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Pam Akpavie: Let There Be Space in Your Togetherness
The desire to be close, to be intimately known and understood, is a fundamental human need. But equally essential is the space to breathe, to reflect, and to simply be.
Khalil Gibran said, “Let there be space in your togetherness.” This, to me, explains how I believe a relationship should flourish.
When I got into a relationship with my husband 22 years ago, my understanding of a relationship was one where you were supposed to be consumed with each other. You were to spend each waking moment thinking of them. If you were not thinking about them, you should be with them. I was a 19-year-old with stars in her eyes. I became older and found out I needed some semblance of space. Did that mean I did not love him or grew weary of him? I still loved him but wanted some “me-time”. 11 years in, I came across Khalil Gibran’s works where I found the quoted line. 22 years in, I now understand clearly.
In the rhythm of life, we often find ourselves dancing between the poles of intimacy and independence. It’s a balance that requires both partners in any relationship to navigate with care. The desire to be close, to be intimately known and understood, is a fundamental human need. But equally essential is the space to breathe, to reflect, and to simply be.
Imagine a garden where every plant is given room to grow. Some reach toward the sun, others spread their roots deep into the earth. Each one thrives in its own way, contributing to the overall beauty of the garden. A relationship is much like this garden —each person must be allowed the space to grow in their own direction, to pursue their own interests, and to cultivate their own strengths. It is the combination of individual strengths blossoming in a relationship that transforms into something truly vibrant and resilient.
When we cling too tightly to one another, we risk stifling the growth that comes from solitude and self-reflection. In the rush to share every thought, every moment, we may overlook the quiet truths that surface only in stillness. Silence and solitude are not the enemies of connection; they are the soil where deeper understanding and empathy grow.
Apart from romantic relationships, platonic relationships with our friends and colleagues also fall into the discourse. Consider the ocean, vast, limitless and deep. Two ships can sail upon it, each with its own destination, yet they share the same waters. They may sail side by side for a time, then drift apart as the currents dictate, always knowing that the ocean will bring them together again when the time is right. In the same way, relationships thrive when each person is free to explore their own journey, secure in the knowledge that the bond they share is strong enough to weather any distance.
This very space in togetherness also allows for a richer, more textured and flavoured relationship. When we have the freedom to explore our own thoughts, dreams, and challenges, we bring new perspectives and experiences back to the relationship. These moments of individuality fuel the conversations that keep the connection alive and dynamic. They prevent stagnation and encourage continuous growth, both as individuals and as partners.
Ultimately, to allow space in your togetherness is to embrace the full spectrum of human experience; to acknowledge that love is not about possession, but about freedom. It is about recognising that we are each on our own journey, even as we walk side by side. In that recognition, we find not just love, but respect — a respect for ourselves and for the ones we cherish.
So, let there be space in your togetherness, not as a way to create distance, but as a way to cultivate a love that is expansive, enduring and true. In this space, you will find the strength to weather any storm and the joy of rediscovering one another time and again, each time with a renewed appreciation for the unique and beautiful souls you are.
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Feature Image by Polina Tankilevitch for Pexels
