Social Climber’s Guide to Picking Bridesmaids

It feels so good to be where I am today, having spent the last five years pandering to my future mother in-law, enduring ridicule, dealing with my fiancée’s idiosyncrasies and generally playing the role of the good girl. I feel that I truly deserve the wedding of my dreams. I can visualize it right now; my boo looking dashing in his suit, myself trying my hardest to mask the baby bump whilst pretending to shed tears into my ivory coloured handkerchief. My make up perfect, my wedding cake standing five feet tall, lilies, gardenias, white roses and orchids lining the entire hall. The little bride and little groom throwing rose petals at our feet whilst we both take carefully choreographed steps in our brand new shoes. The perfect fantasy, except when I think of my bridal train; I never fail to have a sharp intake of breath and break out in a cold sweat.

I need to pick the perfect bridal train. My train must reflect my new status in society, my husband to be is quite a catch. He was privately educated here in Nigeria, then he was sent to a proper British boarding school, where he played rugby, polo and had all the rough edges smoothed out. After boarding school he went on to a UK redbrick university and followed that with a Masters degree from an Ivy League University in the states. As for me I attended Alimosho Grammar School (Aligram International I told my boo), and backed those credentials up with a degree in adult education from a state run university in one of the southwestern states. You see, my friends from my past do not quite make the cut, what will my future sisters in-law make of this motley crew of cheap weave wearing girls? I consider them as an embarrassment, they don’t even know how best to hold a champagne glass, they can’t comport themselves in the proper manner, they wear clothes from New Look, Primark and Target, they don’t speak as if they just arrived after years abroad. Worst of all, they don’t even live on the Island. Thanks to my sudden elevation, I have left all those things behind. As I will marry up, I need girls that truly reflect my new status.

What are the requirements of my perfect bride’s maids?

* They must have convincing foreign accents. I spent many a day glued to DSTV practicing my elocution by repeating all that was said on BBC news 24. (Thank you Jeremy Paxtman).

* They must have expensive weaves on their heads. I was lucky enough to have an older sister who married up as well. She very kindly sent me her smelly used weaves, I learned that applying liberal amounts of shampoo and conditioner will get rid of even the most pungent weave odours. Thanks to her efforts, here I am today.

* They must dress right. I managed to fit in by recycling all my sisters’ old ratty baffs. Trust me, Abdullah the tailor cuts a pair of True Religion Jeans in to some mean shorts.

* They must lug around the largest, most obvious designer bags, and balance them carefully on the inside of their elbow joints. Might not be comfortable or practical, but hey; it looks right.

* They need not be close friends or family, but they must look right and Serve me properly in terms of my image.

Here is the other problem, my fiancée’s inner circle never accepted me, as I did not grow up with them and did not learn to speak like I have a plum in my mouth the proper way (someone let my BBC secret out). They make snide remarks in my presence, like the time I danced to ‘Feel So Good’ by Sonique, and they asked me if I grew to appreciate trance music the same way I acquired my cut glass British accent. They might not like me but I will ensure that they attend my wedding and maybe even serve on my train.

Call me a social climber, call me an upstart, call me a wannabe, beat me, kick me, punch me, brand me with a scarlet letter, have me hung drawn and quartered. I really don’t care. All I wish for is my dream wedding to serve as my proper introduction to Lagos society.

Always remember that Great Women marry up…

53 Comments on Social Climber’s Guide to Picking Bridesmaids
  • Kelechi Chukunyere April 1, 2009 at 10:57 am

    hmmm, jesus take the wheel!!!

  • cassie April 1, 2009 at 11:13 am

    ooooooooooo christ ama edi okumon lolol ur husbans seemes to have crossed all the t`s and dotted all the i`s……but lister dont let a british accent fool u…….

  • Kimleestar April 1, 2009 at 11:58 am

    MUAHAHAHAHA! ditto!

  • Chima Becky April 1, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    christ save u soon.lol

  • Uzo April 1, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Loving this piece….

  • LaLa April 1, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    Very funny!

  • shola April 1, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    lol @ “jesus take the wheel”. I dn’t even know what to say about this post. Is it a joke, or 4 real? Social climber? hmmmm

  • sting April 1, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    lol @ aligram international.

  • Nneka April 1, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    I take this to be a COMPLETE joke….right?lol

  • Ogo April 1, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    This is a funny one but really true though…
    I think i dig her last sentence….Great women definitely marry up…True indeed, very true.

  • Catwalq April 1, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    So this is where u r camping out? Ehn, Boorish?

  • ajiri April 1, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    when i was in school, i saw girls like this and used to laugh at them. now that i’m a grown woman and i have seen life and how the world works, i realised that those girls are just realistic and sharp. they are go getters who set goals and go after them no matter the road blocks they encounter.
    does the fact that a girl is born in an unfortunate situation mean that she cannot aspire and fight for a better future for herself and her children. does the fact that a girl attended Allimosho grammer school mean that she is stuck with that level of men. did mo Abudu not say “if you can think it you can do it”. my dears, a girl who takes her time to change her way of speaking by watching bbc has shown dedication to achieving her goal. i know i don’t have it in me to go through the trouble.
    Notorious B.I.G said “the haters will always be at the back”. all that time i was making fun of those girls, calling them “fake ass social climbers”, i was a hater. but i didn’t know better. now some of them are all over the place, celebrated in social pages (including bellanaija) and doing big things for themselves. in the real world, we all know that marrying up, whether for a man or a woman, makes life easier so why do we hate on people who go about achieving it in a realistic manner. how many men with an international education will willingly marry someone that attended a Nigerian public school. i’m a woman and i know i can’t date a guy who attended a public school. these women are just going after what they want in a realistic way.
    so don’t hate, congratulate.

  • yhurmie April 1, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    dnt see dat u av such a big problem at all…since ur sista ‘marryd up’, find out d strategies she employed in selectin her train…also she can get her new ‘status friends’ to donate their sistas nd nieces 2 ur worthy cause!

  • Bola April 1, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    LOL, is this for real??? so far she loves the guy, notin do you
    -rili funny the way she switched it from Alimosho Grammar chool to Aligram, quite creative :)
    Whether na true talk or not, there are important lessons to be learnt here:
    -You dont have to remain on the same status u were born in. I love the way this lady was dedicated to improvin her life. She watched BBC, and looked up to her big sis for help
    -Also, her husbands inner circle. ‘If you cant beat them, join them’-put ur enemies close to you-sth will give sooner or later. I bet you, in a years tim, ull never bliv there was some discord btw both parties

  • Eva April 1, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    I understand your point….but they are not realistic and sharp. I do not know if one can move up if they do not learn to embrace where they are from. No matter how much we try to ignore the past, the past affects the future in some way. So by pretending to be part of a “class”, you are simply trying hard to become something you are not. I strongly believe in originality. But because the Nigerian society is so engrossed in materialism and superficiality, we try so hard to become something that we are not to fit within a categorical perspective.

    I prefer to be hated for WHO i am than to be liked for who I AM NOT.

  • Eva April 1, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Sorry for repeating this AGAIN

    lol…..this is indeed a funny piece…but I am sure people like me see some humor in this story and also some truth. I do not disagree with marrying ‘up’ or marrying ‘down’ but I think women should spend the time they take watching bbc or cnn or fox news or cartoon network, to empower themselves in some way. I know the Nigerian society makes it utterly difficult for women to succeed but I prefer to reach a particular class based on my efforts than simply being a sexual tool for someone.

    And also this brings me to an even more important issue…..marriage vs wedding. I think we spend so much of our time concerned with the wedding we do not prepare ourselves for the real deal, marriage. She wants to be part of a ‘class’ by selecting a bridal train…what if she finds them and gets married, what happens next? Will those ‘classy’ bridemaids follow her solve the extra-marital affair her husband is sure to have or will they follow her chop the fight she will chop with her in-laws when she cannot give birth, or will the bridemaids follow her defend herself when her husband sees through the bbc or tom and jerry accent that she spends so much of her time attaining and beats the catter out of her nose that forces her to speak english that he can not even understand?

    Instead of being focused climbing up and pleasing people, she should get a reality check, and focus on what is truly important….after all, all that glitters are not gold.

  • spookycheese April 1, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    LOL n rolling over….” the best way people can accept you, is for you to be yourself, doing you not trying to be someone else.plus your husband to be appreciates the way you r… n if they don’t like it then they should step + you can always teach your friends how to hold champagne glasses now ehn babes ..LOL..Wow people like this still exist..!

  • Dee Lami April 1, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Haha!ROFL@.. aligram international…

  • ajiri April 1, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    the most important thing in life is to be true to yourself and what motivates you. if you are motivated by love and relationships (whether family, friends or romantic) be true to that. if you are motivated by material things, be true to that. don’t go against your true self because of all the “all that glitters is not gold” talk. life is too short to pretend to be someone you are not simply because you don’t want to come across as shallow.
    the important thing is to decide who you want to be in the coming years and do what you can to achieve it. if you believe that having the right bridal train (whatever that means) is what will take you where you want to be in life, you go girl! do not let other people and their issues make you feel less of a person for going for what is important to you. believe me, they don’t really care how you end up.everybody is facing their own problems and their own lives.

  • Kpakpando April 1, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Help me ask am o!

  • sweetie April 1, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    this is sooo funny, smelly weaves, lol!!!

  • Dorah April 2, 2009 at 1:07 am

    FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Bree Van der Kamp April 2, 2009 at 1:31 am

    Rotfalmao!

  • yves la rock** April 2, 2009 at 1:59 am

    bree van de kamp…LOL classic name.

  • Blog police April 2, 2009 at 2:25 am

    BOORISH!!!! This is where you are?????!!!!!!!!!!! Wetin you dey find for here???? You better return back to ya own blog quick!

  • Mii2 April 2, 2009 at 5:02 am

    WOW … I no blame u oo … na so e dey.

  • MiaJadore April 2, 2009 at 6:12 am

    … And after the wedding, then what?! Will there be a marriage?

  • Mary April 2, 2009 at 11:07 am

    This is a satire, good one!

  • BRIDGET OTUBOR April 2, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Your Future Husband surely sees something in you that attracts him, so in midst of all these do not lose it, if u can figure it out, go girl ! do whatever you want.

  • vivian o April 3, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    I hope this is a joke and if it’s not, I feel so sorry for this desperate soul. I am part of the so-called high society that this desperate soul wants entry. Be careful what you wish for. Personally, I despise the better-than-thou attitudes my fellow society people impose on others and limit my interaction with most of them. My dear, focus on maintaining a healthy marriage and household and remain humble.

  • afribabe April 4, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    Dis chick need serious heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp……witch kind african man go marry dis rubish

  • Dara April 4, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    this is hilarious!!

  • Abi April 5, 2009 at 1:39 am

    Haha!!! Boorish is back!!! finally i thought he had stop blogging
    This is funny but sadly true…. Never pretend to be what you arent WE can tell you arent and we will make you an object of ridicule… be yourself and you might have a chance.

  • Qed April 6, 2009 at 1:32 am

    really you belong to the high society…. am beging to think that bellanaija is full of pompuous ignorant kids

  • Qed April 6, 2009 at 1:46 am

    the first black first lady said last week in london…’ nothing in my making would have made me imagine that i’ll be here today’.
    and i bet your name was Suliat and its now Jennifa carry go, nothing do you… on ur way to the bigz girls levelz “YES YOU CAN jor!!!

  • Amaka C April 10, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    ‘I am part of the so-called high society that this desperate soul wants entry’ u are? really? now clap for yourself….

    to the writer..nice fiction though…even though a lot of babes think like this directly or indirectly, even in the so-called high society, it’s either you marry up or you stay on your class level…go low and you will be beheaded..lol

  • nu-nu April 11, 2009 at 1:00 am

    check d meanin of SATIRE in d dictionary luv! Dis is a sarcastic piece written by a GUY. Na wa for nigerians oh :-)

  • vivian o April 12, 2009 at 2:07 am

    I Just gave myself a hand clap. And what?

  • vivian o April 12, 2009 at 2:10 am

    Yes I am. Get over it.

  • Tee April 12, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    erm…dohhhh
    the written piece is actually what we can call art immitating life=THIS happens for real…
    hence why i was writing my own mini epistle on what TRULY obtains in the real world BASED on what this person wrote…
    A1 in Literature….i doubt if i need anybody to school me on what SATIRE is…
    ***ps***
    thats is the “satire” comment was directed at moi of course…..

  • Chika Moses April 15, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    This is HILARIOUS! Best thing I’ve read on this site to date! Good one… a lot of truth to it. I love the title too… you GO social climbers… wherever you are!

  • Bridget Oti April 19, 2009 at 12:29 am

    my name is bridget too!

  • Bridget Oti April 19, 2009 at 12:29 am

    are these girls naijas?

  • Shade April 27, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Why are we gettin angry with Vivian….she’s just sharing her experience…ya’ll just hating….cos she’s in and you’re not…..

    Some are born into this circle, some have to push themselves into and by god some have to marry into it.

    Fantastic article!!!

  • Amused April 30, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    Happy to read that Americans are not the only ones with mixed up priorities. This is sad. Sista you need a life and stop trying to live someone elses.

  • godiva May 24, 2009 at 11:03 am

    this is SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! if you start of a marriage with bad intentions you’ll see hell in it…. belly bump? we all know that’s why he’s marrying your WACK ASSSSS….. listen up hun! getting married is the easiest part…. staying married is the challenge!

  • ProudlyNaija May 25, 2009 at 3:03 am

    Don’t know why people take this satire seriously, it is obviously a work of fiction written by a guy, as the name implies. Hopefully, it would help ladies reflect on reasons why they get married to their husbands. Thank God I did literature in school, cos I almost chopped say na true story!!!!!!!!

  • Ronke Shorungbe May 29, 2009 at 12:55 am

    Hmmmm…… well said.

  • ESTEE OLOKO July 7, 2009 at 8:59 am

    You don’t have to force urself to be what ur naturaly not or else u will have problem in ur marital journy! come on gal be urself and God will take u up the ladder.

  • Ayisha August 24, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    LOL………… Very funny ! I dont think this happens in real life so i cant believe this is a true story !
    If its is, then one advice for you darl, GET A LIFE !

  • z September 30, 2009 at 6:55 am

    clothes from primark and target??? is that meant to be cool?? thatz like wearing clothes from wallmart and zellers!! watz a boorish male? smdh!
    ps..primark has nice things but its not cool. seriously are u fly if u get things from primark?

  • Bola Aduwo October 24, 2009 at 1:43 am

    I laffed my ass off! wow! this is hilarious! For all those pple wondering if its fiction…its true o! Not to Boorish male but to some pple…I knw quite a number of pple like that … we call them ‘late aje butter!’ lol

  • Amaka April 18, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    The sad truth… We are all implicated… who we end up with is a reflection of what we are or what we want to be! Sad but true!!!

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