Understanding the Woman With the “Attachment Complex”

Posted on Wednesday, February 6th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

By Ifesinachi Okoli-Okpagu

I recently watched a television series where a beautiful woman lost her ticket to the glamorous life because she got divorced. She was married to a wealthy man who had no time for her but provided her with the benefits of the rich and famous – she didn’t need a reservation to get into very exclusive restaurants, luxury shop owners called her by her first name and so on. After the divorce, that was the end of the glamour. The restaurant owners pretended not to know her and turned her way.

In fact, she was humiliated at a restaurant when she breezed in expecting her usual table and was told, in an impolite tone, that her name was not on the list for reservations. Her husband stripped her of everything that was his and she was left hanging. Unable to take it anymore, the lady quietly went back home and sulked, regretting her decision to go ahead with the divorce. She had the money from the settlement, but she had no name without her husband.

It’s easy to detect a woman who has the “Attachment Complex”; you can hear it in the way she talks, the way she always spends her time with him, the way she schedules her time to fit in with his, she can’t remember the last time she talked with her friends because he has successfully cut her off from them. She never feels good enough, beautiful enough or smart enough, because he is quick to criticise her and she lets him walk all over her. She craves his attention and is quick to please him even if it goes against her moral codes. She is quick to justify his wrongs and woe betides you if you are a friend and try to talk some sense to her; you become the devil’s personal assistant.

The woman with the Attachment Complex has no time for herself and has built a life around her partner. She lives her life as a ‘yes man’ with no long term goals of what she wants. She sees children as a means of locking herself into his heart and his life, forgetting that children are individuals too and will one day leave home. If you are an old friend and you mistakenly call her by her first name, she is quick to remind you that she is Mrs Somebody and if you are a single friend, you are not worthy of her presence until you get yourself a man.

Sounds familiar? Look around you. She is everywhere.

A woman with the Attachment Complex may not know she has it until the day her partner leaves, even if it’s for a short while. The realisation of how insignificant she is to others dawns on her when she can’t get a friend to spare her time because all her friends mysteriously seem occupied. If her partner’s absence is of a more permanent nature, that may be the beginning of Depression 101 and soon she will occupy her time talking to the mirror and reading books on ‘How to Start Life Afresh at 40’ and ‘How to Love Yourself in the Midst of Crises’.

Like a popular artiste sang, love is a beautiful thing but it is not suicidal. Love is not selfish, proud, always on the receiving end or manipulative. It seeks the well being of the significant other. If he loves you, he will ensure that you enter the relationship to become the best you can possibly be, not to be the best fantasy he can create. If you are truly in a balanced relationship, you will have time for him, yourself and those in your life while respecting each other’s boundaries. If you are both in love, you will bear his name with pride; not as a means to make yourself happy, or to shame your friends or a ticket to a better life, but because you loved yourself before you met him and being with him means you both can work towards achieving each other’s goals.

If your love for each other is not that balanced, here’s the one thing missing from your life – confidence. You are unsure of yourself; you want to be with a man but you are afraid that you will never find someone who will like you for who you are. You are also unsure if you will ever be successful or you may be a successful woman, but you may have convinced yourself that your shortcomings are too many for any man to overlook.

Well, here is the good news – no one is perfect. You are not perfect; he isn’t either. No one is. In fact, you are probably his way of making himself feel better than someone else. The moment you start realising that and start loving yourself for whom you are, the less you will be walked all over by anybody. Build your confidence; celebrate your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Most importantly, reach out to those who would like to help.

I like to reach out to women; to inform them that they can be confident and fearless just by being whom they are; to motivate them to be the best they want to be and to inspire them to reach for the top.

A woman is not a possession; she is an asset; become an asset and attract the right kind of people to your life.

Happy living!

Photo credit: google images
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Ifesinachi Okoli-Okpagu is a writer and marketing consultant. She is also the editor of Fabulous-city.com and blogs at Smart Marketing.

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  • 47 Comments on “Understanding the Woman With the “Attachment Complex””

    Comments
    • Sonia February 6, 2013 at 9:49 AM

      Yessss!!!
      It would be nice to shed some light if men go through this too.

    • Wunmi Adebayo February 6, 2013 at 10:02 AM

      nice piece but please proof read before you post… I’m sure you meant ‘stripped’ and not ‘striped’

    • Deiz February 6, 2013 at 10:02 AM

      Nice one! Every woman should know that she is an asset and not a property.

    • mimi February 6, 2013 at 10:12 AM

      sigh… i used to be that woman sha but Thank God for Jesus now im getting to know my self-worth.

    • Limog February 6, 2013 at 10:22 AM

      Nice write up. A shout out to all them babes who think that they must be married to begin to live. Get a life girlfriends.

    • Meah February 6, 2013 at 10:27 AM

      Nice write up- very spot on. Unfortunately, there are more people with this ailment than we realise: from women with door-opening married ties to folks whose sense of worth lies in the last name of their BFF’s. I know people who feel obliged to let you know the last name of folks they hang out with. While i admit that a weighty name is a bonus card anyday, everyone should strive to find their true worth from within. Then, and only then, will life be truly worth living.

      Bdw writer, your name’s a mouth-full. Love it!

    • Jolla February 6, 2013 at 10:31 AM

      Tell the Nigerian woman o!

    • oluchy February 6, 2013 at 10:50 AM

      l love this article, very informative n self examining. Thank u BN.

    • Doll February 6, 2013 at 11:00 AM

      Amen to that. I know a lady like this. A close cousin. As I read through this article I was just ticking all the boxes. U described her perfectly. She is still in the marriage. I believe they are a happy family in their own way, but definitely not in my way.
      She isn’t divorced so she hasn’t lost her name or anything, but I do remember one time they had a fight on a Sunday and she ended up not being able to go to church or anywhere else that day. Because he paid for ALL the cars he took the keys from her. He loves being in charge of EVERYTHING. She had a miserable day and needed someone to talk to badly. I was with her so she asked to use my phone to call a friend she wanted to talk to. She couldn’t use her phone ‘cause since he was paying for the phone he didn’t allow her use that either. EVERYTHING she has is from him. She had to do her grocery shopping to enable her cook for HIM! So what did she do?? She took public transportation all by herself and came home to cook him a meal. At dinner time what did this guy do? He came down barking for his food. See her apologising and running around to set the table. I was really shocked. Believe me when I say I’m not exaggerating in any way. I felt sadness, embarrassment and anger all at once that day.

      I am very close them so I know how all this came about. Her definition of marriage is that everything revolves around her husband’s wishes. She believes that he knows best. He is very arrogant and feels wayyyyyy too highly of himself. He believes that you cannot succeed in life without help or advise from him. I am doing very well without any help from him. Guess what this cousin of mine said to me about that?? She advised me not to mention the things I have achieved in front of him ‘cause that will make him jealous/envious! Excuse me?!?!?! I kid you not!!
      I put 99.9 % of the blame on his wife. She sees him as a trophy and believes SHE must protect her family from women who will try to break them up. She believes he cannot cheat on her, but if it were ever to happen then it would be the woman’s fault because a man cannot control himself!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCUSE ME?!?!!?? I tried to talk sense into her, but she no gree, so I jejely keep my distance.

      I pray to God everyday to never let me end up in a marriage like that. Most of the ladies I know of in marriages like this, went from their father’s house to their husband’s house. They don’t have much of their own, and basically got everything through their husband. This is NOT to say though, that because you weren’t an ‘independent’ woman before your marriage, you will end up like the lady in this article. Your life is in your own hands.

      Ladies please, we must know our worth. Whether you are out there making the millions with him or not, you are still very much an asset to him and must be treated like one.

      • Onyi February 6, 2013 at 11:24 AM

        Na wa o. This is sad :(

      • nan February 6, 2013 at 11:34 AM

        thanks BN for this……… @doll thks for sharing, we just have to know our worth!!

      • Lola February 6, 2013 at 11:47 AM

        Sorry, but I think you are making this up. i don’t think such women still exist. maybe they did 20, 30 years ago, but they don’t anymore. In this regard unlike with physical abuse which is still rampant. Women have wisened up. I’m not saying that husbands that are bullies still dont exist, but women are stronger now, and dont just rollback and play the victim.

        • Doll February 6, 2013 at 2:02 PM

          LOL, no need to be sorry. You can believe what you want. So basically, your point is that women still play the victim when it comes to physical abuse but not emotional abuse?? How do we get to physical abuse? Does it not usually start with the woman believing that she has no other option? What makes a woman remain in a marriage where she is being beaten black and blue? She doesn’t have the confidence to leave. She doesn’t think she can make it on her own. She believes marriage has its ups n downs so this is the down side to marriage. Emotional abuse is very much present in Nigeria. My post was not made up. I have nothing to gain from making a story up to post on BN.

          Look around, there are women going through emotional abuse in Nigeria. For one to claim that such abuse ended 20/30 years ago is quite naïve and basically turning a blind eye to a real problem. This is how it all begins. ‘He didn’t mean to react that way, I provoked him’. ‘He has a good heart, he just gets angry sometimes.’

          My cousin’s case I saw first hand. I lived with her for 3 years in her home. I saw the husband push her down in front of their kids. I saw him send the kids to play in the kitchen while she was cooking to get on her nerves ‘cause he was angry with her. I saw him disrespect her in front of their visitors, just ‘cause she had annoyed him and of course because he felt he could. I could go on and on. This attitude does not end with his wife of course. He talks to and treats his siblings as he wishes, because he feels his is the first born and they all rely on him for one thing or the other so what can they do? He is older and as our culture demands, you have to respect your elders abi? There are unhealthy marriages like this and they are real. That male colleague sitting next to you at work, do you know how he treats his wife at home? Or your cool neighbour next door who always has a smile on his face whenever you see him. Not all that glitters is Gold my dear.

          He has his ‘good’ sides, but for me, the bad totally outweigh the good. Like I said, you can believe what you want. Women are tolerating a lot of crap from men, because they want to STAY married and definitely do not want to give up their comfort. They do not have the confidence to be on their own. We live in a society that believes that marriage is the ultimate goal. As they say, after all is that not what marriage is about?? Well, definitely not mine!

        • Lola February 6, 2013 at 2:15 PM

          You’d be very surprised……….

        • Bleed blue February 6, 2013 at 5:48 PM

          It’s people like you Lola that cause cyber drama where it’s not necessary. We’ve been given a story so we can learn something from it and what you have to say is that you think it’s made up? Like you just know the experiences of every woman all over the world?
          Maybe you’re in a cute little bubble somewhere but newsflash sweetie, these things didn’t end “20,30 years ago”. The hard truth is that they exist and are more prevalent than people want to admit.

          I live right beside a chic almost exactly like doll’s cousin. I might have thought it was the same person if not for a few dissimilarities here and there. So Lola, be happy you’re fortunate enough not to know anyone in this situation and stop “thinking” stories are made up.

        • Leanne February 6, 2013 at 11:13 PM

          who on earth has time to make up stories, i suggest you take what you want from the story and move on.

        • Msunderstood February 7, 2013 at 2:34 AM

          Excuse me Lola, I know someone like who doll is talking about. Luckily for her, she’s out of d marraige with 2 kids.

    • Monica February 6, 2013 at 11:08 AM

      i think its important to become a woman in your own right before you get married. a lot of women see marraige as the be all and end all – they are literally just twiddling their thumbs until someone comes along and proposes. They they because Mrs so and so. Their whole existence is centred around a man and their entire identity is hinged on being someones wife.

      Its best to use one single years to better yourself as a woemn. Understand yourself worth. Define yourself. That way, when you get married you wont be totally attached to your husband. Real men even love women like that better – women who are assets to them also. Smart, learned, well read and bringing something to the table also (maybe you have a great job where you have developed great business contacts etc – just an example)

      • Monica February 6, 2013 at 11:10 AM

        typos *woman *self worth

    • Miz Imani February 6, 2013 at 12:42 PM

      An eye-opening article.

      The truth is, this complex is not a monopoly of any type of human being. It is very easy for anyone to fall prey to it. I have a friend who is in danger of this attachment syndrome. The only reason why I try not to get involved is because the guy is actually one of those few good guys left and since they got together, she has really become a better person so sometimes i think its not always that bad.

      The signs are usually clear from the onset. All of your partners friends become your “close” friends and your own original friends take the back seat. You end up doing the things your partner loves and the rest. Sad thing is, these are just symptoms of the main disease which is Losing Oneself.

      When you have an unhealthy image of yourself, when you do not truly discover your sense of being and you purpose, it is very easy to lose yourself in the relationship especially when you and your partner already share a lot in common. In making little compromises here and there….years down the line you find that you do not know who you are anymore.

      What I need to understand is, is it always wrong to lose oneself in your relationship? Must you always retain you individuality regardless??

    • Bee February 6, 2013 at 12:47 PM

      I keep saying this thing but people think its because I am single. One needs to find happiness and fulfilment in other things besides marriage because even if you are happily married, your partner may die or leave, not because u are a bad person but the person just wants to move on. The pressure in the society doesnt even help and people now see being single like driving a car without AC or a disability sef! Women should get married for the right reasons which is a combination of factors and not just one thing…money or name for that matter.

    • Partyrider February 6, 2013 at 1:11 PM

      Beautiful write up.Love it
      Ps: if you havent read T.D Jakes “DADDY LOVES HIS GIRLS” grab a copy ,you will be glad you did.
      thats a life changing book there.- “every daughter should hear it”

    • miskimbis February 6, 2013 at 1:13 PM

      I agree with you Monica,ladies of this generation get into marriage purely for the sake of”i wanna be known as Mrs whoever”at the end lose out on the true essence of the union. In fact some are in for the elaborate ceremony and that’s the end(nagging begins)
      In my opinion every lady should know her true essence and be equipped with the word

    • Zednani February 6, 2013 at 1:22 PM

      Great reminder! I think at one time or another we all suffer blows to our self confidence and sometimes it is easier to hide behind another name – either our family name, our husband’s name than to stand “woman alone” and face the scrutiny that is out there… But we are all individuals and we are fearfully and wonderfully made and should learn to stand on our own merit and be proud of who we are. Love is a beautiful thing, but love is not the only thing and one relationship cannot be where our existence starts and stops. It is great to have a balance like you have alluded to, because we are imperfect beings and in times of trial and tribulation in our relationships it is good to have other people to count on – not necessarily to share what is going on in our relationship with – but to have other things to focus on and more than one thing going on in our life.

    • nnenne February 6, 2013 at 1:29 PM

      great and nice article. women need to know that a while marriage is good, loosing your self worth in the name of marriage can be disastrous. i pray to God to bless me with a man who will let me and even motivate me to be who i want to be in life. thanks Ifesi

    • Teris February 6, 2013 at 1:39 PM

      your introduction and your “beef” are not correlated.

    • Tope February 6, 2013 at 2:04 PM

      Great article, but I must say something about the hypocrisy of the commenters. It is funny how it is always the single women who jump on the bandwagon of these articles, and finally have an avenue to preach the marriage is not the be all and end all, know yourself before you get married, marriage doesn’t this, doesn’t that, bla bla bla. You don’t read such comments from married women (except if they want to complain about their marriages), how come? Meanwhile these women are secretly (be honest to yourself for once) longing to be married themselves, (you see their prayers of Lord do my own oooooo, on BN wedding posts) and are just presenting a false bravado to cope with their singlehood. Ladies, dont talk from two sides of your mouth please. Marriage doesn’t do this, marriage doesn’t do that, yet every day you’ll go down on your knees praying to be married, or worrying about when your bf will pop the question. You will now find that when these single commenters get married, you wont hear a peep from them when such articles come up, abi I lie. They are married now, so such advice are for the single sisters, they have nothing else to contribute. There are loads of married BN readers, but on artciles like these you see only very few comments, and majority of the time those that even bother to comment are single. My apologies if I offend anyone, its just something I observed.

      • Neo February 6, 2013 at 2:40 PM

        I think you’re missing the point. Fine, there are “marriage bashers” who are closet marriage fanatics but i havent read a single hypocritical comment here. The point is you need to know yourself, be yourself and value yourself before you get into a marriage. it is a fusion of two people, not a merger where one loses oneself in the other.

        That and that alone is the point of this article. Let us take that away before we begin to analyse the motives behind the opinions of others.

        • Tope February 6, 2013 at 3:08 PM

          I’m sorry, you misunderstood my comment. Hypocrisy of the commenters is different from hypocrisy of the comments. Maybe it is because I am a very positive person. i don’t complain or pick out faults, or malign that thing I wish for, even though everyone around me are experiencing the negative sides of that which i want. To some it may come across as being naive, but there’s a thin line between warning about the dangers of something, and outright bashing. A lot of single women cross this line without knowing it, and they sound bitter or forefully cavalier or indifferent, meanwhile they feel the exact opposite. Not being married doesn’t define me, it isn’t the be all and end all……. That’s why i said you don’t hear from married women (Monica is one of the few exceptions), when such articles are posted, and when they do comment, the tone is different. I actually sensed that Monica was married, and I’m glad I was correct. These single women get married now, and suddenly all the “advice” or stories from family or friend’s experiences miraculously disappear. That’s the hypocrisy I was referring to. If you haven’t observed it, start looking closely.

      • Monica February 6, 2013 at 2:41 PM

        Tope, this is a strange and rather unneeded comment. I am one of the commenters who added my own two pence and it is not from a place of bitterness or longing at all. I am actually married and its coming from experience. There is nothing wrong with urging our fellow women to gain some self worth. Please dont turn this into another married women vs single women debate. Marriage is not a competition not is it a race.

        • Tope February 6, 2013 at 3:28 PM

          Hi Monica, I’m actually single. So, this isnt a married vs single debate. I just want my single sisters to examine themselves and find out from whence these emotions are coming from, and try a different tactic and see things from the positive aspect. pIn trying to cope with a situation, it is human to pick out the flaws in that thing, or the dangers, as a way of consoling yourself, because you don’t have it yet. You see how other people are failing at seomthing, and you say hmmmn, so na so it be, abeg I can’t shout o, on this marriage issue. I won’t let it define me. Marriage is beautiful, marriage is sweet, marriage will compliment you when it is with the right person, marriage can actually make you better as a person, it can improve your relaity in so many aspects. I will like to see more of these kind of talk, not the downers and pointing out the pitfalls everytime. Abi when was the last time, we actually read about all the glorious things marriage can bring. You don’t preach the bad everytime, without preaching about the other side. It doesn’t help to just warn and warn and admonish, while it is good to admonish, too much of it just serves to make people jaded. If you go in preparing for the worst, you won’t even know how to notice the good when its right in your face, neitehr will you know how to work towards the good, when you are busy patching up the bad. It can explain why so many women are miserable now. You teach a man only about starvation, when food comes, he doesn’t know what to to do with it.

        • Oyinkansola February 6, 2013 at 5:17 PM

          Thank you for speaking up Monica because I do not understand what you are getting at, Tope. I doubt you are a relationship scientist carrying out surveys on the way married women speak in comparison to single women. I advise you just comment on the article rather than studying the manner in which a ‘class’ of people speak and make conclusions based on your own opinion which hasn’t been proven by anyone to be a fact. I’m engaged to be married btw (:

    • Chic February 6, 2013 at 2:39 PM

      I totally agree with Doll on everything you have said. These marriages do exist I too have a female relation who is in such a marriage her husband is her beginning and her end its like she cannot think or live without him. Really sad situation because she works and makes her money so i wonder why she is still hanging on in the name of being referred to as Mrs.Somebody. She is partly to blame because she was in the group of “I musto marry before I turn 30″ they dated for a few months and were married within the same year of starting to date. Everyone asked her to wait and get to know him better but she wouldn’t listen after all she was already 29 at the time. That is why they say marry your friend someone on the same level playing field as you.

    • dont mention February 6, 2013 at 3:01 PM

      @zednani….evrything you just said……i concur with
      vikkyscreed.blogspot.com

    • Gbemi February 6, 2013 at 3:32 PM

      I used to be that woman with a serious attachment complex because i thought men were the ticket to the life i secretly desired within me… I thought men were the ticket to the life i always dreamed of living. Just a little context, I am not a stay at home woman depending fully on a man for money, I have a very vibrant career and sit in global decision making cycles so please don’t think i am one poor beggerly woman that has not confidence or self worth. However as of today i can say i am not that woman anymore. My change/ transformation didn’t come from denying my needs or believing in myself or believing in my self worth or trying to improve my confidence or reading books on how to make a man know who’s the real woman or reading articles on how not to loose a man during marriage, My TRANSFORMATION came the moment i decided to ask God to help me. I asked God to help me because He put the longing for relationships in all of us whether we deny it or not. And God told me everything i every desired or dreamed of is not in a man (men are not built to handle all that pressure that’s why they take us for granted or become abusive because they do not know what to do). He told me the life i desired is in Him. Only God can fill our deep longings and release us to be women who don’t go arround attaching ourselves to men, handbags, books, shoes or whatever attachments we have. I hope this helps someone. Cheers

    • Tope February 6, 2013 at 3:36 PM

      There’s this post I have on my wall at home, I hope it encourages anyone – ” I promise myself to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind. To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet. To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile about them. To look at the sunny side of everything, and make my optimism come true. To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own. To forget the mistakes of the past, and press on to the greater achievements of the future” – So forgive me, I’m just a happy bunny, and I want everyone else to be happy and bouncy like I am.

    • Anwuli February 6, 2013 at 3:41 PM

      @Tope, I have to say I agree with you though to some extent but it all boils down to this, love yourself first otherwise you cannot love someone else, I was a single mother with my daughter and for 9yrs I held out for my compatible companion, not because I didnt have offers (not tooting my own horn but I had loads), I turned 35 this year, my younger friend by the way got married before me and I could hear the “eeyas” but I laughed because I knew deep down I was holding out kinda for the best or betterstill someone whom I could be compatible with (though there were times when I doubted myself and felt haba, na u start am? no go overchoose commot for market o. I know myself, I’m extremely fussy when it comes to men and knew that If i got It wrong I would be one of those people who if unhappy will leave (I really dont believe in staying for the kids at all), anyway before my younger sister got married, I asked her why are you rushing to go and get married (this was someone by the way who refused to go to skol, keep a job or do anything productive with her life but always relied on mum and dad). Anyway, i asked her, why are you rushing to get married to this guy you dont know, my sister told me this “i wan go marry, i no fit turn 30 then turn to one of those desperate women”. Exact answer. Meanwhile this girl deport herself from London, go naija go marry, meanwhile marries this guy, finds out this guy is not what he portrayed himself to be. Anyway long story short marriage lasted 2years, 2 babies. Turns out the guy thought she was going to take him back to London with her but unbeknownst to him, she couldnt even come back to London. That was not part of his plan. I ended up marrying a wonderful man, we’ve been together 5 years now. I dont know how long it will last but I do know we have a loving and healthy relationship, we talk, we laugh, we share, we uplift each other, we talk and we balance each other out. My friend who was rushing to be Mrs Somebody ended up being Mrs nobody and to top it all with dependent kids that she is unable to take care of because from the get go she never put herself first rather she was in pursuit of being Mrs Somebody. My motto is this “I can do bad all by myself”

      • Bleed blue February 6, 2013 at 5:50 PM

        You go girl! Love your outlook! Hugs and more hugs!!

    • ifesinachi February 6, 2013 at 3:47 PM

      Truth is at one point in our lives or the lives of our friends/family members, we have been there or we know someone who has been there. All I am saying is that the ‘illness’ is one that cannot be diagnosed by someone else if the ‘doctor’ wants to avoid trouble. The lady has to acknowledge the signs and take steps to build her confidence. It’s not just about married ladies or single ladies; it’s about women understanding how fragile our egos are and building self-confidence just so that ego is not bruised by someone who wants to take advantage of that.

      Thanks @Meah..love my name too, mouthful though it is!

    • Seun February 6, 2013 at 3:55 PM

      @Tope, OMG, you are talking to me oooooooooooo. Preach it sister. Such a breath of fresh air. BN we need articles based on what she just said. I am one of those women, who are now jaded sadly. Its a daily struggle to get out of this mood, especially when you look left and right, and all you hear are horror stories that other women share about their own personal experiences, or those of friends and family. You talk amongst your friends, and even your mum, and all is warning, warning. Before you know it, a dark cloud hangs over you regarding this issue. My ex actually wanted to marry me. He asked me so many times, but I was so scared. I kept comparing his flaws to all the horror stories I’ve read and heard about marriage, I had to take to my heels. Till today my friends think I’m crazy to have broken up with him. In a way, I would have ended up as a statistic of an unhappy married woman, so I know I did the right thing, but I have told myself to snap out of this thinking, so I don’t carry that fear to my next relationship, cos someone like me, will meet a good guy, and I wont know what to do with him, cos all my judgement has been clouded with foreboding. Its not only women that suffer this, but men do too. You need to hear my single male friends talk about marriage. @Tope, I love this your positive outlook. Today, I’m going to put more effort, and seek out married people who are happy and working successfully at it, no more debbie downers. Such people exist, and they must be doing something right. You dont ask a poor man how to become rich. Women who have beautiful marriage stories, please please speak up, help us neutralise all the negativeness that has over saturated the air about marriage. Daily on any BN relatiosnhip based article, it is always complain, complain, woes, woes. It doesn’t help o. Me too I promise myself to think of only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect the best. Thanks Tope. Mwah

      • Msunderstood February 7, 2013 at 3:02 AM

        I’m happily married with two kids, will be six years of bliss in June. I was really young wen I got married. Looking back, I think I’m totally blessed to have such a man. He’s amazing. It’s important to check out a man’s background, his parents’ marriage, dat says a lot about a man. Icant say it enough, he spoils me. It sounds funny to me wen I hear stories of bad marriages on blogs but it helps me appreciate what I have. I don’t know d rules to a good marriage but I know it exists.

    • R February 6, 2013 at 5:27 PM

      Thanks for the article. A lot of truth.

    • Anonymous February 6, 2013 at 5:45 PM

      Wow….. It’s really funny and sad at the same time. I suspected that I had the attachment complex but I guess I just confirmed it. But it’s not as easy as just walking away……. he’s not abusive or anything but i usually just feel i literally couldn’t live without him and I thinks that’s unhealthy. How do i move away from this?

      • tomeloma February 7, 2013 at 11:00 AM

        I’ll tell you what I’d tell myself: I think you need something to help improve your self-worth, it might be something as mundane as going to a cooking class, taking a diploma or joining a church group…but bottomline is to try to improve yourself, achieve set goals. Life doesn’t have guarantees: maybe he’ll die or maybe you’ll celebrate your 50th anniversary, he seems like a great guy and you’d always want him to proud of the woman you are, so get off your butt and start building yourself.
        All the best.
        Self.

    • molarah February 6, 2013 at 8:58 PM

      Ifyyyyy!! (yep, I’m on a ‘famzing’ level). Making plenty sense as usual. Good one!

      This article, and a few of the comments, has given me some food for thought.

    • raffy February 7, 2013 at 7:20 AM

      @ Anonymous,go 2 God in prayer please…
      Be caring,kind,attentive without caring,been kind 2 yourself in the process.
      But a lot of times,we must trust our intuition,we have it.. We just ignore it

    • laura February 7, 2013 at 2:23 PM

      Ify nice read, but what really caught my eye is how you said her single friends are not worthy of her presense. Truth be told, i dont blame any married woman who does so. She is only being careful…