Chivalry May Be Dead, But Common Decency is Not!

Posted on Tuesday, September 17th, 2013 at 9:20 AM

By Afam

Before I begin in earnest, I feel that it’s essential that I give you some information about me. You should be grateful. I don’t do this often. To find out even a smidgen about me, most people have to read all 200 or so articles on my blog, and glean from that how much is fiction and how much is fact. My name’s Afam. It isn’t my everyday name, but what’s it to you? You say Afam, and I answer. I even made a surname for myself, Odi. It’s quite a nice surname, Odi. At least I like to think so. I’m 23 years old. It’s a lot better than 22 and it’s probably going to be better than 24. What can I say? It’s been a good year. I’ve been single for a while. I don’t mind it too much though. My last relationship didn’t end that well, and now, I’m quite sure that I’m fated to spend the rest of my days scribbling in books, and travelling the world. I sometimes say that I’m not the typical Nigerian, but that’s a lie, because I can’t say what the typical Nigerian is. As far as I know, we’re all incredibly, marvelously different, and because of that none of us could really be said to be the typical anything.

I despise chivalry. The very idea of it makes me cringe. The very idea of it has always made me cringe. You see, when I was a child, I was very little. I was the shortest in my class for more years than I care to remember, and I was the weakest too. I didn’t mind this too much. I didn’t mind that through out secondary school, there were girls in my year that could beat me silly if they put their minds to it. There were girls that could beat me in nearly everything. As a result, I never saw why I should treat them any differently than I treated the average man. I didn’t see why I should slide back their chairs, or hold up their umbrellas when it was raining, or open the door for them when they were passing through or pick up their tabs. Even though much of the previous sentence is in the past sense, all of it still holds. I think it daft that I should be expected to assist members of the “fairer” sex in performing tasks that are so unbelievably mundane, that the offering of help in their regard can only be thought of as condescending.

When I was in secondary school all of that was fine, but the moment I got to university, it became a problem. In my first year, I asked a girl out. She’s a rather lovely girl that I call frog, because she called me princess, once. When I asked her why she called me princess, she said, “I call all my guy friends princess.” And it was true. She did. But I didn’t particularly being called princess, so I called her frog. Anyway, I took her to see Zombieland, a horrible movie for a first date by the way (learn from my mistakes. Please!). When we were paying for our tickets, I walked forward to pay for mine and left her standing in the line. I did not even imagine that I might be expected to pay for hers as well. This counted against me in more ways than one. I went from being Afam, the kind of nerdy, kind of cool, kind of cute guy, to being Afam, the poorly behaved.

The reputation stuck, but I didn’t try to shake it. I didn’t see why I should. My money is important to me. I do not spend it on others freely. It is unlikely that I will ever foot the whole bill on a first date, because if the date were to go horribly, then I would have gained nothing, but lost my money.

While it is true that I find all things chivalrous deplorable, there is something to be said for common decency. The fact that I won’t sprint to your side of the car, so that I can yank your door open in good time, says nothing about my character. If anything, it speaks poorly about me. It says that I, Afam, am a staunch supporter of abject laziness. However, if the person in my passenger’s seat has broken an arm, or a leg or even strained an ankle, then I will assist with the door, because it will be unkind not to. If a person weaker than I am, is struggling with a case that I can lift quite easily, then I will help, and if there is a pregnant woman on the bus, I will give up my seat for her. If someone is walking behind me, and we have to go through a door, I’ll hold it open until they pass. These things are decent, but not at all chivalrous.

In this day and age, when all but the incredibly addled and stupendously daft accept that women are more or less equal to men, I do not see why there is such a thing as chivalry.

If we all accept that women can do everything that men can, then we should let them. And that my friends is the difference between decency and chivalry. The latter is dead, but the former is not.

Tata for now (ttfn)

Photo Credit: bmawufbp.blogspot.com

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Afam is the 23 year old man-child behind the blog: The Ramblings of a Madman. He’s also the lifestyle and health editor of Voix Magazine. He is currently getting ready to start his Youth Corp. Long live Batch C! Follow him on Twitter @Afam20

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  • 118 Comments on “Chivalry May Be Dead, But Common Decency is Not!”

    Comments
    • Sam September 17, 2013 at 9:33 AM

      Man I am really learning from your mistakes. Thank you so much for this post

      • BellaYankee September 17, 2013 at 10:49 PM

        I’m a woman and all that chivalry nonsense is nothing to me but common sense surely is.

        Afam, common decency is that when you invite a friend (esp one that you’re interested in) to the movies, you pay for them. Otherwise, you are cheap or inconsiderate or just plain disconnected from life.

    • Tpepper September 17, 2013 at 9:55 AM

      Mmmmmmm……There’s something fresh about this article. Interesting read….

    • Ready September 17, 2013 at 10:26 AM

      Y’know? I agree, ‘Afam’! Women can’t eat our cake and have it too. Chivalry is so overrated in my opinion. I think if ladies ask for help, then men should assist, otherwise…let’s all open our own doors and hold our own umbrellas. We’ve evolved in practically every aspect, why not these traditional notions of what men should do for women? And yes, this applies to dates as well. I think ladies should at least offer to split the bill on a date; yes, homeboy asked you out but he’s not the only one having a good time, you’re both on a date to feel each other out. If he turns down your offer to split the bill, then you can then organize the next date.
      I can tell I’m gonna post some replies. Let’s have some fun, people.

      • Toni September 17, 2013 at 1:53 PM

        If I ask someone to take some hours out of their day to go out on a date with me, I will pay. It is courtesy. If we continue to go on other dates then we pay the bills together. It’s common sense.

        You cannot be doing be doing macho macho, I am THE MAN, and when the bills appear on the first date then you want to do gender equality & feminist advocate with me. E no go work.

        • Miss Anonymous September 17, 2013 at 4:25 PM

          Thank You!

          How do you ask a girl out on a date and expect her to split the bill with you?

        • bell dama September 19, 2013 at 5:23 PM

          Thank you o! its common sense buddy!…i sat jejely in the comfort of my house, u dragged me out for some ‘first date’ n you say we split the bill….LIKE SERIOSLY!!!? who does that?

    • TA September 17, 2013 at 10:30 AM

      Lol! Afam Odi,i hope i can also call you Afam Isi-Ukwu (Afam big head). I can call you anything i like right.
      Back to the chivalry matter,no need to get your knickers in a twist. I go with you on a date and you treat me that way,i wont fuss or cuss just say a polite excuse me when i need to let a loud smelly fart rip in your car with the windows wound up. Where is my sense of decency you ask,oh i thought i said ‘excuse me? Open my purse,pop my chewing gum in my mouth and chew as noisily as i can. I should act like a lady? i thought there is no line between decency and good old chivalry or what have you?
      Oh well,my bad! #sippingmycoldglassofzobo

      • nomzy September 17, 2013 at 11:11 AM

        i totally like your comment

      • Lilly September 17, 2013 at 11:49 AM

        Thanks TA

      • AA September 17, 2013 at 2:28 PM

        Nice One!!! Women are expected to act like “ladies” but you don’t want to act like a gentleman? I’m supposed to wear short tight skirts and “head in the cloud” heels to entice you, but you cant open my freaking door??? Then fine, let it be like that then!!!

      • Que September 18, 2013 at 12:33 AM

        Where is the ‘like’ button when u need one… I can only leave Afam with one tot…you’ll only gain what u give in attitude, and never know what you’re losing… and that goes . Interpret as u please. You’re 23 or so, u got a lot of time to learn what u wish. #LackWisdomMuch!

        • Que September 18, 2013 at 12:39 AM

          That was sent incomplete… Response below:

          ‘Where is the ‘like’ button when u need one… The writer sounds intelligent yet very unwise @ d same time. I can only leave Afam with one tot…you’ll only gain in relationships what u give in attitude. Interpret as u please. You’re 23 or so, u got a lot of time to learn. #Naive!’

    • X- Factor September 17, 2013 at 10:34 AM

      You have a problem bro.. A very big one at that….your problem is rooted in SELFISHNESS but finds expression through pride, bitterness, low self esteem, hypocrisy and plain st…p…d..ty as you just manifested here (I ll stop at that lest…..)
      Just a point here, Who says its only women that deserves your chivalry…Bro I’m a dude like you and i dare say to you that everyone that comes your way (young, old, male, female, literate, illiterate, christian Muslim, boss, subordinate… name it) deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, courtesy, politeness and(your good manners count and can sure open up doors you cant imagine for you)
      Anyways, you are just 23 and that says it all….You are still a juvenile, You go learn
      Keep it real my bro

      • Afam September 17, 2013 at 11:05 AM

        Thank you for your contribution to bellanaija this morning. I was pleased to read your words about my article. I was even more pleased to find that you found no fault in the way it was written. You must be commended for outlining my imagined character flaws but I must correct you on one issue. I do not have one problem, I have several. As I write this, I’m wondering what to feed my dogs tonight. If I do not get it right, my dogs will not be satisfied, and I by extension will not be happy. I will do by best to live and learn, and I’ll try to stop being juvenile. I imagine that the latter will be immensely difficult as I am only 23.

        • Ure October 3, 2013 at 5:19 PM

          Afam i want you to save this article and come back to read it in the next five yrs or seven yrs, if you dont see anything wrong with it, then you know you are miles and miles away from wisdomville.

      • Ready September 17, 2013 at 11:55 AM

        Lol. Koletoyen mehn. Breathe…

    • July September 17, 2013 at 10:37 AM

      Afam LOL, had you asked me out on a date and them proceeded to eyeball me when the time came to pay for the tickets Lord only knows the names I would have called you lol. Maybe I am getting the two concepts muddled up but is it not common decency that if you are the person who asked me out on a date that you should pay? Similar to if I asked you out I would pay.

      Nice write up, I enjoyed it.

      • Diseye September 17, 2013 at 2:05 PM

        Exactly!

    • Mz Socially Awkward... September 17, 2013 at 11:07 AM

      @Afam & Ready, I really don’t understand this. Why should a fella ask a girl out on the kind of date that is obviously of the boy-wanting-to-know-girl-a-li’l-better nature and expect her to pay for her meal??? On a first date, kwa??? When my pot of Afang soup is chilling nicely in my fridge and I could have been curled up in my jammies, catching up on my recordings of “30 Rock”, then you as the toaster who invited me to the dinner/drinks/movie decides I should share the cost of the night because chilvary is dead?

      Nigerians, we don oyibo pass the oyibo people sef wey start this modernism. Afam reminds me of one London joker I was introduced to once who made me pay for half my meal on Valentine’s day (this was after giving him a gift & getting nothing in return). Biko, lets not excuse the selfishness/stinginess of certain men because we’re claiming to promote the feminist movement.

      • Molly September 17, 2013 at 12:41 PM

        Word!! darling Word!! i totally love you for this comment…

        • Yve September 17, 2013 at 2:38 PM

          @Molly, I totally read your comment in British accent in (my head). Weird.

      • Mrs Rotimi Alakija September 17, 2013 at 2:26 PM

        100 LIKES!!!!!!!!

      • Afam September 17, 2013 at 5:46 PM

        Hahaha!! That’s terrible! Where do you meet these guys @Mz Socially Awkward? I’m sure some of the men on here are better choices. I don’t think I’m that bad. If you buy me a present, I’ll pay for your dinner at the very least.

        • BellaYankee September 18, 2013 at 1:02 AM

          You think you’re not as bad as the one Ms Socially Awkward mentioned? Think again. You’re all birds of the same feather. Even I pay for my friends (guy or girl) a lot of the time when we hang. Talk less of someone I have an extra something for. Common movie! You now had the nerve to step forward to pay, not even allowing her go first. You’re a disgrace to humanity. Especially because you’re so proud of your under-accomplishments. Olodo rabata.

      • cc September 20, 2013 at 8:43 AM

        I was enjoying ur comment buh got pissed at london guy making u pay half bill on valantine’s day after giving him a gift. Did u do this bcos he’s from london or what???

    • olodo ode September 17, 2013 at 11:20 AM

      words of a fool. this writer is just so foolish. i am not saying u should open the door for a lady or hold up her umbrella when its raining. all these things are nice and thoughtful things but if u dont want to do them fine its ok. but u cant ask a girl who is sitting in her house out on a date and then say u would not pay. its the same way if a woman should ask a man out on a date she is required to pay after all he was sitting down in his house willing to eat his own food and watch his movie on his tv before she decided that they should go out and spend money. anyways thank God im well aware that we have alot of fool out there who think they can ask u out and expect u to pay. thats why i always advice women to take atleast 5k whenever they are going out on a date. u cant let a man embarrass u. when ur father is not a beggar. abeg jor. afam go and die. paying for a date is under decency not chivalry

    • Mz Socially Awkward... September 17, 2013 at 11:29 AM

      And here’s the other thing. At my office and with the people who know me outside work, they consider me to be some sort of ball-breaking feminist and that is simply because I do things for myself, I hold doors open for men, I lift heavy items without asking for male assistance, I sort DIY ish out with my car& flat myself, I basically seem to act like I don’t need a man. Now bearing in mind that the people who know me at work are 97% white, I find this amusing that these so-called modern white folk have a problem with this. There’s a project manager who I have running banter with every time we meet at a door, he knows what I’m about to do and he makes comments about not wanting to contravene the Equality Act.

      However, even though we joke about it, I know that in his mind, I’m not feminine because I do these things and when I speak to some of the other guys I work with, some remarks they make leads me to understand that they have the same opinion of me. With the guys who know me personally, they’re more direct and one of them continually lets me know that I need to allow men do certain things for me, even though I can do those things myself because I come off as being too hard.

      So I really don’t accept this notion about chilvary being dead, I think men want to still feel needed and in fact, enjoy doing certain things for women. And I think there’s nothing wrong with women who enjoy men doing those things for them. As equal as you seem to believe this world has become, dear Afam, there are still certain roles that men (whether black or white) expect and want to fulfil in a woman’s life and the minute us women begin to delete those roles, I believe we’re going to have some very large ego-driven male issues on our hands.

      • Omodolapo September 24, 2013 at 11:32 AM

        Very very true! so damn true! you gotta let a real man (not boys or guys) be the man…

    • Nubianwaters September 17, 2013 at 11:38 AM

      Reading your well written article, I chuckle as your naivety hits smack in the face. All I have to say is this: I look forward to you doing a review/update
      on this article 10years from now. :-)

      • Friday's otherchild September 17, 2013 at 3:21 PM

        Ditto

      • Concerned_Boyfriend September 17, 2013 at 9:13 PM

        My exact sentiment.

      • Person September 17, 2013 at 10:20 PM

        Amen! He’s 23. He will learn :)
        Except of of course this is very tongue in cheek.

      • BellaYankee September 18, 2013 at 1:10 AM

        I don’t know why you guys are referring to the author’s age. He’s a full grown adult! His mates have families and his juniors are wiser. This has nothing to do with age. I’m sure some older people think worse than he does.

        • Ides of March September 19, 2013 at 5:30 AM

          Thank you! The man is a full grown adult and does not need a pass. W

    • Me September 17, 2013 at 11:39 AM

      No offence but this mindset of yours is queer! And all I could deduce from your article was that you are a stingy,self absorbed and proud young man. You took a girl out on a date and you expect her to pay for herself? Unless you both agreed on it, what you did to her was embarrassing. What if she had no cash on her thinking you were going to pay the bill?? This is why its not wise for ladies to go on dates without some change of your own..incase the guy decides to be funny like mr afam here! But alas I digress, Mister man, being 23 is not an excuse to be ignorant. Infact it is a time to know and develop yourself. There is nothing wrong with chivalry..personally,I think it goes hand in hand with common decency. There is absolutely nothing condescending about opening the door for a lady, pulling her chair for her or even holding her hand as she comes down the stairs.. It is sweet and courteous. It is not by force sha and is in no way a yardstick to determine a man’s true character but it is a plus when a guy can automatically do these things without cringing.I’m going to train my sons to be that kind of man. We already have enough chivalry dead men in Nigeria so abeg try to be an exception eh..? Good luck to you!

      • Toni September 17, 2013 at 2:07 PM

        Men these days don’t work hard enough to get women. Everything has become like fast food and women (not every) are making themselves that way now. If you’re doing “shakara” for a guy of today they think you are crazy or self absorbed. No one wants to work hard to get someone good anymore.
        I do not care what anyone says but I believe women should always have enough money with them if they decide to go out on dates. Not only is it common sense/ a proper thing to do but not every man you see is decent enough to appreciate your time with him. Not every men are real men..We have some imposters and anything can happen too. Women should always want to be smart and secure.
        Don’t go on dates with empty stomachs and and empty pockets. Be wise.

        • AA September 17, 2013 at 2:36 PM

          THANK YOU!!! I blame a lot of these girls out there that are so cheap they could shag a paper bag. Its girls like these that have given men like Afam mouth to talk

    • Iris September 17, 2013 at 11:44 AM

      LOL…this is is just hilarious…and kind of sad. All I’ll say is, continue to do you hun, and let us know how it works out for you in the future LMAO.

      • tutsie September 17, 2013 at 4:22 PM

        Word! Gbam!! Silly twit! But then i guess he just wants to garner comments for his article! :)

    • Iyke September 17, 2013 at 11:44 AM

      Rubbish! Your efforts have over engaged me…and I am exhausted by the fanfare that excuses the presence of gathered truth… Annoyed by the misuse of misguided values…your inability to grasp a concept of purposefulness…and authenticity…finds me uninterested…distant and indifferent… Perhaps a cookie and a sip of Earl Gray tea might help…a hot cup of sensible persuasion…sugar….the aroma of a fresh beginning I can embrace…hold on to…cream no longer needed…required.

      • alice September 17, 2013 at 12:16 PM

        pls rephrase ….and i tink zobo and kulikuli is far nutritous……

        • ebony September 17, 2013 at 1:45 PM

          i tell you oo… all this na mumbo jumbo

      • Yinka September 17, 2013 at 1:41 PM

        whats this one saying???

      • Lucylink September 17, 2013 at 2:00 PM

        Huh?

      • Afam September 17, 2013 at 6:01 PM

        @Iyke Wow! I really hope it wasn’t that bad. I went and had some Earl Grey and a cookie after I read your comment, and there’s been no change. I still don’t really see why I should hold up umbrellas, or slide back chairs. Maybe repetition is the key? I’ll let you know when I try again.

    • Ready September 17, 2013 at 11:54 AM

      Chivalry (definitions)
      Urban dictionary: Something that people always say is dead, but no one seems to know what the hell died..
      Merriam Webster: the system of values (such as loyalty and honor) that knights in the Middle Ages were expected to follow;
      An honorable and polite way of behaving especially toward women.

      Me I just think that if we’re gonna be completely honest with each other ehn, if you want to form equality, you must adapt to new age rules. As long as you want to have the same opportunities as men, and buck gender roles in every other aspect, asking to be treated differently in relationships is not genuine.
      Men like to feel needed, true. So if you ask, let them help. You can ask to have your heavy things lifted…you can express to the man that you like when a man opens doors for you. Expecting it as a right is my problem…I don’t think women should be entitled to these things; if you like it and men do it, give him mental cool points. Not farting in the car is NOT equal to not opening a door for you. This is where the distinction between common decency and chivalry lies; if you choose to not be the best you possible because he didn’t pay $10 for your date, ma’am, that’s on you.

      • Que September 18, 2013 at 1:04 AM

        You do realize that the sexes are never going to be equal, cos we were never intended to be. Women STILL are and most likely will always be required to remain steeped in traditional values especially when it comes to relating with men. I am not a feminist, just one who appreciates our differences and would rather that men and women be given their due respects for what value they add to society… Can you honestly say that- having two men to pick from, both equal/closely so, on every front except manners, u will pick one that’s less considerate on subtle details as pulling a seat for u; and would rather d swinging door slams in your face after all both ur hands are fine enough to catch it (and it is a VERY possible scenario cos I’m in d middle of it now)… Guess it shldn’t be a biggie cos its the modern age…. I hope you get all you stand for in this regard.

      • A-z September 21, 2013 at 2:01 AM

        Finally, ready seems to be the only person with a different perspective.

        First I’d like to say i don’t like Adam one bit, he has always struck me as an ignorant and dogmatic feminist but i have to agree with a couple of things he wrote.
        Secondly you women really need to stop with the self righteous BS and lies, how many of you have actually asked a man out and payed for the entire first date? Emphasis on first date. I’m waiting…., i am so sick and tired of women wanting to be treated equal when its convenient for them and then again when its convenient treated gently like ladies especially when they don’t think men should expect the same courtesy of being treated nicely. Honestly women, its just down right confusing and annoying, pick one already. And for all the feminist out there, even chimamanda said “we need to do away with the stereotype” hence a man owes you nothing.

        Now I have always tried to be a chivalrous and decent man because i was raised better and it’s the nice thing to do, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing in some cases or when I’m made to feel as if its anyone’s right to have when it’s my choice to give. (I mean just imagine a very loud,rude and obnoxious woman expecting chivalry when she hasn’t given any precedence for it).
        Now about the issue of “sitting in your house jejely”, i can appreciate that and yes if he asks you out then he should pay, but women should not be deluded, everyone enjoys sitting in their houses no1 likes to be stressed and contrary to what women believe i would rather sit and watch footie than go on a date because if you are anything like me that goes the extra mile it usually involves a lot of effort, planning and cost so you can have a wonderful date. so women should rather appreciate the effort, communication is also essential if he has taken time out to take you on a date and has treated you to a really wonderful evening and then perhaps suggest you split some of the cost then it would be nice of you to agree (wishful thinking, if only women would even consider this lol)
        The point I’m trying to make is that; chivalry and decency are a must for men but nowadays women think its their right (even when they are down right inconsiderate and unladylike) when rather its a choice. If you are saucy, pretentious and act like you are doing me a favour when I take you on a date then i can choose not to open the car door for you when i drop you off. My two cents.

        • Afam September 23, 2013 at 2:35 AM

          Thank you for putting aside your dislike for me when reading the article. I’m glad that I made some points that you agreed with. While I am a feminist, I’m a little bit of a rubbish one, because to not actively campaign for women’s rights in every instance of inequity is to support the afore mentioned inequity. I’m working on this though.

    • Temilade September 17, 2013 at 12:20 PM

      honestly you sound very frustrated, like you’re lashing out! anyway, you need to see a psychologist ASAP!

      • Afam September 18, 2013 at 5:55 PM

        A blog a day keeps the therapist away @Temilade

    • nikky September 17, 2013 at 12:30 PM

      I think you are cheap afam, pls don’t confuse that with being unchilvarous, if I was d lady u took out on a date and left standing there on the queue looking all stupid, I would ve clocked you one in the throat for that embarrassment. “Flipshairandwalksaway”

    • Irene September 17, 2013 at 12:46 PM

      Just yesterday my boo told his sisters he normally tells me when ever he doesn’t have enough money to pay when we are about to go out and his sisters went all crazy on him (you can’t do that,you shouldn’t tell a lady that) but the thing is, it is not a big deal to me to pick up the bill some times. But its common decency you let me know before we get to our destination.

    • omonike odi September 17, 2013 at 12:51 PM

      hmmmm interesting surname

    • Genny September 17, 2013 at 1:11 PM

      Chivalry is dead ke. Oginni maka whyyyyyyy. Dead bi ti bawo. Ni idile tani. Please o. Afam you are cheap and uncultured. Let me just stop there before I cross the line into the territory of asking your Mama why she did not raise a gentleman. Maybe the poor woman tried her best sef and you no gree hear word. Like other ladies said, I have my pot of Ogbono soup sitting at home with correct amala with reruns of The Vampire Diaries. Double salivation both food and TV. Then you make me leave my house and you expect me to pay. Ko jo mehn. Even after date 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, infinity. Until we are official, official aint paying for nada. I learnt that lesson the hard way. To @Ms Socially Akward. You and I are sort of friends but I really can’t say this to your face so here goes. Yes my darling you come across as hard and not in a good way. Iron doesn’t like Iron. There is strength and power in femininity if you know how to use it. You are a strong woman and we love that about you but chill a little and let men feel needed and stop scaring them off before they get to know the amazing woman that you are. It doesn’t make you less of yourself to present a softer more feminine approach. Not to attract any kind idiot of a man please, but even the strong men you desire want to feel like men. Like they can be seen by their women as defender, protector, person to call and cry if your car breaks down even though you have AA, or your taps are leaking, even though you know where your plumber lives and all that macho shit. No matter how 21st century most of them are, just as as for a woman there’s the inherent motherly instinct (at least for most women), with men there is always the inner machoness, some just over do it and enter the realm of Neanderthal. It doesn’t make you any less of a strong independent woman to allow someone else to take care of you, do the heavy lifting, share some of the burden while you just sit pretty and bat your eyelids. Trust me, the feeling is very heady. Even if I can do it myself wallahi let someone else do it for me. I already have my practised damsel in the distress help me look at hardware stores, garages and petrol stations, even in super stores. My male neighbours have turned to my handymen for free to boot and I think they enjoy it. All I need to do is look helpless and smile. Being a woman rocks something awful. Rock it my dear. Rock it.

      • Vee September 17, 2013 at 2:06 PM

        You know Mz Socially Akward? Biko introduce her to me.. I want to be her friend :)

        • Genny September 17, 2013 at 2:15 PM

          How mush will ya pay?

      • The Real Madam the Madam September 17, 2013 at 3:42 PM

        So you and her are “sort of friends” and you ran to BN to air your views. Some sort of friend you are.

        • Vee September 17, 2013 at 4:02 PM

          Jokes!! I am waiting for her to come and give it to you beacuse me I dont understand this advice that you decided to give her on BN.

      • Mz Socially Awkward... September 17, 2013 at 4:20 PM

        @Genny… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Caught out on BN… and I hear what you’re saying but it gets hard, man and sometimes a gal’s gotta build these fortified walls while she’s navigating through life on her own… but advice duly noted. Thanks.

        @The Real Madam the Madam, I ain’t mad, the thing with tough-love when you’re “sort of friends” with someone is that you never know whether it’ll be taken with the right attitude or whether it’s going to backfire right in your face. So anonymity helps… ;-)

        • slice September 17, 2013 at 4:53 PM

          so shey you’ll let guys help you now? abi maybe GEnny knows a guy that needs a girl to help and you can be all flirty and helpless and …..marry him and do you own BN wedding. lol. i’m serious sha

        • jcsgrl September 17, 2013 at 7:36 PM

          Chai nne see as people wan friend you. Biko add me to the list :) even though I no dey your ureah (in akata language) but we can hook up. But you know I knew you would take the @Gennys comment in good strides so I’m proud of you for being a mashure babes. Like she said rock on and I shall be on the lookout for a nice okorobia in your urea or not but willing to compromise :) Holla at your girl

        • Matured woman September 17, 2013 at 7:45 PM

          I don’t know you but I like you already. After reading the not so nice comments I decided to wait to see how you will respond before I comment. The maturity you displayed must be commended. One of the best advice I have ever received which helped me take a very bold decision that changed my life at that time came anonymously. I just received a letter in the post. Till today I don’t know who that person was but it came just at the right time that I needed it. The Lord works in mysterious ways and we should not reject help when it is given. It could just be what you need. 100 gbosas for you. I thought it was a very helpful comment myself. It is good you did not take offence

        • Mz Socially Awkward... September 17, 2013 at 9:25 PM

          @Slice, you’re a clown! No be small “wedding on BN”, which ain’t happening because once I’ve succeeded in employing my newly acquired femine wiles, we shall elope :-)

          @jcsgirl & @Matured Woman, my dears, these days I’m saving up all my anger for #Childnotbride. No need for unnecessary vexing & I think Genny meant well… :-D

        • Salt Fyfi September 18, 2013 at 1:28 PM

          @: Word!!…I dont know you but am loving your sense of humor unlike some with Dry SOH…biko lets be friends…

        • Salt Fyfi September 18, 2013 at 1:33 PM

          *@Mz Socially Awkward*

        • Fashionista September 19, 2013 at 1:33 AM

          Pls me too I wanna meet Mz socially awkward oh, love her comments die and I strongly believe we will get along!

      • Qongpo September 17, 2013 at 4:25 PM

        If someone was ‘sort of my friend’ I would expect the person would talk to me about matters like this privately not air it on the ‘www’. It makes me question the ‘sort of friend’ you are.

      • slice September 17, 2013 at 4:38 PM

        i only take issue with your comment to SAwkward b/c she already acknowledged those things about herself and said that her friends (who apparently care enough about her to tell her these things) have already brought this issue to her attention. so that leads me to question the point of your essay to her and saying she’s hard but not in a good way and this and that. o come on now.

      • Ada Nnewi September 17, 2013 at 5:02 PM

        I love Mz Socially Awkward as well..Introduce me too..I can pay in Instalments :D

      • chichi September 17, 2013 at 6:47 PM

        Dont know ms SA but i like her comments..I love the hell outta Genny’s comment though. It was funny and im sure other girls would benefit from it too..Whether she told her to her face or on BN, she still told her cos trust me Genny could be worse…@Ada Nnewi, i see you sister..Nnewi girls in the building..woop woop!!!.lol

      • Princess Mimi September 19, 2013 at 12:43 AM

        Thumbs up, I like your comment girl! This guy called Afam, poverty has finished him. If he cannot do what a man is meant to do (regardless of age) then what is the point of him being a ‘man’?

      • Ides of March September 19, 2013 at 5:42 AM

        I totally agree! I was looking helpless on the side of the freeway because i didn’t have a wheel spanner to change my flat tire and a cop came up and changed the tire for me! I was so grateful i hugged him, lol. I’m sure he felt extra ‘useful’ afterwards ;)

    • Sisi September 17, 2013 at 1:20 PM

      I agree July, the article makes sense apart from the date part. You can’t ask someone out on a date (whether male or female is asking mind you) and then expect them to pay. If that is how you operate then you need to make that from the get go. The rest is reasonable – but of course chivalry is a nice gesture that should not be looked down upon.

    • Deee September 17, 2013 at 1:23 PM

      It’s very simple, whoever asks the other out on the date should pay and in the case of say a blind date where neither party did the asking then both parties should be ready to pay although ideally if the man likes and intends to see the woman again it would be nice of him to pay.

      • Afam September 17, 2013 at 5:57 PM

        I see! I’m such a learner. Thanks for this lesson Deee!

    • nwanyi na aga aga September 17, 2013 at 1:28 PM

      Dear Afam in as much as I understand what you are trying to say. I will start with faulting the example you gave. You cannot ask me out on a date and expect me to pay. You wanted to company I agreed to it. You should also cater for me. If you know I am going to pay for my own expenses it will also be ‘decent’ to inform me. Its like inviting me to your house and expecting me to bring my own drinks without prior information. Same thing applies to me, if i invite a guy on a date/hang out/cinema. I take care of the expenses although in naija here the guys would rather die than allow you do that but at least i will try and to pick up some bills even if he pays for food i pay for drinks or I pay for the popcorn/soft drink and he pays for the movie itself. So I think you might want to redefine what you call ‘decency’ and ‘chivalry’ so that you dont rub off on ppl as stupid. But then u re a young child so You still have a lot to learn.

    • jcsgrl September 17, 2013 at 1:29 PM

      sorry is the same Madman that comments on BN? They seem to yarn the same language

      • jcsgrl September 17, 2013 at 1:30 PM

        *this

      • Vee September 17, 2013 at 2:08 PM

        I thought the same you know. Dude writes well though..

        • Afam September 18, 2013 at 5:52 PM

          Thank you. I appreciate that no fault was found with the writing. If the readers of bellanaija, found fault in the way it was written, then I am in the wrong line of work.

    • igirl September 17, 2013 at 1:53 PM

      Oh dear Afam! You are absolutely a writer with a lovely and distinct style. Nice write-up though I don’t totally share your conviction on the subject matter. Lol…your blog is the ‘Ravings of a madman, right? Your perspectives might change, probably if you become ‘sane’ Nice one! Cheers!

    • Person pikin September 17, 2013 at 1:58 PM

      I wouldn’t date you if I knew you. I have gone on dates with white guys (whom you presumably borrowed your ideas from) and they paid on first couple of dates. I had even offered to split the bills and some declined. Your point makes no sense to me.

      • Afam September 17, 2013 at 5:55 PM

        I do not think I borrowed my ideas from white men. In fact, I know a few that cringe at my unchilvarous disposition. Like I said in the article, my ideas were probably formed when I was in secondary school in Nigeria.

    • The Real Madam the Madam September 17, 2013 at 2:33 PM

      Cool story bro.

    • Friday's otherchild September 17, 2013 at 2:36 PM

      I don’t believe this is a binary, one size fits all or mutually exclusive position i.e. chivalrous behaviour is sometimes about having decency and sometimes simply about using one’s common sense. Likewise, ‘equality’ doesn’t necessarily negate the need to be chivalrous or desire chivalry.

      In a relationship/dating context, I think the most important thing is that both parties need to figure out what the deal breakers are for the other, and then figure out whether they can meet those expectations. Using myself as an example, I absolute expect and require chivalry. I like old fashioned romance and I like to be wooed. I believe I am special – I know it’s deeply unfashionable to admit this, but I do – and as such I welcome and entertain any behaviour that makes me feel as though the other person also understands and appreciates this. To be clear, this doesn’t meant that I expect a guy to constantly pick up the tab, but I do expect that from a very early stage he shows a duty of care, which in turn makes me feel more confident about investing in him, and in his ability to meet my needs emotionally.

      A lot of chivalrous behaviour is symbolic and symbolism even in this day has its place. Romantic or chivalrous gestures don’t cost a thing but can make a difference to the quality of the relationship and ones experience of it. So yes, while I’ll put those hours in at work to pay my own way in life, pick up the tab sometimes, and also do my best (without feeling compromised) to make sure the person I am dating feels equally appreciated. I absolutely require doors to be opened, chairs to be pulled out, a jacket to be given if it’s cold and I didn’t bring one along, cute notes to be sent telling me I’m missed while I’m at work etc, etc. For me how we treat each other is very simple but individual; understand, and if you can give the person what they require to make you feel how you require, otherwise keep it moving and find someone more aligned to your way of thinking.

      • Afam September 17, 2013 at 5:53 PM

        No it isn’t a binary, one size fits all or mutually exclusive position. I think it is very difficult to have a binary, one size fits all, mutually exclusive position on anything. E.g I hate liars… but I just told my office that i was down with Malaria, when I wasn’t actually down with malaria. Do I hate myself? Nope.

        • Friday's otherchild September 17, 2013 at 6:45 PM

          Except of course that you have made your argument/position(s) binary and mutually exclusive, from what I gleamed from your write up to your mind it is chivalry or decency and you’ve pitted expecting chivalrous behaviour against gender equity, or equality. You don’t seem to think these can work in tandem. I feel your voicing a number of modern day clichés and my thoughts are that human interactions aren’t a series of clichés or political statements/movements. People get the best out of each other when they tend to each other needs. A question if it isn’t too personal; what really will it cost you to hold open doors, pay for a first date, pull back a chair, open the door for your date to get in, if these small tokens add to your date/partner being more invested in you and taking the time to reciprocate with equally meaningful gestures that will make you feel absolutely special and appreciated?

      • Afam September 17, 2013 at 7:29 PM

        Yes, I did, but only so that it would work as an article. While it is true that this is generally my position on chivalry, it certainly doesn’t apply in every instance. It wasn’t supposed to be all that serious really. About your question, it would depend on how much I liked the date. And for my partner, I can’t say what I’ll do exactly, but I will generally move to make her more comfortable in any given situation. But that is a different article for a different day. I enjoyed writing it. It made me laugh.

    • just thinking September 17, 2013 at 3:11 PM

      I cant believe I read this but I wont subject myself to reading the comment

    • Bee September 17, 2013 at 4:27 PM

      I believe in being a strong woman but please if a man is willing and able to take care of me, who am i to say no??? …then on a first date i will offer to split the bill but i expect him to decline but if he agrees then i will bring out my “vex money” and keep it moving.My dear Afam…live and learn…

    • omo akhigbe September 17, 2013 at 5:55 PM

      @Bee, Na real “vex money” i sure say say even the waiter/ress go fear fear!

    • Olori Tari September 17, 2013 at 6:00 PM

      Loool…such a breathe of fresh air..

    • Concerned_Boyfriend September 17, 2013 at 7:38 PM

      How can you tell me Chivalry is dead when you’re only 23 years old…FOH son!!

    • Nomy1 September 17, 2013 at 10:35 PM

      Afam you do write well. Nice writing style I swear down, but it was a lot of rubbish. Even if na 10th date, as long as you asked me out, you are paying! Finally biko can you tell me how you submitted this? I would love to hand in something.

      • Afam September 18, 2013 at 6:04 PM

        Thank you. email one of the people on the contact page. I think that’s the only way really.

    • Atm September 17, 2013 at 11:17 PM

      i guess the only thing i’d like to know from Afam is why he felt the need to emphasise his age

      • Afam September 18, 2013 at 5:48 PM

        I don’t really think I placed great emphasis on my age @atm. It seemed in keeping with the tone of the article to mention that I am 23, and that I definitely prefer being 23 to being 22, and that being 23 will probably be better than being 24

    • Diva September 18, 2013 at 1:22 AM

      Lol @Afam in general ! I love it. I want to believe you did this to get people riled up. Chivalry is not and can’t be dead. That’s just stingy tendencies not wanting to foot the bill abegy… how much is cinema and dinner oh? Are you feeding a nation?
      To all my independent ladies, please have the DECENCY to find your way back to your fathers out if on date number 1 you are not by choice going halfsies. it’s that serious. You are walking out in style not because you cant afford it but simply to restore chivalry in our 21st century men.

    • Princess Mimi September 18, 2013 at 4:27 AM

      This is nonsense. Ladies runaway from a man like this, who shows you his true colours from day1. How can you expect me to pay my own bill when you asked me out on a date? Somethings are traditional and will never change. Ladies know your worth!!!

      • Afam September 18, 2013 at 5:43 PM

        And so it is that the ladies have been running away since 2009. Well, not all of them. I like to think that I overcome my cheapskate tendencies, with my wit and my charm.

    • Oyinade September 18, 2013 at 10:51 AM

      Afam, this is just terrible that’s all I can say. I think you have an grudge against women.

      • Afam September 18, 2013 at 5:45 PM

        No, I don’t think I have a grudge against women.

    • D September 18, 2013 at 9:51 PM

      The idea of writing an article I would think is to air your views and also to garner comments both supportive and not so supportive “usually food for thought and/or constructive criticism”. That people took the time to read your article and comment, i think you shd be appreciative at the very least even if views are divergent. You wrote very well but i compeletely disagree with you. No point telling you why as you will try to come back here and justify ur pt. If it is working for you….then by all means do you. Having nothing against your views just find it quite off putting your need to reiterate your stance to commenters and your sarcasm ……seems to me you may be a bit narcissistic. Do take it in good stride young man after all the article was not meant to be that serious.

    • Mexi September 19, 2013 at 11:24 AM

      Hello Afam I love ur style of writing ,but my brother the truth is that if u continue like this u will still be single at the age of 45 dats when u will start disturbing the pastors in town …if u invited a lady on a date be polite enuf to pay the bills dats one of the things eat makes u a MAN. A word is enuf for the wise don’t say u weren’t tld.

    • Mexi September 19, 2013 at 11:25 AM

      *dat*

    • Isthatme September 19, 2013 at 6:48 PM

      Tbh I don’t ever leave my house to go on any date without having any money. I am (sometimes or maybe all the time ) independent . I just hate people or a guy for that matter saying to me “pay for your meal” .

    • Cubeycubes September 19, 2013 at 6:54 PM

      About to piss some people off but you know we are all brought up in different ways. If a guy did what Afam did on a first date trust me I won’t even be angry. No law states that a guy must pay because he asked you out on a date . What would happen if the situation was reversed would the guy expect the girl to pay cus she asked??

    • Diadem September 21, 2013 at 6:05 AM

      Nice write-up I must say. Most of d commenters have really said 1 or 2 things I would have loved to say & I’ve also noted some good points I will try to imbibe such as letting d men do some things 4 u.(I am also one of d super-independent-ladies kind of female). Guess I became so bcos we were all girls while growing up & I was stronger & rarely looked sideways for help.

    • Ayo September 22, 2013 at 12:50 PM

      Beautifully written. Daft content.

    • Dee_deeY September 22, 2013 at 9:10 PM

      ALWAYS-carry egg money! God forbid your date is “Afam-y”. Una don hear.

    • She formerly known as Knut September 24, 2013 at 5:07 AM

      Hey Afam, this was very well written and totally hilarious. That being said, I will spend the next few minutes praying for the spirit of chivalry be restored to your life, now! Somebody say Amen!

    • spicy September 26, 2013 at 3:09 PM

      Lol! Nice write up Afam, Ms SA Im also on the queue, how about direct debits? :)

    • inosend September 30, 2013 at 11:26 AM

      Afam you totally defined yourself as a madman….you take me on a first date to the movies and you don’t pay my ticket, sorry no second chance…..how rude and tactless…..if you decide it will be 50/50 before hand that’s ok…..even abroad where the women pay, the guys always pay on the fisrt dates except if its clearly spelt out….

    • inosend September 30, 2013 at 11:36 AM

      chivalry or no chivalry sha i always get my hubby to do all the man work around the house….he is big 6 ft and macho he needs to put his muscle to good use abeg….so if he is at home i don’t for e.g put on the gen, lift anything heavy, change bulbs etc..these are things i can do when he is not around but when he is around he is my mr fix it…..opening car doors for example is no biggie to me but sometimes i expect him to guide me if i need to cross a gutter or climb certain steps etc….chivalry aint dead at all its just the gentlemanly and commonsense thing to do…..Afam take note if not you go single tey oh…lol….

    • Koffie October 3, 2013 at 11:39 PM

      I think Afam said sumn like. (Don’t learn from me) so let’s not take him that seriously. I’m quite sure its all dependent on how much he’s into the date. That said, I went on a movie date with a dude that claimed to like me and I got there later than him cos of holdup, he had bought tickets already cos it was a doubledate and my guy collected his money back. I was like o_o. Thank god I had enough money cos I also paid for my drink while he didn’t order claiming he. Was allergic to fruits as it was a smoothies joint we sat in to chill after the movie. I’m very modern and all but he was simply shameless. Anyways, I learnt to not date guys my age noni cos most of them are clueless as to how a lady shld be wooed. And another date I went on shortly after this, he was a perfect gentleman and is definitely in my good books

    • ogo October 10, 2013 at 12:14 PM

      Afam u sound like you’re going through things right now. So i think il let this article slide of judgement and criticism.