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Why Can’t We Be Friends?!

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It was one of those conversations that were an opportunity for one party to allow the dam of pent-up emotions, frustrations and desires to spew forth from the heart like a newly dug-up oil well.

The guy who I happened to be in conversation with droned on and on for minutes on end, and I must confess, for the most part I was either singing “Suck belle Make Shirt fine” in my head, or checking out all the other guys in the room.

Everything he was saying to me sounded like the noise a VCR makes when you do a rewind or Fast-forward…I just wasn’t following.

All of a sudden, my attention was jerked away from the mischievous looking guy across the room, whom I had been playing ‘Catch Me Scoping If You Can’ with for the past two minutes, by the words that rang out of my Rant Guy’s monologue.

“Why can’t we be Friends?!”

Maybe it was the intense emotion with which he uttered these words, the fact that I was getting irritated that I was playing such a dumb game with a guy I was becoming convinced was retarded, or that the question just seemed like a desperate cry for help, but something definitely got me hooked on those words.

My in-built PVR (TiVo for all you Yankers) did a quick replay in my head of all he had been saying, which I hadn’t paid any attention to. The story goes thus:

He had been with a chic for the past 2-3months, everything was going along quite well, they spent a great deal of time together, and he even found himself making sacrifices for her which would hitherto have been impossible of him to do for anyone else.

Anyhow, things began to break down between them after a while; he says she was the one who began consistently screwing up, and even though he was willing to look beyond the stuff she had done and continue with the relationship, she was basically just being a B*#ch (in his own words of course)!!

So finally, he couldn’t take any more of the crap she seemed to be delightfully serving him, and he said “Babe, FADE abeg!!”

They walked away from each other, and that was where I met the relationship. The most recent development as at the time of my conversation with him was that he had tried several times to interact with her on a purely friendly basis, and she kept giving him the cold shoulder.

This was pissing him off immensely, hence the substituting me for the Emotional Punching Bag. He obviously still had feelings for her, but was instead trying to settle for the less volatile relationship that Friendship may be able to afford them.

The question is was she willing to accept that? Well, apparently not, as his emotion-laden “WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS” question revealed.

Trying to understand it from the perspective of the Chic and why she gave him a major turndown as regards his Friendship proposal, I did a quick mental run-down of my Exes to see if being Friends after a Relationship is an easy feat, or if the Chic was just being a Drama Mama.

There are two different types of Past relationships from the way I see it: the ‘AAAAWWWWW’ ones and the ‘PPTTCCHHEEWWWW’ ones. Yes, the latter is a major, eyeing-up-and-down, hand-on-waist, leaning forward, hip-rolling Hiss.

There are those guys I’ve been with, that memories of what we shared immediately give me a warm feeling and make me smile in nostalgia. Those are very few and far between; in my case, maybe 4 out of the just above 800 guys I’ve dated (and that figure is last Census’ count ooo!!).

These are the really nice relationships where what was shared between me and the guy was a whole lot more than “I’m your babe” and “You’re my guy”. Actually, in these Relationships, the other person and I were GUYS!!

You know, like we were BUDDIES and the ‘dating’ part was just the added value. So when the relationships ended, it was actually more like a beginning than an End; an opportunity to explore the depths of our shared Bond, on a new frontier.

In these relationships, I actually appreciated what we had much more, AFTER the Break-up, as I could now see that there was no Condition (Dating or Not Dating) in the love we shared.

Till today, I’d still do ALL the things I could’ve done for them while we were together (well, except the Shags as I’m not a proponent of Okafor’s Law), and even more, without feeling weird about it.

Memories of the ‘PPTTCCHHEEWWWW’ relationships on the other hand, have the capacity to ruin my entire day. If I even think about them, I just get PISSED off, more at myself, for what on earth I could have been thinking to have actually dated that person.

And if your Math is any good, you have probably calculated that the remaining over 796 of my relationships fall into this category!!

Chai!! Abeg don’t even get me talking about those ‘PPTTCCHHEEWWWW’ relationships, because I fit reach Part 100 of this same article if we continue.

Nevertheless, I’m certain you get my drift. So after my sojourn into my own land of Friendship with Exes, I couldn’t help but wonder which category my Rant Guy fell into for the Chic he was complaining about; ‘AAAWWWWWW’ or ‘PPTTCCHHEEWWWW’.

As I looked at him, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him; “Eiiyyaa, poor guy, I wonder where he stands…”

My personal opinion on the issue of Friendship with Exes is simple: Why would I want to date a guy or get married to someone who if we broke up right now, I wouldn’t be able to stand being in the same room with?!

Conflicts or all the drama of Break-ups is actually the best time to test the substance of the Relationship you have with someone. If you guys can have conflicts or even break-up, and still are able to maintain a high level of courtesy, respect, dignity and affection toward each other, irrespective of the fact that you can no longer use the ‘MY Boyfriend/Girlfriend’ title when referring to them, THEN you know that it was a relationship that was worth being in.

After all, it’s not every GREAT guy/girl who comes into our lives that we’ll end up being married to. Sometimes, I guess some people come to inspire the best from within us, and prepare us for the even greater Relationships to come.

Until we meet again, this is Tariere, wishing you a lifetime of ‘AAAWWWWWW’s’ and an end to ALL ‘PPTTCCHHEEWWWW’s’!!
___________________________________________________________________________________________
You can check out Tari’s Blog on www.tariere.blogspot.com or follow TariEkiyor on Twitter.

Tari Ekiyor is a Writer, Friend, Sister, Daughter, Servant, Leader, and most importantly, a Lover.

35 Comments

  1. Elpee

    July 7, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Firstt!!! I love this article and its sooo true

  2. omogekofo

    July 7, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    second!!!!! i will be back after reading this.

  3. vieve

    July 7, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    I like this article

  4. omogekofo

    July 7, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    @ my last count, i had dated 2500 guys and still counting in my 25 years on earth
    its no big deal…

    we all end up being friends!!!!!

    except 4 d pot bellied daddies who wants to keep being friends with their great
    grand childrens mate…..*wink*

  5. Blessed

    July 7, 2010 at 6:25 pm

  6. Pinky

    July 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Hmmmmm…. I really don’t agree with this….
    For peace sake in your next relationship, its just better to go your separate ways…
    I bet you would be excited if your next boyfriend is all buddy buddy with his ex…
    Please lets be realistic…
    Maybe with time… but ur friend must be quite daft to think a girl he has just dumped
    would be happy being friends with him at that point:-s

  7. Chika*

    July 7, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Some people don’t mind being friends with their exs. As for the Okafor’s law, I think it’s different sha. What if the girls wants it as much as the man? Does that count? Anyways, everyone should do what makes them happy…after it is one life to live.

  8. chica

    July 7, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    borring

  9. chinekeGodof Africa

    July 8, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Not meaning to sound rude but i have been following Tari’s blog for a while and saw her write up on 360 nobs…i didnt know babes could write .I always saw her in QC and Unilag as one of those airhead girls..sorry!but that’s what i thought…:-)

  10. rolake

    July 8, 2010 at 1:42 am

    wow!!! ME THINKS THAT AS U ARE NOT MARRIED THERE SHOULD BE NO “SHAGS” IN YOUR LIFE!!!
    I think its funny how we all say we are christians but then go against one of the obvious instructions in the bible “Do not FORNICATE”!! Whatever happened to decency and respect for our bodies. Y cant girls of this generation remain virgins? WHY HAS THE WORLD BECOME S OBSESSED WITH SEX??

  11. Toothsy

    July 8, 2010 at 9:22 am

    How about being neither friends nor enemies with exes? I mean, he/she is an ex for a reason right? Whether good or bad reason, let bygones be bygones and give yourself enough space to accord due respect to the one you are with. Being FB friends with exes alone is too much work, let alone having their number and showing up to their birthday parties.

  12. Viola

    July 8, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Funny i am not friends with any of my exes… this article gives me food for thought. I agree, the being able to maintain a level of courtesy post relationship is ideal. But being buddies might not be a healthy decision. Whatever works in the end.. I guess. Good one

  13. longsufferer

    July 8, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Friendships with ex(s)…no go area….cos for most guys, it is all about Okafor’s law….but den again it depens on whom broke who’s heart, reason for the break up…nice one!!!

  14. Moi

    July 8, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    kinda boring actually…especially the begining part..was begining to wonder the point of the write up, i skiped most lines infact. But at the end i get the point…its ok though..thanks for sharing

  15. Oluwayemisi

    July 8, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Yeah!Those who have said they liked the article ,you are just right on point!
    I am actually a victim of the “awwww” relationship,actually ended after 10 years
    because of distance but ask me anytime I am” on red”,just get my calling card
    and before I know it it’s 2/3 hours we have been talking and we talk as much as when
    we were a pair.
    We could have ended up marrying ,he was my first love but like they say,love sometimes is not enough
    but I still appreciate his friendship,his loyalty,his respect and lots we have shared
    and learned from one another.
    Why not,can we be friends?

  16. missy

    July 8, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    if we are not dating anymore then we are not friends maybe in another 4yrs we can be friends. Exe’s should remain in the past plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

  17. feylaggy

    July 9, 2010 at 6:51 am

    @missy,I agreed wit ur opinion.Friendship with an ex is too dangerous.It will only lead to hertaches n troubll

  18. feylaggy

    July 9, 2010 at 6:53 am

    i meant to type heartaches and trouble.sorry for the error.

  19. Di

    July 9, 2010 at 11:40 am

    a friend of mine once said -having an ex say ‘we can still be friends’ is kinda like your mum saying ‘your dog is dead, but you can still keep it’
    though i actually am of the opinion that you can stay friends with exes, but puleeeeeease, dont ask for it especially if you are initiating the break up! let the other person get over the hurt and try and rebuild the friendship.

  20. Biodun

    July 9, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Nice article!. Didn’t think Naija ladies can be ‘so matter of fact’. Love the ‘in your face’ style t
    oo. I totally agree with the conclusion-post relationship friendship depends on
    the kind of relationship in the first place.

  21. Juwon

    July 9, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Im having a AWWWWWWWW… time right now and praying it won’t end.This is a beautiful piece.

  22. Biodun

    July 9, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Sorry Rolake. Probably either because you didn’t get any or you still aren’t getting any does not mean you should take the moral high-ground. Gosh!! its self righteous people like you I cant stand!!! People like you are the reasons why a lot of men who married virgins sleep around. Because they weren’t able to confirm how sexually compatible they were with their wives!!

  23. Yinka

    July 9, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    This is a beautiful write up! Precise and straight to the point! Had me doing some soul searching myself.lol
    @rolake: Why don’t you live by your own rules and let others live by theirs? I get the feeling your regard yourself better than those who have sex before marriage. You got it all wrong sweetie. The same bible you made reference to said to not cast the first stone. I might not know you, but am confident you have sinned this week. When you can deal with that log in your eyes, then maybe you can condemn the speck in someone else’s.

  24. peezed

    July 10, 2010 at 1:41 am

    Erm, please free Rolake abeg, she simply said the truth not taking a moral high ground. She was addressing the so-called Christians who do not live by their Christian principles by going to church. Truth hurts….but I’m guessing the writer’s present might be different.

    Biodun, there are men who married non-virgins who cheat as well. Virginity or abstinence or celibacy is a religious decision for many rather than a means to prevent our future husbands from cheating.

    Yinka, I agree. Some might be celibate singles but we may have lied, insulted and committed other sins.

  25. Blackberry

    July 12, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Interesting read.
    However, I disagree with you on so many levels. First of all, you have heard only one side of the story and probably your friend is ranting to you from his own POV. Secondly, he decided to break up with her, what does he need her friendship for? So he can eat his cake and have it? The fact that he broke up with her most probably means he broke her heart and he has moved on. She is not good enough for one thing but good for another thing right (who died and made him god). You are not looking at the fact that the lady in question may have been wronged by your friend (lord knows all the BS men have up their sleeves these day and make it look like it’s the girls fault).
    If the girl is not emotionally ready to be his friend, he should carry his friendship and FADE abi na by force?

  26. rolake

    July 12, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    @peezed…thanks!! I do not feel I am better than a non-virgin because I am a sinner as
    well. All i was saying is that you cant be hot and cold. Are u going to follow God’s
    commandment comletelty or half-way. We make too many excuses as to why
    we should have pre-marital sex. Most times it leaves girls feeling low and used
    after being dumped. I see girls getting so attached to men because they have given
    them a part of themselves and the men dont appreciate it.
    @Biodun..ur comment is plain silly. So all the women that slept with their husbands
    before marriage dont get cheated on? Lets not make excuses for not being able
    to control ourselves. It is wrong plain and simple.

    Women pls respect your bodies and share it with one man that respects u enough to wait!

    • Cyber, Oko Alhaja

      October 13, 2011 at 4:30 pm

      Rolake, do not mind them, all those people ready to open their legs. Of course many men will like women who sleep around and some foolish women would do so. At the end of it all, the woman is the loser.

  27. Moo

    July 15, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Tari true talk but is not everybody dt can stand been frd with [email protected] true talk.d society has make it difficult to b virgin,sex is thrown into our face everywhere.

  28. lovely lady

    July 18, 2010 at 1:49 am

    I av dis problem,I av bin tryin 2 deal with 4 3yrs nw,I’m in a Awwww relationship presntly,but I still see ma Ex,as I am writin dis m presntly layin in his bed.I cnt sim 2 fig out wat it s dt I wnt wit him,I love ma bf,but no matter aw I try I stil find ma sef goin bac 2 ma ex,I knw he doesn’t deserve mi bt I just cnt help but go bac 2 him.pls help mi I tink I av gon nuts!!!!!!

  29. blackbeauty

    July 18, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    I won’t want to be friends with a guy immediately after a bad break-up, the guy in trhe article
    is just being selfish. She obviously wants all of him-wants to be in a relationship with him and not part of with him. It’s all or nothing!!! I’m friends with my ex, and I think exes make great friends, b ut
    in this case he dumped the girl and she’s still angry with him.

  30. Tosin O.

    July 18, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Phew! ‘Had to duck my head at every turn…….missiles flying all over the place…. Aunty Rolake doing her thing…..Biodun, Moo etc. Na real war. So my own comment:

    Awwww @ Lovely Lady. Now that’s not a “lovely” (no pun intended) thing to do to someone you are in an “Awwww” (thanks, Tari for the new description!) relationship with. But my guess is that the grass is greener on your ex’s side i.e. The “shags” are better. Great sex is an integral part of a relationship, for me at least.
    Be that as it may, there are some virtues such as kindness, consideration, love and yes, generosity that are more important than sexual prowess. These are the hard-core values that will stand the test of time. So, please Lovely Lady, set your sights on the more lasting and permanent virtues not ephemeral ones.

    Thanks Tari for sharing your life so unashamedly with us in such a pleasant and entertaining way.

  31. Chizzy

    July 21, 2010 at 5:41 am

    @ rolake… i understand where you are coming from..n dnt falter on dat..God makes rules for our own good n not to tie us down..

  32. agony aunt

    July 24, 2010 at 12:43 am

    My goodness, such passionate responses, but u guys digressed due to Sister Rolake’s comment, she is right it preserves ur integrity when u wait to share ur body(which should be a temple by d way) so you should learn to respect it and share it wt someone u truly love and deserves it. But Virginity doesn’t make u “pure” cos u can technically b a virgin bt ur mind has made love in 1000 ways e.t.c. As 4d friends part, only 2 mature pple who made true friendship d bedrock of their relationship& did nt part in malice can handle it. U c if shag wasn’t part of it in d 1st place it wud b much easier. Otherwise abeg let sleeping dogs lie.

  33. seanini

    August 4, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    lol,so true Tari.can’t be with my ex after a breakup irrespective of whatever happened btw us.

  34. Wuke

    August 11, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    I couldnt make it through, I got borred…. maybe ill try again tomorrow

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