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A Woman’s Worth

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I was at a wedding recently and got talking to a friend of a friend, and the inevitable question about my marital status came up. ‘I’m not married’ I said. He seemed to be rather surprised, and said ‘It’s weird because when I see a beautiful girl like you that’s single I sometimes think- what’s wrong with her, why hasn’t she been scooped up?’. I had to mentally restrain myself from head-butting him right in the middle of the wedding! After several calming breaths, I explained to him that I wasn’t married because I hadn’t found the right one yet, and I’d rather take my time and be happily married than marry in a hurry and be in a marital prison. In spite of my better judgment we talked some more and he agreed with my opinion, and I realized that he actually didn’t mean it in a bad way. Sadly he’s not alone with his reasoning. Several times I have overheard conversations where no matter how accomplished a woman is, the fact that she may be over 25 and unmarried means there’s something seriously wrong with her. Till this day I really struggle to understand that concept.

A few years ago I remember my friend told me about a cousin of hers who is a medical doctor. She was intelligent, good-looking and good-natured – you would’ve expected her to be the pride of her parents’ right? Well not in this case. See she was about to turn 35 and wasn’t married, and that was something her parents found terribly shameful. It got so bad that her parents were desperately looking for ‘marriage ready’ men to marry their daughter. Eventually a marriage was ‘arranged’ and my friend dragged me along to the wedding. I got there in time for the reception, and was looking forward to seeing who the groom was. Upon my first glance, he looked decent…then it came to the speeches, and I kid you not, the groom spent the first 10 minutes talking about how grateful he was that he was able to get his visa so he could be here, blah blah blah. I initially thought  he was joking, but he continued talking about how he was thankful to God that he made it to theUKand so on. He eventually mentioned his bride, and you could tell that this wasn’t a couple that had fallen in love and had decided that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. As we left the wedding, we talked about the situation and I was sad…very sad to be honest. I didn’t know the bride personally, but I was upset because it seemed that all of her achievements were irrelevant because she wasn’t married. And I thought, why is it that till today, it seems as though the height of a woman’s achievement in life is marriage?

I’m sure we can all recall a conversation (or two) we’ve had or overheard where a certain woman’s achievements have been discussed, and then someone says ‘but she’s not married’ and then you hear the ‘eyaas’ etc. I get it every now and then, it starts off with ‘you’ve done well in your career, but you better go and get married’ as though getting married is the ultimate goal in my life! Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people that know me will tell you that I am very much the hopeless romantic, and getting married is definitely part of my plans, but is it the ultimate goal? No! The ‘you better go and get married’ speeches infuriate me, and I so want to scream ‘is that the only reason I’ve been put on this earth?!!’. Surely in terms of achievements a woman can have in her life, ‘getting married’ should not be the number 1 goal? It is definitely one of the important ones for me, but the main one? Naahh.

After several discussions/arguments with my dear mother, I think she finally understands my views. She is very proud of what I’ve achieved career-wise, but almost every time we attend a wedding together we tend to have the same conversation. It starts off with her saying in Yoruba ‘We’ll do your own like that’, to which I respond ‘Amen o’. Then she looks at me and says ‘when will that be exactly?’ It took me a while to master the correct response, but now I simply say ‘When I’ve found the right one’. We then go back and forth with her thinking I’m too focused on my career, to which I now respond ‘Do you want me to get married just because society thinks I should or do you want me to marry the right person and be happy?’. For extra measure I’ll add ‘I can find and marry someone in 6 months if you want, but chances are I’ll probably move in with you in about 3 years if things don’t work out (This response tends to win me the argument).

Truth be told, in my 3 years back in Nigeria there were a few situations that could’ve resulted in me getting married, but things just weren’t right. Either I couldn’t really be myself with the person, or I knew I wasn’t compatible with the person. Bottom line is that I refused to get sucked into the mentality that all my accomplishments in life were somehow irrelevant because I was yet to achieve goal ‘numero uno’ – marriage.

All of my married friends have that one piece of advice – ‘take your time, don’t rush into it’. A good friend recently confided in me and told me how important getting married to her had been. She had been obsessed with getting married before she hit the big “3 0”.  She got married when she was 26. In retrospect however, she felt as though she should have waited. Waited to make sure that this person was the right one for her, rather than let herself be motivated by the ‘I must marry before I’m 30’ fear.

I must admit, it’s hard to stand by your guns and not give in to the ‘you must marry to validate yourself as woman’ pressure, but then I think about it like this – if I make a rushed or ill-informed decision on who to marry, will the ones that are putting the pressure on me come to my rescue and get me out of the situation, or will I be forced to grin and bear it? So this is my outlook, ladies if you are able to find and marry your soul-mate straight out of school/university, that’s great, but if things don’t happen that way, it’s still ok to take your time and wait for the right one, not ‘Mr Perfect’ (because he most likely doesn’t exist) but ‘Mr Right for You’ – remember God’s time is best. Most importantly, if you have achieved a lot in your life and are of good character, don’t let anyone let you feel less about yourself because you aren’t married!

Note from Toolz: Yesterday, before I sent this article to the BN team, I posted this tweet to encourage discussion:

‘The height of a woman’s achievements in life is NOT marriage”.

I didn’t feel this was particularly controversial, but I was quickly proven wrong. The responses I got (particularly from young women) was disheartening. Here are a few examples,

 “If you are 30, and have no husband or children you are not a woman”.

 “I am sure that statement was meant to defend your self. Why don’t you stop deceiving people wit your ludicrous ideas. When u have failed to carry out your mission assigned you from God in life, consider yourself a failure”.

Can someone please remind me which century we live in? In retrospect, perhaps I should’ve tweeted: “The height of MY achievements in life is NOT marriage”.

Nevertheless, I was  surprised about the very negative feedback – was it wrong of me to think that most women would like to achieve much more than marriage in their lives? For example, Joyce Banda married (for the 2nd time) in the 1980s, a great achievement no doubt, but she didn’t stop there as she had set other goals for herself. She worked hard, and went on to become the first Female President ofMalawi. What do you guys think about these twitter comments? Should marriage be the most important goal for every woman or are there other things to life, including marriage? What do you guys think?

Photo credit: http://ashleysbrideguide.com

ToolzO is an award-winning on-air personality who currently presents ‘The Midday Show with Toolz’ on the Beat 99.9FM (Lagos), 'Afrobeat News' on Capital Xtra (UK) and Ndani TV’s The Juice on DSTV Africa Magic Entertainment. You can find out more about Toolz by visiting www.ToolzO.net and @ToolzO on Twitter and Instagram.

251 Comments

  1. LPS

    April 18, 2012 at 10:51 am

  2. Eggy*Posh

    April 18, 2012 at 10:54 am

    all I can say is hmmm…BN I sent in article yesterday and I am yet to receive any feedback o…

  3. Gidi

    April 18, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Not this topic again!!!
    Have we not had enough of this??
    If that is the quality of responses from your twitter followers (i guess that is what it is called?),then you need to implement a sort of quality control. Such females are a danger to themselves and the world at large.
    On the other hand, i have a problem with your response to the friend at the wedding. Waiting forever for a marriage partner is no guarantee that you will have a blissful marriage. There are no guarantees. I’ll be more respectful of the opinion that it just has not happened. Whether you wait for decades out of fear of marital prison or you marry at 18 out of fear of societal labels, the truth is that there are no guarantees. You just do your best, give it your very best and involve the 3rd partner in every blessed marriage (baba God).
    Finally, most marriage problems are very solvable. They just need hard work and patience. This mentality that once marriages encounter problems that the couples have become locked in prison and the keys thrown away is a defeatist mentality and a cop out for day dreamers.

    • Louisa

      April 26, 2012 at 3:14 pm

      I totally agree with you. There are no guarantees! I know a couple who dated for 8 years and got divorced withiin 2 years of marriage. Contrast with another couple–the guy proposed after 3 months of talking over the phone. He literally was just seeing her for the first time when he proposed! and here they are 4 years later super happy–infact a lot of people try to emulate them. A marriage works when two people are mutually committed,fully invested in making it work. Simple.

    • Audrey

      April 30, 2012 at 11:37 am

      Thank you my sister. that comment is apt. It takes two comitted individuals who are wiling to make it work,period! no guarantees.

    • yoyo

      May 12, 2012 at 1:46 pm

      Most ladies dont feel secured about themselves in the sense that,they think lots of men are the same but they are not..marriage is a life bond but not a do or die affair as someone i used say. In my own view,there is more to it and all it requires is commitment. Put in your best and surely get rest.

    • Fola

      April 29, 2012 at 12:06 am

      I wish there was a like button for this. ON POINT !

    • Bibi

      May 14, 2012 at 5:58 am

      word!!! nyc one

  4. damojo

    April 18, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Toolz! Toolz!! Toolz!!! How many times did i yell ur name??? Okay oh

  5. christy

    April 18, 2012 at 11:06 am

    BN has come up again wit anoda heartbreaking writeup!

  6. iya oloja

    April 18, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Clapping out loud!…u’ve spoken my mind exactly!…i really don’t understand people who think marriage is the ultimate…yes,its important but it shouldn’t become a do or die affair…i am so shocked at the responses to your tweet…SMH

  7. Gidi

    April 18, 2012 at 11:07 am

    If marriage is the most important goal in a woman’s life, i guess it should be same for the menfolk? After all why should the marriage be more important to the woman than the man? Even as a man such misogyny pulls my tits!! To believe that women are the worst culprits of such a mentality racks the mind.

    • Akudinobi

      April 20, 2012 at 3:02 am

      IMO, Marriage = More balanced family. More balanced family = More stable kids. More stable kids = A better society. It’s not just our society, it’s nature. I think scientists call it the propagation of the species.
      Historically, the younger the woman, the more babies she can have. That’s why younger women are usually under more pressure. A lot of what we do as humans is tied to self preservation or/and the continuation of our species.
      We are mostly average in every sense, so the idea of a right man is just a state of mind, because your right man is probably just another average Joe. Hollywood is confusing people.

  8. Ima

    April 18, 2012 at 11:08 am

    You took the words right out of my mouth! The pressure for young women to get married at all costs is saddening. What is most saddening though, is that a lot of women base their worth on their marital status. I am proudly and happily single, and with every passing day, I am achieving more and more of my personal goals. Yes, I do want to get married someday. But until i meet the right one, I REFUSE to let anyone pressure me into settling for a marriage in which I could be miserable for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, I’ll continue to develop myself to be the best I can be, not just for myself, but for him, when we eventually meet, and for the lovely kids we will have.

  9. Silent observer

    April 18, 2012 at 11:08 am

    This is the sort of thinking that has women trapped in marriages they hate and one of the major reasons divorce rates are on the rise. One should marry when they find the right one. We all pray this happens as soon as possible but if it doesn’t do you then go with the first one who asks? I am turning 31 next month and have just broken up with a man I dated for a few months. He his eager to marry me but there are red flags showing incompatibility and I just knew it wouldn’t work. It was hard to break it off and go back to saying “there is no one for now” but I know I made the right decision. I want to do this once in my life, divorce is not my portion. If I’ve waited this long, I can’t be pressured into the wrong choice. I love love, can’t wait to be married…to the right one

  10. ms pretty

    April 18, 2012 at 11:11 am

    i tire o, marriage is so so over-rated and the rate @ which some guys murder their women, am beginning to think there’s something wrong wt us women, because these guys r taking advantage of situations around to deal wt their partners, must i be married to be a success story? d answer s NO, big rsepct for MO Abudu she can never go wrong n my eyes

    • Lady...

      April 19, 2012 at 2:15 am

      You do realize Mo Abudu has a husband right?

    • keke

      April 26, 2012 at 11:19 am

      exactly. Mo Abudu is so married. Get your facts right

    • tbn

      May 2, 2012 at 11:05 pm

      Mo was married, but is divorced or separated from her hubby now.

  11. Claus Von Stauffenberg

    April 18, 2012 at 11:12 am

    The height of a woman’s achievement is definitely not marriage!

    However, as you have pointed out, women themselves are their own worst enemies. In addition while traditional societies put a lot of pressure on women to get married, I think women are also too keen to succumb to that pressure.

    Personally, if I see an attractive woman that wants to get married, but hasn’t found the “right” person by her mid 30’s then I would either conclude that she has been exceptionally unlucky, is too picky, or has a character flaw that is fatal to relationships (that flaw could either be in the selection of a partner or in the actual relationship itself).

    Incidentally, I feel the same thing about men as well.

    Stable and healthy family structures that produce well rounded children continue to be the best foundation for a good society. While I don’t believe that anyone should be castigated for not getting married or having a family, I do believe that women (and men) should continue to be lauded for producing such family structures.

    I actually sympathise with the points of view that you’ve raised, however my main concern is that we do not downplay the power of successful families and the strength required and kudos that should be given to a woman (or man) that is able to maintain such.

    • Eme

      April 18, 2012 at 5:50 pm

      Very well said.
      I am of the opinion that one is better of married than remaining single.
      The problem we young ones have is that we believe marriage is all about “butterflies in your tummy” and the “perfect man”. That is cliche, marriage is a choice and a commitment that requires a conscious effort. No matter how in love you are at first, at some point the love you exhibit comes from understanding that the ball is in your court.
      I loved the book: the five languages of love…please read if you can

  12. bola

    April 18, 2012 at 11:12 am

    marriage is an important step in life as you have said and women are not the only ones who are questioned about their marital status when they get to a certain age so i think this question should not be one-sided. Sure it is important to end up with Mr/Mrs right but the problems people have with their marriages these days are deeper than the mere assumption that they ended up with the wrong person. For me the height of any man or woman’s achievement is when he/she has it all, in the sense that they achieved both at home (that is marriage and children) and outside (career or calling). Women especially have to succeed in both to be termed a complete success in my own opinion but the same way I think a housewife could have done more but still respect her choices is the same way I think a career woman could have done more with her life but I also respect her choices.

  13. angel eyes

    April 18, 2012 at 11:14 am

    awwww…toolz dearie,i ve always admired you mostly because like me,u re a big, bold n sexy lady n u re not afraid to flaunt it…nice article from you dear…..i am turning 27 dis year, i have a fiance, we are very much in love with each other and we re really planning about spending the rest of our lives together… but we still get bugged wit questions like “when are we coming to eat rice now?”, “you guys should do quick o” ,” we re waiting for you guys o “etc and its soo annoying because even my unmarried friends say that to me….people fail to realise that marriage isnt sumtin u can just rush into, apart from meeting the right person and falling in love, marriage involves planning, and i mean financially most importantly, if u re not ready in all aspects, then u shldnt go into it cos of pressure from family and friends……a friend of mine recently confided in me that she is being pressured by home to bring a man home and she’s only 23…imagine that…i also have a friend who is already 27 ans doesnt even have a boyfriend let alone a fiance, people do say all kinds of things to her and i really do pity her alot cus i can imagine the kinda pressure she must be facing…well, i strongly believe in marriag and cant wait to get married to my fiance and i also believe that every woman should have a man to call her own…..but if you havent found the right person, please take your time and dont pay attention to what people are saying….toolz dear, i pray that God will give you a wonderful and loving man very soon..

  14. rita howard

    April 18, 2012 at 11:14 am

    i dont tink there is anything wrg if u decide to adopt instead of being under a man.its ur choice if u decide to be single for the rest of ur life.waiting is the best option now instead of entering a marriage where the man will beat u,cheat on u ,pour u acid or even kill you…be patient wen it comes to marriage and Gods time is always the best.also make sure u dnt seat down and wait for a man that has not said anything concerning marriage and u have been with him for yrs.please define what u have and pray b4 u say “I DO”

  15. SplittingIssues

    April 18, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Don’t be too surprised by the negative responses you got. We’ve been brainwashed to believe that a woman is incomplete if she’s unmarried even if she marries a brute, a beast or a boor! Why do you think the cases of domestic violence are on the rise instead of diminishing? Because people will rather be maimed or dead than leave a marriage.
    We have a duty to teach ourselves, our sisters, nieces, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, friends self-love and self-worth. Marriage will not provide any of these, marriage will not take you to heaven, it will not buy you a car, get you a job, a promotion, heck, even children are not guaranteed in a marriage! Until we understand that marriage should be the legal binding of an already existing metaphysical and divine connection between two people, there will always be people who will seek to find fulfilment and wholeness in another.
    Women, find satisfaction and fulfilment in your God and yourselves then you will be in the right place to make the right decision about the right man or else you will spend your life trying to make the wrong man right and trust me, it will NEVER work.!

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 18, 2012 at 2:46 pm

      @ spillingissues, Sorry can I just say marriage does buy a car, buy a house and buy a baby too i.e. surrogacy is on the rise and IVF. Ofcourse you have to be married to a wealthy partner or have another means of making money. I agree MARRIAGE cannot take you to heaven nothing will or can apart from the salvation of GOD. SO for some of us, marriage can provide these and more pending on their intentions.

      Just thought I add that bit. PEOPLE MARRY FOR DIFFERENT REASONS and some precisely to end up with better financial prospects…..

  16. Ajoke

    April 18, 2012 at 11:17 am

    This was awesome, you are awesome Toolz 🙂

  17. OGO

    April 18, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Marriage was ordained by God but we tend to forget that and instead of seeking him and waiting for the right one, we usually help God and do as we will just becos of pressure from family and society… Marriage does not define u as a woman! Its one of d numerous blessings from God for us, women to get married but it shld always be “in his time”… Today, the devil has used the desperation of women getting married to spread his evil schemes and ideas ..remember,the devil uses two things, the lust of d flesh and the pride of life…marriage is one of d pride of life he is using to deceive us.. We shld not give in to dis…. Whether 30 or 50, when God says it will be, it surely will be….is time is always the best!!! Xoxo

  18. lorenz

    April 18, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Spread the word!!! love and compatibility should be the main reasons. if they are both missing, then there’s no need. You’re 30 or 35, it really doesnt matter. Every 1 has a soul mate(or even more than 1 sef). when u see him, u’ll just know; and he’ll also know. personally, i even think a woman is more beautiful when she’s past 30. Theres that confidence and poise that comes with being older. U no go see the gra-gra of those younger Personally

  19. just me

    April 18, 2012 at 11:20 am

    nice one..it’s hard most times to really see things this way.

  20. simi

    April 18, 2012 at 11:21 am

    well said my sister!!

  21. Ud

    April 18, 2012 at 11:22 am

    In my opinion marriage is not everything, there is more to marriage than just a wedding but these days family, peers, married friends seem to make such a big deal about it. Achieving one’s personal set goal is important and marriage should be complimentary not a standard on its own.

  22. MIss tee

    April 18, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Beautiful write up….marriage is not compulsory,if u don’t marry your friend,u are better off single…..my husband is my friend and that is the only thing keeping us……honestly speaking,marriage can be like prison for a woman even when the man is ur best of friends….men are needy beings and would not allow u achieve a lot….sometimes I wish I was single so I could do stuff without thinking of the kitchen……so my advice don’t rush into marriage,take ur time ,have fun, achieve most of what u need to…….note……MARRIAGE IS A lOVELY PRISON……

    • feran

      April 18, 2012 at 6:39 pm

      OK….Let’s just clear something up! I have been married for 5 years, and i say categorically, marriage is not a prison if you marry ur best friend. Like every relationship it’s a give and take situation and comes with its challenges.
      As for toolz article, i agree that there is more to a woman than being married and woman are themselves the cause of such terrible and unnecessary scrutiny. I hate the way we limit ourselves as woman by rules that have no basis. Live your life to the fullest whether married or single, it YOURS after all.

  23. Chy

    April 18, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Funny,when you are not married you get all the…u must get married ooh and all the people around you have marriage on their brains…when u now marry…they start again…endure ooh that is how it is….if no gree u comot…is it not just slap at least he did not wound you…and you find yourself hearing all sorts of married people horror stories which were scarce when you were not still single for the more philosophical ones: Well they never change so find ways to make urself happy and cope…..blah blah blah….U go go girl define the rules ur self and live it…nobody has the right to define what anyone’s ultimate achievement is in life , u define it, u live it…if marriage is your own by all means marry…if marriage is number 5 on the list by all means let it be…from my own experience single hood was awesome, marriage slightly over rated…

  24. uche

    April 18, 2012 at 11:24 am

    This is really wonderful and inspiring. I really feel like giving you a hug right now. 😀

  25. KLODYN

    April 18, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Diffrent strokes for diffrent folks.So far as you are happy where you are and not anxious about anything.

  26. PD

    April 18, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Story of my life……………..i dont go home again sef..all mummy talks abt is marriage……i tire……but am loving my singledom right now………..Gods time is the best….aint rusthing into a commitment that would make my life miserable.

    • yemigirl

      September 26, 2012 at 6:19 pm

      That is the problem. The pressure I find is coming from family members who are hell bent on making you feel of less value because you do not have a mate. The Yoruba culture I feel amplifies this.

  27. JennyO

    April 18, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Haba, Its not ooo. I got married at 30 in 2010 and just had my baby. At 26, i was so afraid and desperate that led men broke my heart nd dumped me. i chilled for like 2years plus forgot abt marriage till i met my love. I just had my baby, its all great but like my mom will always say ” ur career is ur 1st husband”. what if the Mr “right” doesn’t show up? Abeg ahead ahead jare. My friend elder sis got married at 45 and God saved her with 3kids now. Life is funny, One advice is don’t rush/jump BC of pressure.
    My one cent.

  28. Stephanie

    April 18, 2012 at 11:34 am

    WOw at the replies to that tweet. just goes to show how shortsighted and narrowminded some women are. good write up. Marriage isnt the ultimate thing. theres more to life. no point marrying the wrong person just cuz u want 2 b happy n then years down the line u end up divorced , single and miserable. whats the point of rushin?it dsnt make sense. but its sad, alot of nigerian girls/women are sooooooooo narrowminded and they think marriage is what makes a woman. what an underdeveloped nation. its nt always rosey. trust me i have married friends and i know for sure that marriage can either make you or break you so u had better be taking ur time wen making that sorta decision. those replies really break my heart. poor poor women. totali clueless!

  29. chykaolive

    April 18, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Ok….didn’t know this Article was a fall out of ToolZo’s tweet, hence my sending her this link asking her to retweet. However, Our society esp Nigeria is full of malicious hypocritical peanut heads (for lack of better words) I wish I knew the person that made the comment above….I would take out time to watch her/his marriage and then I will send in my findings. What is Marriage for starters? Does your life start and end with it? Is that all there is to this life and existence? Where is the Medal, Pultizer, Award for being married and who gives it out? My very good friend is married, has children,has all she wants in this life materially but she is far from being happy ….she says Chika, this is not Life!, I want to go out there, get back and feel tired from doing something else other than answering MRS………
    Don’t get me wrong guys, if u have found ur better half and u will be hapy with him/her, go ahead but then if the reverse is the case for you, pls put ur time and effort into something else and attain that self actualization, cos the truth is we will all get married someday but it is left for you to decide when and why you are married!!!!!!!

  30. Teju

    April 18, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Nigerians really nid 2 get Deir acts right getting married to me is nt a priority my career comes first. Although i want to get married bt if I don’t meet the right person I won’t die waiting or searching 4 him.

  31. Toinlicious

    April 18, 2012 at 11:39 am

    I say do whatever rocks your boat.

  32. Rhecks

    April 18, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Great article Toolz! I agree with you on every point and I think that the earlier women realized that there is a lot more to life, living and loving than marriage the better for them. I am a 30 year old woman and I must confess that when I was much younger between 24-28, I eagerly wished above anything else to be married before clocking thirty but as time went on, with all sorts of horrid stories about failed marriages, wicked and impatient husbands, I learnt how to be patient and to love myself more. I also began to place more priority on making the best of my career and to God be the glory, I am on the right track today. I believe I will marry at the right time to the right guy and will not in any way bow to societal pressures or pressure from my parents. Toolz, kindly disregard such hateful comments from those followers and keep on doing what you know how to do best.

  33. Priscy

    April 18, 2012 at 11:45 am

    I think a woman”s worth does not solely lie on being married. If u have goals in ur life just go ahead and try to achieve it. Marriage is not something u should rush into irrespective of ur age. Ladies especially start to feel intimidated when they are over 30 and most of their friends are already married. But it is also good that as a lady, u should observe urself and make sure u have a good character and a wife material so that men can be attracted to. Be patient and wait for God to bless u with your own husband.

  34. Ayesha

    April 18, 2012 at 11:45 am

    good job my dear…..

  35. fueks

    April 18, 2012 at 11:54 am

    this marriage issue has become a thorn in my flesh especially since im the only girl after 7 boys in my house…when i turned 30 my oldest brother said to me,” if u turn up to the maternity ward at this age to give birth, the nurses would ask uwhere have u been madam”…i was never one to be in a hurry to marry but when i turned 30 i started getting the itch,and now i feel am mentally and spritually ready to embark on the path to marital bliss although i dont enter every relationship thinking he’s the one. still taking my time, i dont want to enter something i cant finish:it doesnt help matters that good men are hard to find in lagos and even harder honest men.

  36. fola

    April 18, 2012 at 11:55 am

    marriage is a means to an end not an end in itself.

  37. Austine Da Whizchap

    April 18, 2012 at 11:58 am

  38. Seun

    April 18, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Tools, you are absolutely correct.

    ‘The height of a woman’s achievements in life is NOT marriage”.

    However, marriage is a tool/support/an aid. When you get to the point where you understand that marriage is not your no 1 priority in life, then i can confidently say that when you do get married, you will be nothing short of a happily married Proverbs 31 woman.

    Hang in there, real love will surely find you.

    and for those malicious tweets, most of those women are just angry, bitter liars who dont even have happy marriages.

  39. Berrie bebe

    April 18, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Nice write up Toolz……….Marriage shldn’t be the ultimate achievement for a woman,but dis is Africa!!am nt married yet and am nt gonna rush into it……..shikena

  40. Ready

    April 18, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    I miss posts like this, especially from Glory Edozien. I wanna avoid same ol’ same ol’ discussions, but as I’ve achieved some things, I find that this marriage thing keeps coming up.
    Firstly, if we dig further, these women’s perspective comes not only from culture, but arguably from religion. Let’s face facts, in the major Holy Books, a woman’s mission in life is to find a man she’ll submit to, bear children, and spend her life serving both and the church. This notion of feminine achievements and liberation from age-old male domination kind of clashes with what we’ve been taught for centuries.
    My mother cringes when I tell her my life’s mission is not marriage…I wanna get married, but more than that I wanna impact the world positively and find happiness through companions. Needless to say, she prays on this everyday.
    I think that women who say marriage comes before personal achievements only say so either because in their minds, they can’t achieve much by themselves or they haven’t taken time to discover themselves. I think men accord more respect to women who can do for themselves, and who’ll be able to hold the fort if the ish hits the fan. Knowing this, I definitely want to be proud of my life before including another person in it.

    • SplittingIssues

      April 18, 2012 at 12:21 pm

      Beautiful! I wish I read this years ago! I’m so glad that more people are coming to this realisation; it gives me hope that the coming generation would do better. Bless

    • Partyrider

      April 18, 2012 at 4:35 pm

      Well said

    • mama

      May 4, 2012 at 4:05 pm

      You aint definitely thinking about the bible as one of the bible……it never mentions anywhere that a woman who is not married cannot fulfil destiny…..people who think marriage is the ultimate and must be entered into at all cost cannot premise their reasoning on the bible. If it comes good and u are meant to be a helpmate for your own husband…on judgement day u will be judged as an individual and what u did with ur life here on earth not by who u married too…….our ultimate goals as humans is to worship God, and as men or women if u do get into the marriage union he has roles he has assigned to both genders based on his plan at creation….God sets the standards not traditions of men which most times are biased towards the female gender

  41. Titi

    April 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Marriage is very important to some while to others, it is not. For me, i believe i have to live a fulfilled life and making money is part of that life. Yes i want to get married but i am mighty scared of ‘forever’. Marriage is therefore not my ultimate goal but it is simply a part of the things i plan on achieving. Lol….

    I love my independence so much that my boyfrnd tells me dt he sometimes look at me as d kind of woman who will achieve all she wants to achieve n remain single. Hahahahahahahhahahahahaaa!!!!

    All i am trying to say is Imma make money n if i get married, good n fine… If not, still good n fine.

  42. Enough Jor!

    April 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Abegi! I am tired of all this write ups about not being married and waiting for the right one blah blah blah! If you wan marry, go marry. If you wan wait, continue to de wait but JUST KEEP AWAY FROM THE HUSBANDS OF THOSE WHO DECIDED TO GET MARRIED. ah no be your life? KINI BIG DEAL. I was here thinking this was one sweet gist sef.
    Personally, I think if a woman is of marriageable age and she is not yet married, not because she doesn’t want to but because she hasn’t found the right person despite making herself available, then something isn’t right somewhere. I can’t tell you what that might be but please consult your friends and family to see maybe there is something you might be missing.
    Some women with several options of men keep saying they haven’t found the right one. Dear, the right for you might not be on this planet then.
    Many keep saying they want a man that has at least 80% of what they like! please allow me to laugh through all the openings in my body. You are not the only one. You and half of lagos is fishing for a handful of those men which most likely means he is taken.
    Pick a man that has at least 60% of the things you like and 30% of the things you can work with him on. the other 10% is a gray area that you will have to tolerate or learn to overlook for the rest of your marriage. I do not care how perfect your husband is, marital problems will arise! so biko em, you need to rearrange your tactics jor. Stop sleeping with married men whom other women have spent their sweat on to increase their percentage to the point you now fancy them. Go and get your own small percentage and work to increase it to the level you want, so a part of him will always feel embedded to you. Toolz, you with all that bakasi and fine face they talk about not having found the right? since I don’t know your character, I wouldn’t comment much but dear try changing your circle maybe that might help.

    • Moji

      April 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

      Why didn’t you train your husband to be ‘unsnatchable’ as well?

      Is it not your husband that should avoid temptation?

    • Enough Jor!

      April 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      As if I for miss that part !

    • Bolanle

      April 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

      what has sleeping with other peoples husbands got to do with the article?!?!!?

    • Enough Jor!

      April 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm

      Come to Nigeria and you will see the connection between some single women and other peoples husbands.

    • simi

      April 18, 2012 at 1:01 pm

      What about men?? Shouldn’t you tell them to stop cheating too?? Marriage is not a game! It is really hard work and I personally feel if a woman has not found the guy yet there is NO PROBLEM with that!!! After all it is so hard these days to find a guy who is not constantly cheating! This is not just a women thing it is a man thing too!!!!

    • Enough Jor!

      April 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

      The article was written by a woman addressing issues that women face as per marriage that is why my respond was about us women. Cheating is not something anybody in a committed relationship should do be it man or woman.

    • Gbemi

      May 22, 2012 at 1:18 pm

      I am tired of all this, “ALL men cheat”, “It is hard to find a man who doesn’t cheat”. Fact is, yes a lot of men cheat but equally, there are also a lot of men who DON’T cheat. I personally feel low self esteem of lack of patience causes girls to tell themselves that. Marriage is NOT a game neither is it by force and lots of women (though not all) suspect or know their men cheat before they say I Do but choose to accept that nonsense telling themselves the same old all men crap. I’m sorry but if lots of women took out their time to be patient instead of putting all this unnecessary marriage pressure on themselves, it will be a totally different game. Marriage is not easy and requires work but cheating should NOT be amongst the list to contend with. The reason why divorce and marital unhappiness is so rampant is because of the silly pressure and rushing instead of waiting on finding your friend and the one who you are “compatibile” with.

    • Gidi

      April 18, 2012 at 1:14 pm

      You get mouth die!!

    • benue

      April 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

      the truth is bitter…..

    • Diva

      April 18, 2012 at 2:08 pm

      Sounds bitter to me!!!!! Passing judgment are we???? I think you might be one of those ppl that left negative tweets on her page .

    • Lagosian

      April 18, 2012 at 2:09 pm

      Thank you for this comment my sister. you hit the nail on the head.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 18, 2012 at 2:55 pm

      @Enough jor, i find ur comment hilarious lol…….

      I guess there some interesting points.

    • 32nd man

      April 18, 2012 at 5:57 pm

      Ultimately, we are all responsible for our actions. So, if a woman “snatches” your husband, it’s because he wants to be snatched.

    • Browngyrl

      April 19, 2012 at 4:52 pm

      so apparently, all the good men are taken all the rest of single women should settle for barely there. When were these so called good men being handed out that they missed the boat. That was such an ignorant statement that you made. Where are the eligible men to get married too? Most of them are full of crap and i know women who have taken a chance of the less than good enough guys that should be settled for? Guess what, they are no better, most of them are actually worse and think they are the sh*t when they should be kissing the women’s feet.
      Also, when did cheating become part of the discussion. So basically, it’s single women’s fault again that married men cheat??? Another ignorant statement. About you go educate men on being faithful and keeping their pants up.

  43. Catherine

    April 18, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    I personally believe that there is nothing wrong with marriage being a womans ultimate goal, at the same time I don’t believe it should be used to measure her worth as a success or failure. We are all tuned to do different things in life, that you have a wonderful career doesn’t make you better than the woman who chooses to be a home maker. We should learn to live and let live. I had a great career by anyone’s standards but decided to quit my job so I can be a full time mom, and I am very fulfilled , but I can’t advice everyone to do that because for some women that is not enough, I know this doesn’t make me better than them. I saw a fall out tweet yesterday that said “any woman who’s sole goal in life is to be married has something seriously wrong with her” and all I could think to myself is why? By all means do what makes you happy and fulfils you, if marriage is part of that go ahead, if it’s not it’s perfectly ok.

  44. Mary

    April 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    You’ll be shocked!
    This marriage talk is making me deaf and honestly, the more I hear it, the more “eye rolling” people get from me. If you take a closer look into their eyes and actually listen to what they’re not saying, they’re shouting at the top of their voices, ” TOOLZ, I ENVY YOU!” They wish to be released from their prison.
    I’m not saying people are not enjoying theirs. I’m saying it takes a lot of maturity and hardwork to make it work. We’re too superficial and run at the first sign of trouble, and at 25, I’m still thankful that my “near-marriage” failed. I definitely wasn’t ready. There was too much work to do on my mind.
    Besides, I don’t recall where the Bible says we should be married at age so-so or you’ll not be admitted into the “institution” or it will close down indefinitely!
    There’s definitely more to life than marriage; and the more I see statistics of who’s getting divorced, who’s being unfaithful, who’s getting battered, who’s getting killed, etc, the more I know I need to take my time because honestly, nobody will be there to see you through all that…God forbid that it happens!
    All round maturity is the way to go o because like you said, there’s not a Mr. Perfect, just Mr.-Right-For-You, while you also take the time to work on yourself, praying for wisdom and patience!
    Abeg, summary: My dear, marriage is a very spiritual matter (not a fashion trend or accessory), and cannot be handled physically – and we don’t age in that world!
    Let the married stay married and let us enjoy our singlehood o.
    God doesn’t own a ROLEX and He doesn’t need us to keep time for HIM!!!

  45. Austine Da Whizchap

    April 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    He eventually mentioned his bride…..lol!

  46. Moji

    April 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Why didn’t you train your husband to be ‘unsnatchable’ as well?

    Is it not your husband that should avoid temptation? So you have a ‘snatchable’ husband? na wa o.

    • annie

      April 18, 2012 at 2:24 pm

      What type of foolish comment is this? Msccheeewww!!!&^#@@#$

  47. Nonnie

    April 18, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    ToolzO, great write up!!*bear hugs*.The day I put “Marriage is not the highest attainment of human success” as my status on bb, I was crucified. I’m currently not in talking terms with some of my contacts cos they said i’m bad company. Unfortunately, the society in which we find ourselves, expects a female to get married on completion of her tertiary education. Its just soo sad. I love my singlehood at the moment, and when the time is right, I’d settle down. So my family members should stop taking panadol for me even when there’s no headache.

  48. Esepearl

    April 18, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    For me Marriage isnt what u rush into, you need to take out time to know ur partner in n out,there is nothing as sweet as getting married to ur best friend, a man that will stand bside you tru thick n thin, a man that will encourage u to excel with ur career , support you with prayers wen thing aint going on fine, a man that will playfully tease you where ever whenever a man that sees the best in you even wen others sees the worse in you . so aint going to rush into any pressure of settling down for marriage with just any man.

  49. Bolanle

    April 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Love is patient, Love is kind……….. so wait for the time to be right. Remember love is not just about feeling its also about action. You will never find mister right, or mister perfect; rather mister compatible or mister right for me.

    You will never know your husband fully before marriage as in a marriage you learn new things everyday. but while dating/courting you need to find out enough about that person that you can say yes i can accept this and build a foundation. whatever else i find out along the way i will have to find ways to accept or deal. the same way you will have bad/good habits so will he.

    Take your time, this is coming from someone who is 28 and not yet married. I agree 100% with your article, i know God has a plan for me. So right about now i am planning to be successful in my singleness until God gives me a marriage which I can be successful in!x

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 18, 2012 at 2:59 pm

      @Bolanle… amazing response.

  50. Wunmi

    April 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Great article. This is African mentality that i cannot stand!!! A lot of women get married (especially in Nigeria) because they are soo caught up about what society says about them if they are 1. not married before they are 30, 2. If a single woman lives by herself. Marriage is not all that life is about!!! When you are rushed or pressured you end up making the wrong choice. A man finds a woman, the woman chooses if he is the right on for her.

    I also find that the churches push marriage too much and people end up marrying the wrong person because they make it sound like that is what our goal in life is. How many times can you hear a sermon on marriage??
    How many stories have we heard of late about some husbands abusing and even killing their wives? I would rather find the right person for me than marry mr wrong. Sometime mr wrong can cost you your life.

  51. woman of God

    April 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Marriage is a good thing but one shouldn’t be pressured into going into it at the wrong time. While waiting for the right person and time, the most important thing is to keep developing oneself to be the right woman for that right man. That’s the only thing that will make the wait worth ones while

  52. Me2me

    April 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    I am not married but the one thing i’ll say is. Girlz pls stop deceiving yourselves with all dis “what century are we in”.

    Even Toolz u sef wan marry as much as I do but i can say the only common factor is that we want to be happy in our marriage, and trust me not many pple are. But as the last writer said, most single girlz concentrate of destroying someones home instead of trying to find one they will build.

    In all, a man or a woman can never think of marriage when their priority/personal success in life is not marriage, but those whose priorities are marriage are long married. Mine has been to find myself and once I do I believe everything will fall into place

  53. Aibee

    April 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Tools, you just spoke my mind. I’m 27 and tired of the ‘when are you getting married’ questions. Been dating a guy for 1 year now. Now we are at the meet the extended family stage. I know in my heart of hearts that we are not compatible, yet I still remain with him. Why? Because I believe our issues will be sorted out with time. Foolish Me!

    • Wunmi

      April 18, 2012 at 2:20 pm

      If you are already questioning if he is the right person for you maybe you should go any further in the relationship< saves both your time.

  54. damojo

    April 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    All these ‘marriage is not compulsory’ people, have u been married before? Get a man/woman of your dream and you will see every reason why. Msccheeewwww, they almost make me wanna postpone my wedding….

    • Wunmi

      April 18, 2012 at 2:28 pm

      If you are already questioning if he is the right person for you maybe you should go any further in the relationship< saves both your time.

      I'm not saying marriage is not compulsory. Its the pressure to get married before a certain age(e.g 30). Life is not all about being married. The pressure is too much

  55. Adeolu Adesiyakan

    April 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    People have different opinions to marriage. I agree with your philosophy towards marriage, not allowing anyone put one under any pressure, the essence of marriage is too be happy not just getting married for the sake of it. I am a guy facing the same situation and strongly believe its better to be late and happy than to be in a haste and live an unhappy life for the rest of one’s life. In reference to the comments, everyone has his or her own beliefs, so i guess its okay as long as it has worked for them. like the lady that believes that a lady must be married or at least have a child out of wedlock by the time she clocks thirty, its what she believes in,maybe it has worked for her. The bottom line in all this is finding happiness in one’s choice of a life partner. Your doing just fine Toolz, and may GOD direct you to the man you seek.

  56. Opsi

    April 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    I agree with @Enough Jor! on some points like “KEEP AWAY FROM THE HUSBANDS OF THOSE WHO DECIDED TO GET MARRIED” and checking oneself from time to time to confirm that one is not focusing on material possession. If one is in right standing and the right partner hasn’t come, still wait and commit it to God.

  57. Priscy

    April 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I think a woman”s worth does not solely lie on being married. If u have goals in ur life just go ahead and try to achieve it. Marriage is not something u should rush into irrespective of ur age. Ladies especially start to feel intimidated when they are over 30 and most of their friends are already married. But it is also good that as a lady, u should observe urself and make sure u have a good character and a wife material so that men can be attracted to u. Be patient and wait for God to bless u with your own husband.

  58. Tr

    April 18, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    i just can’t believe those responses u got on twitter.seriously?!!!i was just havin the same conversation with a friend yesterday about how stupid some people’s views are on marriage.like it’s the biggest achievement ever.& if u think differently people say its because u r not married.when will people understand that marriage might simply not be a priority for some people?!

  59. heeba

    April 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Nice one Toolz .Ladies please MARRIAGE is not the ulitimate.God is and if u allow marriage to be ur God u r on ur own. Take your time to find the right one wether that time is 20,30,40,50,and yes 60.n I am married but not fulfilled with my life i still yearn for God to give me fulfillment.

  60. prettylomo

    April 18, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    I totally agree with one of the comments above that waiting forever for the right man is no guarantee of having a blissful marriage. the truth is that Mr right that perfectly matches you today may turn out to be a monster in future , and the signs may not be there in the begining. is there really a Mr right? if yes, how do you know when you find one? every little thing that makes you conclude he is mr right may no longer be there in the next 5 or 10 yrs. i know of a couple who were match made. the lady was actually forced to marry the man, whom she felt was no good for her, they kept having serious issues in the early yrs of their marriage, but later on, they came to understand each other and today, they are the happiest couple around, and many couples wish they are like them. My opinion: once you find a God fearing man with a good heart, go ahead and marry him, forget about any other thing, hand the rest over to God who instituted marriage, and he will sure see you through, and remember, even though it takes two to tango, only one partner can make a marriage work. Thank you!

  61. Jelly

    April 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    Toolz and every other single woman out there reserves the right to be either single or married. It’s an option if and when you get to the bridge.

  62. Fatimah

    April 18, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    “I kid you not, the groom spent the first 10 minutes talking about how grateful he was that he was able to get his visa so he could be here, blah blah blah.” *bulging eyes* seriously, wasn’t there one correct pesin there to give the guy sound abara or ifago.
    *******
    **sigh**, frankly, I am tired of these kind of articles; I probably wouldn’t have read it if the title was very specific on what to expect.

    Haven read it, let me add my two kobo:
    Why is it that articles like these, comments such as “I was not put on this earth to marry”, “I wasn’t born to get married’ etc are written and made by single women? if truly such statements are accepted as facts of life, why aren’t married women chorusing it?

    Let’s stop deceiving ourselves, every lady including you, Toolz has fantasies wrt Marriage. so, why bring up funny mantras because you have not been able to achieve something (yes, Marriage/the state of being married is an achievement whether you choose to accept it or not, ask your parents!). At least, save it (the mantra) for people harassing you about your marital status but never make an article out of it because we all know when you become happily married, you won’t be mouthing such in a long time.

    How do you even know for sure that’s not your main purpose for being in this world? of course, it might not be your own main goal but it might be God’s main purpose for bringing you to this Earth. Most people excel at different points in their lives and some well don’t.

    Would you argue that Mary’s main purpose was to give birth to Jesus? So, please stop validating nonsense, it’s never a one-size-fits-all, how do you know that your main purpose in this life is not be the mother to one of the greatest scientists, politicians etc, the wife that would propel her husband to be one of the greatest men, or that a husband is needed to propel you to far greater heights that you ever dreamed of ? if you don’t think that’s possible, then read “Think and Grow Rich” and see examples of men that became achievers because of the influence of their wives.

    If you have not achieved something you very well have the intention of doing, do not limit yourself with useless quotes and catchphrases, “I am working it’ even makes more sense!

    • SplittingIssues

      April 18, 2012 at 4:17 pm

      I beg to disagree on the point that certain comments are made by single women – read the replies again both married and unmarried women have expressed their views variously; in the main, most agree that marriage should not be rushed into and it should not be done simply because you are of a certain age.
      Secondly, I don’t believe Toolz was disparaging the institution of marriage neither were other posters, I believe the general idea of people who have not ‘achieved’ (if I may borrow your words) marriage is that it should not be a do-or-die affair so that you don’t end up ‘dying’, both literally and figuratively in it.
      Thirdly, God created us as multi-dimensional creatures – marriage is part of His plan, not all of it. Do you know how many people’s destinies are tied up because they are married to the wrong people all because I-must-marry-or-die/I-must-marry-by-30? Do you know that by tying up your destiny to the wrong person, you are tying up other people’s destinies who are connected to you?
      Just so you know, you don’t have to be married to be the mother of a great scientist – Mary was unmarried when she conceived Jesus… and I don’t believe Toolz was propagating a one-size-fits-all…she was just saying that she didn’t want to be pressured into being married for marriage’s sake.
      The fact that you’ve called her quotes and catchphrases ‘useless’ suggests a narrow-mindedness on your part. You are expressing your opinion just as she is…she used anecdotes to buttress her point but I didn’t see that she rubbished anyone’s desire to get married at whatever time and for whatever reason. She was expressing what a number of us believe – that we should not be judged any less human as women simply because we are not married…surely even you will agree with that won’t you.
      Or are you of the school that believe a woman, no matter how hard she has worked – establishing an orphanage, setting up a charity for the less privileged, rising to the very top of her profession by dint of hard work etc is of no value without a man?
      And while we are on the subject of ‘main purpose for being in this world’ you do know that God has the final say (for those who believe)? So before you decide that you must ‘marriage’, ask Him, Lord what do you want because trust me, if He has destined for you to marry at 35 and you rush off to marry at 25, 10 years of misery noni…

    • Fatimah

      April 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

      Oh dear… Trust people to miss the forest for the trees.

      If only, you weren’t in such a rush to reply, please next time read, digest, think and reply if necessary. i am sure if had done that, we wouldn’t be having this discussion but since you didn’t, let’s have it:

      @splittingissues, I believe I was very specific as to the kind of phrases,
      “Why is it that articles like these, comments such as “I was not put on this earth to marry”, “I wasn’t born to get married’ etc are written and made by single women? if truly such statements are accepted as facts of life, why aren’t married women chorusing it?
      how many married women do you see mouthing such? Nse recently said something similar in an interview, guess what? she is single! It’s a defensive mechanism by singles to ward off harassment/stave off embarassment.”
      I wasn’t talking about general comments such as “do not rush into marriage” blah, blah, blah.

      Secondly, can you kindly point out where I accused Toolz of disparaging the institution of marriage?

      Thirdly, Like I stated earlier,if you had read and understood my comment very well before rushing off to reply me, you would not have missed the repetitive use of the word “Might”:

      “How do you even know for sure that’s not your main purpose for being in this world? of course, it might not be your own main goal but it might be God’s main purpose for bringing you to this Earth. ”
      Therefore, dear SI, you can see I am not saying that marriage is all of God’s plan.

      And you are obviously missing the point behind the Mary illustration, Since you didn’t get my point, Let me explain properly, I only used the Mary example to illustrate that some people’s main purpose in life are tied to certain circumstances which could be having children, getting married or even having an accident. Please what else about Mary’s life touched the world, Is she the first virgin? No! So when people make such careless statements, I just shake my head and ask what makes you think that’s not your destiny? Do you know how many say “My main purpose in life is not have children”, how do they know? Imho, that’s tantamount to telling God that irrespective of His plans for you, you have made one for yourself that should not be tied to the very catalyst he has already predesigned. That staement is careless and useless!

      If you honestly believe God has the final say then we wouldn’t be having this convo because you would never support such a statement. Because anybody who believes God has the final say would not say confidently something you have no assurance of from God.

    • Chica

      April 18, 2012 at 4:49 pm

      I love your response Fatimah. It’ s important to get a full perspective, yours should be included in the equation.

    • BB

      April 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

      Thanks for your response Fatimah, you could have said it better!

    • omo

      April 18, 2012 at 4:53 pm

      well said

    • Adannaya

      April 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm

      Love your response. On point! yes, we shouldn’t rush into marriage, yada yada yada. It’s okay to be single. Heck, i’m single too. I just hate it when us single ladies try to deceive ourselves. You haven’t found the right one. All well and good! but i hate it when we make it seem like marriage is an “institution” from hell. Like all the ladies who are married are doomed for a lifetime of misery. Marriage IS an accomplishment. Now whether it’s accomplished at 18 or 40 is very subjective. I hear a lot of ladies saying, i’ll make my money first. I’ll accomplish this and that first. Almost makes me think that we single ladies have some deep issues. You’re not yet married oh but you’re already assuming that nothing else can be accomplished after marriage. Yall are already assuming that your man will be so terrible(hey, that’s what i get from alot the comments) that he won’t let you finish school, pursue your dreams, make money etc. That if you don’t achieve these things, he may not respect you or treat you right. The outcome of marriage has little to do with what you’ve accomplished. It’s all about character people! values people! You can wait to achieve heaven and earth first and still fail in marriage. It’s easy to say,” if marriage happens good, if not fine.” Trust me, you won’t be saying that at 40. Seriously! That’s when you will even know what misery is like. Abi you thought the married ones were the ones unhappy, wait till you clock 40 and still single. lol
      Really what i’m saying is that we should all work on ourselves while we’re single. There’s no need making silly excuses like we don’t all want to be married. Maybe not right now, but at some point we do so we better start working on ourselves and get rid of all these silly excuses we’re making.

      My response is based on some of the comments.

    • Fatimah

      April 18, 2012 at 6:41 pm

      Seriously, you took the rest of my comment out of my head (I no wan write too much epistle. lolz).

    • bettyB

      April 18, 2012 at 6:51 pm

      I do agree with most of your points. But i don’t think getting married is an achievement. Anyone can wake up and get married. Rather i think staying married is the achievement;whether 6months or 60 years. Having a successful marriage(the defination of this difers from person to person) is what should be strived for.

    • feran

      April 18, 2012 at 6:44 pm

      LOOOOL! Love your comment and agree with most of it.

  63. Yellow sissy

    April 18, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I am a young legal practitioner AND TRUST ME all those chatting bs about getting married before 30 NEED TO MAKE THEIR WAY TO FAMILY DIVISION HIGH COURT IN NIGERIA!!!! Hypocrites! The rate of divorce in Nigeria is alarming and yet a lot of people don’t want to face the truth! MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE! That is the SAD truth… I mean Paul in the bible did not get married… It is not a do or die thing people… If it works out for u good! Sm people r not lucky

    • beau

      April 18, 2012 at 10:08 pm

      Thank you very much dear. Don’t mind all these people that are making marriage their life mission and accomplishment. If that is u then God help u becos u are getting married for d wrong reasons and will quickly find urself part of the statistic that yellow sissy has been so kind to point out. Divorce is not God’s plan for us and we know that He hates divorce.
      My sisters ejo, biko, I beg u do not get married just becos u feel u have failed in life if u don’t! I repeat do not get married just becos d people around u think that u r a failure if u don’t whether before 30 or after. I am in my early thirties and would be getting married sometime this yr. For all my emotional, mental and spiritual maturity there are times when it takes all of these resources to get over the hurdles we encounter and not tell him to park well as we continue on our journey towards marital bliss! I love my soon to be husband very much otherwise I for just tell am make e carry go. I know without a doubt that we are meant for each other. This marriage business ain’t easy but once u get d hang of it, it’s definitely worth it and should be celebrated but please leave d singles alone to live a fulfilling life too and stop asking them when they will marry! Na dem be God? Abeg set them free biko.

  64. Partyrider

    April 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Tired of all this marriage articles…next please

  65. Pearl

    April 18, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    I’ve come to realise dat marriage is nt sumtin u shud rush into jes cuz erry1z doin it…..I bliv we r entitled to our own opinions…..marrige is more than the ‘i dosss’…..its d bginin of d rest of ur lyf n I think to go intoitution,it shud b wit d ryt person or else,u gonna be in regret for d rest of ur lyf….prayerfully seek ur spouse n until u’ve found ‘d ONE’ do not settle for less……rememba,u wnt b d only 1 to pay fo ur mistakes….. ur kids may ve to live wit trauma

  66. wumi

    April 18, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    As a human being,happiness ‎​and fulfillment should be everyone’s goal.if marriage is one of the milestones towards attaining your goals then so be it.I know one thing though,when u’re happy ‎​and fulfilled,u’ll hardly be intimidated,jealous or even feel the need to impress anyone. I admire ladies who are young ‎​and married because it takes a lot of work to take care of family ‎​and self however there are some out there who have chronic self esteem issues such that they see those who are single ‎​and are quick to judge ‎​and whip out the ‘but she’s not married’ card. Ladies,it just shows how fickle you are,single women don’t have it easy too. Let’s appreciate one another ‎​and stop this ‘I Am better than u cos I’m married’ attitude it only shows how insecure you are. I Am by no means saying its better to stay single or married,just be happy,that’s all that matters.

  67. Kenny

    April 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Ladies think they are the only one society pressures u guys will be so shocked that society pressure the men as well. I’ve had a number of friend’s men and women who continue to ask me the same question. Seriously, I rather remain single than settle for one looser or one Obiageli of a woman (Obiageli in Igbo Means come chop although, I no be Igbo man sha lol…) gone are those days. I’m seriously enjoying life as a single man least I have peace of mind and I also have the time to focus more on my career goals. Marriage good make una no get me wrong but I’m of the opinion that man or woman please wait for the right person and ultimately seek the face of God. For those successful ladies please take your time to make your choice of man because they’re so many men out there, who are goal getters they are just looking for ladies who have strive to climb the ladder to take advantage of same applies to the men as well. Make una shine una eyes well!!! Oooooo I don talk my own finish. One of my professor, who thought me in college, told us during one of his lecture that when you are looking for a job, u pray once but when it comes to a wife you pray three times daily because it is not easy to find the right partner when u are successful either as a man or a woman. I thought my professor was joking bc u know in those days in college as a dude I have so many chic’s and I said to myself, when the time comes, I will definitely pick one among these lot. Little did I know that I was deceiving myself today I’ve come to understand my professor. Anyway e go better for okro soup jare for the single men and women who still dey look make we no worry soon baba God go answer us with the right person because we no want shoe shiner for wify or hubby lol……
    Seriously, In my own opinion, I don’t think a woman success should be defined by marriage. If u find the right man cool if u don’t it’s still ok bc the most important thing is God, your career and your happiness. Make I rest my case ooooooo we go block later for ogbaaaaaaaaaa

  68. Cheeks

    April 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Toolz I echo your views completely. As much as I would love to meet a great guy and settle down. There is so much more to life. Let’s live, love, achieve, make a difference in the world.

  69. tolu

    April 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    like seriously,i dont really read blogs but tis one caught my attention and wow,what a write-up……..its an eye-opener

  70. Claus Von Stauffenberg

    April 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Let’s not get too carried away here. Women can and are being defined by a wide range of achievements other than their marriage/family.

    However, in practically all cases, when you ask a high achieving woman, with a family, what her biggest achievements and most important things in her life are, the family unit, or at least the children will always come top. I have seen it too many times to conclude otherwise.

    With regards to the family vs career question, we are seeing an increasing number of women being high achievers in both. I wouldn’t advise any woman to hold off on one in favour of the other as they are not mutually exclusive.

  71. detola

    April 18, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    though i’m not married,but i’m looking forward to getting married one day; the children,hubby,and the fun of moving around as one family.
    but……… we must not shy away from a happy married life that is usually hoped for.but i pray that every woman willing to get married gets a happy married life full of joy,happiness,and gladness of heart.ijn

  72. Deee

    April 18, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    I have come to realise that most of the women who push others towards marriage are fustrated and looking for people to join them! I have an aunt who comes to my house with all the bruises her husband just gave her and she then comes to tell me that she’s praying and fasting for me to marry! Lmao How w about you first pray and fast for your husband to stop punching you….hisss Any tells my Mum she wants to introduce me to a husband my mother tells them to please give me good buisness conacts too cos that’s just as important to her. I would love to get married but only when I find the one for me. If you are truly happy with your life it shouldn’t matter so much to you how I choose to live mine

  73. Purpleicious Babe

    April 18, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    Lool at BN commentators.. Ever soo funny..

    I get where the article is coming from and I understand the logical reasonsing behind it.
    FACT: our culture, religion and tradition play a key role in society and dictating our actions and sometimes it can be inevitable. I can honestly say that the concept concerning marriage is different for everyone and the ideologies surrounding it too.

    Marriage is a key aspect in our society and it is highly regarded as one of the ultimate decision one can make in life. For many of our parents, this is what they have seen and taught/influenced so it only makes sense that they will ask you and be worried the older you get (cos in their mind, the older you get, the less desirable you are). For instance, who will go into the market and buy old apples when they are new shiny ones. But, they don’t know bad apples can have a make over, through the power of cosmetics/surgery.. WHOPPP lol am joking.

    Some people are not into marriage, some others would rather focus on other things, some do not see the point of waiting. Whichever, the case, as a young Nigerian with some of the society embedded in me, I still make the mistake or the assumption to ask the older ones whats happening now and when they are tying the knot”. Now it can be turned into a fun thing or not. It is what is it. Our society is like that.

    I AM FOR MARRIAGE and I know it is one of many decisions God encourages us to do, the intentions behind is so deep, when God opens our eyes to see its beauty, its AMAZING. But our human nature as always ,are infused with various accountable and non accountable ideologies and mentality. This is why Paul advises strongly about our decision when it comes to life “everything in life is LAWFUL not everything is HELPFUL” Abeg it is not by force to be tied down.

    I also think that CAREER OR NO CAREER, GOALS OR NO GOALS, ACHIEVEMENTS OR NO ACHIEVEMENT, MARRIAGE OR NO MARRIAGE, CHILDREN OR NO CHILDREN. NAKED WE CAME, NAKED WE WILL RETURN.

    So my point is in as much as am for something, am very aware that EVERYTHING that we desire in this world ARE left in this world. SO why rush?? when you are leaving it all BEHIND FOR someone else use or gain. Store up your treasures in heaven so that thieves, bad belle, will not destroy it and that is where your heart is. I think. One more thing, Great Grand solo will tell you that VANITY UPON VANITY all nah WETIN A big chorus ALL NA VANITY.

    SOOOOOOOO. am done with my essay now.. lol.

    I am glad I have my bestie JESUS teaching me (we live on borrowed times).

    http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  74. koko

    April 18, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    am just 24 and im so scared cos d way tings are going…anyhow i pray for the best ….

  75. ToyinTomato

    April 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Kudos to “enough joor” you took everything right out of my mouth. A lot of u who go on about career being the most important, dont even have careers or the hopes of getting a career (bear in mind not every job is a career). As for those of u who say marriage is not top on ur list of priorities, you know u are lying right? And those of u waiting for Mr Right, i’m afraid you just might be waiting forever. As for those giving excuses around men that kill, beat and cheat their partners as a reason for waiting, as someone rightly mentioned here, there are no guarantees and you cant always detect these negative behaviours during courtship. Whether you think u r marrying your best friend or best love, there are simply no guarantees in marriage. Not every woman in a bad marriage today, jumped/rushed into it as a result of family or societal pressure. If you want to marry, go and marry. If you dont want to marry, go and sleep; just make sure you dont sleep with other pple’s husbands. If you like curse me, the truth hurts.

  76. sena

    April 18, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    mhn this is a good write up i am a 22 year old and i am already under pressure to get married just because i have a masters degree. its is so painful that marriage seen as the ultimate.

  77. SplittingIssues

    April 18, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    I beg to disagree on the point that certain comments are made by single women – read the replies again both married and unmarried women have expressed their views variously; in the main, most agree that marriage should not be rushed into and it should not be done simply because you are of a certain age.
    Secondly, I don’t believe Toolz was disparaging the institution of marriage neither were other posters, I believe the general idea of people who have not ‘achieved’ (if I may borrow your words) marriage is that it should not be a do-or-die affair so that you don’t end up ‘dying’, both literally and figuratively in it.
    Thirdly, God created us as multi-dimensional creatures – marriage is part of His plan, not all of it. Do you know how many people’s destinies are tied up because they are married to the wrong people all because I-must-marry-or-die/I-must-marry-by-30? Do you know that by tying up your destiny to the wrong person, you are tying up other people’s destinies who are connected to you?
    Just so you know, you don’t have to be married to be the mother of a great scientist – Mary was unmarried when she conceived Jesus… and I don’t believe Toolz was propagating a one-size-fits-all…she was just saying that she didn’t want to be pressured into being married for marriage’s sake.
    The fact that you’ve called her quotes and catchphrases ‘useless’ suggests a narrow-mindedness on your part. You are expressing your opinion just as she is…she used anecdotes to buttress her point but I didn’t see that she rubbished anyone’s desire to get married at whatever time and for whatever reason. She was expressing what a number of us believe – that we should not be judged any less human as women simply because we are not married…surely even you will agree with that won’t you?
    Or are you of the school that believe a woman, no matter how hard she has worked – establishing an orphanage, setting up a charity for the less privileged, rising to the very top of her profession by dint of hard work etc is of no value without a man?
    And while we are on the subject of ‘main purpose for being in this world’ you do know that God has the final say (for those who believe)? So before you decide that you must achieve ‘marriage’, ask Him, Lord what do you want? Because trust me, if He has destined for you to marry at 35 and you rush off to marry at 25, 10 years of misery noni…

    • kiki

      April 18, 2012 at 6:50 pm

      GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!

  78. bodecatalyst

    April 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    This marriage matter na wa ooooooooooooo, haba. Marriage no be by force o.

    However, if you intend to get married in life, please note the following.

    1. Spirituality is a must for every successful endeavour, put God first.
    2. There is no such thing as a perfect man or woman. Be ready, because you’ll continue to discover new things about your spouse all through your life.
    3. Life expectancy in Nigeria, according to United Nation’s Human Development Report, is 48.4 years. So no time for dulling. This is the wiki age, be quick and smart at all you want to achieve in life.
    4. Marriage institution no be beans o. It comes with challenges and you have to be prepared to work it out.
    5. Give exactly what you want in return.
    6. Please do not date married men, even for all the crude oil in the Niger Delta. What goes around comes around.
    7. For Ladies, please reduce your “shakara”, Pride goes before a fall. Many of you have embarrassed you’re supposed soul mates in the past because of “levels”.
    8. Put up a smile always. Even though many men mistake it for a sure “green light”.
    9. Radiate love and happiness always. Remember the law of attraction.
    10. Finally, if you do all of these without result, consult a man of God for deliverance.

  79. iceking

    April 18, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    Ladies be truthful to urself,fine marriage isn’t a do or die affair,but every good thin in Life should be worked towards,many gurls claim to be patiently waiting for Mr Right,yet U see them dating 4 to 5 married men,and yet its no big deal to them.How will the Mr right come,when U go abt showing U re a woman of easy virtue.anoda thing is ladies are too picky,so at the end of the day the right guys have been dropped for that rich married handsome guy,but my own advise is this even if U won’t get married or enter into the so called marriage prison,pls think of child bearing for continuity,afterall u re a career woman and can afford to train a child.pls marriage is not the piority acheivement of a woman,just hav a child atleast and be responsible enough to keep ur virtue as a woman

  80. omo

    April 18, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    am about turning 30,and doing well also in my career and i fit perfectly well into the scenerio you have potrayed.Every body i come in contact with now pratically ask me if or when am getting married,my dad sent me a gift through a family friend with a note attarched reminding me that am not getting younger(so i guess the gift was just to percify me because he knows the note would be troubling).am christian and i have come to understand that why our ultimate success is attarched to marriage its because that was the major purpose for which God created a woman(to be a help mate to a Man) and every other thing secondary,so no matter how high we fly,if we are not helping a man achieve his own purpose we have failed in ours too.
    From my own little research,it is better to wait(even thou its so challenging in our society)than rush into a prison of regrets.i had a saying from a woman i look up to once”if you are 35 and think you are old and get married to a wrong person,think of how long you are going to leave on earth(an average of 90)less 35 and you have 55yrs of sorrows/regreats”.i use this to encourage myself,while i try to improve myself and make sure i am always of a good character and fit for the”right man”when he comes.P.S:Not forgeting that our destinies are different.

  81. bodecatalyst

    April 18, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    This marriage matter na wa ooooooooooooo, haba. Marriage no be by force o.

    However, if you intend to get married in life, please note the following.

    1. Spirituality is a must for every successful endeavour, put God first.
    2. There is no such thing as a perfect man or woman. Be ready, because you’ll continue to discover new things about your spouse all through your life.
    3. Life expectancy in Nigeria, according to United Nation’s Human Development Report, is 48.4 years. So no time for dulling. This is the wiki age, be quick and smart at all you want to achieve in life.
    4. Marriage institution no be beans o. It comes with challenges and you have to be prepared to work it out.
    5. Give exactly what you want in return.
    6. Please do not date married men, even for all the crude oil in the Niger Delta. What goes around comes around.
    7. For Ladies, please reduce your “shakara”, Pride goes before a fall. Many of you have embarrassed you’re supposed soul mates in the past because of “levels”.
    8. Put up a smile always. Even though many men mistake it for a sure “green light”.
    9. Radiate love and happiness always. Remember the law of attraction.
    10. Finally, if you do all of these without result, consult a man of God for deliverance.
    [email protected]

  82. FIDELIA

    April 18, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    HAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA………WOMEN WILL ALWAYS BE WOMEN,I SO EXPECTED THESE COMMENTS.TO EACH HER OWN. I BELIEVE ITS A PERSONAL THING BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY BE IT GETTING MARRIED BEFORE OR AFTER 30,IF YOU WANNA BE PICKY GOOD AND FINE.NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ANOTHER ON THEIR CHOICES.EVEN THE GIRLS FOLLOWING MARRIED MEN. #JUSTSAYING

  83. Tolu

    April 18, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Used to believe it all buh I have reservations about some parts. Its all good though. Pray God leads you.

  84. loma

    April 18, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    “I had to mentally restrain myself from head-butting him right in the middle of the wedding! After several calming breaths, I explained to him that I wasn’t married because I hadn’t found the right one yet..” ..I can definitely relating to this feeling…lol

  85. omo

    April 18, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    well said,but most married women would have written out their own aticles with the woes of marriage if given the opportunity.unfutunatly that freedom is not available in our society.

  86. Gimmer

    April 18, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    i know a friend who hasn’t spoken with her parents in 7 months. her mom reported her to me, and i asked her why? her reason “they are ashamed that i am not married adn despite my ivy league graduate degrees and prestigious career with a top 10 world ranked corporation, they go around lying to people that i am still in school that’s why i am not yet married”

    Needless to say i was conflicted….yeah it’s sad when you have to make excuses for why your well accomplished daughter isn’t married.

  87. ihuoma ken ohiorenoya

    April 18, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Gidi,Enough jor and Fatima,you have said it all.

    http://creamycravings.blogspot.com

  88. WomenBeREAL!

    April 18, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    HONESTLY Women be REAL WITH YOURSELVES! i AM SOOOO over these convos of “OH, I am all good all by myself, even though I’m not married at 30” BULLSHIT!

    If you’re not married at 30, what were you doing with MEN at 20, 21, 22, –> 30?

    ABEGGGIII!!

    LEMME hear word!
    Marriage is GOOD and IMPORTANT and a part of life and evolution.

    This your career you keep talking about, after you’re gone, you think someone else CAN’T do what you’ve done? IS THAT ALL YOU WANT YOUR LEGACY to be?

    This is the same as a MAN saying, why do I have to be the breadwinner of my family?

    BN I AM OOOOVEEER these bitter ass articles, women like to deceive themselves! Can we have ONE by a MARRIED WOMAN, about the JOYS OF MARRIAGE and being a GOOD wife?

    • bettyB

      April 18, 2012 at 6:46 pm

      If you are married, do write the article about being happily married. Marriage is good but it is not important to everybody. Some people are better being single than being in a marriage that brings them heartache.

    • Gimmer

      April 18, 2012 at 7:53 pm

      hahahah you sound like MRS is the only degree you ever accomplished! Congrats…

    • beau

      April 18, 2012 at 10:22 pm

      Babe cool down abegi. It’s people like u that make women loose their sense of worth. I am past thirty and still getting married, does that make me any less of a woman than any other married woman? Get off ur high horse pls. Will we all get married much less get married ‘early’? No.
      There are lots of reasons why things happen the way they do. Simply becos people are past thirty and not married, it does not mean they should be wiped off d face of d earth. And why is thirty d cut off point biko?

  89. xis

    April 18, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    marriage should be a compliment to ones life, not a crisis or burden to b carried. Wait till u r right or u meet he/she that completes u. don’t rush in or u will rush out

  90. WomenBeREAL!

    April 18, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    P.S I am sorry it is all these “I DONT NEED TO BE MARRIED TO VALIDATE MYSELF” SINGLE girls that GO AFTER MARRIED MEN!!!

    Sooo STOP SPREADING YOUR LIES!!!

    • kiki

      April 18, 2012 at 7:09 pm

      Your husband is obviously sleeping with someone else for you to be so bitter! smh

    • MizImani

      April 19, 2012 at 9:43 am

      Correction: Some of these girls dont go after the men its both ways all the time; men chase and the girls chase as well.
      We women need to learn to stick together and stop castigating our selves to make ourselves ffel better. U dont see a bunch of single guys spitefully teasing a married friend or vive versa. They have their opinions but dont rub it in others faces just to make themselves feel any better.

      The key to life is to be happy and successful in whatever endeavour you find your self in and yes along the way, every step is an accomplishment;
      u enter school, u stay in school, and you finish school. You get a job, you stay in the job without getting fired, you get promoted, u move up your career ladder, and you excell at it…these are all accomplishments along every step in life. So yes, getting married is an accomplishment, staying married is another, and being happy while ur at it is another great accomplishment.

      My own take is never say never, no hard ‘n fast rule to this life, be as open minded as possible cos u never know what’s around the corner cos mehn this life is full of suprises.
      For those who have marraige as one of their goals, kudos to u! For those who dont care, kudos to u! to each his own. Just dont make any1 make u feel bad for ur own personal choices and goals and dont allow any1 shove their belifs down u throat.

      I am always ready to ans any1 sha inasmuch as i want to make more money than i can spend (separate from my partner’s), I still want to be married and have a family and be the mest mom, and wife ever!! I work hard to achieve that and make sure i end up with a guy that helps me achieve all this…..i always say…to each his own!!

  91. oyinda

    April 18, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    This has always been my stance. A lot of people have never understood why marriage wasn’t the next goal after school. Like you have said there is no point rushing into something you will be in forever. The least we can do is take our time. My best quote for people who are on my case is “D Wedding Ring is d Smallest Handcuff ever made,Don’t be in a Hurry to wear one…Study ur Fellow Inmate well,& Sentence urself wisely!
    Thank you toolz. The right man is worth waiting for.

  92. Sunny

    April 18, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Toolz, I salute you for this article. PERIOD!

  93. mariinsky

    April 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Thanks for the article. I certainly understand the situations you have described. I am 31 and unmarried. My thoughts and reactions are a little different to yours though.

    I think everyone is entitled to their opinion on this issue. I also think the final decision should be based most importantly on the type of person that you are. We all grow into our own at different rates…some of us may never even grow into our own. It’s all about what point we are in life today. My point is that for those who feel that a woman has failed if she does not get married, that is how they have chosen to view their lives…as a failure. It’s their choice. Maybe they do not feel comfortable enough to take an independent stance. Or maybe taking their stances gives them comfort. Who knows? I think as long as you are comfortable in your choice, you will be fine.

    I try to remind myself this when I feel that people are harassing me for the same reason. I usually say thank you for your opinion, it is nice to know. After all, that’s what it is.

    For those who say marriage is the purpose of your life, I beg to disagree. I think our purpose in life is to derive joy and share that joy/happiness with those we love and care about. And we’re all different. Please let’s not set standards for every woman’s happiness. Let’s support each woman’s right to be happy in whatever way she chooses, without begrudging her choice.

  94. cherrywine

    April 18, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    A lot of women are in unfulfilled, abusive and disastrous relationships right now. But they are ‘definitely winning’ because unlike you who is successful, happy and driven, they have MRS in front of their name. This society makes me sick with the things we prize above other things. Marriage is an important institution but it is a race not a sprint. The whole getting married thing is all about the party to most people but after the ceremony, you have to live with your decisions. Choose wisely.

  95. chilly

    April 18, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    @ fatimah, why are you hating unnecessarily? No one is saying marriage isnt a good thing, hell toolz isnt even saying she doesnt wish to be married, the point of all this( the article and several others you claim to have been tired of reading is to encourage single ladies who are of marriageable age to NOT make a mistake of choosing the wrong partner because of pressure from family and society.if you are smart enough, you would realise that its quite difficult to find a married woman openly write an article about not rushing into marriage, or enjoy ur singleness etc, first off she’ll need to do that ANONYMOUSLY because its going to look bad for her, evryone will know she is unhappy in her marriage.you are among the category of women this article is focused on-the ones who think that marriage is your main purpose of being on earth, you need a renewal of mind.Nobody here is validating nonsense apart from you.And yes am married, am 26years old and have been married for almost two years now and i will tell you this i am UNHAPPY.am not going to blame anyone because at the end of the day I alone made that decision BUT i will say this, yes i was pressured into thinking that marriage was the next thing to do or according to you my greatest achievement!so here i am wishing i had stayed single.

    • Fatimah

      April 18, 2012 at 8:51 pm

      @chilly, Well, sorry to hear about your marriage but surely you are not letting you situation colour your assessment of my comment, are you? I am not hating, I am only providing a fresh perspective for a fuller and rounder discussion. Stop upholding yeye mantras, be true and sincere to yourself! You might want to read my reply to splittingissues. In case you missed it, I never said marriage is everyone’s greatest achievement, surely you must have noticed that I used the word ‘might’, Go and check.
      Age is not even an issue here, I know of people who ‘took their time’, married ‘late’ and are in your kind of situation. My dad has been married thrice now, you would think his third marriage would be near perfect (of course, he took his time, my immediate sibling is 14 years younger than me and my step mom was in her thirties when she married him), wouldn’t you? Well, they are not unhappy but still for all time taken…
      I am not advocating that people rush into marriage, all I am saying is if you are still working on it, just say so! Stop acting like it’s not a big deal to you when it obviously is.

    • Sansarai

      April 19, 2012 at 1:04 am

      Fatimah, I think you’re missing the point here. Toolz is not deceiving herself. She’s not acting as though marriage doesn’t mean anything to her. She very much wants to be married and she’s s said as much. What she doesn’t appreciate is the emphasis that society places on being married by an “acceptable” age. I mean so many people discriminate against unmarried women like they have some kind of shameful disease…it’s like if you’re not married at age 30, you should consider yourself a failure and just curl up and die. The coco of Toolz article is that yes, marriage is very important and we should all aspire to be married but we must not allow society to make getting married our sole purpose and goal in life. Furthermore, we should not allow our marital status to define us. Shikenan!

  96. bodecatalyst

    April 18, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    toolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. You have opened Pandora’s Box o. This has really gone to far

  97. thenigerianexperience

    April 18, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    As many people said, this topic again? wow…I was recently told my cut off mark should be 30, maybe 31…seriously?? cut off mark?? I dont think so!

  98. Gimmer

    April 18, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Wig off to the likes of Titi Arowowlo, Ogochi Ugochuwkuw et all who have all condoned all sorts at the expense of their lives just to remain MRS lagbaja,…the comments in this post will continue to remind men they can get away with anything….after all,we need them more than they need us. it is well!

  99. isee

    April 18, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    This is a personal decision and ppl shouldn’t get all judgy.As for those who feel single gals re the ones dating married men,u re kidding urself.Go to hotels and see what married women are doing.There is time for everyone,someppl marry early and some marry late.Someppl might neva marry, that is just life.In whatever situation you find yourself make the best of it.

    • SplittingIssues

      April 18, 2012 at 8:41 pm

      Cikena! Thank you. Women! We are our own worst enemies (and I’m not excusing myself). I know of quite a few married women that used to live on my street, when we were growing up, that were having affairs like no man’s business! They were married young though (in their ‘defence’) to much older men and I think when they came into their own, they decided to go after men their age. So, for people screaming at other women ‘snatching’ their husbands, look to husbands ‘snatching’ other people’s wives, men going off with girls/women they’re not married to etc…they’ll always be that in this life full of less-than-perfect humans…all the more reason we should take our time and look to God for guidance so that something that is supposed to add value to our lives becomes a battlefield for all ages producing offspring that have a warped view of marriage…
      Anyway, like most posters have said, to each her own…whatever you find peace doing, do…we will all give account at the end; God help us all to do what He has called us to do, married or not.

  100. Ehiaghe Okieimen

    April 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    I really want to appreciate you for throwing so much light on this issue. A lot of young talented women out there feel less than special because they either aren’t married or are not in a serious relationship. No matter how good natured or well behave they are, people always tend to judge them by their relationship status. I have been a victim of this for a while now and a wonder is it all about getting married? what happens behind close doors? I really wish that we women would stand up to these pressures and listen the voice inside us intend of the noise around us. There’s a difference between the man you settle for and the man you are meant for.

  101. Anonymouzly

    April 18, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Here’s the mistake a lot of people make…a marriage IS NOT THE SAME AS a wedding. The wedding day is an event and the marriage is something totally different. I have often heard people say that if love is blind, marriage causes your eyes to open. Yes, it is a joyful thing to plan a wedding and be the toast of all one’s female friends, male friends, family and well wishers but at the end of the day, when the wedding EVENT is over, then what happens? Everyone goes home and leaves the “poor” bride alone with a man that she’s married just because she felt the pressure to get married and plan a wedding.

    My honest advice to anyone here who is looking at the “30” clock and saying “I have only x years to go” is to stop and smell the roses. While marriage is good, it can also be hell on earth and then you’re stuck. Take your time, achieve the things you want to achieve as a woman and if in that process, you meet someone, then that’s great.

    The same advice goes to the men. Take your time and don’t marry because of her friends, her supposed societal class, her outward beauty or her skills in the kitchen. Marry her because you want to be with her in spite of all those things. You need to be so convinced about marrying her that even if she can’t cook, then that’s okay as long as she knows where to get good food from. It should be about the person and not about what she can do for you.

  102. AJ

    April 18, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    The reason why so many women are in ” unfulfilled, abusive and disastrous” relationship is because they were not patient enough to seek God about a very important decision/step in their life. No one is ever that marriage ready until God presents that right person destined for you, even at that when in the marriage there is still a lot of adjusting to do by the help of God. Bottom line is, to those who want to wait, please do so but do so prayerfully, trust me you will reap the rewards and benefits in that marriage. To those who do not think they were not put here on earth for that, fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion But really, do you trully know what you were put here on earth for? Some people are called to marry, some I can’t say, I am not God. Paul was a great servant of God and he was all for being single but yet he supported the marriage institution for many reasons. I have been married for quite a while and I can testify that it was one of the best decisions I allowed God to make for me. I have the peace of mind that I can always put everything that pertains to my life, marriage into the hands of God because I obeyed His will. So please my sisters, let that be your testimony, marriage is not a piece of cake, it takes team work. And when you make that decision make sure God is the center of it all.

    • beau

      April 18, 2012 at 11:32 pm

      100 Gbosas for you! You have hit the nail on the head with a sledgehammer. I think women need more sisters (and brothers too) to speak the truth about marriage and give the right counsel.The wedding is physical but marriage is a spiritual thing. Which is why we need to seek God’s direction before we do it, because if that man or woman is not the one for you then…
      People please be patient it ain’t easy but it can be done, for with God nothing shall be impossible.
      The point is not when but how well.

  103. Miss T

    April 18, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    Nothing to fuss about, just get married WHEN you want to, how you want to and to WHO you want to because you are the one going to be in the institution not the people who attended the wedding. I am graduating soon and every time my mum goes for a wedding she will call me to tell me how mine will be wonderful. To be honest I care less about marriage right now because I feel there are things to be done plus I am not mature enough. When I am ready I don’t want sum big wedding, I don’t even want a diamond ring, I just want life full of happiness. The stereotype is severe and it is causing unhappiness in peoples lives. Look now, people even go to borrow money for wedding lol, is it by force for it to be big. Happiness is key in life and Love is what we should be seeking.

  104. Tolani

    April 18, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    This was a wondeful article and I support your statement a 100%. I’m so glad to finally finally find someone who is of the exact opinion as I am. My question has always and always been “Did God create me, mould me, bless me with all these beautiful gifts and talents just so that I can be a wife and a mother, what almost every woman is on earth?”
    I believe there are so much greater plans for me and all I know is to follow God’s plans for my life and when he thinks it is right, it shall be right for me too. I’m still very young but seriously, I do not stress myself about the topic right now.
    I might start getting anxious when clocking 40, but a man is not there to complete my happiness, it is God that is.

    They say the 2nd worst thing after hell is a terrible marriage so biko, I’d rather be unmarried at 40, but know that I’m following God’s plan, than rushing into marriage at 25 and facing hell every day of my life.

  105. MyTwoCents

    April 18, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    LMAO @ some comments. I agree with toolz’s article. I think in Nigeria, there is alot of pressure to get married these days. The wedding posts on bella naija don’t help either.lol. I disagree that Toolz is implying that marriage is not important. From what I read, she is frustrated that her other, and (arguably) equally, important achievements e.g. a successful career, education et al are overshadowed by the fact that she is not married. I believe most people want to get married. I want to get married some day but I have been fortunate enough to hear alot of horror stories from many married women (and men). The fact is that there are not that many good men in Nigeria. Well it depends on what you define as “good.” For me its a God fearing man; who is my best friend; who is confident enough to not try to stifle my success/ambitions; who is faithful; and who has a goal in life; and who will not change/become arrogant if/when he makes money. For those who just want a rich lagos big boy that everyone thinks is a “catch”, there’s an endless supply.lol. Admittedly, women also have to play their part and ensure that they are the type of woman that a good man will want to marry. This is not to say that unmarried women are not good. A lot of women have met real idiots and wasted their time and have been lucky, in my opinion,, to not have married jerks. I’m only 22 so I may feel differently later but I think marriage is not the most important thing. I think what is important is that you are happy. If that includes marriage, then by all mean get married. What is pertinent is that you don’t rush into it for marriage sake. Marriage isn’t a pair of jeans you can slip off anytime. Shikena! Shii I just wrote an essay.lol

  106. winner

    April 18, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Same ‘ol same ‘ol same ‘ol I keep wondering why it is only single women that come up with these write ups… perhaps it is a ploy to cover up their loneliness or desire to get married.

  107. Ron

    April 18, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    One would think this sort of issue is over emphasised but i disagree when i see useless comments like the retweets Toolz got and some ive just read here especially as its from young women. I keep saying we women are our own problems.Please keep such articles coming since it seems some dullards cannot get it in their heads that being single at a certain age isn’t a disease! Evryone will get there in their own time. Its not a darn competition.

  108. Kemi

    April 18, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    This article is a little biased, I think waiting for God’s time for marriage is great but the real problem is the men. I know a lot of career oriented women that are well into their thirties but the men they meet are just not doing well career wise. Many are not making any money and the ladies want men with money. So my sister, you missed the boat, marriage is a good thing for a woman but women who have done well careerwise find it hard to find a good man.

    • Claus Von Stauffenberg

      April 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm

      In the age where we are striving towards more equal career opportunities for women, women must accept that one consequence is that they can’t all get a man who is doing better than them career wise.

      It’s just the way the arithmetic works. If successful men are willing to go with a woman who is less successful, but successful women are NOT willing to go with a guy who is less successful, then you will always have a shortfall of women who feel there are not enough men who meet their standard.

    • lorenz

      April 19, 2012 at 11:54 pm

      Now i’m beginning to see this from an economic perspective. nice, really nice.

  109. Kenny

    April 18, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    @Gimmer don’t get it twisted, in as much women need guys, guys also need women badly. The only reason most men don’t want to commit this is my opinion is bc we are unacessarily scared of that institution marraige for one simple reason that once one get married life will never be the same again.Once u get married as a dude, u can not hangout with the boys anymore like one use to. Women make una dey pray for us we need am ooooo me i don tire self.

  110. passing through

    April 18, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    1. only God can guarantee that the man you’re getting with is the right one so ladies pray.
    2. i have no problem with remaining single or not getting married. Like someone said Paul never married but I am sure Paul never fornicated. How many of us single women can say that we don’t sleep around?
    3. God help us

    • Gidi

      April 19, 2012 at 7:38 am

      That your number 2 na WAEC o!
      No just go there o!

  111. Jade82

    April 18, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    Nice write up Toolz…
    As you mentioned MARRIAGE it not the ultimate goal I agree 100%, but my advice to you is:
    1) With ur spare time achieve other goals and be prayerful, when God feels your ready he will give you urs.
    2) Do not let all this pressure that people give, force you into something that you are not fully prepared for. Marriage no be relationship of “I no do again” u have to sort out ur problems no 3rd party but GOD…..
    3) If you have too many Fake Female Friends…I repeat Fake Female Friends (FFF), keep them at elbow length because most of these friends give wrong advise but take your idea to better their own relationship that can or will lead to marriage. I have a few and I realized it, we women are our own ENEMY.
    4) Do not be caught up by my cutoff age to marry is 28, 29,30, 31, ……40. If it doesn’t happen within or before that age range what do you do?????
    5) Be patient and search within yourself “What and if there is anything Am doing wrong” and change it around.
    6) Another thing I always tell people is maybe this man is not in the same state with you, so pray for God to make you meet who he has prepared for you.

    I just got married at the age of 29….yes I had people asking when is it going to happen but one thing I learnt from my past is YOU cannot FORCE a man to marry you. I just worked on loving me more and kept my options open and fasted and prayed. It didn’t come easy; it came with the regular challenges you face in a relationship to make it work. I live in New York, but found love in Virginia….
    Just pray and remain patient, do not follow the crowd; if I was to follow this crowd I would have been married at age 25 and probably unhappy. I can say I have achieved most of what I want and will continue while am married……

    Truth is Toolz you will know when you’re ready for marriage because you will feel it, involve God in every step and u will be the one to stay or break it off especially if there are fishy moments of the relationship.

    • Rhecks

      April 24, 2012 at 3:29 pm

      NICE ONE GIRL!

  112. missoyi

    April 18, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    That was a smart and beautiful write up Toolz.
    Marriage is a wonderful journey with your partner in life, and it’s God’s gift. That’s why it is to be taken seriously and not just to please outsiders and family. However , being single enables you to grow emotionally and acheive things that you wouldn’t otherwise. That experience is quite handy when you enter marriage. Let’s not feel humiliated when we get one of those “aren’t u married yet?”

  113. princesszee

    April 18, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    @ Chilly, Fatimah is not hating, she’s only sayin d truth…don’t know y most single ladies are tryin to hide from this truth…I know a lot of single women out there who pretend to be fulfiled and satisfied without marriage,yet they weep behind close doors, prayin that God brings Mr available their way…am not sayin anyone should rush into marriage, all am sayin is gettin married and having kids should also be considered an achievement, YES I said it, u can quote me anywhere

  114. Blue ivy

    April 19, 2012 at 12:14 am

    I agree with “winner” o jare!
    Why is it only single ladies that say all this stories?? all of you that are commenting here, why is it that when pastor prays for husband, you all shout the loudest ‘amen!!!’??? ehn? why do you shout congrats on your BB for days when someone gets engaged??? It is simple, because it is a great achievement and a thing of joy which every woman should experience in her ripe age. Ladies like to deceive themselves… Lets face it, we all want to get married and for 98% of us women, it is at the top of our priority list! Any woman over 35 that is not married, should be concerned and that is the truth, the truth is bitter ladies!!!!!

    • okay

      April 19, 2012 at 6:47 pm

      but who are you to determine if something is wrong with someone cos they are not married at 35? what if she does not want to marry cos she just does not want to. the way not everyone can be a doctor, is the same way not everyone can be a “WIFE” or a “MOTHER”. OF course you can settle and be a mediocre/quack doctor or wife, but hey whatever rocks your boat..

      point is, to each their own. you are in no place to say/ordain what makes one happy. if they want to marry, fine, if they don’t want to, fine, it’s none of ur business.

  115. doppleganger

    April 19, 2012 at 12:17 am

    The most annoying time for me is when a family friend’s daughter who is around your age or younger is getting married…

    then your fone rings…

    its mama calling with pretext or wanting to say hello and a prayer for you…
    next thing you know, she’s going on about how you should lower your standard and stop fronting…

    but mama, its got nothing to do with pride, its just not that easy to find what is true…

    I know darling but open your eyes and let God direct you…

    I love my mama lol =D

    BTW you have sad friends toolz! loose em!

  116. remi

    April 19, 2012 at 12:37 am

    Everyone want to get married, my mother has been on my sister a**about her getting married she is 24. The wedding post on bellanaija not help either, im 18 and this post is an eye opener for me.

  117. Titi Johnson

    April 19, 2012 at 1:31 am

    Stop wasting your time discussing this subject to people who were mostly raised in a very patriarchal society/culture. You are just wasting your time. Know what you know for yourself and live your life…Each of us will live life with the consequences of the decisions we make, whether good or bad…

  118. Lady...

    April 19, 2012 at 2:26 am

    I totally agree with all you have said but I feel that we young people seem to think that we are going/need to find the perfect guy (consequence of all the romcoms that have jaded us) or the guy who already has everything going well for him as opposed to meeting a someone and growing with him. Also, waiting does not mean you’re going to get thing right guy for you, even though he might be the right guy and just do the wrong thing ( we Nigerian girls don’t help that problem a lot of the time)

  119. zaina

    April 19, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Truth is… wait!!! Let’s take it back to bible times… God thought it was not good for a man to be alone and that’s when Eve came into the picture. I believe marriage is to be a blessing not a trap…and since it is a “Forever thing” till death do us part. It is important that such a decision is not rushed into . In some societies, ladies who are not married from a certain age are looked down on while in other societies, married or not nobody cares.. Just do your thang… I advised that women pray to God and be patient as this is a for life issue and even though you will be married into his family… It’s YOU and HIM 4 LIFE. Nobody has the right to pressurize anyone most especially loved ones- family,friends etc as much as it is in their best interest to see you come out well.. For the married ones… You were not there to make the decision for them to marry so it shouldn’t b in your own case. I believe God has given women intelligence beyond even their own understanding..Use it and be wise…For each individual our ultimate goal is to reach heaven and after gaining all that wealth, education, luxury, fame, comfort… Marriage. Will these take us there? I advice every woman and man to join TRULY FAITHFUL ON FACEBOOK. IT’S GONNA BLOW YOUR MIND WHAT YOU FIND THERE…

  120. iamfascinating

    April 19, 2012 at 6:53 am

  121. Kiki miss blues

    April 19, 2012 at 8:37 am

    WOW!! My first time on this site and I am truly already impressed. Great post TOOLz!Dont be too surprised at the comments from female twitiots(twitter idiots). We live in a society where women are taught not to get raped rather than teaching men RAPE IS WRONG – ALWAYS! We live in a society that commends men within polygamous marriages, and shuns women when they are “without a man”. Most of West African Culture is still deep rooted in the inadequacy of the woman as an individual in her own right. In my generation we are seeing women steaming ahead with education, career, progress in so many other aspects of life, yet a woman unmarried is still . I am 29 and have just had to get out of a relationship that I knew would eventually only serve to drown me in frustration. It seemed to be going somewhere but to those with insight the destination was rather bleak. Now I find myself soon to be 30 and without a partner. I have gotten no shortage of admirers and offers since my relationship ended but have only interest in building my relationship with God at present and really want to have much needed “time out” to set myself on the right spirituality and career path before I invite someone else on the rest of my journey in this life. My family have done just as would be expected and pressured, and cussed, and talked and lectured about how ” I am being left behind by my peers” , how everyone is married , how i should have just had a baby with the ex. I mean seriously , some shockinly BAD BAD advice even from people I thought had my best interests. But like I have always known FEAR is man and woman’s greatest adversary. THings bourne out of fear are things that are NEVER GOOD! the only fear I endeavour to have is the FEAR OF GOD! nothing else. And if I can give any advice in your situation , understand that All these people are simply ACTING OUT OF FEAR! Their fear for you and for their own selves. Dont live your life in Fear. Rather embrace all that you ARE – WITHOUT A MAN, HUSBAND, CHILD! You are so many other things. THat YOU KNOW! Find your talents, your skills, your personal star. AND LIVE THAT! You are so much more than a baby making machine and a husband pleasing robot. I am not trying to take away from marriage (successful ones) and good stable family life. But the honest truth is that I have seen so FEW SUCCESSFUL marriages that is goes to show something’s got to give. Surely waiting for the “right one” and for a “sensible time” to get married is something we need to start taking more seriously. Buidling yourself up , skills wise, career wise, personality wise is something your future husband/partner will DEFINITELY benefit from , and vice versa. As I do my morning run, and practice my piano at weekends, I imagine and pray that my future man is also engaging in activities that will strengthen his character and health in order that he will be in GREAT Shape in all ways to feel “ready” when we finally met. Do not underestimate yourself as a woman. Do not underestimate your ability to be whole and LIVE life, truly embrace life as an INDIVIDUAL!

    • lilly

      April 20, 2012 at 12:53 am

      @kiki…GBAM!!! in fact i LOVE u even if i don’t even know…lol u just took my words outta my mouth. It is FEAR that make most of them act like this and make ladies rush into marriage. Honestly speaking i believe in marriage oh but i it’s all personal choice and sometimes things don’t work out the way we want it to. NOBODY should be pressurized into getting married and that you are in a certain age or you have to be a certain age DOESN’T mean either you have to rush into getting married.

      My conclusion: allow God to do His work. DON”T be God by choosing/ rushing into marriage. If you are married or soon to be married CONGRATS. If you are single like me DON’T STRESS about it. Wait for the “right one” and DON”T settle for less. just do the things you love to do and keep your head high. E le tu compo to join the “marriage wagon” cos of ur age and continue to seek God. Like Matt 6 vs.33 “SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND ALL OTHER THINGS (INCLUDING THE “ONE” FOR YOU) SHALL BE ADDED UNTO YOU” .

    • Franceskka

      April 21, 2012 at 12:34 pm

      fact

  122. Loveth

    April 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    I’m so with you Toolz. Marriage is great but Nigerians kill me with the way ‘marriage’ is glorified while there are some really crazy marriages out there (abuse, infidelity etc. are far too common amongst happily married people). Married ppl are always advising to just pick one-all men are this or that and noone is perfect so anyone will do *forreal?*
    Very few married people will be honest enough to admit that they married against what God was speaking into their hearts (marrying the wrong person, or getting married too young) because of societal pressure. People make it seem like its the ultimate goal.
    I was reading TW and there was a great feature on uncoventional beauty (as I interpreted it)..beautiful women but what stood out to me about BKWs article was how she had been married twice at 29 which is something many women her age had not even done once and in my head I was like ??? I mean yes she was addressing relationships but it seemed to me such an odd comment from a strong woman I admire for her career success, drive, confidence and tenacity. It struck me because shes not the first person who expressed that sentiment-yes, the other person was also Nigerian. Other cultures value marriage as well but we really take the cake. Having a successful marriage (success is open to interpretation) is something I do admire because I know it is not easy not to speak of balancing that marriage out with a successful career but getting married in of itself is not. I think it takes a lot of confidence and self awareness to make the right decision for you.

  123. wemimo

    April 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    that goat that said if a woman is not married and have children by 30 is not a woman but an idiat! so she dey talk say me i no be woman abi? am enjoying my singledom, have a wonderful career, loving family, cool friends and yes am happy and am a WOMAN!!!!!!

    • Gidi

      April 21, 2012 at 12:08 am

      By calling him/her a goat you have lot every respect to air a view point. Your are probably no worse than her/him.

    • Londoner

      May 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

      I recommend anger mgt for you Wemimo. I recollect someone had made such a comment about you in the past also.

  124. Nkemdaisy

    April 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Oh my!
    People are soo myopic in their thinking tho. So if a woman is of marriageable age, beautiful, well behaved, educated, has a good job and is not married, there must be something wrong with her. You guys forget that there are other factors that could come into play. Take for instance this blood group thing(AS) and the OSU thing in igbo land. I have a cousin who is 28, not like she is not desirable but she has been a victim of these issues at different times in her life. these are factors that are way beyond her control. If she had her way she would have been married long ago. So when you people see young ladies that are not married, don’t judge from a distance. everyone is fighting their own individual battles! That it worked for you earlier than some others doesn’t give you the right to talk down on someone else.

  125. Yemzee

    April 19, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Where on earth did God say I created you to get married and have children solely?
    Fellow women should pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease stop falling our hands.Toolz I wear the same shoes and I dont give a hoot .There is this saying in yoruba that says”Abani da , ma bani gbe be” Am I supposed to please friends and relatives all in the name of Marry and have children? Or please myself.What da F! What makes the one that is married better than me.Abeg make dem go sleep if they cant reason alike.Capish
    Welldone girl.You have really lifted my spirit.Please keep the write-up going

  126. Mana

    April 19, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Marriage isn’t the biggest achievement for a woman. But every woman should be married this is my own thaughts. I am married and have 2 wonderful kids. But I have totally different goals, I want to work on my carrer. If I had a daughter I will advice her to wait for the right one, the man who is like her bestfriend, a man who understands her feelings and who needs her best in life. For all the Single women out there I wish you the best, the best is yet to come!

  127. lorenz

    April 20, 2012 at 12:26 am

    God!! You are so hilarious. Come to think of it. how can u know how it feels when u havnt tried.

  128. dulcinia

    April 20, 2012 at 1:54 am

    i think its very sad that certain married women think that because some of us are single we are unhappy and spend all our time chasing thier stupid husbands-yes stupid-because they cant keep thier willies in thier pants!!! WHY women blame other women for thier husbands stupidity beats me.A HAPPILY married male friend of mine came to see me the other day and almost jumped into my blouse-when it was clear i wasnt the least bit interested -he boldy showed me pictures and messages on his bb of HAPPILY MARRIED women who were on his case for SEX…..he told me about women with children who had given him certain {job} in the elevator….please women-come on-marriage isnt a destination it is a route-noy everyone goes down that route-some of us have seen enough crap to keep us cautiously away till we are fairly certain we are certain.

    • Gidi

      April 21, 2012 at 12:06 am

      You will never be certain.

    • Eve

      May 11, 2013 at 2:16 am

      Gidi na you de police all the comment for here. More groundnut oil to your elbow!!!

  129. Ckcollier

    April 20, 2012 at 6:36 am

    I am sorry, some if these comments are funny. I think people see the word marriage and automatically associate it a personal experience of theirs. Ok instead of marriage, say companionship/partnership. Now tell me ladies, would u say you don’t want a companion? Because at the end of the day that is what all of this “marriage” talk is supposed to be about. No one wants to be alone.

  130. Nenny

    April 20, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Yep…It is not good for man (or woman) to be alone. Be real to yourself…how do you feel getting back to your empty house with no one to share your day’s joys and/or sorrows, with no pitter patter of baby feet everywhere? How do you feel when you cry and your pillow is your only witness to your tears? How do you feel when you attend the naming ceremony of your contemporaries’ children and then carry them in your arms? How do you feel when you remember you don’t have a man you can truly call your own?? Truth is…we all say what is trendy and good for the ears but we never search our hearts to speak the truth. Not everyone has a bad marriage, in fact, a lot of people are better off being married. So, be not deceived…It is not good for man (or woman) to be alone!

    • Sigh

      April 20, 2012 at 9:20 pm

      I will never understand most Nigerians and their mindset. Marraige is a beautiful institution for those who want it. However, If I am forced into marraige, I will be miserable. First of all, I don’t like sharing my space and privacy with others because I have grown weary of human beings period! People have put me through hell and back and I only started to enjoy genuine peace of mind and happiness when I started keeping most people at a distance and keeping mostly to myself. I enjoy reading, studying God’s word, watching movies and the likes. I hate talking when I am at home because my job requires that I do alot of talking while I am at work. When I come home exhusted, the last thing I desire is running after some ‘lil feets”. All I desire is to take a warm shower, eat, pray and then retire to bed. When it comes to narrating to someone how my day went, again, I don’t feel like talking when I am home. I even tell my friends and family members never to call me during the work week but rather, only call me on the weekend. On the weekend, I get to narrate to my friends how my work week went and that is more than sufficient for me. I hate to narrate daily what happened at work.

      As an introvert, I enjoy my own company more than that of any other. The constant company of another person causes me immense stress, I kid you not. I love coming home to a quiet and peaceful home. I love that I can cook when I want to and not have to enter the kitchen every blessed day even when I don’t feel like it. Besides, because I was sexually molested as a young girl in Nigeria before I even turned 12 years of age, I do NOT enjoy sex. That is what I get for allowing my parents to forcefully bring me back to Nigeria, a country where child molestation is the norm, and against my wish.

      Why should I sign my life away to a life of unhappiness just to please family and Nigerian society? How many men can stay faithful to their spouses anyways? Do I look like I want to contract STD? I am not the type to be forced into anything that will make me unhappy. I cannot and will not get married because I cannot subject my body to years of suffering because sex and marraige goes together. Luckily, God took me out of Nigeria right after secondary school to a country where people really do not give a toss about your marital status like its done in Nigeria. I might choose to adopt a kid or two in the future but that is about it.

      Furthermore, while Nigerians sit there and idolize marraige and turn it into their ‘god’, I will be worshipping my Jesus in spirit and in truth whilst preparing myself for the second coming of Christ. Marraige will not get me to heaven. We are living in the last days and I do not want to be caught unaware or left behind during the rapture because THAT will be the real tragedy!

      Lastly, if you married folks are so happily married, why do you folks gives a toss about singles? How does being single affect the price of fish in the market? Ever heared of live and let live? If you are so happy with your husband and kids, you should be too busy with your happily married life to even take note of what other people are doing with their lives or is there something you married folks are not telling us? Like, how you are pressured to get pregnant right after the wedding or the immense pressure to birth a male child or the constant pressure to please in-laws or the chronic cheating ways of most Nigerian and indeed African men. Misery loves company and that is why you married people can’t rest well at night knowing that some women were smart enough to choose a different route for their lives and are having absolutely no regrets!

    • lilly

      April 24, 2012 at 4:40 am

      @ sigh…CHEi!!!my dear i TOTALLY understand you. in fact at times i feel d way u do feel. I wish i knew you personally seriously. I have given my life to Christ and at my age i figured out d best thing is just to be Christ shikena!!

  131. Oyinade

    April 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Bella Naija, where is my comment?

  132. newbie

    April 20, 2012 at 11:41 pm

    This comment is a bit tangential, but, why do people refer to marriage as ‘AN ACHIEVEMENT?’ In my opinion, marriage is – at it’s worst- an event; at it’s best- a blessing. When you have put in the hardwork required to keep your marriage, then you can count it as an achievement. To my mind, unless you have plotted and schemed to get married, it ain’t an achievement.

  133. Jamce

    April 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Great people, great comments… It’s all good. For me marriage is as important to you as you want it to be. Even as a man, it is very disturbing how this marriage matter has been elevated to the level of “idolatry”. Agreed, God instituted marriage but I can’t find any Bible passage that says we must marry at all costs or we must marry at a particular age.

    I believe different people (men & women) have different reasons for wanting to get married or staying in marriages. From my little experience, the reasons range from the serious to the unserious. They are companionship, security/insecurity, economic/business, cultural/religious values, free legal & regular sex, procreation/family life, politics (Turai & daughters lol), status, ego, etc.

    Whichever your reason is, please know that there is a “price you must pay”. Every contract or covenant (marriage is a covenant) has rights and obligations on either side. You must give something to get something. No matter how we may disagree, some rights and obligations are already defined by nature. For instance, the “9 months burden” is on the woman and likewise the maternal care. It is difficult, if not impossible to change that. Some other rights and obligations are negotiable. For instance, “cooking/house keeping” and “sexual relationship” may be negotiable. As Sigh said, sex is like a no go area… So when the time comes and she decides to get married, that has to be discussed and agreed. A eunuch would be an ideal man for her… Lol.

    The summary is that it is your choice the scale of importance you place on marriage and when or to whom you want to get married. The “Russians” will have their own reward and the ” Cautious” will also have theirs. Whatever you get, please deal with it your own way. As you make your bed so you lie on it. Na so dem talk am. But as one commentator said “there are no guarantees”. All the theories, strategies and tactics cannot guarantee jack. The only Guarantor is God Almighty. Unfortunately, most of us have thrown away His original manual for marriage and we have now written our own or borrowed made in China manual. O matse o.

    For those women who claim that marriage is not important, please leave the married men alone naw…. I beg… Una hypocrisy too much… Una hate marriage but dey do “marriage” with married men. Ok Na dem come meet una abi? So u don turn “apply and approve”? Una no fit say NO?

  134. Paul

    April 21, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    @ All, its a waste of energy, time and resource deliberating on something that is not fruitful/productive.

    For every lady that does not want to marry, my sincere prayer is that God will bless you with all your heart desires and establish you.

    Having resolved the issue of those who are not willing, please can we put in more effort, advice, write ups for those who want to but things are not yet working for?

    1. Perfection is in heaven so if you think there is a perfect guy somewhere, the rapture will sound before you get one. Therefore erase that out of your mind

    2. God instituted marriage. If you want one, ask and seek His face for it. Let Him give you what He knows is best for you not all your list you wrote. Let The One who knows tomorrow pick for you not base your selection on what the guy has now.

    3. Learn and accept the fact that a guy and a babe has different backgrounds, different parental upbringing, went to different schools, different expositions THEREFORE, never expect him/her to be like you. Iron sharpeneth iron. The more you relate, communicate and stay with each other, the more you are able to allign yourselves.

    4. What do you really want? A spiritual guy or a social guy? Most ladies want fun and social life therefore go for a social guy but if you want a social life and also say you want a God fearing guy-you are complicating issues. These are two extremes and people who are in between are hard to come by.

    One of the reasons why couples are having problems is because sometimes, we desire a combination of two opposite/extreme things. If you are a church person, just marry a brother from the church and if you are a party person, just marry a guy you met at the party. Dont marry someone you see daily at the club house and expect him to be very committed and God fearing.

    Please dont complicate issues. Choose your kind of person. We are the ones responsible for our own problems. You marry someone so dedicated in church and you expect him to become a very social person overnight or viceversa-Please complications should be avoided by you

    5. What character do you possess? As you seek a good man with a good heart, please make sure you are one too. Evil begets evil and good begets good. Not preaching here, would have shown you a place in the bible where God told Ezekiel that see these people coming to you, i will answer them according to their heart desire and wish. Saul wasn’t God’s plan for Israel as a king, but God gave them cos its was their desire

    What i mean up there is that be the kind of person you want. God sees your heart and will just give you the kind of person you are. Therefore let us be a lady of virtue, accommodating ( you can put up behaviours when he is going out of bounds but initially be good), lets show a little kindness, not rude in our manner of communication, exhibit the fruits of the spirit-meekness, kindness, patience, don’t assume when you don’t have facts…

    6. Reciprocity – As the guy shows care, interest and love, please endeavour to show some too. Remember your partner is not a witch or wizard to see your heart, show it and express it. Most guys and girls have left their relationship cos they were of the opinion that he/she is not into him/her and she/he is into her/him. There is nothing wrong in getting some small gift/piece for your partner even when he/she does not expect it. This shows you care-please do

    7. Physical things. No one wants to suffer and no one will but please don’t base your relationship/marriage on physical things ALONE. Don’t forget the parable of the man who built his house on the rock and the one who did on the sand. Remember the outcome. If you have a very good source of income and he has too, nothing wrong in you people growing up together and helping each other since its companionship, but don’t send prospective good ones away because they are not yet made

    8. Display some maturity dear. If you read in between the lines, you will notice the tone and pitch from which I am composing this. Marriage and relationship is not for kids and babes, it is for matured people. Only in English that you have to cross the Ts and dot the Is. In relationship/marriage, maturity makes you look over some things. You don’t have to react on every single thing/incident .
    Proverbs 15:1 says a gentle answer turns away wrath-If he is angry, just be patient till he gets over it then you table yours (and vice versa). He may be wrong but maturity says you don’t shout when he is shouting as nothing will be achieved (and vice versa). It is a give and take- you must sacrifice something to have peace

    9 There is power in your tongue and word. Confess what you want. Don’t join the league of those who say marriage is hell; is full of problems; is a prison…. Go out every weekend, you will see couples having fun and enjoying their marriage. The unstable in mind cannot receive anything from God. God called the things that didn’t exist as if they were. Call your relationship and marriage exactly the way you want it and you will see it the way you said it. A thousand may fall at your side and ten thousand to your right but they will not come near you. Is seeing it and hearing of it mean it is your portion? Others may divorce but it is not your portion.

    10.Lastly, Have a very good altar for God where you take all the burdens and problems. A popular hymn says o what a pain we bear all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer. Really, its very rare to find people in relationships who pray together. Yes the devil is real and against anything good but the prayer of the righteous availeth much

    Be blessed friends
    With love

    • omada

      April 22, 2012 at 10:02 pm

      @Paul, God bless you for this. spoken like a truly mature person. 🙂

    • pretty

      April 23, 2012 at 4:24 pm

      waoooooooooh. Thank u so much Paul.

  135. Jamce

    April 21, 2012 at 10:40 pm

    @Paul, thumbs up. This can pass for the best relationship guide. Let him/her who has ears (eyes) let him/her hear (read) and abide. It seems to me that ladies often look for God fearing men not because they fear God themselves, but only for the purpose of having their men under “control”. The same ladies want the man to go clubbing and parties with them. Hypocrisy at its height. God can never be fooled thinking that they can eat their cake and have it.

    • Paul

      April 21, 2012 at 10:59 pm

      Thanks Jamce,
      With love.

  136. Wahl

    April 22, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    [email protected] accomplishment. Seems to me you’re still in the ‘selfish age’ range. Look, I get that if you haven’t found the right person, you definitely need to be a bit more patient, but don’t ring accomplishments and career into our ears as if we’re just jobless people walking around, hoping to achieve nothing besides getting married. Of course, not every man or woman will get married, but wanting people to overlook your marriage status and focus on your “achievement” would be impossible. It’s like asking the world to forget that racism exists.

  137. Jennie

    April 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Beauty is not a certification and mustn’t be a big reason for acceptance or denial.

  138. BB

    April 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

    No Doubt marriage isn’t the greatest accomplishment of a woman, however being married is ONE of the greatest thing a woman can achieve. Asides from religion (in Islam, a married person has accomplished half of his/her religion on earth, not sure what Christianity has on marriage) the feeling of content and having someone to share your other success or achievement with makes it worth while. if you ask Toolz today if she has the right man by her side and if marrying him wont feel like the greatest accomplishment. I am married and successful, still my husband and my son are my greatest price. Every other thing comes second.

  139. Cukka a.k.a bad boi emeritus

    April 23, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    like Edmun Burke clearly pointed out .. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that goodmen do nothing” . Having said that. I’ll however be short in my own view about the matter.
    WHERE WE ARE COMING FROM
    Ever since the days of old as clearly depicted in the african tradition, we were made to believe that women were “OBJECTS OF POSESSION” because a man prided in himself with howmany wives he had. His accomplishments were circumferenced around that and so .. in the abundance of six women to one man, women saw themselves an close rivals all because they wanted the “chief” or diokpa or maigida or mai-unguwa to love them the most. This confirms two things.–A WOMAN CRAVES FOR ATTENTION, AND CARE.
    As history began repeating and replicating in aging cycles, men began to wield undue force , pressure and maltreatment on the women. A man would marry by friday evening , without allowing the lady to rest and get her consent, he would SMUGGLE his manhood into her by virtually looking for the loose end of her wrapper. STEALING HER PRIDE

    NOW IN THE NEW CENTURY
    Can someone please tell these ladies shouting their fears in self defence that marriage is a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. Thats why celibacy is only an OPTION. If u”re calling marriage names., using adverbial phrases not found in websters dictionary to paint an institution GOD CREATED, then , you’re LOST in fear. YOU NEED COUNSELLING.
    MARRIAGE IS AN INSTITUTION , not a joint venture or a contract.

    LADIES
    God could not be everywhere, hence he created mothers—jewish proverb.
    Hear me ladies, Marriage is an HONOURABLE thing. but please don’t let DESPERATION drive you to mortgage your future hapoiness for instant pressured pleasure. If you have a friend, sister, mother or relations pressuring you to make a decision you re not aquainted with, delete their contacts and stay in touch with GOD permanently.
    You are a WOMAN, A VESSEL OF HONOUR, A PRICELESS PEARL, ANY MAN THAT FINDS YOU SHOULD RUN GAGA OUT OF EXCITEMENT COS HE HAS FOUND A GOOD THING.
    YOU WERE NOT CREATED TO BE TRUMPLED UPON.If u feel desperate enough to marry, why not take such desperations to God in Prayer,
    Finally ladies, see with your heart(GOD’s CONSCIOUSNESS IN YOU) not with your canal sight.
    THE MAN IN THE WAITING
    Please gentle lions, we know you had sixty girlfriends while in the University, We gisted and laughed at that girl that sold her fone to see you pay your school fees, you lambasted at her total obeisance, her honesty and her undefiled love, devoted attention to you.
    She was a diamond painted in dirth, hers was yours to purify and cherish,
    but as your guy’man nature and fleshy desires overtook our reasoning, you threw her away and another brother , from a far distant land, picked her up , washed her, and helped her become a better woman. and I see you each nite wishing to have her back.whossai! its lost and gone.
    You;re about repeating the same mistake with the girls in your church, office, class, association, club, cell fellowship and you think youre smart, You’ve raped a lady before but because of love, she forgave you. Please do Us some guys a favour, try and change.
    The world does not give the man who slept with his neighbours wife, daughter, etc a medal. Rather its a shame!, shame on your masculinity, shame on your body, shame on your conscience>
    We the guys are the weaker sex, not the woman. look at what we’ve caused the ladies, fear panic, distrust and unnecessary lust.

    to all women, do not give in to desperation, MR right may not come early, but God is never late.
    TO all LAdies out there.. My respect, to my mum, my support and care,,, to my future wife to be… my respect,.loyalty, love, commitment, passion, devotion and help to make her fulfil her dreams she once had as a single girl.

  140. ibe

    April 23, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Anyone interested in a “friends wiv benefits” r/ship. holla 21435A1C

  141. Chioma

    April 23, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    I laugh so hard when i hear young ladies come up with all manner of ideals on how they expect things should be.
    Nothing in life is as clear cut as that especially in the issue of marriage. BN, dont bother with that tweeting young lady who feels an unmarried woman at 30 is no longer a woman, she will soon repent of that submission. When you have been in the so-called marriage, done all the godly things you ought to do in marriage and some, the next question you’ll be asking yourself when its not working is, How Did I Get Here? You want out by all means but cant really do it because you are a christian woman. So what do you do? Trust me, since i speak from experience, you will pray as many times as the opportunity creates itself, to get out of (Should i really say wedlock?) the PRISON LOCK. Its that bad and thats why your married friends, while they dont want to discourage you from getting married, will be quick to tell you to take your time.
    Taking your time to get married is one of the best things you can do for yourself and dont be fooled into thinking you can change any man. Mba!!! What you see basically, is what you get.
    If you cant live with a character flaw now, dont expect it to change after marriage.
    Now while this works in both sexes, i speak as a woman when i say this, some men even go as far as hiding their true character. Patience tends to draw out those hidden character traits because as yoruba people will say “eefin ni iwa”. No matter how much a person tries to hide a bad character, patience will draw it out.
    I concur with you BN and i tell all the ladies out there, Take Your Time. IF YOU RUSH IN, YOU WILL DEFINITELY RUSH OUT.

  142. my beat

    April 23, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    @Fatimah & Gidi, rest ur case. They are saying marriage is not an accomplishment & that their career is all in all & that they are ”waiting on God”
    1) why do a lot of them sleep with married men? U’ll even be surprised that they do everything possible (taking fertility drugs) to get pregnant for these men.
    2) why are they quick to attend impartation services for singles? etc. Ladies are usually very good at ”forming”. Be true to urselves before God, nobody is saying u should jump into marriage but try to cultivate a positive approach to it, marriage is a very challenging institution but with great potentials collectively & individually with the right man. There’s freedom & prestige hanging out with ur hubby. Look on the benefits in it, dont settle for a frustrating lonely life with only daytime attention from married men

  143. CUKKA a.k.a badboi emeritus

    April 24, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    All I can say is that fatima, Gidi are all confused.
    Marriage like I chorused earlier on is an institution and not an issue of proprietary gambit. freedom for unlimited sex is what drives many youngsters into marriage meanwhile dats just a portion of it.
    A woman was meant to be a helper to to be heaped upon. Any lady that finds herself umnarried at a certain age should do a self appraisal to know where lies her faults.
    If you, the lady in the waiting thinks that being desperate is good enough, I beg you to take out a day and visit the law courts and see whats goin on.
    Just right in Guardian newspapers, I saw an advert for a surrogate mother, what does that tell you, it tell you that all is not rosy in marriage. Marriage is an engine, love is what oils the wheels. it can gring to a halt if not properly oiled.
    Yes! a woman can have a life of her own but there is this emptiness in her soul. The ability of a woman to find herself under an honourable roof’ is a climax that she is not loose’ as perceived in some cirles. It means that she can be assigned to handle some responsibilities. If not who do some jobs call for married folks?
    For those disparaging the marital institution, you are scared because you have lived a rough life and u don’t want another woman to handle your would be husband d wan you’ve done to some guys. So when u find yourself being scared, go back and chack ya conscience!

    • Fatimah

      April 25, 2012 at 10:47 am

      [email protected] cukka, read your gibberish again and tell me you are not confused by it all. freedom for unlimited sex is what drives many youngsters into marriage? Really? what manner of scrambled is your brain on? Phew! someone needs to have his smartcard re-inserted a la DSTV decoder!
      That being said, all these funny commenters using the name of Titi and Ugochukwu to justify their lifestyle choices, please stop disrespecting these women’s memories, you do not know them neither do you know their stories, so please STOP! they came into our consciousness when their husbands caused their deaths, but we do not know for sure how they met, how long they courted etc. So, please and please can you in the name of all that you hold dear and true let these young women have some peace? If we all used other people’s failures in life as excuses for not doing something, where would that leave us as individuals and as a nation? We won’t drive cars because someone just had an accident, we wouldn’t travel by air because of plane crash, we would not use gas because someone’s carelessness just got her house burnt etc.

  144. birdieblue

    April 25, 2012 at 7:08 am

    I thank God for the institution of marriage but at the same time I know God didn’t put me on earth to do only that. 1 corinthians 1 & 2 states :Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. If we go down to verse 6-9 it also sates: I say this as a concession, not as a command. But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.
    In the end its all about choice isn’t it. I want to get married one day but I won’t be forced down the aisle with someone that I have to marry so I don’t embarrass my folks by being single for a while. Toolz I love your article jare, even if its an “over flogged issue” but then again as far as there are young single men and women it’ll be a subject of discussion.. We were all created by God to glorify him whether single,married, old, young, so please as far as your not God to each his ownn cause I’m wonderfully made now as I would be when I’m married. Abi is there a place in the bible that states a woman is half made till she finds her other half?

  145. alexis

    April 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    I only have one thing to say to all that I have read here, for God’s goodness sake marraige is a choice not a must, let me ask a question if you don’t get married will one go to hell. I think people get married so that their will be a legitimate reason to have sex.

    2. Some have for kids.
    3. Some for security reasons, financial.
    4. For most, for marraiege sake.
    It takes two people to work a marraige but not in our society, I see alot of women being the only one working the marraiege they are so miserable and unhappy that I begin to wonder what is the use. Such women are adviced to take solace in their children, their jobs and what so ever, for me if the man is deliberatly sleeping around and telling me it is his right to disrespect me am walking. It is my life, is my choice. Any one who has a problem with that can trade places with a woman whose husband has infected with the HIV virus.

    Am single, am celibate and the truth is am not interested in marraige. To each his own if you can do it fine but bear one thing in mind it is just mere carnal and get ready to work hard, I mean both men and women.

    Are you up to it, for some that says that it is a woman’s fault that she is not married, how would you lots that said such nonsense to be 21 year old and be accused every single minute for cheating, be called a prostitute by an insecure small minded idiot.

    And you say it is my fault that the man has deep psychological issues or the one tht went to America and met up with his friends that had been in America 15 years before he arrived and then decided to become like them and used all his savings to go and acquire a jeep of 15,000 dollars, his credit card debt is in the of tune 55,000 dollars as of 5 years ago and I don’t know for now or is the one that set up his friend to try and seduce me to try my fidelity when I was 20 years old. So who is at fault me or this sick immature men. The truth is that I am not cut out to take the slack for any body man woman or child who has decided to be irresponsible when I mean that I don’t mean financially but immature in all ramification. When I observe some people who talk about marraige I see a lot of people who have this fleeting understanding of what it is both men and women, a lot of people see it status me I see it as deep commitment but the truth is who is ready to be deeply commited to that union, none. When most people around me are so shallow when it come to their realationship with Christ.

    It just so pathetic, as for the fellow whose whole existence is tied to the fact she must be married, sorry you have a long way to go in understanding that marraiege is no mean achievement none at all.

    You have no sense of self, your existence and self worth is tied to a man, pity.
    Life is short and I celebrate each day.

    Remain blessed.

  146. Eni

    April 25, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I am single and will be turning 25 end of next month
    Most of the people I meet always ask “are u married?” to which I’ll respond “no”. They’ll further ask “how come a beautiful girl like you is not married? “ Added to that, is my mum who is always calling me with news of ‘this person is getting married’ or ‘this person just gave birth’.
    I fear for myself because they make me feel I haven’t achieved anything in life and I’m beginning to believe them.
    Why so much pressure? I wish to get married, I really do. I know two heads are better than one. However, I need to be prepared for it and I do not think I’m ready yet. Would I be able to share my space and privacy with him? Can I be able to come home every day from work and cook for him? Would I be able to meet other wifely responsibilities that will be required of me? Will I have time to spend with my kids or do I need to be stay-at- home mom? If I choose to stay at home, will I feel actualized? When I was much younger I used to eavesdrop on older women’s gossip – “that one, her husband left her because she couldn’t take care of him”? Can I actually take care of a man?
    At almost 25, my responses to those questions (in my own assessment) show I’m not ready. In fact I will be a disaster. So what’s the pointing of getting married right now, when personally I know I can’t cope? Besides many people thing marriage is a means to an end, it’s only the beginning. I want to be happy and I need to make sure that I can contribute to making a happy marriage before embarking on it.
    I feel those who pressurize women into getting married should understand that marriage should be about being happy. Should a woman please her family only to remain miserable and unhappy her whole life? My answer is no!

  147. kayjay

    April 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Hmmm! indeed like you i am amazed that women still think in such light in this generation. that is why divorce cases in Nigeria keeps growing by the day. it only goes to show that most ladies rush into marriage just for flimsy excuses and then they later turn around and start saying if they had known. marriage is most definitely not the ultimate. it is just one of the things that we should do and not must do. Waiting for the right spouse is by far the best thing no matter what cos once you’re in you’re on your own.

  148. GIRLEY BABE

    April 26, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    If you think being single is an issue then try the angle of being a single mother. Due to pressure I married at age 24 and before one year,I was out. I have a child from that marriage and many years down the line, I pray for a partner. It is not good for a man/woman to be alone. Those are the words of God Himself. Being single can expose you to a lot of temptations and pressure especially in a society like ours and if you arent strongly rooted in God, can find yourself in some situations that you would not normally approve. It is good to be married and though good single men are scarce these dzys, keeping faith alive will help. I really want a companion, lover, husband and more children. I have a successful career and in my mid thirties now, I yearn for a man to complete me and make me feel like a woman.

  149. omalicha

    April 28, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Please you spoke well, ‘The height of a woman’s achievements in life is NOT marriage”. People all around the world were laughing at kim kardashian but at least she was brave enough to admit her mistake and move on and i applaud her.What will a Nigerian woman have done? cried in her husbands house till she died or even started cheating and disobeying Gods laws. Most infact all Nigerians make mockery of marital union are you kidding me. You will marry Friday(trad wedding) and Saturday ( white wedding) meanwhile by 11pm your so called husband has gone to rehab abi marquee and insomnia to start committing adultery yet you will call yourselves married. husband is with girlfriend, wife is with boyfriend but you claim to be married. Eeeepppsss Nigerian women wake up before you all get extinguished you buffons, get your education, get your jobs and get your own houses before going into a mans house if not you will just be another one of his achievements and not his equal. Marriage marriage yet you all cheat, lie and do the unspeakable. hissssss If you are not inlove, you dont trust him and your not ready DO NOT i repeat DO NOT DO IT!!! whats the worse they will say enn shameless woman, barren woman ennn thank you. All you shamefull and married women who cant let your husbands travel just from lagos to abuja without having heartache of leaving with his mistress. Right from secondary school days i thought it was just a phase but my GOD Nigerian men are useless, hopless and worthless and yes i am very much nigerian, 27 and single. So hate, insult and curse me out in the end im the happy and fulfilled one and your the ones running to plastic surgeons each month to fix your bruised faces. Ode oshis marriage ko marriage ni Thunder fire all of you who think women are baby making, cleaning machines. you shall not prevail.

    • yemigirl

      September 26, 2012 at 6:58 pm

      I cant believe you are a Nigerian girl because most of the ones I have met are in a perpetual trance of idiocy. You are definitely a women that knows who she is. May god provide the right partner for you

  150. Jamce

    April 28, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    @ GIRLEY BABE, nice that you are honest with your desire. Am sure a lot of good men like me would like to meet you if you give a lead on how to.

  151. Adaeze

    April 30, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Nice write up Bella! I love and appreciate Ur VIEWS… I believe the worth or dignity of a woman, should ‘come from without’, a manifestation of all good qualities / character -> achievement, what gives her joy and peace… not what leaves her juxtaposed and pressurised 🙂 worth is as pronounced (obvious) as a cause; we need to do away with sterotypes. The sign of good relationships / beautiful beginnings for couples is PEACE, not fear, worry, or hurry.

  152. Nawao

    April 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Really to those who doesn’t want to get married,it’s ur life.though I m married but I believe there is to much wahala on people that are not married,there is time for everything.I have a friend that is unmarried and she is even ready to sponsor the wedding so far a guy is ready,it’s our society that caused that.like most people said,marriage is not for everybody so far u are fulfilled in your life.me sha I cant trade my hubby and kids for anything in this world yeah we quarrel some times but who doesnt quarrel?but he is my soul mate,a good father and good hubby so I believe it’s better to be single than marry the wrong person cos of society

  153. Christiana

    April 30, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    Wow.some views.our mission on earth is 2 “make disciples of mean”- Mark 16:15. wats all dis bt marraige been a fulfillmn or 1’s missn. lets get dis straight!! We have so much potentials 2 gve 2 our world even as women so we cnt stand back and jst be pushd into a man’s house bcos we feel its vital……yes it is bt show me an accomplished woman and i’ll show u one who has IMPACTED LIVES wif that which she’s been endowed wif by Christ himself…….pls lets rethink nd even go back 2 God’s Word concernin us preferably in Proverbs even using Esther’s life as a case-study….she married d King wif a purpose…..2 liberate her pple.*with a mission*** not 2 make babies and fulfill customs & traditions!! pls we r Women Of Substance!! Halleluyah

  154. anita

    May 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    marriage come with a lot of responsebilty take your time you meet the right man at the right time . is not about be married is find that person that love you.

  155. DP

    May 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Marriage is an institution you never graduate from and created by God to favor those involved in it. It is not by force and not a fact of discouragement. I can only say I notice a cover up in the piece above but let everyone follow his or her heart because no two lives or relationship are the same.

  156. thisisEseosa

    May 13, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Honestly Marriage is not the ultimate goal in life. But it is a very important goal anyway.

  157. Jatropha

    May 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    One topic too many times. Is marriage the height of Women’s accomplishment?
    The answers is YES

    • licha

      June 11, 2012 at 7:52 am

      UMMM NO!! BACKWARDS THINKING!! I’m appalled so many of you have this mind set! sheeesh. I couldnt agree more with the OP.

  158. Yuddie

    May 23, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    I’m glad someone finally put this up… and thank you for that… Three years ago, I would have thought that nothing would have been greater than to get married to ‘the one’ I was in love with… Until realising that it was really to satisfy society. At the moment my main focus is to establish my career, if the man comes, beautiful, if not, its OK… My ultimate in life is to be happy and I don’t find that in a man, thank God. Its better to be an old single than a young divorcee

  159. jumysexy

    June 2, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    I picked up a book at a bookstore titled Supernatural Childbirth ( heard it’s a bestseller) and read through a few pages and the writer said (not quoting directly here) she felt like a failure if she cannot have children cos that is the ultimate purpose of a woman. What do you think she would have to say about marriage? This book was written in the 1980s and she had her kids after several years of efforts in the 1970s. The “get married on time” virus is still very potent and ravages the mind of people even unto the next century. Question is: what is your purpose in life? do u intend to take a partner? is your partner willing to take that path with you? Can you handle the distractions that come with marriage, inlaws and children? the list is endless…seriously now i don’t care how you take the partner; in a church, mosque, registry even in space, the most important thing to me is love (qualities associated with it) and communication style you intend to have with another. Even social relationships cannot work if there’s no true communication. The writer clearly WANTS to get married but cannot afford to make a costly mistake with her choice because the world said she must begin that life tomorrow. It pays to pray and wait for God’s hand.

  160. mike

    June 3, 2012 at 12:46 am

    finally!!! i read dis article (reluctantly). I ve sooooooo many tins 2 say, but in two words “be wise”

  161. Tomifeoluwa

    June 15, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Marriage is a good thing and it is even biblical buh the problem is that our African culture has made marriage a compulsory thing. Marriage should be by choice and not by force

  162. hunniebunnie

    June 18, 2012 at 12:59 am

    Ehn, I’m a 29 year old female and I don’t even have a boyfriend talk less of of a fiance. I’m alive, healthy, happy, have amazing friends and family; and for that reason, I’m uber thankful. If husband comes, fine, if not, I will not die. Marriage can be over-rated. Some of my married friends are downright depressed, even the guys. To each his own! Everyone should leave everyone alone to live their lives to the best of their ability and stop pressuring and confusing people to do what “society” says is the norm.

  163. LORI

    June 19, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    Sincerely, I think you hit the nail on the head, ‘” my exact chain of thoughts really”, dont get me wrong Marriage is a beautiful thing, but there is more to life than just being married”, I definitely dont want Marriage as the only bullet point when my biography is being read out in the future, but its sickening how people just go “oh when are we coming for asoebi” or “your getting older oh”, or “ur so into your career”, its no longer about happiness but meeting up to the basic societal standard before your “biological clock starts clicking”, but for some of us who understand how long and tedious this journey is, we know that having the right person on the Driver’s seat is the only thing that will make your burden light and make the journey worth it.

  164. mara

    June 20, 2012 at 2:59 am

    na truth u talk oh

  165. mara

    June 20, 2012 at 3:55 am

    I’m unbelievably allergic to stupidity and of course my eyes started twitching upon reading the response about being a failure if 30, single, and childless. I wish I could get a glimpse of this individual’s brain just so I can comprehend exactly what level of stupidity she/he is operating on…..smh. Let’s just say we can all agree that someone like Oprah Winfery is everything but a failure. I’m in my late 20s and as of late I’ve found myself gradually succumbing to the fear of being single by the time I hit 30 (seriously, what is it about those digits huh). I finally got fed up and started believing there’s more to who I wish to become than just a wife/mother. God put each and every one of us on this planet to develop and nurture a relationship with him. In other words, he created a void in us that only he can fill but we often attempt to fill that void with careers, material things, and marriage. I’m not saying any of this is wrong, but it becomes a problem when it takes the place of God in our lives. It’s high time we stopped letting the society define who we should be and when we ought to be married. I believe good things come to those who wait, and while you’re waiting use that time to invest in yourself. Singlehood shouldn’t be a death sentence or something to be ashamed of. It ought to be a time for introspection and fostering the relationships in your lives, be it with God, family members, or friends. I’ve seen a lot of married men and women who dragged into their marriage issues that should have been resolved years ago while they’re single. Take that time to fix yourself, develop new skills and deal with whatever emotional baggage u may have, if one fails to resolve the issue while single what makes one think adding another person to mix will matter easier. No matter what happens, I refuse to settle for less than what God has in store for me and if that entails waiting a bit longer, then by all means I’ll do just that. Ladies, just remember there’s a guy out there looking for somebody like you. Do your part, be patient, and let God do what he does best……cheers

  166. Fantasia

    June 20, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Truthfully insightful….! am also caught up in the twisted fear of being single at 30. Am going to be 30 dec but still look as if am in my early twenties and i’m in a relationship has been for almost 8yrs now and have quite a number of suitors all over me but the truth is am not in a hurry to marry but society and annoying attitudes form married friends are really getting to me so am almost forced to give in……but this post has given me a clearer view of how to handle things..tnx toolz!

  167. florence

    June 21, 2012 at 9:15 am

    nice write up. u’ve given me a clearer view, and d truth b told, don’t rush into marriage, bcos d society demands it.

  168. TEMMY

    July 3, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo agreeing with toolz and mara but ladies while knowing ur worth & deciding to wait for your mr. right & developing urselves pending the tym ”Mr. right”‘ shows up, its imperative you keep in mind the spiritual twist to life. @ d very risk of sounding too spiritual, whether we admit it or not, LIFE IS SPIRITUAL & PHYSICAL. Hence, be proactive physically (building ur career, pursuing ur goals, developing and preparing urself 4 marriage e.t.c) as well as spiritually ( i mean praying, fasting and constantly saying into God’s ears what you want ) cos some very pretty, good natured, wife material ladies wuld wait all their lives and no man wuld ever show up (BITTER TRUTH) simply bcos its purely spiritual & these ladies didnt do anything abt the spiritual aspect of it. wat if its as a result of a curse (one u might eevn be innocent and ignorant of e.g generational curse), or the evil foundation of ur family (evry1 especially Africans even Pastors have an evil foundation cos of the very wicked tinz our forefathers did), or a spiritual attack from an agent of darkness, or u’re suffering it cos even tho u r a born again and not an idol worshipper u haven’t detached urself prayerfully 4rm the idols (demons) of ur forefathers which u and evry1 in that generation has been covenanted to and so u are still bound to them by the covenants ur forefathers made with them yet you refuse to worship them cos u r a xtian and so they decide to punish you with being single forever cos they av a legal right over u (the covenants which might still be potent). i strongly advice evry waiting lady to be very proactive physically as well as spiritually cos u dnt knw wats responsible for it. LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE THINK ON THESE THINGS.

    • LOUDA

      August 22, 2012 at 4:33 pm

      Hmmm Temmy I would have believed what you wrote if I read it like 2 years ago. I was told I have people from my villages swearing that I wont get married and out of fear I began to pray the kind of prayers I never believed I could pray but funny enough when I finish the prayers the attack got worse. I began asking myself when will the attack stop. Demons no dey die. I made up my mind to speak the word of God into my life and enjoy the price Christ paid for me on the cross instead of chasing immortal demons non stop. I tell you since I stopped all the deliverance and fear of curse prayer, my life has been so peaceful. Anyone who believes that there is a curse holding him down should go on ahead to chase demons but be ready to chase them till you die because they will never leave you alone when they find out you have a lot of time for them. Each man to his own.

  169. emeka

    July 6, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    There is a saying that for marriage; “love takes you as far as six months but the Grace of God actually sustains the union”.
    A candid advice; there is no perfect person out there for the folks still searching. Everybody with their share of imperfections and their partners’ ability to understand and overlook these odds are the only comfort zone anybody needs.
    I married my wife cos i love her and i waited quite a bit before i found her which was worth every single day. It wasn’t particularly easy cos am an only child but my patience, fortitude and resistance (against undue pressure) paid off. Its not been all rosy but God has been so kind. There were times when my wife was so unlovable but i held on and vice versa. Even if i had waited further, i’d have had to still work on my marriage to whosoever it may have been. No matter how long one may wait there is no perfect person
    Trusting/ understanding people is hard especially in Nigeria and my heart goes out to those who have to have to deal with fake and shallow partners who always change to very undesirable beings.
    Nevertheless, if you dont try, you’ll never know.

  170. miss E

    August 3, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    I say this with no apologies. Most Nigerian ladies have very little brains. Ask her where do you see yourself in the next 5yrs,here is her response ‘after school I want to get married and have kids and a civil service job,abeg I don’t want wahala” kai when I hear this am sad and worried for them. For me God didn’t create me and say Esesua now go into the world and be some mans wife,no I have a purpose,and a gift and until you find it even if you marry the best man in the world you will never be fulfilled there will always be something missing a void that no MAN on earth can fill. Take that to the bank.

  171. 'Mo

    October 18, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    @ chilly : thank u so much for being honest, u’re not like d MRS. who are frustrated in their marriages n do not av d guts to say it or face it. I op u’l find happiness in ur marriage again someday God-willing. I’m 25 yrs old n not married. I’m not too picky n my standards are quite realistic but i just aven’t met d right man for me yet. It’s even worse dat my siblings n virtually all my female cousins are married but i av refused to let all d pressure get to me. I do believe in marriage, a happy marriage. Infact, i look forward to it n i keep talking to God abt it. So while i wait for it, i av to achieve other things in life as well. There’s so much more u cld do to impact d world positively. It’s not just abt getting married, it’s staying happily married dat truly matters.

    One more thing, for those u saying dat d single ladies shld leave ur husbands alone, av u ever thought dat it’s possible dat it’s ur husbands dat are doing d chasing? Personally, i av gotten advances from married men but i didn’t date them cos it’s against my faith. Stop blaming d single ladies for ur failed marriages.

  172. Everyday Homegal

    January 1, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Just a comment from far away…African friends! I’m a (much) older gal who’s lived through so many “opinions of others” that most of them (now) make me chuckle. My only comment is–who created the universe and decided any of us must measure what really matters in life by anyone else? Each of us is born with ONE destiny. No one else knows (or understands) that unique path of life fulfillment for anyone else. So, all of the speculation (or criticism) of one person’s beliefs or feelings is really meaningless …except to the person talking/screaming/arguing. The person screaming the loudest at someone else is the one most needing to place a mirror in front of herself while screaming. Let’s start measuring something that really matters…not height, not weight, not marriage, not children, not personal or professional accomplishments …let’s measure the height, weight and breadth of a woman’s soul….for such will be the true measure of your worth.

  173. emerald

    February 9, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    hmm.why is it that when we do not have jobs or money, we the prayer warriors pray till something happens.or maybe some other good things apart from marriage we go all out to get it.but then when it comes to the issue of marriage pple say things like i have not met mr. right or it is not God’s will.stop deceiving yourself ,marriage is a good thing to be desired by all who want it.to all single ladies don’t be deceived being happy is good.but as you pursue your career pray for good relationships too cos it will come.

  174. emerald

    February 10, 2013 at 1:37 am

    also to add, the blessing of the lord makes rich and does not add sorrow. don’t ever deny your desires.if you are scared of quarrels then u are not ready.even siblings quarrel.marriage is a good thing o.don’t stop praying.God will make it good.

  175. jane

    February 19, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Marriage is good but it comes with it price,it easy and not easy depends how u want it to be. Many single deep down caves for a man but they lie to the world that they vaint want marriage.I got married at 31 thou not too smooth but two heads are better than one. Toolz take note God ordain it so its important and he will make evrything for u in his own time. My piece

  176. Amaka

    April 4, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    “The height of MY achievements in life is NOT marriage”. Well said!

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