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A Reader’s Guide to Relationships!

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Ladies are often captivated with the so-called step by step approach to relationships, the concept of the “Author’s Guide to Relationships”. The list is endless: “how to know when he’s that into you”, “finding the perfect man”, “making it work” blah, blah, blah…and even more relationship garbage.

Check your library collection, we all have at one point bought one of these relationship guidebooks and bestsellers. We all get so mentally involved with the ideas of relationships portrayed by these authors and yet one puzzling facts remains, has anyone written the readers reality guide as to how relationships really work or turnout? Well maybe I haven’t read one yet.

Other than shifting us from a state of reality to imaginary dreamers, Disney, Pixar, romantic comedies and all the likes of tinsel town’s finest romance stories have done nothing for us over the years. It’s okay to have fairytale views of romance every once in a while. Hey! We all deserve to be princesses and queens don’t we?  Unfortunately, relationships aren’t always about “Snow white” who Prince charming comes to the rescue with a kiss. We become so immersed in the manuals dos and don’ts of relationships that we hardly give room for what real relationships are about: commitment, consistency and hard work. A wise woman once said to me “Your measure of return or better still, Return on Investment”, in a relationship, is proportional to the measure you put in…well in a fair world.

Relationships are not a ‘one size fits all’ concept and until we (I speak for ladies here) start to realize that there is no comparison whatsoever when it comes to relationships, they are never what they seem to be from the viewpoint of a third party. Your past relationships teach you vital lessons, lessons you either choose to learn or end up repeating at costlier expenses. Never assume anyone is happier than you just by mere looks. The grass is always greener on both sides or has the capacity to be greener with consistent nurturing.

Every woman has a special list, comprising of, how and what they expect from a man, what he brings to the table et al, but the real question is what are you bringing to the table as a woman? Not necessarily financial, we all have different levels of responsibilities. How well will you be able to support your man when the chips are down? How much further are you willing to push beyond the status quo of the “gold digging mentality” that says a man must do this and this for me to prove his masculinity? And I am not talking about the entitlement mentality type of some men, who constantly demand what they want from a woman. I am talking about the kind of man who the inner woman (not the girl) in you looks at with a 5year vision and you can tell yourself I will be in a better place with him than Mr Temporary.

 I have read a few books over the years about relationships and one concept that has stood out has been one of independence. Many authors have made it clear that we shouldn’t be too independent else we become intimidating to men and unlovable. How many times within a certain circle have you heard that phrase “how’s a woman supposed to attract a man with such level of comfort? My question is: does life stand still because you don’t have or find a man? Well you decide. Personally, I believe that one of the greatest discoveries any woman can make, is the pursuit of happiness. It is in the pursuit of happiness that one begins to understand how one can be happy whether in single town, “relationshipville “or married country- and that is only achieved through some level of independence. Companionship doesn’t eradicate loneliness, until you find a happy place in your life, where you can genuinely love yourself, then and only then can you find a place to accommodate someone else and give them the kind of love that you experience and are willing to share.

My advice ladies is simple, ditch the relationship guide books and journals and do what works for you (feel free to even disregard any and/or all the points raised in this article), rather than sticking to someone’s imaginary suggestions as to how to live your life and associations – because honestly there is no definite formula as to what a good partner is and should be. Instead, write your own guide to your own relationships, do what makes you happy and remember that somehow you ‘may’ hurt people along the way, when you make decisions to put your own happiness first rather than to continually struggle to fit into someone else’s idea as to how you should live your life.

Keep working on self discovery and the things you need to do, the rest will fall into place. And the next time anyone tries to make you feel guilty about being you or pry into your business simply let them know ……

RELATIONSHIP  STATUS?    “HAPPY”

 

 

 

 

 

51 Comments

  1. LPS

    April 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

  2. jazmyne

    April 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Thank You!!!

  3. Mz Socially Awkward...

    April 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Errrm… I haven’t. This is in response to your catchall generalization in paragraph 2, that all ladies “…have at one point or the other bought one of [those] relationship guidebooks and bestsellers”. I’ve never bought or ever owned a copy of those guidebooks/bestsellers so please don’t put statements of fact out there and make assumptions for everyone.

    Plus. You’re doing the same thing – i.e. providing suggestions/advice to women seeking happiness in relationships. So I don’t really see the point of your criticism.

    • Miss T

      April 18, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      He advises that you should d you darling and makes a point to say we should feel free to disregard suggestions made in the write up!

  4. PD

    April 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    WORD.

  5. bobo

    April 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Quadruple thumbs up! “Relationship status – Happy”

  6. dontmention

    April 17, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Love it…….I just dissed a guy last week n hv been feeling guilty for hurting him but I realise dat if I had to stay with him, I wud hv been miserable Bc he wanted my life to rotate ard him, forgetting that before him, I had a life n shud still hv a life outside of him even when am with him. The relationship lasted for 3 weeks n during those 3 weeks, all I did was apologise for one thing or de other n that’s when I realised that he wasn’t worth it…….have been tempted to want to go back? Yes but I hav concluded that he is not my happiness n reason y I hav been comfortable moving on….some men want u to feel like without them, u r nothing or can never b happy n am glad I proved this one wrong.

    • lorenz

      April 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm

      Nice. I already like ur spirit. loving urself first is so important. Can totally relate with wat u just said. U know that frankie J song? “Dont wanna try”. If he/shes supposed to be one, we dont have to try. just wasted 2 yrs bcos it took me to long to recognise that fact. thanks.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm

      u have made the right decision.

      What u feel are emotions and u are reacting to them, with time and pray it will pass like spring.. so no worries love.

  7. fly moi

    April 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    well said!

  8. mimi

    April 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Lol i have an unwritten list of what i want in a guy but the key is flexibility. I

    • mimi

      April 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

      Lol i didnt finish writing my comment oo! pscheww anyway as i was saying, i really donot require too much i can tell you that what i can never compromise is God fearing and respect. However at this point in my life i donot need a man, if he comes good and fine, if he dosnt no problem. True Happiness goes beyond what you have.

  9. omo

    April 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    This is such a nice write up! Relation rules, relationship that,how to make your man love you more…I have always believed that each individual should follow a part that works for them and not someone else’s preconceived idea. Well like Chantelle said in Two Can Play..when it comes to relationships..there are no rules 😉

  10. jay

    April 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Relationship status: HAPPY…..

  11. saphya

    April 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    nice….*hugs*

  12. Myne Whitman

    April 17, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Lovely write-up!

  13. Bamz

    April 17, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    I absolutely love this write up esp the last part on r/ship status – HAPPY. However I really do need help I’ve always had this problem from when I was younger of liking guys who dnt feel the same while nt feeling strongly for guys who love me to bits. I feel cursed at times bt really dnt knw wat to do. I’ve tried to make it work wit the guys who r crazy abt me & I’m nt feeling like I’m 1 princess Diana; I really do appreciate them bt I dont just feel the butterflies in my stomach wen such guys r around me. I’m currently seeing a guy who has hung aroung for close to 10yrs; I decided to give him a chance in Jan but I’m still nt crazy abt him instead I keep falling for jerks.I’m SO tired

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 17, 2012 at 11:35 pm

      @ Bamz, I assume u are looking for an advice. I am no expert but I will share my wini wisiii with u i.e. wisdom.

      Point of correction: LOVE IS NOT BUTTERFLIES IN UR TUMMY so u know. It is attraction, we see and we react to what we see, if it is palatable, it makes the attraction stronger. Just thought I clarify that.

      No2: Never go out with someone out OF PITY, u are not only doing yourself harm also the person in question. REMEMBER EMOTIONS are incredibly strong and not everyone can control how they react to the emotions they feel. So DONT GO BREAKING HEARTS.

      No3: Sometimes we have to get to know people and see the role they play in our lives before we jump the gun i.e. RELATIONSHIP. I guess it is at the friendship stage u find out if you want further or NOT. In doing that, I will advice you to get to know you first.

      Best TIP. PRAYER. that my bestest advice, this is because I see with my human eyes and think with my flesh. Once i dedicate it all to God, am able to for some reason leave it there. Everything will work out fine, without me stressing or feeling bad or good or ugly. FINALLY, I think its best to be single if you aint ready for DRAMA.

      My two pennies. Hope it helped..

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • Bliss

      April 18, 2012 at 2:20 pm

      This was less than 2 pennies. lol. JK. Great advise purple

    • ceent

      April 18, 2012 at 12:23 am

      maybe you should stick to the jerks, women like you are the reason the few good men among us turn to monsters overnight, trust me i know your type.

    • MizzCJ

      April 18, 2012 at 7:39 am

      ummmm wats the attack 4? LOL u want a woman to stay with u coz she pities u? eyaaaaaaa lmaooo

  14. Chiane

    April 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Nyc 1,RELATIONSHIP STATUS— HAPPY.

  15. Uchechi

    April 17, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Good points raised, but I disagree about ditching the guide books and journals. Knowledge is power which further empowers you to be good at what you do.

    Well all I can say is theory does influence practice to an extent, if not, why do we go to school to acquire knowledge..its simply the same way we read these books to acquire knowledge on relationships and how to work it out!

  16. christy

    April 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Dere can neva be a setup rules n relatn,it more trickish dat jst met d eye.I ve always been d cool,humble,faithful,sincere non demanding type,& wat have been gettin n return????? After havin so many bitter lesson I decided 2 go 4 wat shld I say,below my standard? Too harsh 2 use dat word,bt have sumone who worship my feet,who luv me more,blcas he God fearing,d holy type,which n essenc s nt wat I want,I want social life,bt can’t eat ur cake & have.relatnship stuff s too painful 2 narate!

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 17, 2012 at 11:44 pm

      Am sorry dont mean to be rude but that sounds MISERABLE…I mean the relationship. maybe am naive sha, i dont know whats up. but I do know my GOD does not settle for less.

      I know without a doubt God does not seek to make us miserable, if we make our choice, we make it based on our own ideologies and logical reasoning. Am sorry they are holy BROTHERS out there with FANTASTIC CHARACTER AND KNOW to have HOLY FUN.
      Not that I think ANY IS HOLY, WE STRIVE THROUGH HIS GRACE. so maybe that would have caught ur fancy.. ??

      One more thing, just because we are nice does not mean people should take advantage of us. But then again, PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE A) to teach us to SOJI,wake up and smell the burnt coffee b) TO TRUST GOD, c) know more about yourself and character. So when crap happens dont blame the confused but the confuser. Basically if we studied ourselves enough, there are some pple will automatically avoid because their character and qualities are ermmm???? NO GO AREA.
      Again, apologies if I came across harsh, brash or insensitive or even mocking. It is not my intention. I know comment can be easily misinterpreted sometimes.

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  17. Tee

    April 17, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    Love this, every relationship has its own issues, i have always said to me friends just because that worked for you does not mean it will work for others. Relationship rules are only write ups and not reality.

  18. chyoma

    April 17, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    word…nice write up

  19. Ron

    April 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    I like. Takes away the panic and pressure of …OMG!…im single.

  20. Berry Choco-Latte

    April 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm

  21. Lorietta

    April 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Beautiful read !……

  22. Shola Pacheco

    April 17, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    @Mz Socially Awkward Lucky you! Thanks for your comment….

  23. dee one

    April 17, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    @bamz…Dat is exactly my story too and its been ongoing since i was young too, i really don’t know wat to do. The more i try to open up and atleast give them a chance, the mor annoying and unbearable they become to me and it really bothers me.

  24. Purpleicious Babe

    April 17, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Ok, finally I get to comment on the article..

    Me likes. some key points raised. Well said stuff.
    Thank GOD for HS spireeeee… i.e. Holy spirit. Cos I often wonder why people are miserable at the thought of singlehood. Like it is an opportunity to grow, learn, develop, acquire, maintain and keep discovering. When the time is up, then lets get a MOVE ON.

    I think we should be OCCUPIED WITH WORKS, ACCOUNTABLE GODLY ONES TOO.

    Goodness, ” companionship does not eradicate loneliness” how about that for a CHANGE.

    BACK OFF and do u, in time everything will work out. Dont forget GREAT GRAND UNCLE SOLO i.e. solomon said that VANITY UPON VANITY, ALL NA WETIN VANITY AND grasping for the wind. TIME FOR EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN.

    Side note: if u are in a crappy relationship right now. stop mourning/ making excuses. U KNOW WHAT TO DO. LEARN and dont repeat the same mistakes.Oh yeah do TRUST DOC JESUS, he sure is ready to help..(happy smiles).

    http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  25. Babe Again

    April 18, 2012 at 1:33 am

    Well written however I disagree with your opinion on reading relationship books. A book I will recommend is “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”. I read relationship books and I will continue to read them because I believe in deriving knowledge from those who have achieved what I am trying to achieve. Nonetheless I like th Relationship Status ~Happy part! I believe in waiting for God’s time as opposed to trying to do what is in vogue. Many times I lowered my standards, dated people who I will literally “mother”, pamper without getting anything in return. I told my self early this year NO MORE! Because I know I deserve a man who would treat me like a queen that I am. I’m single and very happy! 🙂

    • lorenz

      April 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

      Awwwwhh!!!! Dating men u could literally mother? The truth is there’s nothing such as the perfect guy. U have to first possess him, then reform him to just how u like. If a guy wants u he’ll be willing to be reformed. So….. what i’m saying is; when u see one that comes close to ur type, and ur sure he really likes u, reform him, or even sef transform him. Sorry, hope i wasnt too blunt.

  26. naj

    April 18, 2012 at 9:41 am

    I am surprised that folks take these relationship books serious.
    These are money making schemes targeted at the gullible.
    No two relationships are the same so no need for the long lectures. The common threads that hold true for all relationships are simple and straight forward even fools know them,so no need to read them up in books. Simple things like respect, sacrifice,trust and loyalty. The rest are unique in each relationship.
    Don’t fall prey to the Dr. Phils’ of this world who are looking to use your desperation to deepen their bank balances. They don’t even practice the crap they preach.

  27. Amy

    April 18, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Hmmmm nice one but a times I feel all these tips just don’t work. I’m confused as to wat tip to stick to cos the one that worked for my ex won’t work for the present so it’s all just so annoying. Why do we need rules to be in love anyway,guess it’s a cruel world where honesty is very very scarce. I believe in liberty in love,if I feel restrained then I’m out . I also agree with the writer that we should also bring something to the table in rshps,something vital. We shouldn’t let a bad person change our good and noble ways.

  28. busola

    April 18, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    Thank God for this write up.. I haven’t been concerned about my single status until recently, I started getting worried..Esp coz I will be turning 22 in few weeks from now. I finally met this guy not long ago, and we have been chatting for a bit. According to my standards, I don’t want a smoker nor an unbeliever but somehow I have found myself liking this dude.. Although, I haven’t told him anything yet, he is already asking that we take things further. I think my concerns about my single status is affecting my thoughts.. Thanks for this article again, I don’t have to settle.

  29. Miss Paul

    April 18, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Impressive article…I really love the piece…Also love Purpleicious Babe’ [email protected] ur principles is not to date a smoker or an unbeliever pls do not go against it cos once u do, u go against all that u believe to satisfy flesh…Trust God to send a non-smoker and a true believer ur way…Also, at 22 u shld be discovering urself not worrying about being single..u shld enjoy this stage in ur youth so that wen u are 32,u dnt wish u cld go back 10years to make corrections of ur mistakes or to enjoy ur life well…But the best way out of this concern is to get on ur knees n speak to God..he has all d answers…[email protected] n dee one..u both will find d one for u believe it with faith while praying to him as Miss Purple has adviced……Shade nice piece again

  30. Miss Paul

    April 18, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    so sorry i meant Shola nice piece again

  31. Bee Saved

    April 19, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    I like the relationship status – happy…. my own 2cents on books, you cannot know what you are going into (re: relationship or marriage or anything else for that matter) without knowledge. You cannot say you will become the best in your field without knowledge about your field. It is only an ignorant man that will say, i will make this work, when he doesn’t even know what he is supposed to be making work…. read, expand your knowledge, starting with what God says about relationships and marriage in His Word. The bible is the best relationship guide ever written. Read books from people that have good, Christian marriages as they will be writing from the tree of knowledge and experience.
    And finally, one size does not fit all, what may work in one relationship may not work in another. Find what works for you and let God do the rest….. God bless

  32. lady lillian

    April 20, 2012 at 3:11 am

    honestly i dont think reading relationship books is wrong,i think its informative as some truths are being exposed to us.but then again it would not help to start scurrying after them to bring u up to par on how ur next relationship must be like. one relationship book which i enjoyed was steve harvey’s act like a woman think like a man and i cant wait 4d movie to come out. i agree with the writer too that in any relationship you should bring something to the table. it doesnt make sense when the other party gives and gives and gets nothing.(not speaking materially now). this is an act of reciprocity,as a diplomat i would no,lol.. and can i just say purplelicious babe,i dun no u buh i luv u.i totally look 4ward to ur comments here.keep d good work

  33. Bamz

    April 20, 2012 at 10:00 am

    @ Purpleicious Babe Tks a mil & trust me dat advice is worth more than 2 pennies. U r a really gifted woman; I av followed ur comments on BN articles & they r usually very mature, deep, seasoned & helpful. @ Christy I can totally relate with u dear. @ Dee One it is well; we’ll get thru it soon. @ Miss Paul tnk u SOOOO much. @ Ceent I’m so sorry I came across wrongly. I am not certain I undastnd d emotns behind ur comment bt I assume u tink I trivialize d feelings of d good guys who luv me bt dat isnt d case. I respect them & appreciate their luv 4 me plus I av been thru a lot myself & I dnt tink u knw my type bt really I am so sorry if I offended u wit my comment; it wsnt intended to look however it looked to u. I was just being open & seeking help.

  34. Queen

    April 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Sort of unrelated, but what advice do you have for someone in a very dicey situation. Been with a guy for 4 years who’s of a different religion but swears he loves me and shows it most of the time; though he’s cheated once. The issue now’s he’s saying he can’t marry me because of the religious difference and won’t let me go because he doesn’t know what can happen in future; he might not feel so strongly. I know it sounds silly but most relationship issues usually are lol. Advice anyone?

  35. Shola Pacheco

    April 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    @Queen ” The issue now’s he’s saying he can’t marry me because of the religious difference and won’t let me go because he doesn’t know what can happen in future;”
    Well Queen based on what you mentioned and I quote you above, I am sorry but have you ever heard of the “selfish man” ? The type that has no need for you, yet will gladly have yo miserable in his life than happy with someone else? No disrespect, I think you might be dealing with one… I can only wish you the best, whilst maintaining ” the do what’s best for you rule”. What does your heart tell you? are you happy? your questions for an honest you to answer… All the best love!

  36. feelitx

    April 22, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    We human beings are flawed. There are no perfect men. The best men have been taken by the women who reformed/made them. Going forward, find your man, repair him and marry him.

  37. nkeiru

    April 24, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Nice_tops-HAPpY…….finding happiness in my relatinship is too difficult,

  38. Olusegun

    April 26, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Well said…….. Good write up

  39. April

    April 29, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    u’ve just said the truth.

  40. snazzyjamo

    June 19, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Inspiring!!!!!! and i found a new relationship status for fb … *** HAPPY*******, Thanx for this 1daful piece

  41. deedee

    August 8, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    nice piece!!!

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