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A Better Life With A Relative Abroad…Morphed into a Nightmare! Clara shares her Experience

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Every day, more women are standing up to domestic violence and different forms of abuse against women. It’s impressive that people are now more open to sharing their experiences. We find that a lot of people can draw inspiration from the experiences of other people. One of our readers, who has chosen to remain anonymous, sent this to us but let’s call her “Clara”. We hope that our readers will read this and know that they’re not alone and maybe by reading, they’d find strength to walk away from any potentially damaging situation they might be in.
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When I was younger, life  was just a land of milk and honey.It was a land where the streets were made of gold and money grew on trees. It was a dream but I was young and I guess I was allowed to dream. I was happy; only seventeen and already had a job whilst I waited for the results of my JAMB exams. The first of seven children I was completely oblivious of the responsibilities that lay ahead of me. We were not poor and we never lacked. My mum had a thriving business and my father had a good job. My family was loving and I had a freedom that could be compared to that of a bird.

Little did I know that all this was about to change for me. Little did I know that my life was about to make a massive turn around. This change came when one day, one of my mother’s relatives visited from America. It was my first time of meeting and although I had seen pictures of him, he was a complete stranger to me.

My father called me into the living room four days into this strangers visit. When I entered the room,   he said “This is your uncle who leaves in the US.” My father began “He is here to take you to live with him. You are a very lucky girl, so I want you to be your best. Do anything he says you should do because he will be your dad from henceforth. Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir”

Well that was all I could say. This was all new to me and I was scared; excited and scared. I was afraid of being flown miles and miles away from a place and people I loved yet I was excited for what was to come.

Two weeks later and I was all set and ready to leave for the Gold country. My uncle was now my new dad,  would be my care giver and my life in US was dependent on him. I noticed  that there was something different about uncle, I just didn’t think about it .  One night suggested I shared a bed with him and his little daughter, whom he came with. His hands seemed to touch the wrong places that night but I decided to ignore it.

I didn’t know what life in the US would be like but I knew I would get the opportunity to go to school and make a better life for myself and my family. When we landed, his wife was waiting for us at the airport. She seemed nice in the start but that did not last long ,  she became mean as the days rolled into months.

Here I was, seventeen and far away from home. I was lonely and  afraid . I could have dealt with  my fear and loneliness but then  my “dad” started to play his old tricks again. This time he would ask for a kiss on the lips. I was confused, this was not normal. He should not be doing that but there was nothing I could do about it. The first time it happened, I felt so violated, I broke down in tears and cried myself to sleep. That was the day my luck turned sour.

A week later he bought me a pair of underwear and instructed me to wear them for him to see. I stood in embarrassment as his eyes drank in the details of every curve on my body. I wished  the ground would open and swallow me up. Inside me, I wanted to die and never have to go through this again.

He took things to the next level when his wife and kids went on holiday; leaving us alone in the house. One night, he laid out an air bed and asked me to take off my clothes so he could give me a massage. There was no arguing with him and I could not possibly refuse his order. At this point, I knew I was in trouble, things could not get any worse. I really didn’t understand why this was happening. I didn’t think this was normal behavior between blood relatives! Why was he doing this to me? For many days I cried for me, I cried for my family and I cried for my luck.

Life was unbearable, I was afraid to go home after school. As things got from bad to worse, his wife hated me more and she wanted me out of her house, if she suspected anything was happening, she did not let on. One time, she saw a diary I had written  about what was happening and ripped it to shreds. She called me a liar and that sparked a whole new level of abuse from her. I was  even  banned from watching TV. On the sixth month of my second year in the US, I was eventually kicked out of the house. My world was clouded by uncertainty, fear and anger.  I thought that being kicked out was a good thing because at least he couldn’t touch me anymore, right? Wrong!!!

As time went on he  started to visit  me  every week. I occupied a tiny room in a shared house but this did not put him off. He  had no regards for me and often hurt me in his hid to price my lips open for a kiss. I tried to fight, God knows I did but it was impossible. He was a big man and could easily suffocate me with his weight. He got angry and aggressive when I fought back. On one occasion he ejaculated his sperm on my body when he could not penetrate me. I was miserable, because of this monster.There was no one to talk to and life was just an endless pool of pain and suffering.

When I wouldn’t give in to him, he changed his tactics and started to threaten to send me back to Africa if I did not behave. This scared me to no end. What will I say to my parents? What will become of my future? I could not let him send me back, it would be too painful for my beloved family. So, I gave up fighting. I let him have his way. I  gave up my dignity because I did not have a choice. As I laid on that bed on that summer afternoon, I willed myself not to cry, I had to be strong. I could not let him see my tears. No way, I could not let that happen. You might be saying “why did you let it happen?”, ” why didn’t you fight?” and you might be right.

Should I have spoken to someone? A counselor? At the time i did not have access to a counselor  and I might not have gone for it if I did because I was  too  embarrassed .

He sent me back to Nigeria. I was distraught. He stole my dignity and threw me out like a piece of rag. When I was sent back home, I started to look at other options and ways of coming back to the US. People were asking questions after a month of my return, its like the moment you leave the country   you are no longer from that country  because if you stay too long, people start to ask “so when are you going back. So I desperately wanted to go back. I could not bear to tell my parents about the horrible things  Thinking about the heartache that would cause them was unbearable. I never told them and I never will.

I contacted a friend from school, whose parents agreed to let me stay with them. They also agreed to pick me up from the coach station as long as I could get to the city where I lived previously. When I got back to the US, I tried a few times to contact him especially when I needed to extend my stay in the country but he refused to help or even speak to me.  I have forgiven him

For everything that happens, there is a reason. I don’t know why mine happened yet but I get to share my story with you. Never think your problem is big and never give up on your life until God himself takes it.

Fast forward to five years later and I have forgiven him. I have moved on and will keep moving on. I now live in the UK, and I own my business. I am also studying English Language at the university.

My abuser took away my dignity but God gave me a new beginning.

Photo credit: naijamayor.com

68 Comments

  1. jolly girl

    August 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    my God!!!!!!

  2. Chattyzee

    August 8, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    The evil that men do not only lives after them, it also lives with them. I’m sure he as ripped all the evil seeds he sowed. Shebi he has a daughter? I bless God for turning your mourning into dancing. Thanks for sharing your story.
    http://dprodigalchild.wordpress.com/

  3. NNEKA

    August 8, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    sometime i wonder if its not the same blood that flow through the veins of all humanbeings. that man is an animal. God will surely judge.

  4. Ginika

    August 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    What a powerful piece.

  5. Mz Socially Awkward...

    August 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Clara, I’m so very sorry to hear what you’ve been through, especially considering your parents entrusted you into the care of this monster who they’d asked to take care of you. I can’t answer all the questions you’ll no doubt have asked God about why it happened but know that God can restore beauty in the place of ashes and holds your life in His hands. Be assured there’s a special place reserved in hell for your “uncle”.

    I really wish you could tell your family, he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it and who knows how many other vulnerable girls he’s abused? Maybe his own daughter? Please, expose him for the animal he is. He can’t do any more harm to you but imagine if people are still leaving him in the care of their young children. Please, please and please, I beg you. Let him be shown to the world as the depraved animal he really is, pull the mask off! I pray you find the courage to do this and the healing you need to move on with a richly blessed life ahead.

    xx

  6. Mz Socially Awkward...

    August 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    *my apologies, meant “leaving their young children in his care”*

  7. lilz

    August 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    this is one mistake Nigerians make….as long as som1 is abroad they just feel its all rosy there and then the ones that are there will refuse to come back even tho they are suffering bcos of shame and what people wud say…but its your life and what people say shouldn’t matter..i always say its better to suffer at home where you have friends and family than suffer in another country with absolute strangers…I’m sorry about what happened i know how it feels cos I’ve been a victim of abuse as well but one truth is that you are lucky u were able to become successful it may never be the same with others..when things are though with u in another country come back and fix things up here…there will be several opportunities to get back

  8. Goodnessme!

    August 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    This is soooo sad it made me cry no end! This world is full of evil beings Bella how do i get to share my own story it is about time it be told.

  9. Ngozi

    August 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Wow! This is so sad. A young girl is defiled by the same person that should have looked after her. We thank God for your life. Hopefully your story will act as an inspiration to the young girls and boys suffering from such abuse!

  10. today

    August 8, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    to me,i think this is bulshit. i wil rather die than allow that man enter his stinky stuff inside me. instead of me allowing him, he should beat me to death ni, abi what is it sef? i was happy in my peaceful naija.if he sends me back, i wil expose him and anytime he comes bck,i will pour acid on him cos thats what he deserves

    • nana

      August 8, 2012 at 6:12 pm

      i can understand why u feel this is bullshit bt trust me its nt that easy.i was in a similar situation and trust me i always wanted to retaliate in my own way bt coming from the background im from back home i had to endure. i couldnt tell my parents what was going on because i wanted a better life to go change their lives back home. i was 14 when i moved to the uk with this uncle bt after 2 yrs i had to leave the house cos i just couldnt take it neither was i able to talk to anyone about it. im 24 now n still in the uk. one will never know how it feels till they find themselves in such.

  11. Ladi

    August 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    “Two weeks later and I was all set and ready to leave for the Gold country. ”

    How do people get in and out of the US like that? How did she get a visa?

    I just feel like there’s so much more to this story (than people can learn from) other than the abuse.

  12. timma

    August 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Thank God u are a survivor!God will reward you abundantly.He will pay that I KNOW for sure.God bless U!

  13. Ola Ola

    August 8, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    I feel so bad for you and in no way am I saying this is your fault. But you were in America. I live in America and I’m very aware of the resources available to people in your situation. You could have taken a stand, reported to authorities. There are people in schools, everywhere who are willing to help. I’m surprised your teachers in school didn’t notice that there was something off in your home situation. Besides, when you moved out, why was he allowed to visit? That fool could have been in jail for a very long time for at least statutory rape!

  14. Mena Oudha

    August 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    Dear Clara, I really wish you would share this with your parents. they deserve to know the truth about that monster.

  15. Adeola

    August 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Never send your child to go live with anyone…even if its gari u have to offer den so be it

  16. dontmention

    August 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Am so sorry dat happen to u n dat u remained alive to tell ur story. But search deep within u, u r not completely healed n will not b until u expose this ugly demon. Bc he still has power over u knowing dat u cannot expose him n probably Bc he feels dat its his word angst Ur’s…plus, u r telling this story to inspire hope in dose in similar situations but u r not truly helping those who need it Bc this man is abusing somebody else as we type just Bc he hasn’t been apprehended which makes him feel superioir. I beg of you Clara, for ur true peace of mind n healing n for the sake of those u want to help with this story, expose this man. Once an offender, always an offender.its great u hav forgiven him but dat didn’t change his attitude hun, n dats y we hav de justice system. U owe dat much to ur parents….the truth n I pray n hope u find the courage to tell rm n expose the evil dat lies within….I will say a prayer for u

  17. Pat Zika

    August 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    God hv mercy… i still ask the same question all the time i see stories like this.. is thr no real men again that can kill their third leg and do thing for a woman without expecting anything in return? why r sm men very mean and monster? why hv dey sold their humanity and pple don’t fear God anymore. they shld all rmbr that they will give account of wht ever they hv done in this earth. i read a story of how a manager sat on a lady appointment letter that he must sleep with the lady and i begin to ask myself questions. Pple shld be careful not to provoke the anger of God on themselves and their generations to come all the same the world is a school the more we leave the more we learn but one thing is sure we shld try and learn the good part.

  18. Gorgeous

    August 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    I Dont know, but i find this story ficticious and unclear. You were in high school or university? Surely you would have known you had options. You lived in America for Christ’s sakes. That incident in and of itself alone should have landed the guy in jail and given you a very good start in the US. You just refused to explore it. Well, all is well that ends well. You made a decision. You were not even that small of a kid. And how come when you moved out, you still let him come to your house? I am really confused. I almost want to say you enabled and encouraged it.

    • NancyPeters

      August 8, 2012 at 6:18 pm

      Gorgeous don’t just judge people if you have not being in the situation. How dare you call this fictitious. It’s easy for you to sit and type nonsense. Why do you think 85% of women that get abused constantly by their husband still stay in the marriage, why don’t they leave. These women don’t leave because they find themselves in bondage, and not because they enjoy the abuse. There are people here in the US that also get constantly abused by a relative and they don’t tell anyone, how dare you claim that they contributed to their abuse. Think before you write and stop typing jargons.

    • Gorgeous

      August 8, 2012 at 11:20 pm

      You need comprehension skills. Stop typing and thinking with emotions. I still stand by my comment. I cant defend this story. i seems very strange to me. It is also not strange that people enjoy and commit incest. Not saying this was the case. If you live in the US, then you understand what i am saying. She was kicked out and the guy still came to “rape” her at home where she had room mates? MEN! GTFOH!

    • NancyPeters

      August 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

      I was born in the United States and I have lived here for 21yrs so I know what I am saying. I volunteer with an Organization that deals with sexual abused kids and adults so i definitely have more experience dealing with this people. Fear can be so crippling. It paralyses people. One of the major reasons people don’t talk is because they fear people like you “Gorgeous” will judge them, you will blame them and say they contributed their rape. People like you will come on bellanaija and call their story fictitious. This women and young girls have gone through so much that the last thing they need is people like you “Gorgeeous” trashing them. How will someone come to you if you are going to blame them for getting raped. Lastly you don’t need to curse me to pass your message across, it’s kind of tacky. Instead of coming here to curse me out, think of ways you can uplift and fight for girls that go through this.

  19. Nonye

    August 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Please just pray you dont find yourself in this kind of situation

  20. Floxxy

    August 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    My dear Clara, I am not writing to judge but when you nocticed that your so-called uncle has started touching you in places that was not normal you should have one way or the other, have decided on a plan B which was to come back home and still have your dignity because from the story it was very obvious what he wanted from the start and immediately he had you, deported you back to Nigeria as if you were something to be discarded.
    Well I bless God for you though that after your ordeal, you are still victorious so pls for the safety of other children and now that you do not owe him anything and has never owed him, kindly tell your parents what he did to you and then let it go. You might think you have forgiven him but this ugly incident that took your dignitycan never and will never be forgotten in a hurry. May God bless you. Amen.

  21. Lillian

    August 8, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I bless God he has a daughter! She’ll be treated as such IJN. Clara, I thank God u had d gut to share dis story. And am also so happy u have moved on. U are a very strong lady! But don’t hate all MEN. I Love ur strong will.

    • Anon

      August 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

      Why would you wish this on another female?

  22. Remi

    August 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    stopped reading around the underwear part, cant bring myself to finish it, too sad!

  23. Afripro

    August 8, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    The grass is not always greener on the other side

  24. Blackknight

    August 8, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I HATE this kind of sob stories. Lady, you wasted and waited too long to move on with your life. When did this incident happen, if I may ask?In this time and age, it baffles me that people still GO through these kind of problems abroad when the solution is staring you in the face.
    Being violated abroad is the easiest way to get your legal status and have the state protect you whether you are illegal or not. You can build a water tight case and being a young woman for that matter, sets you up for a better life.
    @ 17 years old,you sure wasted so much time with your uncle or dad when you should have moved on and still lived the life you’d wanted. I hear these stories everyday..be it in London, Ireland,US, Canada etc……Once an uncle / relative or whatever brings you over to live with them and turns you into a slave, sex object, or abuse/violate you, it doesn’t matter if you are legal or not, don’t be AFRAID, CRY OUT and you will be protected on that basis alone.
    Never EVER give room for stupid sob stories like this.
    Just few days ago, I heard about similar story of a woman that brought her sister’s daughter abroad and registered her as her own daughter, + her other 5 kids. For 18 years, she’s been collecting child benefit under this young lady’s name. Young lady,out of FEAR, didn’t know all these while until recently…..When she asked her supposed Mother about all the money,all she could say was ‘I brought you to Europe’, ‘I clothed You’, ‘I gave you life’…..What crime is worse than turning an innocent and naive young lady into a cash cow to steal from Government and be building houses in your village?You brought the girl abroad for the sole purpose of using her as your daughter to steal from government and now emotionally blackmailing her by saying ‘After all I have done for you’……
    Ladies, Never EVER give room for stupid sob stories like this.

    • Ikunkun

      August 9, 2012 at 2:10 am

      OMG!!! The exact situation is happening to my friend!! Her aunty adopted her, brought her to the US and has been using as a cash cow over the years, to the point of making her work and collecting all of her tax returns! My friend is 23yrs now, but the woman won’t let her go, seized all her papers and she uses the exact same reverse psychology about giving her a life and bringing her to the US. She wouldn’t even let the girl go to college because once the girl starts collecting financial aid, the money she gets from the government would reduce. The heart of man is desperately wicked!! We had to help her move out of the house, write to the school board and all, so now she is starting a new life on her own as an independent. You would ask why it took her so long, I tell you I have never seen such a textbook case of Stockholm syndrome in my life before but at least she finally broke free. If you are in a bad situation and you can’t talk to family please talk to a friend, their age non-withstanding…..The key is to find Godly wisdom.

  25. MISS

    August 8, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    I had an uncle (my dads older brother) who once lived with us. One day he sed he was going for a business meeting and i shld give him a goodluck kiss. B4 i knew it his tongue was in my mouth. That day I felt so disgusted. Thank God for my kind of extroverted personality, 1st person I told was my twin sister and next person was my dad. to be honest I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing telling my dad but one thing I was sure about was there was nothing normal/casual about that kiss to me. Long story short my dad warned him that night and he never tried it again with me. (I later found out from a friend of mine who stopped visiting me, That he had tried funny things with her to) i WAS 17 at the time too.

  26. ify

    August 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    i feel your pain but couldn’t you trust your parents to tell them what you were going through?

    • KathyLiberman

      August 8, 2012 at 5:22 pm

      I think it’s a topic a lot of Nigerian and African mothers don’t talk about that’s why it’s usually difficult to go talk to them about. It’s high time Mothers start telling their young children what is appropriate touching and what is inappropriate and requires immediate attention. We call it the birds and the bees. Once a child is able to read and talk the mother needs to sit the child and have a good ole sex education with that child. Don’t wait till they get into middle school , high school or get molested by some crazy a** before the topic is brought to the table. If you are a mother and you’ve had occasional conversations like this with your child, the child will find it easier to come talk to you when something isn’t going right. No Child deserves to go through that. My advice Clara will be to let your parents know, your uncle might be doing it to his own child or some other persons child. Clara I am so glad you have moved on to better things, nothing will hold you back from getting to the heights God has destined for you.

  27. TruthTeller

    August 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    It’s easy to sit behind a keyboard and type all sorts of solutions. I’ve realized that most times you’ll never know the true picture of things until you’re in it. Clara, I understand that at that age you had no experience of being violated, and probably no sexual experience prior to that. I once had a blood relative that kissed me(not passionately though, how?) on the lips twice, the third time he made an attempt i out-rightly refused but you know what?I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone till date. It’s not as easy as anyone thinks, that I know. Having said that, you owe it to yourself to expose this man, there’s nothing else to hide. Expose him, expose him, expose him.He doesn’t deserve to be covered like this, expose him biko!

  28. Toksgreat

    August 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    I am sorry about what happened to you but i am sure God has already given you a reason to be joyful. I am very happy my parents never allowed any of us to live under anybody even though we were all boys.. … now i know why they did that!

  29. asia

    August 8, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    What a disgusting pig! Leave God to him and he will get his just deserves! You keep moving on in life and being successful and what goes around will come around.

  30. Janded

    August 8, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    Good that you are on your own feet now. His wife is a real a- hole and living in denial. Shame on her!

  31. Sandra

    August 8, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    hummmm Speachless…….

  32. classy&sassy

    August 8, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    few days ago, I and my friends were talking about rape and thanking God that we’ve never been victims. I can only imagine the shame she must have felt been treated that way. Inasmuch as you claim to have forgiven that monster, there can never be closure unless you expose him for what he really is. Think about the little girl that he is debasing right now. She may not have the strength or mind to walk away and forgive him like you have. She may end up being damaged for life! All you have to do is anonymously expose him. The internet has made such easy. If not for yourself, for other victims.

  33. nana

    August 8, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    story of my life..

  34. Amazeballs!

    August 8, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    I wonder why you didn’t tell your parents and come back home immediately. After all you said things were comfortable at home. Still, really sorry to hear about your story. May God heal you in the way only He can!

  35. nana

    August 8, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    story of my life…im nw 24 yrs left gh at the age of 14 to live with an ‘uncle’. nt only was i abused bt my passport taken away from me and left to fend for myself from age 16 after i fled the hse..10 yrs on n stl avnt bn able to go bk hme to my folks..stl tryn to sort immigration issues out..i was told by this uncle i would amount to nothing bt thank God an angel came along who offered to pay my tuition to go to uni to study biomedical science. reading this brought tears to my eyes…im now in my 2nd yr in uni and doing well..thanks for inspiring me with this.

  36. Beverly

    August 8, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    For anybody leaving with relatives undocumented abroad , if you are being assaulted and abused , use the computer at the library, do your research for agencies, tell a teacher or a doctor – they have a duty to report , call the police and tell them your story. Deportation does not happen that fast even if you want to come back ASAP. There is a process, there are agencies that will help you to try and get your papers/ send you back home. Yes, you may have to live in a shelter and on a pittance but those months of freedom in a shelter will be better than the years of mental agony that without psychological help, you will carry for the rest of your life. They will probably find some counseling/psychological help for you.

    As for people who think a random magical “relation” will sponsor you abroad from the goodness of their hearts. No such thing as a free lunch, nobody is going to spend that money and time for nothing. Nobody.

    Bella Naija – This story is so poorly written that I have trouble believing it. She was 17 so she either went to high school or community college or a bridging program. She was able to contact an old classmate, raise money for a ticket, return to the US and live with them but still contacted her abuser to help her extend her stay. Of course the story ends with forgiveness and Baba God is so good. Look here, if you guys are going to publish fiction as true life stories, you need to start doing proper research with resolutions both for the victim and abuser. I am tired of reading articles with no resolution/solution. Most comments end with curses or sympathy. The end. Until another story.

    • Ericalupe

      August 8, 2012 at 6:50 pm

      I agree with most of the things you wrote but the part about it being fictitious is just nonsense. Have you heard of bondage before. Why is it that 85% of women who get sexually abused by their husband here in the United States still stay in the marriage and don’t tell anyone about it. A lot of these women are in their thirties, you think they enjoy the abuse they are getting. Don’t lash at someone if you’ve never being in their situation. I do volunteer work for a sexually abused women organization; it’s very easy for people like you to sit down and type judgmental things about these people. Until you’ve actually gone through something, don’t sit down and call this fictitious because there are women, adult, young girls that go through this everyday. They need people like me and you to fight for the empowerment of women. Stay Blessed

    • Beverly

      August 8, 2012 at 8:44 pm

      Ericalupe, reading is fundamental. No where in my comment did I victim blame. I criticized BN for a poorly written story – left as is, a story. I called on them to do better. I have been reading BN since when it was just Uche, (doing voice tags – who remembers that time?) there is a team now, so I expect better.

      I read child trafficking, child domestic slavery, sexual abuse and rape – all crimes, yet this monster is walking about free , to abuse another day.

      I am sure a lot of people are looking for stories of resolution to unanswered questions- who can you trust, how and where can people get help, what are the first steps,what kind of proof do you need, how do you keep yourself safe while you are looking for help,what to expect after you are removed- emotionally/financially/socially/if there is a criminal prosecution, how is an abuser is punished?

      I also notice that you did not offer a solution.

    • KathyLiberman

      August 8, 2012 at 10:27 pm

      @Beverly I am really sorry I lashed at you. One of the solutions will be for Parents to have constant conversations or a talk with their children about the birds and the bees. Mothers especially need to let their children know what’s appropriate and what’s inappropriate and out of line. Once the child knows how to read and talk give them some good ole SEX Education. SEX is a topic most African parents don’t talk about that is why victims find it difficult to tell their parents or protect themselves from Crazies.

    • blj

      August 9, 2012 at 8:45 am

      i agree it was badly written. for all fiction writing pls do enough research.

    • Clara's Friend

      August 9, 2012 at 9:53 am

      It’s not fiction. Please don’t belittle something that meant so much to someone by coming to call it ‘fiction’. Until you’re in that person’s shoes you really shouldn’t make flippant comments.

  37. x-dada

    August 8, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    hmm…..there is something about this story that makes it sound more like a fiction……..did she have an american visa before the two weeks of her departure? soo may questions.. .if its for real, then may God judge your abuser

  38. Ready

    August 8, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    @ Beverly, I def agree. True, truth is sometimess stranger than fiction, but really? People are that naïve and nice? So she left the US after returning from being prematurely sent to Nigeria..and now she’s finally getting a degree in the UK. The man delayed her life, she had and has to lie to her parents, and live with knowing the man is just chiling…and she’s cool with it? She givess God the glory for a new beginning? Umm…cool story.

  39. lilly

    August 8, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    My dear i totally understand you. when i came to the US my parents entrusted with my mum’s first cousin. At first everything was going on well. But when i eventually started school things began to change. My uncle and his wife became hostile to me and eventually kicked me out of their house. A year after i got kicked out, they got divorced. I don’t bear any grudges against them because i have forgiven them and also accepted that that’s how life is. I know a new beginning is coming on my way.

  40. Ikunkun

    August 8, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    Fact or Fiction…..I still feel bad that people would question her silence….In the opening of the article she shared that she was a naive child growing up in Nigeria. Some of us do grew up faster that others and we really do underestimate the power of fear!!! It is crippling! People saying she should have talked to someone obviously haven’t seen proper american kids that take abuse from even their fathers for years un-end without coming forward, not to talk of a fresh off the boat “Kid”.
    My dad died when I was 4 and even though my mum wouldn’t give us up to go live with ANYBODY even if the person lived in paradise (and trust me, she got a lot of offers) for whatever reason, she still needed help from all sorts of ‘uncles’ picking us up from school and babysitting. At age 8 I almost got abused a couple of times I remember vividly by this particular ‘uncle’, the last time, He thought I was sleeping, I got up and cursed him out at the top of my lungs. He turned tables saying I was a spoiled little girl. What you have to realize is that I was one of those “dirty minded” kids, I got to know about sex(my older cousin watching porn and listening in on my lesson teacher and his girlfriend) at a God-awful age but it actually did help me realize to stay away from ‘uncles’ with lewd looks in their eyes even if I was misinterpreting them.
    And about telling her parents, I never did tell my mum about my close shave with that guy, I became outrightly disrespectful to him (RED FLAG for mothers) but my mum could never figure out what happened, Heavens forbid such happens today, I still wouldn’t tell her…Thats just how we are structured in Nigerian families. The only time sex is talked about is when advising against promiscuity (my mum couldn’t even bring herself to do that) as if thats all there is to sex. I have a host of friends that got abused as kids buy strangers and family alike and didn’t even know what was going on.
    As a new generation of African women, we need to take a cue and talk to our kids, let them know about sex and all that it entails….My ‘little dirty mind’ actually morphed into a strong one that could not be tricked into taking her panties off for ANYBODY!!

    • KathyLiberman

      August 8, 2012 at 10:02 pm

      Ikunkun you’ve said it all. All the key points were made.

  41. Mosun

    August 9, 2012 at 1:58 am

    I don’t blame those that call this a fiction instead i’m glad you dont understand bcos it just shows you’ve never been in this kind of situation. People that have been there know what it means to be scared. Probably she was just scared that she would tear the family apart, it won’t just be their fathers not talking, it would be the whole family taking sides in such situation. What about my own case, it was my biological father, came from Europe started arranging visas for my sister and i and during that time he took us to his house and started the touching. I exposed him to my mum bcos she once told me that she had a similar experience. Ehen… what happened? NOTHING!!!! She still allowed us to go with him. On coming here he became worse and kept telling me he’ll give me much money… (can u imagine?) One day i just ran away… called my mum that i ran away bcos of what i had already told her, then i went to the social service and told them he was beating me… didnt want him to be jailed. That was how i left. Till today no apologies from him, but he’s paying big time for it!!! Now i dont blame Clara for not taking the same steps. People are just different.

  42. frank

    August 9, 2012 at 5:37 am

    very sad indeed.my heart goes out to all those suffering a form of abuse or the another
    make mouth-watering income working part-time for a U.S. online firm,mail me @ [email protected] for more info

  43. kelron246

    August 9, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Am touched by dis story n am happy dat u re doin wel 4 urself n believe me God will do more wonders in ur life.bt still i plead wit u 2 tel ur parents,there is nothin like family,no matter wot n God will give u all d strength to over come so dat dey dnt allow any1 pass through wot u passed through.i must confess u re very strong,some people can not pull dis bt u had d strength.let dis man be exposed n God will also expose him as well.jst watch n pray n God will give u d strength 2 tell ur people if nt 4 anytin dey need 2 knw dat it was nt easy 4 u.i wish u success in all,tk care.

  44. Seun

    August 9, 2012 at 10:18 am

    So sad and heart wrenching.

    May God punish that uncle of yours and his wife. May their household be visited with justice – violence, pain, degradation and suffereing.
    May God heal your heart completely – Luke 4:18
    Parents pleaaaase be wife/ Your child will rather die of hunger living with you and receiving your love, rather than suffer in pain in no man’s land. The onus lies on parents – PLS PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM WOLVES IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING.
    GOD HELP US ALL

  45. Seun

    August 9, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Parents pleaaaase be wise. sorry, typo

  46. DFD

    August 9, 2012 at 10:45 am

    I hope the story is a fiction? Right from the first day he touched u didn’t u feel sometin was wrong. Does ur dad touch u like that?
    I hope every1 has learnt from dis including myself that our children should be able to approach and open up 2us no mata d situation dey find themselves in order to prevent such and oda worse tins from happenin.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 9, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      “Right from the first day he touched u didn’t u feel sometin was wrong. Does ur dad touch u like that?”

      Riddle me this, how can a scared child approach you if your attitude reeks of judgement? I mean, come on people. The only subtext I hear from this response and other similar ones above is “well, you should have known better/you should have been wiser”. Really? Really?? Imagine how painful it becomes for the victim to not only be abused BUT ALSO indicted by the people they run to for help or comfort. Naija people, una tire me every damn time… This is why people with a lot of pain live among us & some of them commit suicide when the pain becomes a heavy burden to carry because they can’t even contemplate sharing their story with friends or family. May God have mercy on us all.

  47. cathy

    August 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    you are not alone babe, the good LORD will continue to strengthen you #blessyourheart

  48. oyin

    August 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    the problem we humans have is we judge a lot, I will not open up to you because I know you will judge me, we have heard cases where robbers came to the house raped the wife and the husband judged her by saying she seduced them, if clara as told her father then, I am 90% sure he’ll say she’s lying or she’s an Ogbanje she doesnt wanna bring luck to the family, if you read her story well, you will see the story isnt fresh, a lot of women lost their dignity was abused by their uncles just cause of the fear of raising their voices.
    Even now in the 21th century women are still been rape and abused and over 55% still can’t come out and fight it publicly, they are scared of the stigma and every. its very easy to sit behind our computers and judge.

  49. oyin

    August 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    Ikunkun God bless you, you said it all

  50. Princess of Zion

    August 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Sad to say that this happens a lot! I don’t believe that anyone can take care of your children better than you; unless you are unable to! Parents, be open with your kids and discuss sex, sexuality and abuse with them. Maybe its because my mother grew up in England but she discussed this with us at a very early age and told me what was inappropriate and told us to tell her if such things ever happened! Don’t let your kids be afraid of you; you’re meant to be their friend/protector!

    Please, men, women, boys, girls, never suffer in silence! Be it, physical or sexual abuse! Tell someone and report it! My nephew was in our house when a visitor’s son tried to abuse him, my mother who is so protective kept checking on them and felt suspicious, the boy tried to barricade the door but she tore it open and what she saw, she immediately walked both boys out to the mother of the boy who was totally ashamed! At least she was aware of what her son did and could now nip it in the bud! Other parents may be ashamed but my mum brought it out to the open and spoke to her grandson, NEVER EVER allow such violation again!

    BE OPEN with your kids, make them feel safe! Children, please someone is always willing to listen and help, just speak up!

    http://www.princessofzion.wordpress.com

  51. Princess of Zion

    August 10, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    To the victim of this story, I am very sad to hear what you went through! It was very evil and unfair for him to do that! May the Lord heal, restore, comfort and strengthen you. It is well with you dear!

    http://www.princessofzion.wordpress.com

  52. ose

    August 16, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    OMG!!! am so sorry. It is well. i know that God would give you so much joy in ur life dat this horrible past wld be totally forgotten. it is well. And as for the “uncle” may God be d judge ……..

  53. Ona

    August 16, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    Why didn’t she call the police? And how did she get back into the country is she was sent back by her uncle? Im assuming he meant to leave her there so he probably took back her visa? How did she manage to secure another one/ pay for the plane tickets etc especially if she didn’t tell her parents what happened? I dunno…there is so many questions going on in my head. The abuse part is very believable and happens more often than we think but there are holes in the overall story.

  54. Clara

    August 20, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    I am baffled by some of these replies, some are encouraging and some others are just out of their minds. Some of you who have said she should have gone to the authorities, do you know how hard it is to have absolutely no one to call on in a strange land? Do you understand the fear and stigma this brings upon the victim. My heart beats just writting this. DO you understand the need to support your family, being the bread winner and having everyone else look up to you? some children in our society today grow up today with no confidantes,they talk to on one cos no one talks to them. They just keep things to themselves cos they were not brought up to speak up. Is it no possible that to cut her long story short for printing sake, that the victim might have tried to get help but maybe got turned away due to her status in the country. Is it not possible that she even told someone but her uncle covered it all up. Those who judge, pray you never fall into any difficulty in life. I encourage all to learn to speak for themselves, educate yourselves and become knownleadgeable in the things of this life that no one can take advantage of you. Stay blessed.

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