Aunty Bella: Ms. I Got Pregnant & My “Husband” Disappeared…

Aunty Bella SadAunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.
We got this email this morning and while we have advised *Mercy to pursue legal avenues, hopefully the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

My name is *Mercy, I am from Imo State in Nigeria though I live in Europe and my supposed husband lives in England.
I was contracted by his sister in 2005 to marry him because he asked her to search for a wife for him, at the time, he said that “London girls are not wife material“.

Since 2005, we have been dating. We would have phone s*x and did a lot of other things until 2011. In March 2011, I lost my mummy. After my mother’s funeral, *Chike came to visit me he said he was sorry over my mother’s demise. He got a job in the European city where I live and told me he was finally going to marry me and that he loves me.

We made love in August up till the day he left to London on the 6th of September 2011. During the 1st week of October 2011, I realised I was pregnant. I immediately informed him and my dear sister. Since October 2011 until this very day as I write I have not heard from him.

I became pregnant in October and I gave birth in June 2012.

Please advice me on what to do. Apparently,  he has switched his cell phones and turned his homephone lines off. I also have his home address, which I do not know if he still resides there. I kept a low profile, hiding my pregnancy from my family because I thought he was going to change his mind.

But it appears he is married with children and that’s actually his reason of hiding. I was advised to contact you to help me publish my sad story on your blog and beg anyone who knows his where about to come out. I will provide you with his numbers, photos name etc…  if you sincerely wish to publish my news.  (Editor’s NoteWe have advised *Mercy not to publish his name online but to pursue legal avenues in the UK)

I have gone through loads, I only breastfed his kid 3 months because I had to resume work, all I need from him is child support to help me raise his child.

I humbly await your reply.


Please share any valueable advice with *Mercy
Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

62 Comments on Aunty Bella: Ms. I Got Pregnant & My “Husband” Disappeared…
  • inspire February 2, 2013 at 11:05 am

    She should see the silver linning in the sky…he can go but she would survive. It is what she does with her today that would determine how tomorrow would be.

  • her February 2, 2013 at 11:13 am

    hello Mercy sorry to hear about this trouble you’re going through… have you tried contacting his “supposedly” sister that introduced you to him in the first place?

    • u.S.o February 3, 2013 at 10:41 am

      ..very Nice Question.
      However one thing i know is that the child will be a great person…watch this space.

      usaveone . blogspot . com

    • mawa February 6, 2013 at 2:50 pm

      This is a typical case of ‘One chance’. Sorry Ma!

  • Charity ukeme February 2, 2013 at 11:17 am

    He z so heartless,just 4get abt him n move on wit ur life may d Lord be wit u.

  • Mama February 2, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Pllllllsssss name and shame the idiot!!
    Why should she not publish his name and photos??? Naija sha!! Giving bad advise. He is heartless and his wife needs to know. For all we know this is what this guy goes around doing… “serial belley giver”

    • tokunbo February 2, 2013 at 12:32 pm

      I totally agree with u! Name and shame the goat!

    • nehita February 2, 2013 at 2:07 pm

      looooooool@ serial belly giver!!

    • sj February 2, 2013 at 8:59 pm

      pls y the bitterness my dear sister?! you and i know that you are most probably in a worse situation…so abeg, stop throwing stones and grow up.
      Mercy, BN have given u the best advice. God is the Father to the Fatherless!

  • StephanieIj February 2, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Hi Mercy, sorry to hear about your plight.
    I think you should contact his sister by all means. I don’t even understand her but maybe he got married after she introduced you guys. Maybe it’s even for permanent papers so he doesn’t want new wifey to know about you and the baby at all.

    Then again he might just be a wicked weakling. Whatever the case you have to make sure you let him know you have a baby for him so that he doesn’t feign ignorance after you take the legal route.

    Lastly start getting used to the idea that you would raise this child alone.

    Cheers dear..xx

  • Nkem February 2, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Please where is the sister that introduced you to him? I guess you guys are friends at least for her to have match made you guys? Call her she should know where he brother is

  • joicee February 2, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    The guy is a wicked soul, pls move on with ur life

    Im might get roasted for this , but its okay…ladies dont give it up for nobody without protecton against diseases and unwanted pregnancies before he has officially put a ring on it for real for real.

    • lolo February 2, 2013 at 8:55 pm

      u shouldnt get roasted, let others learn the fact of life. until that ring is on the finger, and he has done right by you, by meeting your parents and so on, protect ur self if u must to lash. i have seen too many cases of this, so no excuses for me. seems everybody is in love until a baby comes and they have to step up. that sister that hooked u up, u have to contact her. i also advise going to ladun or linda’s blog, let them name and shame that mofo, its a child we r talkin abt here

  • CHi Baby February 2, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    What a sad story! First, get his pictures published online to help us identify Him. I happen to know someone who is likely to be this deceitful and a**hole is here in London. It would also be of help to his wife; to know the cheater she married. Blow his a** babe.

  • abi February 2, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    please what kind of soft landing advise are you ppl giving her? Abeg, she had unprotected sex with a man who had not shown any serious commitment towards marrying her and y’all are blaming only the guy? She set up herself for it o! She doesnt know his house, parents, anything?! Even the sister that match-made them sounds like a loose acquaintance. The guy only took her for a mugu. In any case the milk is spilt, no use crying. Find the sister if you can, check out the address you have for him and try to get him to be responsible for his kid. If you dont find him, chin up, look up to God, work hard and take care of ur kid. Wish you the best.

    • Neoma February 2, 2013 at 1:31 pm

      you suppose to give her advice and not talk as if you are HIM.. Will not be suprise if you are the man. Abi, you don give woman belle.. 2HISS2.. This things happen in most igbo land, seems she was naive. But, the good Lord will judge him. If not for anything, he should be able to assist her raise his own blood.

      • ant February 2, 2013 at 2:00 pm

        @abi, thank you o. This is the best piece of advice I see on here. As unfortunate as your story is, remember you are an adult. When you have unsafe sex, getting pregnant is one of the potential consequences. the guy don disappear – move on with your life if you can`t find him. You should realise by now that he had no intentions of marrying you and you likely will raise this child without his input. Pele, but wake up!
        I don`t know what @Neoma is talking about.

      • chinaz February 3, 2013 at 12:04 am

        bia neoma park well before you say this happens in most igbo land, this has nothing to do with place or tribe, a true igbo man would usually marry you before you give birth so that child is not termed bastard and disinherited by virtues of tradition because since the child is born out of wedlock , the child belongs to the womans people ( unless the man comes and claims the child traditionally by bringing what ever the kingsmen( woman’s people askes for)) and not the paternal father-by igbo tradition. Dna has nothing to do with whose surname the child bears, as long as the child is born out of wedlock, the mothers people have the right traditionally to keep the child. Now i will scold u my dear for opening your legs for a man that didnt pay your bride price ( dont live a european life and expect a traditional nigerian way of doing the right thing). The best thing she can do is contact his sister( which i doubt is his real sister), and ask him to come do dna test. Now he can chose to sign away his right as the father if the child is his, and therefore would have nothing to do with either mother or child, again this is uk, and uk if yall dont know might let traditional laws win, in that the man can claim the child and train the child and have nothing( even giving her money) to do with the mother. To all the women out there who are getting introduced to men by their so called “sisters( who are most likely not their real sisters) if you carry belle na your cross. After all you live in the uk and not naija, there is aid for single mothers, plus you work. One other thing am beginning to loathe is how nigerians are coping the western world in having children out of wedlock and flaunting it like no bodies business, People we have a culture that is protected and has morals, not some play play thing. s for taking him to court, it depends on if he is the father.

  • abi February 2, 2013 at 1:03 pm


  • Dlapikin February 2, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    He obviously does not want you nor the baby; So what are you ganna do when you find him? what is the point? just head to england and take his lying ass to court. He can never hide from then and when things will start getting hot for him there he will come begging you.

  • NK’S PASSIONS February 2, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    I ‘ve Always say this and will say it again!! Men like Chike will wake up one morning and they are 70yrs old, their wives have left them and their Kids couldn’t less about them..they will be wondering what they have done wrong!!
    Just move on with ur life dear, time does heal wounds *sighs*

    • Purpleicious Babe February 2, 2013 at 11:19 pm

      sorry can I just interject that, men like him will prolly wake up one day with their wives still their sides and their kids too.

      Trust, people do stuff (we dont know their intentions)….

      I think she should take BN advice. Pls next time use wisdom. for real?

    • Purpleicious Babe February 2, 2013 at 11:25 pm

      sorry can I just interject, that men like him will prolly wake up one day with their wives still by their sides and their kids too. Do you know the amount of men that do such rubbish, confess their sins, change their character and wives still there? Or better still, the ones the wives knows and doesn’t care, whats her own? As long as he is providing for the family. My point is? people do crappy stuff, its up to the individual if they chose to entertain it. In this case, she did.

      I strongly advocate she should take BN advice. Pls next time use wisdom.

      • Wendy February 3, 2013 at 9:24 am

        hian!!! have you not heard that what you sow you reap??? Personal e.g right here…
        My Grandpa was a good looking player player when he was young…now he’s in his eighties…none of his wives or concubines want to stay/live with him because they feel no loyalty towards him…all his kids (18 of them) are all grown and gone, and each of them take turns with taking their mothers in…na so so househelp my mum & other siblings dey find for “Baba”… in his case, he took most of his kids in and educated them hence to an outsider he might seem successful(and he is a very active high chief in our town)…but he is reaping what he put all those women through, he is a very LONELY man…
        my sister people say life is short but I say it just might be long!! and a long and painful one it will be if you have sown bad seeds…so to avoid stories that touch like the one above, let us walk with care….

  • Shutup February 2, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Bella Naija is a responsible site and therefore can not publish the name…. No offense intended, but what if Mercy is just some bitter ex, or a hater trying to ruin the man’s name out of simple spite or bitterness? Or what if she is permiscuous and the guy is not even the father etc? I’m not saying that the above is the case and that Mercy is a liar…but what if? You must always respect an individuals privacy and hear two sides of the story… Do you want Bella Naija to be done for Libel? SMH and KMT (Loud)

    • Neoma February 2, 2013 at 2:16 pm

      this is emmanuel

    • Sharrap February 2, 2013 at 2:31 pm

      If he is not sure, then he should demand for a DNA test!! Hiding won’t help him. If you feel she’s making up story, O well, let her publish his name, photos and his baby pics, so we see!!

  • Mz Socially Awkward…. February 2, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    At everyone saying that she should move on, I don’t think it’s fair for her to raise that child on her own. The man may not want a new wife but he sure as heck needs to be responsible for his new child. Mercy needs to get the mo’fo to pay up and I would give the same advice that BN has given – take it up with legal authorities in England if you can, since you’ve got his name (or I hope it’s his real name) and whatever other details which can identify him. Do your research first though, just go online and find out all you need to know about how UK law responds to these things before you start expending resources. Find out what government agencies in England handle these matters and call to get advice from them on how to proceed.

    And his sister may not see things the same way that you do so please, don’t hinge your hopes on her getting her brother to do the right thing. Yes, she may prove a good ally but don’t totally rely on her support, just so you don’t get disappointed if she turns against you. I pray it goes well for you and your baby.

    • Dlapikin February 2, 2013 at 7:14 pm

      Ok so do you think his wife wants to raise their children on her own either? If this guy had any intention of taking care of that kid he would have stuck around. So she is gonna find him and then what? He is gonna leave his pre-existing family and lawfully wedded wife because she does not want to raise the child alone? Trust me, she goes to court, she sues him for paternity, child support and whatever she can for the deception he put in play, the police and court system will do the rest for her. When men like such won’t own up to their responsibilities it is absolutely pointless to chase them in the name of “I don’t want to raise the child alone” because all he will do is preventing you from making your life with someone new and then dupe you even more without ever doing what you brought them back in your life for : Taking care of their child! You will have a kid that is confused and feels rejected by their dad. So moving on doesn’t mean that she should let him go scuff free but rather that she should change gear. When you personally go out there seeking for someone on the internet and calling people that means you want to bargain with them, when you have moved on, you don’t just have time for the bullshit. Let him face the music because as it is she will raise that child alone, the only thing she has the power to decide now is how.

      • Mz Socially Awkward…. February 2, 2013 at 11:42 pm

        Heavens, did you read what I wrote at all? Where did I say anything about chasing anyone’s lawfully wedded wife away from her own home? I said he “needs to be responsible for his new child”, which means a lot more than being a token male at home to call Papa.

        Yes, she’ll move on with life as she knows it now but he should be a part of raising the child. It’s a massive undertaking for a woman on her own to raise a child especially when she lives in another country, far away from the valuable family support she could have received if she was near her own family; and indeed, she’s as responsible for that baby as whater-his-name-is but he shouldn’t be allowed to get away “scuff free” (as you put it) without committing his own share of resources to his child’s welfare. That is why I’ve adviced her to take advantage of a system that’s effective because I’ve seen this very same scenario unfold in Nigeria and those women got nothing from the men involved as the legal system there doesn’t offer any assured means of getting child welfare.

  • femmelounge February 2, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    were they married with eveidence to prove it in court? does she know any of his family members or even friends that she can contact? has she considered going to london or sending a relative to look for him or his sister? He needs to be tracked down, it may be hard but with support of friends and family it is possible.

  • GreenDiamond February 2, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    He was luking for a wife and u guys dated for 6 years ahan! And no marriage btw den u sef!!.. Anyway who am I to judge.. Ask your sister now.. Bella she is clearly not luking for advice but luking for d father of her child!!…I hope u find him

  • BlackMagic babe February 2, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    If you can’t publish the name and the photo,BN why bother us really?

    • Let them say February 2, 2013 at 7:45 pm

      I guess you want to help her look for him, right?

  • Glam February 2, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    If there was no kid involved then moving on would have been totally advisable. This dude needs to handle his responsibility, my advice is same as BN, seek legal action for child support et al and after that please sue him for emotional distress.

    • Chai pimple catch me for eyebrow!! February 3, 2013 at 9:31 am

      Hooo!! if the guy is dead who she wan take to court….abeg it’s best for her to imagine him dead and start or is it continue her life….she even dey europe sef…my mama wey my papa die leave 5 young pikins for that crazy 9ja nko…shey na God, my dead papa or na death she been wan follow fight??
      long and short of the story, she is strong enough to take care of her pikin, she just has to reach within to find that strength…(cliche I know…)

  • yoyo February 2, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Whats up with the anonymity? if the woman cannot take care of her kid alone and needs support clearly legal fees would be tough for her. In England legal fees are high..besides i doubt there is a system solely for the purpose of fishing out men that impregnates a woman in an european country. she doesnt even know how to trace him by herself so how will anyone help her? clearly she doesnt have enough info and probably doesnt even have the right info. Bella naija should publish the name and picture of this guy. Someone will definitely know who he is. its time we start using such platforms to help and empower other women…especially the helpless ones.

    If the man gets fished out and does a paternity test then we can take it from there. thats the only way anyone can help this woman and get results. All the prayers and extra advice will not put food on her and her childs table.

  • February 2, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    because ino obidi oyibo, ona inwero mmadu? kedu ka iji rapu onwe gi aka, ituli ime ma ijuro ese? and oburo na ibu obele nwa wee kpaa udi agwa di otua, bia na-ebelu mmadu akwa ebea. Choalibanu onye ya enyeli aka. Pls go and pray do God will give u strength and accept the fact that u now a single mom and look for his pple. His pple shld know you have a child.

    This thing pain me gan. I have a friend that was almost decvd like this, but thank God she wasn’t pregnant. NEVER MARRY A MAN IF U DON’T KNOW HIS FAMILY. WISDOM IS PROFITABLE TO DIRECT.


    • nimavibes February 3, 2013 at 6:11 pm

      amenoooo…. i so agree with you. It is always wise to know a man’s family before you agree for him so just in case things go array u can have someone to go to to vent. But check this, one of my family friend went home to gh and also promised to marry a girl in netherlands. Now the babe come carry belle, but the guy was married and traveled a lot and all she knew was that he was a business man. A few years ago the girl goes to a gh independence day picnic and comes with her 4 year old son, and a woman saw her and said the boy looked like her oldest son when he was young. That is how they figured it out after they got talking. The woman then found out that the man had been detained in china for drug trafficking and is facing prison times and that his wife had moved on without him. So Mercy you never know wetin happen to the guy, maybe him self dey for prison. or don get deported. I tell african men who come abroad and have children and run away, remember no matter what the mother has done to offend you, that child is your blood and will grow up one day and might be a a borack obama. You might need them in the future more than they needed you.

    • camo February 5, 2013 at 3:08 pm

      Lol! your igbo comments were hilarous. Biko juolum dat girl ma o bu na onwero mmadu?

  • Nice Anon February 2, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    How are we supposed to help apprehend the absconded father if his name is protected? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of this post to begin with?

  • lonimee February 2, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    buh why are some men so wicked?

    • u.S.o February 3, 2013 at 10:49 am

      …Becoz some women fall so cheap with their ‘eyes’ instead of their ‘heads’.

      usaveone . blogspot . com

  • ID February 2, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    “Mercy” lives in Europe (she doesn’t mention what country) and the guy lives in England so this situation is not a tough one. Either hire a lawyer or google the nearest court in your area. Walk in there and say you’re trying to get child support from the father of your child. They’ll likely direct you to children’s services and that will start a whole wave of links to finding the man and getting financial support to raise your child. Unless you really have the financial means to do it properly, please do everything to get this man to pay for his child’s welfare. It’s not fair to the child to have to live on peanuts because mum didn’t want to fight for what rightfully belongs to the kid. All the best! (Assuming you’re a real person…can’t help but wonder if this is a fake story)

  • ij February 2, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    this story is not complete oh, i would have thought that the very sister that introduced u guys would have been your number one person to contact, if you have been dating since 2005 then surely you must know one or two friends or other members of his family that can be contacted .
    You might need to call Citizens Advice Bureau in England if you are sure that’s where he is , I’m not sure what help they can offer but if all else fails on the family and friends side , then they could at least point you in the right direction.

  • Naomi February 2, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    Move on! Yes, easier said than done, BUT can be DONE! (Cry all the crying, then pick yourself up)

    YOU look after your child, don’t wait on someone else. Bring your child up the best way possible, and enjoy motherhood, it could have been worse. You’ve been blessed with something some women can only dream for.

    God is your strength. YOLO!:D

  • ibukungeorge February 3, 2013 at 12:12 am

    First is she legal in Europe.If she is -walk to the nearest court.Get his pictures and by jove whether he likes it or not he will pay for child support.Ladies easy on it.Everybody makes mistakes .we not saying he should leave his wife and family,he should rather take up the responsiblility(Afterall he did “kerewawa”he should take up the responsibility)My advice contact the sister just once and tell her the situation but you still need to contact a lawyer.His name and address is enough.Its well with you dear.

  • NNENNE February 3, 2013 at 3:50 am

    abi… You are very much on point! Your advice is the best.

  • deebubu February 3, 2013 at 6:01 am

    considering she came to BN and is willing to have his name and address published, Its possible that she cant use any other means , she may even be an illegal immigrant in her country of residence, that may be why she hasnt pursued a lawsuit or visited child services.

  • Joyce February 3, 2013 at 6:36 am

    1. Go to his house now! Go with a frined in case trouble breaks out.
    2. Hire a privatae investigator. The PI should be able to use his cell/home numbers to get more information about him. e.g. where he lives and works. It comes with a price, but it is doable.
    3. Make life difficult for the so-called sister. Get your family to visit her every weekend until she discloses where her brother is.
    4. Next time, snoop, spy, drop by on the guy unannounced at times. You have to let these men know that you have a little bit of crazy in you.

  • Jay February 3, 2013 at 6:54 am

    A very sad story but I can’t get over the fact that one would have UNPROTECTED SEX with a stranger that “according to what I understood” he/she were only phone dating. From this behaviour, you just come to know that he probably has multiple unprotected sexual encounters. You would be lucky if you dint download any viruses from his system. On that note, his wife has to know that her husband is exposing her to all sorts of Trojan. So I say, expose him, pictures, name, etc.

    Coming back to the problem at hand, Dear mercy a baby is always a gift so dust the dirt off your shoulder and move on. Even if you find him today, keep the baby away from Him.
    After all you don’t need such a horrid person around your child.

  • pynk February 3, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Hopefully she even knows his legal name at this point. I think with the level of dishonesty among Nigerians, women should just keep their legs closed and stop allowing them to use them for one chance.
    She needs to call his sister and notify his family back in Nigeria. That guy doesnt want to take care of the child, but at least letting his family know the truth will somewhat set her free. Same as her family, they might not have much, but might be able to offer her some help while she gets her life together.

  • LD February 3, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Its really a sad story,one of millions out there. Here’s my advise Mercy,contact d so called sister asap n save ur resources n strength in raising ur bundle of joy. Its clear bros doesn’t want anything 2 do with you. I know easier said,but forget d wicked soul. God be with u n ur child

  • Cusco February 3, 2013 at 8:56 am

    First of all…. This is a pathetic case. I sympathize with mercy and it is well. But we must not neglect the lessons. Most People abroad are always quick to jump into marriage or at any marriage proposal becos of so many factors like they can never get another nigerian or Gud guy., time is ticking on them. It is okay to match make but what is not really okay is not knowing the partner well enough. At least start with family, know his/her family, peradventure anything goes wrong. Mercy should go back to the “sister ” that did the match make, she has some info on him.

  • Jane Meadows February 3, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Have your baby and move on with your life. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Soon. enough you will meet the right man who will love you and your child.

  • Temitope Adewoye February 3, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Move On with your life

  • Omotee February 3, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    While I sympathise with u, u need some tough love now.
    So after hunting him down (suppose u get lucky), what joy would u derive from begging or fighting an irresponsible man to do his duties? My guess is someone who doesnt want to be the father of ur child will not easily agree to taking up responsibilities. I know it’s hard but pick ur self up. Take care of ur child and u. One day things will look up for u and ur child when grown will thank u for being there. Focus on the important things for now. When u bounce back, trust me, he’ll be delivered into ur hands so easily.

    Meanwhile, it will be totally irresponsible of BN to post his picture. Na she be police? He will so sue her and all of u will be saying one stupid eh yah.

  • Tosin February 3, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    People like him usually regret their foolish ways when they’re old. You need to woman up and take care of your baby. And also sue (shebi it’s abroad?) for him to pay his share. 419 guy.

  • alwayshappy February 4, 2013 at 12:04 am

    lol…..true i agree with #joyce…..if enough women show they got a lil bit of crazy about them, the less likely this awoof freelance belley givers go dey do randy stuff . In this case Mercy, leave the man to Karma……cause thats the only true justice that will haunt him down without name, address, dna or the courts. Being the responsible and respectable single mama you have become, notify his sister and his relatives whom you know say their pickin dey with you , so when the orangotan is ready to meet his child they know how to reach you. You remember dem say God be the father to the fatherless, have faith and pray to God to provide all your needs and he sure will, he’s the only one that’ll never dissapoint. Go on and be a fabulous single mama, in good health, in good spirits and with Godspeed , and don’t write yourself off you may just be a single mama turned Mrs….at God’s own appointed time. Count your blessings… and it sure sounds like you have a whole lot.

  • Gimmer February 5, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Women and their whorish tendencies sha. Next time close your legs

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