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Toolz’ Thoughts: The Back Up Plan

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A recent dinner out with friends turned into a heated debate that I ended up having to referee. The topic? Whether it’s okay to have a ‘back-up’ or not. To protect their identities, and most importantly to make sure said friends don’t rip me to shreds when this gets published, I’ll call them ‘Funke’ and ‘Stephanie’.

So Stephanie is a hopeless romantic, and thinks once you are in a serious relationship, you should be 110% committed to that person, have faith things will work out, and get rid of your ‘in case this doesn’t work outs’ and ‘in case of emergencies’ – essentially you should put all your eggs in that one basket and not have a back-up plan. However, Funke (the realist/pessimist in our group) thinks that until there’s a ring on your finger, you should always have a back-plan.

According to Stephanie, having a ‘back-up’ takes away from your focus, which should be solely on your relationship. If things don’t work out – you grieve if you have to, pick yourself up, move on and start dating again. There’s no need to always have a guy on standby because rebounds rarely work out anyways.

Funke, on the other hand, was adamant that any smart woman in this day and age should know that almost all guys mess around, so you need to spread your net (excuse the pun) a bit wider and be ready to sort through the bad to find the perfect guy.

As the debate/argument continued I realised that both of them had very valid points. Let me start with Funke – we all have that friend, aunty or even a parent that says ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket o, make sure you have options’. It’s advice that I’ve been given before, and in Funke’s case advice she wished she had listened to. Funke had been dating – let’s call him Femi for about 3 years and was quietly praying and hanging in there for a ring. On their 4th year anniversary, frustration got the best of Funke and she ended up telling Femi that if he had no plans to propose to her within the next year they should end things. He said fine, and they broke up. What Funke wasn’t expecting was that Femi would have a new girlfriend in just a few weeks. (The new girlfriend was Femi’s ‘very close’ work colleague). Needless to say Funke was devastated and was borderline suicidal when they got engaged a few months later. After investigating diligently like an FBI agent on a murder case, Funke found out that Femi’s new girlfriend had been on the scene for a little while now. I wasn’t aware of her investigations till she sent me a message saying ‘Angela (Femi’s new girlfriend) was his back up!’ Two years on, Funke is still quite sore about the Femi/Angela issue, and is convinced that she was stupid for not having a ‘back-up’ herself.

As I continued to referee the debate/argument, I realised that I still wasn’t sure who to agree/disagree with – Funke’s ‘contingency plan’ did kinda make sense, but wait, what are the ‘back-up’ plan rules? How long into a relationship should you hold on to your back-up? If your ‘back-up’ finds someone else, do you shop for another? Most importantly what should the relationship be like with the ‘back-up’? As Stephanie later pointed out: It’s almost impossible to keep the ongoing relationship between you and a ‘back-up’ platonic. How many guys are would be ok staying in the ‘Let me just keep you here in case this doesn’t work out’ zone with no ‘physical contact’?
I asked some work colleagues, and got some very interesting answers.

One said: As a woman you should always have other options, even when you are in a serious relationship – for your ego and to keep your man on his toes. Guys can be quite absentminded, and forget that their woman needs to be complimented by them. So you need to have your ‘hummers’ – the guys that buzz around you and boost your ego…but never sleep with them.

Another said: Have a back-up or two but never ever let your man find out!
After thinking about it on the way home, I found myself agreeing more with Stephanie, as Funke’s philosophy of dating someone and keeping someone else happy in the ‘back-up’ zone seems quite exhausting and messy.

The author Mark Twain famously said:
Put all your eggs in one basket and then watch that basket!
Do you agree with him? Do you think Stephanie or Funke is right? Should you always have a ‘back-up’ guy/girl or not?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ToolzO is an award-winning on-air personality who currently presents ‘The Midday Show with Toolz’ on the Beat 99.9FM, the Juice for Ndani TV and X-Factor West Africa. You can find out more about Toolz by visiting www.ToolzO.net.

ToolzO is an award-winning on-air personality who currently presents ‘The Midday Show with Toolz’ on the Beat 99.9FM (Lagos), 'Afrobeat News' on Capital Xtra (UK) and Ndani TV’s The Juice on DSTV Africa Magic Entertainment. You can find out more about Toolz by visiting www.ToolzO.net and @ToolzO on Twitter and Instagram.

142 Comments

  1. iwalewa

    August 7, 2013 at 8:59 am

    victim of this situation, i seriously concur with the back-up plan thing. Once bitten 20 times shy

    1
    • Noni

      August 9, 2013 at 12:52 am

      That’s slightly worrying., It’s unfortunate that you’ve been hurt but seriously? If a guy isn’t good enough to be your no 1 then why is he good enough to spend the rest of your life with? We have only 1 life people, choose your partner wisely and don’t settle for second best.

      I don’t have a back up plan and no matter what happens I won’t regret it. If you’re just dating then have as many guys on the go as you want but as soon as you get to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, face your lane.

      1
  2. Hurperyermie

    August 7, 2013 at 9:11 am

    as for me i will rather put all my eggs in one basket and hand it over to God than to have a back up and now look cheat after getting to know both of them know each other cos i have seen such before they are not in the same location but both guys knew each other

    1
    • maria

      August 7, 2013 at 1:56 pm

      really hand it over to God? when did God become an egg keeper? it will do you like film trick

      1
    • MT

      August 10, 2013 at 6:51 am

      I’ve heard you ask this question twice and I’m glad to answer you… YES! The God that me I know is an egg keeper. I’m an egg in His hand. My own prayer is that God will break every useless rotten egg that comes my way and connect me with my perfect match.

      The problem is that we believe there is one God somewhere but He’s too busy to be interested in our affairs even in one as major as getting married… Marriage (as designed by God) is beyond you and me and our human calculation and you should entrust it to no one else but him. Even your own heart will deceive you. Bible sef don talk am.

      A wise somebody said “You need to be so hidden in God that anyone that wants to reach you needs to go through Him”. Please save yourself the heartache and manipulation and let God write your story. I’ll take a film trick written by Him over my own stunting anyday anytime! Please don’t underestimate Him like that again.

      1
    • Pizzazz

      August 13, 2013 at 10:59 pm

      I really like MT’s reply. Honestly, don’t ever underestimate God like that again. Why would you say is God an egg keeper? A stream that forgets its source will dry up, a person who thinks he/she can do it by his/herself will end up with regrets.
      How would you feel if you found out that your partner had a back-up plan or all you were in someone’s life was their own back-up plan? And please how many back-up plans do you plan to have? Cause while you are at it, back-up plans will find their real plans and your own main plan may just dump you.
      Please change your mentality.
      Marriage is really about trust and believing the best of your spouse.

      1
    • Funmi

      August 7, 2013 at 2:42 pm

      As long as there is no sex involved there shouldn’t be any issue……this is the reason why there should be no sex before marriage……..it is for our own good and dignity……this is possible and God will help us. Even if you’ve done it before you can close your lap from now on till the right man come through

      1
  3. Hurperyermie

    August 7, 2013 at 9:12 am

    i mean cheap

    1
  4. NAIJA 4 LIFE

    August 7, 2013 at 9:18 am

    LOL, HIV AIDS IS REAL.

    1
    • maria

      August 7, 2013 at 1:58 pm

      that is why there is something called condom. if you have more than on partner use condom and at this age even if you have one partner and you are not married use condom

      1
  5. Anita....

    August 7, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Toolz….this article of your’s is coming at a time when im seriously considering the ” back-up” thing.im considering it because these days anything can happen and that trusted loved one can turn around and do you strong thing!
    However,i have been used as someones’s back-up and it was not fun for me at all. Though it pays to be smart and always watch your back,i dont think it should be done at the expense of other peoples feelings.

    1
    • maria

      August 7, 2013 at 2:04 pm

      to be sincere back up plan is a good idea, i have been a back up plan without knowing it, thinking i was the original girlfriend until i saw wedding invitation and my name was not the brides, it hurts and then you wish you had a plan too. at least i wish i did but sorry for me i didn’t. so my sister you really dont have to sleep with your backup and your boyfriend really dont have to know him or her. he can just be an admirer, that takes you out once in a while someone you just hang with you know he likes you but you keep him on his toes he thinks he has a chance and you leave him skeptical.

      1
    • Bee

      August 11, 2013 at 12:41 pm

      Hi Maria, How long will you have this backup for? What about if you are his backup too? Will your backup know you have a steady boyfriend? Am very sure this backup will not be too dumb to be your admirer for 3 to 4 years or even longer.

      1
    • Emperor

      August 20, 2013 at 11:23 am

      For how long can you resist a man from having sex with you? In life. You live and you learn. You can’t be smater than yourself.

      1
  6. pynk

    August 7, 2013 at 9:22 am

    i think the problem is deception. A lot of people cannot simply be upfront about many things. Immediate gratitude. If you carry multiple people along, you will probably never know the person who is the major person thoroughly. If marriage is simply your end goal, then by all means keep multiple baskets – but lest you fall into the trap of being defined by this.

    1
  7. bella

    August 7, 2013 at 9:25 am

    heyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! my case was exactly like that of funke ooo,for 8years,Mr lekan – did not say anything,he said am even choking him,he was not ready to marry and was also not ready to leave me,until when i told him my piece of mind in June 2011,he called it quit in first week in July 2011 and got married first week in august 2011,fortunately he got married to a lady who knows very well that we have bin dating for long,which indirectly she s my friend. will u now preach to me now not to have 4 back ups invariably. anyway ooo,am engaged now to get married very soon to the glory of God,i don wise up as well which means………………i get back up 4 real.
    its all these guys dat push ladies to actually do what they dont want to do,imagine bin 8years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gosh……………… its crasy

    1
    • GRAYCE

      August 9, 2013 at 2:16 pm

      I hope u are not complaining because why the heck would u date a guy for 8 years? and he doesnt propose..I just dont get it

      1
  8. Kiks

    August 7, 2013 at 9:38 am

    BACK UP!! You do back up your data, dont you? Most people have back up plans when it comes to events/situations in their lives. Even in the days of our mothers, they used to have multiple suitors, thta would propose marriage, and would end up choosing the best option! Why should our own be different? Most men have back up plans, be there doing I’m better than that, I’m a good person, I will put my basket in the hands of God…..oshi! Like we all know, GOOD GIRLS FINISH LAST. Shikena

    1
    • bellastrada

      August 7, 2013 at 10:03 am

      @kiks, dats #lobatan#…………………….. don’t mind them,good girl my foot.

      1
    • AMAA

      August 7, 2013 at 10:38 am

      Any man that is comfortable has a job and shelter and is dating a girl for more than 1 year and has not proposed is not serious dump him please. Men usually take about 6 months to make up their minds on if they want to spend the rest of their lives with a woman they are dating,it is usually a woman who dilidals . Unless ther are cultural issues involved and the couple are trying to wait it out. Mind you there was no courtship in the bible or quaran so all this long dating gives a man the idea its ok to enjoy the things of marriage without putting a ring on it.

      1
    • maria

      August 7, 2013 at 2:12 pm

      thank you oh i dont know maybe God is an Egg keeper it was back in the days they say “the last person to eat gets the best” or ” he who laughs last laughs best” now the last to eat will sleep hungry and he who laughs last just didn’t get the joke if you dont have back up your system will crash and all data will be lost

      1
  9. Sir Farouk

    August 7, 2013 at 9:41 am

    As much as having a back up sounds like the logical thing to do, it is unfair to the person being kept as a back up. On the other hand, I think you should have friends of the opposite sex with whom you get along with and could possibly see yourself with if the situation arises but while you are in a relationship you should keep such friends at a distance, focus at least 90% on your relationship and remain strictly friendly with the other person if you break up with your current it is no guarantee that things will work out with this “back up”

    1
    • chynwa

      August 7, 2013 at 2:46 pm

      itreally is unfair… u read ma [email protected] kip being friendly tho but do focus on your relationship. wots d point of the ‘back up’confusion

      1
    • GRAYCE

      August 9, 2013 at 2:15 pm

      out of everybody here, u are the one who has said the smartest thing! where are you from Farouk? so smart!others don’t think..i is sweeting them to say have back up…I hope it’s just as nice when they’re back up..such a silly idea

      1
  10. deep

    August 7, 2013 at 9:44 am

    The only way to be an honest society is to be an honest individual. If you want to go around cynical and never trusting that a person means you well, you will live your life in constant anxiety and find yourself doing that which you even condemn. Trust wholeheartedly but be logical BEFORE putting your heart into it. And if the person still ends up dishonoring that trust, then THEIR loss, not yours. They are the ones that will never know what it feels like to be true to God and man.
    All this back up nonsense is nothing but mind games. Free yourself of the madness. There are wonderful and honest men and women out there. You also be one!

    1
    • Iris

      August 7, 2013 at 9:57 am

      THANK YOU! I think the problem is that a lot of people forget that everything does not end at the wedding. If a man is heartless enough and useless enough to marry another woman weeks after he’s ended things with you, the person you should be feeling sorry for is the new wife (unless she too is shining her eyes) because obviously he’s not going to be faithful and in my opinion, even though thankfully there are drugs and things, STD is still a more serious condition than spinsterhood. What makes people think all this backing up and cynicism will suddenly end after you get married? He too can have a back up for the days he thinks you’ll nag him at home and then you start screaming about infidelity.

      1
    • GRAYCE

      August 9, 2013 at 2:17 pm

      *sigh* and I was just telling Sir Farouk that he said the smartest thing..u are another one. I don’t understand all these nonsense people are saying… and some ladies be tryna act tough…even with all the back up, they’d still be hurting and feeling worthless…smh

      1
  11. Neo

    August 7, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Please where does one purchase one of this mythical back-up creatures you speak of? I understand the case of a man having a back-up and this isnt anything to do with sexism but the truth is that there are girls who are confident flag bearers of the side chick association, but to have a back up guy thats content to sit back and wait for your Plan A to fail so he can step up (benefits or no benefits) is smth i struggle to wrap my mind around.

    1
    • jinkelele

      August 7, 2013 at 10:27 am

      Guys you have kept in the friends zone are back up plans

      1
    • jcsgrl

      August 7, 2013 at 2:27 pm

      Really? And said friends will just be sitting idly waiting for your relationship to fail then they will step in. Just like that? Wow!

      1
  12. d baby

    August 7, 2013 at 9:46 am

    message to capt dumuren tools is telling u she has no back up,pls do the right thing nd put a ring on it else she will be suicidal, msg delivered

    1
    • Dora the explorer

      August 7, 2013 at 10:48 am

      We think alike!!!

      1
    • Bimbo

      August 8, 2013 at 6:27 pm

      Smartest comment yet! Lol

      1
  13. Yve

    August 7, 2013 at 9:49 am

    I think back up is a strong term. I believe dating shouldn’t mean blocking out the world and not socialising. Keep your options open. You don’t have to cheat just put yourself out there. If your relationship don’t work out, you don’t feel too alone.

    1
    • jinkelele

      August 7, 2013 at 10:28 am

      GBAM! Backup plan = keep your options open

      1
  14. Anonymous

    August 7, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Back up plan ke.. that’s a no no for me cos if it goes wrong, like it did in my case you will still be the one regretting. I have seen pple with back ups that still ended up badly. i’d rather hand it all to God and hope for the best. how many u want follow na… i don’t want too much work joor.

  15. tundun

    August 7, 2013 at 9:54 am

    back up plan is the way to go, I have been hurt before because I was so trusting. now I have learnt to keep others around.

  16. Nunu milk

    August 7, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I’m actually very confused about this myself. I’ve been in a very wonderful relationship for close to a year now, and so many people have been telling me to have back up plans (not just one), because men are so unpredictable. I think I have the best boyfriend in the world actually, and I’m not looking for any backup. Making one relationship work already takes so much time and effort. Like so many other things in life, there are no clear cut paths. Relationships are different. With a very sincere and honest person, you would never need a back up. There are guys who work equally as hard to give their best in a relationship. If you have someone like that, please dont mess things up by having a backup. Because the day he finds out, that day, u lose everything

    • jinkelele

      August 7, 2013 at 10:32 am

      I dont think we are talking about cheating here, it just means you shouldn’t stop socialising or keeping all men at arms length because u’re in a relationship. Not all relationships will end up in marriage even when they start of well. Some girls when they date they just block off everyone male, female, family sef.

    • Yolanda

      August 7, 2013 at 1:36 pm

      My dear dont be a learner. We both know she doesnt mean socializing here. Having a back up plan is clearly what it is- a back up plan. People create problems for themselves even before marriage

  17. Vics

    August 7, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Hmmmm….interesting topic there Toolz. For me I will say no to backup plans. I see it as another form of unfaithfulness to one’s partner especially when both of you are very much into the relationship. When am in a relationship I try to avoid doing to my partner wat I won’t like him to do to me. But I don’t limit my close pals to just gals not because I want them as backup(most of dem are in a relationship too) but just pple to hangout with which makes my guy unconsciously know that he needs to always be ontop of his game because I av pple around me and any one of dem can ask me out if he messes up.

  18. Abiola

    August 7, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm…i have been a back up( which later turned out well, am now d boss) and ve also ad back up (but it went sore). .my back up bf really liked me die..came across his pics on social network and found dt he is now married with a dorta…#sad much#i got jealous cus e b like say make e b me but wetin i wan do nah…LIFE GOES ON

  19. say what?

    August 7, 2013 at 10:12 am

    personally i think the fact you want a back up indicates that deep down you know something is wrong somewhere in the relationship. In Funke’s case the fact she felt frustrated and questioned Femi she probably felt something was not right and its good she asked him and got closure on time instead of wasting more years. It is better to know and see the signs on time…..I agree and disagree with Funke, I have been there but still i tend to be more like Stephanie, a hopeless romantic. I tend to see relationships as a gamble, i focus on my current partner but never raise my hopes high. If a guy on the side likes me and makes his intentions known , fine i wont discourage him and i would still keep my guy friends in close contact but i dont think i can go as far as say this is my back up plan.

  20. Abana

    August 7, 2013 at 10:13 am

    This is MY opinion. I have had 3 boyfriends and only been heartbroken once. The guy who broke my heart didn’t even get the chance to be boyfriend. He complained all the time that I was too strong (whatever the hell that means). I never ever go out with a guy who does not completely adore me and want to marry me. I actually do the breaking up. I never go out with a man who doesn’t know what he wants. He has to know he wants me to be his wife. I never go out with a man who doesn’t treat me like a queen. So there has NEVER been a situation where I feel I need back up. I am a remarkable young woman and I carry myself as such. All the men around me know this and 90% of the guys around me want to be with me. I am sorry, I am trying hard not to come across as arrogant.
    People should ask themselves why they need back up? Do you think your boyfriend might break your heart? Yes? So why are you still with him?
    Do you think he might not ask you to marry him? Yes? Why are you still with him?
    Do you think he might have other girls side so you want other guys on your side? Yes? So why the hell are you still with him?
    If I ever get to the point where I think I need back up, I am out of that relationship! Life is too short to not be with a guy who makes me forget other men exist.

    • Nathaniel's Daughter

      August 7, 2013 at 10:49 am

      Gbam!!! Life is actually too short to not be with a guy who makes me forget other men exist.

    • bee

      August 7, 2013 at 3:52 pm

      BN y’all should put a like button. For me this is the best comment ever, when u in a relationship, you get to see the red flags so even the thought of having a back up plan should tell you something is wrong

    • Amaka

      August 9, 2013 at 11:44 am

      Yes I strongly agree with her, everyone male or female should know what they really want from a relationship, especially the female folks. Once you are focused and your self esteem is in check, then I don’t think that you need any back up for whatever reason. Believe in yourself and give the relationship your best shot, if didn’t work in the end, then it didn’t work! Simple! But then, at least you can say that you tried your possible best.
      I strongly believe that there is a man for a woman and vice versa, so please channel your energy and time to make your relationship beautiful, if you are single, please be patient and wait for the right person shikena!
      And the end of the day its happiness and contentment that matters in any relationship; self esteem and confidence are also very important parameters.
      So why don’t you examine yourself and make sure that you are ready for a relationship (if you are single), or determine if you are happy and quite content in your relationship! It goes a long way to shape things up! *My Humble Opinion*

    • Bimbo

      August 8, 2013 at 6:39 pm

      From your comment, I assume you are happily married since all the guys want to be with you. Now, how many kids do you have please?

    • BabyDee

      August 9, 2013 at 3:40 pm

      lmaoooo, you took the words right outta my mouth Bimbo. So Abana, answer the question, which of this 90% of men has popped the question?
      ****watch her come back here to say marriage is not everything and she’ll be married when she’s ready to be*.
      Oshi gbogbo, you better remove all that makeup on your face so you can shine your eyes well well. Single & searching at 45 lo n ba lo yen.

      -BabyDee

    • Sweets

      August 9, 2013 at 9:42 pm

      You are so right. Why worry yourself. I rather end the relationship than be uncertin. Who wants to be a back up anyways. I can’t be a back up so why should I have a backup man…

    • HRS_Cindy

      November 18, 2013 at 5:20 pm

      PERFECT!!! *thumbs up*

  21. Ready

    August 7, 2013 at 10:16 am

    But what is a back up? Someone/people you flirt with…someone whom you ensure you aren’t in his friendzone, yet you don’t want him to cross any physical boundaries. It just seems like such a tightrope situation that I’d rather not be in. Every now and then, I resolve to have a backup plan, but it feels so dishonest…like I’m cheating. So I’ve decided to trust my boyfriend, and if things go south, chunk up the deuces and chalk it up to the game. I hope I’ve chosen the right person to trust and be with, and I’m having fun on this ride. I hope we get married eventually, but I’m focused on building our relationship for now…I think this mindset is better than essentially grooming and cultivating marriage options.

  22. Berry Dakara

    August 7, 2013 at 10:17 am

    While I see the logic and realism of having a back-up plan, I personally can’t do it. I think it’s exhausting having to date two people at the same time. Yes, there’s the very real fear that your guy could be messing around, but if he is, then you shouldn’t even want to marry him in the first place. What he’s doing BEFORE marriage, will most likely continue AFTER marriage.

    berrydakara.blogspot.com

  23. Blackpearl

    August 7, 2013 at 10:19 am

    If u have to put all your eggs in 1 basket, atleast boil them.

    • Nathaniel's Daughter

      August 7, 2013 at 11:08 am

      Boil them ke. It makes small sense sha

    • nira

      August 7, 2013 at 11:14 am

      LMAO!!!!!!!!!

    • laide

      August 7, 2013 at 11:42 am

      am in tears! lmao..abeg come and explain oo..how do u boil these ‘eggs’

  24. xoxo

    August 7, 2013 at 10:24 am

    There is a thing line between having a back up plan and cheating.

    • Kabiesi Info

      August 7, 2013 at 1:09 pm

      That is so true….a thin line

    • Idak

      August 7, 2013 at 6:14 pm

      The line you see is imaginary. Both are one and the same. It is like seeing a thin line between runz and prostitution. All na ashawo.

    • oyin

      August 7, 2013 at 8:09 pm

      gbam!

  25. hot mama

    August 7, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Having a backup plan in my opinion is the same as cheating, how do you think you’d feel if you know your partner has a backup plan in your relationship?!! people should just be wise and realistic enough to read the handwriting on the wall, know when to leave instead of spending 100 yrs in a relationship when it’s obvious its not working and make yourself available to meet new people,that’s all.. backup is another way of sugar coating cheating…shikena

  26. Jet

    August 7, 2013 at 11:52 am

    having a back up plan seems like the logical thing to do when there are trust issues, personally I dont believe in it but people’s experiences have taught them to have one and you can not blame them.

  27. hmmm

    August 7, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Was in this situation recently, Moved to Lagos, loved a girl, we dated and unknown to me i was her back up. Made a vow never to happen and leave myself exposed like that ever! From this point on, i am having multiple back-ups! Game on

  28. sparkles

    August 7, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    back up is just the same as cheating, and am of the belief that ‘dont do unto others what u wont have them do to u’… why av a back up, dt means ders no trust in ur relationship. if u love him/her, just work towrds the growth of the relationship, if u eventually settle down, fine, if not, well… move on! life is too short to stress urself with deleting messages n playing mind games that will give u heart attack abeg!!!

  29. sassycassie

    August 7, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    and we wonder why today’s marriages are so messed up! if you start playing games even before the marriage, what’s going to stop you from continuing said games after you say ‘i do’?! if you cant even be honest and open with each other while dating, then what’s the point of going to the next level? and i’m guessing you also shag your ‘back up plans’, right? with new strains of stds springing up faster than we can find their cures, is it really wise to be ‘backing up’ all over the place?
    *shakes head* kids

  30. Anita....

    August 7, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Please where is Mz socially akward….come and espouse on this matter small.lol @ boiling the eggs!

    • Mckay

      August 7, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      Anita do you live in Abz????

  31. Friday's other child

    August 7, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    I think it’s incredibly selfish to have a ‘back up plan’. Its problematic enough to have a friend who is maybe a bit keen on you but is recognises he or she has to keep at bay because you’re in a relationship, but i feel doubly worse when you’re actually leading someone on just to hedge yourself. People, male or female don’t have metal hearts. How do you suppose they’ll feel when you decide to move on from them having strung them along for whatever period of time. It can be devastating, would anyone like it to be done to them?

    Rather than have a back up plan, I think it is absolutely crucial to have an open and honest relationship with your partner, so that you both know where you are or aren’t headed (and I’m not just talking marriage, if a guy knows he cant for instance be faithful, this is something that I need to know, so my decision about continuing or not, is an informed one), if and when emotions and intentions start to change and if and when it’s time to move on. The more open and informed you are, the more empowered you are to make choices and decisions that make sense for both of you. If at some point in the relationship you realise it is time to move one, then in my opinion that is the time to find someone else.

    We’re all very careless with each other, and treat each other as if we are disposable. We shouldn’t, it becomes a vicious cycle, with loads of scarred and damaged people going in and out of each others lives hurting and taking each other for granted. A human being is not a back up plan!

  32. DREAL

    August 7, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    TEAM STEPHANIE all the way!! Who’d like being a Back up? Mcheewww…

  33. Nene

    August 7, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    If we didn’t date, we wouldn’t need back up plans. Dating without an end in sight(which is marriage) is like going window shopping without money, which will leave you frustrated.
    The way things should be? Have lots of friends no dating, no sexual intercourse.

    One of them will offer marriage, because men always know what they want once they see it. Any guy who wants to see “how it goes” with you will very likely not marry you. Why? Because while dating him, you give him everything and he will stick with you till he sees what he wants and he’ll leave you and go after it.

    So court a man who is interested in marriage, if several of them are, lucky you! Choose the best option,get engaged, get married.

    I learnt late in life, but that’s what works, that is the christian way really and it will save us all a lot of heartbreak.

  34. David Ologan (@davolog)

    August 7, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Having a back-up seems wise but the after-effects makes it bad. It leads (eventually) to cheating. You cant have a back-up and stay focused on your relationship; you’ll end up cheating ‘cos you’ll want to check on your back-up to see if s/he is still available/intact. Also, getting used to having a back-up means even after marriage, you will be tempted to have a back-up. It’s a cycle you dont want to start. Safe to stay away from back-ups. Stay focused 100%. To safe-guard yourself in the interim, DEFINE your relationship NOW. Get him/her to declare where you stand, lest you wait at the airport for a flight that does not exist. Define what you have (don’t feel too guilty/impatient asking questions) and stay focused on it if it’s worth it.

  35. stedee06

    August 7, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    It doesn’t show decency as a woman and if eventually u r caught,it even b d cause of ur break-up. If u den fall bak on ur back-up as d main guy nw ll u stil look 4 anoda back-up…its sick. Jst stay faithful n kip prayin.

  36. RayRay

    August 7, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    1. A man actually knows if you’re the one even before the first three months of dating. He doesn’t need any divine ministration before he makes up his mind to be with you or not

    2. Backing up does not mean you have to sleep with all/any of them

    3. Let your partner know you’re in it for real and you can’t be exclusive if he ain’t taking things serious

    lastly, be wise! back up your back up if you gotta, time waits for no one. However, God’s time and plans are best for us all.

  37. Nadine

    August 7, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I am all for back up plans. I am happily married today. I had a back up plan. I called it quits w my back up plan after I got engaged. The back up plan was fine with it. the point of the back up is not to be in a romantically involved relationship with them. It is simply just to have a close friend that you talk to all the time. Ladies that are dating guys, stop splashing pictures all over social media till he puts a ring on it. I have a friend who used to do this and today the guy dumped her. Now she has to explain to the whole world that she is single. So my advice again, dont splash pictures everywhere till he proposes and please have a back up plan

    • Yolanda

      August 7, 2013 at 1:31 pm

      Nadine, I humbly disagree with you. Some people want the whole world to know that they are happy when they are in love, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Why shouldn’t she for example, use her bf’s picture as her bbm dp? There’s nothing wrong with dat. The problem is that some guys are complete douchebags so even if she never used his picture on a social network, he would have still dumped her

    • magh

      August 8, 2013 at 8:22 am

      Nadine..pls chop knuckle!!! that social media thing is what I detest the most!! yea, u can have u guys as ur profile picture. but when you start to flaunt pictures of you guys on instagram, facebook, twitter EVERYWHERE and writing poems and bobo also has those social networks and rarely puts pics of you..CHECK YASELF!! even if you are a hopeless romantic try a little to not run down from your love juice! yea a girl I know on instagram, dating a guy for some months and she bombards us with love pictures.. they broke up and you have to go start deleting pictures.. I’m not close to her but why should I know your love garden has stopped blooming ?. my boyfriend is not on any of my social network sites because he is not mine…yet! if he puts a ring on it then I can flaunt our love virtually if I feel like..

    • Bibi

      August 9, 2013 at 6:55 pm

      Bella naija, I will fight you ooo. When will you put a like button? Waiting Ernestly.
      Double #gbam @ magh

  38. Idak

    August 7, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I am not even a hopeless romantic yet I can’t fathom the idea of a back up plan. I am either in or out. I am either loving or not loving. Broken hearts do not kill(in my books), so no need for aback up plan. I might be rare but o am unable of compartmentalizing my heart for more than one woman at a time. Just my view.

  39. Kabiesi Info

    August 7, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    How on earth do you have a man as back up with no physical contact? Excuse my ignorance but the man must be a learner! People are different though and the argument is relevant both ways. Men believe it is appropriate for to have backups, as men are the GIVERS but not so appropriate for the opposite sex as they are seen as RECEIVERS!! I hope you get the drift with my terminology. Even in the realm of marriage, our African culture doesn’t smile on a woman having more than one sexual partner at a time but encourages a man to have as many wives as he can cater for. This ideology has filtered into relationships and courting giving the man a false sense belief that polygamy is in his GENES. Again, the argument is subjective but whichever way you want swing, back up or no back up, physical contact is inevitable. Let’s be real…no learners!!

  40. ebony

    August 7, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    hmmn!! having backups is like rehearsing adultery before marriage.. we ladies know when a relationship is going nowhere but for where!!!!!!!!!! we hang on to a dead relationship like there is no tomorrow… it all begins with loving urself. if u love urself, you will know when someone is giving u bullshit.. for me, 3months is long enuf to know who is serious or not. i no dey for mumu longggg relationship and a man who truly loves you wld do his all to hold on to you.

  41. Gracie

    August 7, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    “Trust wholeheartedly but be logical BEFORE putting your heart into it. And if the person still ends up dishonoring that trust, then THEIR loss, not yours. They are the ones that will never know what it feels like to be true to God and man.”

    I CHOOSE THIS PIECE COS IT MAKES REAL SENSE ESPECIALLY THE…….”be true to God and man.”

    • GRAYCE

      August 9, 2013 at 2:19 pm

      I concur

  42. [email protected]

    August 7, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    This is why Many marriages fail before they start….if you believe in the back up theory during the dating phase you are just unlikely to be a responsible married man or woman…the backup theory will extend into your marriage cos then you will need backup bj, backup massage and backup everything instead of committing to make things work. It’s a. Scary thought and I wonder where the fear of your own health lie when everyone has a backup ….this is just gross. No wonder both men and women are passing eachother the HPV like tic tac

  43. Kristiana

    August 7, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    I have been a victim of back-up plan. My bf at the time broke up with me say in February and I heard he got engaged in June and was to be married in December. So I totally understand those that are in support of back-up plan are coming from. But all in all, I never resolved in my heart that next time I will ‘wisen’ up and have a back-up plan in my next relationship. And as God would have it, my next relationship was barely 4 months and my bf proposed and we got married a year later. I’ll strongly advise ladies to get out of a relationship quick if you think things are not working out rather than engage in back-up plans.

  44. shhhhh

    August 7, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    USE things and not people

  45. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    August 7, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    As females, no matter how much you tutored under Thatcher, a part of you wants to hold on to the belief that there who is a man who will value your ability to be fully committed to him; who will cherish the time and effort you have taken to make him the one and only in your life. Truth is, good girls are boring losers. Smart asses and “bad” girls are lucky and stay lucky. Problem is, being smart is relative. Some exes make us feel like potential assassins and make us vow “NEVER again will I be so stupid”. We end up making decisions and all we have in the end is your pride and ego at being a smarter version of your former self to keep you warm at night, but with the wrong person. So whatever you decide, make sure it is “right” with person in question.

  46. TinTin

    August 7, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    I used to have a boyfriend, we dated for like a year, we had a quarrel, he started sleeping around. I shut him out, three months later he wants back. Now there’s a guy I just met a month ago who’s always der, treats me fine, pushing for intimacy buh m stalling. One month is not enough to start trusting someone. Boyfriend is back pushing for intimacy too n I’m stalling. I still love boyfriend but until I get commitment we’ll all be friends with maybe nothing more than kissing benefits. If ure ready to marry, meet my dad so we get license to do the do! Call me nuts 🙂

  47. My thoughts

    August 7, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    I dont believe in back up plans…I have tried it twice and it failed. Eventually lost 2 good guys that looking back would have made amazing husbands. My back-ups were also using me as a back-up. I am engaged now and when I met him, I realised how cynical my outlook on life and people were, so what did i do: eliminated all back ups. BUT! I blocked my relationship status on FB, open to only him and his family. He has my pictures all over his wall and his relationship status boldly on..It is better to be careful. Do not blame me, after seeing what my brothers do to girls..it is better to be careful.. But am learning to trust again…slowly

  48. Ade (AA)

    August 7, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    It is really sad that reality is prohibited by morality n most religions, thus, having a back up guy/babe will naturally be frowned at by the society like ours. My frank approach will be that if a guy/lady has a friend prior to any relationship who he or she is attracted to, nothing stop him or her from maintaining the friendship after going into a serious romantically inclined relationship with another. What he/she should not do is to allow that friendship to go beyond mere friendship and prevent any interference in his/her relationship. While no one prays that his/her relationship should end abruptly, but in the event that it happens, such friend could be an option for consolation. However, that will be possible if the by-the-side friend has not found love at that point in time. It is also important that I stress for the attention of those who may have the intention of criticizing my view that, the scenario i painted is only applicable and practicable if that guy/lady had such friend before the new relationship and the idea of any possibility of relationship should be buried once the courtship metamorphosis into marriage. Also, it will be morally wrong for any lady/guy to court another relationship while already in one simply for the purpose of having an alternative. That definitely could have fatal consequences. My last take on this issue therefore, is that when you are in a relationship, give it your best and do not seek for a spare lover; and if you have a guy or girl you were attracted to before your relationship, please keep them as friends (if practicable) and ensure you don’t get romantically linked.

    • jcsgrl

      August 7, 2013 at 2:25 pm

      What opata are you yarning? its not a matter of religious or cultural sentiments. Its a matter of the hearts of individuals involved. You guys supporting back up plan have done the math that said back up will be waiting for you if the relationship does not work. So you play both hearts like yoyo. Life does not work like that
      Anyway like @ Mide said, this reeks of low self esteem, selfishness and lack of integrity.

  49. 'Mide

    August 7, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Nothing in life is certain in life like taxes. BUP shows you as a one with a low self esteem and a two timer.

  50. jcsgrl

    August 7, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    So after dating a guy for 7 or 8 years the man leaves you and marries someone in 2 months and the logical solution you can come up for that is having a back up plan? Like seriously!!! Not sitting down to ask yourself some introspective questions like “Are there signs that I missed which showed the man’s commitment or lack thereof?”
    Preety much all the questions @ Abana asked. Oh let me guess…doing self evaluation is too much wahala. Who wants to analyze their mistakes and take blame? Its easier to blame the other person and find someone else to hurt to make you feel better.
    Toolz tell your friend Funke she needs to heal because her mentality is warped. Its like applying chewing gum to close a hole in a dam. It might stop leaking for a while but as pressure continues to build, that hole will burst. She found herself an easy, selfish solution which does not address the deep issues that led to the break up in the first place

    • Tess

      August 9, 2013 at 2:07 am

      Absolutely love your comment! You’ve got a smart head jcsgrl! I hope men and women learn from their mistakes instead of blaming the other party, it would save them from another potential heartbreak/disappointment.

  51. Mariaah

    August 7, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    I’m still on the fence with this backup thing but all in all, I don’t think I will consider it in my next relationship as I am single now. God’s willing, my next baby will fall deeply inlove with me within a short period of our being together, I will still remain the back-up less virtuous woman who gets the ring (wedding band PLEASE!!!) in months..
    Somborry shout Hallelu!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

  52. Mz lian

    August 7, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    One guy is exhausting enough abeg. If you’re leaving ur man cos he refuse to propose is your back up gonna propose to you? As toolz said put all your eggs in one basket and watch it!

    • Idak

      August 7, 2013 at 4:00 pm

      Say that again!!
      One babe is exhausting enough too.

  53. Impeccable

    August 7, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    I would have to agree with Mark Twain. Put it all in one basket and watch it 24/7… It may be a laborious effort but it will surely be easier than having eggs in so many baskets. That to me would be ‘long ting’, a lot of hard work and not to mention – a distraction too!

  54. Xxxx

    August 7, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    We live in a world where you even need to back up ur backup….so watz the point?my stand…love with all that you have,give it all u got.love is so beautiful and if the person u love hurts you,you can’t hate them.you let them go,they once made you happy after all…u will get ur love in return from someone.karma isn’t only for bad things u know,good things too.

  55. dam

    August 7, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Hmmmm, story of my life. I had a back up plan for 2 years and this year january he asked me to marry him. I was short of words. Ahhhhh I didn’t even know what to do and I just said No. He didn’t talk to me for months and my God I hated myself. I didn’t want to marry not cuz he wasn’t the man but cuz I wasn’t ready to get married. So that’s how my back up plan turned sour. And no you don’t have to sleep with your back up plan. I never slept with mine. …

  56. Ololade Olusola

    August 7, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Hello Toolz…..For me,Stephaine is on point….Life is very easy but we ALWAYS want to complicate things.Funke is obviously wrong…I look at her foundational points….every guy messes around(oh really)Dont put your eggs in one basket(ok o00)….I have been married for a few years….If you have a back up plan when you are single,What happens to you when you have problems in your marriage….

    My advice to Funke is this Let it go…and most importantly Let God(you can’t truly heal when God is not involved).You will get a great guy only when you are a great lady….

  57. Nice Anon

    August 7, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    I think you should give it your all as long as the relationship is defined. If you just met and are still getting to know each other then it’s perfectly okay to still go out there and mingle UNTIL his intention is made known/clear. I also think dating people who are looking for the sort of things you are does help. Above all, mostly a man who’s ready to settle down and marry for real doesn’t date you for ages ; it tends to happen quite quickly so make una shine eye o!.

  58. Halidon

    August 7, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    1. “Funke had been dating Femi for about 3 years and was quietly praying and hanging in there for a ring”

    Who are these learners spending 3yrs in a relationship and don’t KNOW whether marriage is on the table or not by then?!?

    That is so unbelievably stupid. I didn’t know the exact date, month or even year, my husband would propose BUT I certainly knew he would! Why? Because it was a topic of discussion from at least 3mnths into our relationship. No harassment…no pushing…just frank, evolving conversations on what our intentions were for each other, how we felt about marriage etc.

    Women like to forget. Men are simple. There is no man on earth who will not KNOW whether he wants to marry you or not after 1yr of dating. Sure circumstances may prevent the marriage from actually taking place then and there, but don’t kid yourself the man already knows. If you have to “pray and hang in there” for a ring you have already missed road. Pack your bags and go.

    2. Should you always have a ‘back-up’ guy/girl or not?

    If a man has back-up prior to marriage, abi you magically think the back-ups will disappear after the wedding day? Tschew. He will just adopt new ones. They may not be marriage back-ups, but they will be good-time back-ups – rest assured!

    And as Abana so BRILLIANTLY said up above (BellaNaija you must to add a “Like” Button for outstanding commentary like hers!), if you need to have back-up, that relationship is already rotten. The very fact of having a back-up means you are void of faith in the existing relationship.

    Not to mention what it says about your character i.e. you know this man may not marry you, and if he doesn’t you are ready to jump ship to the next available man just like that :-/ Na wa oh.

    3. Finally. I have been married for a few years now and every day is a joy (even the yeye days have their own kind of joy). Our days are a joy because we KNOW, SEE and NOURISH each other’s 100% commitment and dedication to us.

    Simply put – you get out what you put in.

  59. @ajiriavae

    August 7, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    I guess an important question to ask yourself is “Would I be upset if it turns out that he has a backup?”. Because if it is serious enough for you to be upset by his cheating, then you shouldn’t be cheating. The only time I think that it is fine to have a backup is if you are not having sex with either of them. Because if you are having regular sex with two different men who think you are their girlfriend, then you are either extremely stupid or heartless.
    ajiristyle.blogspot.com/

  60. Dez

    August 7, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    you get a back up plan and then the back up plan bites you in the back what do you do?…. I’m still waiting for Ms socially akward ‘s reply.. slayed me, *tears* Please how do you boil these eggs…

  61. OmoMakun

    August 7, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    I have seen people do this whole “back up” thing and sincerely at the end of the day its very hoe-ish behavior. For one if your current mate finds out, he will most likely drop you like a hot potato and your “back up” can never lead to a real relationship, when the person has always been just a jump-off, side-piece…whatever you want to call it.
    It’s even worse when the person doesn’t know they are a “back up”. Its horrible, why would you do that to a person???? What does that say of your character?
    I know people get screwed over all the time, so of course be sharp, be alert, but please dealing with multiple people at the same time is not healthy for anybody.
    Walk a straight line, if it doesn’t work out, dust your shouldsers and keep it moving because its ther other person’s loss. Whoever it is they are getting hitched too will have to deal with them for the rest of their lives not you…..because you dodged a bullet.
    Besides K.A.R.M.A is a B.*.T.*.H

  62. Mini

    August 8, 2013 at 3:32 am

    @maria ur comments are funny….

  63. magh

    August 8, 2013 at 7:49 am

    the co worker thats said “keeping your man on his toes” is so true!! been dating my bf since first year at 19yrs old, third year came and I noticed I had let go..weight gain, wore sweats and uggs everywhere.. was just basic!! my aunt had to drag me and WOKE ME UP!! coz I told her bobo doesn’t shower me with compliments as before.. she explained to me that I am too comfortable..boy did I step my game up! everywhere we go guys always stare, some even try to talk to me when he’s close by !lol. he has learnt to start complementing me and maybe a little bit jealous because of the attention I now get.. point is we have to keep these men on their toes!! I’m not saying have one by the side because like toolz said it’s a chore but let your guy know you are a hot cake and there are people ready to dive in if he should eff up..when he sees that others even cuter than him are trying to holla at you,na den ee go know say you be BIG DEAL ..

  64. Beauty

    August 8, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    Abegi stories that touch! Back up plans are very very very very very very very very very very i repeat very very very very very very very very very very important. Do not fool urself put all ur eggs in one basket at ur own risk!!!!

  65. sisieko

    August 8, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    @Mini I know you in real life! lol. menh I go love oooooo .The egg must not break .True love for moi IJN. NO BACK UP PLAN(S) 🙂

  66. mehsee

    August 9, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Loving the comments

  67. mehsee

    August 9, 2013 at 9:30 am

    What should dis friend of mine do right now? She has been dating dis guy, he has popped the question of marriage and she has agreed. But the issue here is dat she has aborted twice for dis guy and now she’s presently pregnant for him and he still wants her t abort it for the third time cos he’s not financially strong. Now there’s dis oda guy that wants t marry her mind u he’s not a back-up next year and she doesn’t knw wat t do. Should she continue wit dis guy or she should abort and go for the oda one?

    • delusions

      August 9, 2013 at 10:35 am

      Personnally i would say she should go for the other one….your friend is a learner I am sorry. Any guy that makes you abort up to 3 times for him is not a serious person…what if she cant have child when they finally setlle shebi he would dump her?…..he only proposed to hold down your friend while he keeps looking for something better!!. A guy that is not financially ready wouldnt even propose or he would be careful not to get your friend pregnant, if truly he wants to marry your friend then having a kid at this stage should not be a problem…your friend should wake up…

  68. Chioma!

    August 9, 2013 at 10:29 am

    Why stop at a ‘back-up plan’ in dating? Why not have ‘back-up plan’ inside a marriage? In case the husband/wife walks out, you don’t feel it – because there is one mugu sitting by calmly and playing ‘substitute’? While we are at it, why don’t we have ‘back-up children’ – we can throw away the children who don’t behave impeccably, score perfect marks in their exams, or step out of line even by an inch?
    And tomorrow, we will claim we are very moral, traditional, holy, and all that jargon.

    • Laide

      August 11, 2013 at 1:18 am

      Lmao @ back up children

  69. Guest

    August 9, 2013 at 11:19 am

    Calling it ‘back up’ makes it sound light hearted and casual. it is inherently ‘DECEPTION’ but then again if the goal is just to have another man’s last name then go for it but if you want to develop a relationship based on loyalty, mutual respect and most of all TRUST then ‘back up’ is not an option.

  70. Dora the explorer

    August 9, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    best relationship post in a very long ass time! GO TOOLZ!!!

  71. spareme

    August 9, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    keep your legs FIRMLY together …………….NOW THAT IS THE BEST BACK UP PLAN. no UNSERIOUS GUY WOULD ever HANG AROUND IF HE IS NOT GETTING SOME! WISE UP GIRLS!

  72. boundlad

    August 9, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    🙁

  73. sparkles

    August 9, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    @spareme… lolzzzz, way to go jare! if a guy cant get some from u, and he doesnt put a ring on it, shebi u will know whr u stand and u will find ur square root. all these back up rubbish isnt it for me. as someone put it, 3 months into the relationship, both of u should know whr u are going, and if not well u sud talk abt bit. no pressure, or harrassment, just knowing ur plans for each other. and if u break up, u’ll know its by unforseen circumstances. kapish!

  74. kind anon

    August 9, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    sigh! every relationship, every backup, every man and woman ‘situation’ is a risk. that’s the truth. if there was a formula for getting it right there won’t be so many single and searching people. there’s also an element of luck in this thing. i think the most we can do is to put our best foot forward, play our cards right and pray for the best!

  75. Onye

    August 9, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    What if you are a back-up to your back-up. Work that one out for yourselves! Lol! My problem was that I didn’t really like my back-up and I couldn’t see myself marrying someone like that. So, when my main guy screwed up, I didn’t know what to do. The back-up then asked me to marry him. I said no. 2 seconds later, I saw his wedding pictures on whatsapp! Funniest thing ever is that she looks like me.

  76. Mimi

    August 9, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    Here’s my stand. I would date as many guys as I want if am not in a serious relationship. But when it gets to the point where I’ve made up my mind about a particular guy n we’ve decided to be exclusive, it just has to be that way. He becomes my boyfriend, not one of my boyfriends. I mean, put urself in his shoes. Apart from all d diseases out there, what if u found out that he has a backup plan or u’re actually the backup plan? How would u feel? Y would u do that to him then. Let’s be fair guys. Even if he does that to u, u don’t have to do the same just because he did. Let us stay true to ourselves n what we bliv n not let any misfortune in d past cause us to act out the very thing we hate being done to us. My 2pence

  77. fattybombom

    August 9, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    Whether you close your legs or not if he no go marry you he no go marry you have seen those who had crazy sex with their bf ad are married me i dated my guy for 3 years with no sex still we broke up sex or not sex guy wey go marry you go marry you.

  78. Sweets

    August 9, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    The back up plan might end up being the reason why the Original plan fails…. Original and Back up plan go scatter…. Its not possible to love 2 at a time, for me its difficult don’t know about others. Both guys will notice b4 I start the plan self. It’s really exhausting to be serious with 2 men at a time. Stress!!!! What man will want to be a backup? When will you have time for the back up if you put in 100% in a relationship? What guy will want to be in a the friend zone and wait? Yes, sometime friends end up with each other but not has backups…. I’m sure he will have his own original plan and in your mind you think his a back up but at the end you’re the back up plan…… I don’t want to be a guy’s backup plan so why will I make a guy one….. If you have a backup plan than you need to check yourselve……

  79. Diadem

    August 10, 2013 at 1:59 am

    Hmmm! I had a guy who was serious abt our having a r/ship but was always demanding 4sex. We talked & hanged out but I didnt give him. He was hoping I will yield to his demands. In my 2nd yr, anoda guy got interested in me & we I liked him. He told me he wanted full committment bcos his ex used him as backup. I tried to maintain good r/ships with both but it wasnt easy…I had to tell-off d 1st guy on d basis dat he was too sex conscious. He still loves me & keeps telling me he will wait 4me & wnt demand 4sex again. I saw d seriousness in d 2nd guy & knew he will be shattered if he finds out I’m into 2guys. I became totally committed & dat helped our r/ship 2grow. We re married nw & my little piece of advice is dat not having a backup will make u focused in building a r/ship

  80. MT

    August 10, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Is there any space for God when choosing your spouse??? Do you even believe there is a God that rules in the affairs of man? Or One that can do exceeding abundantly more than you can ask or think? Please let God be your compass and stop trying to figure these things with your limited “know how”. Trust God that knows the beginning, the now and the end. Whether you back up or you don’t back up… Only God knows what the marriage will be like 5-20 yrs from now.

    To all the Funkes (male/female)… Please allow your heart to heal and let God take care of it. If you refuse to release the hurt you won’t have room for the good loving God has in store for you. Don’t lose yourself or your destiny in the race of entering marriage by force.

    To ALL…. particularly ladies as we are easily carried away… STOP DATING FOR FUN, DATE TO COLLECT DATA.

  81. Chenney

    August 10, 2013 at 11:19 am

    NO BACK-UP, When you have back-up, it means you are totally not committed to that relationship. one cant essentially say they love another and they still have a feeling that goes beyond platonic with another, lets wake up to the reality.

  82. hmmnn

    August 11, 2013 at 1:36 am

    @MT, that was a fantastic response! God will ALWAYS honour his words any day any time. If he has said we should cast all our cares on him then he means every bit of it.

  83. Chipolina

    August 11, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Back up ni………Back up ko!!! Small children games! All i see are babes trying to act tough meanwhile they are all broken up inside. So cos he had a backup plan, you’ll start your own back up plan association? Seriously, why allow someone change you into some horrible person? My fellow women of God, Let Go and Let God.

  84. ify

    August 11, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    i’ll say not necessary a back up, bt dat guys dat makes ur man step up his game..u knw,dat guy dat always buzzez around u-‘hummers’,be sure he is ‘cutier’ than your man…bt DON’T F**KING SLEEP WITH HIM

  85. genevra

    August 12, 2013 at 12:49 am

    backup up plan sometimes gets messy, its just best to pray and commit to God’s hands.

  86. Miss Anonymous

    August 12, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    O ga o! I don’t even have the main one, people are talking about back up. It is well 🙂

  87. Pizzazz

    August 14, 2013 at 12:17 am

    People that have back-up boyfriends are the same ones that sign pre-nups before getting married. They can sense doom already. “Its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. Love is a risk, give your heart to someone who is worth the risk.

  88. 'defolu

    August 14, 2013 at 12:25 am

    nice read. makes some sense. good write up

  89. JUMMIE

    August 15, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Back up plan,no oh,that is cheating faaa.its actually painful when a relationship ends but a backup plan will likely be a disaster,i support handing over everything to God and shine ur eyes.i had no backup plan,he ended the relationship,very painful but a backup plan is still a no no

  90. izzi pizzi

    August 15, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    @Mrs Anonymous..Yes ohh. Pple like us @ 26 still dey pray to Baba God for the main one and y’all are here talking about Backup. Personally I think its either you are In or Out, no in betweens
    *teamwaitingontheLord

  91. anu

    August 19, 2013 at 7:55 am

    BN needs a like button like seriously,lwkmd!

  92. Tunmise

    August 19, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Well,if I had read this article like 6months ago,would have subscribed to the back up plan but right now,I won’t say that. My dear sister,true love still exist so if you meet the right man and put everything in God’s hand,surely,there won’t be need for back ups

    • Emperor

      August 20, 2013 at 11:25 am

      #Word.

  93. Bella

    August 21, 2013 at 1:52 am

    I dont think any lady who is ready to settle down should get serious in a relationship if the guy has not proposed marriage, when he proposes marriage, you can then take it to God in prayer and wait to hear from God if He is the “ONE” instead of stressing yourself by having a backup and having to lie and all sorts. It’s we girls that cause ourselves heartbreaks by thinking a guy will marry you just because He tells you He loves you. We have already seen the signs from the first few dates and times spent with the guy that this guy will never propose, we just chose to ignore the warning signs. And if a guy comes with good intentions and the relationship still ends badly, just thank God because if you married him that’s how the marriage would have ended badly.
    Back Up plans are not for human beings with feelings, they are meant for technology, events and things with no feelings.

  94. Susan eko

    August 29, 2013 at 1:13 am

    @bellanaija You need to implement a like button somehow lol! love the comments.. Face your lane and stop hopping around worrying that the no1 will catch you doing what you should not. Backup plan will do you like film trick and disappear too den ur eye will shine like burning torch. Ladies face your man! Better for your marriage too because you both will know the work that was put in to get to that point! Na wa oh Ladies Marriage is something created by God and should not be desecrated because everybody want to do and marry. Keep yasef for God to bring ya one special someborry to you! I have say my own! haf a blessed day my beautiful people

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