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Isio Knows Better: Fire and the Lover

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Isio Wanogho - Fayrouz Valentine Mixologist - BellaNaija - February - 2014 001I sincerely lay no claims to being more knowledgeable than anyone, but I do confess that I know better than I did yesterday, last year and a decade ago. Isio Knows better is an attempt to capture the shocking and highly entertaining conversation within myself.

The conversations between my mind (the sharp witty one), my soul (the lover and the spiritual one) and my body (the playful one concerned with the more mundane things of life). She is the eternal referee between the caustic mind and the sensitive soul.

This is Isio.
So, here’s to making private conversations public.

Enjoy!
***
The confession is that I am hyper-sensitive to fire and sudden loud noises. Any fiery thing. The flames, the heat, the smell. Burning things, melted wires, the sounds of fireworks and especially that horrible thing called “banger” or “knockout”. The reason for this hyper-sensitivity is that when I was a little girl, some kids in my neighbourhood thought it was a good idea to celebrate the birth of Jesus by throwing those horrible things called “bangers”, all around. The ones they especially delighted in throwing were those ones that exploded multiple times. Like something possessed by evil spirits.

And so it was that my mom had sent me to buy Maggi. We were going to have beans and plantain for dinner. I wore my slippers and headed to the nearest mallam’s stall 5 houses away. It was just after Christmas anyways, December 28th to be exact. As I walked the street I saw some other kids about. Running and giggling. It seemed like they had been having a “banger-war”.

You would think they would cease their meaningless war until I had bought my Maggi in peace and left, but no, they did not. That was how one over-zealous child decided to sneak one blast at his opponent. To be fair, he didn’t throw it at me, but it was close. And it being the kind of “banger” that was possessed by evil spirits,  the thing started bouncing about. I watched with dry throat and horror as it bounced and exploded.
Nearer to me. Nearer still.
“Boommmmmmmmmmmmn!”
By my face. My left ear. The ringing noise in my head kneweth no bounds. I held my head. It took a moment to register the wetness on my palm.
Blood.
Words cannot describe the pain. My scream was earth-shattering. The children fled.

This is why I don’t mess with fire. Fires and sudden loud noises. Not my thing. At all.

Fast forward many years later. My boyfriend at the time was romantic and thoughtful. Those were the days before social-media and downloads. The era of video clubs and renting movies. And so we set out to Ozumba Mbadiwe, to the Lagoon restaurant compound, where one of the biggest video clubs was situated. We got to our destination,  we parked the car. We were happy, laughing at something.

We were still in the car. The AC and music were on full-blast. Perhaps we should have looked at the temperature gauge on the dashboard. Maybe then we would have noticed that something had gone wrong, and that our engine had caught fire (okay, maybe not the engine, but something was burning under the hood).

I saw them first,  the area boys . They were trying to get our attention. Jumping and gesticulating…a very safe distance from our car. I saw one of them running towards us with a bucket of sand…

“Babyyyyyyyyyyyy…” I said slowly. “What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On…?
He saw the sand-carrying Samaritan the same moment our hero flings the sand on our bonnet.

Fire! Fire! Fire!!!
Come out. Your car is on fire!
Yeeeeeeeee! E b’oo ta ooooo!” (Yoruba for “O.M.G! Come out ooooo!”)

I don’t know how I got out of the car. All I know was that I could feel the wind as I sliced through Ozumba Mbadiwe running like a bullet shot from a sniper’s rifle. Faster than a Ferrari. Faster than a bullet. Definitely racing with the speed of light. Any moment… I expected an explosion worthy of a hit Hollywood action movie. In my panicked state, my mind imagined a loud ground-shaking, earth-splitting, apocalypstic-shattering “BOOM!”. Red, yellow and amber flames. People screaming and flying in the air… the scorching heat. I ran even faster, I don’t know how. The heels of my feet nearly touching the back of my head. I zoomed past speeding cars on Ozumba. Model or no model. No babe here o! Let the weave fly. My survival instinct was on-point. Adrenalin pumped. Hyper-drive.

Next thing I was close to that Stanbic IBTC when I heard people running behind me trying to get my attention.

Ah ha! Aunty o! Aunty! Please stop running o, we have quenched the fire!

Oh, okay… The fuel wey dey my leg eh, e reach to sustain me reach Surulere that evening.

I managed to stop. The Agberos who ran to fetch me were panting bitterly. I jogged back to where I last saw the boyfriend and the flaming car. I wondered why he was not behind me as I ran… Perhaps they caught up with him first.

The look on his face as I approached the car was priceless. He just stood there as he stared askance at me. He could form no words… he just kept stuttering.

Ahan, na wa for you o, why didn’t YOU run? Didn’t you KNOW the car was going to explode? ” I panted my concern as I bent over trying to catch my breath.

He just stared, shook his head and opened the car doors. I got in.

Fifteen minutes later, I realised he was sulking. Dude had made it ALL about him. Something about how I left him to die in a flaming car. “How could you run so fast so quickly?” he kept stuttering in wonder.

Now I’m confused whether it’s my running skills or the abandonment he was sulking about. We got home and he was still sulking. I made dinner and he was still sulking. He finished his food, and he was STILL sulking.

Oga, no vex. But love and fire cannot gree o. If I see fire,  I take off. You were supposed to be behind me jo. Or even “gap” me sef. But you just dey there dey look. Na wa for you sha.

But seriously, was I wrong?

______________________________________________________________________________________________
Isio Wanogho is a top-model, TV Personality and entrepreneur. She is conversant in five languages and has 12 years of experience in the Nigerian entertainment industry. Isio, popularly known by her brand name Isio De-laVega, captivates audiences with her signature wide smile and relatable, quirky personality which endears her to many. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @isiodelavega

Isio De-laVega Wanogho is a Nigerian supermodel, a multi-award winning media personality and an interior architect who is a creative-expressionist at her core. She uses words, wit and her paintings to tell stories that entertain, yet convey a deeper meaning. Follow her on Instagram @isiodelavega and visit her website: http://www.idds.pro to see her professional body of work.

94 Comments

  1. PrettyH

    February 25, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Omo I feel u die. LOL…..LOL. Haba how could u av even out run agbero’s sef. I can imagine sd look ur ur boyfy’s face….Unbelievable for a babe abi.

    • Oyinade

      February 28, 2014 at 2:20 pm

      lol, this is too hilarious. I’m in the office and laughing as I am typing. I can’t stop, this is bad.

  2. lilz

    February 25, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    ROTFL..you’re too funny kai

    • Blessmyheart

      February 25, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      Too funny. I barely restrained myself from bursting into laughter at the office.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 25, 2014 at 10:50 pm

      I was at home so I freely allowed the laughter to flow. Isio, this was an unexpected good laugh for tonight, thanks 😀

  3. Bella

    February 25, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Lovely write up babees, had me in stitches this afternoon. So light and refreshingly honest too. Great one. I hear that fear though. We all have things that traumatised us from way back then. You cant shake them off hard as you try, the mind is a powerful thing.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 25, 2014 at 10:54 pm

      Yeah, that’s true. Mine is spiders and the black things which crawl out of dried stockfish…. You know the ones which look like worms? *intense shuddering* And how man pikin wan do am as I too like to chop stockfish?

  4. AREA CODE

    February 25, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    kakakakakaka bhuhahahaha #roflmao girl ,you are crazy!! hahahaha mean it in a good way.just made my day.

  5. Miss T

    February 25, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Lmao!!!! this is hilarious, I could actually picture the whole scenario, that’s one serious race you did there. But i don’t blame you “Once bitten twice shy” they say. As for the boyfriend..he just acted like a typical dude they always know how to turn tables….psst!!!

  6. Ada

    February 25, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    LOL…hahahahahahah.haba u for wait for d guy small na..I cud imagine his expresion

  7. http://www.thelmathinks.blogspot.com/

    February 25, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Looool. Funny post. If your boo was the one who ran and left you, you would sulk too so don’t blame him.
    There’s nothing I hate more than those bangers and fireworks and when I was younger December was my worst time of the year. I still remember with dread how I dreaded walking down the road to the mallam’s shed. Lol. I’m still scared of those things too, and the noise is just horrendous. It’s one of those things I’ve always wished would be banned.

    thelmathinks.blogspot.com

  8. koko

    February 25, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    lmao!this lady always makes me laugh!…omo i go pick race o!lol…but seriously tho,my boyfriend right now,i would most likely drag him along with me somehow even if he’s on the floor..we’ll discuss his injuries later.

  9. Impeccable

    February 25, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    lol..this was hilarious. No you weren’t. Perhaps you should have glimpsed every couple of seconds to ensure he was behind you!

  10. nnenna

    February 25, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    lmao, lmao , lmao. am rotfl. i wish u had a voice message to see how i laughed so hard. nice article. thanks for d laugh

  11. pipi

    February 25, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    Isio look forward to reading “isio knows better” this write up cracked me up badly…. why wont he sulk at that point in time when u did 40 40 without even turning to check if he was running behind u or even calling out to him to run too… the guy knew ” chai this babe doesnt love me”. if the guy was your brother trust me even if dont turn you would call out to him. I pray make i continue relationship when d guy take off from a burning car without checking to see if i was infront of him not behind oh.. infront. isio my ughelli sister and team november u badt gan…… still laughing at the guy’s facially expression as u fled, and the comments/bad mouth the agbero pple would have given him ” guy u sure say dat na ur babe

  12. natty

    February 25, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Ha!! Na wa 4 u oh Isio, where is the love ? You should have stayed. Your story reminds me of when I went to write jamb eons of years ago. After the exam, I was with a family friend outside the venue gisting, while waiting for our drivers to come and pick us up. When suddenly I heard someone call my surname.
    I glanced back to check who called my name. I saw a face I couldn’t recognise. My friend- a guy, asked if I knew him. I said no, I glanced back at the strange guy calling me and back at my family friend only to se that my family friend had dissappeared into thin air in less than a second.
    The strange guy later introduced himself as a distant relative, but noticed that I kept on looking arnd for something. I explained I was looking for a friend. He joined me in amini man hunt for. Abt 10 mins.
    After he left, out pops my family friend from the branches of a tree. His explanation, he thought I had looked for trouble during the exam and the guy wanted to beat me.
    Till today, I am still puzzled as to how a normal human can climb a tree in less than a second

    • Babytohcute

      February 26, 2014 at 4:55 am

      The love is in the survival and you’ll be amazed what you can do when your adrenaline is heightened..lmao

  13. krem

    February 25, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    lmao……hw i just love isio’s write up.

  14. @edDREAMZ

    February 25, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    The note is too long cant actually finish it but i will sure follow u on twitter….
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN THE SUN***

    • Bleed Blue

      February 25, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      Are you back again with this “too long” statement? Or is this some kind of attention seeking tactic?
      Just try na ehn, one word at a time…you’ll find that reading to the end isn’t so bad.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 25, 2014 at 10:59 pm

      Hahahaaaaa! Chei, una take style dey yab oh… Na really “just one word at a time”…

  15. Neo

    February 25, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Hahahaha! Dem nor dey comot Naija Delta for blood oh. My mantra is run first, ask questions later. Notice how oyinbo people will always go and investigate one noise behind bush in the middle of the night, in a thunderstorm, under full moon, beside cemetery. What dyu expect to find biko? singing and dancing lollipop? Go and investigate, i will get the gist on NTA 2 weeks after the incident.

    • Tiki

      February 25, 2014 at 2:48 pm

      loooool, I’m dead. you comment has killed me. I am actually breathless.

    • Derry

      February 25, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      lol, dead. I have tears in my eyes from laughing long and hard, Oyinbo people no well. “Is anybody there” with torch after power goes out. I cant fit, abeg

    • lilz

      February 25, 2014 at 3:42 pm

      LOOOOOOLLLLLL

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 25, 2014 at 11:08 pm

      I need to go to bed, mbok, you people should stop chasing sleep from my eye with laughter!! Which one be singing and dancing lollipop? Kai, oyibo people can sha like to be extremely curious.

  16. iyke

    February 25, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Here and now, I thought you were excellent in your expose. lol.
    To answer your question, substance stands on it’s own accord…exempt from emotional concerns and consternation…nuances or attempts of run away valor restrained… Value has it’s own rule of measure and regard…in the face of silence…and destain. You did the obvious and your reaction was psychological. No- one should blame you. It has nothing to do with your feelings for him, but the effect of a childhood experience that has affected your attitude towards fire and noise. QED!

    • FOB

      February 25, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      @iyke… ki ni wi

    • Que

      February 25, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      Lmao @ ki ni wi?….I read that with the oyo accent…

    • Ib

      February 25, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      Pls ur girlfriend is not here.

    • memebaby

      February 26, 2014 at 4:46 am

      i swear mr ikye. you crack me up.. idk why your comments sometimes remind me of Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon.

    • meeee

      February 26, 2014 at 6:02 pm

      🙂 BUHAHAHAHAA your comment left me in mini stitches! lmao @ the comparison. I don’t frequent Bella Naija but I notice Mr Ikye sees himself as the “wordy man with all the answers to women’s romantic dilemma”, I find that amusing.

  17. queeneth

    February 25, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Lmaooooooo

  18. tatafo!

    February 25, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    rotfl Isio you have finished me with laughter. I nor blame you my dear, me sef I for pick race without looking back.

  19. Derry

    February 25, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    Hilarious piece. I just kept laughing. You were right to run jo! and he should have “gapped” u sef…lol

  20. Avon

    February 25, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Isio makes me laugh. Jezox!I look forward to reading something from her…..hahahahahaha.No time for model status oh. Survival instincts bawo..Urhobo babes nor dey carry last.*lolz.Love you boo.

  21. adelegirl

    February 25, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Jeez! I have “died” laughing so hard. You no do wrong o jare. Don’t mind the over-sensitive bobo. Maybe you were supposed to back him as you were running for your life. But if the tables were turned na to vex well o if your bobo run leave you. Na man suppose save woman o – Prince Charming and Knight in Shinning Armour thinz!

  22. Fashionista

    February 25, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    LMAOOOO!!! that was funny. Please you were not wrong jare but next time try alert the guy na? lool.

  23. Abdullahi

    February 25, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Haha!!! This. Just. Made. My. Day. So hilarious. And you weren’t wrong. Your boyfriend was probably sulking because you forgot about his existence that very moment.
    Lol.

  24. chydee

    February 25, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    Isio u got back into the car afterwards?!

  25. whocares

    February 25, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    LMAOOO. Love and danger does not mix period! I remember when I was in secondary school and I was ill. I sat on a bucket in the corridor in the middle of my hostel and my friends were with me being all “sorry, take care, wont you eat, aren’t you hungry” etc, and I remember I told them I was to weak, and didn’t have any appetite.. A moment later I felt something cold brush my hands.. I thought it was a wet cloth held by my sympathisers because I was burning up so I didn’t pay any attention to it, besides it felt good against my burning skin..
    Suddenly one of my friends screamed.. SNAKE SNAKE!! How I got off that bucket, pushed past everyone and got into the main field I will never know. All I know is by the time I got to the field my friends were still running towards me. Lots of “ahan Temi na wa for you o” followed. It was very hard to convince them of my sickness after that..
    The moral of the story is this.. love me or not.. My first instinct is to flee. Isio I do not blame you at allll!

    • nwanyi na aga aga

      February 25, 2014 at 5:30 pm

      looooooool! How can i believe you, if you can ‘gap’ me in ur sick status. looool! things fear do to us eeh

    • Radiant

      February 25, 2014 at 5:36 pm

      I am shedding tears from laughing.

    • Que

      February 25, 2014 at 8:34 pm

      Please help me not to choke even further……… lmao!!!

  26. jcsgrl

    February 25, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    Isio the love of my life! Chai I am suppressing laughter for office I’m about to burst out loud! Girl you funny. I can just picture everything in my head. the last time I ran like that was when there was riot in my secondary school. Omo I ran from UNEC in Enugu to Independence layout without stopping. I’m sure people were wondering why dis kpanla girl was sprinting on main road like she was competing in a Marathon for the Olympics. Men it was when I reached that I realized the distance I ran and in the hot sun. Why nobody stopped me I dont know…kai adrenaline can give you fuel of life

    • Radiant

      February 25, 2014 at 5:40 pm

      I am laughing so hard.

  27. Lamie

    February 25, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    LMAO!!! My colleagues are wondering why I’m laughing so hard. Mehn, you do well jare…me sef, I always run first and ask questions later abeg, na Naija we dey, I can’t shout . LOL

  28. Easy n Gentle

    February 25, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    This reminds me of January 1,2011. It was about 12:15 am. I’d just left church with one of my closest friends and his girl at the time. We were walking down the street to get to his car, only for me to sense that the street was unusually dry and quiet. No knockout, no cheer. Looking ahead, i saw like 7guys walking towards us in a very aggressive manner. They occupied the already small street, due to double parking, in a single horizontal file. By the time they got close to us, i tried to squeeze myself in between the last guy on my side of the road and the car packed. Only for them to round on me like a hunting pack. All of this within a twinkle of an eye. They attempted to break two bottles on my head one after the other, which i parried with my forearm. In all of this chaos, my Pal and his babe were nowhere to be seen. They had done an “Isio”. Before the third bottle would come, i wiggled my way out and “Ben-Johnson”-ed. It was maybe like 10-20 minutes later, that my friend was calling me asking me if i was fine. I was livid.

    If my babe had done what Miss DelaVega did, I’m sorry, you’d walk home oooo; Because you won’t enter the same car with me. Standing with me in bad times means alot. Instinctively, if you cared enough, you’d have stayed. That one action would tell me all i need to know about our future together.

    P.S. I later found out it was a gang fight, the guys that attacked me had had their leader badly injured and were looking to pay back – they couldn’t find anyone. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. His blood (the leader) stained my very fine Yellow top. Ruined it forever.

    • Jane Public

      February 25, 2014 at 4:49 pm

      Exactly. As funny as the story is, if it was your child or brother, you would drag him out first. The survival instict is real and ish, but when you love someone their survivial also becomes as vital as your own. It reminds me of a colleague whose husband did that to her during one well publicised terrorist act in the US. They were together meeting up for coffee during lunch break when a bomb went off. The guy did not even stop to consider his wife’s safety. He just took off. Luckily she wasn’t badly hurt, but she never forgave him. They are divorced now and till today she says she has no regrets because she can’t trust that man with her life. Nothing he did not say or beg her but the damage had been done and their marriage went downhill after that all the way to splitsville. Isio’s own is boyfriend, she gets free pass. Funny story though.

  29. Zayt

    February 25, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    hahahaha. Isio u have killed me oooo. lwkmd!

  30. Hanne

    February 25, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    I laugh so tay I shit 4 pant!

  31. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    February 25, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    In those days when generators were a luxury, my sister and I were sent to drop off some Christmas turkey at a family friend’s house down the road. It was around 7:30pm, December 24th. I remember I was wearing a white iro and buba. I forget what my sister wore. On the journey to, there was the usual banger/knockouts, but I just walked on, very blasé and my sis (who is not really the chatty type so I din’t know if she was afraid) followed my lead.
    We dropped off the commodity and were on our way home almost immediately. In the 2 minutes we spent there, we did not know that the world as we left it had changed.

    All I would say is by the time we got home, my iro was tied on my head, my underskirt was the same place as my buba, one slipper was missing, the other was in my hand; my lil’ sis was almost catatonic and slipperless. We were covered from head to toe with dust, sand and grass like we had rolled on the ground….. which we had.

    The one thing I remember most was trying to protect my sis in all this, but I remember clearly at a point, that the only thing she would have identified as me was the flailing white iro I had tied on my head which was travelling faster than light.

    • jcsgrl

      February 25, 2014 at 9:27 pm

      ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …omg bikonu I had to leave my desk to laugh. I tell ya…fear is real

  32. Aibee

    February 25, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    Isio oh. You wee not kee me with lafta!

    You actually ran away and didn’t even check to see that the fellow was behind you? And you expect him not to sulk? Lol! Meanwhile, I hope you are over your fear of fire now oh or how do you cook and church out those your recipes I’m looking out for?

  33. nwanyi na aga aga

    February 25, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    looooooooooooooooool! Isio this is very funny! fear shaa.If i were your boyfriend I will sulk at first but after your explanation I will of course forgive you.
    This reminds of a time when I was about 8 or 9 after the karashika home video that gave me nightmares. I had a terrible fear of the wind cos it reminded me of scenes in that movie when the karashika babe always appears and creates havoc. I had one funny behavior then, I will ask everyone in the girls room to leave that I want to change my cloth, it was a very funny xter cos not just was I so small and very lanky, i was always mistaken for a boy, no asset to hide. My elder bro always wondered what I was hiding but that didn’t stop me, in fact my mum had to warn him to stop coming to our room one day cos of the drama. So on this fateful evening around 7 or 8, my parents were not around I had removed my clothes in privacy, tied my towel on my flat chest, then went majestically to the parlor to tell my elder bro in front, of his friends dat he can now enter the room if he wants then i marched to the bathing room, immediately i started scrubbing my body with soap in my eye, the light suddenly went off, i cant tell if i imagined the breeze, but i heard that karashika song very clearly, the speed i used to fly out of the bath from the bathing room to the parlour was faster than that of light. As i rushed into the parlour my elder bro switched on the central control, men! his friends had a blissful laugh, they laughed and laughed, i wept and wept. Body dripping with foam, fully naked crying, they could not ask for more entertainment.looooool!1 full week, I couldn’t go out. He shaa got 24 strokes from my mum for that cos no consolation was enough for me, that ish hurt me physically and emotionally.

    • meeee

      February 26, 2014 at 6:11 pm

      :)))))) Oh no !!! Imagining your story is giving me the blushes! :))

    • B!

      February 26, 2014 at 8:03 pm

      Your brother ehn… no names are bad enough for him. Sorry sha.

  34. AutoPrincess

    February 25, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    Kiokiokiokio…I laugh in Yoruba!! Too funny, Isio

  35. brownsugar

    February 25, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    Isio is d babe mehn, ur writing skills no get part two, u n Atoke make my Mondays n Tuesdays. Babe u didn’t do wrong oh! I would have done same oh

  36. oj

    February 25, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Isio, u did no wrong o! if anything had happened to u, guy for cry till like 1 month, then take another babe. e no go even remember ur name sef. i think he’s just angry u ran faster. abeg, run for ur life jare. life na per head o (except for ur family).

  37. oj

    February 25, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    i remember when i was in secondary school. during P.E, i came last in running when i ran with my group of friends. after we closed, we were trekking home together and got to yaba when all of a sudden, a riot started. men, d way i pick race eh! i was waiting @ my school gate for my friends. they couldnt believe it that i who came last in P.E when i ran with them could run that fast. u would be amazed @ what u can do when faced with danger- real or imagined

  38. Benbella

    February 25, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    A former work-mate Jay was giving me the low-down about something that happened to him recently.

    A while back, he had attended an awesome Halloween party, and had decided to go as a traditional masquerade. Ingenious right? The last costume party I attended, I had gone dressed as a Navy Captain. I came away with a few girls’ numbers at the end of the night. Maybe, some mistook me for a rich former Chief of Naval Staff. My uniform did come stacked with my rank and many badges of honor. Ok, too ‘many’ information….

    Jay brought the mask back home after the party, and hung it as a decoration on his room wall. It was a really grotesque mask – just imagine the alien’s face in the movie Predator. I chided him for hanging up the mask in his room, as it stuck out like a sore thumb, spoiling the overall décor of the place.

    Fast forward, a few months later, he pulled this really hot chick when he met at a wedding in Ikoyi. They spoke on the phone for days, and then she promised to come visit him one Saturday.

    Jay got the place ready for the lass’s visit. He tried to make the pad ‘condusive’.

    He took out the sofa from the room, so that the girl would have to sit on the bed.

    He turned down the thermostat on his split unit AC so that the place was very chilly, in case his female visitor required ‘warming’.

    He ‘arranged’ rubbers at every nook and cranny of his pad, to be ready whenever or wherever it went down. He put one on the bedroom dresser, put another under one of the pillows, one on the window seal, another in his pocket, two behind the television unit.

    He warned the gateman not to leave his post, to prevent a mix-up.

    He did some push-up, pull-ups and bicep curls with really heavy weights. Then he showered, dressed up and sprayed a healthy dose of Pleasures for Men by Estee Lauder.

    The girl finally came around 2pm (African time), wearing a really smart tank top, some skin-fitting jeans and some really nice shoes. Jay was like wow! Jay said that she had a figure like a palm-wine keg.

    They chatted a bit, dug into some take-away that Jay had sent his house-boy for, and even watched a bit of the rom-com “Notting Hill”. By the time the part of the movie where Hugh Grant and Julia Robert’s characters climbed a wall into a garden came, Jay and his date had started snogging.

    They were making out just fine, almost heading for a technical knock-out, when the girl looked up and noticed the mask.

    Jay said that the way this girl flew out of his arms and bed was like a scene from Matrix where Keanu Reeves did a limbo type movement to dodge a bullet in slow motion.

    Her voice trembling, she shreiked ‘What is that? Is that ojuju?”

    Jay tried to explain calmly “Nah, love. It is just a simple Halloween mask.”

    The girl was not convinced. She moved towards the door “What is a grotesque mask doing on your wall? What is it? There must be something wrong with you”

    Jay tried to explain to this chick and allay her fears. She nor gree o. The die was cast – she even refused to finish the movie. After a while, she received a ‘phantom’ call from her bestie, and said she had to meet her cousin in Ogudu. She bounced out of the crib like she was running from something.

    Jay was left with a bruised ego and the damn mask on the wall. He took it down from the wall, and hung it in his living room instead. Let it bother uninvited guests now instead. Like the landlord and his agents

    • Eve82

      February 26, 2014 at 8:14 am

      Plagiarism. If you lift something, please give credit where credit is due. BN take note too.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 26, 2014 at 3:36 pm

      Hahahahahaha!!! Somebody needs to tell Esco so he can sue … 🙂

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 26, 2014 at 3:38 pm

      Unless… Benbella is actually Esco signing in from a different machine?

  39. Que

    February 25, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Hahhaahahahahahahahaaaaa………..Isio has killed meeeee…. haaaaa I relate wellllll to that ur race for life….. in my own case I left my own family behind…brothers, mother, cousin..everybody, even shoved cousin out of my way as i jumped the full set of stairs to its landing, for at least 5 floors…and to think it was my mum that woke us all up to get out cos of the fire… Nna I no ask question, I no find person…. its called survival instinct, once it kicks in, it kicks in…. afterall a dead girl can give no loving, so whats his own? He should be happy that he doesn’t have to worry about you in case of emergency….
    But I was much younger….I guess it would be different if I had a child to worry about…but I’d still expect my man to be out of there, unless he’s trapped in anyway…

  40. Affie D

    February 25, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

  41. Esther

    February 25, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    ROTFL, LMAO, LOL! Honestly, there arent enough of these to express hpw hard I’m laughing. Aunty pls stop running, we have put out the fire…LOl. isio, you are a genius and a serious clown. No disrespect pls. I love you to bits. Wouldnt miss your articles for anything.

  42. Simsi

    February 25, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    I remember a time I was going to someone’s house to drop something. I was in jss2 then. I wore wedge sandals that day. I didn’t know this people had like 8 dogs. The female dog they had just gave birth. I didn’t notice d dogs wen I was entering the compund. On my way out, I just noticed the dogs coming for me… The way I ran ehn…. I didn’t even care. I threw away the sandals. Didn’t even go bak to look for it. Walked home barefooted like that. I stil like dogs tho.

  43. zamunda

    February 25, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    @isio and @benbella,I don laff tire,kai!Water don dey comot my eye. My dear,every man for himself;God for us all,abeg

  44. Babytohcute

    February 26, 2014 at 4:50 am

    Hahahaaaaa! I’m sure gonna sleep well. For the boo, sorry love we came separately to this world. Lmao!! It’s just too funny. Nice one

  45. jinkelele

    February 26, 2014 at 10:21 am

    ROFL its enough biko!!
    dunno which is worse Isio’s story or comments

  46. Raindrops

    February 26, 2014 at 11:47 am

    lol, this is too funny. Now I see where we have been going wrong in the olympics, we just need to recreate this scenario during the olympics and kabumm… let the medals start rolling in, even Mr Bolt himself wouldn’t know what hit him.

  47. Josy

    February 26, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    I have tears tooling down my eyes!!! And den I read d comments am literally crying n laughing. Fear is a strong and lethal force

  48. Tru

    February 26, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    ISIOOOOO…I’m laughing uproariously with joyful abandonment…kai!!! The fuel wey dey your leg sha!

  49. Gezzel

    February 26, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    I just can’t stop laughing nice write up.

  50. Ayreal

    February 26, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    @Benbella…pure plagiarism haba!..i have read dis so many tyms as jokes-Jeez!see aw dude personalized it lol(more laughs). please share your true experience or you laugh @ Isios’.

    Dis babe will not let my oga prevent me from using internet on my system..Dahm you got me laughing so loud in d office,My Boss asked me if i was alright(Are you okay?), i had to lie to her it was a loud thought. Lmfao also @ madam karashika loooooooolz. This reminds me also of a recent experience i had on my way traveling to Abk, when the driver geared up and tried to check a default under the space i occupied in front of the car, immediately i alighted the bus with my co passenger in front, the conductor just screamed locally…omi omi..ina ina(water water fire fire) in my mind i was like i wont wait to see the end of this, i ran as fast as i could,when i was sure many would have been burnt before it got to me(I’m sorry Lord), i looked back and saw the passengers all arranging themselves back into the bus, the conductor was pointing at me..mehn shame will not let me go back, i was looking at the conductor from distance, apparently waiting for me to move too, in my mind i was like gosh please save me from this embarrassment cos alot of the passenger were already pointing at me too laughing, just as God will always answers my prayers, a car pulled up by me and screamed are you going to Abeokuta”oh dear good samaritan” i jst popped in i didnt wait to collect balance from the conductor sef…the rest is history!more why this piece cracked me up ehn..it brought back that experiance.

  51. charming

    February 26, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    SO i had to make my own comment,am jst reading this, trust me, i passed out when i got to this parargraph “I don’t know how I got out of the car. All I know was that I could feel the wind as I sliced through Ozumba Mbadiwe running like a bullet shot from a sniper’s rifle. Faster than a Ferrari. Faster than a bullet. Definitely racing with the speed of light” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  52. Kimmy

    February 26, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Can’t stop laughing, the story and the comments all funny.

  53. Peaches77

    February 26, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    In all sincerity, you were wrong. The boyfriend didn’t mean a lot to you or maybe at that time, you always used to put yourself first. You were selfish. I have written this only because you asked, so i assume you truly want to know.

  54. Shona

    February 27, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    @natty and @nwanyi na ga aga’s comments slayed me totally….loooooooooool.

  55. Ashanti

    March 3, 2014 at 5:37 am

    Run Forest Run!!!!!! My akata friend will say, ” now black people, when we hear gun! gun! we hit the floor even if it wasnt true….we aint like white people, we run first and ask question later”….aint that the damn truth

  56. nique

    March 4, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    LMAOOOOO! LDKMFHHHHH

  57. Noms

    March 18, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Isio, U wan kill me with laff hear. I just dey office dey laff like who no well. U be benzolla? i nor fit wait for fire story sha.
    Well done Oniovo, nice 1.

  58. Grace Tsumbu

    March 19, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Oh dear Isio… you just made me laugh to tears… I had to pause and comment abeg. Kia!!!!
    gracistsumbuli.wordpress.com

  59. Teni

    March 27, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    I have tears running down my eyes o,my colleague don tire for me sef. And the comments come add to my laughter. I remember one morning i was going to work around 6am,when i noticed a naked mad man walking towards me,the way i ran ehn,i no wan know whether he go pursue me or not,first instinct was run. The funny thing was a woman who saw me running and didn’t know what was chasing me also took off,loool. Babes,u be waffi joor,u no fit carry last nah…

  60. Tessy

    May 3, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    This is hilarious….lol

  61. Jola

    May 23, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    Hahahahahahahahahaha. I was leaving a voice message while reading this! Bad idea! Hahahahahahahahahahaha. I no fit pick call professionally sef! Hahahahahahahaha

  62. potomato

    June 3, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    very funny, l don laugh tire

  63. chingy

    July 1, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Wow! I can’t believe i got to d end of these comments. Everything abt dis write-up is hilarious. Isio, i duff my cap for u

  64. four ones

    July 2, 2014 at 9:38 am

    abegi, you were selfish. Just like the other time, my sister and I were being chased by a dog that could pass for a “WOLF”, she pushed me aside and shut the gate while i was still outside, and blamed it on REFLEX.

  65. PennStudent

    July 6, 2014 at 4:12 am

    Hahaha.. Nigga said how can you outrun Agbero… I feel u die.. Leave all this boys that would be making everything about them

  66. Vivian Okorie Osigweh

    July 21, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    If The guy is married with a kid, and his wife expecting another baby in the states…., i bet he’s glad he didn’t waste his future on u. Mistake wld av bn too costly to live wit.
    Hahahaaaahhha

  67. Vivian Okorie Osigweh

    July 21, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    Mrs.

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