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Atoke’s Monday Morning Banter: Give Me A Chance to Re-Rock Your Aso-Ebi

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Surviving on an average of 3 hours of sleep every night for the past two weeks is reminiscent of my last days in Law School. Back then, I promised myself that if I made it out of there alive, I’d never go near academic pursuits again.

I forgot.

So here I am again, wondering why as a person of sound disposing mind, willingly subjected myself to this kind of torture again. As if having to worry about my deadline is not enough, I am being forced to think about ‘What’s Next?’ So, when a friend asked me about my home coming, I said I didn’t want to think about it. Her response to my concerns about expensive rent, car money, generator money, plumber/electrician woes was: “Don’t worry about all that. Just find one man to marry you and all that would be sorted.”

Almighty marriage – the solution to all accommodation, logistics and status problems. Marriage is extremely important to a Nigerian. It invests upon the parties a certain level of respect and status. For the man, it is an indication that he is ‘responsible’, and for the woman… oh well, for one she gets to say “My husband and I…” It’s really cute to watch.
Picture this scenario: A young woman with parents of modest means living in Ife. Lady gets a job in Lagos; salary is just enough to keep body and soul together – not enough to buy a car or rent a place. Parents say, don’t worry we’ve spoken to Aunty Funto who stays in Ijegun, she says you can stay with her. So, with her office on Sinari Daranijo in Victoria Island, Lady begins the approximately 4-hour commute everyday. She sits in traffic on the way home knowing that she will probably get home to a frowning Aunty Funto – who is looking at the clock and wondering if she’s the “only one who works in VI”. Why does she have to come home after dinner has been made and chores have been done? Even worse if she works over the weekend or dares to have a social life.

It’s a scenario that has led a lot of women into marrying the closest person who can take them out of that situation.
Forget that they don’t really know or like that person. After all, nobody is perfect. And anything is better than having to endure another month of Aunty Funto’s scowls.

In chatting with The Nengz about this topic, she talked about someone who was JUST lamenting about the fact that one of the marriages for which she she had attended the wedding earlier this year had broken up. According to the girl, she had not “even gotten a chance to recycle the 40k Aso-Ebi.” If we consider the costs of weddings these days, it is enough to try and get it right. What’s the point of getting married if the only people who would benefit from your venture are the vendors who serviced the big event.

The head-first dive to marry, however, is not limited to women. A lot of men are nagged every day to ‘settle down’. They’re told that they need to put down roots. “What are you still waiting for? See how skinny you are. Or you still want to be chasing girls up and down?” And so, ready or not, they take the plunge (after all, who is ever really ready?).

After a really bad break up, one of my friends said that he was going to marry the next girl he dated. I said, “Ahn ahn, just like that?” His response was, “Abeg I’m tired of the cycle of toasting, dating and break up.” I asked if that was enough to marry the next ball that came to his cue stick, he said “Omo, I really don’t care. Girls kuku want to marry!”

Committing your life to another person is a really big deal. God knows I don’t want to do it because I am terrified of having to go back to a life of my mother asking me if I’ve made Daddy’s carrot juice. Or having to sleep in the heat because “In this house, the generator goes off at 10.30pm”

I read an article about why a lot of people get it wrong; now, while I read it with a pinch of salt (because really, mistakes are part of life and nobody’s prefect) I took some points from it.

1. KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR SELF WORTH (Seeking existential validation from someone else is nothing short of folly. Honestly.)

2.UNDERSTAND THE DYNAMICS OF HUMAN BEINGS (Nothing is cast in stone and people change/evolve. Knowing that, will help you sleep well at night.)

3. BEING SINGLE IS NOT SO AWFUL (Well, maybe in Nigeria it is! The validation that ‘MRS’ confers in Lagos is shocking! So is the level of degradation that comes from the absence of it therein. People, let us make a conscious effort to see beyond the titles)

4. WHEN DID ATOKE BECOME A MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR BIKO?

Have a wonderful week ahead. Don’t forget to love yourself and believe in yourself. Dream big and work hard towards your goals. Oh, and pray for me as I go hand in the final piece of this post grad puzzle! I bind the demon that is making me consider a doctorate degree. I bind and cast into the lake of fire.

Don’t forget to share your stories with us. If you’re married, please tell us why you decided to? If you’re not married, don’t hesitate to share why you want to. And yes, it’s okay if you have one Aunty Funto who won’t let you be great. Also, if you’re tired of jumping from one Keke Marwa to the other. (Someone actually told me this!), tell us. What are the cutest reasons you’ve heard for people getting married? What are the most absurd reasons you’ve heard. Someone once told me she wanted to get married to be able to have ‘God sanctified sex’. I went away from that conversation thinking “sex” vs “a lifetime of uncertainty”. What happens when the fire of arousal is doused?

I know marriage is a really beautiful thing. Heck, I just spent the last week with my friend who has been married for the past 6 years and gosh their love is sooooo… no it’s not the sickening syrupy type. They’re  just Alobams and you can tell!

Peace, love & BranFlakes,

Toodles!

Photo CreditDreamstime | Michael Zhang

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

87 Comments

  1. Neo

    September 29, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    LMAO @ God- sanctified sex! till she marries one man who believes the do is an off-light, spread legs and five heavy thrusts towards childbearing affair, then it will be Devil-sanctified. I dont know about other people, i try to be subjective. The only reason i planned to be married by 25 was so I could have my 2 (with one jara) kids by 30. Fast forward 4 years later that ship has sailed past on full blast. I am not in a hurry please, it is something i look forward to with an equal mix of excitement, trepidation and curiosity. I think im excited at the prospect of playing “house” having someone to cook for and look after but then I panic bcos after a while having someone around me constantly starts to irritate me. So now i’m just looking for someone I can actually stand to be around ad infinitum! Someone i can be friends with and talk to without my filters on, and someone that will just get me and vice versa.

    I heard of a young marraige that crashed because the wife was ‘too insulting’,when their close friends heard of the reason, they laughed cos that was how the babe was, and the insulting was simply what we could call ‘yabs’ or bad mouth. they all knew her well and accepted her. How come hubby didnt know this. Turns out they dated for 4 months b4 marriage. how she go yab am? when the butterflies and birds were still remixing melodies that time.

    • Owelle

      September 29, 2014 at 2:55 pm

      Loool. U got me in stitches

    • Onye

      September 29, 2014 at 4:29 pm

      lol! Kai I can just picture it now.

    • Just me

      September 29, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      Very thoughtful response Neo, well done.

      Another thoughtful response from Ngozi.. Bravo!

      Ultimately, we all have to ask ourselves the real question, what would marriage mean to you?
      I have no answer to that yet, when i do maybe i’ll come here and ramble. When the time is right, the right person will show up. But i am not losing sleep over not being married at all.

      I would say, living in a foreign land, i do not feel the pressure as much. There is so much to do, i have little time to spend worrying over things i cannot control.
      You can’t force anyone to love you, accept your beliefs, your wants, your needs, your philosophy etcs. You can try and just hope you guys can agree on something. But like Ngozi mentioned, follow your instinct, 99.9% of the time it is always right.
      The guy who slaps you once in the name of love, is bound to slap you again in the same name if you do not address it the first time.
      The guy who is says blow job is the only excitment for him, is not lying to you, that is it. Do not think, you can miraculously change him to have sex in the cowgirl position.
      Some relationships are there for us to learn a thing or two before leading us to the right thing. Many us will kiss many rotten frogs before prince charming, it’s all in the process.
      Be encouraged single ladies.

  2. Berry Dakara

    September 29, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Chineke! Too many questions to answer Atoke! I’m coming back

    🙂

    • baby gyal

      September 29, 2014 at 12:23 pm

      I got married cos I fell in love with my friend and I didn’t want to let go. Also cos of the mind blowing sex 🙂 gosh,those were the days abeg this episiotomy should just heal sharply *runs away *

    • Easy n Gentle

      September 29, 2014 at 8:06 pm

      You just born and you want another already. Naughty naughty!

  3. Suwa

    September 29, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Thank you so much for this piece! my thoughts all weekend, i just turned 27 and just broke up cos i know ill cry harder than i did if i married the dude i was dating and i have friends saying ahhh, yiu should have endured, you cant start all over again, its late! and im like, by whose freaking standards!!! my friend is marrying the boy shes dating now because she cant bear to move on and have to sleep with another guy, lol! its crazy how people want to die and kill for marriage! My mother has told me to look well and prayed that the man will find me, not me looking and managing… MARRIAGE GUARANTEES MORE CHALLENGES IN THE LITTLE LIFE YOU HAVE! THE HAPPINESS PART, YOU CAN ONLY HOPE AND PRAY THAT YOU ARE HAPPY AND IT TAKES WORK! BUT YOU CAN BE SURE OF ISSUES. my lil observation, so far…. I am starting a new job this week, im sure ill face challenges and issues, but im hoping and praying im happy at it….I want to marry and stay happily married

    • ritawoman

      September 29, 2014 at 4:24 pm

      I’ve been through the same situation. It was a very difficult decision for me as I had to call off an abusive relationship of 8yrs a month to the wedding. It took me a year to get over the pain but trust me God helped me through. Today I have a man that worships the very ground I walk on. He practically opens every door for me and sometimes I just wonder if this is real. You have to stay strong. People are going to say things that will make you feel really bad. But trust me you are a better person today than you were yesterday.

  4. Iya

    September 29, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    “She sits in traffic on the way home knowing that she will probably get home to a frowning Aunty Funto, who is looking at the clock and wondering if she’s the “only one who works in VI”. Why does she have to come home after dinner has been made and chores have been done? Even worse if she works over the weekend or dares to have a social life.”…………..story of my life right now (with a few differences)….so frustrating. Nothing one does ever seems good enough because you, who was a princess in your father’s house, has suddenly become an eye-sore in one aunty’s house….*sigh* this too shall pass…

    • ritawoman

      September 29, 2014 at 4:16 pm

      I think ‘corporate housemaid’ better describes it. This too definitely shall pass

    • Brownie

      October 1, 2014 at 5:07 am

      AMEN

    • cythina

      October 4, 2014 at 9:49 pm

      amen

  5. aba

    September 29, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    A friend of mine got married a couple of days ago. We were chatting a day before the wedding and he going on about the stress the wedding was giving him. The only reason he could give for getting married was “society expects him to”! He is 37, his younger brother had gotten married 5 years earlier and has two kids now so he also had to find someone and marry.

  6. chy

    September 29, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    having a sanctified sex is one good reason i want to do it o. you sleep with a guy and he ends up not marrying you sucks like hell. aside from that i want to be able to lean on someone and be leaned on for all right reasons God made it so, it is said “2 are better than 1”.

    • Grace E

      September 29, 2014 at 2:26 pm

      @chy I concur 😀

    • Troublemaker

      September 29, 2014 at 3:49 pm

      Does that mean you slept with someone just because you think they will marry you?
      if so, I am very sorry… I believe in doing it with someone I have a connection to AND for the fun of it! Sleeping with someone in order to get a ring is just manipulation, it’s the same kind of people that would withhold it even while “sanctified” to get what they want. (this is not a dig at you, just my response to your comment led to the rest of my comment)

  7. Nikki

    September 29, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    I actually luv your style of writing this article..was good fun to read. I’m excited about the thought of spending the rest of my life with a man after God’s heart, my best friend..we have to be each other’s bestfriends..extremely important. However, I am not one who gets carried away by excitement and temporary pleasures. I would rather wait on God to introduce the right man into my life, instead of just jumping on anyone’s train that stops by, all in the name of getting married. I understand no one is perfect, hence I ask myself, assuming this man’s imperfection never evolves into perfection, am I good to accept him and his flaws for the rest of my life? I know marriage is the best thing ever when done right, I pray I get it right and I’m absolutely looking forward to it!

  8. deb

    September 29, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    MARRIAGE: If you have bad in laws(local mother inlaws and sis inlaws) just withdraw from them and be prayerful. If your husband now has a brother that has a girlfriend that is competing with you and forming a gang with the female inlaws, pls don’t even let her close to you.
    If you have a mother in law that smiles at you and say nasty things behind you, don’t try to please her it is not worth it.
    CONCLUSION: marriage is about you and ur partner with the exclusion of every other thing, stay together with your partner, trash out issues don’t dwell on your partners imperfection but the 2 of you try to work out your imperfection&of course be prayerful. If you have good inlaws, u are lucky!!!

  9. deb

    September 29, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    *every other person*

  10. Fossil

    September 29, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Uhmmm, life & marriage too broad, what happen when u re almost 40 years, u just want to get married any how ,all u could do is to pray and hope for the best. U can imagine getting married @ 46 years that means if u ve a baby immediately ur baby will only be 4 years old when u re marking ur 50 years birthday. & God help u if u ve delay. just let put everything in God’s hand, it is well or all will be well

  11. sum1special

    September 29, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Get married if you find a friend and a soulmate, other than that please do not get married yet.

  12. Grown Woman

    September 29, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    The pressure to marry in Africa, is just plain crazy.This is why someone will be married to an abusivive partner and next thing Aunty Bella will publish an article for advise.As in you meet someone and soon you start having all these wedding dreams and forgetting to do the proper daring.As in i believe getting time to know one another and knowing what you can or can’t tolerate is key .The reason i will marry my current bfi is bacause we understand each other and speak our minds.If i don’t like something i tell it like it is no point of killing yourself with a HBP mbanu.It is well.God’s time is the best.”Patience is not simply the ability to wait-its how we behave while we’re waiting” Quote from BN 🙂

  13. D

    September 29, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    That is the present life of my older brother and baby sister. My own is baby(Atoke you write a banter on the pressure to have babies). But my brother and sister shish, there some people who meet you and can try to talk the M or B word and you can shut down with a look or just ignore but some are close family and you just have to sit there and endure. The truth is my siblings are both not in a hurry to marry, infact, they are ok being single for the rest of their lives. Recently, lost our eldest to bad marriage so trust me that just made it even more concrete. Abeg marriage is not by force, before we lost my elder sister I had always said it and maintain that stand so much so now I will rather my other siblings remain single and live long then marry and be unhappy and worst case scenario, die. On the baby issue, yes we’ve been married almost 6 years but we just decided recently to start trying but try telling them Nigerians that. Thank God we live far away from such pressure not that they don’t call and still try to get on your case.

  14. Miss Anonymous

    September 29, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Marriage Is good if it’s done well. Sometimes I fantasise on what I’d like my marriage (not wedding) to be like, though to be honest, the only reasons I would like to get married are:
    1) To have “God ordained sex” and not feel guilty afterwards
    2) For procreation
    3) Combined income
    4) Companionship
    Not necessarily in this order though.
    When I think of in-laws and family functions where you have to show up and act like a “good wife”, not being able to make decisions unless you “consult” someone, having to cook when you don’t feel like because there are other mouths to be fed etc I am happy to be single.

    • Q

      September 29, 2014 at 6:54 pm

      Kindred spirit in here!

  15. Nikki

    September 29, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Marriage is a blessing… But then i’m very careful, I want to get married to someone I will annoy for the rest of our lives and he will take it . The miracle of joining a stranger man to a strangerer woman is one question no one can fathom… I love d way my parents live and my only sis as well …. I want to get married but not anyhow because everybody is. My kids can’t wait for there superb mum *wink*

  16. Grace E

    September 29, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    My goal ultimately is that even through hard times (‘cos frankly there’s no perfect relationship on God’s green earth) to ENJOY my marriage and not just ENDURE it!!! dazall…

  17. Veevian

    September 29, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Atoke always on point.

    This marriage pressure can be overwhelming here in 9ja and it’s leading to a lot of rush-in-rush-out marriages. It’s even discouraging to get into one now. Someone i know rushed into marriage cos she wanted a baby so bad, one year gone and two miscarriages, it’s been one fight after the other between she and hubby. The basis of the marriage was a baby and it’s not forthcoming, there’s now trouble in paradise. What happened to friendship, companionship, togetherness and growing old with someone. That’s what i’m looking for.

    Oh and also someone to rescue me from my own “aunty Funto” – My mum! And of course to have plenty God-sanctified sex, not all these back door ish LOL

  18. nammy

    September 29, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    1. To have someone to gist about my day with, to tell all the Joys nd woes I experience at work. My parents don’t hav my time nd frnds r not always readily available.
    2. I rily want a baby girl that looks just like me, we wld b soo close nd wear same clothes- but it’s marriage first b4 baby.
    3. To have legal sex.
    4. I envy the respect that comes from being married in naija, u immeadiately become madam, not girl cos u r now a Mrs.

    That being said, if it is to escape aunty funto (which I hav had my share of back in d days), enter keke napep, trekking which I still do e.t.c. il gladly work 2 earn it not wait for a man. Marriage can b blissful but not a necessity nd definitely not to escape life’s problems.

    • yet_dup

      October 8, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      Laffing hard at you @wanting a gal that looks just like you, but then God does have a big sense of humor. He just may dash you a dota who is the exact look-alike of her father *deep sigh* my deepest and most cherished wish was to have a gal that LOOKED ooooo so like me, but na she’s her papa’s dota tried & true. Or He blesses you with only boys *smiling*. Well for me that would have been better than having a dota that looks nothing like me *another sigh*! Sorry for the epistle.

  19. Ready, willing and able

    September 29, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    Nice write up!! i have been wondering why i want to get married 4 days to be sure and not do things the wrong way. Seriously, i have so many reasons like , i want to start my own family, have babies and have my home…….. list long! my prob is i am excited and looking forward but i dont want to rush into that. i think getting married will stop all this wahala of jumping to guys anyhow. i really just want to do it rightly and not rush into mistakes bc divorce is not an option for me.

    @Aba, i feel that that guy ohhh, pple just get pressure from society and tend to marraige as aa way of cutting out all the talks…. its cruel but a man is got to do what a man is got to do

  20. MO

    September 29, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    “Almighty marriage – the solution to all accommodation, logistics and status problems. Marriage is extremely important to a Nigerian. It invests upon the parties a certain level of respect and status. For the man, it is an indication that he is ‘responsible’, and for the woman… oh well, for one she gets to say “My husband and I…” It’s really cute to watch”.
    And after the said “respect” this marriage seemingly brings your way which your life had been so starved of that you had to marry the next robotic and awfully boring you can hardly carry on a sensible conversation with that comes your way, you and you alone will sit down to your “cup of misery”.
    Sanu ehn, for those who got married for this reason.

    Talk of other wrong reasons to get married, someone once said she wanted to get married so she could “dress like a married woman”. Pls o, how do they dress? I thought to myself “And when you marry a wife-beater in the process, you had better dress like an ‘abused married woman’ please”.

    “The head first dive to marry, however, is not limited to women. A lot of men are nagged every day to ‘settle down’. They’re told that they need to put down roots. “What are you still waiting for? See how skinny you are. Or you still want to be chasing girls up and down?” And so, ready or not, they take the plunge (after all, who is ever really ready?)”.
    Biko, how many of these “well-meaning-but-annoyingly-so” loved ones will live with you if in a bid to shut them up you end up with the WRONG person. I have come to understand that the badgering from our loved ones is well-intended but like most things in life, its outcome is totally dependent on the manner we choose to react to them, how much we let them guide our decision-making process. Don’t get it twisted, marriage is a beautiful thing but can be one hellish place to live in as well when approached wrongly, for all the wrong reasons, with the wrong person.

    P.S: Women, if we really want to earn that respect we all are clamoring for, let’s quit using these men as a form of escape from our expenses. Your wedding ceremony, no contribution from you, marry him and he practically has to see your entire household through the university with not so much as an input from you Ah! Anu e o se mi. My aunt once told me of a woman whose child was crying profusely that it attracted her attention, when she sought to know the cause of the kid’s tears, the mother had this to say: “she wants to eat biscuit but the father is not around” Chai!!! My aunt was lost for words as she handed some money over to the woman who unabashedly took it with a big smile on her face as she said “Thank you ma”.
    As regards your respect, you go old o.

  21. Veevian

    September 29, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    Atoke always on point.

    This marriage pressure can be overwhelming here in 9ja and it’s leading to a lot of rush-in-rush-out marriages. It’s even discouraging to get into one now. Someone i know rushed into marriage cos she wanted a baby so bad, one year gone and two miscarriages, it’s been one fight after the other between she and hubby. The basis of the marriage was a baby and it’s not forthcoming, there’s now trouble in paradise. What happened to friendship, companionship, togetherness and growing old with someone. That’s what i’m looking for.

    Oh and also someone to rescue me from my own “aunty Funto” – My mum! And of course to have plenty God-sanctified sex, not all these back door ish LOL

  22. Grace E

    September 29, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    @Veevian..you typed my heart down….1000% for your comment!!!

  23. DOO

    September 29, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Atoke, you are an efiko! You should consider getting the title “Mrs” rather than “Dr”

  24. AW

    September 29, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Marriage is waking up from a beautiful dream and having to deal with your reality. Do not buy into the hype. Because you don’t agree on certain issues, doesn’t mean the marriage should end. People are too quick to give up and I think the reason for this is because they have bought into the hype and expect too much.
    My personal motto; don’t expect too much from your partner so that when it doesn’t happen, you are not heartbroken. But when it does, you are pleasantly surprised and you appreciate and enjoy the moment.
    Marry your friend, at least if he/she doesn’t have your corner as your husband/wife, they will as your friend. That friendship will keep you guys when the passion has simmered down and the kids have left home.
    As for in-laws, distance makes the heart grow fonder!

    • AW

      September 29, 2014 at 3:15 pm

      Forgot to add; marriage is a bed of roses, be prepared to lie with the thorns as well! Happy hunting

    • Grace E

      September 29, 2014 at 3:27 pm

      @AW LOL @ in-laws… and from people’s stories and experiences…a wicked mother-in-law is a hybrid devil 😀

  25. Arin

    September 29, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    No disrespect to Atoke, your writing is simply brilliant. I know I have stolen some of your quotes in the past. This marriage talk Don tire me biko. I am exhausted by it, it is slow becoming boring. If I got a penny for ” why so hot so single”? ” what do you want in a man”?” you must be picky” if I got a penny for every time, everyday!! I am asked these question eeeish billionaire of life. Peace… to the middle east.

  26. MissW

    September 29, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Hmmmm….the big M called marriage, what can I say just thinking about it scares me and then it excites its kinda like a mixture of both, being single is one hell of a job and den being married that should be serious work o! But I really do want to get married to the right person cos life is already tough as it is talk more of going with the wrong person. But for me there’s no pressure cos i want a beautiful life and so even when my mum talks I just turn her out.,.family dramas. Marriage should be enjoyed not endured cos I can basically say my mum endures hers and I don’t want that kind of life for my self.

  27. Blackky

    September 29, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    I grew up in Calabar and moved to Lagos about 5 years ago and my biggest cultural shock was that here in Lagos, most guys get married before they clock 30!!! Now this scares the shit out of me as a lady because most guys . Back at home, my cousin (who got a job in Chevron SA) got married at 27 and everyone was wondering where the boy was rushing to. He met his wife during one of his trips back home and in less than 6 months, wedding bells were ringing. Good news is, the guy is still married and has 2 beautiful kids to show for it, 4 years down the line. Now, my cousin is definitely an exception to the general rule because most guys down South only consider settling down after they turn 30.

  28. Grace E

    September 29, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    I think marriage is such a beautiful arrangement that if both parties strive to do it right, it becomes such a blessing, delightful and worthy institution…sadly, the way God intended it is not how we humans have turned it into…the infidelity, distrust, all types of disloyalty and lies that plague most marriages today just makes me sad sometimes.. To think that an unfaithful mate will give an innocent spouse an STD is just………..!!!!!!!!

    and then on the other end of the spectrum, u have the ones who after several disagreements, they conclude that they are incompatible and cite “irreconcilable differences” which has become some map and road to divorce. However, not withstanding all these, there are still some beautiful long lasting marriages out there….

    but hmmm I would not like my mate and I to have divorce or separation in our marital glossary. For this reason, we will do all that it takes within our power to avoid any situations or actions that will lead to the aforementioned…AMEN..!!! 😀

  29. nammy

    September 29, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Atoke, Il help u bind and cast the doctorate demon but that’s if u rily don’t want it. I don’t Judge those that aim at reading to the highest level possible so pls don’t Judge me too wen I say am content with Bsc. Its not by masters or doctorate, but by who has d choice job, business nd happiness

  30. Hawtie!

    September 29, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Initially, I had always told my friends that I cldnt marry a man if the sex between us wasn’t mind blowing. Then I met this guy..we had the best fireworks, he was Sauvé, charming, (very)intelligent, neat, he ticked all the superficial boxes I had created, but then I saw that he had a lot of pride in him, we would have lil issues and he wld delete me off bbm immediately, only for him to re-invite me. I would go to his house and see traces of that a female had been there(strands of hair, extra toothbrush etc), funny enough, my face towels were always converted to kitchen rags before after a week of absence from his house, with the excuse that the fell of the hook to the floor and I cldnt use them again. he was proposing but I knew within me that I couldn’t tolerate these things in marriage, he lacked respect for me, funny enough I am working o, and making my own money, but I still sensed a superiority born of his over chauvinistic nature, Then I met this other guy who was a direct opposite of him, I got to know that mindblowing sex should have been at the bottom of my checklist,. The new guy wasn’t as intelligent as I would have liked or as neat as I would have liked, he is not as eloquent as I wld have preferred but he RESPECTS and adores me so much, he treats me like a queen, he made me see that being in a relationship that lacks respect is corrosive on a woman’s self esteem. Sometimes I wish the sex could be more fantastic, but then I know its gonna improve. because I would not give up this wonderful man. I have started changing his wardrobe and his toiletries, have started morphing him into a more refined person, and he is loving it. He is proposing and I asked him to hold on. I want to seek Gods face before I accept or reject although if everything goes well, he is the one. I am not in a hurry to get married, I have a fair job that takes care of my needs, I am 25 but I am going to do everything to make it work, because I know this man wld always have my back, and that is enough reason for me.

    • Onye

      September 29, 2014 at 4:34 pm

      It’s good you recognised this at 25. Some people are marrying and divorcing before 30 because they went after the hot sex and ignored every other signal.

    • Easy n Gentle

      September 29, 2014 at 8:21 pm

      Halfway thru your post, I feared you were one of my ex, until I saw the ”has no respect for me” part. Thank God

    • MJ

      October 2, 2014 at 11:32 am

      Dear Hawtie,

      I am glad you are full of wisdom! Keep on and seek God’s face. It gladdens me when young people are not subdued by marriage pressure and recognise good Men when they see it and remove themselves from worthless relationships! I am hoping for the best for you and Mr 😉

  31. Beverly

    September 29, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    A frnd of mine said she wants 2 marry so she will ave somebody 2 ask her ‘wot d problem is’.She did but d man was not d asking type. Now she’s back 2 her parents ‘ hse.Anoda frnd married cos her mum wanted grand kids.So when she met David,a xtian,she was happy,esp when d guy said no sex until after marriage.Wot happened? Bros na impotent! 3yrs after,she left.
    I wnt 2 marry but it has 2 b somebody I can stand,respect n like.I get tired of pple easily so am praying God 2 help me stand d longevity of marriage. Most Nigerians marry 4 all d wrong reasons.

  32. chinco

    September 29, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    The only reasons why I want 2 be married is so that I can have 2 kids in a nice stable home and so I don’t die alone…every other thing associated with marriage I can get cus I like to think I’m superwoman, lol

  33. Blackky

    September 29, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    I grew up in Calabar and moved to Lagos about 5 years ago. My biggest cultural shock was that here in Lagos, most guys get married before they clock 30!!! Now this scares the shit out of me as a lady because guys I meet are either married or younger than I am. Back at home, my cousin (who got a job in Chevron SA) got married at 27 and everyone was wondering where the boy was rushing to. He met his wife during one of his trips back home and in less than 6 months, wedding bells were ringing. Good news is, the guy is still married and has 2 beautiful kids to show for it – 4 years down the line. Now, my cousin is definitely an exception to the general rule because most guys down South only consider settling down after they turn 30. So the pressure for guys to marry early is some what alien to me. Now that is not to say that it is bad to marry early if you find the right person and you are settled within yourself that its the best thing to do. Fortunately, am blessed with parents who already have loads of grand children so I don’t feel pressured to jump into marriage. But marriage for me is a necessity for companionship, help, emotional attraction and am definitely in need of someone I can call my baby….(#calabargirlthings)

  34. Hauwa

    September 29, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    I must say I love your writing! You have touched on something I consider a raw nerve!

    Unlike most of of the posters here, I am married, I have been so for the last 17 years… I have literary seen the good, the bad, the ugly (in-laws). I married my friend… the sex was (and is still very hot – (pass me that fan!) that is, if we ever get round to doing it! IN A BUSY LIFE, sometimes, that can be OVERRATED

    I married my friend, really except sometimes life happens, and the R(relationship) has been rubbed out more times than I care to remember and that friend has become fiend! Still we carry on, how could we not, with 4 kids in the the mix! (I told you the sex is really good).

    Anyways, I am a very independent woman, I can do GOOD all by myself, but I let myself get pressurized, not by people only, but my me. Being married was a goal, a degree i had to achieve in my long line of accolades. If I had to do all again, I’d do differently.

    Ladies, STOP judging yourself or others by the piece of metal on their finger… (Bella Weddings take note lol…) I cringe when I read some comments in that section). Your worth is not until someone picks you… I do NOT need my spouse to prove to me that I am worthy, I KNOW WHAT I AM, and it’s something fierce! No apologies. So whether my other half is loving me up… or loving me down, it’s no deal breaker for me… cos I know me and love me.

    So ladies, love yourself and yourselves (one another) first, and let everything else be jara! ‘Nough said!

    Sorry my post is so long. Bella you really should start a singles who are doing well section! Or is that too westernised! You have so much on getting to the marriage goal post; we need some balance.

  35. Beautiful

    September 29, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    ‘Committing your life to another person is a really big deal. God knows I don’t want to do it because I am terrified of having to go back to a life of my mother asking me if I’ve made Daddy’s carrot juice. Or having to sleep in the heat because “In this house, the generator goes off at 10.30pm”

    hi Atoke u’v got a great sense of humor n writing skills. kudos. i totally relate to your post. however from the quote above, are u saying u dont ever want to be married? if yes is that the only reason or u have other personal reasons? it wud be nice to know. do take care

    • hauwa

      September 29, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      Why. If she does decide not to get married, must she write an explanation…here we go ..smh!

    • Fossil

      September 29, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      Pls make sure u ve kids even if u decide not to get married before u die of loneliness in old age. Being 50 years old without a husband or kid is killing oooo. Take my advice

  36. Personal Assistant

    September 29, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    Marriage here, marriage there… I have so done the living with aunt thing. Even when she had a maid, she go still carry face for you because you are going out on the only free day you have in a week which is Sunday. As for me I no see trailer not to talk of the driver Inside. This happened for about 4years and it was not easy. It was like I was the last lady to arrive home from the island and the first to leave Mainland in the morning.
    Concerning marriage I think I am wired differently. All my life I always have back up plans up to Plan Z. Plan A……is marry Young handsome rich bobo bla bla bla. But that is not gonna happen because I am so not into interested in any Young dude. I cant be bothered with a lot of Young guys stuff. So I am just gonna score me some oyibo man when I am ready to share my space and think of another soul (naija young guys irritate me now sorry to say because i don too suffer for their hands, maybe i met the most stupid ones sha but then you get a conclusion from two premises)
    Make una no cuss me abeg na my mind i talk. thank you

  37. Doxa

    September 29, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Myles Monroe once said that no matter how long you’ve dated a person, you can’t know him/her completely. You enter marriage with part knowledge and part faith and make up your mind to put in your best as you really can’t know what is in the other person’s mind. You might decide that divorce is not an option and the other person is thinking ‘let’s see how it goes’.
    Some people say pre-marital sex is necessary for checking compatability, others say if you sleep with him, he won’t marry you. (I preach abstinence because I am a christian). Yet you see people who abstained because they were hiding something and those who had an explosive sex life but it all came crumbling. Let’s not forget those whom the guy married eventhough he had slept with her.
    Some say marry your friend, but we all know people change. If you have lived all your life on this earth without at least one friend who betrayed you or started acting strange at some point, then you are blessed. That your friend that you married/want to marry can change!
    Some people say they must date for at least a year, others say if both parties are ready, why wait? Yet we have heard of those who dated for 8, 5, 4 years but the marriage still crumbled. On the reverse I remember a BN commenter who said she got married 2 weeks after meeting her husband for the first time and they have spent 4 years together (was it 2 weeks or 5 days sef? Not that 4 years is the standard sha).
    …..and the list goes on: marry from your church; marry from your tribe; igbo men only respect igbo ladies; any lady less than 25 doesn’t understand what marriage is all about; all men cheat, stop looking for a saint; there are no good girls around anymore, just pick one and marry; any unmarried man above 40 is a player, beware; if she is such a wonderful person how come she is still single at 35?; etc, etc.
    I don’t have the formular for having a successful marriage, but we can start by putting aside all these old wives tales and focus on reality and what really matters.
    Be true to yourself, one size does not fit all in this matter. Don’t ignore your instincts, it can save your life and if you believe in God then let Him guide you in making a choice, He knows the end from the beginning.

    • Tolu

      September 29, 2014 at 9:29 pm

      I wish I could kiss you right now Doxa.. Plenty homo. Lool.. I’m joking. But hey, u couldn’t have said it better.. from top to bottom!

    • Vivadrew

      October 9, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Spot on. E hugs for your comment

  38. ngozi

    September 29, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    preach doxa!!! i agree with you 100%… And atoke, thanks for the article, this came at the right time when am you know “pushing age 30”.. lol..

  39. babygiwa

    September 29, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    Atoke this is really down to earth. Let me tell you once more, you are my favourite writer on this blog. Your easy writing style is priceless and may God bless you. I want to get an online masters and do a few professional courses after my Bsc and after that, no more! Back to the topic, I want to marry my friend, have God-ordained sex (no guilty feelings after), someone I can laugh at and laugh with, someone I can watch and argue football with, some I can pray for and pray with, someone I can get up in the middle of the night to cook for, someone i’d have babies with (and be comfortable knowing they’d have a piece of him in them), someone that I can discover life and face life challenges with, someone who’d let me be and most importantly someone who’d let it all be worth it. Ps: and I am ready to give what I want, cus in my books, marriage is give and take. Peace, love and chocolates! (no be me go follow Atoke they eat yamayama becus she no wan add weight)

    • Doxa

      September 29, 2014 at 10:29 pm

      Someone you can laugh at, laugh with and be laughed at by. No be say if the guy laff you, you go come dey vex. Lool!

  40. babygiwa

    September 29, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Atoke this is really down to earth. Let me tell you once more, you are my favourite writer on this blog. Your easy writing style is priceless and may God bless you. I want to get an online masters and do a few professional courses after my Bsc and after that, no more! Back to the topic, I want to marry my friend, have God-ordained sex (no guilty feelings after), someone I can laugh at and laugh with, someone I can watch and argue football with, someone I can pray for and pray with, someone I can get up in the middle of the night to cook for, someone i’d have babies with (and be comfortable knowing they’d have a piece of him in them), someone that I can discover life and face life challenges with, someone who’d let me be and most importantly someone who’d let it all be worth it. Ps: and I am ready to give what I want, cus in my books, marriage is give and take. Peace, love and chocolates! (no be me go follow Atoke dey eat yamayama becus she no wan add weight)

  41. Ife

    September 29, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    I’m going to be 22 yrs old in a few months and I cant count how many times people have asked me if I’m now in a serious relationship. In fact, immediately i graduated from school my aunt asked me if i was engaged. Marriage has always been a big deal for Nigerians but its just so annoying when marriage seems to be the one thing that can validate a woman’s existence in this part of the world. I was having a conversation with someone I had just met for the first time and when he learnt that i was a graduate he asked in a funny tone “we should be expecting a wedding invitation soon abi?”… i quickly answered and told him that i wanted to do my masters before crossing the bridge of marriage.
    It’s sad that people don’t travel the path of self discovery before jumping into marriage and when they jump in, they live miserably. I desire to be married, i desire to be a wife to a wonderful man and a mother to beautiful kids but first i shall discover myself, and enjoy my youthful and single days.

  42. x-factor

    September 29, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    @ Atoke…thou art in the spirit….
    These comments are conversation of the 22nd Century…

  43. x-factor

    September 29, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    conversations

  44. Ololade

    September 29, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    Atoke, great piece….Marriage is deep and so many people are getting married for the wrong reasons…..The most important question we should always ask IS WHY DO I WANT TO GET MARRIED NOW?

  45. iren

    September 29, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    Atoke, if I promise to wear flats, can I be your bridesmaid?
    Cos we know you will marry.
    #chucklesdeviously

  46. dolapo

    September 29, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Married for some months. Dated for four years before. One thing that helps us stay together is just wanting to. Before getting married, there were doubts because in the 4 years of dating, we knew each other’s imperfections. But they were things we both decided we could live with. Everyday though, there is something new to deal with. Ok, every week. It is just human nature and I imagine that even kids would have their everyday pettinesses that must be handled day-to-day.

    One thing I couldn’t live with was the controlling in-law. As she boarded the bus/plane back to her abule, I was like see you!! She has hardly heard from me since, and her family members have also now put pressure on her to leave us and stop prying in our affairs and manipulating one and the other. I am still dealing with some damage from the dating years, but I can say I cut her off – whatsapp, phone calls, etc. Will see her next month and be civil, but at least she knows where I stand. I didn’t think I could say ‘no but life is good.

    Anyway, there is a lot of criticism when marriages end in the first year. It is good to know that regardless of how good ‘friends’ you are, regardless of how much you love each other, the first year of marriage is just hard, period, and some couples don’t make it. The criticism and saying they didn’t marry for love is not necessary. Even our parents and grandparents often have some convenience included in their reasons for marrying. All the best to those searching for a girl or a bobo, I wish you God’s speed.

  47. Pauline

    September 29, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    Right now, I’m yet to think of d perfect reason I’d like to be married. But I knw I won’t jump into marriage because my friends are all married.

  48. Mabel

    September 29, 2014 at 11:31 pm

    Let who wish to marry, marry and those who wish not to, not marry. Marriage should never be used as a yardstick by which one’s value is measured. Of course, if one wishes to be a parent it is the best thing we have in place for raising children, so yes, get married if you wish to be a parent. For a woman she must choose wisely when selecting a mate because in all likelihood she will work much harder than the man in the marriage. She will toil for Caesar, and also come home to do another shift tending to her household, her burden will be great as a mother and wife, so she must seek wisdom in making her choice of a spouse, because she could find herself stuck with someone who only make her burdens greater.

    I honestly would say wait as long as you can wait before you marry. Use your talents to see how far you can go in the world, and make your money well. Learn who you are in and out, develop and solidly you relationship with God, go travel and see the world. be fabulous, and live fabulously, then when you have had your fill of those things you can start turning your sights toward marriage. Once you marry you will never be single ever again, so treat your time as a single woman with reverence, it is an enjoyable and fun time, do not hate it and look at it as a burden you have to pass through until you get married, because there will be many a times as a married woman where you will wish you had those single days again, even if it’s just to come home to peace and quiet for one day.

  49. lepa

    September 29, 2014 at 11:49 pm

    Hmmmm. Wonderful write up. Kudos
    To me I see marriage as two good frds who ar willing to take d friendshp further by solemnising. It. Marriage is mostly abt “tolerance”. I come frm a family wherby afta 15yrs of marraige my parents called it quits. My dad remarried and lo and behold. He is experiencing bitter tins bt who is he to complain. He has learnt to live with. It and enjoy d. Good moments. Wat has dis taught me.
    I’ve. Learnt dat marriage isn’t a bed of roses. It requires work and deep commitment frm both partners.
    I graduated at d age of. 26 and most of my family members were already on my neck abt husband. I just got of a relationshp 2 years b4 and. Wasn’t ready for heartbreak. I stayed single for 3 yrs. And .was I happy? Kinda. I’ve learnt dat if u ar nt happy being on ur own u can’t be happy wit a partner. Afta my leave I’ve met several men who my cousin will just advice me to manage and just get married cos. Time is goin!! Hw can I manage a guy who deletes me on FB cos of a lil issue, who.has anger issues etc. I’ve felt frustrated bt I dint giv in. Hw will it feel like to wake up. one morning and regret evr marrying. Marriage scares me a bit mayb cos of. My parents experience I am 31yrs and in a happy relationshp. I pray for d best to happen bt wen it does I want to believe I av a companion who. We will be able to stand thru thick and thin and is committed to make d marriage work cos I knw its nt a bed of roses. Marriage is sweet bt its sweeter wen both partners ar committed

  50. BlueEyed

    September 30, 2014 at 8:51 am

    Let’s not also forget that men also hav the great burden of choosing the right partner nd marrying for the right reasons , I do not feel men have it easier than women, and they also have to work as hard , I met a guy who for all good reasons said he doesn’t think he would get married not for any ulterior motives but for the single fact that he believed that men should not always have it easy because of their gender (the excuse to enjoy their youth and still find a lady to settle down with) he has decided not put any lady in that position where he feels like he will be doing her a favor. The issue of marriage is as tricky as to why rice is a staple food, but we should enter it for the right reasons and not regret later

  51. babygiwa

    September 30, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    @Doxa, Hahahahaha. Nahh

  52. Ayaba

    October 1, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    This Aunty Funto thing reminds me of my own experience. In this case in was my parents (Mum esp).
    i almost ran from home as a matter of fact i started packing my things to run off to the village
    to live with my aunt when i rembered she loves farming a lot and going to live with her would
    mean i would be going to the farm everyday. LOL i jejely stopped right there! Gosh i hate farming worst still everyday matter. essh!!
    At that time i had a BF and potential suitors too and i almost fell into the temptation of agreeing
    to marry one of them just so that i could leave and not have to stay wth ma parents. i shared my thots with ma BF and he obviously advised against it, not only for the fact that he is ma BF and wldn’t wanna let me go, he said that is not the right reason for marrying someone.
    i want to marry in order to make love without the guilt afterwards, raise a family, for companionship in fact there r many little little benefits abt marriage here n
    there and i am ready to get into it and when i do i knw dat it will be for better or for worse reason why i took ma time and prayed well and searched well .

  53. vortex

    October 1, 2014 at 10:00 pm

    And all that should be said has been. Good read- article and comments.

  54. kenora

    October 2, 2014 at 2:20 am

    l think rushing into marriage ,isn’t the right thing to do. i meant this guy ,and we started talking. after 2 days ,i heard him telling his frds ,that he has found a wife,i was like ,is dis guy insane?then he started telling me..i am going to have his kids….one week later i visited him..and he told m …to have sex with him..i refused…then i asked him, do u think i will have sex with u ..without knowing u better…he said but i promise to marry u…then i left..the day i left his house ,was the last day he called me…..most guys do use this marriage issue to take advantage on ladies…one thing i believe is to let God’s will to be done …..

  55. Ade

    October 2, 2014 at 6:43 am

    Hmn! Marriage Marriage Marriage just the thing I have had on my mind lately and I consciously told myself I was praying to God about tonight before I sleep which I would do…. I guess minus the pressure its just what everywoman wants. An average person has the need for relationships think women more than men…no one is wired to be alone I think…though then I have heard married people who for one reason or the other say they have never felt so lonely in their lives… I think for me the scary part is (maybe because I have a very hectic job I am a litigation lawyer and I don’t see it getting easier as I go along) is just giving one’s life to work and you wake up one day and all you have is your empty decorated house after a hard day’s job I mean I see it a lot in my field as well as other fields successful women, partners in law firms but no child or marriage I am not saying they chose that part as I don’t think anybody deliberately chooses that part but there is just something wrong with that picture for me… You wonder if they arent missing something( some are even for no reason extremely cranky I mean at the height of my busyness this year, I was so cranky a male colleague said to me with all the seriousness he could muster, babes this one that you are cranky and setting off all the time you need to have sex!, it will calm you down) so I guess the summary of the epistle is and I may be wrong is that marriage ought to give some wholeness something beyond career like the whole package career marriage and kids… A WHOLE life maybe I am wrong I don’t know but it just seems better and worth pursing than the single life

  56. Jaennie

    October 2, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    You really got me on this one… For me, it was when I was younger that I set an age that I’ll get married n all that, but what bout Gods own plan?(I asked myself). The years are passing by, ships sailing and sinking.. I want to get married simply cos I want to be with someone who understands me, be happy seeing what I look like in my minime..

  57. Mochi

    October 2, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    Been married for 4 and a half years. We dated for 8 years and have an adorable son who is 2 and a half. Imediately we graduated (him a year ahead) we started getting the ‘oya, get good jobs so you can do the needfull i.e marriage’ and we were like …….uhn?

    Like any normal relationship we had issues, major ones sef. At a point in time our mums even adviced us to break up lol! But im so happy for those 8 yrs of loving/fighting/make up. I can honestly tell you i married my soul mate. I believe what helped us was that we both had the samegoal: to be together!And so, all the arguements and fights and all were with this goal in mind….can i live with this forever, does it matter in the great scheme of things? By the time he proposed, we were both sure that this was something we wanted.

    My husband isnt perfect but he is perfect for me.My parents divorced when i was 8 and while i love him to pieces i vowed never to even date a guy (read player) like my dad so that narrowed the field considerably. Hubby is hawt, with the sexiest baritone ever! Snazzy dresser and cosmopolitan to bits but you know what all dat one no mata o! (ive been a wingman for my dad since i was 10 so ive seen all the moves, my dad at 50 something is still a dude!)

    When people asked me why i love my husband so much, i can only answer ‘Because he is a GOOD man! His good heart has consistently directed his actions whether there were 100 people there or just me. Even when i want to ‘wuru wuru’ something he goes ‘Babe, that wont be fair/its not right’ and i get so frustrated and start muttering about ‘goody goody ‘ people. but then i remember….Thats why ive trusted my heart to him! Thats why ive let him see the bad and ugly parts no one else has a clue about! Thats why i can tell him my darkest fears ansd insecurities and know he wont use them against me in the heat of a fight!

    All i wanted was a good man and God gave me a man who didnt blink an eye when in all the ‘push push’ of the labor room yours truly pushed out some waste products via the back door!
    The enthusiasm with which he ‘goes down there’ during the deed sef, i wonder if he remembers,lol!

    My 2 cents after all this my story…..decide that one trait you cant live without and the one you cant stand in a spouse. Let it become the cornerstone/whip by which you discern and take the rest from there

    • Van

      October 4, 2014 at 11:14 pm

      Your comment made me smile. It describes my marriage well. I married a GOOD man also and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    • rih rih

      January 13, 2015 at 3:00 pm

      God Bless u for dis piece. I sincerely wish you all d best in ur marriage.
      I think we shud have more of dis kinda write ups rada Dan give pple room to remain single at 35. Menopause is now 32 ooo. LOL
      I tnk we all shud jst see our partners as siblings and love dem like that. U can NEVER have an Ex-broda or Ex-Sister no matter of terrible they are. #LiveAndLetLive. #UpholdTheGoodInPeopleAndForgetTheBad.
      #NoManIsASaint

  58. maguire

    October 3, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Thank you so much Atoke!! I had a serious introspection about marriage and ,m calling off my engagement because it does nt augur well with my reality. THANK YOU!

  59. Makafui

    October 3, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    All inlaws are evil. Got it. Doesn’t it make you evil as well unless of course you are Adam. In that case, no parents, no siblings

  60. Tired wife

    October 3, 2014 at 11:58 pm

    Got married at 35 cos I felt I was ready and met a friend we shared the same values with……the mistake I made was being in a long distance relationship……..u never get to really know the person in diff circumstances enough to make an informed decision…..I do not believe you marry a man and his family but it’s good to know the kind of people they are to avoid certain problems…I married a man from a disfunctional home, polygamy, adultery n all sorts, now some of those issues are having a backlash on our own marriage…I do not say my family is perfect but we don’t have most of the drama his has..nobody is perfect but u must both decide to remain committed no matter what…I believe God brought me together with him to be a help meet in that area but it’s so tiring when u just have to keep praying and enduring so much from one person…….9 years going and am so tired of his drama I want out…..you can be ready to marry for the right reasons but if u do not take your time to know the other persons background and demons oppressing their family you will spend valuable time doing uneccessary warfare and battles……

    • Nife

      October 6, 2014 at 1:39 pm

      I think I understand ur comment perfectly and what u r going through. And I pray God settles you perfectly in and out. Cheers dear

  61. Hilda

    October 4, 2014 at 11:01 am

    This comment made me want a ‘hate this’ button. So disgusting.

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