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Mz Chizzy: Backing Up Your Heart Drive

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Life is full of uncertainties. Have a plan B, C, D, E…was the tweet of the year as far as my good friend Ochuko was concerned. That tweet summed up her reasons for having 2 side-boos. “All these men cannot be trusted you know”, she would always say. Her rather spurious point of view got me thinking about this whole concept of having a backup plan in a relationship all in the bid to minimize unwanted heartache. Did Chiwetalu Agu not say that a man who chases two rats will definitely lose both?
Whatever you choose to call it: fall-back partner, plan B, backup, spare tyre, just in case partner, standby, the fact remains that a few of us are like Ochuko…hopefully not worse (2 is too much o)
Hey guys! I don’t mean to make you feel paranoid about your relationship but there’s 50-50 chance that your partner has already handpicked your replacement in case your relationship turns sour and this substitution is usually an old flame. Other candidates might include a colleague, gym buddy, brother at church, *insert more here*.

There are arguments for and against the idea of having a backup in a relationship. #TeamNoBackUp would say pro-backup reeks of low self-esteem, selfishness and a lack of integrity. For #TeamNoBackUp, relationships with back-ups often lack 2 vital elements for a successful relationship – honesty and trust, plus when you have a backup, you tend to give up on your relationship at the slightest provocation, even when your partner is oblivious of what he/she has done wrong.
#TeamBackUpBiko would play the “do not keep all your eggs in one basket” card. For them, it is backup all the way until one has started planning THE wedding and picking out IV samples and all. They preach it is the wise thing to do if you do not want to be left high and dry by some douchebag, unless you are omniscient, in this case having absolute knowledge of how your relationship will pan out. They argue that if one can have backup for every other thing in life, why not a backup lover, especially since matters of the heart are as delicate and fickle as they come. #TeamBackUpBiko also do not mind revealing the identity of their backups to their current partners. I really do not know how this works but I hear it induces fear in their partners and they tend to put in a lot more effort in pleasing their mates.
I think I’d like to align with #TeamNoBackUp and no, not because Le Boo will read this, but because Bradley Cooper is taken.

A backup plan goes against the very essence of romantic relationships –total love and trust for your partner. Having a backup only illuminates the deficiencies in your current relationship – deceit, lack of communication and…wait for it…INSECURITY! Falling in love (for real) comes with the whole package – the good times and the not-so-good times (minus physical assault o). If you put 100% into your relationship, what time would you have for a backup? Always remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

My 2 cents would be: If you have to put all your eggs in one basket, at least boil them and then hand them over to God. That is your own “work or action” accompanying your “faith”. And if you want to keep your options open, please keep your legs closed while you at it.

I still strongly feel you could have Plan Bs for every other thing in life but not for matters of the heart…somehow, I consider it a selfish and wicked thing to do to your mate and to the backup. Some sisters are still praying to Baba God for one and you’re there keeping the few good men as backup? Diaris God o! If you have strong feelings for your backup, then your current partner was definitely not your guy to begin with.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang

MzChizzy is the writer behind bottleforthepain.wordpress.com. She thinks for a living. She can simultaneously be the nicest and meanest person you’d ever meet. She loves fufu more than life itself and hates taking pictures with a passion. Follow her on twitter @Mzz_Chizzy ‘cos you won’t find her on Instagram.

25 Comments

  1. Doubly Abashed

    November 2, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    I just ended a ‘situationship’ (it was a relationship all the while to me at least, till i learnt otherwise) He had an exit strategy all along whereas I was being the ride-or-die, fully involved, in some sense idealistic (read naive) party in the relationship. I realize now that you can almost always tell your significant other is not playing all his/her cards. The signs are there, it’s up to you to remove the love tinted lenses and react accordingly. Looking back, and in fact from henceforth, I shall line up fall back options 1, 2, 3, and 4. Only drop all other suitors if and only if Mr Man puts the diamond on my finger and even then sleep with one eye open and one leg out. I will never again be caught sleeping on a bike

  2. teekay

    November 2, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Nice write up. But this is so true. All this back up wont make u give in your best in the relationship. If u r going to love someone pls do wiv ur whole heart nd leave the rest to God.if u feel ur partner isnt treating u right u tell him nd if no change u walk away. I pray God lead us to the right person

    • cleo

      November 3, 2014 at 11:50 am

      I agree with you Teekay.

    • Meen

      November 5, 2014 at 2:25 am

      Imagine giving ur all in a relationship and getting stabbed in the back by finding out that he had 3/4 others girls lined up. abeg #TeambackupBiko
      I have been in 2 relationships, and both times, I was a side-chick without knowing it. Ahh nooo! Never again Insha Allah. Henceforth, I will also have side-guys. Until the day I get engaged, I can’t give any man 100. Only hubby deserves that.

  3. ChiomaJisos

    November 2, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    Backup for everything in life? hmm…. I hope #TeamBackupBiko will also have backup children. Lol

  4. moi

    November 2, 2014 at 5:45 pm

    I belong to #teamplanB o! I believe that as long as you are not yet married or he hasn’t yet put a ring on it, you are as free as a bird! Past experiences have shown that most times, it doesn’t pay when u put all ur hopes in one man….I was a sane person when i started dating n i always hoped i would date n marry just one person in this lifetime! Several years later, life handed me something entirely different from the original bargain! From dating a guy who cheated, lied about it and even married ‘her’ …..to the one who formed ‘born again’while acting like a selfish,gold-digging lunatic…..to the one who had another woman dat stalked me and went as far as raining insults on me through social media. How was i to know she was in the picture when the guy told me he was single before i agreed to date him?! Abeg, i have decided to put my eggs in several baskets cos i can’t shout! Then u wonder how people get married everyday, while u seem to meet jerks all d time! Circumstances could force you to change most times…

  5. priscy

    November 2, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    Plan B for everything including matters of d heart except for my Living God.
    My plan B may not necessarily be dating anoda man, but not giving ur ‘all’ in a relationship.
    Even d bible say trust no man…put all ur trust in God.

  6. Africhic

    November 2, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    Is it possible that we would have one day on BN that we won’t have an article that doesn’t revolve around the opposite sex (male gender).

    • Evie

      November 3, 2014 at 12:09 am

      Lol, we actually do. Look at other tabs (News, features, event, music, style, career, etc), This is all you get under the ‘relationship’ tab.

    • Tosin

      November 3, 2014 at 7:39 am

      Actually, when I read this article, I was thinking about how a few hours ago, a good friend was telling me how she broke up with another good friend of mine after a long-term (almost ten-year) relationship. And I’m all happy for her (and both of them actually) for the chance to do new great things down the line but I feel bad for how bad they must be feeling right now, especially the one that got the surprise. No men involved in this story at all. So this article may not be all opposite sex 🙂

  7. Africhic

    November 2, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    *we would have an article

  8. Just me

    November 2, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    Say no to plan B. If the current relationship is not working, evaluate it then make changes.
    I’m against plan B, isn’t that cheating? ??

    • Plan B

      November 3, 2014 at 2:14 am

      My thoughts excally. To me its cheating. Like @teekay said “If u r going to love someone pls do wiv ur whole heart nd leave the rest to God” Who wants to be a plan B anyways?

  9. Hadassah

    November 2, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    I like articles on matters of the heart… I found this article refreshing, the world is already too serious and yeah! BN has articles on many other stuffs

  10. spoonfullofsugar

    November 2, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    I think you should have as many quality options as you can until you’re engaged and an engagement should be because someone was the best out of all u were exposed to and the best of what you want THEN u give only him your best

  11. Dora the explorer

    November 2, 2014 at 11:48 pm

    But the plan B’s described in the above read seem like harmless parties that would spring up only after a break up? is that not different from the plan B that everybody is against? which is essentially double dating? its all so confusing.. So can we define a plan B?

  12. Tosin

    November 3, 2014 at 7:35 am

    🙂
    Heartbreak insurance. O necessary.

  13. Ogo

    November 3, 2014 at 11:35 am

    I blv in plan b and i practise without guilt because i don’t do sex with anyone. I blv in no sex b4 marriage. So i dont see it as cheating. Sex complicates issues, so i can date 10 men wt a gd consciense. Lol! Celibacy rocks!

    • MC

      November 3, 2014 at 2:04 pm

      But you can also cheat emotionally, which can be much worse than physically cheating.
      I cant begin to imagine my partner having pillow talk (late night bedroom calls) with another lady. And will definitely class it ad cheating

  14. Anonymous

    November 3, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    True loves is vulnerable.

  15. ty

    November 4, 2014 at 7:40 am

    I believe in and out of planB, if u ever expreience heartache u won’t be told to have plan B to Z…. Imagin! in the same car with a man u call ur boyfriend and still trying to exchange number wit a stranger we helped at the busstop and u caught him….. The next thing ur mind would tell u is oh! My God where is plan B to avoid heartach.

  16. Purpleicious Babe

    November 4, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    I just think two sane adults with priorities should learn to be real, transparent and honest.
    Is it so hard?nawhoo.
    I dont know about plan b, c, d, e for partners.
    I just think if you meet someone and you like the vibe/what you see kudos.
    If not read the signs off the wall.

  17. always happy

    November 7, 2014 at 2:30 am

    Only 1 phrase comes to mind ” the heart of man is inherently wicked” so my advise is whether its plan a, b, c, or d, be sure you shine your eye and select a man who fears God! as in not the wishy washy, I was raised in a Christian home forming angel, or the apathetic ones. Because the love, courage, conviction, wisdom and confidence your man will need to treat you right, lead you , adore you , to deal with life, to make good choices can only come from a heart obedient to your father (God).

  18. Elsie

    November 11, 2014 at 8:13 am

    I don’t know how to go about / have plan B despite have been cheated, deceived if there z any oda words but is not my way be bcos am Church girl I believe, my lifestyle is a Faith life, in faith no plan B but I didnt c anytin wrong wit it, wen I c ppl doing it they have been taught. ( Experience).

  19. joan

    November 13, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    When you have been shamefully heartbroken, put on a pedestal for everyone to experience your humiliation, you will definitely know that Plan B works. Even with a ring on my finger (engagement), until i say i do, I will still have Plan B,C,D,E. I am not saying I will be sexually intimate with them, just make myself available to them when I need to. I do not consider this cheating, as I do believe that everyone does this in one way or another in different context.

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