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Aunty Bella: Miss. Mum’s Pressure

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

This comment was posted underneath an article today, and has only been amended to correct grammar, whilst trying to keep the text as original as possible. 

***

Please I will appreciate someone’s advice

Where do I start from? I’m a 22 year old girl. I turned 22 this year. I’m not in a relationship. Now this doesn’t bother me because I am more concerned about meeting a man who understands me, and who I understand and who gives me peace and this man later becoming my husband. If I can’t have that, I don’t see why I should get married. I haven’t been in a relationship in about 3 years. My 2nd and best/happiest relationship ended because of this temptation issue, and well I wasn’t sure if I should have gone back begging him. We had other issues and I wasn’t even supposed to date in Uni. It also added to the problems we had so I walked away. Now homeboy is married. I’m happy for him. I have moved on.

My problem is my parents. Everyday is a reason to talk about marriage. You wake up in the morning, marriage. Lunch, marriage. Dinner, marriage. Everything, marriage. To make matters worse a family friend has liked me for about 3 years now and my parents know about it. They won’t let me rest.

I decided to be friendly with him late 2013 when my mother succeeded in persuading me just to go out with him and see how things go. Now, I know we have nothing in common, but because homeboy is smart and has said he wants to marry me, my mother won’t let me be. She comes one day to say God revealed to her that homeboy is my husband. The next day she’ll tell me horrid stories of people who are 40 not married and unhappy. The next minute it’s about how people don’t marry for love – you grow to love someone, a woman doesn’t love a man a man loves a woman and a woman accepts his love, because an unmarried woman is an unfulfilled woman in the eyes of man and God, all men are useless just pick one bla boa… All sorts of horrid stories, I have cried myself to sleep, cried into prayers, begged God to let me love homeboy but nothing has changed. He just doesn’t understand me. He says the most awkward things at the wrong time. It’s not like he’s a bad person but we don’t connect in any way. He makes efforts, yes; but those efforts don’t go anywhere.

I often wonder what my parents see in him. I guess my dad supports whatever my mum does. so that explains his side. but, I don’t know what my mum sees in homeboy. He’s not rich. His family isn’t rich either. He’s just a normal comfortable guy. What he does have going for him is that he is smart. My family isn’t poor or rich. We live a very comfortable life. I think my mum’s fear is that I will end up alone so she feels the first person who shows interest in me… I must end up with. What baffles me is how she insists that he is GOD’s plan for me – that he is my God ordained husband and if I leave him I will regret it all my life. Her words really scare me.

I don’t know what step to take. I have stopped talking to homeboy for a while now. He’s still sending texts and stuff. I have told him we can only be friends. My mother comes to my room everynight to ask about him and encourage me to date him.

I need help from u aunty bella/BN readers, is it true one does not marry for love? Why does one choose to marry a man? Should I continue to date homeboy or should I walk away? How can I walk away? How do I explain to my mum how I feel? I have tried explaining to her several times but she begins to shout that when they speak to a child and she doesn’t listen it is what she sees she sees. She claims it’s not because she knows the family that she’s encouraging me to date him. She also claims she’s not forcing me to date him, but if I have a date with another boy and I tell her about it, she starts to discourage my date with the other guy or looks for a way to make sure I don’t make it.

Come to think of it… she was the one who disouraged me from trying to get back with my university boyfriend (the one I spoke about earlier) when I finished from university, because by that time she had noticed that homeboy had started putting moves on me.

This whole situation made me depressed over the past month. I am currently unemployed as I am about to end my youth service and my mum has her own business so she’s in control of her time. So I am stuck at home with her all day talking about marriage. At this point I’m not interested in dating anymore. I’m actually tired of life. I have come to realize that life itself has no meaning at all. I look forward to only one thing… having kids. But, at this point I begin to wonder if it is worth it, since I am most likely going to end up with a man I don’t love –  in a life I hate. Please I need advice and reassurance. THANK YOU.

P.S I am attractive. Slim, normal height, moderate to large hips and a C cup.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Scott Griessel

76 Comments

  1. ATL's finest

    January 13, 2015 at 7:37 am

    Chaiii!,Sori o but which kind mama U get sef?,He must be rich or on cloud 9 or something. How old are U again??? 22 Hmmm it’s sad to say the least that it’s your mother that’s putting you through all these. I will never say anything about nobody’s parents so my dear, good luck in it all but I guarantee U smartness, $$$$, car etc don’t buy love. If U rush in at this age, U will be rushing out too soon and your mom’s shoulders will be there for you to cry after all, sharing the burden which she started wouldn’t be inevitable.

  2. L

    January 13, 2015 at 7:50 am

    Lol, your mum should let you be. Marraige is serious and you should let her know you want to go into one for love and tell the boy you are not interested. when you think you are ready for marriage pray to God to give you a man you will need and not what you want. This marraige pressure can be annoying!

  3. thatafricanchic

    January 13, 2015 at 7:55 am

    Lol at ”I am attractive. Slim, normal height, moderate to large hips and a C cup.”
    Well to be honest I don’t think you have given this guy any chance at all. The mere fact that your Mum is giving you pressure about this ‘homeboy’ doesn’t even make you consider him.
    My advice is take time out to really get to know this guy without any prejudice. Marriage should not be your focus but just getting to know him. If after that you still think the way you do about him then that’s fine.
    You are still very young and I wouldn’t even advice you to start focusing on marriage now. You have a lotof self discovery to do. Also this is a good time to date, and that is why I advice that you should at least give this guy a chance in your heart

    • thatikwerrebabe

      January 13, 2015 at 8:48 am

      I support you on this. she should take her time and study the guy, you might end up seeing him in a different light.

    • Easy n Gentle

      January 13, 2015 at 10:42 am

      I don’t know these ladies, half of the single ones whose comments I read I weekly would give an arm to get a chance with the homeboy. Now I’m not saying cheapen yourself because of the pressure, far from it. However you’d be surprised at what mental attitude can do when you want to achieve things, your body language says a lot and I should know, I’ve been there.

      I recall a girl I was wooing one time, and I felt she had hostile body language even though she tried to be friendly with her words, I always said the most awkward things around her unintentionally. Years later, we met again, and this time we found out we had so much in common. I recall the first time she said we had nothing in common. So what had gone wrong? She had a crush on someone else and her mind was not into being friends with me. The best beaus are not necessarily the best toasters and you’d agree most of wooing is mental seduction, a game of perception which he might not be adept at.

      Finish NYSC, get a job, earn some space by going in the morning and coming at night. That helps. You still have time, ask God for clarity, never stop praying.

  4. Eve82

    January 13, 2015 at 7:55 am

    I couldn’t read past the first paragraph. You are only 22, and you worry about stuff like this? Please come back when you are 32. No offense, but this should really be the least of your problems.

    • ATL's finest

      January 13, 2015 at 9:22 am

      Lmao!!! Not 32 hahaha chaii

    • mimi

      January 13, 2015 at 12:02 pm

      She is worrying because her mother is driving her nuts! I dont think you should blame her, her mother is the issue.

    • Yes i'm 21!

      January 13, 2015 at 2:03 pm

      Can all you people saying come back when your’e so and so age please just chill….. I mean i’d love to go about my business having fun, dating different guys, going clubbing and just live a carfree life, but please lets not pretend that Nigerians don’t start putting pressure on girls at a young age. These same people saying that “your’e only 21/22” will be the same people that will start asking “so when are we meeting your husband” when your’e 25/26. So please at what age should I start worrying? 23? 24 1/2? 25.7? kmt

      To the writer, I understand your stress!!! I’m 21 and everyone in my family keeps reminding me that now is the time for me to get a boyfriend. They’ve even calculated it for me. Get a bf now, date for 3/4 years then get engaged. And according to them, if that one doesnt work out, there might still be time to try with another guy, but apparently thats only if I find a guy now now!! Me that i’ve never been in a serious relationship in my life. Lol i’m like, so where do I start looking!? The pressure is REAL!!!!

    • Ex blogger

      January 13, 2015 at 6:01 pm

      10 gbosas for you jare, ori e pe!!!!! lol @ i’m 22…as in…….

      Babes you are young, when i was your age i had just graduated from college, had a banging job making more than all my friends were at the time and traveling around the wold. My twenties were AMAZING!!!! From Miami, to LA to NY to DC to London to Greece to NOLA to Ibiza to freaking LAGOS we did it all!!! Those were the BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE and i will not take it back!

      I loved, i partied, i cried, i laughed, i saw the world, i had mind blowing sex…lol, and my greatest achievement….i built a successful career i look back at with pride today. Now at 31, yes at 31 i found love with an amazing extremely successful surgeon who shares the same passion as me.

      My point is, i could have been married at 23-26, i had boyfriends then who were ready to settle down, but i just could not picture my life with them. Looking back now, i have no regrets…well ok maybe one of them…..yeah, that was a mistake letting him go…Lol. The others i look back and shake my head…as in…wtf was i even doing with him? I have definitely outgrown them……

      Life is short, enjoy yourself. The traditional getting married at 25 ain’t for everyone. If your heart isn’t into this guy your parents like, don’t do it!!!! You will end up resenting him and yourself even more.

      And your mama needs a chill pill, didn’t know they put that much pressure on girls that early. Thank God for my liberal parents!!! We don’t have rubbish convos like this…..they know they raised a responsible adult and at the right time i will make the appropriate decision with who i feel most comfortable with.

      Next time your mom starts….tell her if she likes the guy she wants your to date so much, perhaps she should consider marrying him.

    • Idomagirl

      January 14, 2015 at 2:12 am

      If you read properly, she wouldn’t be worrying if her mother wasn’t putting so much pressure on her…parental pressure can kill!

    • Mama

      February 5, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      Eve82 very daft comment……you only read the first paragraph so u shldnt have commented…..

  5. masked

    January 13, 2015 at 7:56 am

    Welcome to my world! (although my mum’s pressure isn’t that bad) I have resorted to telling her that there is a guy but i dont want to bring him home yet…yada yada…while i’m still single nd praying to meet “my man” soon. I shall not let someone make a decision that i will be the one to live in it for the rest of my life…if i screw up, let it be all on me not cos i want to evade pressure from someone.

  6. hn

    January 13, 2015 at 8:01 am

    Marriage, relationships, sex, children and religion are all overrated. Am 21, never had a relationship, no sex, godless, and am not interested in having children or being married and guess what ? I am actually HAPPY! Please live your life, you only get pressured if u want to, get a job.

    • LOL

      January 13, 2015 at 11:01 am

      LOL? 21? come back when you’re 31 please. 21, not had sex and you’re sounding like we should give you a medal. smh.
      these little children of nowadays.

    • Yes i'm 21!

      January 13, 2015 at 2:16 pm

      Lol your comment is so condescending I cant even deal….

      I suggest you read this article http://www.bellanaija.com/2015/01/05/atokes-monday-morning-banter-be-seen-but-not-heard/

    • hn

      January 13, 2015 at 6:27 pm

      I Am not asking u for a medal,your opinions are irrelevant to me, I mentioned that I was godless, y dint u pick that one up, its no sex u saw. i’m just pointing out to her that u don’t live your life according to the opinion/dictates of people, their mouth changes like the british weather, in the morning the say A, at noon B, You have a boyfriend as a teenager – u want to be rotten and spoilt? Your not dating in your 20’s- who will marry u? , Your dating- when will u get married ? You get married – when will u have children? – , You have a child – have more? It never ends, You can never please people. That’s what am pointing out, to her, choose your life and live it.

    • Mama

      February 5, 2015 at 3:57 pm

      Lol am 43 and don’t see how what she said has anything to do with age……her opinion might change later but that does not mean she should lie about how she feels now about being happy….yes virgins should be proud to say so when they are cos it’s not their fault others lost theirs…….u just have the typical naija or will I say African mentality where people are so myopic to think everybody has to feel the same way…..at 21 I was almost the same thing tho I wanted kids…..wasn’t even bothered with marriage till I was about 34….. I married at 35 and I now have two kids.”…

    • Hugo

      January 13, 2015 at 11:17 am

      Clap for yourself. SMH

    • Idomagirl

      January 14, 2015 at 2:13 am

      You’re just 21, don’t worry honey at that age we all thought we had life figured out like you do now…relax, you never see life.

  7. gia

    January 13, 2015 at 8:02 am

    Nigerians and their obsession with god…

  8. me

    January 13, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Many times parents do not realize how selfish they are being. I know many will find fault in this statement. Sounds more like the mum wants to have a married daughter for talk sake or probably grand kids. . Marriage isn’t for everyone, like really and if your daughter chooses to marry let it be her choice, stop the pressure. It’s not like you’ll be the one living with the dude at the end of the day. And even if she ends up marrying ‘late’, isn’t more about how well than how long?

    P.s Seriously who says an unmarried 40 year old woman is unhappy? (1 Corinthians 7:38)

  9. Eny

    January 13, 2015 at 8:11 am

    My dear, don’t let the pressure get to you and you don’t need to dish out your statistics on Bella. I’m 28, so im light years ahead of you. Focus on getting a job. You’ll be glad you did. Firstly, you’ll take the burden of your expenses off your parents and be able to cater for yourself and you’ll see your happiness is not tied to any man. Secondly, a good man is glad to find a woman who is busy doing something with herself not cross-legged waiting for him to appear and magically solve her every problem. Occupy till i come!

  10. bruno

    January 13, 2015 at 8:13 am

    P.S I am attractive. Slim, normal height,
    moderate to large hips and a C cup.

    WHAT!!! LOOOOOOOOOL. u are the girl of my dreams. lol

    it’s always about marriage or pregnancy wahala or husband hunting. these are the only things nigerian women ever talk about. smh

  11. Ditebogo

    January 13, 2015 at 8:19 am

    there is more to life than dating or marriage. marriage is not the goal. you need to be happy on your own before you can find happiness in a relationship. i used to tell my friends that if i ever found myself in a relationship that does not add value to my life (emotionally, financially or spiritually) then i will walk away and never look back.
    My dear, Focus on finding happiness within you and ignore the pressure from your mother… then you might find someone.
    A friend of mine who is 25 met her husband in March 2014, he paid lobola in June 2014 and they got married in Dec 2014.
    you are 22, you are too young to worry about marriage and it’s never too late for marriage.

    P.S if you were in South Africa i would hook you up with a few dates. ( my bachelor varsity friends )

    • Ivy

      January 13, 2015 at 5:47 pm

      Can’t she do long distance relationship?

  12. moi

    January 13, 2015 at 8:32 am

    You read too much romance novels.. Go and get married to the one that is asking you now so you won’t find yourself in Shiloh marriage class praying for husband.. Don’t mind all these people that say marriage is not for them.. Have u read about Cameroun Diaz.. Any one with any yeye feminist reply to my comment will catch Ebola..

    • Eve82

      January 13, 2015 at 8:37 am

      No, I have not heard of ‘Cameroun Diaz’, but I have heard of ‘ Cameron Diaz’…Isi aki like you!!!

    • Ada Nnewi

      January 13, 2015 at 8:52 am

      you’re an idiot!!!

    • halyma

      January 13, 2015 at 9:02 am

      So in 2015 u still threaten people with opinons different from urs with courses?
      So she should just go get married simply to avoid ‘shiloh marriage prayer classes’
      Hmmmm…I’m sure those dead victims of marriage would want to switch places with d living in that shiloh prayer classes.
      I fear for ur sisters and daughters!

    • Jo!

      January 13, 2015 at 9:04 am

      Afi cameroun. STop giving stupid advice
      Please take your time and marry someone you will truly be happy with, sit your mother down and ask her which she would prefer, having a broken home (which is a possibility if yoyu marry someone you don’t like) after getting married at 22 or staying married having married a couple years later, then ask her to leave you and your God alone.

    • Jo!

      January 13, 2015 at 9:04 am

      And seriously??? “Catch EBola”??? mwschewwwww

    • Reverse

      January 13, 2015 at 9:13 am

      Ignoramus…

  13. adaora

    January 13, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Marriage is so overrated these days……………….for Christ sake u r only 22 n not 44 …………u have lotta time ahead of u…..da problem is not getting married but staying in marriage……..concentrate on finding a job n living ur life………a man will come at the right time……………………..no need to rush just becuz ya mom is pressuring u …..cuz wen yawa don gas n all goes wrong…….ur mom will only console u but u r da one who will feel da pain da most……………………

  14. Que

    January 13, 2015 at 8:32 am

    I was too distracted by all d ‘homeboy’ references, plus what has the P.S. got to do with it….I’m probably just unfocused but…Next!

  15. Zee

    January 13, 2015 at 8:54 am

    My dear trust me you are not alone. Just keep praying am sure God will bring the right guy. I understand how you feel cose my mother and sister are also trying to force me to date or marry a family friend.

  16. Dr. N

    January 13, 2015 at 9:07 am

    I have 3 sisters. We all grew up with this pressure. Lectures, hints, nudges, etc. My mum is not as extreme but I get it. Eventually, I convinced her that
    1. I have a plan for my life. Get a degree, job, etc b4 marriage
    2. I am worth waiting for
    3. Traders don’t panic over a good product as it must sell
    4. She did her job raising us. Let d men come to us.
    Now, 3 of us r married. None b4 d age of 28. I think she’s happy.
    So, stop letting her get to u. Switch off mentally when she’s talking and pray for her that God will give her inner peace. Spend less time at home. Learn a skill, visit friends or volunteer somewhere.
    E.g. “Have u called Homebody today? Call him O! The time of women passes quickly”, says mom.
    You smile, rub her shoulder n say “Not to worry mom. It will work out well. Let me chop d ugu for u”
    Change d topic n leave d room.
    Hope this helps. E hugs.

    • ATL's finest

      January 13, 2015 at 9:24 am

      Awwwww great job Dr. N 😉

    • Dr. N

      January 13, 2015 at 6:33 pm

      *blushes* Thanks

  17. billionaire in grace

    January 13, 2015 at 9:20 am

    My dear, dont put yourself in a situation where you will not be able to come out.cos once you get married there is no more turning back.if it is with the wrong guy you might be even cheating on your husband. I am saying by experience, one of my friend married her husband bcos of society pressure. Now she is unhappy.
    Take your time to know the guy and bond with him.dont just walk away from the relationship.
    And pray God to guide in his perfect will.

  18. JULIE

    January 13, 2015 at 9:46 am

    Babe marriage is nt something u jump into, u kn homeboy more than us date him bt keep sex out of it and if he s nt ur type pls dnt border. Always pray babe, good lucky

  19. keziah

    January 13, 2015 at 9:47 am

    Firstly, God is a loving father and he wants d best, only the best for u. Hez nt forceful, he wnt make u do smtyn u dnt want. 2ndly, u deserve to be in love. God forbid u marry sm1 u dnt love, u’ll end up divorcing. Don’t let anybody tell u only men deserve love and u have to choose frm a bunch of idiots. Thr r amazing, men out thr, and mre dan dat, thr is YOUR man out thr. He’ll come to u nd u won’t hav to cry and beg to love him, u’ll b helplessly crazy abt him. Stp crying, God is nt a hard God, he’ll brng d ryt person ur way. Next tym ur mum pressures u abt marriage, smile and thank ha. Tell ha u r prayin abt it and indulge her a little. Shez jst being a mother; its their job to worry. Wait for your man, he’ll come ur way someday, I promise. And life is not so bad, life is just wat YOU make of it

  20. JULIE

    January 13, 2015 at 9:51 am

    (Wink) Good luck

  21. Jay

    January 13, 2015 at 9:55 am

    Marriage wahala. Your focus should be a job if you ask me. Well, I got married at 27 but I had two degrees and had worked for a period of three years. I refused to settle for some relationships I didn’t understand, infact I was single for two or three years, my mom brought up the marriage talk too for me but I always changed topic to career and plenty certification talk.lol. When I met my husband, for a few seconds my heart stopped beating and I said to myself, this must be him becos we connected immediately and in less than a year we were married. My advice to you is tell your mom calmly that you wish to get a job or do some training first before marriage if she is still on your case, this is where your dad comes in. I believe he can tell your mom to let you be and she would listen. Meanwhile, try to be friends with that guy, just innocent dates as he may not be a totally bad person and for peace to reign between you and mom.

  22. raphael

    January 13, 2015 at 9:56 am

    I really feel you have to try and take charge of your life. Don’t blame your mum for her actions though, i guess that was the way things were in her own time, so that is the way she knows how to handle this situation. In her mind she is doing the best thing for you. But at least you know what’s best for you

    My advice, concentrate more on developing yourself as a person. When you see someone you want to date then fine. If you feel like giving this “homeboy” a chance then do so. It is possible that you would later develop feelings for him, just don’t block your mind and block him away because of the pressure your mum is putting on you. Take your time to be by yourself and ask yourself if you really have nothing in common with him and if you really don’t want to give him any chance. Or if all your feelings towards him are consequences of the pressure your family has put on you.

    Make your decision yourself. Make sure it’s what you are comfortable with. It’s your life, only you gets to live with the decisions you make. Take your time, it’s no use rushing at this point.

  23. RIFF RAFF

    January 13, 2015 at 10:19 am

    All this pressure at 22 only? This marriage thing is borderline ridiculous!
    My dear, go to school, get your degrees and then look for something to do. And by the way, God is your father and WORK is your first husband. Yes, dear, get a job . Entering a man’s house like that without bringing anything to the table can be very dangerous these days, . Whether the guy has money or not , have your own, no matter how small.
    Marriage should be the least of your problems ! Don’t get carried by the “Mrs at any cost” trend. Impose it whether mama likes it or not. Kai, at 22? HABA!

  24. Chinco Bee

    January 13, 2015 at 10:37 am

    I wonder why parents keep taking this marriage issue too serious than us. What they don’t know is that it bothers us as well or who doesn’t wanna settle down and have kids?but at times,its hard for you to bring yourself to love someone you don’t even connect with cos at the end of the day,you will be the one to endure the person all thru your lives together!!!If you are lucky,you might find the connection vice versa.

    @Poster, the use of this your homeboy cracks me up lol…..Its either you love homeboy or leave the house for your parents, get them to understand your plight and feelings or better still,get a job and get busy……you can’t marry out of pity or just to satisfy your parents wish. A Lot of people out there have take that step which they regret,dont be a victim!!!!!all the best

  25. CrystalWhite

    January 13, 2015 at 10:50 am

    Hmmm 22 your complaining,how about me that is 34, with a job and doing my masters degree…..since the beginning of this year, my mum has not called me,finally a friend pops out from no where with a perfect match and suddenly she remembers me and calls has your friend called ? I get to talk to the guy that one is story for another day.
    Am still watching and waiting and believing on God,even though there are days that i feel God has given up on me….Please add value to your life..and learn to put your mum in her place else you will make a lifelong mistake.
    When my mum brings up the marriage talk,i simply tell her when a man comes she will hear and she will see him.

    • Hugo

      January 13, 2015 at 11:23 am

      Reading your comment was a chore indeed. your punctuation is in the pits. kai!!!!!!!!

    • chu

      January 13, 2015 at 12:12 pm

      That was insensitive.

  26. mrs chidukane

    January 13, 2015 at 10:52 am

    I’m not even looking at this from a marriage perspective but from the ‘why do parents pressure their kids so much ‘ perspective. My mom is a good woman but once she starts with the pressure, only God can save you. The funny thing is if what she’s pressuring you about goes awry,babe you’re so on your own. For this reason we’ve learned how to ignore her and do what we want. Just ignore her or build up castles for her aka feeding her with fake gist and she’ll be happy and leave you alone.

    • Mz SociallyAwkward...

      January 13, 2015 at 6:00 pm

      Nwa nne m, may God bless you and the handful of people who understood the real cry for help here. I’ve seen comments berating the writer about being just 22 and focusing on the inconsequential things in life, which comments started causing me to wonder if I misread the post.

      The girl isn’t here because she’s despairing about her marriage prospects at “just 22” – she’s here because she’s losing the will to continue battling with parents who are putting her under immense pressure to get married.

      What has happened to put society that’s turning family members into emotional terrorists concerning this one subject? And even though they can see countless examples around them of marriages that failed because of both parties jumped the broom for the wrongest reasons, they STILL continue to urge young unmarried girls to go ahead and make the very same mistake. Is that not a unique kind of selfishness? You want to stand in the limelight and enjoy the societal “respect” of having married off your daughter so that she doesn’t bring “shame” to you by remaining single when her “mates” are getting married. And yet, if the daughter ends up in a bad union where she’s being physically or emotionally abused, you quickly caution her to remain in the marriage because she cannot bring “shame” her family by leaving.

      A terrible form of selfishness and I really, truly pray that my generation grows up to teach our daughters about the many other things that their beautifully unique and special lives are about.

      Dear poster, your parents are being selfish and like many selfish people, they’ll never see your point of view if you keep letting them dictate your life for you. Become a bit more self-serving yourself and stop crying, it won’t solve your problems. I feel bad for the situation you’ve been forced into but your years won’t change anything. Start making your own life plan so that you can use it to counter the one being created by your mother. Be SPECIFIC about your goals because there are certain childish attributes that Nigerian parents ascribe to 22yr olds. So if you want to be taken seriously, be serious about what ambitions you have for your life.

      Love makes us selfish and maybe your parents’ love for you explains their behavior. Show them love and respect in all your discussions/arguments with them on this subject but always remember your number 1 obligation of happiness is owed to your own self. Now stop crying and getting tired of life, there’s a lot more to your future than this one thing. xx

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      January 13, 2015 at 8:59 pm

      Oh dear. All typos due to autocorrect & peering into a very small screen (BN, your headers and menu bars still dey pursue person if dem dey comment with phone, oh…)

  27. Liflblog.wordpress.com

    January 13, 2015 at 11:17 am

    Have a conversation with her that’ll leave her in no doubt that you will not be bullied into lifelong unhappiness.be firm. We’ve only one life to live so we owe it to ourselves to live it well & be happy.

    Liflblog.WordPress.com

    LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE EVERY DAY!

    • bee

      January 14, 2015 at 11:54 pm

      I just stole your quote! very apt!,live your best everyday, thank you for those words

    • Tosin

      January 15, 2015 at 8:44 pm

      Good idea, until mum has a conversation in church or at a wedding that leaves her in no doubt that this year this year, her daughter must-o tie the knot and take away her shame…
      We really need change.

  28. RollingMyEyes

    January 13, 2015 at 11:47 am

    I am 22yrs as well and I just shook my head reading this article. I couldn’t even get passed a few sentences. There is so much more worth worrying about at this stage in life…. NEXT pls!

    Men, marriage, relationships are overrated by Nigerians! Yes, we all want these things eventually but some women make it seem like without these someone will die. Please!

  29. ibochic

    January 13, 2015 at 11:57 am

    Sometimes parents don’t get it! My parents tell me that I have to marry a guy from my town if not the marriage is a no no. Like seriously? They tell me if I don’t marry someone from my place nobody will be there for me in the future if I have issues with him, that what an elder sees sitting down and blablabla! For me, marriage is a lifelong commitment that no one should be pressured into. When God is ready for me,i will get married to the husband he made just for me.

  30. cocozee(bellassimo)

    January 13, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    dont be upset with your mum dear,she wants the best for her daughter.sit her down and let her know how you really feel……..lol at the last line…is that an advert?

  31. On the Homeboy's side

    January 13, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    Before i read the comments, please i am on the Homeboy’s side.

    Kindly tell him you don’t love him and let him go. Dont hook up with him cos of what your mum has said.

    Dont make his life miserable.

    You dont have any feeling for him, please allow him.

    How would you feel getting to know that the man you married never loved you?

    Dont cause him pain please, just continue moving till you find the guy you love abeg.

    The result is that,
    1. If you marry him now and later find love, you will cheat on him
    2. You will be very mean to him and when you continue pushing sum1 to the wall, the person gets to the end and will revolt one day. When he is fed up with your meanness (bcos you dont love him), he will start going out too.

    Please please and please free the guy!

  32. ada

    January 13, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    @ibochic I’m currently in the same situation and trusting God to take care of it cos me I don’t know what to do.

  33. Q

    January 13, 2015 at 4:22 pm

    Sigh!!!! same situation, i just pray i dont settle..no love for ‘homeboy”

  34. Tunmi

    January 13, 2015 at 5:39 pm

    Get out of that house. Go out, walk around the town or city, go volunteer at some school or at a small business far from your mum. Granted you don’t have any money, so find places close by.

    As per homeboy…I’m sure you’ve told him you’re not interested. I really detest that wearing someone down nonsense, it’s akin to forcing yourself on someone. Give yourself breathing room. And the rest of you comparing ages, that does not help this person.

  35. MumsPressureGirl

    January 13, 2015 at 10:38 pm

    hi everyone, thanks for the comments/advice. i am currently trying to get a job. told homeboy i am not interested, hes still hanging around trying to see if i will change my mind. honestly speaking i dont mind his company half the time but i just dont feel anything for him emotionally and im not sure it will change. i have explained this to him but im not sure he understands. wish he would just be content with us being friends if not forever then for now and stop trying to take it further (N.B. i realize me not having feeling for him might be as a result of the pressure or whatever thats why i have said if not forever. i believe when im in a better place emotionally i will be able to make a good decision).
    As for my mum i have decided i wouldnt try to explain myself to her anymore cause that alone is quite draining. u need to hear the way the conversations go. what i have done these past few days is smile. tell her things are going well and smile some more. I hope i will be able to pull this off for some months or until i am no longer stuck here with her. im trying to get a job which will take me out of the country. so i’ll be out of this house. i know God will bring me my man. i am not in a hurry.

    • Idomagirl

      January 14, 2015 at 2:21 am

      Good to hear, concentrate your efforts and prayers on getting a job and developing yourself, that’s what’s important at this age. Don’t let anyone pressure you into marriage regardless of their relationship to you, because if you’re in a bad marriage none of these people will bear it with you, highest you’ll hear is, ‘just endure, keep praying, God will see you through’.

  36. Larz

    January 14, 2015 at 12:00 am

    Hi dear
    I have been in your shoes. Trust me, my parents make yours seem like amateurs. 7 years of being made to feel like s loser for being compared to high school knocked up teenage drop out who according to my mum, she is better off cause at least she is a girl. 7 years of being asked if I was a lesbian, of being told that my career was making me unmarriable, of turning down arrange marriage from naija becuz London boys weren’t doing it, of listening to prayers that made it seem I was cursed (after a while you start to feel you are). After a while, you start to dread telling your parents good news about your friends because they turn joyous occasions (friends wedding and having kids) into depression, making you almost resentful. How old am I you wonder? I turned 27 (they started their drama when I was 19, turned it up before I hit 21) last month and thanks to God, I am marrying my friend in 2 months. There were no extras. I didn’t have to compromise who I am or what I believe in. I am not going to lie, I had to make adjustments, I did it willingly because he is my friend and it was the most natural thing in the world and not of fear of being alone. When we get married, I know things might be difficult along the way but we will work at it because we chose each other and we weren’t forced together, I will anyways. Had I married one the men shoved down my throat, I will wonder if the bad times were the results of our incompatibility. I won’t make as much effort to fix any issue as I have a ready made excuse for what I may see as a reason for my failure.

    Your parents are worried and fearful. They have heard horror stories. Understand where they r coming but pls do not succumb to their pressure. Unfortunately, they can only articulate it that way because that’s how they are/ were brought up not because they wanna hurt you. If God has really joined you guys together, he will bring u two together. He will at least get you to be friends with each other n respect one another. He is not a wicked God. It is possible for two good ppl to make bad companions, pls don’t fall for “he is nice so you all can get married. If all nice people made great couples, they will be not divorce or heartbroken nice people

  37. Idomagirl

    January 14, 2015 at 2:11 am

    At 22????? Haba….your mumsy should free you na… 🙁

  38. Jamce

    January 14, 2015 at 3:25 am

    Please send me the phone number of your mum, her e-mail address, her BB PIN, lets also teach her some of life’s lessons of how not to bully a child into marriage. We will give her e-slaps, e-koboko from different sides, she will be too busy to bother with you.

    STAND YOUR GROUND with HUMILITY

  39. Lola Carey

    January 14, 2015 at 4:31 am

    poster..first why did’nt u allow urself to be posted out of ur state?u worked it to ur state and ur infact serving and living at home. secondly.why do i have a feeling u also did ur university in one of these private ones dat is not different from boarding secondary schools.i know i seem harsh and its because i cant seem to get why u sound very naive at this point in ur life.

  40. Ayaayo

    January 14, 2015 at 9:10 am

    sweetheart, u need to stand your ground being dependent on your parents or not, and it could get worse even being independent of them. Trust me you don’t need your mother to dream dreams and see visions if he is truly ordained of God, we are all God’s children and can hear from him so no need to fret, if you don’t like him there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, or with him, it is simply no chemistry shikena!!!, don’t sell yourself short by settling for him based on fears. plenty men still dey and plenty years still dey for you to live life, I mean I noticed 27-32 is the new marriage-age bracket sef, so no need to worry.

  41. tonia

    January 14, 2015 at 11:38 am

    BN I have never posted here, I hope I get to see my post. I am in a similar situation. I will be 23 by February and I av served(2013) my problem is that I am not attracted to the man that wants marriage(he is 13yrs older than me). The guy I love is currently jobless, so am I bcs I left my former job. Now am confused,hard conditions are making me consider marrying this guy I dislike. Poster let’s hope on God to make the right choices, ‘He has made everything beautiful in His time’ ecc 3:11. BN please publish my comment.

  42. MumsPressureGirl

    January 14, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    @Larz sending u Ehugs… u went through alot. i hope mine doesnt get that bad cause this is still the early stage. all this actually started late 2013 well some few months before my 21st birthday. before it was just little comments here and there. now its quite aggressive. @mzsociallyawkward thanks for your comment. seems you are the only one who really understood my post. i appreciate your comment alot. and to Dr.N and Idomagirl thank u too.

  43. Tosin

    January 15, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    They won’t stop bugging you, don’t worry 🙂 It’s in the DNA. Some people even marry just because the nagging pushes them there…it could be disastrous but hey, that’s Naija in 2015

  44. fiona

    January 16, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    Hmmm, aburo, let me just tell you, your mama has started announcing your wedding o….I heard her last week telling her friend … I know you(wink) . Just don’t make the mistake of marrying someone you do not love, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Marriage is not an achievement , this naija mothers sha…

  45. trish

    January 19, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    Oh my dear, i can relate well! I’ll be 24 in June. I’m currently pursuing my masters degree and i’m dreading going home in September. I miss home badly but i know ‘when is he coming to see us’ must be amongst the first 100 words every member of the family will say to me once i return. You see my siblings got married early (Female siblings and sister-in-laws @ 22-23) and they were mostly university students then. I have decided to do one of these things:
    1. Rent a figure head husband, like they do in movies and divorce a year later and blame it on every member of my family that ever asked about le boo.
    2. Keep telling them he his out of the country and he will come and see them as soon as he gets back.
    3. Pursue my PhD

  46. Ibukun

    January 19, 2015 at 7:11 pm

    My dear I clearly understand your pain. I was in your shoes until recently. I beg you by the mercies of God pls do not give in to their pressure. Making an important decision such as who to marry under pressure, is one of the biggest disservice you will do to yourself. Marry who you want or you will cheat on your spouse with who you want.
    Secondly, you have to be very resolute in your decision, stand on your ground. Marriage is not an institution, you enter by complusion.
    Thirdly, pls pray, pray, pray. My mother stopped pressuring me about Marriage, when I turned to God to deliver me from her pressures. What I did was I cut off all communication with her, despite the fact that I still live in her house. One day she comes to my room begging me to forgive her for all her pressures.
    Finally, don’t think you’re causing her unhappiness by not marrying homeboy, by the time you’re happily married with a man of your choice, she’ll be the one that’ll be more happy.

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