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Kambili Chimalu: Ten Relationship Guidelines For Men

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There have been a lot of pseudo intellectuals and experts who have come out to tell women how to treat their husbands/boyfriends/partners. Every time one turns around, there is a new voice telling women what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. In all these cases, nobody has stopped to think how this constant attention that is being given to women will make men feel neglected and abandoned, so I have come to even the scales.

I cannot be so presumptuous as to assume that I have all the answers, but this is my contribution in the continuing conversation on how men are to be better partners in relationships:

Compliment Her
You need to start the day with throwing her a compliment. This is no ordinary compliment because you are required to write her a ten page essay of compliments first thing in the morning, a fifty page thesis on how perfect she is in the afternoon, and a hundred page dissertation on how gracious she is for agreeing to be your partner. This may sound difficult at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will become for you. Every word that comes out of your mouth should be a compliment.

Massage Her Ego
Remember that there is nothing like a woman’s ego, so it is your duty to feed it every day for the rest of your life. Boost her self-esteem by telling her how she is the most magnificent being to ever walk the Earth. If she complains about work, remind her how she is the smartest person there and how her coworkers are just jealous of her brilliance. The woman’s ego is fragile, so ensure that you feed it day in and day out.

Do Not Question Her Movements
When your wife goes out and comes back at 2:00am, do not question where she has been. Even if she stays out all night, don’t antagonize her by brazenly demanding where she had been all night. If you see yourself getting tempted to raise your voice, just take a mouthful of water and swirl it around in your mouth. This will give you the time and opportunity to rethink any rash statement you would’ve made.

Do Not Leave the House Without Her Permission
Just like you cannot question her whereabouts, you cannot leave the house without her express permission. You need to tell her where you are going, who you will be going with, what you will be doing there, and when you will be back. You do not need an oracle to tell you that you should make your plans to ensure you are always home by at least 6:00pm, so you are at home whenever she comes home. If she feels uneasy about your going out, just call your friends and cancel; reschedule the activity for another time when she is more likely to give you her permission.

Keep the Home
It will be a great pleasure for her to come home to a clean house and hot meal every single day for the rest of her life, so ensure that she enjoys that comfort. Try to make it home on time to get started on the meal before she gets back. Instead of watching that football match between Chelsea and Arsenal, you can invest that time wisely by using it to clean things around the house. Asking her for help around the house would be unseemly, but if she picks up a broom or pot once, thank her profusely, so that she will be encouraged to help you around the house more.

Keep Fit/Sexy At All Times
If she got together with you when you had your six-pack, it is your duty to make sure you maintain that six-pack. Make sure you go to the gym to work out regularly. The fact that she is already with you is not an excuse to develop a beer gut. Also, make sure you keep a clean shave (if that is what she likes). Mold your biceps, triceps, and all the “ceps” you can mold. And please, no tying of wrapper on that beer gut or wearing of boxers with holes in them. Go shopping once in awhile, and buy outfits that will showcase your assets and excite her.

Satisfy Her Sexually
A lot of women cheat because their men cannot satisfy them sexually in bed, so make sure you do not become one of those men. Even though you may be tired from everything you have been doing all day, you must summon the strength and enthusiasm necessary for satisfying her. If she wants it hanging from the ceiling, then that’s what you should do. Indulge all her fantasies because if you don’t, there are plenty of men waiting to snatch her away from you. Don’t give those men the opportunity to break your home.

Ignore Her Excesses
If she cheats, remember that women are polygamous in nature and she may have been tempted into it. The thing is that her cheating may actually be your fault. Have you let yourself go? Is there something you used to do when you first got together that you no longer do? Try to find out what the other men do that you don’t and then do those things. While you are working on changing whatever it is you are doing wrong, take the matter to God in prayers. Commit her to the hands of God and pray that she leaves all those men outside and comes home to you. As you pray, console yourself with the knowledge that you are the one she chose; all the others are just side men. You are the main man.

Respect Her in Public
When you are in public with her, comport yourself in a way that will make her proud. Do not laugh too loudly lest people think you are ill-mannered. Do not get into arguments with her friends lest they think you are loquacious. Never ever contradict her in front of people. Even if she is dead wrong, just smile and nod your head in agreement. Choose your words carefully and show everyone how much of a gentleman you are whenever you are with her. Also, do not talk badly about her to your friends and family. All you should do is tell everyone how wonderful she is.

Your Life Should Revolve Around Her
This is perhaps the most important point in this guideline. She is the sun and you are Earth, so your life revolves around her. Hang on to her every word, bearing in mind that her words are gospel. Your career aspirations should be tailored to suit her ego. Do not try to be too successful because it will look like you are trying to dominate her. Every decision you make and every action you take should be to the glorification of her.

This list is by no means exhaustive, so I invite all my fellow experts, pseudo experts, quacks, men, women, and homo-sapiens to further expand this list by making suggestions on how men can be better partners to their women. If anyone complains that doing everything on this list is impossible because it demeans men and elevates women to the status of demi-gods, I want him/her to remember all those guidelines that have been published over and over again on how women should worship the grounds men walk on. Is it too revolutionary an idea to suggest that relationships require the devotion, sacrifice, and attention of the two parties engaged in the relationship? Is it too radical an idea to ask that no man or woman should be required to mortgage his/her happiness and agency in a bid to make someone else happy?

Is it too late to say that every relationship is different and that the man and woman must bear the brunt of sustaining the relationship if it is to work? Live and let live.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Rocketclips, Inc.

Human/Sarcastic Empath/Lazy Hardworker/Active Sleeper/Occasional Writer/Part-time Blogger/Unbelieving Omnist/Committed Non-Committer/Human. Default Setting: Self-Preservation. I blog my thoughts on www.optimisticnigerian.com

31 Comments

  1. @edDREAMZ

    April 2, 2015 at 1:11 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    Others i like but this two.. “”Ignore Her Excesses”” and “”Do Not Question Her Movements”” are bunch of rubbish…..
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

    • Tkum

      April 2, 2015 at 2:13 pm

      who wont you like it? instead of you to read and understand wella, you were busy looking for points..adupe!

  2. bruno

    April 2, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    let the male Vs female war begin in 3…2….1….

  3. Nahum

    April 2, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    BRILLIANT!!! I was about to attack the writer for her assumed tongue-in-cheek article until I realized what she was doing. I hope the men that demand to be worshiped can understand the motive behind this article. As ridiculous as this list sounds, that is how ridiculous it sounds to women when we are given a list of do’s and dont’s to sustain our relationships. BOTH parties are responsible for making it work, the pressure should not be on just the women.

    • Ify baby

      April 2, 2015 at 8:03 pm

      I’m going to go ahead and repeat what Nahum said ’cause it cannot be over-said!…’BOTH parties are responsible for making it work…’ BOTH PARTIES!!!

  4. Diddy

    April 2, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    Shey this one na waec abi na jamb sos this exam no easy to pass,person go need expo to pass am,Man and Woman issue no fit end.

  5. Ronke

    April 2, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    Well said………….., Guys please take note.

  6. Oj

    April 2, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    Dont leave the house without her permission, Keep the house, Ignore her excesses and your life should revolved around her seems too good for men to do. Just saying.

  7. ifiii

    April 2, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    I absolutely love this article. It says everything.

  8. #iamhe#

    April 2, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Nicely said, cos I was wondering when men get to be treated like they treat women. Don’t forget a fish gets bad from the head,its the head that let’s fly go in and perch and lay their lava.Treat them the way you will want to be treated. Men love attention,love n care but can’t give one quarter,you ask your guy where are you or where did you go to and boom he calls you a Nag,but he will do a million questioning about everything you do. Just my thoughts

  9. Mr Man

    April 2, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    You have got tot be kidding me…Got to be tongue and cheek!!!! U don craze!

    • Ewa

      April 2, 2015 at 5:14 pm

      Did you really read the last two paragraphs to understand her point of view?????

  10. Carliforniabawlar

    April 2, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    Lmao!! Did anyone else think it was a real article? Well at least the first few points….lols. Let’s stop all this drama and pseudo war of the sexes jare…esnorworit. Biko divert ya energy to something more constructive…like say… I dunno….sex tips for women? Guys get to have all the how make her scream articles….can someone in the house teach women how to make him scream? And none of that generic give him good ol boring head and do acrobatic kama sutra styles stuff…lol. I’m talking correct moves that will keep your partner whipped type of stuff…hmmmmn! I haff spoil mysef with nasty thoughts this early momo 😀

    But seriously we can surely evolve as a people beyond this drama and just give each other tips on how to have happier lives and relationships, right?

  11. Daddy longstroke

    April 2, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    “If she cheats, remember that women are polygamous in nature and she may have been tempted into it” I laugh in Urhobo !!!
    This must be an April fool’s prank 😀

  12. Grown Woman

    April 2, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    hahahaah this is one funny article this is how some men want to be treated in real life abeg i believe love is a two way street no one should be treated any special than the other person.

  13. Miss L

    April 2, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    wow wow wow… I hope men read this and see how stupid the demands and pressure they put us through

  14. mx

    April 2, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    clearly this article was written by a chick…some r correct but others a load of rubbish…

  15. dayo

    April 2, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    Partly sensible, mostly crap. She shud know when and where u r going to, and when u ll be back and u cant ask her what made her come home bu 2:am? your world shud revolve around her? Cuz shez the only thing that matters in the world? what a shallow witted statement, You”ll end up broke n die in poverty den she’ll leave u for anoda. Get a life of ur first jare! dont make the relationship boring.

  16. Temitayo

    April 2, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    Jesu!!!!…….ask for her permission before I can go out ? cancel on my friends if she says no and wait for the day she is likely to say yes? and I can’t ask where she is going? she has to know where I am going and who I am going with?….Why can’t we go everywhere together then? I’ll prefer we go everywhere together rather than having to report to her without her reporting to me too.

  17. Adaeze Writes

    April 2, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    Hahahahaha…I laughed so loud at this article. Nice one!

  18. timmybiliions

    April 2, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    Amazing! I love this. All men ought to study this intensly so that they may observe to do…lol

  19. Chinma Eke

    April 2, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    Lol, lol and lol. I love this, but most times when I read comments on here and on some other blogs, I fear for ougeneration. Is ot the reading or the understanding that’s our problem? A lot of the peeps who commented didn’t understand the article. Ish!

  20. Chinma Eke

    April 2, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    *our generation

  21. Eileen

    April 2, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    Nice.

  22. tunmi

    April 2, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    Oh I loved it.

  23. nene

    April 2, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    this is satire at its best. taking a swipe at men. nice article.

  24. gem

    April 2, 2015 at 11:56 pm

    Hahahahahahaha. I loved this article. Everyday it’s what women must do to keep their men. “What is good for the Greece is good for Uganda”

  25. Lois

    April 3, 2015 at 8:35 am

    Its not a joke… It really sucks… I am surrounded by people who don’t understand this… It hurts and its annoying… Treat me how you want me to treat you… Is that too much to ask? Guys, is that just too much? I am supposed to make my husband’s life easier, I want to bring more money to the family by working, 8am to 6pm daily, I have to take care of all my children, I love them sooo much… But in giving,you can give so much to a point you don’t av anything to give from, and you giving part of you has no rejuvenation… What do you do then?? I don’t know if there’s a liberal man out there for me… Typical relationships are our doom… I am unwed, my love language is service… I love a man dat can serve… I am not lazy or anything… But believe me, a man dat can wah his wife’s clothes and clean up after the kids and himself and tries to make dinner when his wife is running late, chances are: his wife will make his life heaven on earth… No two relationships are the same… What. Is good is good… Shout out to all my sisters doing it… The joy of the lord strengthen you

  26. Jo!

    April 3, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    The satire didn’t quite “satirize” something off about this post

  27. Stephen

    April 9, 2015 at 2:56 am

    The writer tried in this article, nice write up….BUT, yea there are buts.
    I am actually not married, infact single but someday look forward to marrying a decent God fearing lady who knows her duty and wifely/motherly role.
    As a man, you have to be transparent to your wife because she is meant to be your confidant. The woman was created to be Mans helpmeet/personal assistance which also make the man head of duties. The writer may have been right but the article seems more of a gender equality notion which is wrong. If 2 couples are God fearing and know the priniciples of God that revolves around couples, they’d know what to do and how to go about their duties in love and unity. There were plenty wrong statements I don’t agree with and wouldn’t. Am a lover and believe in openess, hardwork and even helping out in the kitchen and with kids but not like my wife would be the breadwinner and come home late, NO. I am the Bread winner.
    Steve

  28. Stephen

    April 9, 2015 at 7:18 am

    The writers opinion seems from a feminist point of view so I wouldn’t agree with a lot of things she says. There’s a lot of things the woman would do that would be ignored, like coming home late but She wouldn’t do that more than once and believe she would not be questioned and cheating. I’d definitely love cooking up for my love when she’s running late but serzly, that can’t happen everytime and if she is sensible, she’d know she has to be back early.
    I believe this revolves around who one gets married too.

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