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Moses Obroku: Please Don’t Fart at Me

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Regardless of how it is described, fart, gas, ‘mess’, pollute, flatulence is that rancid air that people release when the bacteria that reside in the human colon, digest or ferment food that has been absorbed by gastrointestinal (GI) tract before reaching the colon. I understand it smells that bad due to the presence of trace gas like skatole, indole and sulfur containing compounds.

I used to think that farting at others was a childish /adolescent prank that people in that age bracket rascally indulge in; until I came across a picture with a caption that says ‘if your partner has never farted in your presence, end the relationship because he/she may be hiding more dangerous secrets’.
That caption brought back some ugly memories of ‘friends’ who farted loudly and shamelessly during group study periods in the university. And they even proudly defend the act as ‘natural’ and ‘expected’, assailing our nostrils with such putrefaction.

Let us face it, when we release gas even in our privacy, we are sometimes shocked at what we perceive and wonder how such can come from any living person. Some people’s farts are so acrid; they are capable of inconveniencing even the dead. Why in the world should others be made to bear this burden? Aiming farts at people in my opinion is the height of insensitivity. If you looked closely at such perpetrators, they also take others for a ride in many other areas of life. And please everyone, I do realize that some wayward gas can accidentally escape one as ‘accidental discharge’; especially during the restful state of sleep, when nature and bodily organs are in alignment. However, when people discharge their gases indiscriminately at others without due regard to offending their sensibilities; that is simply taking an already bad joke too far. When it is done once, it could be deemed an accident. A second time may be pardoned as a coincidence. The third time however, is clear enemy action! As it is, even a dog knows the difference between being stumbled upon and being kicked at.

Some people are blessed or rather cursed with digestive systems that enable them recycle wastes in their body, so that they may not need to take a dump for a whole week. Please can anyone testify to the concentrated ammonia gas they release when they fart before others? Especially when their digested bean meal is in the mix? Those who get a kick out of expressing themselves through their lower orifice at the expense of others should pay attention: it is not funny! Those of us you afflict do not appreciate such stinking episodes. Please stop it. For the sake of having regard for one another and decency stop it. Even if you need to seek medical help, just in case you claim it’s uncontrollable, just stop it already!

Can anyone even imagine someone farting whether silently or with a bang during an interview or a business meeting with a boss; or on that first date during dinner? So why is it now done with certain deliberateness to those we claim we are closest to, be they friends, spouse or family members?

Farting at people is just cruel, degrading, indecent and inhuman treatment from the perpetrator. I may be wrong, but I have a feeling a Judge will indeed consider dissolving a marriage where the petitioner complains that the spouse relentlessly farts at him/her; causing a feeling of worthlessness, and generally resulting in psychological stress, emotional trauma, psychiatric damage and nervous shock!

Has anyone experienced that moment when a long distance flight lands, and everyone stands up at once thereby ensuring the walkway is clogged; only for some naughty passenger to release that silent gas into the now depressurized cabin that makes the saliva in your mouth sour? Apologies to those whom this piece offends with obnoxious imageries; believe me I am equally disgusted writing it.

A word of caution though, to whom it may concern: the next time your stomach rumbles and you have a sudden urge to release noxious substance into God’s green earth, I beg I beg I beg, park well and do it away from me. A word, it has been tirelessly said, is enough for the wise!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Elliot Burlingham

Aside from being a lawyer, migration management expert, security personnel and fitness buff; there are many other sides to me. I am also a self -proclaimed foodie (and oh yes, to complement that, I can cook!). Of course, writing is my passion and I have a mission to inspire my world, one person at a time. I can be reached on [email protected] Instagram: @mosesobroku

47 Comments

  1. Africhic

    April 15, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    I would have to apologise to some people at my gym……………..guilty as charged.

    • Seriously

      April 15, 2015 at 5:48 pm

      I fart when I eat certain foods, beans, cheese or milk. It smells so bad, but usually do it when I’m by myself or around sisters. My ex and current bf use the bathroom in the morning and let out this LONG loud fart. I’m not sure if it is a guy thing. But, I will to fart once in a while in front of my future husband without feeling somehow. Be free

  2. Beauty

    April 15, 2015 at 12:02 pm

    I was still thinking if i farted in a friend’s car while asleep with about 3 other people in the car and now this Article? Now i know i did…lol!!

  3. Purple Star

    April 15, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    looooooooooooooool…
    Flawless article!

    Nice one.. Although i’m guilty of this because i dnt mind whoever is around me i just let EXPLODE!!!

  4. oyinlola

    April 15, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    I can’t stop laughing *hahahaha* I heard that line too from people about being fart-open with your partner. For the life of me, I won’t do it and that doesn’t mean I’m hiding sh***pardon my Spanish.

    Usually I take water first thing in the morning and that cleanses my system so all the smell accompanies the first and possibly only poo of the day. SO even if I fart a 1001 times during the day, no putrid smell follows.

    • Miss Anonymous

      April 15, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      Na so!

  5. Diddy

    April 15, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    oyinbo man fart and i mess no be the same air we spoil?there was a day my girl woke up one morning said to me since she has been with me she has never witness me fart and i replied her with the same question have u?and she said she is a lady she has to do dat in a femine way and i said to her u must be joking.sometimes i see sophisticated classic ladies and i ask mysef do these.ladies fart at all let alone poo cos some part of me still feel dat fart are meant for guys,just as my friend said na ladies dey mess pass lol.fart sometimes it can be control and sometimes it cant but which ever way let us always be civil wen we are either the victim or the offender in such manner

  6. Cheliz

    April 15, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Hahahaha! “Some people are blessed or rather cursed with digestive systems that enable them recycle wastes in their body,” …..OMG This guy is funny!
    Theshapecube.com

  7. mama dammy

    April 15, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    I have been married for almost 10 years now and the 1st and only time i heard my darling husband fart in my presence was about 3 months ago. To say i was shocked would be an understatement! I on the other hand, i can release my own at any time in his presence…he just ignores me and i burst out laughing. My 6 year old daughter runs into the bathroom to fart…while my son takes after me. Farting is a natural thing… how we do it should depend on who we are with and where we are.

    • Dede

      April 15, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      Please don’t let my boss vex with me ooo, u got me laughing soo loud

    • BeautifulOnyinye

      April 15, 2015 at 7:45 pm

      =))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=)) =))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=)) .Hubby nd I fart freely in front of each other.Mine is very smelly,his is not bad @ all.My siblings and I always did it freely in front of each other but never before strangers.Mumsie does in front of us and says we should even say ‘Thank you’=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=)) .Popsie never does it in front of anyone.He’s the most disciplined of us all.

  8. jaay

    April 15, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Hmmmm, hubby needs to read this article oh, the guy wan carry mess kill me for house!

    • Tkum

      April 15, 2015 at 12:38 pm

      the bobo they try na…na by himself he dey carry the mess, abi u wan help am carry him own mess?

  9. Tkum

    April 15, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    my tummy just rumbled n i let out the peaceful air with grace that came from my offshore dichotomy @ d end of my reading dis wonderful piece…whew!! e no easy to hold mess….by the way i am in the office, a yellow pawpaw beauty dat downloaded iya kudi yam porridge ewa and fried plantain this morning(small portion, mixed kombo)… is it now my fault that hunger nearly clear my eyeball b4 i find wetin i really wanted to eat? so i can work well n focused?.. whenever i am hungry, my eyeballs roll and dance inside my eyes.

  10. Gold

    April 15, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    you made me spill my milk while laughing so hard at this article. Life is not that hard bro, I quite agree not to fart in the public or in a colleague/friend’s face but HELL to tha NO with my spouse. sometimes when my spouse and I are both gisting and laughing and I let out a loud one (you know all those embarrassing farts you let out uncontrollably in the middle of an hysterical laughter, oh yea!) we joke about it. This however, might not be same for other people or couple, but I won’t trade the freedom to fart in my spouse’s face without him filing for a divorce for anything in the world.

  11. t

    April 15, 2015 at 12:46 pm

    hahahha, funny article. someone gassed one day while we were in a meeting, we had to all leave the board room and open windows.it was so bad, someone commented ‘i wont be able to eat for days’. some people were scared to return to the room to continue the meeting. everyone neatly dressed in suits and heels,you wont believe that type of hot smell came from one of us.

  12. Ann

    April 15, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    Gentleman, this is a free world.
    One of the hardest things to control is a fart. How did this post even make it.
    There are much worse issues that you can write about. But FARTING?? Really?
    Cut us some slack.

    • I'm right

      April 15, 2015 at 1:18 pm

      You need to seek medical help. How can you not control your disgusting and smelly fart?

    • I'm right

      April 15, 2015 at 1:21 pm

      No body should fart in my presence, and it doesn’t matter who or what you are. I won’t fart in your presence. What are we? Dogs or goats? We fart, sh!t on each other. Please let’s be civil. If you think you can’t control your fart then something is wrong with you.

  13. Tkum

    April 15, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    tell them oo @Ann.. the hustle and rush in Lagos is enough to make you fart!

  14. C'est moi

    April 15, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    My loud & shame free farts don’t smell that’s why I drop them.

  15. concern

    April 15, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    There r some people that fart frequently like frequently and the fart smells, especially when there ‘re in the mist of others and not minding the number of times they’ve visited the rest room before leaving the house it still smell and these people find it not funny at all rather embarrassing. Now, my question is what can someone take “medicine” to reduce the smell that comes with fartulence ? Pls reply if you have an ideal i’m a victim. Thanks and God bless!

  16. Gampan Haggai

    April 15, 2015 at 1:26 pm

    Nice piece. Talk about Fart, mine can be really bad. Its a secret not even my girlfriend knows about (we don’t live together). This usually happens when I am ill or on medication. Sometimes the emission can be so bad I have to leave the room with immediate effect, or (when driving) lower the car windows to allow breeze come to the rescue (Car AC is bad for fart). Overall, farting has a healing effect on the tummy, with the release of unwanted gas. But this should not be done at the expense of loved ones.

  17. Debee!

    April 15, 2015 at 1:44 pm

    OMG this article is soo funny, and the comments have had laughing since… but seriously farting in someone’s face is not funny I find it disgusting and it becomes annoying when the culprit starts laughing while issuing an apology. Mtcheww

  18. inunu

    April 15, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    Hmmmm, i don laugh taya inside brt bus. For me i put others into consideration when im with friends but with immediate family(mum and siblings), and husband, ve got no control whatsoever. I just love it when i do it and my husband does the same too.

  19. Ocean Beauty

    April 15, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    As my friend always say to me “mess no get toilet”. The babe can fart for state and sometimes it’s bad that she even escapes from her own fart.
    For me, it’s easier to Poo than to fart. I can poo 3 times a day but might fart once a week. The only time I have scattered the air was after my appendicitis was removed and while my sister was cleaning me the following day, I gave her the thing for a job well done. As dem say after the operation, you must fart before food go enter you belle.
    There is this boss in my former office, he just releases anyhow and carries on like nothing happened. Sometimes twice within the hour and his door is always open.
    But then all na nature and remember mess no get toilet

  20. Nuna

    April 15, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    Omg you dont want to enter my parents’ room when they launch one of their farting contests. I’m 27 now and they have been doing the contests since I was a little girl. I dont know how you can get so comfortable with someone enough to let one rip in their presence. LOL. My husband is on another level sef. Infact, what did I do to deserve all the weapons of mass destruction AKA fart machines in my family?? Smh

  21. Babym

    April 15, 2015 at 2:18 pm

    Buahaha OMG! This article is so on point as in i am so fed up with my husband and farting in front of me. And his own is always deliberate o, he will first position his bum bum to allow the loud gas flow freely and then let out a sigh of relief! Then he will now derive one sick twisted pleasure from seeing the disgust on my face! The more i shout and complain the more joy he gets from doing it! HELP!!!!

  22. temmy

    April 15, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    Moses, you write so well. In all we do, lets be sane and kind with it. i never fart outside, but see no reason why i should spare my husband, he has learnt to revenge as months rolled by. A very nice piece. all culprits adjust! lolz

  23. duchess

    April 15, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    This is a really funny piece! Well written. I don’t know how people can actually fart loudly in public! That’s on another level of razor! Whether white oyibo or Naija, if you were on national TV would you fart? It’s really annoying. Some people can actually release quiet non-stinky farts, that’s a bit acceptable coz we can’t smell it anyway but if your sense of smell is on holiday and your fart is loud and or stinky, please show some respect and do it in your own privacy

  24. doxa

    April 15, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    Now I remember the Ibibio word for farting. The person who developed the word sure knew what he was talking about. #ROTFL#

  25. mrs chidukane

    April 15, 2015 at 3:41 pm

    Hahahahaha! What an article. Anyone who invents a medicine that will make you fart perfume smelling fart will rule the world, lol!

  26. Grey

    April 15, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    Lol…. My dad would fart anywhere and no matter how much it smelled he would ask us to tell him thank you. unto say there are people in the hospital praying to God to mess… the man’s fart can kill animals……

  27. TA

    April 15, 2015 at 4:22 pm

    Oh my! Lol! 🙂 I just let a loud smelly one rip while laughing at this . ROTFLOOOL. Thankfully,am all alone so no one will be assaulted. Jokes aside, I think it is bad manners to fart (especially smelly ones) in the presence of others .

  28. nikky

    April 15, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    I remember the first time I heard my popsy fart, i was perturbed, devastated, afraid and confused. But above all I wanted to laugh but i couldn’t. My dad is a very formal kinda dude, everything he does is coated with seriousness and discipline so you can imagine my shock when I was busy yapping away with my Lil bro and my cnn watching dad just father polluted, and it was loud as fu*k. I don’t even remember what we were talking about but everywhere just became quite. You know how it feels when you want to laugh so bad but you can’t and it feels like you want to explode. My brother and I had to literally run into the kitchen as fast as we could to laugh for like five good minutes.

    • Magz

      April 17, 2015 at 8:55 am

      Lmao!!!!! @ “i was perturbed, devastated, afraid and confused” buhahahahaha!

  29. Ginika

    April 15, 2015 at 6:26 pm

    Moses ooooo!!! hahahhahahhahahahahahahaha!!!

  30. Fulfilledlaidy

    April 15, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    Lol

  31. Boss Lady

    April 15, 2015 at 6:59 pm

    I enjoyed this article. It and the comments got me in stitches.
    I am definitely guilty of this and my husband is always upset when I rip one… I think I got this from my mama bcos she farts unapologetically…but I gotta stop because it’s crossing it’s boundaries.

  32. anonymous

    April 15, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    My husband is never around so my kids suffer from my farts. Mine is so bad that even when I bend then or lie flat on the bed the thing will just start coming out. And the thing is I’ll have to FORCE it out when it gets to the an*s. So it comes out with a big BAAAANG!!! Most times it smells bad and the kids will just run away from the room. Lol. My bad! After this article I’ll have to stop assaulting the kids. God biko help me.I think I have flatulence.

  33. rayofhope

    April 15, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    This article reminds me of my ex, we were so relaxed about farting, that if he was pressed, he would rather hold it till he gets to me then he ll release the bomb. In fact, we had names for diff types of mess! But I’ll never be able to do it in public or to strangers.

  34. Adeyyy

    April 15, 2015 at 10:41 pm

    I find it utterly disgusting and irritating when a guy who is supposedly toasting you ; not boyfriend not husband – toaster; farts or says stupid things about using the toilet . We all know that as human beings we have to fart; and we also have to defecate but it is not an attractive way to get someone’s attention. Please. I was once in someone’s car and I suspected he farted. I did not hear a sound but my nose smelt. I was disgusted and in a sense plain humiliated; I just wound down and pretended as though nothing happened. Please respect yourself. If it works to be farting in your relationship please by all means just don’t force it on me.

  35. i no send

    April 15, 2015 at 10:50 pm

    i say this wit a red face..i fart for everyone at home kids especially my daughter even suggest that i see a doctor cos it can be btw 20 to 30 times…lol..also a guy that sat beside me on a long haul flight really suffered he’s face was red by the time i was done…hehehe

  36. obitalk

    April 15, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    well written, so funny. I really laffed hard, thanks for the write-up.

  37. Spring

    April 16, 2015 at 12:11 am

    Ok, so I work in a research lab, and most of the time I make sure to release my “environmental contribution” when I am all alone. Sometimes I even spray ethanol to ‘dilute’ the smell (not that it helps much). But for some reason, right after i release it, someone will walk into the lab…. ALWAYS!!! even if I had been alone for hours before farting!! Which kain wahala be dis na??!! #embarrassing!!

  38. Ayaayo

    April 17, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    OMG, why i am just seeing this? Honestly farting indiscriminately should be a punishable offence (like smoking in public) the first to be punished will be my dear husband, as i have suffered alot of hazard from his flatulence. I wounder how such thunderous “mess ” can come out of him without wrecking his whole behind. I was trying to compete with him at some point but it just didn’t happen not to talk of catching up with him and my farts have been so intimidated that they just refuse to happen except when do number 2

  39. Asher

    April 21, 2015 at 9:27 am

    Hehehehe.. The article is hilarious. Just made me flashback to my growing days. Chai! My father and mother were the real mvps (they still are.. Sigh) I bow to their supremacy! My parents(dad especially) would fact and ask you to say, ‘agba fe ree’.. (apologies to non yoruba speakers.. Someone interpret pls).. So he would spoil the air and create an uncomfortable atmosphere and we would all grudgingly say,’ agba fe ree’.. Then one day, he does the do again and this time, the smell was nothing from the sphere.. At alllll

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