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Nkem Says: Can We Please Stop Farting in Public?

Nkem Ndem

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Nkem NdemAhu enwe’u nno.”  I remember My grandma (God bless her soul) made that comment every single time she farted and we complained. As a child, I always wondered how her anus was still strong enough to release such robust, stinky farts. At her age, one would expect feeble farts…I mean she was wrinkly, grey-haired and soft-spoken… but no, her farts were always silent and deadly.  She was also never apologetic about them either. Instead, she would insist you be grateful and thank her for the farts.

To be fair, she was right. There are no toilets per say for farts: It is gaseous, and it doesn’t make any sense trying to trap or contain it really.  That being said, as humans made in the image of God, we should still have empathy and regard for other souls. We should still try and control where and how we release our farts, especially when it is stinky and others can be affected. It may sound exaggerated, but truly, some farts can affect the quality of an inhaler’s life. There are some farts that are so toxic they can cause internal bleeding or kill brain cells.

I survived one of those kinds of farts this evening.

Sometime last month, I got a message from a girl on Instagram. She seemed cool and legit. Nothing suspect at all. She just said to me that she is an occasional writer, she loved my articles and would like us to be friends. Now, I don’t have a lot of female friends and I thought it would be great connecting with another of the female species. I agreed to meet up at Sabor Lagos, my favourite restaurant in VI. We had a great time until it was time to leave. She did not drive and I said to her that rather than take an Uber or Taxify, I would drop her off at home as she was going my way anyway.

As we drove off, I turned on the radio. My song was own. Phyno’s majestic voice was giving me life, crushing my fears and leading me to that moment of joy and faith in humanity. Then it happened. Suddenly, a potent gas filled the car. It was a strong smell of rotten eggs with a hint of fermented blood. Even if someone had squat and pooped at the back seat, it would not have smelled as bad. Worse, there was no escape. We were trapped in the car. I was very sure I had not farted, and I had set the AC not to let in air from outside the car. Clearly, this girl was the culprit. She was the only other being with the ability to fart in the car. The funny thing is that this aunty just kept talking as if nothing had happened.

How rude!

My lungs were on fire. I could feel my white blood cells already agile and gearing up to fight. I just couldn’t pretend and open my mouth to respond to her. No way was i going to pretend and swallow the smell. I was upset …but I also didn’t want to embarrass her by calling her out on it. I just kept mute. She noticed I was uncomfortable, so she stopped talking and kept quiet. After about five minutes, when the smell wouldn’t die out and my nose was refusing to adapt, I just slowly wound down the windows. It had become a matter of life and death. it was awkward. I did not speak, nor did she speak until I dropped her off. And even after she got off, the smell lingered.

Why though? Why do people think it is okay to fart in a space where you have other living and breathing beings situated? It may seem like a trivial issue but I strongly believe that farting in public is a topic that we should talk more about. I once had one of my best friends publicly humiliated and punched because he farted in public. People have lost opportunities, relationships have suffered and more because people farted in public! Why are we not talking about this? Are we all too afraid?

After this experience, I am even more weary of these digestive-miscreants who have no qualms spoiling the air for others and ruining their day.  Please, to what authority do we file these complaints? How many years in prison should we propose for these villains? While I await the answers to this question, I have two tips that may help those who find that they always want to fart in public and are have no clue how to handle dram

  1. Watch what you eat before you go to a public event or you go out with someone else. Avoid dairy products and other foods that may cause bloat. Yes, eggs especially. They can stink up your fart so much that you can even get away with a silent one. And if you are on your period, never fart around another human. I repeat: Never fart next to another human. Those who know, know.
  2. Find ways arounds the problem. If you cannot suppress or hold the fart and you know if will stink, go calmly to a spot far from everybody else and release yourself in peace. If there is no safe corner like in my situation, humble yourself and at least alert the person and ask for the car window to be let down. It wont take much from you. You can even joke about it. Own it.

Do you have any other helpful tips? Please share. Let’s put an end to this farting in public thing biko. If you have also had a similar experience please share and tell us how you handled it.

xo

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for copywriting, editing and proofreading. She is also a content creator (web, T.V, radio) who has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer. E-mail: [email protected]; IG: @kem_dem; Twitter: @ndemv

16 Comments

  1. anonymous

    September 7, 2018 at 3:51 pm

    I seriously have this problem. I fart especially in church. So much so that when i come to church my seat is often vacated to avoid the release

    • Audrey

      September 10, 2018 at 12:49 pm

      LOL are you me? It seems as if I only fart in church. It’s so embarrasing. I ‘ve tried clenching my butt , I don’t think that works after a number of farts. Besides I think sitting makes it more difficult. I try to stay outside during evening services. I need a solution or I’ll earn myself a name soon

  2. dupsy

    September 7, 2018 at 3:58 pm

    What that lady should have done was to alert you jokingly that she was about to fart or maybe wind down the glass and warn you that she did it because she was about to release a stinker! We all fart, it is a human necessity I mean those gases have to be released one way or the other right? The problem is that it doesn’t warn us ahead of time hence the need for a creative way to circumvent not offending others with our farts.
    I was in the US some months ago in a grocery store checking out some body creams when I released one of the stinkiest farts of my life, I myself couldn’t bear to smell the fart it was that bad, I felt I would choke or fall sick if I smelled it so I quickly ran to one of the aisles that didn’t have anyone there and kept moving back and forth so that the smell would follow me and I won’t need to swallow it. One rude guy who felt I was surveying the body creams just blocked me and stayed at the exact spot where I was standing. I silently released another stinking fart before I could control myself, the guy tried to prove strong and looked straight. After some seconds I saw his nose twitching seriously like that of a rabbit, he covered his nose but that didn’t seem to help, before you could say Jack Robinson his eyes bulged out and he ran away leaving me in peace!

    Yes we have to fart but we have to be extremely polite and creative the way we go about our farting. Sorry for your experience I can imagine the hell you went through!

    • Olu

      September 7, 2018 at 7:47 pm

      LOL…..

      Thank God for the chance to leave comments anonymously on blogs. I’m sure meeting you, one wouldnt think you even pee talk less of taking a dump!

      Chei, see how you described your own fartsssss. I smelled the two of them!

    • Seriously

      September 7, 2018 at 10:31 pm

      @dupsy I’m laughing so hard. Fart is natural, and no we should fart in public, just be courteous of people around you. I love when I fart openly and a wave of breeze just blows it away, i feel so relaxed afterwards. I hate when i release a bad one, thinking ain’t nobody around then some heffa decides to talk to me at that same time, or stay close to me.
      I was babysitting my little cousin one time, so i farted thought little kid, #doesn’tmatter #won’t notice. Only for her to turn around, pointed at my butt and said stinking butt.

      But I ain’t down for farting during sex, that’s a no no. Maybe the airy ones but I tried not to at all. And definitely bae shouldn’t try that with me.

  3. iyke

    September 7, 2018 at 4:02 pm

    Nkem biko hapu that thing joor. lol
    I tell you, you and I are here on earth to fart around. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise lol.
    Common nah…Farting do not hurt anyone. It make us laugh until it hurts, especially with the kids? I mean, the rest of us laugh WITH the farter, not AT him or her.
    If you are the type that gets upset, then it’s about you and not Me joor…I fart anyhow lol which doesn’t reek though.
    Yes responses will be mixed, ranging from laughter, incomprehension to disgust depending on situation, and I understand lol.
    But if you are my GF and can’t fart around me, what else are you hiding from me? lol

  4. Hotchick

    September 7, 2018 at 4:15 pm

    Why do I feel like my soon-to-be 5 year old nephew needs to read this thing? The boy can fart/butt burp for Africa. Stinky bombs, all with very mean snickering/laughing when I start screaming.

    @Dupsy, let them not fire me at work oh. Lol! You are too wicked. Me, I fart in public, but I’ve perfected the science wella. No one in front, or behind me for at least 2/3 minutes. Also, it is helpful when you have a slight breeze, or you can fan the tin to help it:-).

    Try riding a crowded train or bus and clenching your butt cheeks; the tin hard. More power to the “butt burp,” abeg, make I do my day job.

  5. Lilo

    September 7, 2018 at 4:26 pm

    Yorubas will say ko si ile iso.

    The end

  6. Take it easy

    September 7, 2018 at 5:20 pm

    It’s not that serious, its just fart lol

  7. Very funny

    September 7, 2018 at 6:13 pm

    Hahaha I died reading this and the comments

  8. Mrs chidukane

    September 7, 2018 at 10:58 pm

    There’s this extremely loud one my husband does while peeing in the morning. I call it the destiny destroyer. Farting near people is a no no. I find it irritating. After my baby,I experienced what they call vaginal farts. That one is the worst. Its not smelly,just very loud and you can’t control it. Even during the do,very embarrassing. Women are really suffering, lol.

  9. Billionaire in grace

    September 8, 2018 at 7:21 am

    Drinking ENO helps to reduce the smell of the stinky fart.drink it once you know that your fart will be smelling so bad and you will be attending meetings or any events.

  10. Smh

    September 8, 2018 at 11:00 am

    My mum farts in public and it’s very embarassing. Like she will fart in a line and turn around to laugh. Hoping I laugh too. I find it quite embarassing and irritating. It’s not funny at all. Please try to reduce people’s discomfort especially in tight spaces. Walk away politely and fart away. I fart but I am conscious of those around me.

  11. Chuks

    September 9, 2018 at 9:54 am

    Woah…..this is so articulate darl, but honestly sometimes it could be so difficult to handle….great write up

  12. Jade Edo babe

    September 9, 2018 at 2:21 pm

    the comments are so funny. me i don’t fart. Lol Infact, can sombori explain it to me. I never experit it.

  13. Yahul Wagoni

    December 23, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    The author is a true fart smeller herself, I can sense the flatulence even through the Internet terminal I use. Let her be pickled in farts.

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