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Georgette Monnou: What is Your Love Language? Miss. Touchy Feely or Mr. Quality Time

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Too often this question comes to mind, “what will it take to make a relationship work?” This question is quite a big one and I cannot sit here writing and tell you that I have all the answers, because I do not. However what little wisdom I have received over the years, I shall attempt to impart.

Have you ever heard of this thing called Love Languages? If you haven’t, you should check it out. It was a book initially written by an anthropologist with a wealth of knowledge and experience (45 years married) called Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman has since then written countless books on relationships, hosted seminars and devised a test you can take here,
which is free! The test has served me well on a very basic level to understand what exactly makes me feel loved. Is it Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation or Receiving Gifts?

Depending on who you are you will score quite highly in a particular expression(s)of love. Over the years I have tested myself and what I have come to realise is this, you will have about three that are quite prominent. However, if you are in a relationship, your scores might fluctuate. This variation depends on what you might be lacking in your current relationship. Let me give you an example. You might be in a long distance relationship, but you both message, Skype and FT a lot. You have his emotional support in all your endeavors; he sends you flowers on your Birthday and certain gifts randomly. In that case you feel his love in terms of Words of Affirmation, possibly Quality Time (in as much as you can have it) and Receiving Gifts. If you do the test then, you might rate a little higher than usual in the Physical Touch department seeing as that is not something you have a lot of in your current relationship. In that case, the Quality Time you guys share, FaceTiming, Skyping is needed to make up for what you lack in physical presence. As you probably know, communication is the most crucial thing in a long distance relationship; otherwise you are in a relationship with a ghost.

What I will do now, is to take each Love Language in turn, and if you rate highly in one of them or semi – equally in more than one, these are tips you might find helpful to help your relationship last.

Quality Time
You love to spend time with your partner. Not you, your partner, ten friends and his mobile phone. What is important is the undivided attention of your partner. If this is your main love language make sure that no matter how busy you get, you and your partner get to spend some good alone time. Whether it is dinner, going to the cinema, travelling together, taking a class together or kicking it at home. Whatever tickles your fancy as long as it is YouTwoTime. I would stress in light of the fast paced tech world, that your androids, iPhones, and Blackberry’s are not involved. Constant use of mobile phones has put a major strain on relationships in the 21st Century.

Receiving Gifts
For this one, nothing makes you feel more loved than receiving a gift. This one I find quite funny, because if you put this in the context of Nigerian men and women, some people can take the mickey. Certain people don’t just ask for designer gifts, some people ask for cars, houses, shares in a company etc. I stress that both women and men, should be realistic. Speaking to women in particular now – depending on how old he is, or how settled he is, the guy might just be starting off in life. He cannot afford to buy you a car. Depending on how much he manages to save, he might be able to get you a designer item.

However, if one is to go back to the whole point of receiving a gift, it should be a way your partner shows you that he loves you, it should be a kind gesture. It does not have to be a grandiose act or an expensive gift. In fact I find the smallest actions mean the most. Receiving some flowers and a card at random with a beautiful message found within it is the most romantic thing. Now I am not saying that receiving designer gifts is a bad thing. I won’t turn it down if I was to receive it. However, commanding or demanding it, as if you are entitled or have some right to it, is where I have a problem. Let the giving of an expensive gift be his way of spoiling you. I find that the Nigerian society in particular has turned things on its head and the unrealistic expectations people have, poses unnecessary pressure in relationships especially on the men (who are the ones that are dictated to provide and to ‘woo’). The poor guy probably smitten with you will get into debt! Some steal, or shall I say ‘borrow’ just to impress you. Biko everyone needs to chill!

Disclaimer: Now guys, if you are dating a girl who rates highly in gifts, whatever your judgments are, if you know you can’t cut it, then don’t get involved with her, especially if she has expensive taste. Ultimately, your relationship will be strained, as you are not able to cater to her apparent ‘needs’.

Words of Affirmation
This one can be controversial but it need not be. Some people would argue that the person is needy etc. To break it down, words of affirmation means that your partner tells you how much they love you. They are there to support you in whatever you do. If you get a 1st class in your degree, your partner tells you how proud they are of you, how much they believe in you etc. That is not too much to ask for in a relationship. At the end of the day a relationship is a partnership, you want to know your partner in life believes in you, loves you and will support you in your various endeavors. If this is your main love language you cannot be with a self-obsessed partner. As soon as you detect that please walk away. How can you be with someone who expects you to support them, but they are unwilling to do the same? No matter whether this is their main love language or not, unless your partner is willing to change who they are for you (bearing in mind that they will revert to form) is that a risk you are willing to take?

This love language comes more naturally to women I would argue than it does to men. Seeing as women are usually the emotional support unit in any relationship or family. However, trust me when I say if a man really loves you, and believes in what you do, he will support you and push you to be a better version of yourself. Look for your cheerleader, not someone who is intimidated by your light and as a result, dampens your shine. You are an #étoile remain that way.

Acts of Service
This can mean different things to different people. It could be that your partner helps you wash up the dishes after you have cooked. They picked up your siblings from school while you had a prior engagement. They did the weekly shop. They took you home when you were in a tight spot. They helped you finish a project, etc. Whatever the action is, what is certain is that your partner has gone out of their way to do something to help you out. If this is your main love language you need to communicate it to your partner. Naturally I find in relationships that people do things they don’t usually do (in a good way most times), to make their partner happy. So it might just come naturally to your partner, if it doesn’t, ask them to help you out, communicate your needs.

Physical Touch
This one pretty much goes without saying. It begins with an arm across your shoulder, to holding hands, to a hug and much more. If this is how you connect with your partner it is important to let them know. Honesty is the best policy and there is no shame in it.

If both you and partner have a disconnect on a serious level, then depending on how you want to deal with it, you might consider not being with this person. Here’s why. There is that saying that if your partner really loves you, he will wait for you. In some cases, that is true, but at the same time, you are depriving your partner of what they think they need in their relationship. This deprivation does not serve you or your relationship well. Hence you have some people putting pressure on their partners to go farther than they are comfortable, or constantly complaining that they are not happy which in turn again puts pressure on their partner. In those cases, please free yourself and move on. There is no point straining your relationship. Now if you are that guy or girl, that is able to put this one aside in your relationship, in terms of the ‘much more.’ Then that’s brilliant! I hope you enter a relationship with someone who is on the same wave length as you.

However, I must warn you, people change over time for different reasons. What they think they want might not be the same in a year etc. So, you might find yourself in a relationship where you and your partner are on different levels. If that is the case, both of you have to be patient, communicate your needs. Find out what works for both of you and work within a realistic timeline. No one can wait forever.

Now that I have gone through these love languages, what’s next?

Discussion. This test is not only for you, but it’s also for your partner. By you both realising what expression(s) of love speak most to each other, you can take strives to implement what works for each other.

Tell me my #étoile, what is your love language?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang

Georgie is a Creative Enthusiast who spends a lot of her time involved in various creative projects. To see more of her work, check out her new blogisite – www.realtalkwithgeorgie.com Once you click on the link, you will join the league of stars that have exclusive access to Georgie through her articles, photos, poems and more.

20 Comments

  1. EllesarisEllendil

    May 29, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Mr when I’m gaming leave me the hell alone!! Not every-time phone calls, occasionally take a break and read.

  2. tunmi

    May 29, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    I took the test when I was with the boo then and it was acts of service. Nothing shows your intent more than putting your words to action. In fact don’t even use words sef. Washing the dishes, offering to drop off my coworker who is in need without your face konra-ing, helping out without being offered an essay on why your participation is needed, vacuuming while I cook, or the both of UA doing chores together….that right there is love. Next would be quality time and physical touch. There is something about being with your partner and enjoying the silence while snuggled in each other’s arms. As for gifts ehn, gift me your acts of service.

    • cindy

      May 29, 2015 at 6:24 pm

      Wow….we are so alike. I just took the test too.. .. mine is 1. Acts of service 2. Quality time 3. Physical touch 4. Words of affirmation 5. Gifts
      hmmm….I should get le boo to take this test too?

    • Ada Nnewi

      May 31, 2015 at 1:22 pm

      Same here. 1. Acts of service…2. Words of confirmation 3. Physical touch

  3. Kiiki

    May 29, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    #TeamTouchyFeely

  4. Onye

    May 29, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    What if my love language is all of them. Kai!

  5. le coco

    May 29, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    @onye.. i feel you girl.. me self its ALL of the above… nd i trully understand th act of gift giving…. nt the new nigerian defnition.. lol.. and i give gifts with out occassion….. which is more special to us..

  6. Imani

    May 29, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    I totally agree with you, Tunmi. For me, acts of service would be number 1. Oga, please help me with the chores, and some other errands without me asking. I remember dating this hot Jamaican dude, our chemistry was on another level. One night when he was at my house, i whipped up this delicious meal for him, and once we were done eating, he proceeded to wash the dishes. Even though, that might seem like nothing to some people, it meant a lot to me. That right there is what i call romance. Plus i noticed that everytime we went grocery shopping, he always offered to carry all the shopping bags, he never allowed me carry even the smallest bag. most times, it’s the little things that matter, the thoughtfulness. Quality time also. i want to just chill with you, and not have to deal with your friends around, or you on the phone. The little things, sometimes men need to realize that, yes, money is important, but it’s not everything. Me i love gifts sha o!

    • tunmi

      May 30, 2015 at 5:20 am

      Yasssss to all of this. Especially without asking too and with the greatest smile on your face, makes me miss the ex-boo (nope, not going down that path). I loved grocery shopping with him (sigh)

  7. whocares

    May 29, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    There is something to be said for this test.. I have been quarrelling with someone for three days now because they refused to apologise for upsetting me. Now this certain somebody has tried to make me laugh, hugs, pecks, kisses the works.. but the truth is until I hear the words “I am sorry” I do not consider it a real apology. Sure, I have fallen for those in past times, but I just need to hear the words. Today, I was wondering if there is something wrong with me and why the gestures cannot be enough (as I really do appreciate them) and if I was being too stubborn or set in my ways (It could be a little bit of that too) but words really are important to me.. Now I understand better. Let me grab that book.

    • cindy

      May 29, 2015 at 6:31 pm

      I understand you babe. Some people find it difficult to say I’m sorry, thank you, please, excuse me. We sometimes take these words for granted especially when we are relating with loved ones. I love hearing those words said directly to me because it shows you are not taking my love for granted and that you are willing to let go of your pride for me. So baby, there is nothing wrong with you. If everyone learns to say these words sincerely, the world will be such a better place with less conflict. I think you should tell your man how you really need him to apologise so that you can find it easier to forgive him.

  8. chichi

    May 29, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    help me out guys..
    so I like this guy.. we’ve gone on several dates and we both went to his home..lord God.. I live in the GTA and I have never been to that part of town in my life! so ghetto.. heck, he may be the only sane person living there.. this guy is nigerian, 26 and just finished his masters..why did he choose such area to live in..even if it’s cheap..there are safer places to live in. I don’t know if I sound materialistic but i really hate where he stays and from the look of things, i don’t think he’s very much financially stable as he just got a job after grad ..which i’m sure he’s not earning a lot…for now..he asked me to be his girlfriend but I haven’t given him an answer yet. I am dragging my feet and i think its because of his present financial situation. i like this guy so much and I feel so terrible that i’m doing this but is it bad to have a boyfriend who at lives in a comfortable environment? must not have a car just yet as he lives and works in the city and not too broke… I’m not a gold digger..but lets just say I cannot let friends or family know where this guy stays as it is ghetto as hell..with crack heads around..

    • Ms. Brown

      June 1, 2015 at 11:11 am

      Well if you really like him u could try, but it just means u cant visit him at home or stuff like that. i once “tried to date” a guy i couldnt even use the restroom in the house or the kitchen, or the corridor, or even d room… it was a “face me I slap u”. You wouldnt call it ghetto or anything, its actually located in one of those fine expensive areas of Lagos. But u would be shocked at the kind of house he rented. I thought it was one of those “he’s just starting out” thing, till i realised he was a broke ass in truth and in spirit. Stingy till thy kingdom come(im d most independent woman ever,nobody should come here and tell me im materialistic now o) but nigga would rather “chill” than go anywhere cos he doesnt wanna buy stuff..if ure around him u wee probably just eat 200 naira suya or fruits or starve to death! If u offer to buy he will take insult! and free food at mine is his constant daydream. so well, just weigh ur options. First, I dont even like going to a guys house, second, house wasnt tempting but nigga wants to be chlling tufiakwa. it was a trying moment. Just look well before u jump or whatever. peoples advice wont help,at the end of the day, your heart knows what ur heart wants

  9. gracie

    May 30, 2015 at 12:33 am

    I think am cool with word of affirmation, act of service n quality time even if d status is complicated at d moment#sigh

  10. DC

    May 30, 2015 at 11:05 am

    I luv all. Buh 1st of all, act of service nd quality tym

  11. le coco

    May 30, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    @chichi.. you sed it yourself…. he just got a job after grad.. he isnt making a lot of money.. my question is.. does he behave razz lyk the people in the neighbourhood? if no.. then stick with him… you say you really like him.. and i hope he feels the same.. to me oo.. it seems like this guy is saving up.. when a man is saving up for marriage he may not necessarily tell his girl… perhaps in the next two years you myt get a ring and he may buy a house…. be grateful he isnt flexing and spending the little money her has on rubbish.. i am in a relationship similar to yours… my man has a masters degree, currently looking into his phd options.. jobs arent coming we remain prayerful. i love him.. nd he respects me. i am willing to hang on, till we both become stable, because this is a once in a life time typa man..
    if you really like him.. nd you see the relationship going somewhere.. hang in there, this man may surprise you. you dont know what he is saving up for.
    I APOLOGISE IN ADVANCE FOR ANY TYPOS

  12. Soph

    May 30, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    I just took the test and tops for me was words of affirmation followed by acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch, Oh well!

  13. Tk

    May 31, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    ‘She’ wants and ‘she ‘needs every where…please when are you dropping the ‘He’ wants and ‘he’ needs too so that we can atleast let them know that we get freaked out knowing that our babe can’t survive without these stuffs up here….

  14. deb

    June 1, 2015 at 11:02 am

    Boo and i are definitely #teamPhysicalTouch and #teamQualityTime, then he’s more #teamWordsOfAffirmation (and he even tries to reciprocate, which i appreciate so much), while i’m more #teamActsOfService, which he does soooo well. We’re saving up for our home and tryna change jobs, so gifts have only been for special occasions, and we both try to make it count 😀

  15. Ms. Brown

    June 1, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Dear writer Georgette , talking of gifts why do u assume its only girls that demand expensive gifts! I have a friend who used to date a guy who earned 3 times of what she earned. and if he brought her a gift worth X value he would expect to get a gift also worth X value irrespective of her pocket. He had higher taste that she could not afford and whenever it was his birthday or anything, he would of course be unreasonabe about any gift he got! she once got insults for buying him a series of books for his first birthday with her..i remember her crying on her shoulders, poor girl! Some guys rate highly in gifts too! wayy high you would be shocked at the vanity!

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