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The Love Lint: Are You Babying Your Man Too Much?

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We’ve all heard the complaints…and you have probably even made some of them yourself. You know the ones we’re talking about. ‘Nigerian men are not romantic anymore’ ‘Romance has flown out of the window’ ‘Men these days like everything easy’….

A member of our community, Winifred*, recently started a discussion thread, about this trend. She had been chatting consistently with a guy on BBM for about a month, when he asked her out on a date. She agreed, and they went on to talk about venue, date and time. On the morning of the agreed day, the guy had texted her to ask if she could pick him up, on her way to the mall. From one of their previous conservations, he knew she didn’t live too far from there.

Winifred told him she would have had no problem picking him, but as she was going to the mall from her office, and would be taking another route, it wouldn’t be entirely convenient for her. The gentleman kept trying to persuade her to take his route instead, just so she could pick him up, not minding the fact that it was going to make her spend at least an extra hour in the Lagos rush-hour traffic! Well, she refused…and the date never happened. Reactions to this were mixed, with some community members saying she should have just made the sacrifice, that the guy was probably testing her to see how far she could go, etc. Testing though! Hmmm! Someone else felt she should have given the guy the benefit of doubt, and driven all the way to get him for the date. In the crazy Lagos traffic? After a hard day’s work? For someone she wasn’t even sure of? Hmmm, we think not!

Okay, what if Winifred had actually taken the plunge, and taken the detour to pick up her date? Isn’t it possible that she would have found herself, maybe, paying for the movie…the meal…future dates…her engagement ring…their wedding…their rent…school fees? You might accuse us of getting carried away, especially as bobo simply asked for a ride, but if the he couldn’t be bothered to go out of his way on the first date, wouldn’t that set the tone for the rest of the ensuing relationship?

Over the years, women’s standards and requirements have lowered, and continue to spiral down faster than the pull of gravity. Our men folk (God bless them) seem to be well aware of this, and have taken advantage of the situation. Gone are the days when a man who asked you out on a date would drive to your house to pick you up, take you out, and drive you back home. These days, it’s usually a ‘Let’s meet up there!’ arrangement, that could very well get cancelled with a simple text message that reads ‘Sorry. Can’t make it. Busy day at the office. Talk later?’, with the text sometimes coming thirty minutes after you were supposed to meet up. Blame it on gender equality or a sign of the times, but the fact that a woman is now being reprimanded for not going to pick up a man, who asked her out, is most definitely not a good thing! Not even a little bit.

In today’s world, it seems that men are able to get away with atrocities, without any repercussions. Women are continuously breaking almost all their standards, mainly so they don’t find themselves back in the Single Ladies’ Club. Men will continue to get away with as much as they are allowed to and, just like babies, they will keep pushing boundaries to find how far they can go! The question is, how much are you going to keep taking and putting up with, before you lose every sense of dignity and pride as a woman?

Don’t get us wrong. Spoiling, pampering and babying your man are important components of a relationship, and very healthy when it mutual and reciprocated. There’s nothing wrong with indulging your man and going out of your way for him…as long as he doesn’t turn around to abuse it, or take it for granted.

So, here’s a call out to the guys out there. You need to rise to the occasion! anticipate the need of your partner and also shower your lady with some TLC. When was the last time you made your lady feel special? Do you know the specific little things that make her happy? Do you only buy her the perfunctory gift on her birthday…or Valentine’s day, if she’s lucky? When last did you do something utterly sweet for her, that had her gushing to her colleagues the next day at work? We have found out that men rise up to whatever standards we hold them to. But ladies, know this. If he likes you, he’ll be more than willing to go the extra mile for you. And if he doesn’t? Well, aren’t you better off waiting for the one who does? Waiting for the man who deserves you might be hard, but settling for treatment you don’t deserve will eat away at your self-esteem, slowly but surely.

It is one thing to reduce your standards to accommodate someone else, but when does it become too much? Keep your standards as high as your heels, and only accept the love that you deserve.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Monkey Business Images

The Love Lint (www.thelovelint.com) is a relationship support community, and a safe haven for all things about LOVE…the good days, and the not so good. Our forums offer a platform for people to commune with others, share their experiences, seek expert advice, and get the strength required to move on.

105 Comments

  1. HAFFISH

    October 21, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    WHAT IF SHE HAD GONE TO PICK HIM UP AND GOT MOBBED BY HIM AND HIS GANG? IT COULD BE VERY DANGEROUS FOR ANYONE TO PICK UP ANYONE ESPECIALLY A GUY YOU HAVEN’T MET BEFORE.

    • onye

      October 21, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      Girls should stop being too easy. Many guys stopped calling because I wasn’t chasing them but now I have a guy who chased me and we are engaged to be married.

  2. sane

    October 21, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    Same thing happened to me weeks back. Dude visited from Abuja and doesn’t have a car understandable. Dude stays with sister who has a car and he couldn’t borrow his sister’s car on a weekend to come to the mall and was expecting me to drive to from Yaba to Ajah to pick him all in the name of lets try and make it work.(ko joh mehn) I told dude sorry i cant and he hasnt called me since den. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

    • Cynical

      October 21, 2015 at 6:33 pm

      @sane I am looking for cane to help you flog this brother o. Whatttt??? From yaba to Ajah ke? Does he know the distance???? Or he thinks it’s Abuja where everywhere is not too far? Just be thanking your stars o,u really dodged a bullet.

    • Lily

      October 21, 2015 at 6:36 pm

      Drive to Ajah from Yaba? He has to be Dangote’s son for me to do that

    • amaa

      October 21, 2015 at 7:13 pm

      What happened to the lagos red cab I heard somuch about or taxi hire. If you dont have a car its not a death sentence just pick up a taxi and be o your merrry way

    • Jhennique

      October 22, 2015 at 11:32 am

      Even if na dangote son sef? So waht? cab don finish for lagos?

    • Kiitan

      October 22, 2015 at 2:54 pm

      @Lily, even Dangote’s son, na OYO him dey…what rubbish!!! The only person I will drive that distance for is my mother (and I know mumc who is very considerate will not agree to that, she will take a taxi instead). Palaba nonsense

    • precious ibik

      October 22, 2015 at 7:56 am

      Lol he is not serious. So he could not find his way to the mall? Sacrifice? Duh

  3. Ada Nnewi

    October 21, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    God bless the author of this article! This is the truth… A friend once asked me how I manage to get men folk to go out of their way for me when I need them to. I just replied that I let them understand that I have behavioural standards that I expect from them and I won’t hesitate to cut them off if they intentionally fall below them…

  4. So true

    October 21, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    I agree with the author, once you lower your standards, the men will keep pushing it down, I am experiencing it so I know what I am talking about. 15 years and 4 children still waiting for that real date, hubby has been promising me since we met. First date we met in a friend’s house and we got married after 6 months.

    • odi

      October 21, 2015 at 6:49 pm

      Lmaoooo. Don’t even know where to start cos this one seems like a lost case. You gave him everything he wanted on a platter of gold and he could smell the desperation or low self esteem cos if you couldn’t get a proper date within those six months then I don’t know how realistic it is to expect it now. 15 years and four kids later? You really let him eat his cake and have it and you must have bent over backwards so much for him you can’t stand straight anymore. Don’t give up hope tho. Impossible is nothing but you also gotta do something you’ve never done in order to get something you’ve never had. Goodluck!

    • Tosin

      October 22, 2015 at 8:12 am

      but odi, why e dey sweet you? why evils?

      Sista SoTrue, don’t worry, diaris God. initiate the romance, take him out to Chinese one day, do what you wish would be done unto you 😉 oga sef will learn small-small. or get one small six-pack boy on the side, even more effective, let oga see you GLO – it’ll leave him wondering how he can improve his own quality of service.

    • Raj

      October 22, 2015 at 10:50 am

      i mean, why do you marry a man you met in a friends house after six months?

    • KJ

      October 22, 2015 at 2:29 pm

      what’s wrong with marrying someone you met at a friend’s house?…

    • Niola

      October 22, 2015 at 2:27 pm

      @ madam so true pele oooI think you should write to Stephanine Linus’s show….Make me fabulous abi what is the name of that programme again… lol

  5. Rufina

    October 21, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    Bull…. Bull…Bulll….. this dude has got to be the most spineless, balless indivudual I have ever heard about. Seriously?! How did he even have mouth to say she should pick him?! As in drive into traffic? Dudes of these days though… Mschew!
    Don’t lower your standards for any brother o jare. If they cannot rise to your standards, they weren’t meant for you anyways.

    • Engoz

      October 21, 2015 at 10:47 pm

      What does picking up someone have to do with you lowering one’s standards? Lmao!

  6. ItsDidi

    October 21, 2015 at 6:17 pm

    I support d girl. D guys shuld hv made an effort.

    For ur capptivatin fictional stories check out itsdidisblog.blogspot.com

  7. Paul Babalola

    October 21, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    I don’t understand Nigeria women, if the roles were reversed and the dude refuses to pick the girl up for reasons of fatigue and Lagos traffic, would you biased ladies also blame the guy. I don’t get it in relationship in this part of the World, the guy should sacrifice while the lady should enjoy. It is the same reasons why guys have this entitlement status about themselves that they have taken you out, they must sleep with you. Nigerian women will be preaching sophistication, while you are far from it. What gives you the impression if the lady had gone to pick the guy that he will have a less respect for her. Am so shocked reading this. I don’t blame Nigerian guys again breaking lady’s heart back home because both male and female have selfish reasons for dating. I have now realised that Nigeria women consider what love means to be where the guy inconvenience his life, spend all his money without them even offering 50% of his efforts. Someone remarked probably the lady out of been security conscious evaded the guy, the same can also be said if roles are reversed. It’s obvious in Nigeria, love is the last thing in marriage, it seems anyone that can meet your convenience. That is why Naija men sleep around like dogs having a feeling that those wives married them for reasons other than love.

    • O

      October 21, 2015 at 7:58 pm

      Yeah, NO! You missed the point of the article. First meeting, FIRST; the guy should have made an effort, period. A man is just that, a man. He has the say in determining if there’ll be any form of relationship, so he should be looking to make an impression/effort. Otherwise, he’s throwing bananas, seeing who’ll eat them. Girl used her medula oblangata. (Medical folks, forgive any errors).
      As with any relationship, business or otherwise, first impressions matter, A LOT!

    • Rolly

      October 21, 2015 at 10:44 pm

      You found a way to link this article to a married man cheating because of his wife. Of course it’s never the cheater’s fault…always the victims. What a truckload of bullsh!t.

      Anyway, if you ask me out on a date and then expect me to go out of my way to pick you up… Then have the audacity to get upset because it wasn’t convenient.. GOOD RIDDANCE. Never EVER will I feel bad for demanding respect and common sense from men. Being single is not a disease ladies, stand your ground.

      And yes I am married. I know you bad belle people were ready to jump to conclusions 🙂

    • ATL's finest

      October 23, 2015 at 12:38 am

      Lol @ Medulla Oblongata Ok boo U are forgiven:) but that cracked me up..

    • brown-ice

      October 21, 2015 at 8:02 pm

      Who be this? Yeye dey smell. *control+shift* abeg

    • lmdd

      October 22, 2015 at 7:06 am

      It was first date not relationship. Don’t miss the point here.

    • Magz

      October 22, 2015 at 9:49 am

      Dear Paul Babalola,

      I have seen your comments before and i think you are married.

      Now, lemme ask; if you had a daughter and she came to tell you “Dad, this guy i have been chatting with for a while now finally asked me out. He said i should come pick him at home because he doesn’t have a car. Going that route in that particular time of the day is gonna cost me one hour at least, what do you advise? Should i go and pick him up?”
      What would be your advice to her? A guy she has NEVER met before! In this world of rape, gang-rape, kidnapping etc! If you’re honest, you will admit that you can never allow your daughter/sister that you really love to do something like that.

      If they were already in a relationship, i see nothing wrong in her going to pick him but for the first date??? Mba! Ko jo rara!

      My experience was something like this; the guy wanted me to leave Lagos and come to Ibadan and then pass the night in his house (this is a guy that i have never seen before!). He is mobile, he could have driven down to lagos but no, he felt it was okay for him to ask a girl to come down to Ibadan. And then he had the guts to insult me when i refused.

      Considering the fact that you’re a married man, I’m extremely disappointed that you find no faults in the way most Naija men are treating women….smh! Don’t even get me started on the flimsy excuse you gave for cheating men….like really?!
      The fact is most men are babies! Yes! They will keep pushing until you set the boundaries!
      I have been called cold & mean before just because i refuse to grant a male friend access to my apartment.
      If only men would treat women the way they want their daughters/sisters/female cousins to be treated…..if only!!!

    • stella

      October 22, 2015 at 5:05 pm

      And remember they aint in a relationship yet o…he wants something, be a man first..bet she will do more than that if she eventually falls in love with him and they start dating…plus, everyone should be responsible for getting urslf to the mall..ur aint helping the lady, yet you want to squeeze out the little life she has…hmmmmm…i wonder how u sef be o

    • Mizz P

      October 23, 2015 at 4:51 am

      Paulbabalola, yes!!!!! And I say this with every audacity humanly possible. THE MAN SHOULD SACRIFICE!!! Go and ask your Grandparents the way of things. Sit at thier feet for a little bit of wisdom. What is a short period of hard work to win the heart of the woman you may wish to spend your life with, compared to years and years of her devotion to you huh! Cook for u, cleanup after ur mess, care for u, surrender her body for ur pleasure (however, whenever), have and care ur babies, deal with some of ur nasty family and friends, yet still go to work and contribute to the family, deal with ur infidelity (for those men dt hv little or no control of their sexuality like dogs do), support u physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, when the need arises, just to mention a few. Have you been pregnant before. Have u carried a child for 9months and pushed a 3-4.5kg baby out of you ever in ur life? That is jst a tip of the iceberg of the responsibilities of a woman. Your brain needs to be rewired/ reset. Any man that cannot work hard to win a woman is foolish and of a small mind. Just as foolish as a woman who does not require a man to treat her right especially before she gives in. As for the cheats, it’s jst a glaring picture of how weak a man or woman is, the lack of scruples, self control and most importantly, understanding. This generation is full of unashamed lazy men. Una dey crase!!!!!

    • Mizz P

      October 23, 2015 at 5:05 am

      And don’t even get me started about men demanding for sex coz he is wooing/ wining and dinnning a lady. Arrant nonsense for stupid people. Ladies don’t be fooled into believing or falling into that lie. You don’t need to sleep with a guy coz he is doing all that. It is ur right. If he ain’t serious with pursuing a serious relationship with u. Nobody is begging him. Let his sit and home, quit calling u and close his wallet. Jacob worked 7 years for Rachel and he was given Leah. He had to work another 7 years just to get Racheal. And there is no record in d bible he saw her pant before she was given to him. That is for 14 good years. Nobody is asking any man to do that yet they are complaining. Lazy ass niggers! Don’t be deceived by the trends in this time and sell ur selves short. Stop having sex with men who have not proved that they are indeed men by doing making an honest woman out of u. All theses lies and lies in this generation. And our children are born into such lies and believe them, making the wrong choices.

  8. always happy

    October 21, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    Ada Nnewi “chop knuckle” i like your phrase ” have behavioural standards ” once you are unable to understand or accept her behavorial craze, please keep it moving aint nobody got time for ishh.

  9. Kayode

    October 21, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    It is crazy what you hear these days. Sick dude asking for help on day 1.. LMBO

    But come to think of it babes, You just don’t conclude quickly on everything…

    “F-boys/F-men” come off Smooth atimes… Borrow friend’s cars, lend stuff just to get some cookies and leave you miserable. Don’t be too quick to wave off guys who “don’t meet your behavioural standards early”.. Some have a good motive and intention..

    You need to chill and don’t conclude too early.

    BUT THAT DUDE IS A LAZY, UNTAUGHT FELLOW SHA.

    • Nahum

      October 21, 2015 at 9:08 pm

      He could have taken a taxi to the venue. That is what a responsible man would do. This guy was just lazy.

    • Tosin

      October 22, 2015 at 6:37 am

      1. that’s also true. but if na toasting sha, i gatta be stricter. friends get the generousity, but a “stranger” trying to toast already sending me message up and down, my silence will tell him that he is not serious at all. usually he will then make a move to renegotiate. it’s not personal, it’s just common sense.

      2. fakery will not scatta our people’s lives. see as everybody is forming he can take a taxi, take a taxi. please, how many people can afford a taxi across Lagos to meet an unserious babe? how many babes can afford taxi up and down? is it not bus from Ajah to CMS/Obalende/Oshodi and so on and so forth? Just have your strategy so that you don’t arrive smelling like you’ve been in the sun e.g. stop somewhere to clean up the armpits, spray something nice… please, back to reality. All of una be den watch too much Kardashian.

  10. bruno

    October 21, 2015 at 7:09 pm

    what a hateful nasty dumb article to begin with. written by an angry dumb person. let’s turn the tables around. if it was a girl persuading a man to come and pick her up, would any body bat a lash?

    so what it wrong with the girl going to pick the guy up, or paying for the movie, or paying for future dates, or paying for schools fees of the kids when they get married or paying the rent etc.

    I’m sure the writer thinks of herself as a fierce feminist but u madam, u are beyond misogynistic and dumb, u sound very dumb, I swear. u are a hateful person and u reek of hatred and malice for the male gender. who broke ur heart? a man must have used u thats why u are beyond angry and bitter?

    many of u angry single bitter nigerian women dont know what feminism is. bashing men is not feminism

    this article is so misogynistic and doesnt even make any sense. this article actually degrades women. an epic fail at feminism thats what this article is.

    • brown-ice

      October 21, 2015 at 8:05 pm

      Yes Bruno, we noticed that the word ‘misogynistic’ was just added to your vocabulary. Clap for yourself!!!!

    • Evly

      October 21, 2015 at 11:04 pm

      Loooool… Go on girl. U told him. He seems to be projecting his anger and bitterness unto the writer though.

    • Asa!

      October 21, 2015 at 11:23 pm

      Dear Bruno, it was a first date. Emphasis on FIRST. And he was the one who asked her out. Use your head, man. You don’t have to go off in a rant all the time.

    • Courtney

      October 22, 2015 at 12:30 am

      Take a chill pill guy it’s never that serious but if you are a guy i seriously admire the woman that will put up with you or is putting up with you she must be very ‘un-misogynistic’. Goodluck to you.

    • Uche

      October 22, 2015 at 5:22 am

      I’m sure you meant misandarist

    • Mizz P

      October 23, 2015 at 4:30 am

      Mr, Ms or Mrs Bruno. I feel so sorry for your kind. The kind that does not understand the subject, yet the they know not that the don’t understand it. Chai! Ndo!! I thank God such pole are not represented in my circle of friends. That is the worst kind of ignorance.

  11. Tosin

    October 21, 2015 at 7:11 pm

    this is the truth.

  12. temi

    October 21, 2015 at 7:13 pm

    My husband is so not romantic. Can’t remember d last time we went on a date. We ve been married for 6 years n all I get on an aniversary is a hug n maybe *a dry gift
    *sad face*
    All dese naija guys sef!
    A friend took me out on a lunch date recently n I was so excited
    It’s well o jare

    • Flemzy

      October 21, 2015 at 9:29 pm

      Why not take him out on a date? He may enjoy it so much, that may make him arrange a next one.

    • bruno

      October 21, 2015 at 9:45 pm

      @temi.
      u urself are u romantic. why are u waiting for ur husband to make romantic gestures. if u want to go out on a date, then make plans.

      if u are tired of getting a hug on ur anniversary, then plan something big on ur anniversary.

      nigerian men are not romantic, are nigerian women romantic? NO

    • Courtney

      October 22, 2015 at 12:34 am

      So much hate, who broke your heart

  13. me

    October 21, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    This article has nothing to do with men bashing. The message is simple; dear man, make an effort. Woo your woman. Court her. No one is saying you can’t split the bill on subsequent dates. At least on the first date, try and not fall hand. Dasall

    • Magz

      October 22, 2015 at 9:55 am

      THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s like you typed what was in my heart! Damn it!
      Men need to make efforts! I see absolutely nothing wrong in giving treats to my man but i must see efforts from him!
      Till my father died, my mother made it compulsory to buy “Christmas Cloth” for him every year, not because he couldn’t buy it himself but because she wanted to! He would proudly tell people that they should come and see what his wife bought for him. It was small compared to what my Dad was doing for her but he saw it as a big deal and that even made him to make more efforts.

      I can’t deal with people who misunderstand things easily! I just can’t!

    • betty

      October 26, 2015 at 12:38 pm

      Girlll I totally agree with you and I can damn well relate, my fiancée is currently acting up after I found chats of him flirting with a girl in his mail (this is not the first time we are having such fights) he hasn’t said a word to me since then. its obvious I have babyed him too much and im done with that!!!!!

  14. Paul Babalola

    October 21, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    Am married to a Nigerian, there are things I cherish in a white woman. A white lady will pick that guy up no matter the inconvenience, a white lady will take the risk of evaluating the qualities of this guy beyond a wordly material of a car. Nigeria women are so self centred, am not surprised while Naija guys have their entitlement mentality. Feminism is not even done the way Naija women dey carry am for head. I just see bitter, frustrated and unmarriageable women in this country.

    • Nahum

      October 21, 2015 at 9:14 pm

      You sound very bitter and frustrated. Trust me. This article must have struck a nerve. Lazy are we?

    • MEE

      October 21, 2015 at 11:33 pm

      Hehe…you sound like an old man and please where did you get your stats from biko?? From your dating life?? Really, a white lady will look beyond the material…which world are you from please? From what I’ve noticed they are the ones who take this romantic thing personal…u have to pick them up. Self centeredness is a common trait in human nature, male or female and regardless of race.

    • USE YOUR HEAD!!!

      October 22, 2015 at 7:23 am

      I’m sorry but how does she evaluate qualities of someone she hasn’t met??? Dear Men, if the situation is the other way round do as the lady in the article did if you so deem fit. You people make noise as if the materialistic girl tied a rope around your neck. If she’s too materialistic for your liking leave, if she expects you to keep picking her up even when you can’t and makes a fuss, leave! I like to believe I’m a feminist but I don’t expect men to do certain things. I work hard and make my money and thinking of starting a side business because I never expect material things from men. However, I expect a man to be a man in relationship and give good first impressions. You need to use your head in relationships especially in Nigeria. Why do you think women from other African countries dislike Nigerian men? A lady I know that earns a meagre salary of 40k housed a Nigerian man for months, spent all her life savings on him, she got pregnant and immediately she told him, dude disappeared before she got back from work, sent her messages that she should get rid of it cos he doesn’t care, rained curses and abuses on her. This guy is an MSc holder from jand. This is no Nollywood o, this happened in Lagos this month. This is not a man bashing article but a USE YOUR HEAD IN LOVE MATTERS article.

    • Blackbeauty

      October 22, 2015 at 11:44 am

      Really, Paul, really??? Me thinks you’re missing the entire point of the article. The fact is for most Nigerian men, chivalry is lost. It’s the first date for crying out loud! You asked her out, YOU have to do whatever it takes to impress her, make her feel special if your intentions are honourable. It is just the way it is. Ain’t nobody talking about feminism here or a sense of entitlement. The man is supposed to woo the woman, period. Subsequently, if you guys have decided to go on seeing each other, trust me, she will come to pick you up, share the bills etc. when le hubs and I started dating, he would be at my house 5 minutes before scheduled time, open the door for me to get in the car and drop me at my father’s gate.
      Love is considerate- why would you want someone to drive all the way to Ajah to pick you up just to go back to Lekki mall. Wouldn’t it be easier to meet her there? Haba! Fear God now!!!

  15. lacey

    October 21, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    Men! Hmmm! You are not even driving or taking a cab! A woman should come and pick you up on the first date,so you will end up telling her to pay for the food and meal that your wallet fell out of your pocket as you were climbing down the stairs to rush to meet up with her so you will not keep her waiting. Then more stories! My dear Isaac sent someone with enough dough to find Rebecca! And Jacob found Rachel! Good girl! He should look for another victim.

  16. shhhhhh

    October 21, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    OGA PAUL PARK WEL!!! if d guy cannot have enough respect for me as to make proper transportation arrangements for himself on the first date…SORRY for him…its d first date for christ sake he should have some dignity…

  17. Paul Babalola

    October 21, 2015 at 8:23 pm

    Lol, I don park well o. If the guy comes to pick the girl and as usual still makes her life miserable. Your mindset should go beyond on a first date, the guy must do all. Such mentality is shallow and only proves you cannot hold your own. When you give a man such priveledge that he must do everything in your life, you loose utmost respect of that man. Naija women, am not surprised, 85% of you don’t say anything good about Nigerian men because you are bunch of parasites on their lives

    • Cindy

      October 21, 2015 at 9:14 pm

      Paul don’t cry ehn. It is well with your soul.

      Nigerians forever missing the point. Same with the other article about respect. You people should stop looking for flaws in articles unnecessarily and try to get the message first. That said, this has nothing to do with feminism so you all need to pack well. I was watching Natgeo Wild the other day and you should see the funny things male animals do to woo their female counterparts (in fact there was one that was pissing and removing saliva to attract female companions). The least you can do is to try harder than an animal. Like I always say, this thing is not exclusive it is just common sense. If you are the one asking me out, please try and impress me at least. The lady in the story clearly had her car so it is not like she is hungry. She just wanted to see the guy make an effort. At least she didn’t ask him to come to her house to pick her up. Meet at the mall, shikena. You men will tell us that no matter how much finances we bring to the table we must fuflfil our wifey roles. Same goes to you too. Play your part as men too. You all were shouting culture in the other article right? Well it is our culture for men to go out of their way to impress their women. Full stop. You can’t eat your cake and have it.

    • bruno

      October 21, 2015 at 9:31 pm

      ” I was watching Natgeo Wild the
      other day and you should see the funny
      things male animals do to woo their female
      counterparts (in fact there was one that
      was pissing and removing saliva to attract
      female companions).”

      WOW. I knew u were foolosh but I didnt know u were this foolish. u are brain dead I swear

    • Nahum

      October 21, 2015 at 9:21 pm

      Abeg shut up!! What do you know about our women. Naija women are extremely hard working, very forgiving and very optimistic. Our culture and society kills the spirit of our women. When our women are allowed to soar, we achieve great things. Now as for you, how sad that the only women you have come across have been parasites. That does not speak well of your character if the only women you are able to catch are parasites. Before you bash our women, stand back and asses your self. You might just fall into the lazy/philandering/lying Naija man category.

  18. Ije

    October 21, 2015 at 8:32 pm

    This could have gone either way. She could have picked him up and they would have had a happily-ever-after situation in the future, OR, they never speak again (which I think the latter is the case).
    What I have learned in my adult/dating life is that whatever you do (or don’t do) at the beginning of a relationship sets precedence for the rest of the relationship. Some may beg to differ, but men need to reclaim their positions as men! Personally speaking, my respect factor will drop a couple of notches if a guy suggested AND insisted that I pick him up for a date. Umm, how was he supposed to go back home after the date? She was supposed to drop him off? If you’re grown enough to ask a lady out, then be grown enough to make sure she’s comfortable when she’s in your presence. Now if they were already in a committed relationship, I’m sure there would have been ways to circumvent the situation. He didn’t even have money for a cab? Umm, no. Just no.

    • Alem

      October 22, 2015 at 9:28 am

      ‘whatever you do (or don’t do) at the beginning of a relationship sets precedence for the rest of the relationship’ This captures the whole scenario my dear. From picking him up for a date it will turn to dropping him at office, friends house, paying for dates, him even borrowing money from you etc. But guess what, its not just in courtship but also in friendly relationships. If you are too willing to go out of your way for friends more often than not you will be taken advantage of except in few cases when you have ‘good friends’ who will reciprocate your efforts.

    • seyiakano

      October 25, 2015 at 11:05 am

      Well said. Precedence a clearly important factor. Sacrifice, commitment and planning, essential ingredients. Simple!

  19. Honey molasses

    October 21, 2015 at 8:44 pm

    Wow! Mr Paul your wife must be making life miserable for you very well which is while u’re so full of anger! Jeez relax dude! Since u’re off comparing the nigerian lady with a white one kukuma marry one make you rest!

  20. Nech

    October 21, 2015 at 8:45 pm

    Mr Paul,we hv heard u,tnx…ur brain is effed up sha…it’s ur type dats usually so stingy.

  21. dips

    October 21, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    LOL. I am a man, and i know that when a man wants to be with a woman…..he usually goes after her, no matter the effort or efforts required. Of course, that can change AFTER he has gotten the woman, but not before.
    If a guy asks for a date and he is not willing to make it happen no matter what, then he is no serious guy. The date does not have to be expensive, but he needs to put in some effort to make it happen.
    After the girl don gree……then it is allowed to take some things for granted and that’s because he would have been a good guy in the past and the ladey would be willing to overlook a few things…….

    • memebaby

      October 22, 2015 at 5:26 am

      chop kiss!!

    • Tosin

      October 22, 2015 at 6:40 am

      heggsally!

    • precious ibik

      October 22, 2015 at 8:15 am

      One million likes. At least make an effort. The so called whites they give as an example tell their men especially on the first date “I will be ready by 7 or the guy will be like I will pick u up by 7. Men make an effort at least on the first date till she gree. Woo your woman. Just like one guy recently told me and he is paul’s namesake, I am a trophy you should chase after. The last time I checked, am the trophy. Hello? I dumped his proud ass real quick.

    • larz

      October 22, 2015 at 9:16 am

      The first time I was impressed by a date was when we went to Greenwich Park and ended up with Chinese food. Why? I told him I had never gone to Greenwich Park before or my last Indian food experience was disastrous so he took me to an authentic Indian restaurant. Why was it my best? Best he listened and because I experienced something new that day. At the time, it was one of my cheapest date.

      The prb wasn’t that the guy asked her to come pick him up but that he insisted and threw a tantrum when she explained that she couldn’t. I have seen MEN and women run thru several hoops for people they are genuinely interested in.

    • Magz

      October 22, 2015 at 10:00 am

      See? Shebi you be man? Make Mr. Paul-i-know-everything-about-women-and-im-too-knowledgeable-im-higher-than-nigerian-women-level Babalola come read o!

      Dips, chop kiss mbok!

    • Somtoo

      October 22, 2015 at 11:26 am

      Chop smooch Dips! This is what i was telling myself this morning. I met this dude and we instantly connected. He called me and we talked fr over an hour and learnt im about 2 years older than him but we talked and it ended great.

      My dear, fastforward 4days and dude hasnt called babe bk. i decided to call him on the evening of the fourth day and dude wasnt sounding excited. After 4mins, i rounded off the call and deleted dudes number. Why did i delete him? Darling, as dips above said, when a man wants you, best believe he will do all he can to get you. I have been stalkd (cyber and physical) by a guy, called morning, noon and night by dudes, hence i know how far a determined man will go to get with a girl. I had one drive 4 hours in ikorodu traffic just to by me lunch.

      So, i will not lower my standards for no man cos i dont ever want to wonder if the dude i end up with genuinely wants to be with me or cos im just a pretty pushover who can drive hours on a first date to pick him up (when he is not crippled).

      By the way whre is Mz Sa ? i am thoroughly enjoying Jane the Virgin. Like addicted to it o its crazy. Even recommending it to everyone.

  22. Aduke

    October 21, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    Bruno, Na wa for u. I’ve been following Bella naija for three years now and I’ve never read a good comment from u. U are too negative and u don’t know how to talk . please its not too late to learn. I wonder wat u will teach ur kids or wat u re teaching dem. Next time u want to comment pls say want u want to comment to ur self listen to it before u publish ur comment. Be positive pls

  23. Call me pretty

    October 21, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    D writer is so right! Wt exactly s Mr Paul all abt? Nigerian women r parasites bcos she has refused to go pick d guy up on a frst date? If u give dese Nigerian guys allow, my darlings dem go takr allowance. Dts hw I got introduced to one here in abj, ds guy cldnt just go out f his way so we cld meet. Its either he realises ooh he’s on my street, so he calls and ask I m passing by nw, are u around? On d frst date, I evn had to go meet cos he was beggin, nt like he was crazy busy or anytin, dey jst want tins on a plattr f gold, no effrts at all. Aftr then, , we were both supposd to meet at a frnd’s wedding in ibadan, e was in lag around dt tym, dts hw brother tlk say hes nt goin fr d weddin agn jare, say instead f goin to ib directly fr d weddin, y dnt I take a flight to lag to c him, n den to ib frm there. I m like really? So abeg wt wld b d effrt dt u v put in on yr own part? So all in d name f meetin someone dts nt evn yrs yet, u lose yr own dignity? Ofcz we ddnt c eventually, rubbish

    • Tosin

      October 22, 2015 at 6:41 am

      like: your allow/allowance hehehe
      no like: haha, you for put effort write something readable nah. (BN no be LIB biko) just kidding.

  24. bisisexy

    October 21, 2015 at 9:12 pm

    D story has twenty two sides, every one is generalising, from d guy taking sides wit cheating Nigerian men, my cousin dat we grew up togeda is. A pretty and very nice biz gal and met a supposedly single guy who she later found out has four kids, I have lived in deir hs partly, d guy no get job,no go schl,dey live vip life tanks to my cousin hard work,i told her dat my friend said she heard d guy married her for doe,meanwhile every mid night d guy will tell my cousin to pray for him wearing white and say after him ‘ore mi Ki owa si aiye. Oko mi or he will say she shld clean her head wit money and give him,to use and give his oluso, after choosing my very endowed cousin,he dates babe’s every where, do dont say Nigerian men cheat bcos deir wives dont love dem,the person am talking abt lives in London, I live dere partly,am tired of men saying white chicks are like dis, I tank God I have lived abroad, white gals don’t believe in God or love now?i believed in love before life and experience tot me, I have a part two contribution to d tread.

  25. kristin

    October 21, 2015 at 9:23 pm

    Misogyny is the hatred and/or dislike for women. Abeg Bruno, how is the article misogynistic. People wee just be using grammar anyhow

  26. bruno

    October 21, 2015 at 9:40 pm

    @paul

    u comment is so intelligent and brings up alot of conversation on so many topics. off cause they will not agree with ur views, how many people actually have sense in nigeria.

    • Vicki

      October 21, 2015 at 11:12 pm

      Really Bruno??? people dont have sense in Nigeria??? Trust me, at the moment, you definitely including yourself in that category…….also learn to use the right word that goes with the topic….Thank you very much

    • chee

      October 22, 2015 at 8:17 am

      * course*. Get your spellings right before you spew rubbishh

    • dee

      October 22, 2015 at 9:08 am

      Pls aunty Bruno. Take several seats, ur painment no be here. U bash Nigeria n Nigerians as if u r not a Nigerian and reside in nigeria. U don’t even know the meaning of ‘misogynist’ as related to the article but wanted to make us feel u know English. Biko nwanne, take the chillest pill ever.

  27. Bcga

    October 21, 2015 at 9:58 pm

    He’s just not into her. Period

  28. Cindy

    October 21, 2015 at 10:27 pm

    @bruno I only recapped a documentary I saw less than a week ago. I was only pointing how far even male animals will go to attract their females. I’m not asking men to go around pissing/urinating or salivating. Why you would call e foolish for that is what I don’t get.
    Bruno please you are gay. When intelligent people are talking about relationships between a MAN and a WOMAN, kindly keep mute. No one called you to the discussion.

    • Ada Nnewi

      October 21, 2015 at 10:33 pm

      Don’t waste time on bruno…critical reasoning is his weak point…

  29. Chi

    October 21, 2015 at 10:30 pm

    I love this article! That guy was asking for too much. I don’t give a damn if he’s testing me or not! It’s just too much to request for on d first date.

  30. Vicki

    October 21, 2015 at 11:09 pm

    [email protected] Paul and Bruno. You guys really must be an example of the types of guys that is being talked about. I mean seriously, when is Feminism an excuse to be lazy???? Abeg go sit down and accept that there needs to be some change. I mean before technology, guys do take the time and effort to court the lady. If it’s of any inconvenience, re-schedule or make way to meet half-way, dont just expect the lady to do all the work.
    Tell me where it says in the “Feminism” philosophy that a woman shouldn’t be courted???? I mean you asked her out…..also even if she asked you, does that give you lee-way to be lazy??? and before both of you decide to bash me, one of the reasons of “First Date” is that we impress each other and asking a lady to pick you up, is not the first way to do it. I mean imagine, on your first date, girl arrives at the location and dresses like she going to lounge in her place (not dressed for the occasion)….wouldnt you judge her on that???
    Anyways, it’s not you I blame, it’s what culture and society has made acceptable……that you are needed more than you are actually worth……Like I say to myself and to everyone I meet…I will treat you, the way you treat me….so if you want to be lazy and not make real effort, you basically you telling me I am not worth it and since I know my worth, I will gently remove myself for the equation.
    And people wonder why I don’t Nigerian men anymore…..who got time for rubbish? Take it or leave it,…….”Men need Women more than it is being said, cos your physical use can be created with the use of technology and science”…..and that is “Feminism talk” right there…..take that Bruno and Paul.!!!!

  31. Aisoni

    October 21, 2015 at 11:17 pm

    Dear Author, Are u passing an experience. I know the need for ladies to bull up. Why won’t ladies stop be judgemental in thoughts and flow a tiny bit. Some men actually respect ladies. What if this guy was one. Stop be a Psyhic investigator bringing out puzzles. These Men are your dads,brothers,cousins. Ladies learn to RELAX and act like a Man. Put yourselves in Men shoes and see how it fits

  32. Never try it

    October 22, 2015 at 1:49 am

    If there is one thing i have learnt in this my adult life is to never overcompensate for a guy.men enjoy the chase thrill once that is taken away they get bored.i can remember one first date experience were i decided to lower my standard and go see the guy at his own location.guess what!when i got there he said something came up so i had to leave immediately.i came all the way from yaba to songo ota to see this asshole oh.when i was discharged he didn’t even pay the bike man.i felt so bad and promised myself nothing on earth would ever make me go visit a guy again.you want to see me come to my location .

    • Tosin

      October 22, 2015 at 6:49 am

      come to think of it, it was my dad who taught me this move. i was like 14, maybe 15, and in love with my lovely blakkie. my papa now laid down the law about you can go out but not to visit no boy. so i cheated and phoned him like a million times loool.
      funny enough, over the years, stubborn head has not let us see each other, from eko to ‘all d abroad’ and back, lol. but he has been a great great friend, support, everything. God bless my friend, Amen.

    • Adieu Biafra

      October 22, 2015 at 9:34 am

      All the way from Yaba to Sango-Ota….”Woman Thou Art Loosed” in TD Jake’s voice and your reward is in heaven.

    • ATL's finest

      October 23, 2015 at 12:41 am

      Hahjahahahaha lmao! Ur *faints*.. Ok the traffic alone self. A Duse once said to me oh u want me to burn airtime to call U abi? Ermm really yo broke as is dead & over with BS!!! I kept that Ball rolling. That conversation/communication was over.. Some don’t ve shame at all.

  33. ifeanyi

    October 22, 2015 at 7:35 am

    I have no time for Gender Roles and Expectations!

    You claim to be a Feminist…You clearly do not know what it entails.

    I am a Feminist…anyone that believes in equal rights and responsibilities for both men and women…and that is jut how it should be

    Most of you are still culturally bound by Culture on one Hand and Religion on the Other. Culture and Religion dictates to you what a Man is, What His Roles are…What a Woman is, What are roles are…What our expectation for a man and a woman should be in a relationship…

    And yet you claim to be a feminist! You are confused! #Serious

    • Courtney

      October 22, 2015 at 8:37 am

      So your point is?

    • nwanyi na aga aga

      October 22, 2015 at 9:57 am

      So lets say Feminism is in play here, equality would have been meeting up at the date venue not going out of her way to pick him up. People bash feminism and yet they dont know what it entails..

  34. Tolu

    October 22, 2015 at 10:00 am

    I better not say anything to avoid being mobbed…..you na well done

  35. Winnie

    October 22, 2015 at 10:29 am

    Bruno can just like to yarn dust every time. Make sense for once.

  36. Priscy

    October 22, 2015 at 10:50 am

    I know of a lady that went to pick up a guy she met just once on the road.
    She met him when she was driving and he stopped her to check her particulars. He is a police officer
    They exchanged numbers and started chatting
    Three weeks later, he asked her out, begged her to pick him up and she agreed
    She got to the house that fateful day, knocked, he asked her to come in so he can quickly put on his shirt
    As soon as she sat down in the sitting room, dude locked the door and raped her (she begged and cried, it fell on deaf ears)
    Raped her and quietly slipped N1500 inside her handbag
    It was when she got home that she saw the money, she quietly sent him mtn 1500 recharge

    Abeg, no picking up any dude on a first date….who knows what will happen next

  37. beauty

    October 22, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Truth be told, Nigerian men are opportunists I swear! Imagine on the very first bladdy date!!! Some guys are cynical! If I was the girl, I would even block his number from ever reaching me through true caller…

  38. sharon

    October 22, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    So let me tell you guys my own story, went out to the club and met this guy who recognized me from social media. He got my number and all. Found out his cousin is my friend from way back, so I felt a little bit assured that he might have some sense. We talked on the phone briefly. I invited him to a party the following weekend, he just moved into town so I thought it would be nice for me to show him around. So he came to pick me up and we headed down to my friend’s party. First thing when we got in,while I was still trying to locate the host of the party, this nigga headed straight to the food. I had to caution him cos I was like ” lets meet the host first ” . I don’t know if I am extra, but that was a turn off for me. Then we began to party this nigga just kept snap chatting o, I was like in head ” can this nigga just drop this phone and have a good time”. Party finished, I felt bad that he had to drop me off and drive another 90 mins back at midnight to go home, so I told him he could stay over since he has been driving a lot earlier( this is me being extra considerate). He stayed over ( Nothing happened before you judges come upon me like Satan).The following week was my birthday so he said he was going to take me out for dinner ( usually don’t make noise about my birthday), I said ok cool! The dinner day came now and this nigga sent me a message two hours before the date that he wasn’t feeling too well and shit. First thing, I think he thought I would choose apple bees or Burger king for dinner. I chose an upscale restaurant ( I don’t even need to explain why I did that, it is very obvious)……he apologized and said he was going to make up for it, he then planned for another day and still didn’t make it. At this point, I was already able to tell the kind of guy I am dealing with. So right now I am totally turned off and disgusted, cos the guy is good looking but just that mannerism…….he lacks it. For me, looks could get me for a bit but attitude is everything. He has asked for a 3rd chance, in between considering this, I sent a picture of my lunch ( Egusi and pounded yam). He said he was coming to get some, I said coming where? If you don’t fall back. You did not show up for 2 dates you planned and you think you can come get Egusi soup, nigga you must have lost your mind . If you are reading this, it is too late. I mean I am just sick of guys like this, not even trying to put in any work at all. The guy is Nigerian but I think the fact that he was brought up here in the states, he might not be knowing. Akatarized thing ……I can’t even deal.

    • Edu

      October 22, 2015 at 3:54 pm

      girl! u need to chill.. that nigga seems like a fun guy. give him some time. seems u got extra high standards

    • Tosin

      October 22, 2015 at 5:14 pm

      if this is anywhere outside Nigeria, then the guy is an idiot, delete delete.
      but i hate to say this, a lot of poor manners in Nigeria, so if you like him and this is a Naija guy IN Naija, make shakara, def no egusi or any other free food, but if you like him, let him take you out or meet up somewhere neutral. tell him what you don’t like. my Naija guys are all about getting something for nothing. it’s only God that will help them.

  39. Yemisi

    October 22, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Guess this Burno dude is deficient in a lot of things, you really should not be talking when human beings are having proper conversation.

  40. facebook.com/JohnspeaksUwangue

    October 22, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    Nice write up though. But over kindness especially to a guy can be taken for granted. I am a guy and i understand how we guys think. Wisdom is all that’s needed.

  41. noname

    October 23, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    A friend of mine gave my digit to a friend of hers, the guy never called, just kept leaving me messages on WhatsAPP but got no response from me, finally he decides to call and all he wanted was for me to come and visit him in another state so we can can get to know each other well. Didn’t say anything to that, just went to WhatASSP and left him a message too. PARK WELL / / . then i blocked him.

  42. Weather

    October 23, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    As in ehn, I think this article is a wake up call for men. You letting a woman
    “baby you” much is a sign of weakness on your part. Will you man up already!

  43. ona

    November 12, 2015 at 11:14 am

    Unless you are a family member or a very good friend of mine i am not going to pick you anywhere or drop you of … point blank period

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