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The Love Lint: Cheating Even When You’re Happy In Your Relationship

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The first thing that comes to mind, when someone cheats is that their relationship is rocky. That must be the reason behind their cheating, surely. They must have been looking for the happiness, or whatever that’s lacking in their relationship, you know, the missing pepper and salt, hence they cheatation (as Wendy Williams would say)! But I’m sure we all know that’s not true in all cases. In fact, in most cases, it is so far-away from the truth.
That is why you will find a man, wanting to kill himself over another man’s wife – while watching with an eagle eye, every innocent move his own wife makes. He would not have minded going to extreme lengths for the sake of the other woman…or women. He would not even mind putting this woman in trouble in her matrimonial home, as long as he gets to talk to her, and as long as she does his bidding…but if a man so much as wink at his wife in a mall, or on the street, he is apoplectic with rage.

At home, that same man, who was chasing anything in a skirt, would become the epitome of good husband material. In fact, you would not believe that this man has a mistress somewhere –  sometimes a married woman for that matter.

Single sisters would even be using him as prayer point “Lord, give me a husband like Mrs A’s.” If only they knew! He is all lovey-dovey with his wife, calling her by her pet name, constantly sneaking kisses, and spoiling her with love and attention.

But outside the four walls of his house, he is a very active hunter. In some cases, the wife is even aware of his philandering, but chooses to turn a blind eye. Sometimes, it could be because she is just plain tired of complaining; sometimes, she is content with the love he gives her and has come to accept the fact that her husband will always have a spare tire outside. But in a lot of other instances, when the cheating is revealed, all hell literally lets loose, because people in happy relationships caught cheating often have more to lose than those who already have issues in their relationship.

That’s why you will find that there are different types of couples; the ones who are truly married and are enjoying their marriage (but let no one lie to you, even a very happy relationship has its own challenges), and the couples whose issues and challenges have become the mainstay of their marriage (think domestic violence, emotional abuse, financial dishonesty, co-habitation, supposedly ‘open’ relationships…pretty much all shades of abnormality).
The abnormal relationships asides, why do people in happy relationships cheat? Or rather, make that why do ‘good’ people in seemingly happy relationships cheat? It’s a loaded question, which we will have to find answers to.

Movies and soaps do not help matters, as they plot their storylines along intriguing stories of men and women involved in extra marital affairs, and obviously enjoying the duplicity, but provide no reasons for the situation. Well, we have tried to come up with some answers of our own!

For one, is the very good bad boy syndrome: Not exactly like the song connotes, but you know the guy who is a good guy, but he gets his high from cheating? Much like a drug addict, who can lose himself in his drugs, a good guy in a happy relationship can sometimes get his high from cheating. He/she sometimes feels the need to take a stroll through the edgier side of life, like bringing some spice to their otherwise predictable lifestyle.

Secondly, a clingy partner in a relationship may be more likely to cheat. While this might sound counterintuitive but it’s so true, as it is usually the needy and clingy person who cheats – once they can summon up some courage.
The danger is, once they start, it can be really hard to stop. Take the case of a new member of our community. She is a beautiful lady, who could have any man she wants. However, she is a very insecure person. Somehow, it was drummed into her head from an early age that men only date fine babes and marry the worwor ones, because they were always going to be afraid of losing a fine wife to another man. Home girl, unfortunately, has accepted that as the gospel truth!

That was how she turned her beauty into a handicap; she was the one that was looking for affairs, encouraging every look in her direction until whoever was her current beau would notice, thus leading to the end of the relationship, which only reinforced her long held belief.
Let’s just say, in the space of five years, she was in over seven relationships, without taking a break. Now, she is at last taking a breather, and trying to let go of that notion, replacing it with the belief that men do, indeed, marry beautiful wives and are faithful to them.

Fear of not being good enough in the bedroom. This is a concern that strikes men, more often than women. If care is not taken, sex within a marriage or committed relationship might turn stale within a twinkle of an eye. It can turn into something that both partners dread. And if there are issues of poor performance, then you can bet your last buck that it is going to a scarce affair, because there would be constant worry about doing it right.
But should either one of the partners start an affair; the excitement of a new affair will push the worry of non-performance to the back of the mind.

Lastly, blame the genes: Yeah! Some people can’t help cheating and it is not because they have been cursed. It is in their genes. Yep, DNA. Their father cheated, their great grandfather cheated, so it is just automatic that they would cheat.
I know, we struggled with this one too…and I mean struggled! We had a heated debate about it, and a lot of us refused to believe that there was any science to this preposterous theory.
Well, colour us shocked when we came across a study by Binghamtom University, which pretty much said a version of a dopamine receptor gene called DRD4 has been linked to people’s tendency toward cheating, and even one-night stands. The motivation is one of pleasure, followed by reward, which is where the dopamine release comes into play. Most members of our team (yours truly inclusive) still struggle with this, and refuse to give this ‘Get out of Jail’ or ‘Don’t blame me, blame my genes’ to our cheating brethren.
Nah! You can’t get out of it so easily!

Bottom line…enjoy your relationship, and hope for the best! Life is beautiful…with the right person.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Rui Vale De Sousa

The Love Lint (www.thelovelint.com) is a relationship support community, and a safe haven for all things about LOVE…the good days, and the not so good. Our forums offer a platform for people to commune with others, share their experiences, seek expert advice, and get the strength required to move on.

30 Comments

  1. Men, Men everyday

    November 24, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    Men this Men that everyday, chei!

    I have lost count of articles on this!
    Women/ladies/girls cheat too, FYI.

    If these men are monsters like you depict them to be, you no go leave them?
    Just leave these men alone, forget about them, forget anything relationship & marriage with them. Just enjoy your life or better still date a fellow lady!

    Ayaf tire of your men this men that!

  2. niyoola

    November 24, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    This kind of behaviour is outright Covetousness and Greed …. aka Ainitelorun.
    You have it good, but you still want some illicit stuff. Mba, science or not ….. it is greed.

    2 cents donated

  3. emmy

    November 24, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    Men are beginning to irritate me so much. i think it’s becoming a problem. i just see them as bad people.
    I feel sorry about it.

  4. onyx

    November 24, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    I’m a man and honestly I am tired of all these articles that end up dishing it out to Nigerian men. An article on cheating and its centered only on male indiscretions. Wetin we do una. Truth hurts but most Nigerian women are hypocrites. They cheat too and a lot. My friemd ( married) is shagging a married woman who is also his ex and dude says the innovations she comes up with for them to be discreet about it will wow even the head of the CIA. I’ve told him to stop cos karma’s a b***h cos someone would shag his wife someday. Apart from that, the nature of my job allows me see things some married women do in this Lagos and boy have i seen a lot, and you begin to wonder when they come on blogs and preach and accuse nigerian men of been serial, unrepentant cheats. They call us dogs but I guess women are just a much smarter breed. Their cover up game is just so much cleverer than that of men.

    • Cindy

      November 24, 2015 at 8:16 pm

      Thank God you said in Lagos. And I’m sorry, did you miss the part where the author mentioned women? All I see is guilty conscience. Stop cheating, we won’t stop calling you out until you stop. And this goes for women too. Oya hang me?

  5. ramat

    November 24, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    I find this article to be uninformed to the point of hilarity. Do better BN.

  6. Chillax

    November 24, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    Okay

  7. Paul Babalola

    November 24, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    Another stupid article from a feminist that is frustrated. 70% of married women cheat in this Lagos Nigeria. Stop these accusation on men, the people they commit adultery with are women, mostly married women because they are unavailable and most likely will take precaution not to get pregnant. I have a cousin that works in a government agency in Abuja, this dude is married with 2 kids, he told me point blank that he has slept with 2 married women in his office complex. I asked him why, he said the women were literarily on his neck, one of them gave reasons that sex with her husband is irritating while the other said the sex was too monotonous. Pls write about cheating married women, you will be shocked with the statistics. Stop all these ur blame game on men, who are they cheating with?

    • Cindy

      November 24, 2015 at 8:11 pm

      Paul Babalola? Na, I’ll pass on this comment?

  8. Jacko wacko

    November 24, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    Women sucks much more than their men, they are just kinda smart. Yo smooth criminals ,they eat & clean mouth. basically NIGERIA WOMEN !!!

  9. meme

    November 24, 2015 at 6:52 pm

    I just lost my relationship cos i cheated on my ex. (He saw my messages with other men). Our relationship was good and happy by all standards yet i cheated. I have always cheated in my past relationships. Infact, I tried to be faithful to be current ex for sometime but i felt trapped and went back to my old ways and it felt good! I still love my ex and i know he still likes me but i cant ask for us to get back together because i cant guarantee that i will not go back to my old habit. I do not cheat cos for financial gains neither am I am nymph, its not really about the sex for me, infact, I dislike sex and use protection if i really have to. I just love the trill of being with someone other than my boyfriend. Each man I have been with gives me something that no other man can give to me: Love, affection and attention. Call me insecure but it is what it is. Of course i dont sleep with all the men i cheat with but i enjoy the whole flirtation and exchange of affections. I keep stringing the men and deny them sex and that keeps them coming harder for me. Surprisingly, I get tired of the men and dump them as soon as i am bored of their attention but I was never tired of being with my ex. He was like a solid rock and had a place in my heart that no one could (or can) replace yet i cant seem to stop myself from enjoying the attention from other men. I have tried to get over him with other men but I cant seem to let anyone in. No one can take his place. In the meanwhile however, I am cheating on the men am cheating with lol.

    • Netizen

      November 24, 2015 at 8:13 pm

      What do you now want us to do? Applaud you? Oya na, keep cheating. Awunfia!

    • Meme

      November 25, 2015 at 12:22 am

      I never asked you to do anything, not even to read my comment so I don’t need your applause or insult. You didn’t have to comment you know. But now that you did and asked, let me answer: nothing. I only relayed my personal experience based on the article. People like you go about spitting insult and miss the message. Oya, Run along now, my message is for people who understand that it’s wrong to cheat but there is just this thing that makes you do it even when you are in a happy relationship.

    • Ode ni e sha

      November 25, 2015 at 4:03 am

      Lol, you’re a highly disturbed sociopath who lacks the ability to be empathetic. Congrats on your PhD in cheating. You’re the type that would marry and the hand of karma would destroy you and you’d be crying foul. You better be careful, this time you lost your boyfriend, next time it might be your children or even worse your life. Some men don’t play. Chale, you don’t know! Then you would carry your cheating ass to castigate Sanusi for properly marrying an adult or berate the Alaafin for celebrating his “unsinful” birthday with his properly wedded wives. Anu ofia. Nigerian women forever playing the victim. I’m a woman and I know that men and women cheat equally. The people that cheat don’t have a problem IMO, it is the ones that take them back and stay with them that are demented and mentally impaired. That my opinion.

    • Dnt Judge

      November 25, 2015 at 11:26 am

      @meme,am just like u,but wen my last rship broke off because of this,i took time off,although I cheated wit my married friend along the way,i dumped him eventually and naw am in a happy place,i make a conscious effort not to flirt and even wen pple try to flirt wit me,i put up a straight face.Am far beta naw,although not ready for anoda rship naw,i still want to get myself to a far beta place dan I am now.You have to calm down,and change ur mindset,bein beautiful does not mean we should spread it around,nooo.Ull be fine but make a conscious effort

    • Tosin

      November 25, 2015 at 7:23 pm

      Try being honest with the next “main dude” you get. except the dishonesty is part of the thrill for you 🙂 You don’t need to promise to be monogamous nah, since you know yourself.
      Good luck.

    • MEE

      November 26, 2015 at 8:48 pm

      @meme, Babe, think you might need psychotherapy. Either that, or deliverance.

  10. Atebodi Mosi Aisoni

    November 24, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    am a man but not happy about this article is just so biased . Where do keep guys who are seriously minded and true lover. This outpouring towards men here so damn hard. sorry if someone broke your heart but remember these men are ur brothers,father and cousins. If u ladies are tried about us please you could leave earth and go to the moon. Love lint u went hard. This a Single story. sorry for the heart break.

  11. lpojj

    November 24, 2015 at 7:55 pm

    @meme your one of those women who chop and clean mouth, lol. anyways i hope you do better and learn from this mistake!

  12. Cindy

    November 24, 2015 at 8:11 pm

    Paul Babalola? Na, I’ll pass on this comment?

  13. Tolu

    November 24, 2015 at 9:43 pm

    Maybe I will get to know ladies can be faithful and not cheat when I’m married. For now I will tell you they are the best at cheating and at training guys to become a cheat too.?

  14. bbb

    November 24, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    just know that aids and other std’s are real…herpes can be gotten from kissing…hpv, chlamydia and others in between…

  15. Gigi

    November 24, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    Not all men cheat but a good portion of them do esp the married ones. I can’t count on my fingers and toes how many married men have asked me out even knowing that I know they are married. The one that baffled me the most was this guy who puts up his wife and kids pic on bbm frequently. It’s always I love my wife & kids steady as his personal message so I assume he’s happy in his marriage. But then the chase started and I was shocked! I mean if you are happy in your marriage why the hell are you cheating on your wife?!

    Men are a bunch of confused creatures I’m sure we ladies will never really understand.

  16. OJ

    November 25, 2015 at 12:14 am

    Ladies just love playing the innocent card as if they dont cheat as well….infact they have redefined and taken cheating to another level. if u want to cheat, it means u have some kind of emotional attachment with the guy already, so why not leave ur current guy for good and go bang the other guy? they know how to bang two different guys at the same time without the guys even knowing

  17. ElessarisEllendil

    November 25, 2015 at 1:13 am

    Oya Cindy go and get busy gain.

  18. ElessarisEllendil

    November 25, 2015 at 1:25 am

    its been a while since I’ve seen “apoplectic”. Bravo OP.

    Ahem, this is awkward.

    *Robes Self In Religious Fervour*

    This is why ultimately committing to religion makes us better people. In my opinion being devout is less about dogma and fanatic belief than it is about embracing selflessness, literally submitting yourself to a higher authority. Religion with all its time consuming side activities outside of Mass/Service i.e the Prayer meetings, Catechism classes e.t.c are meant to reduce the time around temptations and increase our self discipline.

    Without service to a higher purpose all we’re left is service to our self and we’re all Selfish, our selfishness then proceeds to ruin everything else. My solution, be religious…………………….or you know you could play too much video games and cultivate a closeted lifestyle, but with odds are you’ll find more damaging habits.

    Well, religious duty for day’s done and dusted.

    *Tosses Robe aside*?

  19. Tosin

    November 25, 2015 at 7:19 pm

    I don’t even like the word cheating – it’s loaded, it’s judgemental, and I think using such words may keep us from examining or understanding our actual situations and experiences.

    Can we throw the word away please?

    Instead start saying more precisely what we’re groaning about? e.g.
    I pay all the bills and my spouse is not pulling his/her weight.
    or I noticed my spouse has too many “friends” and I hate that.
    or my spouse’s ex was in our bed again.
    or i married a full-time philanderer and i never esperred it.
    or i’m seeing someone exclusively who seems to be seeing more than one person and i think that’s unfair.
    or whatever your truth is, speak it, please. but stop parroting the cheating word like some undereducated foreign folks do.

    • Lem

      November 26, 2015 at 8:59 am

      I laughed so hard at your comment that tears are coming out of my eyes!

  20. BRUHHH

    November 25, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    ASINN!!!!!!! WOMEN CHEAT TOO, WE ALL NEED TO CHIL ON SCRUTINISING MEN DAY IN DAY OUT LOL. YOU’LL RUIN HARMLESS GREAT RELATIONSHIPS.

  21. fabalpha

    December 17, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Hello,
    She don’t need a Perfect one, She just need someone who can make her feel like ‘she is the only one’.

    Girls are really confusing. And to figure out if they really are following for you, these signs are all the way more confusing. It is not too difficult to notice about signs of love from a girl. They are very secretive and it is pretty much hidden. But once you come to know about her signs, it will very easy for you to notice if she has fallen for you or not. The really confusing thing is that the signs that they are like her basic habits. The only thing you need to notice the timing.Maintain long relationship is so hard work.
    Thank you

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