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Let’s Talk About it!: You Asked Him to Lend You Money But You Feel Some Type of Way About Paying Back

Atoke

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Money lending between friends can sometimes be tricky. {I wrote about it here} It becomes even trickier when it’s between two people with an amorous relationship. It shouldn’t… but it does. This is because somehow, in our subconscious, we have this idea of gender roles and money is a key element in certain people’s expectations of gender roles.

For instance, a man is ‘supposed’ to have more more money than a woman – to show that he can take care of his woman. That’s a subject that calls for thorough dissection, but we’ll leave that for another.

So, today, let’s talk about the dynamics of when a lady asks a man who takes her on a date for a quick loan.

The scenario below was shared on Gbemi Olateru-Olagbegi’s Instagram page a while ago.

From the responses posted in the comments section, it appeared the elements of a lender and borrower status when there’s a hint of a romantic relationship – real or imagined.
Majority of the respondents said that the guy was stingy and he was the sort of person that a woman should run away from.

However, I think that while women are in the forefront of fighting for gender equality and progress for the Nigerian woman, we take at least 10 steps back by insisting that certain regressive thought patterns are the norm – and should be propagated as such.

In one voice, we want to be recognised as strong, independent women; with another voice, we’re saying that a man who accepts money we borrowed, is stingy and should be avoided.

I strongly believe that honour is a very important virtue and it goes beyond just paying lip service. Be a woman of your word. You ask for a loan, please plan to return it.

You don’t go to the bank, ask for a loan, then get mad that the bank is fine with accepting the returned money.

Relationships being measured and quantified in financial terms is a major reason why people go into wrong partnerships. Unless you believe your time, and affection has a monetary value; then that’s another kettle of fish entirely.

But, that’s what I think…

Let’s talk about it.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore.Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

28 Comments

  1. Ada

    February 29, 2016 at 5:13 pm

    He borrows, he pays back and all is well with the world. He never says “dash me”. I don’t borrow from him so there is never anything to pay back. If I need it that badly, I say “dash me”!

  2. Never again

    February 29, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    Can never (dont let me say never sha) lend a girl money again. If i have some to dash, i can but to loan? never.

    Many instances but this one was the height. This girl be acting like she’s going to die if i don’t loan her the money. As you know, stories that touch will always come up, to be returned at so so date. In fact, said i should please collect from someone so she can have it….except she will talk about it tomorrow.

    As a guy that i be, i haven’t and will never ask for it but that’s the final. Many of them like that so when we read BN girls acting up with the feminist “gragrantum”, we just smile!

  3. lotus flower

    February 29, 2016 at 5:31 pm

    You opened your mouth to say that you will pay it back, so, you better pay it back. Why should a man overlook or turn down the payment. It was a loan. If he wants to collect it, he should. If he decides to decline your offer to pay back the money then that is his right. The lady in this situation has no right to tell him how he should act.

  4. OneChanceWife

    February 29, 2016 at 6:00 pm

    it will only get worse, if it bothers you now then dump him ASAP, finances are very important in marriage, I learnt the hard way.

  5. Beht why

    February 29, 2016 at 6:04 pm

    Please I beg you, leave while you can. If there’s anything, I was in the same boat as you are right now and when I eventually asked the guy for the money, he said “aren’t you working?”. Oh, and he didn’t change. He even started scamming people to keep up with his big boy lifestyle but I digress. He sha won’t change.

  6. Big Tee

    February 29, 2016 at 6:08 pm

    Women and their double standards, the guy’s money and his birthday is “our own” but the lady’s own belongs to her alone. when they borrow money from you – “they are only spending their money with you”…I tire.

  7. Sammie

    February 29, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    Who reasons like this?

  8. Honeycrown

    February 29, 2016 at 6:16 pm

    No, it doesn’t make him cheap or stingy. I would return the money even before the next date. I hate to borrow money & it makes me feel uncomfortable. I only borrow money from my mom and she knows that for me to ask, it must be an emergency. Meanwhile a friend was gisting me over the weekend how she borrowed a co-worker $100 about 6 months ago (she was supposed to return in a week). 2 months after, the coworker told her she had a death in the family and she will return the following month. The following month, she bought a GL Mercedes and was jubilating at work taking pics but still has not paid the $$. My friend said this same coworker is always flaunting on social media that she makes $$ via her job (Nursing). And my friend is like, don’t mind the yeye girl o working 3 jobs and telling the world she makes $$ from 1 job ???. We have made a good plan on how to retrieve the $$ ?

  9. Duni

    February 29, 2016 at 6:17 pm

    What are we talking about here? You asked for a loan, and he helped you out. Now, he is stingy for collecting the money he lent you back?! Do you know what he has planned for HIS money before your mishap?! I’m female, but abegi! That’s how we make hypocrites of men, and talk about how men like to ‘form’.

    Please, pay back and be glad he even had N5k in his account! Supposing he didint even have ordinary N5k to help you out, nko?!

    Mtcheeewwww!!!

  10. Bonnie

    February 29, 2016 at 6:21 pm

    If i borrow money frm bae… e doesnt collect bck buh if e shud, i wudnt feel anywae. buh iffa borrow him money..e pays back wif interest. N dah doesnt mke me stingy. So its vice versa.

  11. Exotique

    February 29, 2016 at 6:25 pm

    Lady you said ‘lend me’. It’s a loan so you better pay up!!! Let’s stop some of these things we do biko. If you had no intention of paying back then say ‘dash me’. That’s different. BTW I lose interest in any guy that asks me for a loan or dash. Especially more than once. Just a major turn off for me

  12. Somtoo

    February 29, 2016 at 6:44 pm

    But he is bae na. Bae should know boo won’t pay back na. Lmao
    Don’t chew me raw ooooo, na opinion or what I think. Just like a dude will come n raid my fridge n don’t gimme money to stock it bk n u dare wanna take bk money u gave me as loan? Sharrap dia. Don’t u know it’s style I used to take bk money to buy all u bin wacking?

    All the seX nko or food I been giving him? He thinks it’s free? Sex no b loan, food no be loan,the same way the money no be loan
    Hahahahaha. All these from various women I asked.

    Well my take? Hmmmmm loaning money and relationships don’t mix well. If boo asks f4 money, if u know it will pain u if she don’t give bk, give her what u can afford to close eye and forget. Na wa it’s weird na collecting money bk from someone u love. How u wan take ask for kiss after? Or tell her baby I’m hungry, will you cook me smth? If it’s me ehn, the side eye I will look the man??

    • Garfunkel

      February 29, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      So you think your boyfriend or significant other must pay somehow for having sex with you. Okay aunty

    • Olope

      July 16, 2016 at 3:50 pm

      @Somtoo: It’s your prerogative, but is he aware that he needs to pay for sex with you? Do you pay him for sex too? Or you believe you are the only one giving… or potentially trading, as you suggest.

  13. Nnenna

    February 29, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    stingy ko, thrifty ni. it doesn’t make him anything. he collected back his hard earned money biko. Afterall, you didn’t ask him to kuku dash you the money. Nna, collect your money with pride.. its your money. money doesn’t know who is a man or woman. Bae or not, if you say “lend me” it means you’re planning to repay.

  14. PENNY

    February 29, 2016 at 7:17 pm

    if you borrow money pay it back! whether you borrowed from a goat or a horse! PAY IT BACK!!!

  15. zee

    February 29, 2016 at 7:36 pm

    I feel so ashamed reading this! I told my husband to be to lend me money.He did and I asked for his details so I can pay it back. He sent it and I was mad! I begrudged him for a few days.I wonder why he should take the money back.I expect him to say baby you can keep it after all we are getting married in a couple of months.now I know better.I will pay it in tomorrow.next time I will simply say, baby dash me money.. Lol.

    • mo

      February 29, 2016 at 8:10 pm

      GOOD! At least you learn something today. Go and pay your debt and sin no more .

    • why dash

      February 29, 2016 at 8:43 pm

      you asked for details, he sent you and you were mad? didn’t you intend to pay back before? is it your money? does getting married mean d money automatically become yours?

      y should he dash you money?
      it is still the same thing we talking about.
      if males n females are equal, guy dashing you shldnt even be thought about

    • I Renette

      April 29, 2016 at 6:52 am

      Lol. Calm down small, na. Men and women are equal, but when they are a couple, there are roles. He provider, she nurturer. That kinda thing.
      But yeah, if you asked for a loan, pay back happily. If you be needing money, ask him to ‘bless’ you.

  16. Confuzzled

    February 29, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    Liars everywhere. Don’t ask for a loan if you don’t have any intention of repaying. It makes you look cheap and untrustworthy. Ask for a gift if that’s what you really want. At the very least try not to be a liar.

  17. Kokoro Dudu

    March 1, 2016 at 12:18 am

    If I lent you money, pay me back. If I gave you the money, you keep it. Don’t we just get it?

  18. Ruby

    March 1, 2016 at 8:58 am

    Your word should be your bond.
    Borrow me money and I will pay back….then pay back and don’t feel somehow about it. If you feel he should ‘dash’ you the money…then ask for a ‘dash’.

  19. jhennique

    March 1, 2016 at 11:53 am

    I can only speak for myself and no other woman,
    If i ask you to lend me 10naira, i will return that 10 naira to you.
    I hate when people dont take my word seriously not to talk of if that is caused because i failed to keep my word.

    Keep your word girls. it brings respect.
    Dont be the reason men say a woman’s no means yes or vice versa. I hate that phrase with every vein in my body.

  20. Hephie Brown

    March 1, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    So with everybody condemning borrowing without paying back, who are the lenders? who are those that buy market without paying for 2 years? The beauty of being able to appear like what we are not is the beauty of social media.

    • Olope

      July 16, 2016 at 3:57 pm

      It isn’t just being delinquent on a loan, which in itself is bad; it’s feeling you are not responsible to pay back a loan because there is an amorous relationship between you and the lender that the article is about.

  21. YDee

    April 29, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Hephie Brown…..u took the words out of my mouth!
    Kapish

  22. Hotstuff

    October 29, 2016 at 7:38 pm

    Where I live “5K” means $5000 USD! But it’s not the amount that matters. If you borrow any amount and don’t pay back you have lost your honor and your word is no longer good. If you never intended to repay but said you would you are also a liar.

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