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Tess of Girlfriends: Are You Dating Your Way To Slutsville?



dreamstime_l_12258847Interactive post alert – this piece may not teach you anything you do not already know. The intention here is to ignite some soul-searching on your part. As trainers/teachers usually say before a session, in a bid to avoid having a snooze-fest; ‘this is going to be interactive’. So, rather than lecture you, let’s share ideas and views on the subject of dating, especially now with the recently concluded Valentine’s day celebrations. I shall look out for your views in the comments.

A few days ago, I was watching #RichKids Of Beverly Hills on E! because you know – aspirations – and ‘speed dating’ was mentioned. Actually, I wasn’t technically or actively watching. The show was on, while I was doing other stuff. I usually like to have something playing in the background. Is it just me who does that? Am I weird? My default background channels are usually E! Fashion TV or Comedy Central (who else thinks it’s really cute the way Comedy Central gives their age restrictions with all those animal illustrations before any show? Don’t even get me started on their Just For laughs: Gags – I’d go ballistic if someone played such practical jokes on me. Yeah, call me uptight if you want)

Anyway, back to the ‘interactive’ gist… while the #RichKids of Beverly Hills show was on in the background, my ears managed to pick up the discussion on “speed dating” and how it could be a good or a bad thing. In case you’re not aware, speed dating is kinda like an employer actively searching for a new intake. You go through a series of dates with multiple potential partners in a short space of time, in a bid to find ‘the one’. Once you meet someone and they fall short of some expectations, you quickly jump ship and move on to the next person.

One of my male cousins told me a few years ago, that the maximum number of exes a decent girl should have is 3 and so that I better be ready to marry one of the first 3 guys I date with a 4th guy as the worst case scenario, which would then leave me with 3 exes. Hmm! (I asked him what applies to decent guys and I’m yet to get an answer. Hehehe) Is this rule of 3, true? Like seriously? Does it automatically mean that if a girl has more than 3 exes that she’s a slut? Gee! That can’t be right. I mean, we’re not even talking of body-count since not all relationships are gbensh-inclusive. This one is about just dating, sex or no.

Could this count-type thing be the reason people refuse to let go of bad relationships? They just keep managing and enduring all sorts of abuse from the so-called partner to avoid increasing their number of exes. Where do you draw the line? Do you shy away from dating and just wait for a “miracle” spouse? Or damn the consequences and blaze through several potential partners until you find ‘the one’? Do you try to strike a balance, in which case, how many potential frogs should one kiss while attempting to find the prince/princess? 3? 17? 46? What happens if you don’t find ‘the one’ when the predetermined number is exhausted? Do you give up? Or set a new number? Do you even keep count?

In some cases, it’s other people that will keep count for you, which is why I’m an advocate of keeping your life, especially your love life, away from the public eye… and by public eye, I mean social media. Some people take this to mean you don’t love or appreciate the person enough to show them off – and there’s a point there.

However, your love life and whether you choose to flaunt it or not is really nobody’s business. My question on social media flaunting is this (based on experience) – isn’t it better NOT to do all that showing off that makes it everybody’s business, than having to show off and answer all kinds of questions from nosey family, friends and acquaintances? …and then having to wipe all evidence/traces of the person when things don’t work out? (Yeah, yeah, we always think it will work out until somehow, bam! It just doesn’t!) and in this age and time of screenshots, your attempts of cleaning up your past on your Facebook, Instagram and other social media accounts may well be futile.
You’ll be surprised at how quickly monitoring spirits can make the evidence resurface when the need arises. To make matters worse after all that, when you have a new boo again and start flaunting them on social media all over again, the monitoring spirits will come back with questions which can get very very awkwaaaard. Another awkward situation is where one party is flaunting and the other party isn’t. Yes, the monitoring spirits will notice that too. Where celebrities get the thick skin for handling this intense public scrutiny, I’ll probably never know.

I have a friend who says “no ring, no strings” which I agree with and for me, those strings include flaunting on social media abeg. No ring, no flaunting. Why must we flaunt/announce so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? There’s a lot of time for all the announcements and paparazzi after the deal is signed, sealed and delivered, yes? True love waits, doesn’t it? Although, some argue that the flaunting of a thing can help unearth some secrets and hidden agenda of your intended, which is true – we’ve all witnessed this happen over and over. There usually is someone who knows a thing or two about your new boo willing to give you the low down but hey, will you rather have the exposure of hidden agenda be done publicly? Whatever happened to private investigation?

Still on the speed dating dilemma, how long should one wait between each dating partner? Some say until you heal from the burns and scratches of the former relationship but, what if you aren’t hurt and therefore require no healing? In which case you’re free to just move on to the next person. However, that way you basically appear like you’re hopping from one person to the other, even if your intentions are pure. Is that how players/sluts are made? …Seeing as you’ll be leaving a trail of exes who may or may not add wings and tails to what really happened with you both, when they tell the story to their friends (side eye @ guys that claim getting down with chics they never even kissed) Even if you’re hurt, some schools of thought encourage rebounds based on the fact that, they help you quickly get over the pain/hurt of the past relationship. Plus who says a rebound can’t turn to something more?

Share your thoughts!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Tess talks love, fairy tales and happily ever after at Follow Tess on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Snapchat & Pinterest @intimaciti


  1. Blessedheart

    February 17, 2016 at 11:56 am

    No comment on the article. The topic reminds me of Tess of D’ubervilles. I found that book unnecessarily heartbreaking. I mean, the babe didn’t kill anyone now

  2. Naomi

    February 17, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Several times not severally. Severally means individually and should not be used in this context.

  3. Sarah

    February 17, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    First of all, I want to believe you corrected your cousin on his silly *I reall dont want to call him stupid* way of thinking. I can’t believe people still think like this, we have the various version of your cousin’s mentality, another foolish thing guys like your cousin says include “A lady can not sleep around but a guy can because a key that open’s all padlock is a master key,while the padlock that any key can open will be changed.*thanks for giving me inspiration on my next topic, visit me on * . I have seen people marry the first guy they have been with and some the 10th guys they have been with, even prostitute get married, Nobody and I mean Nobody should put a number to it. Girl,bye

  4. J

    February 17, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    “no ring, no strings”
    I cannot even begin to articulate all the things that are wrong with this statement.

    Secondly, this rather self inflicted pressure for the ‘ring’ is the bane of most women’s existence.

    Thirdly,a large chunk of the people I know, who are married, do not have this rather complicated view of love, dating, relationships and commitment.


  5. Nancy

    February 17, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    @J , what do u mean the ‘large chunk of the people who are married’ ?

    Are you saying married people dont have problems like single people?

  6. marvel

    February 17, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    I personally do not think there is any hard and fast rule on dating and meeting the one. Just go roll with the flow but carry your head as you roll.
    Love can find us in the most unexpected moments, when we least expect it but we have to be mentally ready to receive it. Slut dating or not, just move on.No need dwelling on the past to avoid moving on. Also, there is absolutely no need dwelling on what society says about dating or ‘slut-shaming’ labels given to women who pick up the pieces of their lives and move on. Any one who has been hurt in a past relationship knows that it takes courage to open up another opportunity to love again. My basic motto is ‘Johnny come, Johnny go, Barrack remain!’ As one motivational speaker said, never stop dating until you are married, ‘Slutty slut’ or not

  7. Tosin

    February 17, 2016 at 2:04 pm

    “like an employer actively searching for a new intake” is a slut. the job candidate sending out CVs and attending interviews too. cool. i’ll be a slut, a curious/friendly adult human being or whatever.

    i’ve NEVER been able to like the word date/dating. what is dating? ugh.

  8. naima

    February 17, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    One million likes for ur comment…..women should move on abeg and forget body count… never think like that…….you have to keep trying u know… can’t just give up or stay with someone you don’t like coz you’re worried about body count…..

  9. Miss pee

    February 17, 2016 at 2:13 pm

    You see this social media thing i don’t do it cos of eventual breakup, my ex wanted to upload our pix on fb and tag me to it i seriously warned him he shouldn’t do so. What’s the point of media buhaha when we’re just getting to understand ourselves. Nna, until we’ve done our traditional wedding ehm then I can partially upload our pix depending on my mood cos I’m not pleasing anyone .
    Hmmm whether speed or slow dating I always believe in healing properly from a past relationship before accepting to start another, reasons being I don’t want to waste anyone’s time so don’t waste mine. An incidence happened recent I told a friend that I know good men exist in as much as it’s the bad ones I’m seeing. How can someone be asking you out and also upload another lady’s picture on valentine’s day and tag it # baeisgorgeous # baeisbeautiful. I saw it and just smiled and was thanking God I wasn’t dating this guy yet only for him to bring out his legs to ask me later in the evening why I didn’t send him a valentine’s day greeting and I responded you didn’t do so to me. and I went further to compliment his bae @ dp and he started confessing oooh we’re not dating ooh she used my pix and captioned it and I reciprocated, I just said carry on with her nah he said they’re just mutual friends. lekwa m okolo? I said bros its very
    obvious you have a thing for this geh biko kotinu and lemme from this ya mataz b4 someone prays on my head for something I know Nada about. He was like he still has feelings for her that she’s his ex, your ex and she used your pix on Val’s day and you reciprocated? His reason is I’ve not accepted to his request yet i old him Broda biko deal with those demons and don’t use me as a rebound mbok. Bottom line if you know you ain’t serious with anyone don’t play with their heart.

    • MsA

      February 17, 2016 at 2:39 pm

      Lmao.!! “Rebound Mbok”. Lol!!!

    • Stephanie

      February 17, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      These guys sha!!! They just think all girls have peasized brains! From mutual friends to ex girlfriend. What cock and bull!!!

  10. LL

    February 17, 2016 at 2:15 pm

    I think the slutiness comes in when you decide to sleep with everyone of them. Another reason you may end up kissing too many frogs is when you don’t cut them off early. Many women stay dating a man even when they already know they don’t want to be married to him or he to them. To make things easy on yourself, within the first few dates, study and decide if the man is someone you should be with. If he isn’t, move on. By the time I was married, I had only 2 exes. However, I had casually dated more but they can never refer to me as their ex and I will never see them as exes as well.

  11. Doxa

    February 17, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    What of this saying I have heard several times “if it didn’t not last up to 6 months, it was not a relationship”.
    Please house members, what are your views?

  12. Stephanie

    February 17, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    Soldier go soldier come, how would you know you’ve hit the real deal if you don’t kiss a couple of frogs along the way. Bad relationships wisen you up and kind of keep you grounded so that when Mr. Right comes along… Hehehe you don’t take him for granted.

  13. missy z

    February 18, 2016 at 12:24 am

    On body counts, I actually married my number 30. Sickening but true. I made too many bad relationship decisions. And it seemed to always end so fast with me, confused n heartbroken. I went to God for forgiveness, and forgave my body d slutty assault in d name of finding true love. Shortly after that, I met my hubby. I was open with him. Too open. I protected my emotions wella. Thot we wld end up friends at least but he proposed n actually married. I never put his pic on any social media until 2 weeks to wed. Moral of d story: who is yours is yours. Trust God n guard ur heart diligently.

  14. Aidan Torres

    November 5, 2020 at 12:17 pm

    oh wow

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