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Olawunmi Esan: Doing This Can Improve Your Sex Life….Drastically

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dreamstime_l_815926How often should you have sex to qualify as a happily married couple? Twice a week, thrice a week, everyday?

It’s a question quite a number of people think about: ‘What frequency of sex makes me eligible to join the ‘Happily Marrieds’ club?’

My answer. There is no “set in stone” required frequency that makes you eligible to join the club….if there really is a club. However, there is a healthy frequency that keeps both of you happy and smiling. It is up to you to determine what that happy number is and try as much as possible to deliver.

Speaking about delivering on sexual expectations, you may find that at some point in marriage, your sex life tends to experience a decline that often times may go unnoticed by one or both partners.

Your time is either taken up by work, the kids, taking care of the home and so on that at the end of the day, you are too tired for sex and more amazingly, you are okay with it!!!

Sex takes a back seat and the decline starts so innocuously that you don’t really notice what is happening until it begins to have a negative effect on your marriage. It gradually slows down from 5 times to 3 times a week, to twice to once a week until it becomes a twice monthly or a ‘once in a month’ exercise. You become so consumed with everything that surrounds you that your need for sex and intimacy becomes neglected.

The question then becomes, how do you keep things going on the sexual front even when you don’t really miss the absence of sex? How do you remind yourself to give that intimate connection a front row seat again when it is so tempting to just fall asleep at the end of each day’s activities.

My answer? Keep a log of sexual activities.

This may sound boring and tedious but trust me, it isn’t. I am a Marriage and Sex Coach, and one of the things that I don’t joke with is Sex and Intimacy in my marriage. I like the quantity just as much as I like the quality.

If you asked me how frequently I have sex, without thinking too much I would quote a pretty high number. However, a while back, I began making use of an app on my phone to track the number of times I was having sex per week and per month and to my utmost surprise, I found that my estimation was pretty much higher than the reality. Needless to say, I was shocked when I discovered this.

‘So all this time, was I just having sex in my mind and feeling really cool?’

Discovery is important but action after discovery is even more important. I used that information I had received to take things up several notches and I made sure to log in every sexual activity and in just 2 weeks, the improvement was pretty significant. Every time, I looked at my log and I noticed a slack, it served as a reminder to up my game.

You could make it a little more exciting by logging with a money jar alongside your app or log book. Every time you have sex, you could put in a certain amount of money in a jar and use the accumulated amount at the end of the month to treat yourselves to a nice time.

You could also rev things up a bit by adding something spicy to your sex life every week or two and logging that as well.

Whatever rocks your boat. Your aim should be to keep up an active, healthy sex life and have fun while you are at it.

So here’s to a very exciting sex life ahead of you. CHEERS!!!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Olawunmi Esan is a trained Psychotherapist, who specializes as a Sex Therapist & Coach. She helps couples take Sexual Intimacy from Routine to Mind-blowing and has worked with over 1,000 individuals and couples to help them enjoy more fulfilling Intimacy and Sex lives. She is a founding member of The African Association of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO) and the Founder of The Thriving Family, a Counselling Organisation working to promote positive and well balanced family life. You can learn more about her work HERE Olawunmi is married with children.

10 Comments

  1. o

    March 9, 2016 at 8:39 pm

    This present PHCN situation is really affecting my sex life. No light for AC, no fuel to power gen overnight, heat nko?…….lol. Jokes apart tho, will try this

    • Chim

      March 9, 2016 at 9:33 pm

      Sweaty sex is the best sex ?

  2. Majestic

    March 9, 2016 at 9:07 pm

    “…and have fun while you are at it”.

  3. person

    March 9, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    Got the friggin implant so I could have loads of sex after baby 2. Now I cant seem to stop bleeding. Its been about 8 weeks now, constant bleeding!!!!! And I wont have sex when I am bleeding… So what to do now? Sigh?

    • o

      March 9, 2016 at 10:23 pm

      take it out plssss

    • Chy

      March 9, 2016 at 10:44 pm

      Pls take it out immediately!

    • Person

      March 9, 2016 at 11:26 pm

      My sister, please find another name and stop using my own please!! I noticed this two weeks ago but I thought it was a fluke! Maka why?

      Ok. Back to your question: see your gynecologist for the best advice!

    • Ij

      March 10, 2016 at 1:36 am

      Yours is Cap ‘P’ hers is lowercase ‘p’ 🙂 lol

  4. Sanam re

    March 9, 2016 at 11:36 pm

    Sex between couples is something really happy and nice. Just follow instinct and do what you both enjoy!

  5. Ay

    March 12, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    My Job entails me Working with Lots of Wealthy, middle class and Poor Couples especially der Wives! What I have noticed is Most Women Love to have good sex at least Twice a week! And very great sex weekends especially Friday, Saturday and Sunday Cos both parties are usually less busy than weekdays thus the Man has no excuse why he can’t Perform to full expectations if u know what I mean
    Economic power and better education and jobs have given d women more Sexual Power in d bedroom and they have learnt to take control and are more explicit in what they want from der man in bed
    So ideally twice btn Mon and Thursday While Friday All Nite Sex is d secret Craving of most women btn ages 20-60

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