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Aunty Bella: Mrs. He Doesn’t Love Me

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. 
We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

This story was submitted in the comments section of an Aunty Bella post which we published yesterday. {Click here if you missed it}

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Aunt Bella, I don’t know how else to send this to you but please help by posting this.
I am 27 and I got married 2 years ago to a guy I thought loved me.  At least I thought so….

Few months after our marriage, he cheated on me and apologised; but that’s about the only time he has apologised.
So I lost my trust and told him I just wanted him to reassure me so that I can trust him again but he never did. So we have our issues once in a while like other married couples and each time he tells me if am not happy, I should go… that I am still too young.

So recently we saw a counselor and he opened up that he never loved me and right now he resents me in his heart. He just thought the love was going to grow in his heart and it never did and that marrying me was a mistake. He said it to my face and seeing me gives me headache.

He even wants separation as a matter of urgency. We have a baby together and another on the way.
I really don’t know what to do but am not even willing to try again with someone that has resentment in his heart towards me.

Help me people ….I don’t know what to do.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

39 Comments

  1. Wow

    June 1, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    Blood of Jesus. No need for headache, leave and he shall see that he lost his blessing!

    • Oversabi

      June 1, 2016 at 10:22 pm

      Leave

  2. sika

    June 1, 2016 at 7:20 pm

    What to do is simple. Get a divorce. Marriage is not by force hun..especially to a man who doesnt even send you.

    You are still young and you can surely get your groove back. Get a job if you dont already have one, move back in with your parents, hire a nanny to help out. Life has to go on. Be strong.

  3. bumble bee

    June 1, 2016 at 7:24 pm

    I don’t want to sound judgmental but what kind of help are you looking for? Your husband said he never loved you, so why did he marry you? A part of me is telling me this is not the whole story, how can a man who married you, who supposedly asked for your hand in marriage, wake up one morning and says he doesn’t love you and actually even resents you.. my dear this isn’t the whole story please… there’s something you are hiding or don’t want to say…. but I am 90% sure this isn’t the whole story. Most times stories like this either you hooked him with pregnancy and you thought he would learn to love you after marriage or you were a side chick who used pregnancy to upgrade to wify ( saying this cos this happened to someone I know, ended up in divorce)

    • nwanyi na aga aga

      June 2, 2016 at 9:04 am

      Be cautious when you are throwing accusations, the girl might not be at fault here. Just like you have experiences of girls who had hooked a man with pregnancy. My ex married a girl after 3 months of break up just to marry before me, cos he felt the reason I dumped his handsome rich self was cos I got a better person. Unknowingly to him I couldn’t deal with his cheating foolish, aggrandized self. Imagine his alarm and surprise when I remained single almost for 2 years. He kept yakking that I didn’t tell him I was not leaving for another person. Before his marriage to the babe, he was already cheating cos I saw him, the poor girl never knew. I also know another relative who hood winked an innocent young girl into marrying him cos his ex refused to marry him. Guys do it a lot when they are dumped so pls don’t rush to judge this lady.
      Dear Poster, my advice to you is that if you are working take it with good faith and prayers. Concentrate on your work it will hurt but believe me you will heal. Concentrate on your unborn child, don’t let anything hurt that child. Let your health and that of your kids be of paramount concern to you. You can not force a man to love and stay with you and your kids. Be prayerful and wait on God. He will surely wipe your tears. It is well.

  4. Ms Bee

    June 1, 2016 at 7:26 pm

    Well…….., What else can you do than to move on with your life? He already told you his mind and if you refuse to move out, the next thing that may follow is to physically abuse you, and I’m sure you don’t want that to happen. As long as he is providing for his children, I think you should move on with your life.

  5. ada

    June 1, 2016 at 7:41 pm

    @bumble bee, you are actually judging her by saying that she isnt being forthright. The person you know in a similar situation doesnt mean every case is the same. People marry for different reasons, people also pretend in order to achieve an aim. Because of societal pressure, people just get marrried to get family and friends off their backs, they marry people who are equally desperate to marry without considering that love has to be present to get the marriage started.

    My advise to the young lady is to move on. You cant force a man to love you, at least he admitted it to your face. Any attempt to force the mariage to work will only bring more heartache. Leaving a marriage especially with a child is a difficult decision but your happiness and safety as well that of your child should be your first prority.

    • bumble bee

      June 1, 2016 at 9:09 pm

      I still say she isn’t, whether I am being judgmental or not.. I’m saying the truth.. no man wakes up one day to say the things he did, except there’s a story behind it, you said some people pretend, that’s why I said she’s not saying the full story, read her story objectively, without emotion or pity and you’ll see that her story doesn’t add up.. 1st he cheats on you almost immediately after the wedding, then he starts changing b4 the final showdown and you think this is how everything just played out abi?.. I still stand my ground this is not the full story, there’s something she’s not saying, it may not be what i’m thinking but trust me there’s more to this story

    • Honeycrown

      June 1, 2016 at 10:25 pm

      @bumble bee, I don’t want to sound judgemental but I’m 95% sure you’re talking from experience and that’s the reason you’re certain the poster isn’t telling the truth. Hehehe #Yinmu.

  6. damseldam1

    June 1, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    “So recently we saw a counselor and he opened up that he never loved me and right now he resents me in his heart. He just thought the love was going to grow in his heart and it never did and that marrying me was a mistake. He said it to my face and seeing me gives me headache”.

    after a child and one on the way????? when he was getting you pregnant he didn’t think of the resentment and the mistake of marrying you? was he blind when he was sexing you? na wa!!!

  7. Las

    June 1, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    My advise is based on the assumption that you guys went through the whole traditional marriage process…

    Step 1. Start preparing your self mentally and financially for any
    Step 2. Have another chat with him. If he insists he doesn’t love you anymore and wants a separation, go to step 3
    Step 3. Call the elders who witnessed and approved the ‘joining together
    Step 4. Let him repeat what he said to you in front of them. No need to beg in this scenario. You just need witnesses
    Step 5. Ask him to start divorce proceedings if indeed he no longer wants to stay married
    Step 6. Get yourself a good divorce lawyer
    Step 7. Move back with your parents if possible or find a safe place to harbour yourself and your child
    Step 8. See the divorce proceedings through and make up your mind never to let anyone dictate your life terms again. Promise yourself never to look back
    Step 9. Start rebuilding, it will be hard, but worth it

    Hope this helps you…this is what I did….

    • Sisi

      June 1, 2016 at 11:43 pm

      Nice one, good advice. I don’t believe in divorce personally but I don’t see how you can and why you should stay married to someone who doesn’t love you and goes as far as to say they resent you. That is deep. Why evils Mr man? I am tempted o ask what did this woman do to you cause this isn’t right. God will see you through lady, be strong

  8. Ona

    June 1, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    It appears that you pressured him into this marriage, otherwise how can a man manage u like that when there are tons of options out there. Im not sure what other advise u want from us because i dont think remaining in a loveless marriage where the man has clearly stated that he resents u is a good idea. Unfortunately, u’ll have to move on. It will hurt and people will talk but trust, u will get over it in a few months. Just immerse urself in whatever makes u happy and whatever dreams u have been wanting to pursue. From now on dont kill urself trying to find another man to wife u…u don answer present already for marriage. Just live a fulfilling, happy life on ur own terms….and don’t live to please anyone. Believe me, u will feel fulfilled and could even find a great man in the process.

    Good luck!

  9. Sugar

    June 1, 2016 at 7:58 pm

    Sad to know hun. Doesn’t matter how u got into d marriage just stay focused on the next positive line of action. There’s nothing as rewarding as loving yourself first and getting the much needed respect u deserve. Might be tough in the beginning but you’ll get by. Wish u a good life!

  10. love is wicked

    June 1, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    Don’t mind him,by the time the side chic leaves him,his eyes go clear.just do what makes you happy and try to remain who you are,if he doesn’t change then you decide whether to leave.don’t rush to divorce yet.

  11. Nkechi

    June 1, 2016 at 8:20 pm

    You need to go via the Spiritual route, many people may not understand my point and that is OK. Our generationis too sensual to grasp the Spiritual Rem. This reminds me of Dr Mofe( Fictitious name) She and her husband loved each other but in laws did not want them together. As sophisticated as she was, don’t know what they put on her that made her smell like poo. Whent her husband moved near her, he smelt it but others didn’t. Dr Mofe realized English could not solve everything and ran to the house of God. Most people can’t relate with it but remember it is your life and human beings have limitations. Thank God for counseling at least that brought the reality of the situation out. Most cases such as yours are not normal. A woman out there could be pulling his heart away. Better pursue God earnestly so He can rain fire down. Your situationis not hopeless in Christ.

    • Yeyeperry

      June 2, 2016 at 8:25 am

      Good advice but unfourtunately i don’t think she’s interested anymore which is understandable.
      But poster, May you should really take this the prayer route? (If you haven’t already done so)

  12. xxx

    June 1, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    Well if he hates you so much tell him to be the one to initiate it. You have kids and u would like that you both try. I. Read Somewhere that divorce people go through very traumatic times. It isn’t any easier when you leave.
    So if he thinks he can’t try let him be the one to leave.
    Make it easy on urself and ur kids tomorrow.

    • Dr. N

      June 1, 2016 at 8:58 pm

      I agree with u. Tell him u love him. Let him be d one to leave.
      Meanwhile start saving up for d rainy day. If u are a Christian, go d prayer route
      It will also be wise to protect yourself if he is promiscous. Dont want to add STD to it all
      Please leave if there is a threat of violence
      Try to find a network of praying women to support u
      Hugs

  13. Abuja Bored Girl

    June 1, 2016 at 8:50 pm

    I don’t know whether you take your spirituality very serious but this is my advice to you. Pray firstly asking God for wisdom to on how to respond, secondly regardless of his actions towards you don’t stop loving him, what I mean is this don’t repay his evil with evil, be kind and nice to him. Lastly ask God to save your marriage and turn the heart of your husband back to you.
    Memoirsofanabujaboredgirl.blogspot.com

  14. Daisy

    June 1, 2016 at 9:29 pm

    DO NOT LEAVE!!!. Let him file for a divorce – not you – and tell him to state that he never loved you in his supporting evidence. Then, you must CONTEST the divorce, like your life depends on it and settle only for half his salary until you get remarried. What is this leave business…. to pack your things empty handed back to your parents house bringing along 2 additional burdens.

    Why do I suspect you are not a Yoruba woman? Marriage no be by force but to leave is also not by force. He must pay you to leave or you should make his life unbearable. Don’t be afraid he will beat you, if he tries that, hire thugs to show him pepper then nurse back to health so he can continue working and paying your bills. What a foolish man. Whatever you do, do not be unfaithful to your marriage vows.

    • Nene

      June 1, 2016 at 10:41 pm

      I suspect she might be Igbo. I also hope u didn’t real him with pregnancy. Whether you did or you didn’t , you need to let go and move on. He doesn’t love you at all.

  15. Hotspice_yimu

    June 1, 2016 at 9:32 pm

    Option 1: get a divorce. Life will be hard at first, then 95% of men (esp if you are in Naija) will want you as a lover and nothing else. 3% may want you as a wife if you are loaded and the remaining 2% will want you as a second wife. Well all the % will not matter if you are lucky and get married again to a good man.
    Option 2: remain. But it is going to be hard work cos you are going to fight for what you want. So background check first….What is the foundation of your marriage? Did he marry you out of pity etc? If the foundation get k-leg you don enter one chance. Well, k-leg or straight leg the only thing I can recommend is Prayer to Almighty God. Go to Him and have Faith that will move this your mountain.
    *hint while fasting and praying….revamp those things that got him attracted to you initially (assuming there was an attraction)
    P.s. Hope he wasn’t snatched cos Karma sometimes keeps some people’s number of speed dial while others are forgotten guess that’s why it’s a b***h. ?

  16. Ej

    June 1, 2016 at 10:17 pm

    I read all comments until the last 3 above me, Wat happen to saving our marriage, what happened to praying to God,am not even married but I know they are wicked forces, my dear get on your knees and pray to the mighty creator, your father is ready to solve this, this issue is too small for him, when there is God to pray to, he will answer divorce should be the last thing, I believe in him ur case is settle ijn

    • Onyeka

      June 2, 2016 at 12:49 am

      This comment right here is the reason why depression is rife among women. A man tells you plain and simple he doesn’t love you and never has. What exactly are you preserving. We women are always looking for hidden meaning. Theres nothing more. He is no t into you and has said as much. We need to wake up and smell the coffee… marriage is not by force. Yes God frowns upon divorce but even the bible says infertility is grounds for divorce. To the poster if you are financially independent please move on. Try to make the break as amicable as possible so your children don’t grow up without their father and so that you don’t lock your self up in unforgiveness.

      I have you give it to the guy. He has been honest with you. I know it’s late some men will stay there and trn you into an emotional punching bag .

    • G!

      June 2, 2016 at 2:21 pm

      Honey it’s ‘INFIDELITY’ and not ‘INFERTILITY’ that the bible acknowledges as a ground for divorce

  17. Honeycrown

    June 1, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    This your condition is tough and I empathize with you. If he has to go, let him go. However, why is he telling you to leave? Isn’t he the one that doesn’t want to be in the relationship? Remember you have to really take care of yourself especially at this time because of the pregnancy and the baby you already have. You have to be strong for them. I hope you have a good support system that will help you through this difficult time. Maybe after delivery you can focus on him/the relationship/divorce but take good care of yourself and kids right now. I pray that God sees you through. Amen.

  18. LW

    June 2, 2016 at 12:55 am

    Sorry my dear, if it was me, I won’t leave just like that. Leave with one small child and with another on the way? Are you kidding me? Get a job? Who will even employ her in this condition?
    I no be oyinbo o. Say, I don’t love you and I should just pack and go after premeditated using and she bore a child with another on the way? Let him be the one to leave, let him be the one to file for divorce. (it must be on record and both families must know that he decided on this course of action). He has to do all the hard work and meet the conditions if he wants this divorce and I would not make it easy for him and his side-chick and will fight for my kids all the way. Financial settlement is important for the sake of the 2 small kids as she will need support until she can start earning. Divorce can be so ugly and complicated. I have seen women walk away with nothing and some fought for their rights and children’s right, all are still going to be difficult so she might as well fight for her kids.
    . Ogar sir “I never loved you” husband, if na remote control, your eye will soon clear. But really, at this time SERIOUS SERIOUS prayers are needed. Seek God quickly and run from those offering diabolical solutions..

  19. LW

    June 2, 2016 at 12:59 am

    Sorry my dear, if it was me, I won’t leave just like that. Leave with one small child and with another on the way? Are you kidding me? Get a job? Who will even employ her in this condition?
    I no be oyinbo o. Say, I don’t love you and I should just pack and go after premeditated using and she bore a child with another on the way? Let him be the one to leave, let him be the one to file for divorce. (it must be on record and both families must know that he decided on this course of action). He has to do all the hard work and meet the conditions if he wants this divorce and I would not make it easy for him and his side-chick and will fight for my kids all the way. Financial settlement is important for the sake of the 2 small kids as she will need support until she can start earning. Divorce can be so ugly and complicated. I have seen women walk away with nothing and some fought for their rights and children’s right, all are still going to be difficult so she might as well fight for her kids.
    . Ogar sir “I never loved you” husband, if na remote control, your eye will soon clear. But really, at this time SERIOUS SERIOUS prayers are needed. Seek God quickly and run from those offering diabolical solutions..

  20. Jamce

    June 2, 2016 at 6:46 am

    Please Onyeka, where is it written in the Bible that “infertility is a ground for divorce”? Abraham did not divorce Sarah, Elkanah did not divorce Hannah and Zecharia did not divorce Elizabeth. Please let’s know what Bible you are referring to.

  21. Tosin

    June 2, 2016 at 6:59 am

    Just deleted my long response. It’s the guy that I’d like to talk to. Y’all call Charly Boy 😀

  22. King Bey

    June 2, 2016 at 7:08 am

    Bumble bee biko I support you,she’s not telling the whole story either she was desperate or she hooked him down by getting pregnant….Ahahan how can someone who paid your dowry wake up one morninng and says he doesn’t love you again,maybe JuJu is at work

  23. Half Story

    June 2, 2016 at 9:44 am

    exactly my thoughts, life isnt like that. or do we say its juju? lol maybe you were a fling got pregnant and his family made him marry you. And in 2years u mumuly got pregnant with another child for the man who started cheating few months into the marriage hoping it would make him relax? Please say the whole story, btw thought you went to a counsellor, why are u here asking BN again? didnt your counsellor give you enough advise

  24. tP tall

    June 2, 2016 at 10:49 am

    Bumble bee, if she tells the whole story, she will run pages. my guess is the guy had a different expectation for their marriage. He also does not forgive and forget so he has a history of all her wrongs since when they started dating. He thought he loved her but because of all the issues that comes with start up marriages, he is not patient and committed to overcome the storm with her. The issues are just domestic issues that were not addressed properly and not that she cheated etc. Our folks made their marriages work regardless of if the wife now has a big tummy or not looking as cool as banker ladies or not as tush as Kim. They stayed and they didnt compare of how the grass is greener

  25. tee

    June 2, 2016 at 11:05 am

    @Bella Naija: make una change this picture noooooow. kilode

  26. Person

    June 2, 2016 at 12:24 pm

    What is your financial situation is like? Can you afford to take care of your children ALL BY YOURSELF WITHOUT HELP FROM HIM? Schools, feeding, accommodation, daily expenses? If no, how far along is your second pregnancy? If it is still in the safe zone for an abortion, get an abortion. Yes, an abortion. Because another child with your current husband is an albatross around your neck. If yes, discard my abortion advice. Have your baby and ask him for a divorce. Get him on record (video/phone recording) as saying he doesn’t want to be married to you. Walk away and never look back. It will be hard but your life will be better. All the best!

  27. nwanyi na aga aga

    June 2, 2016 at 12:35 pm

    Be cautious when you are throwing accusations, the girl might not be at fault here. Just like you have experiences of girls who had hooked a man with pregnancy. My ex married a girl after 3 months of break up just to marry before me, cos he felt the reason I dumped his handsome rich self was cos I got a better person. Unknowingly to him I couldn’t deal with his cheating foolish, aggrandized self. Imagine his alarm and surprise when I remained single almost for 2 years. He kept yakking that I didn’t tell him I was not leaving for another person. Before his marriage to the babe, he was already cheating cos I saw him, the poor girl never knew. I also know another relative who hood winked an innocent young girl into marrying him cos his ex refused to marry him. Guys do it a lot when they are dumped so pls don’t rush to judge this lady.
    Dear Poster, my advice to you is that if you are working take it with good faith and prayers. Concentrate on your work it will hurt but believe me you will heal. Concentrate on your unborn child, don’t let anything hurt that child. Let your health and that of your kids be of paramount concern to you. You can not force a man to love and stay with you and your kids. Be prayerful and wait on God. He will surely wipe your tears. It is well. Allow him to leave it will not be the end of life.

  28. mizkayty

    June 2, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    that man must not be eating or drinking in the house again, how can you openly tell ur wife that and sleep under the same roof??? he must have beat death in his past life

  29. Jokinglyserious

    June 4, 2016 at 10:35 am

    @bumble bee. Here we go again. The woman is always at fault. She must have done something to warrant ill treatment from the man, She didn’t do enough to deserve his love, She forced him to love her and he just woke up to the reality, the woman is did this, she didn’t do that. Please! Enough with blaming the victims. A rational, matured, free thinking man chose not to love his wife. Simple. No need saying she is lying or speaking half truth or implying she is at fault. Even if she is nko? Assuming but not conceding that she trapped him with pregnancy, what doesn’t that change? Did the man not know how to use a condom? Did she jazz or drag him into the marriage?
    In short, How does your judgemental proposition change the situation, apart from making the poor woman feel worse. If people don’t have better ways of proffering a solution, please move on to the next feed. We don’t have to judge and prode and pluck out every problem. The diagnoses or fault finding will help no one, especially if we don’t attempt to give a solution.
    My dear poser, you can’t force love you. Move on please. While your dignity, self esteem and physical wellbeing is still intact, a loveless relationship can be managed. A resented relationship is a bomb, waiting to explode. You will find love again, and be glad your husband let you go. Trust me.

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