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Aunty Bella: Miss. Should I Follow My Heart or Use My Head?

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***

This is my story. Please, bear with my typing and the length of my story.
I am 24 (Yoruba). He is 26 (Efik).

I met him September 2015 and gave him a chance in October. He claimed to have loved me long before I knew him (secret admirer), but he had a female friend – which he claims that is just his friend and nothing more.
I fell in love with him along the line, and we got going well. But this friend has been a problem. She calls him always and even does my duties better than I do and on few occasions, he has shoved it in my face – that I was not doing what I should be doing but rather his friend was. It included calling him and praying for him when he had an interview sometime ago (which he didn’t give me details about) but he told her about it, and she was busy praying for him..lol.
We tried to sort her out but he started lying about her. Whenever she calls, he wouldn’t pick it when I’m around and if I ask when last they spoke,he would say, “it’s been long ooo”, whereas, they just finish talking.

This friend of his gave me a lot of concern, but he kept telling me there was no cause for alarm that I am the chosen one and what is mine is mine. I was opportune to speak to her once when he introduced me as his fiancé to her over the phone. She asked if I was his fiancé and I confirmed it; then, I asked who she was as I was informed that she is a friend. She answered me by asking if dat was what he told me. Next, she told me not to worry that she wanted to speak with him. That was the end of the conversation that day before I left.
After then she and my boyfriend still continued talking after which she told him in a text that she didn’t like what he did the other day…i.e she talking to me.

Next concern was his mother. She accepted me someway and complained to him that I don’t help her with the cooking. See me see trouble! Next she answered my call and spoke to my mother to warn me off her son. I tried to leave but it didn’t work…he begged and begged. I couldn’t stand seeing him sad, so I stayed back; but we stayed away from his family per se.

Meanwhile my parents warned me off, but I thought that “love conquereth all things”..lol…
Finally his female friend again showed up months later at an event and we got talking and I asked her what relationship she had with him. she said “he will come and answer the question”. Then she asked me if I was related to him. I also told her that “he will come and answer the question”.
Please did I do anything wrong in answering her the way she answered me?

My boyfriend came and was informed of the situation but he could not answer any of our questions..he now began to beg me to “let sleeping dogs lie”…Biko which sleeping dogs should lie?

At that point I knew there was more to that girl….he later secretly and unintentionally said that she supported the event financially and he didn’t want to seem ungrateful by answering that question that day. Well, I made up my mind that night to leave the relationship, no matter how hard it seemed, and I made my intentions known to him.

As usual he begged and called my friends to beg me. I am not interested anymore though, I still love him very much.I am only trying to be strong but it tears me apart sometimes.

I reported myself to my parents and they have forgiven my disobedience and they now hold me to my words that I wouldn’t go back to him again.
But oftentimes, I feel confused like I didn’t do the right thing, and I feel peace also that the wahala of relationship is on hold for now.

Now his mother is calling for me and her to have a dialogue on the way forward after apologising for the previous experience. She claims I’m her wife and that she loves me very much. These mothers-in-law sef….me I’m afraid of her ooooh….

I am scared that my parents would not accept him if we get back later. I am confused whether to still give him a chance because I know he is cheating right now with that girl and some other side chicks(because I secretly saw him after we parted ways with that girl…hmmmm…)

I am pained but I still think I can forgive him…
Please, help a sister so I don’t want to make a mistake.
I am trying to follow my heart and use my head but it is not easy oooo…

Photo CreditScott Griessel | Dreamstime.com

54 Comments

  1. Mr. Egghead

    July 20, 2016 at 1:11 am

    Same old same old . . . Bellanaija “even your boo get a boo” Episode 37

    @op, you better run and save your sanity.
    Women can be funny AF, you’re see all these red flags yet you still dey ask questions. I can honestly swear that your dickmatization is the reason for this analysis paralysis. You are contemplating staying with someone who doesn’t not respect you enough to preserve your emotional health?
    Everything is toxic, toxic, toxic

    Don’t use your God-given head, you hear? Keep on doing ‘he loves me, he loves me not’

    • fleur

      July 20, 2016 at 2:41 am

      Oh geh, carry your two left legs comot for that place. Unless of course you thrive on drama or you have low self esteem

    • ola

      July 20, 2016 at 8:18 am

      You never marry and e dey treat you like this

    • Yeyeperry

      July 20, 2016 at 8:50 am

      No 1. is the friend abi?
      I’ll ask you first, what is your attitude like?
      One of my friends D was in a relationship with this lady last year, D and I became very close friends and we could talk about anything and everything. we just had this bond.
      Initially, D would tell his babe whenever we were together (most of the time with our other friends. I was the only girl) which was quite often because we work together.
      This girl who didn’t know me just disliked me. She would start quarreling whenever she knew i was around D. I wanted to be her friend to calm her fears, nibo? the girl refused to hear my name or have anything to do with me.
      I am his friend
      She is his girlfriend
      We play different roles
      But she didn’t see it like that instead she saw it as a competition.
      Whenever I called and they were together, she wouldn’t allow him pick or she would tell him to put it on speaker.
      So D and I formulated a code. When i call and they were together, I would say my safe word and he would say his and then we would talk.
      Dear Poster, did you let envy cloud your analysis of who the lady is to your man?
      Because if she is someone like me who is a trouble maker and who thinks my friend deserves a woman who trusts him, I would do more than her sef to pinch you in order to change your ways.

      If you really want the relationship to work, mother in law o friend o, It’s in your hands.

    • Sense

      July 20, 2016 at 11:31 am

      & you think this is right? I wouldn’t blame D’s gf because guys have been using the “just friends” line for a long time, before you know it they will marry the so called friend. I understand the girl’s pain because i have been the friend and i totally respect people’s relationship. Once my friend has a gf, i gradually reduce the way i call because i know i can influence my friends behaviour to his gf especially if they quarrel. I trust more friend more so of course i will see things from his perspective first even though i can be very blunt and won’t take them misbehaving.

      Recently, my friend’s wife called to insult me just because i was returning her hubby’s (my friend) call. Apparently, dude had gotten high (i know what to do when he gets high) and she was scared….. I got mad and i have lost respect for her because i did not do anything wrong, i am very to myself so i do not socialize much but i think she expects me to make a conscious effort to be her friend (no can’t do) just because i’m friends withe her hubby.

      So, @yeyeperry try not to instigate anything. Once the gf sees you are chilled then she would relax. All them safe word is unnecessary because you are gradually giving him the opportunity to check out of his relationship when he feels like. Trust may not come easily on the girl’s part, you do not know what she has gone through. You should put yourself in her shoes too, would you trust so easily and be so cool with your bf having such a bestie?

    • "changing moniker"

      July 20, 2016 at 4:34 pm

      Abeg stop your games and leave his relationship in peace.
      Why not date each other if your bond is so strong??

    • Onyie

      July 20, 2016 at 12:06 pm

      Lol. Its official o….i am definitely in love with Mr. Egghead now.

      Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • FasholasLover

      July 20, 2016 at 12:19 pm

      I agree with you joor. All these same o same o. No need writing an epistle. I jump am pass.

      BN, what gwan? There used to be serious issues to debate/bants over. Someone once queried the veracity of some of these new issues. Me, l no know book o. But, this is not the BN that attracted me here o. Peace out.

    • xx

      July 20, 2016 at 6:36 pm

      We have to have enough self discipline. Now having self discipline is not easy atall. This situation has been experienced by alot of ppl myself included. The heart wants what it want abi. want you to know you are very smart lady but since the question is out for the public. I’d say look forward to what God can do for you but this guy is not IT aka no be am

  2. run!

    July 20, 2016 at 1:12 am

    from the little i know, if a man loves you he would move heaven and earth to make you happy, and not give you headache like this man is giving you. It’s either you have been a side chick all this while or the other lady has been. Please untie yourself from this situation especially as you have given your parents your word. Your own man will come. This doesn’t sound right and this guy is not man enough to be honest with you. Unless you want to marry this way without peace then run for your own good and ask God to help you forgive him and heal. Best wishes!

  3. I

    July 20, 2016 at 1:12 am

    Too much wahala/drama. I don’t think it is worth it You made the right decision, girl. You feel peace- that’s a sign. Listen to your parents and don’t go back.

  4. Hadee

    July 20, 2016 at 1:14 am

    You did the right thing even if you don’t fully realise it right now. The guy is trying to have his cake and eat it too. A guy that is not honest and straightforward and can’t give you security in the relationship, does not really love you.

    You are heartbroken now but it will get easier. Just keep busy, think positive, try new things and go out and meet new people. You will be ok eventually. Time heals. Don’t go back to that guy cos he does not deserve you. If he truly loves you, he will be trying to get you back and he won’t be seeing other girls.

  5. Me

    July 20, 2016 at 1:15 am

    I know it’s not easy….but Please do yourself an unregretable favour, run from him and fly away from his mother.

  6. Richlove

    July 20, 2016 at 1:16 am

    My dear move on. You’re not even married let and look at the drama/emotional abuse you’re already going through.

    Move on. The world is a big place. Trust me when I say you will find better. Never settle for less than you deserve. You sound like a smart girl. Please use your head.

  7. Ije

    July 20, 2016 at 1:21 am

    ….”She calls him always and even does my duties better than I do and on few occasions, he has shoved it in my face”
    I didn’t read past this. You know why? You owe no duties to this man. No one. He is not your husband and you are not his slave. And whatever he shoves in your face, you don’t have to take. You are young. Move on. This is the advise I would have given my 24 year old self.

    Good luck.

    • Ije

      July 20, 2016 at 1:22 am

      *Not one

  8. nwa nna

    July 20, 2016 at 1:22 am

    Words for for the wise, luv does not conquereth all, se o gbò òrò mi!! Save yourself a world of pain and leave while your dignity and sanity are still both intact!!
    The signs are already allover the place and you choose to ignore them & remain in lala land, this is a war you cannot win…
    My dear, a word is enough for the wise… Goodluck!

    • Sissy

      July 20, 2016 at 6:25 am

      Love actually conquers all. People do not understand the meaning of love. In love is self respect to know to set boundaries with toxic people (including walking away).

    • Iris

      July 20, 2016 at 6:41 am

      Ehn the one we understand does not conquer all abeg lol.

  9. Steffy

    July 20, 2016 at 1:30 am

    Please help! what email adress do i send my dear aunt Bella story. Thanks

    • tee

      July 20, 2016 at 10:41 am

      oooh, NOT AGAIN

    • Ob

      July 20, 2016 at 7:23 pm

      Shut up

    • Yeyeperry

      July 20, 2016 at 3:39 pm

  10. Sade

    July 20, 2016 at 1:33 am

    Please my dear, use your HEAD in this situation. Love is strong, but not strong enough to tie yourself into a life time of misery. Move on, someone who wI’ll appreciate you better as well as his family will come your way you are still young. Don’t become miserable because of love that is meant to make you happy.

  11. Meme baby

    July 20, 2016 at 1:39 am

    Bella, you need to switch these stories up..
    AuNty we are age mate but wodifok!! What duties are you doing pls??! I got tired of reading after his mom warned you to stay away no vex. Pls leave them alone.. All of them.. Find your self and invest in you.. Your man will find you and not put you in a confused situation .. Know your worth (+tax).. ??

  12. Zikky

    July 20, 2016 at 2:45 am

    ???????????????????? I am sorry I am laughing but trust me it’s not at your predicament bc it’s very legit, it’s the way you narrated it. BNers , y’all mean none of you found this piece funny???

    Anyways, on to the matter, how old are you? Bc apart from your style of narration, you came off really childish. That’s not to say your concerns are not valid oooh bc they are. So to answer you, use your head here and move on. Forget about him. Someone better and deserving would come along bc if you go back, that’s just your fear of being single and the fear that you might not find another man making you go back and not love. So to borrow his words, you should let sleeping dogs lie sha …hihihi.

  13. Kelechi

    July 20, 2016 at 4:06 am

    Go and watch war room.

    • jhennique

      July 20, 2016 at 7:26 am

      all ye war room voltrons can please like to shut up already! Whats all this???

    • ScarletXi

      July 20, 2016 at 10:26 am

      Y’all should leave war room out of this mess abeg. War room was not made for everyone. It’s a faith-based movie, emphasis on faith, Christian faith. Not for every Tom, dick and Harry facing relationship challenges. Which isn’t even what the movie is about.
      The movie is about the strategies for prayer and the power of effectual prayer. Thanks for the publicity but enough already.

    • Idomagirl

      July 20, 2016 at 10:19 am

      War Room ontop man wey no be her husband?

  14. Tosin

    July 20, 2016 at 4:19 am

    I stopped reading at “and on few occasions, he has shoved it in my face”
    Did you come to this life to suffer?

  15. Oprah

    July 20, 2016 at 6:33 am

    Have you ever heard of a wife getting home and her bags are packed outside the house, and a new wife is in the house, and the Mother In Law is claiming the old wife is the reason for all the failure the husband experienced since he got married. You my dear, are a few years away from that drama if you spend one more second thinking about this man.

    Sweetheart, there is something really strange this family is up to. Him and his mother are very somehow. They will ruin you life, your family’s lives and the lives of your future children. This ain’t regular acting up. This is straight up kolo. Delete him from your life forever.

    • pheecatkj

      July 20, 2016 at 8:38 am

      God will bless you plenty much Oprah.

  16. kaziblake

    July 20, 2016 at 6:54 am

    You aren’t his slave or wife so he doesn’t have the right to tel you what to do…Don’t even try to go back to him.

  17. jhennique

    July 20, 2016 at 7:28 am

    Ogbeni better mind your self and stay where you are. Go back to what if i may ask? I hope years from now you will read this story and laugh at the foolishness of it. Let yourself be guided by commonsense in this situation.
    you think you dont deserve crap then dont let any man give you crap. RUN!

  18. Abuja Bored Girl

    July 20, 2016 at 7:50 am

    My gurl I’m sorry to say this but you’re very stupid. I wonder when girls will begin to have sense. My dear you were only dating yourself. Is your boyfriend now a prize that you have to fight for??? What is the meaning of “you’re not doing your duties??? Get out of that mess you call a relationship RIGHT NOW, before you lose what is left of your dignity and self esteem. I just hope you’re not sleeping with him? Double loss
    You know dude is cheating on you, yet you don’t mind taking him back?
    Let me tell you, that guy has no iota of respect for you, if you make the mistake of marrying him, unfaithfulness will be the order of the day in your home. Moreover babe, love is not enough for a relationship/marriage.
    Memoirsofanabujaboredgirl.blogspot.com

  19. Ese

    July 20, 2016 at 8:19 am

    As in!! Ahn ahn, the drama is too much na..when its not like you’re in nollywood..and you’ve not even married him yet. Na wa o! I went through similar stuff..it was hard breaking up, I even cried when I was breaking up with him but I knew I had to do it..no young person should have to go through so much drama..its not good for mental health..seriously!

  20. beauty

    July 20, 2016 at 8:23 am

    Please stick to the promise you made to your parents about staying away from him and actually stay away from him. A relationship that would lead to marriage is usually peaceful despite normal issues that may arise. If you’re not at peace with the whole thing, then it’s not meant for you.

  21. AANUOLUWAPO OYEDELE

    July 20, 2016 at 8:45 am

    marriage is enough to worry about but adding ds drama to it may be death sentence, pls flee from that toxic relationship, when u marry him u will be chocked to death

  22. Las

    July 20, 2016 at 8:45 am

    Is this what you want to do for the rest of your life? She said, he said? Remember that people rarely change, save the holy spirit and some life-altering occurrence. You are 24, what’s this rush to find the one when it is obvious you haven’t even found yourself? Love is a choice and we must always be rational when making choices.

  23. LEM

    July 20, 2016 at 9:28 am

    This is why youngsters should not be reading M&B and watching some so called romantic movies. Boy and girl meet, initially start having fights, along the line a third party (either male or female) enters the equation and bingo a romantic triangle is formed. Along the line however, Romeo or Juliet discovers that na his/her one true love is Mr or Mrs A, then they meet, kiss and ride off into the sunset (The end). Sounds so sweet and romantic right? it is a big fat satanic lie. If you have to continuously question your relationship due to third party or even potential in laws, then please it is not worth the drama! Marriage is hard enough, to add all these issues even before you say ‘I do’ my dear that is sentencing yourself to lifetime sorrow and regret.

  24. Idomagirl

    July 20, 2016 at 10:20 am

    Isn’t it obvious that this guy and his family are up to no good?
    Dem never marry you dem don dey display like this, abeg waka.

  25. delaine

    July 20, 2016 at 10:21 am

    Use neither your head nor heart. Your legs will be a better option.. Love problems since 2BC. Kilode?

  26. Cookie

    July 20, 2016 at 10:51 am

    You met him in September and started dating him in October… In 10months even though you are not yet his wife,your wifely duties are being questioned.
    “She calls him always and even does my duties better than I do and on few occasions, he has shoved it in my face – that I was not doing what I should be doing but rather his friend was.”

    My question to you is in the 10months you have been together,how many times has he prayed for you? Has he been performing his “duties” to you? Is he or has he been doing what he should be doing for you? Has he loved you and treated you the way a man should? How many times has he helped your own mom cook in the kitchen? How many times as he asked you about your goals? How has he helped you with achieving your life goals? How many times has he prayed for you?

    In just 10months,you are already his mom’s cook,you intercede for him,and perform all other duties,your parents are also involved in this drama,with all due respect,its more crap than drama..
    You seem to be loosing yourself just because of a man,who doesn’t even care about you…@24 there are bigger and better things you can do with your life,other than being entangled in this kinda rubbish situation…You need to respect and love yourself,before getting into another relationship. Go find yourself girl,your post is disappointing and annoying…You already know the answer to the question you asked us…It’s as simple as A B C.

    You can take him back,we will be here to read another post from you few months down the line…

  27. Bey

    July 20, 2016 at 11:02 am

    24…………………. all I can say is you are too young for dis shit, this ur relationship even if u patch things up will still end. Your parents have smthn they are seeing in him.
    Every relationship dat I had,dat my mum didn’t like the guy. It all ended badly. At a point I was wondering is dis woman swearing for me not to marry..
    The only guy she had peace with, was d person I eventually married.
    Pls get out now, ur too young. Focus on God, ur career and ur happiness. This guy is going to drag u down. Before u know it, u are pregnant and stuck. His mum is even givn u issues? At 24, nahhhh girl I cant deal biko.

  28. Cookie

    July 20, 2016 at 11:09 am

    Even if at 24 you have become all you want to be in life… You owe it to yourself to be with someone who shares same values with you,someone who respects you,someone who values your friendship and input. Someone who isn’t about you giving all of yourself,but also brings something to the table…Think about that.

  29. Congruency.

    July 20, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    The woman in the picture used by BN looks like the mother of the guy not his love interests. Looks like a mom fed up with her stubborn, un-listening son.

  30. Sisi

    July 20, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    Aunty ‘Sense’ up the top, I can’t reply you direct but are you ok? I think you had better find something to preoccupy your own time rather than playing a silly ‘role’ to a ‘friend’ who has a girlfriend who is not comfortable with you. Whilst her issue should never be with you it seems you are deriving some pleasure from their situation which makes you sound like a………………………At aunty poster please respect yourself and do the right thing. In this life nothing is by force, especially not love……..don’t force it babe.

    • Sisi

      July 20, 2016 at 2:21 pm

      Apologies Aunty ‘Sense’ it’s actually Yeyeperry I was meant to reply.

  31. Choices

    July 20, 2016 at 3:26 pm

    I am a woman in a committed relationship. I have male friends that I had way before I met my boo and my boo also has a few female friends he had way before meeting me. However, I don’t call my male friends frequently. We touch base once in a while because we are busy with our lives and when we do so, we catch up on everything. Same thing goes for my boyfriend’s female friends. I know them. First of all they are only 3. 2 are married and one is engaged. We all know each other, and know the nature of our relationships and respect our boundaries. Never for once have I felt insecure. If the man has the nerve to say she does things you don’t do and even give that woman the power to disrespect you, you need to leave. You can’t fight for a man’should love. You haven’t even married him. I have been in a similar situation and I can tell u from experience that when a man loves you, is serious with you and is invested in you, you won’t question it, neither would you need a bellanaija post.

  32. Yummychickcummummy

    July 20, 2016 at 3:55 pm

    “Ko le werk”… Unless u r down for Fuji house of commotion… Receive sense and u use ur head!

  33. mims

    July 20, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    Which kind mumu story be this? Why are some women so dumb in 2016? How do you stay in a relationship like this? Shiorrrr!

  34. Bide

    July 20, 2016 at 8:44 pm

    Hi Bella………… Whats the email to send in an an aunty bella issue.

  35. Tobby

    July 21, 2016 at 5:35 am

    Use your head
    Think ahead
    If you find a rib that doesn’t fit…stop trying to make it work, it’s not yours…Let it go to avoid further complications
    To whom brain is given, sense is expected
    Poster receive sense in Jesus name. Amen

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