Aunty Bella: Mrs. My Best Friend is Too Close to my Husband

Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

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Dear Bella,
Honestly I’m not sure what’s going on in my marriage. Sometimes, I think I’m losing my mind for no reason. Then again, I feel something really wrong is going on. Let me give a bit of background. I’m in my early 30s and I’ve been married for about 3 years without kids. My husband and I live in a European country and we have a great relationship. I have a BFF, let’s call her X. She’s about my age but older by two years. Our parents worked for the same oil company and were very friendly with each other. We both went to the same secondary school in Nigeria, ended up in the West together for uni and have had loads of fun times together. She knew my husband from the days of toasting to dating and marriage. To be fair to her, she has been so supportive. When I had no one or money difficulties as a student, she was there for me in a way no one could. A friend who is closer than a sister.

My problem is with her closeness with my husband. My husband and I are not from the same tribe. When marrying overseas, you can’t be filtering for tribe. However, X is from the same tribe as my husband. Sometimes, the way they gist in their local dialect makes me uncomfortable, always laughing crazily like teenagers. In all my years of marriage, I haven’t enjoyed that the banter that they have. Whenever when they discuss in English like when we all hang out together, I feel like the third wheel. Sometimes, my gut tells me she is flirting with him with her general body language and the way she makes faces at him. The fact that X was she was a wild chic at university just makes uneasy. My husband doesn’t even seem to restrain her or himself, like I think a married man should. She hasn’t done anything overt. It is the nudging him in the ribs, the rubbing of his head or even gentle tugging of his beard that is making me go crazy. The way she laughs at his jokes; jokes that are not even funny. She is too damn relaxed in his presence. She has even this nickname for him in their dialect. When my hubby got a promotion and we all went out to eat, X came to the restaurant dressed to the nines and wearing this incredible fragrance. Then she gave him this bear hug that I felt lasted for too long. I don’t feel all this is normal but I don’t want to be a prude.

I know she is not seeing anyone, she would tell me if so. Her life has been a bit scattered so she hasn’t cultivated a serious relationship. She’s prettier than I am and I know she shouldn’t have any problem attracting guys.

What can I do? I can’t just cut her off abruptly or ban her from her house. It would be odd and besides, we have a lot of mutual friends. To be fair to my husband, he hasn’t given me any tangible reason to be suspicious but you know what they say about naija men. I don’t know of anytime they have been in the same place without my knowledge. But he is not helping matters the way he always invites her for events or compliments her or things like that. I can’t confront husband because I may be making a mountain out of a mole-hill. The last thing I want is to be called a jealous wife. I can’t tell my parents because they never supported my marriage from the outset (tribal issues) and I want to prove them wrong.

I already have enough stress from work and trying to start a family. I feel so worn out. What do I do?

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