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Aunty Bella: Mrs. My Best Friend is Too Close to my Husband



dreamstime_m_30435408Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

Dear Bella,
Honestly I’m not sure what’s going on in my marriage. Sometimes, I think I’m losing my mind for no reason. Then again, I feel something really wrong is going on. Let me give a bit of background. I’m in my early 30s and I’ve been married for about 3 years without kids. My husband and I live in a European country and we have a great relationship. I have a BFF, let’s call her X. She’s about my age but older by two years. Our parents worked for the same oil company and were very friendly with each other. We both went to the same secondary school in Nigeria, ended up in the West together for uni and have had loads of fun times together. She knew my husband from the days of toasting to dating and marriage. To be fair to her, she has been so supportive. When I had no one or money difficulties as a student, she was there for me in a way no one could. A friend who is closer than a sister.

My problem is with her closeness with my husband. My husband and I are not from the same tribe. When marrying overseas, you can’t be filtering for tribe. However, X is from the same tribe as my husband. Sometimes, the way they gist in their local dialect makes me uncomfortable, always laughing crazily like teenagers. In all my years of marriage, I haven’t enjoyed that the banter that they have. Whenever when they discuss in English like when we all hang out together, I feel like the third wheel. Sometimes, my gut tells me she is flirting with him with her general body language and the way she makes faces at him. The fact that X was she was a wild chic at university just makes uneasy. My husband doesn’t even seem to restrain her or himself, like I think a married man should. She hasn’t done anything overt. It is the nudging him in the ribs, the rubbing of his head or even gentle tugging of his beard that is making me go crazy. The way she laughs at his jokes; jokes that are not even funny. She is too damn relaxed in his presence. She has even this nickname for him in their dialect. When my hubby got a promotion and we all went out to eat, X came to the restaurant dressed to the nines and wearing this incredible fragrance. Then she gave him this bear hug that I felt lasted for too long. I don’t feel all this is normal but I don’t want to be a prude.

I know she is not seeing anyone, she would tell me if so. Her life has been a bit scattered so she hasn’t cultivated a serious relationship. She’s prettier than I am and I know she shouldn’t have any problem attracting guys.

What can I do? I can’t just cut her off abruptly or ban her from her house. It would be odd and besides, we have a lot of mutual friends. To be fair to my husband, he hasn’t given me any tangible reason to be suspicious but you know what they say about naija men. I don’t know of anytime they have been in the same place without my knowledge. But he is not helping matters the way he always invites her for events or compliments her or things like that. I can’t confront husband because I may be making a mountain out of a mole-hill. The last thing I want is to be called a jealous wife. I can’t tell my parents because they never supported my marriage from the outset (tribal issues) and I want to prove them wrong.

I already have enough stress from work and trying to start a family. I feel so worn out. What do I do?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime


  1. Naijatalk

    October 23, 2016 at 11:50 am

    You know what they say, looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it is a duck. How close and comfortable are you with discussing sensitive issues with your husband?
    Can you guys move out of state?

    • Marlvina

      October 23, 2016 at 4:45 pm

      @The writer, my dear are you waiting for angels to descend from heaven with trumpets in their hands to alert you that your husband and bestie are sleeping together? You want to catch them red-handed first before you take these signs seriously? Okay o!

    • abby

      October 24, 2016 at 2:47 am

      Thank you ojare. She wants to catch gonorrhea because of shyness. Better speak out and shame the devil. They are having an affair or are about to embark on one. They may be waiting for you to die but they may get impatient.
      Call her and your husband out, stop trying to be nice pls. Or if you prefer, continue to play nice and gentle, then you will see where the rubber hits the road when they both begin to make out in your presence. Then you will leave the house for them. Is this what you want?

    • lala

      December 29, 2016 at 1:03 pm

      aswear! girls are not smiling. i just started dating this guy. and we were having lunch with this so called new “friend” of mine. and in a quick glance i saw her wink at my man. kia kia. i told him i dont want u talking to her n we stopped hanging out with her. men are usually putty in the hands of the woman the love so he listened. dont be shy to communicate ur fears and doubts with him cus what they say about a womans intuition is so true

    • Not rocket science.

      October 24, 2016 at 1:22 am

      Your HUSBAND is the one who made VOWS to you before God, man and the state to be with you for LIFE and cherish you ABOVE ALL others.. Talk to your husband FIRST.

      Your friend and you made no such vows to each other and are not recognised as an entity by church or state. It would be nice but the reality is that you don’;t NEED to be (close) friends for life.

      Let your husband know EXACTLY how you feel. (By the way, ALL your concerns are perfect;ly LEGITIMATE and RIGHTFUL.) Tell your husband to put himself in your shoes; tell him to imagine it is you, his WIFE, that his best friend, another MAN, is stroking on the head, is stroking on the cheek (since you don’t have a beard), is speaking and laughing hysterically with in a another language that you don;t speak neither understand, being bear-hugged by just a little too long and enveloped in his strong aftershave and tight t-shirt with the slashed open chest.; is given and called continuously by a nickname (ANOTHER MAN giving his own WIFE a name/nickname! is it not only those who have paid bride price/prostrated with their friends and family in front of prospective in-laws, gone through all the required rigour, etc that have the honour of giving ther new wives/brides a special new name (known &) used only between the two of them? Is it, also, not lovers who give each other pet names? Is it not, also, blood brothers and blood sisters that give each other nicknames that EVERYONE in the family knows? When did ‘bestie’ and husband/spouse enter the secret naming authorised list? I hope you are not one of those foolish ones who organise their female friends to do ‘special dance’ for their groom at their wedding reception? and responds and answers to that name used only between you and his male friend/another man; is always inviting to events and activities with him, your husband, this male ‘bestie’ of his? Let your husband put on those shoes and see how he likes them. In fact, buy a pair of the ugliest ever shoes you can find in your size and give them to him to wear and walk in, then when he’s all contrite and repented and apologised and you have kissed and made up, tell him to throw the offensive shoes away in the dustbin for the trash collectors to pick up and take away since you have both committed that neither one of you will ever have to ‘wear’ such ever again. Try to go away together alone, even if only for a weekend, immediately after this talk. After the reconciliation with your brand-new husband and BEFORE you go away for a new honeymoon together, sit your so-called ‘bestie’ down and explain to her calmly exactly how you feel. Tell her to imagine the shoe was on the other foot. Tell her it is completely wrong, completely disrespectful and that you will NOT tolerate it anymore. Tell her you love and appreciate her and everything she’s done for you and the times you’ve both had together but that MARRIAGE is a difficult ballgame now and that while you hope to retain her friendship, and will still be a friend to her and there for her, you need to give your marriage PRIORITY now and work on some things and would appreciate that she give you, you and your husband, you and your marriage, you and your HOME (i.e. your house where you live with your husband) some space. She should communicate ONLY with YOU ONLY on YOUR phone. She should NOT call the house phone or any other communication device you share with your husband and let that policy apply across the board. tell her you need the space for about a year, one calendar year, twelve calendar months. You will all still meet at church and/or wherever/whatever mutual social events or at events by the mutual social circle or friends you mentioned. VERY IMPORTANT: she MUST apologise and express her sincere sorrow and regret fro making you feel that way and putting you in that position. If she is a true friend, whether she agrees with your assessment or not, the fact that she put you through all that pain, made you so unhappy and uncomfortable in your own marriage and home and with your own husband SHOULD make her feel bad and remorseful as A TRUE FRIEND no matter her own feelings and she SHOULD be looking for how to make things up to you. If she doesn’t do any of these: CUT HER OFF PERMANENTLY AND COMPLETELY WITHOUT A SECOND’S THOUGHT.

      Oh, and do not answer any questions she has on whether you’ve spoken to your husband also about it. Tell her to forget your husband and your marriage and just focus on you. Tell her to let what you decide to discuss with your husband or not be your own business. Don’t tell her your plans to go away together, don’t tell her your plans together (i.e. you and your husband) anymore.

      Also, IMPORTANT, your husband MUST block her number(s) from his phone and NEVER pick calls from her (at his office, anywhere), NEVER agree to meet up with her ANYwhere for ANY reason (even if it’s supposedly about you, to plan a nice surprise for you to say sorry, etc, even if she’s having an emergency, he should tell her to call any of your mutual friends or call any of the others in your social circle himself to go meet her and sort out her emergency; he shouldn’t call anyone to go and meet up with him where she says, thinking there’ll be someone else, another guy there, so, it should be okay. People have been known not to show up/arrive, even after saying they were on their way, or, only to arrive when it was too late and the deed was done. Your husband should NEVER go and meet her for any reason. Let him call friends, social services, emergency services, and most of all, INFORM YOU instead of going to meet with her.) He’s still her friend BUT only when you all meet socially outside your home at other people’s events. You and her can (depending on her reaction when you have THE TALK with her) still be friends, go on girl dates (no girl weekends away unless you want your husband to start having those with his male friends) , lunches, shopping, cinema, celebrate her birthday, yours, work promotions, etc together but meet up outside/away from your house/marital home.

      REMEMBER, there is just that little offchance, she might not be aware of what she’s doing or might not have taken it so seriously, so, don’t start out coming at her swinging and hostile and aggressive. Speak to her as your friend, as your bestie, calmly explain exactly how you feel, and calmly. lovingly and firmly explain and lay down the new rules. Only if, even in the face of you calm and civilisation (okay, civility), she gets all defensive and argumentative, or even hostile, and never, or, only grudgingly shows any empathy, remorse, regret, intention to make things up to you, doesn’t apologise, then, you can take all the gloves off (don’t fight physically or scream and shout, or use swear/bad words, o, please. no matter what the provocation. Dignity and self-respect is necessary. Just walk calmly away if need be). But remorseful or not, you MUST lay down the new rules and they MUST take immediate effect.

      Meanwhile, you and your husband start taking language classes together. Being abroad, it is unlikely you can find for his dialect. And, marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. It shouldn’t be automatic that it is YOU who has to learn HIS. HE should also seek to learn your dialect. Both of you go learn a new language e.g. French together, preferably one your ‘bestie’ doesn’t already speak.



    • biiiiiiiiii

      October 24, 2016 at 12:27 pm

      by the time she is done reading this epistle, bestie would av bn in her 3rd trimester for hubby. stop getting carried away. summarize!

    • Fisayo

      October 24, 2016 at 2:32 pm

      @biiiiiiii 3rd trimester?? Hahahahahaha

      ROTFLMAO!!!!! Girl, you’re hilarity! You’re hilarious! You’re Hilary sef! Biiiiii for President!!!

    • ATL's finest

      October 26, 2016 at 1:07 am

      @ Biiiiiiiiii lmao as in ehn who’s got time for all this???? Some commentators tho smh.. It’s not that deep abeg just take a breather @ Not a rocket science 🙂

    • beauty

      November 15, 2016 at 12:38 pm

      No disrespect but you just typed a book, lol!

    • Ag Ballotelli

      November 24, 2016 at 1:30 am

      Such a long piece my dear, but so captivating I literally read every single word. Nice, lovely advice. It couldnt have been put better. Cant remember the last time I truly enjoyed such a long piece; cuz instead of d length to make it boring, it seemed to lure me in until the very last sentence.

    • Somto

      October 24, 2016 at 11:03 am

      HMMMM. This one is small thing na. Who best friend help? All you girls that will be packing friends like gala, this is the shit you expose yourself to. Saying you have mutual friends…hahahahahha. Very funny. Better cut the chic off! What rubbish? Is she stupid? Doesnt she know there are some lines you dont cross? Which one is touching his beard? I swear you sef deserve kick for allowing things get this bad.

      Dont cut her off. Keep giving her free rein all over your bobo. Iranu.

      When i turned 30, friends automatically reduced. Maybe cos all those unnecessary hang outs werent for me anymore. I was too tired after work to sustain different conversations and weekends were for family and the one friend that really mattered. Thank God she is the kinda friend i can see 2x in a month and you will think we see everyday.

      Girls better give yourselves brain.

    • lala

      December 29, 2016 at 1:07 pm

      this is wh i havent kept any long term bffs since sec school. the only one close enough to being bff is ugandan. shes based in another country entirely where we wont get tired or clingy with each other. cant stand some naija girls as friends. thy are to envious, bossy, pushy, jealous and vindictive, gossips, mean and a lot of them are boo snatchers. at least thats what i remember from secondary/primary school most of the ones here are hello/hi goodbye n i keep private details about my life away from them.

    • lala

      December 29, 2016 at 1:09 pm

      those kinds of friends are the best! dont see that much but when u do its all good. its too much drama and effort than its worth having females in ur business everyday. they a lot of jezebels and pure evil in female bodies walkin this earth

    • Fleur

      October 24, 2016 at 2:57 pm

      Well, here is what I have to say. First, find your confidence – dont let him define when you are happy and when you are not happy. Second. ask your friend if she thinks her bahaviour is strange and should concern you. Just ask casually and tell her how it looks to you. if she is really your friend and this is an honest situation in which she forgot the context. she will check herself and apologize. Some people are not good at reading the unwritten language in the room. Finally, just tell your husband that you cannot help it but that their giggles make you jealous. Tell him the specific observations that trigger jealousy. Ask him what his reaction is to your observations. If he trivializes it or gets angry, then start worrying. If he agrees with you that maybe it could possibly not look right from your angle, then he is your man 100%. Dont jump into this issue filled with hot air and ready to explode. Wade carefully because if there is something, you want to know. If there is nothing, you also want to know.

    • Amaka

      October 27, 2016 at 1:27 am

      I think you are being too careful. When we got a nanny that I was just a year older than, I discussed my fears and wisdom nuggets with my husband. I told him that God can provide a blessing for you and you can abuse it. If you have a husband who is not Born again, you need to pray and separate them stylishly. Even if it is not what you think, I personally can’t stand that kind of familiarity. He is now married and I don’t care if your friend knew every single thing. She needs to respect that institution. Even husband’s sisters become careful when their brothers get married. They can’t just go jump on his matrimonial bed.

    • My two cents

      November 14, 2016 at 12:01 pm

      Dear Poster, so much advice has been posted and I hope you are able to sieve through the valuable ones.

      My simple advise is this. End that ‘friendship’ because that lady is not your friend. She has no respect for your marriage and appears to want to steal your man. I have come to learn that no friendship is set in stone and you will survive when it ends for the right reasons. You don’t owe her any explanations or apologies. Just ghost her abruptly and purposefully. She isn’t worth your home. And no you won’t be a prude if you take such seemingly drastic measures.

      Secondly it might be wise to have a word with your hubby and gently let him know your fears. If you can delete her number from his phone and help him to help restrain himself otherwise you might be the one leaving your home for another woman. If he loves you he should take a step back and curtail the closeness.

      Lastly please take it all to God and pray and fight for your home. Pls be wise. It is well with your home.

  2. jefka

    October 23, 2016 at 11:53 am

    My dear, you are lazy and very annoying.
    So you cannot spice things up in your marriage abi? Have you tried to learn their dialect? Or wear something nice for your husband? And that friend, have you sat her arse down to talk to get woman to woman?
    Don’t be lazy, woman up and take control of your marriage……….

    • Iris

      October 23, 2016 at 1:35 pm

      Mtchew. We know your kind. To say you’re a token chauvinist troll would be an insult to chauvinism (whether you’re male or female). I assume you were there when she ‘refused’ to learn the dialect and didn’t want to spice things up. Naturally, the right thing for her husband to do is to go outside and find a woman who can speak his language and the right thing for her friend to do is help the husband out. If you’re a woman I pity the women around you if this is the kind of advice you give.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 2:11 pm

      You are pathetic and disgusting.

  3. AceOfSpades

    October 23, 2016 at 11:56 am

    Flirting in your presence makes it hard kind of to talk about. In your absence would be another thing. Wild friend, pretty, no serious relationship, same tribe. I think this is a disaster waiting to happen.
    Women might not think this way but men don’t keep women bestie (only a man can tell me I’m wrong and he must have a female bestie to prove). One day he will notice how sexy she is and dang….you’ll be writing chronicles to SDK.

    • Oyinade

      February 17, 2017 at 12:14 pm

      lol, so right at writing chronicles to SDK.

  4. Queen of Sheba

    October 23, 2016 at 11:57 am


    I’m convinced your friend likes your hubby and your hubby likes her as well. Don’t try to ignore any signs at all, you need to speak your mind out. Let your friend know you not comfy with the whole mushy mushy closeness…

    As for your husband, you also need to talk to him, some men are just like babies ?, they’ll pretend they can’t see or understand anything at first until the damage is done.

    Keep your marriage safe and get rid of bees & any pest that is hovering around.

    • Babeoflife

      October 23, 2016 at 12:39 pm

      Might not be the case. But since she has her doubts she should just be open about them. Assumptions and false expectations can kill!!

      So my friend and I used to go way deep before he got a babe and eventually married her. I’ll admit was tiny bitty sad I was losing my bff position but well someone else had major rights to that now, a very pretty worthy someone too. I knew this and I felt I adjusted accordingly.

      Fastforward to few months ago when a nasty confrontation that involved a lot of food splattering in public occurred (and that was legit the only tme I had seen Bobo this year sef). Apparently, she was never ok with our relationship and the efforts we put in to make sure she never felt uncomfortable about us was a waste. **serious face palm**

      I’lld hate to be in her shoes. I mean every woman deserves the peace and contentment the knowledge her man is only in pursuit of her brings. So me and the Bobo aren’t even texting each other anymore, well till she’s convinced he has eyes for only her and I’m not after her man (which I pray isn’t till eternity cuz I do miss my friend and really wish I could extend the relationship to his wife).

      I’m not one to go explaining myself to people but babe I need your mind to be at ease (I know you read BN). I do love your husband, I mean we go way back and have history and gist you were never part of and can’t be. Sorry, it’s the bro code man. I love your husband, I respect him and I think him awesomely awesome, but naa nothing romantic. Never was, never will. Plus I never intentionally cause people pain especially loved ones of loved ones. Just know this.

    • Dera

      October 24, 2016 at 7:34 am

      Please go and hide.
      Leave her and her marriage alone.
      I love your husband my foot and want to be your friend, yimu of life!
      Get something going on for your self and leave them alone!
      Ps, I don’t know you from anywhere but I dislike when people sound the way you do!

    • T

      October 24, 2016 at 9:24 pm

      @Babeoflife…you might not know it but you sound exactly like the friend the writer is referring to, which one is you love her husband, and she cannot be part of some gists you two have had in the past?pls stop seeing another woman’s husband as your best friend, since the guy didn’t marry you that’s the so called ‘best friend’ let him be…especially when his wife does not want you associating with her husband, it’s the same way you are feeling someone took your BFF away that the wife too will be feeling, and in this case, shes the WIFE…look for another BFF, i know you said you don’t communicate again but to avoid another ugly confrontation, it’s best you completely stay away!!! You even said you stopped texting at least till she feels comfy that you aren’t planning to have anything to do with her husband, then she’ll let her guard down and somehow you two will start texting again and something sparks up???? Nah…

    • Loki

      October 25, 2016 at 12:09 am

      Babeoflife- I get where ur coming from and where you are. However, tgat term “bro code” is offensjve in this case. Im a tomboy (to the extent people actually think I’m into chicks) and I understand what that means and I can tell you for free that you have a cruel streak in you whether you like it or not. What you want is for this lady to ACCEPT that there is a relationship her husband has with another woman that she can never be part of- which essentially means there’s a part of him that will belong to you to her exclusion, and you want her to be COOL with it. It’s cruel and selfish… No matter how much you think you’re “one of the guys”, you most definitely are not. You are not his bro. You are encroaching another woman’s space. You have to ACCEPT that he’s no longer yours, and you have to be COOL with it.

    • Responder

      October 25, 2016 at 6:28 am

      Babeoflife please free this woman’s husband. He is now married. Women like you cause alot of pain to other women. I should know.

    • Pearl

      January 21, 2017 at 12:03 pm

      Pls men are not finished in the world. Move ahead and get ur own boo and bff, create a history with him. Dat way u wnt be missing and loving another person’s husband. See d way u sounded in ‘ gist that u weren’t and won’t be part of dats d bro code” bro code kor sister code niii. Pls move ahead

    • ATL's finest

      October 23, 2016 at 2:59 pm

      @ Queen of Sheba me too. I hate jumping into conclusions but I’m convinced she’s got an eye for your hubby. Dear writer, u better take matters into your hands. Your hubby may just be thinking oh its nothing & that’s his wife best friend but one day u never can tell what will happen. In fact, u have tried if U have to accuse him seriously/jokingly just to get a reaction out of him, so be it. Some girls sef smh. Why can’t your best friend respect herself too and show U some damm respect???? Listen, U’ve got say something. Even if not to her, but to your hubby. And NOPE u won’t be creating friction because that’s your HUBBY. This issue is a piece of pie to handle if I were in your shoes instead of getting all worked up for her. BTW, does she act around you mutual friends hubby when she’s around them??? Always TRUST your inner gut. Actually, your hubby should be the one U need to ve a conversation with. U demand some respect & all that laughing, her always trying to steal the spot light ve got to stop daryln. I’m SO SORRY this is happening to U. I mean some girls just don’t get it ( like your BFF). I’ve my male cousins I’m VERY close to & once they get married, i’ve to respect their wives & above all RESPECT myself too. Yes we’re FAM but sometimes, keep it simply & i’ve to recall they r no more single & what use to be cool before may not b cool with their wives & that’s LIFE.

    • Fd

      October 24, 2016 at 3:49 pm

      True talk…. I have best friends (male) but immediately they get married I give them space, I mean space because most women will not like it when their husbands are very very close to another female colleague and seriously i will not also tolerate that. Women should know and learn this; stay off your bfs when they get hooked.

  5. Great Lady

    October 23, 2016 at 12:04 pm

    As Queen of Sheba said you need to confront the both of them. Let them know their closeness is annoying you, if you don’t nip this in the bud; it’s only a disaster waiting to happen.

  6. Nancy

    October 23, 2016 at 12:10 pm

    Talk to your husband

    • Somto

      October 24, 2016 at 11:15 am

      Do not talk to your husband. I repeat do not talk to him.

      Do not go and put thoughts in his head that werent there to begin with. The fights most men cant win is the one that begins in the mind. It might be that he allowed her flirty behavior because he thought you were cool with it. She is not his best friend. She is yours!

      Dont make the man start thinking of her that way. Hian . Do not talk to your husband.
      This is between you and the woman. Either you ask her to give your marriage space or you tell her to tone it down if you dont want to cut her off. ( i think you should cut her off. I cant get over her touching his beard. Thats a red flag) If she is your friend, she will do it with your husband being none the wiser.

      I have seen a case where a woman accused her husband of sleeping with the help. The poor man never looked at the girl that way until the wife saw the help as someone her husband could be attracted to. Then the thoughts came, and he started to wonder what it was about the girl that got his wife all insecure. Then he began to look at her more than usual (Now i think this was a movie), Anyways he started to sleep with her. Hell, if i am getting flak for something i didnt do, then i better do something to deserve the criticism!

  7. Abi

    October 23, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    Pray the woman away. There are so many things that we fight in the physical when all we need to do is pray fervently and in faith. Sort it out in the spirit.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 2:08 pm

      “Pray” “pray” “pray”. You people are disgusting. That is how you have been praying while your country and many families continue to fall apart/live in pain.
      You foolish black people always take religion too far and apply no wisdom whatsoever.

    • Owgie

      October 23, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      Talking about ‘your country’ and then calling yourself A REAL NIGERIAN. What a complete jerk off you are!! Such a joker you are!

  8. Bueberry

    October 23, 2016 at 12:25 pm

    Better let your friend and hubby know that you are not liking it at aaaaaaaaall!!

    • Tru

      October 24, 2016 at 7:12 am

      Thank you!!!! Goodness, if she really is your friend, let her know you are uncomfortable with the PDA. If she really is your friend, she will respect your feelings and chill. Also find a nice way to bring it up with hubby. If something doesn’t make you comfortable, he should be willing to try to accommodate your feelings.

  9. Abuja Bored Girl

    October 23, 2016 at 12:34 pm

    Well I told my dad this question of yours; asking for his opinion. He said you shouldn’t confront your husband just yet; else it would boomerang. That you should severe your friendship with that friend of yours. Severe it now.
    And that you should also pray, there’s nothing prayer cannot do. I’ll add that before confronting your husband, take him before God.
    Don’t be afraid, this is your home we’re talking about.

    • bella kids

      October 23, 2016 at 1:30 pm

      erm your Dad???

      I always knew there are plenty kids on this blog-hence the direction of the comments on sensitive issues

    • Tru

      October 24, 2016 at 7:14 am

      Er…i’m an adult and sometimes I ask my mom’s opinion oncertain issues like this. Do you honestly think her dad would be responding in this manner if he/she were a kid?

    • Sherlie Holmes

      October 24, 2016 at 7:50 pm

      No, unlike others who just speak out of their a$$ on here, she decided to speak to someone who would know better and give sound advice on this matter…her dad.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 2:06 pm

      Your dad is wrong and is one of the reasons Nigerian men are enabled and entitled. So the man that is TOLERATING it should not be confronted, but the friendship should be severed? Wonderful logic.

    • Natailia

      October 23, 2016 at 2:37 pm

      Why you so mad?!

    • Obinna

      October 23, 2016 at 5:15 pm

      That people take this clown seriously or that BN allows whoever she/he is baffles me the most.. U hate Nigerian men, shove it down your throat; dont steal attention from sensitive issues you repressed dumbskull.. And am back to scrolling up whenever i see tour name attached to any comment.. BN u can eat the comment as well

    • Yeyeperry

      October 24, 2016 at 8:48 am

      Radarada. Whether she is married to her best friend. Abi did she sign “till death do us part” with her best friend? Infact, maybe she should just pick the one that’s most important to her.

  10. GeeGee

    October 23, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    Oh dear. Honestly there is no nice way around this one… you need to put your foot down. Try to learn their tribe, politely interrupt them when they try to speak language in your presence and get them to switch back to English so you dont feel left out. Men can be ignorant about certain things concerning these kind of issues…. but your friend knows what she is doing and if she is a good friend and has respect for you she is not suppose to touching your husband’s beard and doing whatever else no matter how close they are. You may need to have a conversation with her and if she doesn’t want to be your friend after that just cause she has to respect herself a little bit then oh well that’s not a friend to begin with.

  11. Ladybird

    October 23, 2016 at 12:57 pm

    Personally I think it is rude/offensive if they keep communicating in a language that you don’t understand. They probably know you don’t speak the language as they do so why? is it meant to exclude you or what.. is she subtly trying to challenge you or what??? and having a personal nickname for him is a NO NO(this made me angry to read)!Your friend should know better…know her limits and not create awkward situations. When we make friends we need to make sure they are thoughtful, genuine and considerate. A true friend will exercise wisdom in all situations and particularly when it comes to married couples. Its a sacred entity different from typical boy-girlfriend relationships and not to be messed with. But Hmmmmm you should pray about it. Who knows..perhaps she has an agenda of her own. Better to deal with it as early as possible.

  12. o

    October 23, 2016 at 1:06 pm

    “She hasn’t done anything overt. It is the nudging him in the ribs, the rubbing of his head or even gentle tugging of his beard that is making me go crazy”. When she rubbed his head or pulled his beard, you did what? Na wa for some ppl o. To me you have no business with her. Talk to your husband. If he knows it’s making uncomfortable, he will nip whatever it is in the bud.

    I won’t even rub my brother’s head or pulled his beard, how much more my friends husband?? Hmm. Oju ni alakan fi sho ori

    • Yve

      October 24, 2016 at 12:23 pm

      Talk to your husband… would he like it if you and his best friend had your own coded language or rub your tummy etc? Abeg it should stop. As for your friend invite her only when you are at home not when your husband is around, as she doesn’t have any brain. And work on your self esteem. If her perfume and clothes are giving u panic attacks then work on your self.

  13. Madman

    October 23, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Nigerian women and stupid insecurities.

    A man who wants to cheat will cheat. Why not hook your friend up with someone?

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 2:04 pm

      And who told you he hasn’t cheated? You and your fellow stupid Nigerian rapists can go to hell.

    • madman

      October 23, 2016 at 2:20 pm

      Baby girl. Let’s exchange numbers. Iove your fiestyness. I am not a rapist. Never been and never have and never will be.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 2:49 pm

      “I am not a rapist”
      That’s exactly what a NIGERIAN RAPIST would say. You disgust me.

    • Real Nigerian senseless

      December 1, 2016 at 2:07 am

      This real.Nigerian goat it seems u are jobless baa going up and down talking trash.. With no sensible advice.. Nna let me advice you this site is not for foolish mistakes like you.. Real Nigerian senseless.

    • kilipot

      October 23, 2016 at 2:12 pm

      But that’s not her responsibility. Why should she be the one to hook her up with a man? I don’t get it.

    • madman

      October 23, 2016 at 2:21 pm

      Its called being proactive. Keep her busy with someone else.

    • Uberhaute looks

      October 23, 2016 at 10:53 pm

      None of my friend will ever try that because my husband respect me and our marriage, and my friends don’t overstep their boundaries.
      Talk to your hubby now! Communication is key. No more inviting your friend to private events and more… If both of them are still crazy, because they are both crazy, report your friend to her parents.. BTW, how did you two sustained your relationship before marriage? I think this actually started way before marriage…

  14. Iris

    October 23, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    There are only eleven comments so far and my blood pressure is already building. Pray her away kwa? You’re not the only one that can pray. As you’re praying her away, she too can be praying herself inside.
    I am not belittling prayer, but please help yourself. There may be nothing going on between them and nothing may ever go on, but their behaviours are inappropriate. I am saying this as a single person, so don’t think you’re a paranoid married woman. Her relationship with your husband should be primarily through you because they were not besties before you met your husband. Maybe mention politely that you’re not entirely comfortable with her familiarity with your husband. It is one thing to share an occasional joke, but the rib- nudging and beard pulling are unnecessary. If she has common sense and decency she should understand. It just isn’t appropriate even if it is harmless. Your husband is not blameless too, but this can be step one. The fact is if a man wants to be stupid and cheat, he will and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. However, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say something when you see something. You should not be feeling uncomfortable in your home or marriage.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 2:25 pm

      Your comment is getting only 2 likes while that idiot up there has 20+ likes. What kind of people visit this website?

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 24, 2016 at 3:58 pm

      Nne, I read that pulling beard sumtin and my eyes turned to mini-saucers… then my brain mentally started lining up all the husbands of my girlie besties &trying to ascertain which one of those men I could ever have tried that kain stunt with in a rare moment of insanity.

      Even my male bestie, who married in a rather pure state and wey don finally sabi wetin woman dey do inside bedroom. If I stroke abi pull his beard, no be trouble I dey find there?

      … some of the details of this letter makes me suspect this might be an SPDC pikin of those days, hence the soft-spoken approach to this growing conundrum. Make una no too vex with her, iz the aje wey dey inside blood wey no wan gree her to take prompt action… 🙂

      But @original poster… that girl you’ve described isn’t your friend. I’m a woman and there are things I know not to do to upset the balance of another woman’s peace. So, stop trying to smooth and pet your approach to raising this with her. And stop being afraid to have an open conversation with your husband, either. I’m not advocating you go about any of these conversations like a shrew but get your grown-woman panties on and face the problem you perceive squarely.

      All the best, hon. xx

  15. Papermoon

    October 23, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    Please tell your husband you are not comfortable with how close they are. Tell HIM to cut back on it. Mind you, you are not accusing him of anything. You think they are way too close for your comfort that’s all.

  16. bella kids

    October 23, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    1, I think you have a lot of insecurities..According to you, shes way prettier than you, she’s been a wild chic….. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. If he liked her more, he should have gotten married to her not you. You might need to upgrade yourself in terms of looks and being at your best

    2. You are letting your not having a baby yet get to you as well.

    3. You have probably made her so comfortable around your husband if she has known you for that long—toasting, dating, marriage…she has been a part of you people’s lives and history. You people are like a group of friends (while yours turned to a love affair)

    To be candid, she might even be your husband’s best friend/gisting partner while you are his love/wife.

    4. In as much as they need to watch the local dialect thingy when a 3rd party is there and doesnt understand, you cant totally prevent them from communicating in their dialect once in a while.

    5. Seems to me you are more of a reserved chic while your friend is vice versa. Seems to me you dress calmly, while she doesnt…from you stating she dressed to the nine. You might need to upgrade yourself as well..

    6. Your work is stressful and gets to you. Hope you have time for him…maturity is being able to balance every aspect of your life. Time for work, time for family, time for social life, time for adventure, time for hubby….etc.

    7. Dont confront hubby, dont confront your friend. If you do, you will cause a big problem. They have their own friendship bond as well and this may even make them to start doing coded cheating behind you( if they are not doing at the moment)

    8. What do you do?
    a. Prayer . solves everything, ask God to create a wall between them
    This could involve God opening another door for her and she has to move or you people, could involve she getting a partner of her own

    b. You can hook her up. If hubby has friends, hook her up with them. You and hubby can even plan this out. Once in a while, ask her about who she is seeing. Dont just assume she will tell you like you said.

    c. Start giving her small small attitude. If you call everyday/see everyday, reduce to like 2 times a week, Dont invite her for every event–you forgot no ni. When she starts seeing these, she will borrow herself brain

    d. Please upgrade yourself. You are fine in your own way dont think she is more than you. Dress smart and sweet, look good, give husband a run for his money, flirt with hubby as well. Isnt he your husband, if you cant flirt with him, who else will you flirt with. You seem like a good girl…but you can be *bad* for him

    Good luck

    • Des

      October 23, 2016 at 10:03 pm

      What rubbish is this one saying?

    • ode

      October 24, 2016 at 10:03 am

      Des, ode ni e

  17. Mum

    October 23, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    If I rub my husbands head or pull his beard, he knows I want the koko . My dear writer , use ur tongue n count ur teeth.

  18. A Real Nigerian

    October 23, 2016 at 2:02 pm

    Post my comment, goddammit!

  19. Roseline

    October 23, 2016 at 2:09 pm

    I know it isn’t easy since u are like sisters. Hook her with someone. And avoid outings with her and your spouse together. For goodness Sake you are a couple not a threesome. And very important speak to your spouse. He might not know he’s doing something wrong. If he treats her strictly she will back out.

  20. kilipot

    October 23, 2016 at 2:10 pm

    ?. La illah illah Allahu , k’ Olohun ma ba tiwa je ??. ???
    ” rubs his hair, pull his beard”. Now that’s crossing a MAJOR boundary.
    Here: Don’t let them drive you mad.
    . First of all, snoop around . Get into FBI mode You don’t sound like you don’t know what you are saying
    Honey, Find out and find out fast, then you ll know what next to do. For all we care there could be nothing BUT you really need to know for the sake of your sanity.

    • Aisha

      October 25, 2016 at 1:15 am

      @ Kilipot, you just made my day with your very funny comment. That mic though!

  21. A Real Nigerian

    October 23, 2016 at 2:23 pm

    Just look. Look. I’m pretty sure the husband and X are yoruba. Stupid arrogant people with needless ethnic pride, always sidelining people with their ear-piercing language.
    That said, your husband is a pathetic, generic NIGERIAN MAN-BEAST. They HAVE ALREADY cheated behind your back, you just don’t know it yet.
    Why didn’t you marry a European man? Nooo, instead you wanted to form “black is beautiful”, “Nigerian men can be different” “I believe in my people”. Now look. BEAUTIFUL EUROPEAN MEN are 500x less likely to cheat on their spouses compared to NIGERIAN MAN-BEASTS.
    This marriage is lost. The fact that your husband can even do this shows that he has no respect whatsoever for you. The sooner you realise that, the better. Since there are no kids, leave the marriage now.
    Stupid Nigerian Men. Disgusting creatures showing their subhuman behaviour everywhere they go. *vomits furiously*

    • Paul Adeyemo

      October 23, 2016 at 2:36 pm

      You are mad. Oloriburuku

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 3:14 pm

      And you are retarded.
      I have been noticing your stupidity on this website for a very long time. You are nothing more than a special breed of demon mentored by the devil himself. All your actions and comments prove beyond doubt that you are the stereotypical yoruba demon and rapist.
      I pity the unfortunate woman who is your partner.
      You and your foul army of NIGERIAN MEN who continue to oppress our women will soon meet your end.

    • ATL's finest

      October 23, 2016 at 3:02 pm

      You really need to get LAID & maybe that will help your stress level a little bit. I’m not Yoruba so I don’t care what U say about tribes ( I don’t play the tribe card) but they rate at which U categorize Nigerian men baffles me a lot. So, calm down & get some sleep aid too while U are at it.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 3:28 pm

      Did I tell you I am stressed?

    • mitt

      October 24, 2016 at 8:43 pm

      Stressed is an Understatement..I think she is depressed and needs ungent help.I said it before and i´d like to reapet again, at this rate soon or later HPB will be knocking at her door.

    • Majestic

      October 23, 2016 at 3:22 pm

      A real Nigerian indeed!

    • Owgie

      October 23, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      A FAKE Nigerian more like!!

    • Eniola

      October 23, 2016 at 9:37 pm

      Please note that this is not an attack on you, it is an observation. I think it is pretty sad that you have negative things to men or tribes. On majority of your comments, you spew a lot of vitriolic words. I understand you might not have come across the best people in life but if they turned you this bitter, you will keep having a negative effect on other people.

    • Corolla

      October 24, 2016 at 2:57 am

      @ A real Nigerian, you have deep issues! It’s not even funny anymore. Your evil thoughts towards Nigerian men is alarming, and I am scared that one day, you’ll go on a shooting spree and kill naija men…lol!. We all know that many Nigerian men have scoin scoin, but your genralization is way too extreme! Please, biko, dakun, find it in your heart to forgive the Naija man/men that damaged you. You owe it to yourself to get rid of this hatred.

    • EE

      October 24, 2016 at 3:12 am

      “Shooting spree”: When Jazz dey???

      So I’m the only one that finds Real Nigerian funny. Its clear she? is just reflecting the general mood of the comments section towards Nigerian men. You know like those Redditbots that aggregate comments to hilarious results.

      Out of hundreds of views, at most two, three come out to defend the reputation of Nigerian men. I’m forced to conclude that the majority lend her? their tacit support.

      But she’s clearly joking.

    • Ded

      October 24, 2016 at 8:22 am

      It’s a pity that so called educated people like you still reason like this. What has tribe got to do with this? You are such an idiot with a twisted sense of inferiority complex. You better grow up. Elucidate your points clearly in an objective manner and do not bring age old resentment for another tribe which clearly looks like you would have wished to be born as one of them. Grow up and be logical

    • memebaby

      October 25, 2016 at 3:18 am

      lol abeg real nigerian are you trolling right now ? i find your comments really amusing… what did your brothers (Niaja men) do to you ?

  22. Nene

    October 23, 2016 at 2:34 pm

    My dear be very careful. They might even be sleeping together

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 2:37 pm

      *they are sleeping together.

  23. Iyke

    October 23, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    It sucks to be you,dear poster but here’s the deal:… you can be the perfect lady for your husband….. treat him like gold,faithful to him… cherish his existence,empower him,build him up et al…9 times out of 10,if his heart doesn’t beat for you,he will still choose your friend.Shame but true.He doesn’t respect you,which is obvious and it’s your fault..
    You have thrown away your power…You have shown him that you are just another weak woman who NEEDS a man despite all your perfections.
    If you still love your man, then be the woman who turns him from a boy to a man.
    Be a strong woman and your gf will scram and husband loyal.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 3:24 pm

      See the advice that a FOOLISH NIGERIAN MAN is giving. Lord. Our men are lost. Useless rapists. *spits*

    • regina

      October 23, 2016 at 4:15 pm

      Stop calling Nigerian men rapists. It dosent speak well,

    • Curious

      October 23, 2016 at 4:55 pm

      @Iyke what sort of useless comment and advice be this? It’s her fault? Really dude, really? I really feel bad for the ones who read drivel such as what you just posted and take it seriously. Everybody don turn relationship guru….giving rubbish advice wey no make sense. My prayer for the lot of you in this coming year will be to receive SENSE!

  24. Not Bitter Kola

    October 23, 2016 at 2:54 pm

    That handshake is definitely extending to the elbow and you definitely need to nip it in the bud. Your friend is disrespectful and so is your husband. Address your husband, if he claims he doesn’t know, give him instances of times their nonsense play have made you uncomfortable. He’s urging your friend on, that’s why she’s still doing it. And I can understand how you may not want to make your friend feel bad cos she was there for you and all. But when it starts to get too much, address her also. Good luck on all forts

  25. aduke

    October 23, 2016 at 3:03 pm

    Get rid of that girl. Fast! Don’t be subtle. Make it clear she is not wanted around.

  26. Victor Adegoke

    October 23, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    The first thing you should do is to confront your hubby. And if he says ” there is nothing BTW them”. Then secondly confront your friend, and tell her ” you don’t like her closeness to ur hubby”. If nothing happens apply Prayer and force. When I say Force” unfriend your BFF” and give ur hubby close attention, physically,spiritually and Sexually”

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 3:27 pm

      I can see that all you useless NIGERIAN MEN are out in full force this afternoon.

    • regina

      October 23, 2016 at 4:20 pm

      Why do you hate Nigerian men

  27. GeeGee

    October 23, 2016 at 3:10 pm

    Why my comment was not posted here, I don’t understand.

  28. Gem

    October 23, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    Oh Iyke really?
    Because her husband disrespects her, it’s her fault? …And you said something about power tho, like she should be competing with her best friend for a man who vowed to love and cherish her? …and is that what what a grown ass woman should do for a grown ass man to prove her strength?…just woow.

    Dear poster,
    Speak to your husband and bare no words, don’t apply caution here, speak to him the way a man who acts immature is being spoken to. I don’t get why women are expected to hold these things to heart and try to be lovey-dovey about them. You are married to this man, you shouldn’t even ask for security, so wear your alpha-female regalia and demand for it!…Such insensitivity, gosh!
    *In my most emphatic Engrigbo voice* Chie ya ezigbo warning. Let him know you are not accommodating cha cha….and lastly, remind him of who he’s to you; your husband., just in case bestie rubbed his conjugal sense off him. It’s obvious he empowers those head rubs by the way.

    • Iyke

      October 23, 2016 at 3:55 pm

      @GEM,If by any chance your man doesn’t get scared of you even in your absence,be worried. When you talk about power over a man,it’s all about your self worth….. How does he see you?How you present yourself to a man is the way he would treat you… hence the reason it was her fault.(Please understand my point of view even if you don’t agree with me).
      Do not let any man take you for granted…Have a strong value of self worth that even in your absence,he will tremble to let you down.
      That’s what I call power over a man… Don’t give it away.

    • Iyke

      October 23, 2016 at 6:02 pm

      Most times, it’s better to be proactive than reactive….from the onset,draw the line to save yourself from this unnecessary embarassment from men…
      When a man decides to date you… you call the shots not him…..why???Because you are the treasure…you are the QUEEN. Don’t you know who you are?
      Why do you have to cry all night over our shenanigans?If you have any element of self worth,a man shouldn’t disrespect you.You shouldn’t allow it.
      He did what he did because there are no consequences.Poster is at fault for letting him take control of her power in the first place.
      Let me give you a little scenerio that happened to a guy that i know….He went on a date with this amazing and beautiful lady and messed it up by getting distracted with his phone….he was on a date with a girl and couldn’t STOP looking at his phone….(How rude and disrespectful)….He should hv known better.
      She quietly payed for her meals and walked out on him and his big ego.Had she allowed it,she would be here begging for advice from BN.
      Today dude with all his money and big abuja connection is still begging for another chance…She calls the shots now..
      Women,if only you know the power you have.
      Don’t be ordinary….you are worth more than that.

  29. brenda lee

    October 23, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    My dear this happened to me years ago. Best friend x like yours speaks same language with hubby. Im in the western world too. Her relationship with her boyfriend was falling apart. My hubby became the advisor, not I. Several things happened, but one day hubby went out to help her move her bed out of her apartment by 4pm and didnt return till 2am. I questioned it and hubby didnt speak with me for 3 days. Supposed best friend stopped calling me. You need prayers and wisdom. You have something unpalatable growing btw them. Becareful the way you react, if u speak too soon you will be labelled a bad friend by your ” blind” hubby…he sure knows whats up!

    • anonymous

      October 23, 2016 at 4:28 pm

      . . . but one day hubby went out to help her move her bed out of her apartment by 4pm and didnt return till 2am


      How long does it take to move ONE bed?

    • Not rocket science.

      October 24, 2016 at 12:22 am

      WHY should anyone’s HUSBAND be helping ANY other woman move a BED?

      And, especially for a BED, if your husband is a carpenter or interior decor/home furnishings supplier, your SINGLE female friends must NEVER be his clients. NEVER.

    • Ajala & Foodie

      October 24, 2016 at 1:28 am

      @ Brenda lee, you no finish the matter ooo… So after the 3rd day what did hubby have to say??? Yes, I know it is aproko things I am doing.

      I am just curious, what is this trend of people being scared of talking to their spouses, no matter how irrelevant the topic may be??? This person should be the closest person to you in every way. They are “all up in your every business” figuratively and otherwise. If you cannot speak with your partner about your insecurities, both real and imagined, then, why are we getting married to these people? (These goes for both men and women). My best friend is my spouse, any other long lasting friend is secondary and if I feel there is an issue to be addressed; I am addressing them with him: I took vows with my spouse not with my friend, She will only be made aware of our decision after we have agreed on the issue.

    • Mama

      October 24, 2016 at 8:56 am

      That is the way of Nigerian marriages. You should fear him like a god. When I read such advice, I just smh. So couples can be intimate and know all the nooks and crevices on each others bodies, including stinky morning breath, but when it comes to addressing serious issues the woman has to pray first and walk on egg shells before she can talk to her own husband. Incredulous!

  30. Anon

    October 23, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    I wish I was a Nigerian man. When you’re doing something wrong it’s up to the wife to fix it and alter herself and everything around her to beg me into doing the right thing. If the roles were reserved even the women commenting would have told the man to dump his wife and take the children for DNA testing. Just imagine

  31. Author Unknown

    October 23, 2016 at 3:48 pm

    You know what’s stopping women from advancing as a demographic? Distrust. Feminism will never uplift women because men are not the real problem. Other women are. There’s nothing you’ve said to suspect cheating, unless closeness automatically means cheating to you. If you call this person your BFF, especially in a foreign land, how do you not expect them to be close friends?

    On a less serious note, I’m happy to hear you admit that your husband cracks dry jokes. Wait a minute, maybe you didn’t get it because they were speaking Urhobo, and you thought it was English. Lol. Relax, girl.

    • Green

      October 23, 2016 at 4:06 pm

      She did not mention anywhere that he is Urhobo.

    • Niola

      October 23, 2016 at 4:27 pm

      @author unknown she didn’t mention Urhobo. .are you the BFF? If so please leave someone else’s man alone.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 4:38 pm

      This is an exceptionally foolish comment.

    • fabulicious

      October 23, 2016 at 4:40 pm

      Yeye dey smell. where did you see her say they speak Urhobo. If you are that BFF you better borrow sense and get yourself a man or find a sex toy because nobody has time to waste prayers on you and that man.. What will be coming for you if you are the one is Sango and his allies.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 4:45 pm

      Bellanaija, please consider placing permanent bans on all these foolish NIGERIAN MAN-BEASTS who cannot offer any sensible advice and always find a way to blame the woman or say she should work on herself. It is never the man’s fault, and even if it is, it is the woman who must make efforts to fix it.
      Please, what kind of foolish mentality do these idiot men in our country have? Disgusting, subhuman, chauvinistic losers.
      Ban the likes of Paul Adeyemo, LemmeRant, Madman and that idiot Egghead.
      Stupid men. All they know how to do is rape and cheat.

    • Nwando

      October 24, 2016 at 1:11 am

      Dear Real Nigerian,

      I know who you are. Whatever he did to you is not enough for you going around like a retarded individual. If relationship or situationships don’t work out doesn’t mean you should go around acting crazy. Get some help, you might think this is a joke but it’s a disorder that can be treated with medicine. Yes we have heard naija men are evil, it have do, it don do. It’s okay. Get treated or talk to a shrink. It helps. Pouring out your frustrations on comment section surely doesn’t give you the peace you so desperately need.

      Dear Poster,
      I advice you to talk to your husband. Communication is important, just be very careful how you broach the subject, and keep a respectable distance from this friend. Separate your friendship with her from your hubby. My two cents.

    • slice

      October 23, 2016 at 5:44 pm

      People talking about a friend like you can just pick one from the market. Absent, any reason to think something is going on,vyour friend may just be unduly touchy touchy. I bet she touches you all the time as well. Best to subtly let her know when she’s crossing your lines. I’m not a fan of people excluding their spouses by speaking a different language but I’ve seen it done so many times with nothing going on. Sometimes it’s just a bad habit people have. So calm down. Of course be observant, but don’t insult your friend or your husband with unfounded suspicions

    • Nahum

      October 23, 2016 at 6:27 pm

      See how you exposed yourself, otondo. Abeg free feminism jor, you are using the bonds of sisterhood to tear a home apart. I hate women like you. Bad friend!! Ole!!!

    • Author Unknown

      October 23, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      Interesting how I’m now being accused of being the BFF in this fictional story and being attacked for using Urhobo in my response. Are y’all really that dumb? Someone called Sango on me. Lol. How stupid. My real worry from your comments is how you’ve concluded that the BFF in this story is actually cheating. What makes you bunch of insecure people think that? Why is the husband not the problem? Can the husband not have a platonic female friend whose company he enjoys? Would the writer rather this female was a stranger…co-worker or something? My sense is that many of you are extremely territorial when it comes to your partners. Have you asked why your partner isn’t territorial about you? Do you think guarding your “territory” will actually stop a man who intends to cheat from cheating?

    • Iyke

      October 24, 2016 at 5:31 am

      Valid argument!

    • Magz

      October 24, 2016 at 9:28 am

      LMAOOOO! I’ve not commented on BN for a while but i had to today.

      Oponu, see how you exposed yourself! She didn’t even mention any tribe.

      Leave your friend’s husband alone!!!! Leave her marriage alone!!! Atole!

  32. Mr. Egghead

    October 23, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    You’ll need to talk to your husband not your friend. Express your fears. Only your husband holds the key.

    It may just be innocent banter and there may be nothing between them except warm camaraderie. Maybe it is just gist about the goings-on in their community or state.
    As for nicknames, everybody has nicknames nah.

    But don’t go accusing him. Once you start pointing fingers, you’ll sow seeds in his mind.
    If he hadn’t looked at her romantically before, from that point on, he’ll suddenly realize that your friend is a hottie with a booteh

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 23, 2016 at 4:40 pm

      Look at this backward, foolish NIGERIAN RAPIST. Saying there is nothing between them, it’s just innocent banter. As you are a typical NIGERIAN MAN-BEAST who cheats frequently, how won’t it be “innocent”? Nonsense.

  33. chic wen sabi

    October 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    Dear writer,yourself and hubby should take a vacation alone and you can make up for the vacuum observered. Have time to discuss the issue you feel sexually and prayerfully. Make sure you dont give him room to quarrel even if he tries to do that. Never confront him, he will be defensive.
    As for your so called friend tease her of you hooking her up with someone( in the real sense you may not be doing that). Protect your home and let God take charge……am sure you are smart.

  34. Tosin

    October 23, 2016 at 4:21 pm

    lol it’s not easy

  35. A Real Nigerian

    October 23, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    Bellanaija, please consider placing
    permanent bans on all these foolish
    NIGERIAN MAN-BEASTS who cannot offer
    any sensible advice and always find a way
    to blame the woman or say she should
    work on herself. It is never the man’s fault,
    and even if it is, it is the woman who must
    make efforts to fix it.
    Please, what kind of foolish mentality do
    these idiot men in our country have?
    Disgusting, subhuman, chauvinistic losers.
    Ban the likes of Paul Adeyemo,
    LemmeRant, Madman and that idiot
    Stupid men. All they know how to do is
    rape and cheat.

  36. Weezy

    October 23, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    They never born the woman that would pull my husband’s beard.

    Writer, grow a pair. Btw, you need to leave this idea of “bestie” in uni where it belongs. This whole idea that women must have and keep a best friend for life. That is what is causing your problem (that and marrying a disrespectful man).

    • Iyke

      October 23, 2016 at 6:36 pm

      You are one of the QUEENS that am talking about.

    • Curious

      October 23, 2016 at 7:09 pm

      Get rid of all besties abi, but when that man begin show the woman pepper na those same besties she go wan call oh….okay na, kontinu!

    • Weezy

      October 24, 2016 at 6:33 pm

      It doesn’t have to be that extreme. Women should have 3 – 6 good friends. So if one starts acting up, you hang with the other ones. Its when you have just one good friend that problem comes.

    • californiabawlar

      October 23, 2016 at 10:50 pm

      clap! clap! clap! I’m just saying….all these problems can be solved in 10minutes tops.
      If they were just dating now, I’ll say drop both of them so they can have chance for their love to blossom. But unfortunately she’s already married to the disrespectful goat and you can’t call off a marriage based off of suspicion and flirting. She really does need to grow a effin pair! Hian!
      1. Call off the friendship with the babe. No true friend will put you in such an awkward position.
      2. And pull your husband’s ear! Dem never the man that will allow his beard be pulled by another woman in front of me. He’s still in heaven getting his balls fortified by a host of angels.
      I can’t imagine being married to a man that’ll allow such nonsense from me either.
      Oh….I don’t know why Nigerians are so freaking lazy! Pray on top of this rubbish?! Very unfortunate situation.

    • Magz

      October 24, 2016 at 9:31 am

      As in! You will call yourself my friend & pulley man’s beard? Lmaooooo! I don’t even have a friend that will do such rubbish! Mba

    • Ms Rere

      October 24, 2016 at 3:08 pm

      Thank you. Chaii. no friend or husband of mine would even dare. The first day would be your last day. Cos on that first day, I will hug you and whisper in your ear “Next time you touch my hubby like that, I will cut off your hands” all with a smile on my face.

      As for my hubby, forget. I wont even start. What kind of disrespect is that? I’m all about not allowing situations go out of hand before speaking out. Nib it in the bud right from on the onset.

      But for now @poster, please tell your bestie to her face in front of your hubby to not be touching him like that. Say it with a stern, dry smile on your face. Why o why would you invite her along to celebrate anything. were you not told that “three is a crowd?”.

      Reduce your associations with her. Prompt them to gist in a language y’all understand and let that nickname thingy cease. “such nonsense”.

      Let me take zobo to reduce my pressure.

  37. Omoté

    October 23, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Hmmmm! My sister! How can u av ur eyes wide open and allow somebody b throwing sand into dem????? Talk to ur husband, do not accuse, that would throw his defences up. Tell him that it makes u uncomfortable, tell him it makes u a little jealous, tell him it makes u feel left out, if u like sef cry small join. Haba! He’s ur husband! He’s ur friend too! Don’t cut her off abruptly, if oga reduces the friendliness by even a quarter, she’ll get d message. U sef! Must she follow u guys everywhere?

    • californiabawlar

      October 23, 2016 at 11:01 pm

      You’re right…don’t accuse the husband. Just telling him STERNLY. “She’s my friend and I’m cutting her off because she makes me uncomfortable and jealous. And I’ll expect the same of you if I ever get overly comfortable with another man”. If she’s married to a good man, this is an opportunity to for them to even grow closer. It happened with a close friend of mine and she said her husband was apologetic and said he actually had gotten caught up and didn’t see it that way. They kissed and ‘made up’ and it was all good from then on.
      It’s not even that difficult. OP could have handled this in the time she used to be typing sob aunty bella stories that touch…. just delete and block her number from his phone (without him even knowing). And stop rolling with her. Full Stop. Abi she don’t have other friends?

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 24, 2016 at 4:12 pm

      I don talk am say e be like na aje pikin. You know the, “when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade” kinda gal. 🙂

      Meanwhile, babe wey don sabi wetin dey… na to carry the lemon begin squeeze enter any devil eye wey don roam enter her matter. 🙂

  38. Marian

    October 23, 2016 at 6:35 pm

    Very simple something. Talk to your hubby, let him know how you feel and he will do the needful. It’s all about Respect. Your husband/wife should be that one person you can always bounce crazy ideas off of.

  39. Me

    October 23, 2016 at 6:49 pm


    You’re in the west not gja, so be bold to do the needful. Sometimes, we think the world will end if we confront people but it wont.

    For me, I think nice ladies can be stupid many a times but the so-called wild girls are hardly ever stupid. I think you’re being stupid! You know why? Your wild friend would have cut you off by now if the roles were to be switched.

    You know Abel in the bible was stupid and he died as a result? It reads clearly that Cain’s countenance changed when his sacrifices were not accepted and this was before he killed Abel. It is called situational awareness. Let’s be smart and observe when people,s attitudes around us change, don’t take it for granted. Never take anything for granted.

    Feign unreasonableness. For 2-3 days, suddenly ‘loose’ it. Create a scene if necessary. Suddenly get angry. Go paranoid, scream at your friend, tell her you don’t want any friendship anymore. Turn on your husband as well, tell him you will no longer tolerate his madness and disrespect as you’ve been keeping quiet all this while.

    After creating a scence and breaking up your friendship and going paranoid oN your husband and friend, then don’t talk to him for like 3 days(you must be totally unreasonable) after the whole drama, worse case scenario, you and your husband will settle, friendship with your bestie will be over and your point would have been passed across to both parties.

    You see, I am that young girl growing up who was always reasonable and responsible but I grew up in a home without my mother. To avoid trouble, I was always reasonable and my dad and stepmom took me for granted, I did not say anything. After I gained some level of financial stability, one day, l called their bluff and went paranoid on the both of them. I chose to became unreasonable for a few days and vent my anger. My dear, no body believed it. My entire family was shell shocked. That episode broke the attitude of ‘this girl will always take this rubbish from us.’ It’s been about 7 years since then, and I still have a good relationship with my family and now the respect is mutual. Would it have happended without that episode? I doubt.
    Everyone in our lives will push our boundaries until we show them what we will not tolerate. That includes parents, spouses, friends, you name it.

    Do the needful.

  40. Stephanie

    October 23, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    I’m sorry who else couldn’t get past ‘she’s the same age as me…but older by two years? Anybody that thinks that doesn’t need editing…

  41. Marian

    October 23, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    Just spoke to my husband to get his opinion on the topic and he said the same thing. Just talk to your husband to limit all the paparazzi. Yall should also talk about having an open line of communication. You should not be going crazy over something talking to him would have solved you guys should be able to come together and feel free and comfortable to discuss anything.

  42. Deedee

    October 23, 2016 at 7:51 pm

    Please don’t wait for fire alarm before you do something. Find her a hot bobo. Talk to your husband about it now.

  43. Larz

    October 23, 2016 at 7:55 pm

    This is not a fighting matter. Husband and wife should be open enough with each other to tell each other when they feel uncomfortable about someone else in their life be it a friend, relative or potential live interest. If they can’t do this then their problem is bigger than any outsider

  44. Laface

    October 23, 2016 at 8:52 pm

    Dear Poster,
    I read your situation and was not going to comment but I feel strongly I should.

    First things first – We are spirit beings. Never ignore what you feel in your spirit, especially as a woman. That is not to say your hubby and X are into something inappropriate, but heed the warning bells.
    Further, X has crossed the line. Major crossing. Hubby is enjoying the attention and even, enabling it. Whether that is innocent or not; it has to STOP. PERIOD. Women, please stop tip-toeing around issues that you feel strongly about, though how you address same is key.

    How will I address it if I where in your shoes?
    Ask X out for lunch and in clear terms, tell her I do not appreciate her close relationship with MY hubby and because I value her friendship, I would not want to cut her off.
    Leave it there. And watch.
    1. If she goes to hubby to recount your discussion, CUT HER OFF FAST!
    2. If she adjusts herself and behaves appropriately going forward, voila! You have your friend and peaceful sleep. ( I hope she does this).
    3. If she cuts you off and stop coming around; WEL, you lose a friend but have peace.

    As for TTC, please be patient and enjoy life. It will happen.
    Good luck.

  45. Gem

    October 23, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    Lol…Iyke…Give up the “Happy Relationship Tips” already. Sometimes, a man still finds a way to disrespect the sort of woman that fits your description of a, what happens then? you say it’s still the woman’s fault?
    I saw the lady that wrote that they never born the woman that would pull her hubby’s beards and you titled her a queen because she insinuated it could happen but she wouldn’t tolerate it one bit, right? Because yeah, it can happen to her…or nah?
    Miss me with all that please. I am not understanding why the solution you had to proffer to this lady’s plight is what she should have done differently…and whatnot.
    Proactive koo…Reactive ni
    Yeah, a woman should have self worth and all that, but don’t you ever opine in anyway that men only disrespect women with low self esteem because that ain’t true.

  46. Eniola

    October 23, 2016 at 9:29 pm

    Please note that this is not an attack on you, it is an observation. I think it is pretty sad that you have negative things to men or tribes. On majority of your comments, you spew a lot of vitriolic words. I understand you might not have come across the best people in life but if they turned you this bitter, you will keep having a negative effect on other people.

  47. Jane

    October 23, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    My dear u are too naive that is why your husband and so called best friend are disrespecting u period. U mean to tell me u are married n still keeping best friend a wild one at that. My cousin I was staying with had an affair with his wife s best friend who was wild. She was so Shameless she didn’t care who was watching. Wild girls will always be wild. Even if they are married. Never trust them with your husband n never keep them as friends . If she was in your shoes she will dispose of you fast. Please don’t be naive do something now. If u cut off from her, u won’t die. Forget about all she did in the past. You too did things for her too abi.

  48. gbaskelebo

    October 23, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    At madam poster, I will be brief here… Your teeth has a touched a stone which end must you crack? priority for you should be which relationship is important to you! your friend or your husband? If you consider your husband more important (which i believe is the case) then talk to him calmly about what you feel or perceive is the case to register your displeasure! I believe that should do it for him, what is important is that you have created the awareness… Abegi nor be today… second base jare.

  49. Madman

    October 23, 2016 at 10:41 pm

    Not easy to be a Nigerian single woman …the comments show how wicked Nigerian people are and treat single people especially women.

  50. Gorgeous

    October 23, 2016 at 11:07 pm

    As a still single lady, darling I don’t think my own bestie will have the nerve to pull my boyfriend/fiancé and not husband’s beard. Even my baby will know what time it is, and quickly push the girl away. Hey, I don’t fight over men, but I will correct her immediately. Right then and there. And I will deal with my man well well behind close doors. I can be a cold and icy bitch filled with punchlines and sarcasm. So trust me, my friends know that without lifting my voice or raising my finger, I can put everyone in their place. Swiftly

  51. randommer

    October 24, 2016 at 1:15 am

    Hmm. Do not talk to your husband or your friend. There may be nothing going on and it is very hard for you not to come across as jealous or paranoid. You need to get someone older like all these old aunties that don’t mind their business to call both her and him out while she is pulling his beard. Someone that will organically tell her to face her own husband.

  52. Chinny

    October 24, 2016 at 1:35 am

    Some parts of this story made by blood boil! Touching his beard- say what?
    Here is what I think- your husband made a vow with you. You both are In a lifetime partnership….he is the one you should talk to.
    Explain to him that you are not comfortable with their relationship and give him examples of things you feel are disrespectful (unnecessary touching/excessively long hugs). Let him know clearly that you are uncomfortable with it.

    Secondly- keep your friend at a distance, I believe Shen knows what she is doing. She doesn’t need to celebrate your husband’s promotion with you guys. You need to re-evaluate your relationship with her, not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. That is the unfortunate truth, besties in university doesn’t always equal life-time bestirs and that’s fine!
    I believe you grew up but your friend didn’t.
    Good luck! Xxx

    • Dee

      October 24, 2016 at 3:21 pm

      Well said!!

  53. olu

    October 24, 2016 at 1:38 am

    Dear Poster,

    I write from experience. NEVER neglect your instinct! I beg you!

    My uncle’s wife would have been able to save her marriage if she listened to her instinct. Her story is exactly the same as yours. Word for word, save that they had a daughter between.

    Needless to say, her best friend married my uncle and now has 3 kids for him. This was in the 80s.

    My uncle died yesterday evening. Doctors say he had stroke.

    Confront your friend, confront your husband, and cut off your friend! You owe nobody any apology. Your marriage is more important than your friendship.

    • Corolla

      October 24, 2016 at 3:25 am

      It wasn’t on her to save her marriage. It was up to your uncle to honor his vow and keep his d**k in his pants. Your uncle wanted to cheat, and he cheated! Nothing his first wife could have done about it. Stop making it seem like women are magical creatures and have the power to stop a trifling a** man from triflin’.

  54. EE

    October 24, 2016 at 3:06 am

    Hello besty, we’ve known each other a while, been through a lot, I think of you as a sister. So please, know, the tension its killing me…………… shagging with my husband???

    Ohh, you aren’t, okay mind toning down the overt flirting, yes I know you were just being you, but it makes me really uncomfortable, I mean, girls before hoes right????

    Why not just talk to your friend, what’s the worst that could happen?

    Last, last you two will figure out a timetable. **Insensitive joke**?????

    P.S don’t listen to the people saying “cut off your friend”. It ain’t loyal, worse, its ungrateful considering all you’ve been through and the age of the relationship. Seriously think it through, you cut off your oldest friend for your husband, that relationship is likely over. You’ll always blame him in your mind, you’ll become a nag and it’ll spiral from there. Talk it over with your friend, it is nothing that be settled.

  55. beebee

    October 24, 2016 at 8:49 am

    this girl wants your hubby, was too angry to finish reading. how would she feel if was in your shoes. please don’t invite her to special functions, better limit your invitations to her when hubby is part of it. just be careful.
    I would have claws out even if she is my friend. would tell het straight to keep distance and limit interactions

  56. beebee

    October 24, 2016 at 8:50 am

    I would not be shocked if your not having kids have something to do with her,,,,,,,

  57. mia

    October 24, 2016 at 9:56 am

    I’ve said it before on this forum that a lot of people get married these days without actually talking and getting to understand each others’ red flags, threshold and pet peeves. Additionally, People get married to people they cannot even have a decent conversation with, else, why would you be scared to tell your husband exactly how his actions make you feel? why do people think they have to look for a convenient time to discuss burning issues with their spouse? is he your boss? you are obviously going crazy here and you don’t have the courage to tell your husband that he is disrespecting you?

    My sister, it is obvious you’re one of those ladies who hates to rock the boat but in this case, you need to capsize the boat. Tell your husband exactly how you feel and demand that he relates with your friend on your terms. After all this, i wonder if it is appropriate to refer to this lady as your friend infact.

  58. Tosin

    October 24, 2016 at 9:59 am

    I don’t think your girl is being polite.
    I don’t think your man is being polite.
    I don’t think you’re really close to him like that.
    I don’t think that you should fight.
    With all due respect, what happened to compatibility? I would be happy for them and fade. Just being honest. Maybe your next marriage will be more real.

  59. lapresh

    October 24, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Beware of people who are comfortable enough to publicly display affection for your patner, those people have no conscience.

  60. Daizzy

    October 24, 2016 at 12:22 pm

    And this right here is why I don’t do female besties! Burned a countless times!

  61. Yummychickcummummy

    October 24, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Try and learn the language without them knowing, first, then, u can make ur decision.

  62. Kemi

    October 24, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Let her know how you feel, and how uncomfortable it makes you feel. If she doesnt change then you can make your decision of cutting her off

  63. ejiro

    October 24, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    bla bla bla… even if you love him like a bestie.. or a brother. I have siblings..i love them but I don’t talk to them all gum myself to my brothers/sisters.. everyday.. so how you treat your siblings.. act that way around him.. bye

  64. Adeshina

    October 25, 2016 at 9:45 am

    This is one of the reasons why I don’t support inter tribal marriage. Ask for clarity from husband and demand respect.

  65. tolulope o.

    October 28, 2016 at 3:02 pm

    Hi Anty Bella, I don’t know where to send you an email. But this is my story. I met a man 2 years ago and we started dating. He is 37 years and I am 33 Years Old. We are both working and earning a good living. I met his family and relatives . Things were going on smoothly until I noticed he does not keep in touch with me any more. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t bother to visit or do anything. When i plan any outing he always has an excuse not to attend.

    I called him to ask if all is well and he responded that all is well. For about a month plus now, he has not kept in touch with me. Well actions they say speak louder than voice but It is hard for me to believe he has moved on after all we shared. Should I keep calling him? (wont I look desperate, some friends said I should talk to his parents. ( I don’t think that is necessary. You can force a horse to a river, you cannot force it to drink) . My instinct tells me not to contact him again

    • Oyinade

      February 17, 2017 at 12:54 pm

      My sister. It has happened to me before. The guy is not interested and might be even trying to get you to break up with him, so that he doesn’t look like a bad guy.

      Please move on and forget about him.

  66. Taijieh Moses

    October 30, 2016 at 2:10 am

    @Original poster, please talk to your so-called best friend X. She definitely has the hots for your husband and zero respect for you, which is why she keeps flirting with him. Learn from my experience. I had a best friend for almost 10 years who kept going behind my back to visit my boyfriend in his home.

    She also told him stuff about me, by putting a twisted spin on those stories in order to put me in a bad light. I shrugged it off, thinking I was the one reading strange ‘meanings’ into the situation. On a few occasions, I invited my boo to a party, but he couldn’t make it due to pressures of work. She would then ask my boo, if he was aware of the party I went to and how wild it was. But she would conveniently fail to inform him that she was also at that party, and that I was there with family and friends. And she would give the impression that I partied hard there, and threw all caution to the winds. Which was totally untrue!

    Anyway fast forward a several months later, her sly innuendoes had done the trick and my boo actually cited her as the reason why he couldn’t continue the relationship. No, he wasn’t dating her, but she had poisoned his mind about me. That marked the end of my friendship with my bestie.

    You don’t need a toxic best friend who doesn’t care about your feelings and does not respect you. If she had a lot of respect for you, she would not encroach on your territory or take such liberties with your man!

  67. beauty

    November 15, 2016 at 12:04 pm

    “I can’t confront husband because I may be making a mountain out of a mole-hill.”. Babe, if this wasn’t an issue, you wouldn’t have sent it to here. It is an issue and i think you need to sit up. Starting with your husband, you need to make him create more time for you. When he wants to invite her for events and outings, insist that you and him alone attend. You have no kids yet, so there shouldn’t be an reason for disturbance. Secondly tell him that despite the fact that “X” is your friend and you introduced her to him and the family, her presence is becoming a bit too much and you need more time with him to raise a family and kids. Don’t code or try to ignore anything. He is YOUR HUSBAND! In marriage, there is no forming, no coding, no make belief. Whatever you are no comfortable with, make sure your spouse knows! You are supposed to be with this person for the rest of your life, remember? If you don’t act fast, i’m sorry,you would loose your husband and your marriage to your friend. Be astute!!!

  68. Ayinke

    January 11, 2017 at 12:11 am

    Well, I noticed a lot of people wrote “talk to your husband” that’s not a good idea to me… Let sleeping dogs lie as they say… I would not even mention her because you talking about her and showing your insecurities would or rather might make him actually think again about why he hasn’t tried to “hit that” pardon me… Or it would raise his curiosity.. Don’t say anything so you don’t make her look special to your husband.. All you should do is start making excuses or reasons. It to see her. Start pulling away so that he suspects there is something wrong with her! Maybe she’s a bad influence on your children, maybe she is a bad influence on you are you getting me??? Make it seem like you are trying to stay away from her because she’s trying to lead you astray and since you are a decent, loyal woman you don’t want to keep her as a friend. I think that would scare him. Remeber a mans pride is his woman.. Be smart don’t even make him think she’s worth a second look.. Hope I explained myself well enough. Be smart and tactical. That’s what makes you a woman… We have the power to manipulate things to our advantage.. All the best friend 🙂

  69. Ruhamah

    January 20, 2017 at 8:51 pm

    #bff. mehn! i laugh whenever that word is mentioned. there is no such thing as that. You have the right to talk to your husband first and ur so called friend stating your mind accurately. you need to for sound health.

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