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Oluwatosin Arodudu: Speak Out, & Stay Alive

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dreamstime_m_12843209Domestic violence can be defined as a violent and aggressive act within the home, that involves the violent abuse of a spouse or partner. Domestic violence has become endemic in our society. I marvel at how a husband who once loved his wife would allow his love for her to deteriorate to a point where he begins to batter her without restraints. I don’t understand how a man who is meant to protect his wife from anything that could hurt her becomes the one who inflicts such pain on her.

Our men need to understand that when you begin to batter a woman, your wife, you are gradually leading her to her grave. And unless this is your motive – to kill your wife – then you have to desist from this dangerous path immediately before you are jailed for murder and you put your aged parents and extended family in pains and regrets.

Once you batter a woman to death, she is dead and gone forever. It is a sad loss to her family, her children and every one who wished her well. The truth is, she is dead and gone forever – never to return to your abusive clutch. But what becomes of your the abuser and her killer husband? You would be exposed and jailed, thereby putting your extended family in pains, shame and regrets.
Your children would become motherless and fatherless because you can’t parent them from prison. You also would suffer the pain of incarceration while you languish in jail full of regrets and pains – all because you could not control your temper and walk away from violence or the urge to inflict pain on another, your wife for that matter.

Your children would have to live with the stigma and probable constant reminder that their father killed their mother and he is languishing in jail “awon omo oku orun ati omo elewon” (the children of a dead mom and a father who is being imprisoned). What a pathetic description to qualify innocent children who never asked to be brought into a home full of scuffle, till everything imploded and threw them into an exposed life of torture.

A woman’s body is very delicate, and it gets more delicate when the woman begins to have children. Bones and joints becomes loosened, the daily care of children, most especially toddlers, the inability to have a good sleep again. A slap could make a woman collapse and never to wake again.

This is the sad reality Nigerian women which most African women face, because most of our men do not assist with house chores. They believe it is a woman’s turf, yet you come back home to beat the crap out of a woman who has been slaving to take good care of the home and children – while also struggling so hard to balance this with her career. How wicked can an abusive man get?

Why can’t you think deep and walk away from anything that could trigger the abuse of your wife? Why can’t you separate from her if you feel she has become recalcitrant and impervious to correction? And if you feel you hate her so much, or that you have another woman outside who gives you “fulfilment” in every way your wife does not, please just grant the poor woman a divorce – rather than enduring the sight of her every day which could trigger abuse and violence towards her. Please issue a divorce and let the poor woman be alive to fulfill her destiny and be the mother to her children.

Finally, our men need to begin to understand that times have changed, it is no longer business as usual, today’s women are being taught to speak out and expose every form of abuse we face in our marriages, and lives.  We no longer cover up abuses meted out to us in our homes like yesterday’s women did. Let me tell you a secret dear man, if you value your pride and future, walk away from marital violence no matter how angry you get. This is not a threat, rather it is an advice I would give to any man in my family, so if you prefer to see it as a suggestion from a sister please do. The times have changed, and women value their lives better than any marriage that is on the verge of snuffing it out of them.

No matter how hard you try to manipulate and brain wash your wife, understand that we are in an era where she has spoken to someone. Today’s women are being taught to own their shame.  We no longer believe we have to keep enduring abuse because of our children and hide it from the world, rather we believe we have to exit an abusive marriage for the sake of the healthy development of our children. No matter what your wife has done AVOID VIOLENCE so your pride is not rubbed in the mud by strangers and your future crushed because of anger.

Your marital business becomes a public affair the moment you start maltreating your wife. Strangers would poke their nose into your affair the moment your wife opens up the tiniest bit to someone about being abused. And these people are ready to fight her battle to any length – by alienating you and exposing every evil deed you might have done to her in your union together. So if you think you have bullied your wife into covering you, understand that you are deceiving yourself, and the whole world would soon come after you.

Protect your pride, maintain your dignity as a man, walk away and stay far away from marital violence, so people would not heap insults on you left right and center.

Dear woman, are you facing domestic violence in your marriage? Please speak out, do not allow yourself to be bullied to death. Do not allow yourself to be denied the chance of mothering your children. We suffer too much from pregnancy to child care, than to get cut short by the man who should be our number one protector.

STAY AWAY,SPEAK OUT AND LIVE ON.

Oluwatosin cares!

Photo Credit: Jason Stitt | Dreamstime.com

Oluwatosin Olajumoke Arodudu is a lawyer, a mediator, a negotiator and an arbitrator. She is a social change advocate and a mental wellness expert. She advocates for women’s rights and children’s rights. She is a publisher and the author of Motherhood and the Society, From the Perspective of the child, Life on the Street of Readlooks, The Deep Blue Sea and her soon to be released book IDENTITY. She blogs at www.oluwatosinarodudu.com

27 Comments

  1. DoroAnon

    December 5, 2016 at 9:25 pm

    Let’s not be bias some men suffer DV too. Only animals settle scuffle by violence. I still wonder how do u hit the one u love? I can’t even shout at the one I love, rather keep malice and those that endure DV don’t u value ue skin why would u endure some1 hitting u like a cow. Walk Out! Ur life has no duplicate

    • Anon

      December 5, 2016 at 9:45 pm

      yeah because the rates are nearly the same in Nigeria. It’s annoying when people do this. I work in social services and the rates for rape and domestic violence are MUCH higher. Even in societies that protect women it’s much higher, is it now Nigeria that it will be lower ??
      Why don’t I see comments like this when we bash women for being too materialistic and demanding too much from men. There are men that leach off women, but a woman is more likely to expect that a man spends on her, the same way that there are women that beat their husbands but women are more likely to be the victims. Don’t be an “All Lives Matter” here abeg

    • Marlvina

      December 5, 2016 at 11:49 pm

      @DoroAnon, exactly! As much as I totally agree with the writer on women speaking out in cases of domestic violence; also let’s not forget that often times some women trigger these abuses upon themselves. I’ve witnessed a woman, full blown wife and mother shout at her husband in public, lifting up her hand, saying “I will slap you now”! My ears tingled and eyes bulged. That’s totally shocking. Why won’t such a man retaliate by pounding that mouth of hers? So disrespectful for a wife to speak to her husband rudely, even worse in public. Surprisingly, this man was quiet and just looked at her shaking his head. Can’t tell if he comported himself because he was in public or that’s just his nature to be calm when the wife rants. But assuming he’s the calm type, the very day that man decides to deal with her after tolerating all her nonsense, all hell would break loose and he’ll be tagged as a wicked and abusive husband. Please, women should learn to behave, be submissive and respect their husband’s. Even while having arguments or misunderstandings, it shouldn’t warrant to verbal abuses and physical fights. I am in no way supporting any form of violence either by the man or woman; but from this angle, God has placed the man above us women and they deserve that respect. Let’s control our tongue.

    • Loki

      December 6, 2016 at 12:41 am

      Maybe YOUR god. The God of the Bible says “a man who rules his spirit is greater than a man who takes a city”. There is no justification for violence except in self defense against physical violence itself. Saying that “most times” women bring abuse on themselves by their tongues? Tell me, what civilian man in this Nigeria will say he didnt like the way a soldier spoke to him, so he slapped the soldier in front of barracks? Your taxes pay his salary, yet…Come on. This God ur preaching directs us to have self control.
      There is provocation, yes- some women will nag you till you want to force liquid cement down their throats, wait for it to solidify and then throw them in the river, but there are other ways to resolve conflict without violence. How do these men deal with their irritating bosses in the office (male or female) without slaps and blows? Some bosses are like satan himself.
      All the wars that have been fought since the beginning of time should have told everyone by now that in war, there is no winning. Just different degrees of loss.

    • A Real Nigerian

      December 6, 2016 at 12:52 am

      @Loki why are you bothering with Marlvina? She’s a bigot who says an unbelievable amount of stupid things all the time. Just look at the retarded nonsense a woman is typing.
      “Why won’t such a man retaliate by pounding that mouth of hers”
      Na wa o.

    • Marlvina

      December 6, 2016 at 4:19 am

      @Loki I hope you read the part I said I in no way support any form of violence from either party. That explains that one shldn’t use violence as a form of retaliation and should be able to solve issues without physical fights, that’s equal to having self control and tolerating one another. Hope you read that? Try to understand my point of view before you get so quick to reply. Cus your only emphasising on my point of view right now. ?

    • Loki

      December 6, 2016 at 6:08 am

      @Marlvina, I read your entire point. I read it, digested it, regurgitated it, chewed the cud and swallowed it again. And in all four ruminant parts of my brain , it was still crap! Emphasizing your point, my ass. So cos someone calls B.S on you, it’s justifiable to pound their mouths. All this backyard logic people apply, and confuse for pragmatism.

    • .....just saying

      December 6, 2016 at 7:58 am

      Marlvina, I want to collect my likes back. You justify violence and now, you lamely want to defend the nonsense you spewed? Geraaraahere.

    • The Real Oma

      December 6, 2016 at 2:18 pm

      I always thought people were too hard on you on here @Marlvina but this your comment is all shades of ignorant and thoughtless

  2. bruno

    December 5, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    typical domestic violence article. husband beats wife. why not talk about madam beats house maid or madame pours hot oil on house girl. thats domestic violence too

    ” Why can’t you think deep and walk away from
    anything that could trigger the abuse of your
    wife? ”

    just look at how thing one is talking. almost all domestic violence cases, it is usually the woman that strikes first.

    pls be less bias when u talk about something serious like domestic violence. let me guess, the writer of this article calls herself a feminist. smh

    • Ugh

      December 5, 2016 at 10:04 pm

      But we’ve had a lot of articles this year about mistreating nannies. And women were not spared. No one has ever defended them. Why don’t you also bring up men raping their nannies? Why not write your own article? As someone who saw her mum beaten almost to death, I think it’s really offensive that you can demean domestic violence with your really silly rant. After all, women on BN are the meanest to female celebrities and they are always the first to defend men. Aren’t many of the female commenters defending Maje? Just say you hate women and keep it moving. For one of the few commenters who defends the lgbtq including you, I’m slightly confused by your anti-female rants, especially seeing as the few Nigerians who can stand you are probably female, especially feminists

    • A Real Nigerian

      December 5, 2016 at 10:22 pm

      “almost all domestic violence cases, it is usually the woman that strikes first.”

      I am impressed by this accurate, truthful, factual piece of information.
      /s.

    • Nene

      December 6, 2016 at 12:28 am

      There are more cases of female violence towards house helps and domestic staff than the husband-wife domestic violence.

  3. Spunky

    December 5, 2016 at 9:53 pm

    Very apt, clear and precise…the dumbest of all can comprehend this. That said, some women are demons “personified”. Give them space in the course of an argument, they follow you upandan…yelling and exaggerating the issue(my neighbor don hear nwiii for him wife hand.) I understand they is no reason good enough to hit a woman. Some women do not help the matter.# saynotovoilonce.
    Ps. I’d like to see an exposé form the male perspective of female violence.

  4. Deji

    December 5, 2016 at 10:23 pm

    Enough of this female victim play abeg! Men also suffer abuse. Societal demands can be so overwhelming on Men. A Man is built to create. We here are no loan or credit facilities to actualize ambitious projects. It’s a cash and carry game (that’s why corruption is high). It makes him feel like he is not living up to his purpose, a frustrating experience you women can’t understand.

    Am just saying that these articles should cover both perspectives. We don’t have mature institutions to cater abuse in general.

    • Loki

      December 6, 2016 at 8:06 am

      I get your point Deji, but with all due respect, it’s not the same as getting beaten up. That is like men talking about being drafted to war and getting killed and mutilated and women will respond “abeg, enough. Dont we give birth?”. They are hardly the same circumstance.

  5. Loki

    December 5, 2016 at 11:11 pm

    Wait, I don’t get this article. So the major reason you shouldnt hit your spouse is SHE COULD DIE? So if there is some sort of guarantee that she wont die, or no one will find out, you can beat her? Please can someone clarify if this is what the article is saying? Cos here I was, thinking you shouldnt hit anyone because hitting people is WRONG and not an appropriate way to settle disputes. Period. Even kids are taught not to hit adults and it’s not cos the adult could die.
    Maybe I just dont understand the article. …

  6. julietogbo

    December 5, 2016 at 11:37 pm

    Women are not the only once suffering from domestic violence men suffer too. Where I stay my neighbors fight sometimes, guess who is getting beaten it is the husband n the children get to join hands too in beating their dad. We laugh over it but we know it is all shade of wrong

    • Loki

      December 6, 2016 at 12:54 am

      The probem is men hardly speak out cos they find it embarrassing to admit they are being abused by a woman. The sad part is that it is their fellow men that will first diss them and call them weak. Then women will say “that one na man”? The police will laugh and insult the man. Even as kids, boy cant go home and tell their parents that a girl beat them at school. The parents might add their own beating. The system and the way we see violence has to change. Unless you are defending yourself against a physical attack, you dont have the right to raise your hand against anyone in anger. In other words, even the women quick to slap men cos the man “said” something lewd to them had better find a better way of managing their upset, than unleashing a slap like knockout.

    • EE

      December 6, 2016 at 1:43 am

      Please if you have children, never teach them its okay to lose a fight.

    • Loki

      December 6, 2016 at 6:00 am

      Dont worry EE, a pacifist I am not. Remember I said I believe in self defense. In my opinion, there is absolutely no limit on the degree of force you should use to defend yourself. I dont believe people should “start out” hitting others to resolve conflict. But I do believe in brutal retribution.

    • Zenith

      December 6, 2016 at 11:20 am

      That’s wrong EE, failure is part of life. There is nothing wrong in losing a fight, the important lesson should be how to bounce back from losing. Always aim for the top but be grateful for what you get.

  7. john

    December 6, 2016 at 8:08 am

    There are more cases of female violence towards house helps and domestic staff than the husband-wifedomestic violence………………AGREED

  8. Cindy

    December 6, 2016 at 8:09 am

    Based on the comments here, it seems I would be taking pepper spray and taser with me to my marital home.

    • Nah

      December 6, 2016 at 11:23 am

      Nope you shouldn’t, except you are praying for a man that will abuse you.

  9. john

    December 6, 2016 at 8:13 am

    including step childrens too or children under their care but as usually let all sweep all thatvunder the carpet and blame the men..i wonder who speaks for those house helps and children

    • Loki

      December 6, 2016 at 8:53 am

      Actually John, there are foundations for these disadvantaged people now. Most people arent minding their business anymore. Someone I know just got their neighbour arrested for beating up the maid. But I agree- more needs to be done. We just take it for granted that maids are beaten and step children are brutalised. We shake our heads and “gist” about it but dont get involved. Women who abuse step kids and domestic help should be arrested and put in jail for a while. There needs to be a better system.

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