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BN Confession Box: My Friend Says I’m the Reason She Slept with Her Boss

Nkem Ndem

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Hi guys, BN Confession Box is a feature on BellaNaija – curated by Nkem Ndem.

The Confession Box is our virtual confessor’s box where BellaNaijarians can let loose and say their deepest and rawest fears.
These letters are from you, and we’ll ensure that your identity is protected. Everybody needs some form of outlet or the other.

***
Dear BN,

I don’t even know why I am writing this. I am not the type to share my secrets, talk less of other people’s secrets, but I am so bothered. I need to know what other people think about this whole thing. Two days ago my friend finally disclosed details of her affair with her boss, who is married, to me after almost 2 years. She needed a shoulder to cry on because she believes he had met someone new and would soon dump her. She needed my advice on what to do. The thing though is that while she was narrating her love story with her boss, she mentioned something that implied that I was the one who motivated her to sleep with the man. She said she felt it was okay to have sex with him, since I had also slept with my Ex after we had broken up… and he was seeing another girl.

It was a huge lie, because I am very certain she started sleeping with the man a long time before I mentioned sleeping with my ex. I remember the morning I called her, she told me what pill to take and all, comforting me and telling me it was not the end of the world, and no one was perfect.

We both had started as virgins before she met this boss who she has been sleeping with. The real truth is that I have actually never slept with anyone in my life before. She does not know this though; I had lied to her,  to see her response, prove my suspicion of her and her boss. I also wanted to make her feel comfortable enough, to confide in me about her affair with him. I felt that if she thought that me too I was not a virgin anymore, she would not be afraid of me judging her…but it didn’t work. She still locked up and refused to share details with me of her affair with him.

In fact, when I raised the topic asking her about her closeness with her boss, she cooked up a story about me lying about her to our mutual friends and iced me off completely.

The reason why I even wanted her to confide in me in the first place was so that I could advise her against falling for the boss. I could see that he was using her but she could not see it. He was deceiving her with big positions that did not come with money increment to her salary, but I think the power of being able to sack others at her office clouded her brain. I just wanted to help, but now I am confused and feel guilty.

Is it possible that I am really the cause of her sleeping with a married man? Should I tell her I never slept with my Ex, that it was just a trick or should I just keep quiet? Please, how did I motivate her? Will she forgive me…or is it even my fault? I am just confused.

***
Do you have any confession you would like to make or shocking tale you’ld like to tell? Please send your story to features(at)bellanaija(dot)com.

Photo Credit: Kurhan | Dreamstime.com

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for copywriting, editing and proofreading. She is also a content creator (web, T.V, radio) who has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer. E-mail: [email protected]; IG: @kem_dem; Twitter: @ndemv

25 Comments

  1. oprah

    June 25, 2017 at 4:34 pm

    You need to stop….just stop with the messy and grave digging. What you did was horrible, but please don’t take responsibility for her irresponsibility.

    Would she walk naked on third mainland bridge if you asked her to or if she saw someone else do it? Exactly! She has a brain which she can reason with!

    That doesn’t stop you from being a horrible person………making up fornication stories to encourage adultery. You need to refocus your energy and fix your mind.

    • Cos.I.Say.So

      August 17, 2017 at 4:11 am

      No…. Its to encourage adultery confessions and give good advice

  2. GALORE

    June 25, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    We all do what we wanna do in life.. .no one should advise you to do what you never intended doing.. .you do what people ask you to do, because you already had in mind to do it and you needed a second opinion, just to tally with what you already have in mind

    I think, you did nothing wrong, but I would suggest you tell your friend that you never slept with your ex and also advise her to leave her oga, then if she still insist and continues to sleep with her oga, then, that’s no more your business

    Because at the end of this life, God Almighty will judge you for leading another astray.

    @GALORE

  3. Wethecutenigerians

    June 25, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    You guys attach so much to sex. It is really nothing, just some short-lived pleasure journey that is just same as sucking up few cones of ice cream. Virgins? Who cares? You slept with your boss? Who cares? It is all forgotten with a blink just like what you thought was your biggest problem years ago.

    • Ui

      June 25, 2017 at 6:47 pm

      Abeg sex is a big deal, it has the ability to bring life, pleasure and bond to the two people involved. Don’t trivialise it, some people have destroyed their lifes by having reckless sex.

    • Wethecutenigerians

      June 26, 2017 at 8:17 pm

      Should have added sex + protection.

  4. Ify

    June 25, 2017 at 5:20 pm

    Which kind of convoluted story is this?

    You lied to your friend that you slept with your ex in order to get her to confide in you she was having an affair with her boss so that you can advise her against doing so…… Smh

  5. tunmi

    June 25, 2017 at 5:23 pm

    Be honest with her, and let the chips fall where they may. Stop lying. You cared for her, but lying to her so she could feel comfortable around you wasn’t a good move. And it didn’t make her feel more comfortable either. She has things she’s dealing with. You’re not the reason she did what she did. Own up to your actions and apologize. She may not want to be your friend again, and that is entirely her decision

  6. Noms

    June 25, 2017 at 5:25 pm

    Some people are just follow follow.
    When I was in 100L ,I told a friend of mine that I didn’t have a boyfriend(which was true) and she decided to end the relationship she was in then. Later in life, I had issues with my boyfriend and deleted his number from my phone , she too had issues and deleted her boyfriend’s number. I had to tell her that I know the number by heart and can call him anytime ooo but if she doesn’t know his number then she shouldn’t have deleted ooo.
    I can’t judge you that you did wrong by telling her you slept with your ex but I think you should let your friend know you lied to her.

  7. Ajala & Foodie

    June 25, 2017 at 5:28 pm

    Author, nope you did not make an adult do anything. “Your friend” and I use that term loosely is only trying to use you to assuage her guilt. You should however not have lied to get her to open up to you (I will address that later) but hey we all make mistakes right and even the same goes for your friend but the only concern I have with your friend is that she is not willing to give up her “enjoyment”. I mean her biggest concern is that the dude has found a new side chic not that she is feels bad for herself I.e she has somehow come to the realization that she deserves better. Nope!!! Your friend is also not willing to take responsibility for her actions I.e trying to say or you did it and that’s why I did it. How old are you guys again? I would guess at least early or mid 20s I.e an adult.

    Now to the lying: having to lie to a friend so she can confide in you already shows you share an unhealthy friendship and this goes for the 2 of you. If your friend does not know she can confide in you without fear of judgement then that says a lot about her . BUT, your bid to know something she was not yet willing to share with you quite yet and your inability to respect her decision and privacy and to go as far as lying is a clear indication that you were more concerned about knowing her business I.e nosey rather than genuine concern for your friend. It is therefore easy to see why she was not willing to confide in you to begin with, and why she responded the way she did. You need to understand that your claimed motive is not aligning with your actions.

    I know this because I have a friend like you (who claims to “care” and I think she does to a certain degree but really she just enjoys being the one with the gist on everybody and that is not care). But even more importantly I have been that friend too, just plain nosey wanting to have the “tea” on everyone’s life, it was not about care, it was about the gist/tea/news. In retrospect, it came as no surprise that people never confided in me, I still love night of catching up with people dear to me, don’t get me wrong, but, life taught me there was more to relationships than that. My love for those around me needed to be front and center, gist then became secondary I,e just one of the perks of a genuine and sincere relationship. I did not have to convince anyone that not only did I care but people also knew that although I may not approve of certain decisions but I would never judge them without me having to even say a word in that regard. Opening up then happened naturally, did it happen the moment I chose to make love front and center, nope, it happened overtime as my action started to follow the pattern of my thought process. Love also means that there are times that friends and family have decided to wait on discussing things with me and I have had to respect that, although it is hard sometimes especially the ones I feel real close to or the ones that tell me” I have something I would like to share with you but I am not ready” (like why do that to me? You know my brain will be trying to figure that thing out). I guess what I am trying to say is this: While I do not believe you had anything to do with your friend shacking up with her boss, I however, question your motive for lying to her.

    N.B: BN/Nkem, this is not a confession, this is an Aunty Bella issue. Confessions do not request other people’s opinion or thoughts, a confession is a statement admitting one’s guilt not asking if you are guilty or what you should do?

    • mua

      June 28, 2017 at 1:45 pm

      Did over 54 people actually read this epistle. Wow, I’m impressed.

  8. Ariyike

    June 25, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    To be honest you are at fault to an extent. Because you were desperate to get gist of what was going on in your friend’s life, you had to lie and it’s wrong. You could have encouraged her in a loving and positive way; telling her the truth about your virginity without sounding judgemental. Who knows she might not have been sleeping with her boss, but because you narrated your story of how you slept with your ex might have motivated her to do same with her boss. Why go through all the stress just because of a jist?

  9. Uwamukiza

    June 25, 2017 at 6:29 pm

    You are both foolish dumb idiotic ladies!!! Have some dignity & close your legs to taken men or boys!!!

  10. Sheri

    June 25, 2017 at 6:58 pm

    What kind of friend are you? How can you lie about such? Lol lol lol

    • Beyondfaces...

      June 30, 2017 at 3:55 pm

      @sheri reasons why I don’t have friends. My younger sis is my friend (close pal), we discuss anything…I mean ANYTHING. Damn it!!! that’s so deep mehhnn. lying to get ordinary gist from your friend? You are mean sha.

  11. Papermoon

    June 25, 2017 at 7:13 pm

    Why were you so desperate to get into her business, to the extent of making up stories?

  12. FifiLa

    June 25, 2017 at 9:39 pm

    What have I just read? ?

  13. cocozee

    June 26, 2017 at 12:13 am

    Nice story..the stories are becoming more believe able though..
    Don’t beat your self up..you didn’t force her
    What I don’t get though is why you claim you to have slept with your ex when you didn’t… People are rather claiming to be Virgins

  14. cocozee

    June 26, 2017 at 12:13 am

    You have slept*

  15. Glow

    June 26, 2017 at 12:41 am

    I doff my hat for those of you that were able to make any sense from this complicated confession.
    Sounds like high-school drama! She said this so I said that …smh

  16. Nigerian

    June 26, 2017 at 3:18 am

    Something similar happened to me too, in my case the lady had a baby and said it was my fault. I was a teenager and she was at least 5 years older than me. Our families got along and we lived on the same street. I was leaving their house as she was coming and i lied her boyfriend had been there to look for her and she was not there, i went to my own home. She got pregnant and the guy was and still is a dead beat dad, and as were talking she said it was my fault, that she had gone to see him that faithful day and that was the day she lost her virginity to him and the result was a baby even though he gave her a pill to take.
    I have honestly never felt guilty or responsible, she was an adult and responsible for her own choices and i don’t think you should beat yourself up either over that. Your life and actions should not dictate how she goes about living hers.

  17. Marvel

    June 26, 2017 at 9:34 am

    You read like a bloody nuisance! Your friend seems more intelligent than you as she ‘iced’ you off when her instincts told her plainly of your jealousy. Whether she lost her virginity to a married man or boss, you seem jealous of her life.
    Why lie to find out about what she doesn’t feel concerns you. You don’t care about her, you sound jobless. Get a life!
    When the man leaved her, she will be broken-hearted and she will get on with her life. You, Ms Virgin and bored 2017 understand this, I don’t think your morals are better than hers. You lie about your virginity that should be your pride to get into your friend’s pants and business? You are a low life. Amebo BN.

    • Marvel

      June 26, 2017 at 9:35 am

      Ibon re o when the man leaves not leaved. Ahn, ahn?

  18. Ello Bae

    June 26, 2017 at 6:30 pm

    Like children narrating their stories, “He come and say…She come and say…I now told her that…” What kind of gibberish is this?A completely all over the place cock and bull story.

  19. Karen

    October 3, 2018 at 11:21 am

    Seriously how dare she ? It’s not even the same situation so it’s the only way to react on this issue she doesn’t want to take her own responsability , it’s such a shame poor her abeg leave am she will come around…

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