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Cisi Eze: To That Average Hetero Man (AHEM)

Cisi Eze

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Scrolling through my Twitter timeline last week, I saw tweet.  “I don’t like women with makeup.” Something amusing like that. I laughed. There’s always that average hetero male that believes he should express his opinion on how women should live.

This post is dedicated to that average hetero man (AHEM). (“AHEM” kinda rhymes with “mayhem”.)

The one who narrow us down to bodies, thinking all we have to offer is sex, and that is why he believes a woman visiting him, or inviting him over, is tantamount to her consenting to have sex with him.

This post is for that man who sees us, women, as threats every time we aspire to be the best we can be. He flatters himself to think women want to be like men every time we demand to be treated as humans. He believes he is the yardstick of being human by virtue of having a penis.

I’m writing this to that average hetero man who believes our existence belong to men, and so, he has the right to invade our bodies, our minds, our spaces, even when we insist he desists.

This one is for that man who make us, women, say, “Men are scum.”

***

You’d have us believe all men were the same, but thank goodness for the few men that have shown good examples of how life could be beautiful when men act decently.

(Sips green tea) It’s amusing when you say unfortunate things like: “Women are shallow. They spend so much on weaves.” “I don’t like women that makeup.” “When women wear miniskirts, they are asking for it.” “Men love women with meat, not bones.”

First things first, who asked you? Like, you believe you are that important; ergo, you can give us your unsolicited opinion. At what point did you believe your opinion meant the world to us?

Ask yourself, would you date us if we didn’t use those weaves and makeup you so condemn? Tell me, who are the people liking those pictures of “slay queens” on social media? Who are the ones that crawl into the DMs of women that have slay pictures? And when you slide, do you talk about Bohr and Bernini and Beethoven? That makes you a hypocrite, you know?

You love us shallow.

You love us, Shallow.

You are shallow, and that is why you are attracted to our “shallowness”. “Play a sucker to catch a sucker,” they said.

It is so interesting you have so much to say about our hairs and bodies. Hairs we will not grace your fingers to touch. Bodies we will not give you the privilege to wake up to see, scent, touch.

You are not allowed to tell us what to do with our hairs and bodies.

Then again, I do not blame you. I blame it on a culture that makes it seem as though a woman’s existence is meant for a man.

Another irksome thing you say is “You’re not like the others.”

It. Is. Not. A. Compliment. Saying that makes it seem as though it would be suicidal were you to jump from your high ego down to your IQ. All that distance would surely murder you.

You can appreciate people without comparing them to/with other people.

You can appreciate one woman without putting down other women.

Stop behaving as if we need your validation to live. We do not need your twisted compliments that come across as sexual harassment.

Stop giving us your unasked for opinions because we do not dress for you.

We do not walk for you.

We do not have all that elegance and grace and class, or act “girlie” for you. (What does it even meant to be girly?)

We do not breathe for you.

We do not exist for you.

 We do not exist for you.

We do not exist for your pleasure. (A woman tells you she is bisexual or lesbian, and your soul is delighted. You clap your hands like a happy otter, while tapping your feet about like a happy penguin that just found fish after starving for days. Your mind cooks up the image of a ménage a trios. You think two women together looks hot. Your fingers lustfully type in the leeriest words the devil would not think of stringing together when searching for the right porn videos to quench the thirst inspired by your weird fetish for queer women. Yet when a man tells you he is gay or bisexual, you grow loathsome. How do you thrive being selectively homophobic? How do you walk around with the stench of hypocrisy hovering above your head? One would think the toxic stench would poison you out of existence.)

Our lives, the way we live, belongs to us.

Our. Existence. Is. Not. A. Constant. Audition. For. You. To. Find. Us. Desirable. Enough. For. Marriage.

If we’re slay queens, it is not your business.

If we’re not slay queens, it is not your business.

Stop putting down women for whatever innocuous choice they make. If it does not hurt you, look away!

Stop hinging your ego on how much you feel you can “control” us through the various means – such as slut-shaming, body-shaming – at your disposal.

Most important of all, we were not made for you. (This is the point where people, who believe in talking snakes, start asserting that a woman was made from a man’s rib; hence, women were made for men. Taking into cognisance men and women have equal number of ribs, is it not enough to accept that story is not even true? How do you base subjugating a group of people on an allegory?) Believing we were made for you is the reason you believe you are so important that we want your unrequested opinion.

Stop telling us what to do with our bodies and faces, our hairs, our lives. Keep your opinions on how we should be to yourself. Zip it!

P.S. One of the bravest things a woman can do is to understand her body, her life, belongs to her. Although no one taught us how to, each day teaches us lessons on how to how to reclaim ourselves, own ourselves, bit by bit.

P.P.S. If this irks you, well, I didn’t ask you to be average, abi? (Laughs in wickedness.) You can decide to have sense, and quit the average life. The “Unaverage” hetero men out there don’t have two heads.

Photo Credit: PixelProseImages | Dreamstime.com

Cisi Eze is a Lagos-based freelance journalist, writer, comic artist, and graphics designer. A media and justice fellow of the Bisi Alimi Foundation, she feels strongly about LGBT+ rights, feminism, gender issues, and mental health, and this is expressed through her works on Bella Naija and her blog – Shades of Cisi. Aside these, she has works on Kalahari Review, Holaafrica, Mounting the Moon, Gender IT, Outcast Magazine, Rustin Times, 14: An Anthology of Queer Art Volume 1 and 2, and Sweet Deluge (Issue 2). Cisi’s art challenges existing societal norms.

11 Comments

  1. Cocolette

    June 15, 2017 at 5:37 pm

    “I don’t like women that make up” is different from “women should not wear make up”. Everyone has a right to like what they like Cisi, same way you dislike what you dislike, not everyone must think like you

    • A Real Nigerian

      June 15, 2017 at 5:43 pm

      Yes. You can’t even argue with this lol.

  2. Mohammad

    June 15, 2017 at 5:42 pm

    Wow!! ????????????????
    The truth has never been so powerfully spoken in words! I applaud you!!

  3. LemmeRant

    June 15, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    This is unreal coming from a woman. If I had a kobo 4 every time I heard:

    I hate broke men
    I can’t stand short men
    I can’t date a man without a car.
    My man must ******insert whatever*******

    I really don’t understand what your deal is about. Women even go as far as dictating to other women the type of men they can or can’t date/marry. E.g. “Ladies don’t date a broke man”

    I just don’t have time to start disturbing myself with the endless lists women make. For the SDK people I remember there was a post on this think some weeks ago.

    Buh like I said this is really funny coming from a woman.

    • A Real Nigerian

      June 15, 2017 at 7:08 pm

      Shut up abeg. What do you think you are doing?

      After you have enabled this disgusting patriarchal society and after you and your fellow beasts have had fun slut shaming, body shaming, beating and abusing the women you have enslaved, you want to come here on BN to form “guys are also victims”. Idiot. Go and write your own article to discuss the issues you and your fellow beasts are facing.
      We’ve had enough of your suppression and attention hogging. This is about women, don’t try to make it about men. Kindly f%#% off with your two-faced crap.

  4. Rampage

    June 15, 2017 at 6:36 pm

    “Ask yourself, would you date us if we didn’t use those weaves and makeup you so condemn?”

    Answer: Yes. I consider myself an average hetero male and neither my friends nor I have ever berated or “not dated” a girl for lack of makeup or weaves. The only time I recall being advised not to date a girl was because she was known for sleeping around, how she looked had nothing to do with it.

    In my opinion, a cute girl is cute whether she has bald head or bundles. Most sharp guys see girls with too much makeup as insecure in some way and will try to play on those insecurities to get sex. It’s like that Chris Rock joke, the fact that I wear a police shirt doesn’t mean I’m a cop but I should not be surprised if people keep running to me on the street when they have emergencies. The same way that girls that put on makeup to look like someone else should not be surprised that they keep attracting certain types of guys.

    • A Real Nigerian

      June 15, 2017 at 6:46 pm

      I love the way this comment had a promising start, then gradually devolved into the usual mindless, absurd and idiotic BS typical of all you NIGERIAN MEN.
      Just goes to show that no matter how hard you mask it, your patriarchal, misogynistic and beastly nature will surely find a way to come to the surface.
      Sad.

    • Grace.

      June 19, 2017 at 2:51 am

      Sorry to break it to you, but what you just described is not an average hetero man. Stop being defensive and start being introspective. We’re not talking about you personally. This is an issue bigger than just you or me

  5. Akara Pancake

    June 15, 2017 at 10:10 pm

    At the end of the day, personality plays a huge part in attraction. I cant speak for all men, but I know many chaps like me, who value personality and intelligence over the glam that make-up/fake hair provides.

    But at the same time, a girl has to make an effort to look good. Same way you would want a man clean shaven, properly lotioned and not looking ashy, and looking smart. Dudes also want a chick that is well put together. She does not have to overdo it like say Nicky Minaj. Sometimes the cute simplicity of someone like Janelle Monae is sufficient.

    Everyone has what they are attracted to. For example, I have a huge thing for ebony skinned chicks. That does not mean light skinned girls are not cute. Or should keep kwayet. I also like long hair. And that is because I am bald as hell. Maybe it is some kind of reverse coping mechanism – so shoot me.

    But most importantly I like intelligence. No matter how hot a chick is, if she is crass, that is the end of it. I dont care if she has bomb sex to offer.

    But as pointed out by the first poster, my likes/dislikes do not give me the right to tell a chick how she should look or to alter her looks. If I dont like what I see, I keep it to myself, and keep it moving.

    At the end of the day, one has to imbibe and find self-confidence in their physical attributes. So that no person can make you feel some type of way about yourself through illicit criticism. People will always have something to say about you – good or bad. Its human nature – unfair or not.

    And finally let us be frank with ourselves – women are harsher critics of each other’s physical attributes, hair, clothes and make-up than men are. There are many times, I look through a post of an event on this website, and see great photos of beautiful females everywhere. Then when I get to the comments, I see negative analysis of the pictures usually by female posters. And I scroll up to the photos, to see what the posters were referring to, as I never would have noticed it in the first place

    • An ACTUAL woman

      June 16, 2017 at 11:22 am

      This is EXACTLY what she is talking about in the article. Women DO NOT need your opinion on how we should or should not, or what you like or don’t like!

      She LITERALLY said “At what point did you believe your opinion meant the world to us?” So please, reread the article and check yourself!

      Also it’s because of the patriarchal culture in our society that SOME women believe that they have to compete with each other for looks and stuff. Because SOME women are doing it does not give MEN the permission to do the same thing. It’s like saying that because women are pushing each other into fire that men somehow have the permission to do the same, It doesn’t make sense!

  6. newbie

    June 16, 2017 at 11:39 am

    Everybody has a right to state what they like and what they don’t. So, that you came across a tweet from a man saying he doesn’t like women in makeup is not a crime on his part. He is simply expressing his preference, that way only women who wear no makeup will gravitate towards him, and everybody’s happy. Don’t try to pick holes where there are none, it doesn’t look very clever. And to think this was your opening gambit….

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