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Nkem Says: It Is Not A Woman’s Job To Handle Her Man’s Scheming Ex

Nkem Ndem

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The first time Lola* shared the suspicion that her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend may be out to win him back; I asked her to calm down and not overthink things. The Ex had called Lola’s boyfriend, Obinna*, one of the nights they were together to tell him she had finally decided to relocate to Nigeria and would be based in Lagos as well. Obinna had dated the Ex for 4 years before moving on to Lola, and he had only broken up with the Ex because she had refused to move back to Lagos and start a life with him, despite his marriage proposal to her. Sure, Lola’s suspicion was judicious… but knowing how paranoid she could get, I convinced her to let sleeping dogs lie – get a grip over her emotions, sit back and observe how the situation unfolds. My reason for suggesting this move was because I knew that bringing up the issue already, after only one phone call that he even answered in front of her, would put her at risk of coming off as an obsessive person… and Obinna would find it all highly irritating and unattractive.

Just 5 weeks later, however, Lola called to tell me she had broken up with Obinna. In her words: “the Ex has finally won”. she insisted that she could not handle the relationship anymore as clearly it was an “Ifemelu and Obinze” situation and she was no “Kosi” [Americanah]. According to her narration, Obinna, after the phone call, had gone on to reconnect with Lola as platonic friends. But before long, Obinna stopped updating her on his interactions with the lady. He started to run out the room as soon as his Ex’s name came up on the caller ID, rather than answering the call in front of Lola. The Ex, on the other hand, started to call him incessantly, texting and finding other ways to violate his time with Lola. It was a slow build.

First, the Ex asked him to help her move into her new flat, and he obliged. Next, she started calling him to do other chores that only a husband or boyfriend would do for their partner. The worst part was that Obinna, despite Lola’s insistence that she was uncomfortable with the level of closeness brewing between them as well as their frequent interactions, refused to make it clear to his Ex that he was not available for these “chores.”

For Lola, the straw that broke the camel’s back happened on the afternoon she and Obinna had ‘accidentally’ bumped into the same Ex at Double 4 and Obinna invited her to join them. The Ex, who gladly jumped on the offer and ordered a large plate, took over the conversation and even made some rude remarks to Lola. She blatantly told Lola that she was overweight and would benefit from a fitness program. Lola’s pain was that Obinna even laughed and said: “that’s what I’ve been telling her since, but she is too lazy. She wants to be Orobo thick madam.”

After the lunch, on their way home, Lola asked Obinna why he did not stand up for her. To her shock, Obinna told her off, asking her to be proactive like other girls and learn how to mark her territory instead of draining him with her “petty jealousy”, as he would remain friends with his Ex no matter what Lola said. After he dropped her, my girl sent him a text and asked him to flourish with his ex as she was not prepared to drag him with anyone or be the one to put his Ex in her place. She blocked his number immediately so he is unable to reach her with an apology or anything and unfollowed him on all social media.

Apparently, she had already taken action and there was nothing I could say or do. I am not an advocate for extreme and rash decisions, but the truth is that I probably would have advised her to do the same thing should the Ex’s nonchalant behavior persist in the long run. I believe there is only one way to deal with your man’s ex when she clearly still has her nasty tentacles in his life: Don’t.

Sure, the bonds of relationships are complex and can become complicated when two people are no longer in each other’s lives, but your man’s first and foremost loyalty should be to you (the one he is currently with)- as yours is to him. Yes. Trust him, but stay sharp and don’t be a fool.

Upholding your respect and honor is his large responsibility as your man, and that includes not allowing his ex to cause problems. You should NEVER be the one to the hit his Ex with the cease and desist order or mark any territory. He is the one to handle all of that. He should be able to stand up for you and make it clear that he won’t tolerate any disrespect towards you. If he doesn’t do that, instead allows people – especially his Ex- to get away with causing difficulties between you two, then you have to question his commitment to your relationship. Chances are, he probably does not place any value on you or consider you worthy. If you are where he truly wants to be, he’ll surely make that known by having your back at all times.

Bottom Line: Dating a guy with a suspicious relationship with his ex-girlfriend is a road no one wants to get on.

Sometimes, the Ex may not even have any designs on getting the old thing back, but it sure can be emotionally draining and exhausting. Trust him and ignore the Ex  – after both of you have agreed on the level of communication he can have with the Ex. If, however, you can’t trust him to keep his eyes on you, whether it’s because of his actions or the actions of the persky ex-girlfriend, I’ve got three words for you: Let him go.

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for copywriting, editing and proofreading. She is also a content creator (web, T.V, radio) who has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer. E-mail: [email protected]; IG: @kem_dem; Twitter: @ndemv

38 Comments

  1. i must talk

    June 1, 2017 at 2:13 pm

    This sounds familiar! a Yoruba demon at work.

    • kwinny

      June 1, 2017 at 2:39 pm

      LOL..

    • Anonymous

      June 1, 2017 at 7:54 pm

      I love the way everyone can have fun with the Yoruba demon tag, with no major hassle from the Yorubas. In the future, I hope other tribes do not shout hatred when the joke falls on them, Yoruba demons make Africa interesting!

  2. muyibat

    June 1, 2017 at 2:22 pm

    what if the man in question is your husband and not a boyfriend you can easily discard but with the same exact scenerio

    • After All Said and Done

      June 2, 2017 at 2:04 am

      Call your spiritual father

  3. Meestyk

    June 1, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    I spy with my little brown eyes a new selgzy pishure of Nkem. Ghen ghen!

  4. Deleke

    June 1, 2017 at 2:45 pm

    I trust my wife. She chased all the scheming Exes and even the unknown ones in the future by Fire by Thunder.

  5. Fabulous

    June 1, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    Yassssss. Nkem I agree with you. If dude doesn’t respect you enough to set boundaries with his Ex, then he should keep it moving.
    He’s not a prize that should be competed for.

  6. Mystique

    June 1, 2017 at 3:26 pm

    most Nigerian men are guilty of this nonsense; always making their women feel insecure over nothing. I like that she moved on but i’m upset she didn’t walk away at the point when her weight was brought up. Did he even introduce them? or he just invited the ex over and expected her to “understand”. This guy thinks he’s all that and a bowl of ice cream. Please run away………. very far away. if you’re tired, add my legs and keep running. mscheew

    • gia

      June 1, 2017 at 4:23 pm

      if you’re tired, add my legs and keep running.

      Lmao

    • Mystique

      June 1, 2017 at 5:41 pm

      My dear, can’t understand how she still had the appetite to finish her meal and even ride with the clown in the same car. The guy is so silly.

  7. yummymummycumchick

    June 1, 2017 at 4:01 pm

    if i am into him really, i will chase them away oo, if i sense ulterior motive and i feel my guy is not interested too , not like the poster’s guy ………..we r all kuku somebody’s

  8. Sad story

    June 1, 2017 at 4:02 pm

    Did the exes end up with each other? I think that beca

  9. Sad story

    June 1, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    I think the reason for the breakup was the reason why it was easy for the exes to stay friends and made the scheming ex very successful in her shenanigans.
    The boyfriend wasn’t over his ex….. and I’m sure they ended up with each other. He shouldn’t have allowed his ex insult his present gf.
    o

  10. Jummy

    June 1, 2017 at 4:27 pm

    Gosh. Was ALMOST guilty of this. When we recently started dating, my boyfriend’s ex would ALWAYS hit him up, asking him random questions and calling at odd times. I’m a woman so I knew she wanted back in. She even sent him an old picture of him and captioned it “do you remember this day?” Shuu?

    They had taken breaks a couple of times and had gotten back together, so she thought it was like that this time. But babyboy was done and babygurl had already taken that position. :p

    Anyhow, I felt really uncomfortable and I told him. He swiftly blocked her. I felt good and bad at the same time. I was okay with her hitting up once in a while, but an “every other day” situation didn’t fly with me.

    Thought that one was over. His ex from the UK crept in again earlier this year. I even feared for this one cause the only reason they broke up was because he was moving back to Nigeria. They had not spoken in years and caught up where they spoke to each other every other day.

    The thing did me one kain ehn, but I maintained. Told him I was uncomfortable and he was like communication with her was nothing more than catching up. Trusted him and he was right, the communication fizzled out.

    I won’t lie both times I was almost tempted to do that, my pride did not let me do it. Lai lai! I feel like slapping myself now for even thinking of doing that. LOL

  11. Na wa!

    June 1, 2017 at 4:35 pm

    Lmao! What a Nice girl! My God I would have ripped that ex to shreds in public with words that will cut so deep she will die from shame. In fact she will enter the ground. Then I pour a whole jug of alcohol on her weave and walk out with my man. I am too cold for that.

    • What an ass

      June 1, 2017 at 11:12 pm

      If you’re referring to the scenario described by Nkem, you won’t be walking out with a ‘man’. You’ll be walking out with a donkey.
      If he wants to be with you he won’t embarrass you like that.
      When will women learn

  12. Mary

    June 1, 2017 at 4:43 pm

    As far as he treats me right and I see the Ex is trying to have her way by all means, the best word is IGNORE as I already have my man. It may as well go as far as waking up at night to kabash….pray all the prayer you know and look damned hot always.

  13. SoniaPaloma

    June 1, 2017 at 4:43 pm

    I still remembered being in a relationship with my bf (ex) and the ex gf called him asking to get back. He was shouting at her that he is no longer interested and passed the phone to me to tell her off. I kindly refused and told him I was not there when the going was good for both parties neither do I want to be involved when the going is bad. I also asked him to politely tell the babe off because a break up is never easy. I could see how *shook* he was and concluded I am not crazy about him like most women are when in a relationship. In my mind, him dey mad, make i begin shout or craze because of one man that is not even my husband? the nerve *shiorrrrrrr*

    When it comes to a relationship, I do not wait to find out the answer to 2+2 before I vamoose with immediate effect when I sense any form of disrespect. I believe in ‘do not snoop to find out if your man is cheating if you are not ready to do anything about it’

    Nkem, I commend your friend… she did not only show that she is worth more but also showed this man he can’t get away with disrespecting her. There is so much disregard by the men folks towards women because, you catch your man cheating, you shout, cry and still stay intact and you expect him to continue respecting you? How? Mshwwww

  14. Anony

    June 1, 2017 at 4:51 pm

    Once had a BF and this ex even contacted me. I just ignored her and continued with my man. Best decision ever! He is the best! Still my BF. He also ignored her till she disappeared into the sunset. Iranu

  15. Puzzles

    June 1, 2017 at 5:05 pm

    I love Lola your friend. She’s the real MVP. She just cut short what would have been a prolonged emotionally draining experience for her. Considering why they broke up, Obinna and the Ex would have ended up together or at least had sex, causing Lola a lot of pain and eventually, lack of trust for any new guy that comes her way.

    If Toke had done this a long time ago, she would not be writing “On becoming” 12 years later. Imagine, she could have moved on with a much better man and even forget there was a “Maje” in her life.

    I’ve noticed that it’s immature men who assume that a woman should fight other women for them.

    A man who love you would not give room for another woman to disrespect you, whether ex or family members.

    Puzzles, thou shall never fight or quarrel with another woman over a man. Amen

    • T

      June 1, 2017 at 7:53 pm

      If Toke had done this a long time ago…she would not be making money from writing ‘On becoming’ and all other opportunities that came with it. Ever heard of ‘making lemonade when life throws you lemons?’

      Toke has handled her mistake. You should too.

  16. DAME

    June 1, 2017 at 5:22 pm

    Love your friend’s courage. My now ex would say himself anf the ex gf didn’t fight before they broke up. they broke up their engagement because of geno-type incompatibility so why should he stop being friends with her.
    I mean the whole works of calling in the calling early morning and night and asking all the questions like a girlfriend with…well….that coup[ed with a lot of other things…i left
    Few months later…we spoke and i asked of her…he said …she has stopped calling…guess she has a bf now and i said …after allowing her to ruin your relationship…he was looking…shior

    • I Laff in Swahili

      June 2, 2017 at 11:53 am

      If I were your ex, after that awesome insight from you, I will do the same to her. Blow up her phone till the bf breaks up with her too. Then both of them can start all over again with different people…. petty? I know…

  17. jess

    June 1, 2017 at 5:52 pm

    I love your friend.The only time you should fight for a guy is when devil himself possesses him, then you can fight for him in prayers otherwise save your energy for the gym and fight those calories for a hot body.

  18. Ladybird

    June 1, 2017 at 6:50 pm

    this Obinna guy is annoying and immature…if a man can’t guard his own heart and expects his girlfriend to do that he is truly not worth fighting over..he’ll just be cheating on you…..imagine if he starts a family with you..can you trust him to protect you and your children??,,, nope!!! And. this Obinna…even if he gets together with his ex, they won’t last because they couldn’t even overcome the hurdle and prospect of a long distance relationship.. In addition, the ex by being scheming and making scathing remarks towards the girlfriend shows she has a vindictive personality…she will surely turn that attitude towards Obinna at some point in their relationship…Lola is better off without him..

  19. Akara Pancake

    June 1, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    Nkem, is that you in the main photo? You are cute, damn! Just how I like my women – chocolate skinned with an oval face and full lips. Those braids are fire too!

    • Darius

      June 1, 2017 at 8:04 pm

      @Akara, that’s not Nkem oh. Nkem is not that stunning – who dash her?

    • Nkem Ndem

      Nkem Ndem

      June 1, 2017 at 9:08 pm

      Lol. Thanks @Akara Pancake. That is me indeed. I thought to share something much more recent. You are really good with words you know.

    • Akara Pancake

      June 1, 2017 at 10:01 pm

      Darius that is foul! Besides beauty is nothing without intelligence. Nkem, carry on jare, nothing do you

  20. Authentic Sunshine

    June 1, 2017 at 8:33 pm

    @Darius that’s not a nice thing to say.
    After you’ll wonder why women go all lengths to change their looks to suit your spec and then turn around to deal with you.

  21. Kmt

    June 1, 2017 at 9:16 pm

    @Darius you must be a very sad baboon. have you met her before? Do you know her? It is clear you r one of those people who argue without facts. Empty vessel.kmt

  22. funmilola

    June 1, 2017 at 10:53 pm

    Cool picture….don’t change it abeg.

  23. asake

    June 4, 2017 at 11:31 am

    I dare not walk away. Because when such happened to me. Not even an ex but a friend claiming bestie. Trying to take his time from me. Mean a guy I already Av a beautiful baby girl for. We may not be married yet but its a mutual relationship. Girl I not only rid her off him I frustrated her and trust me. She learnt her lesson when she confronted me in his presence for breaking them up. My man disgraced her and put her in her place. Till date they are enemies and I feel no remorse about it

  24. hymn..

    June 6, 2017 at 12:24 pm

    Sweetheart you sound like a real Asake. lol!
    Yes this theories no be one size fit all actually no two situations are ever perfectly alike.

    In my case I had a beautiful thing going and I was sure the outcome will be enviable then one silly ex came around and started playing being canny. First she came fighting then she starts enticing him then she negotiates lets be friends (with or without benefits) Ha!!! see me.

    I made sure they both felt the hit too much to enter into any funny negotiation because he thought he needed to be civil and matured. For where I made it absolutely impossible.

    12YEARS down the line, we are still happy and it will be forever after. I just imagine if i did not fight for what i believed was worth the fight……

    • asake

      June 6, 2017 at 4:55 pm

      My dear that’s the spirit fight for what’s worth fighting for

  25. Halle

    August 23, 2017 at 11:45 am

    Me, I was the one they blocked ooo…. hahaha
    We didnt even date sef, just that he had been on my case for the longest time and we were super close.
    He finally moved on to date someone else and to pledge his allegiance to her, he blocked me
    lol… I wasnt even buzzing sef, (didnt realize the *blockage* till like 5months after)
    but hey, he over earned my respect
    A guy that would put his foot down for his woman and avoid *temptations*

    • Oba

      August 28, 2017 at 3:49 pm

      Might take a cue from this.

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