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Honouring the Bro Code When You Both Want the Same Girl

Nkem Ndem

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Think of the Bro Code, and picture this: Ude finally meets the girl of his dreams. She is everything: pretty, witty, strong sense of humor, a genuine believer , loves football and can sustain an intellectual conversation. He gushes about her on game night with his bro, Jide. A couple of days later, he finds out that Jide not only knows the girl, but is also very much besotted with her.

Ude and Jide, having known each other since primary school, have stuck with each other through thick and thin- they traveled to the UK to do their Masters together, came back at the same time, started a business together and even share the same apartment.
Furthermore, they worship in the same church where they each met the girl. Ude is in the Media department, while Jide is an usher. The girl in question is still attending Bible foundation classes and is hoping to join a unit in the church afterward. What do they do?

Think about this situation for a while. Very dicey, yes? What would happen if both Jide and Ude stubbornly chase after the girl? What if the girl chooses one of them? Even worse… what if the girl decides to play games with them? Unless the guys are liberal or polyamorous, chances are their friendship would suffer a lot of tension, misunderstandings, competition, and beef …which would definitely bring it to an end.

Men are egotistical beings. Many of them would prefer to give it a fight, go for the girl and lose a friend…just so they can defend their pride. A few others, however (and for the sake of the same ego), will give up the chase and leave the girl to their friend. They would rather endure their friend sweeping in and taking the girl they are interested in, than get rejected by a girl they did not have much chance winning over from the start.

The amusing and rather irritating idea of fighting over a love interest is usually attributed to women; but it is a very common occurrence amongst bros as well. It is not a teenage thing; it can happen at any age: 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s. Also, it could be a struggle with a boss, a work colleague, a best bud or worse, a sibling. Here are some things to consider if you find yourself in this love triangle.

Weigh your options objectively
Before you go into Hulk Hogan mode, sit down and weigh your options objectively. The girl could be someone special in your life and you want to follow your heart …but you don’t want to do so at the expense of your friend!

Ask some questions and do the needed research. Is the girl even available and is she really into any of you? Which one of you is more emotionally invested and serious about her? If she is not available (single), you are off the hook; if she is available and you see the signs that she is into your friend, it is easier to ‘form’ saint and back down. However, if she is available and you do not know how she feels, or she is into you, it becomes very difficult to let the ball drop. Proceed to the next step.

Talk it out with your bro
Communication can resolve almost anything. In the scenario above, where Ude gushed over the girl and Jide indicated his interest in the girl as well, it is clear that both parties are friends who can actually talk about emotional things with one another and they are each aware of the other’s intention towards the girl. In such a case, reaching a compromise is easy.

They have the following options: One person could just back down; the two could agree not to pursue her… despite her feelings or anyone’s feelings; or both could set some ground rules for pursuing the girl. That way, they do not lose their friendship in the process.

If, however, they both know that they are interested in the same girl and they are not the kind of bros who talk about such emotional ‘girly’ things, it becomes harder to resolve. Anger and resentment come in and it becomes a competition. If you find yourself this case, be the better one. Man up. Talk calmly and objectively to your friend about the situation. Go over the facts and consider important points(such as the girl’s feelings).Upon doing that, try and reach a decision you both are comfortable with. It is the only way to resolve the issue and save your friendship.

Let the girl decide
In the case where you and your friend have had a talk and none of you are willing to back down or set ground rules, the best move would be to let the girl decide on her own who she wants. This does not mean that you literally ask her to pick between the two of you. It could work, but you don’t really want to be that dramatic. It is not a movie.

When you think about it really, getting the girl has little to do with you or your bro, and everything to do with what the girl wants for herself. She will gravitate the person she prefers. Her actions will make her choice very clear. In some cases, the girl may notice the competition between the two friends and try to take advantage of it so that she can bask in all the attention. If she pretends she is not able to choose between the two as she likes them both and does not want to lose either one, she is a ‘betch’. Drop her like it’s hot. Either that or you go gangster and set a deadline for her to make a decision. The longer it stretches the more toxic it becomes.

Take the crown with humility or bow out gracefully
As expected, the girl has made a choice, and her choice is ‘you’. You are excited and feel victorious… but you have to keep that excitement to yourself and not rub it on your friends face. No shots below the belt. You don’t want to waste your beautiful friendship, simply because you got the girl and he didn’t. Rejection sucks, and guys generally do not like to lose at things. You do not want to push him to the wall.

If on the other hand, the girl chooses the other guy over you, brother just sit down. Be humble. You will be alright. Sure you will nurse a bruised ego, especially if you put in your best in the chase, but you have to keep in mind that “shit happens”. Do not be bitter and get mad at the girl or your friend…or even plot a nasty revenge. Don’t hang onto the idea that your friend took the love of your life away from you either. Be happy for them. It is the best you can do really.

Have you and your bro ever fallen for the same girl? What did you do? What do you think is the best way to handle this situation? Share your thoughts and stories.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | © Kadettmann

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for copywriting, editing and proofreading. She is also a content creator (web, T.V, radio) who has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer. E-mail: [email protected]; IG: @kem_dem; Twitter: @ndemv

15 Comments

  1. Denike

    July 13, 2017 at 1:42 am

    Wow. This happened to me. Met Hubby when I just got into school and he just graduated from the same school. Three times he we exchanged numbers, three times we both lost our phones or it got damaged. Finally ran into him in Lagos where I am based and he was doing his internship (he is a doctor). We both wrote our numbers on our hands so this time no excuse. Lol. So bros was very busy with internship and couldn’t chase me but I liked him very well and didn’t mind visiting him at his hospital. (I would sit for 3 hours and endure nurse gossip just to spend 30 minutes visiting. We would go and eat chicken leg pepper soup) it helped a lot that an older friend of mine was helping me cut my teeth in journalism so that was the perfect excuse to go visit Bobo since they stayed in the same area. In all, bobo never made his intention known. I’m Yoruba, he is igbo,dad who I’m super close to had a strong dislike for igbos so here I am testing new waters but one thing was for sure. I had fallen in love with this yellow hunk. (Why else will I be eating chicken leg peppersoup, NOT chicken meat oh!! Leg!!!???? after sitting for 3 hours). Fast forward, I met bobo’s best friend. He is also a doctor. Erm…… did I mention I have a thing for doctors? I had medical issues and I just wanted what was in their brain. Oh and i am attracted to intelligent men. Bobo’s bestie was all over me. He had come visiting and was staying in the doctor’s quarters which I had graduated to waiting in. We would gist for hours. He is VERY intelligent and wasted no time in making his intentions known. Meanwhile, bobo is still slacking. Not a single “I like you” not to talk of toasting. I became confused. Isn’t he interested in me with all these green light. I had 3 Yoruba suitors but I was chasing this Igbo boy who refused to say anything. I asked a few friends for advice and they said I should go with the one that toasted me after all, I don try give green light to the one I like. Erm but I’m not sure I’m attracted to him, just his nice character and his intellect. Well the one that you liked didn’t toast you nah! My friends said. Don’t worry, you will grow to love the one that toasted you. That was how I started dating the bestie. He was loving. I had gone back to school and one day, bobo called me saying he heard I was dating his bestie. Yes I am. “But you know I really like you ” “well I waited for ages and you never said anything ” I got confused. ” but I want you and you know it” well you never said so. So if you want me , you have to ask cos I hate ambiguity. Bobo said it there and then and told me he had talked it over with bestie about chancing him. So I ask him right there on the phone if he wanted a relationship, he said yes. Gave me one week to dump bestie. I did by text ASAP. God forgive me. Bobo and I have been married for almost 7 years with 3 kids. He is still best friends with his bestie.

    • curi0s

      July 13, 2017 at 12:05 pm

      wow! thanks for sharing your story…i enjoyed reading….

    • Ephi

      July 13, 2017 at 12:15 pm

      Awww your story is so interesting, although I wish you had spaced it a bit sha to make for easy reading. I like the way it all ended well for all 3 parties involved. Nice one. .

    • sooofo

      July 17, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      Come i have questions……. how did bestie take it? didyou kiss/gbensh while dating? did you av any fun time? how do you cope around yourselves now? how did people around you who knew take it? do you ever miss the bestie? do you ever talk aboutt it now? do you look at yourself somehow now??????

      Sorry na my blood e dey

  2. Bros united

    July 13, 2017 at 8:29 am

    Bros over hoes men! No dulling. There will be other girls, there are plenty in the sea but hard to find a true brother that sticks through thick and thin.

    • Bodunade

      July 13, 2017 at 9:13 am

      Bros over Hoes is offensive bro..
      Oversimplification and generalization of women in 2017 sounds pretty intelligent.
      I know what you mean is Long-term friendships over short-term romantic affairs but i am taking offence.
      NB; It is about time i start taking offence at everything that is not PC. I am very desperate to join the #Woke movement!

  3. williams

    July 13, 2017 at 8:53 am

    I will back down big time, believe me when I tell you its hard to find a true friend

  4. U.O.

    July 13, 2017 at 12:21 pm

    Bro code, sis code. If my sis was pretty connected to a dude, I do not think there’s any level of hotness in that dude that’ll turn me on. He’ll either be a bro in my mind or a monster. Lol no warm and fuzzy feelings on my part… just my opinion sha. People could be in different levels of desperation that makes them choose differently. #justsaying… who am I to judge? Lol

  5. Puzzles

    July 13, 2017 at 2:13 pm

    From what i’ve seen , guys would discuss with each other then one would back down for their friend. They would even be happy for the guy sef.

    It’s ladies that i’ve seen that forget friendship and fight over a guy.

    Most guys respect the Bro Code. “Bros over Hoes” as Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) would say.

    Most ladies don’t respect the girl code, if there is any. Sadly, we’ve heard tales of ladies betrayed by their best friends (and even sisters) over a guy. I happen to know quite a number and the ‘winning’ party wasn’t sorry about the end of their friendship.

    Please note, this is based on my own experience, what i have seen. Another person might have a reverse experience.

    I’ve never seen two best friends (guys) fight over a girl. The reverse is the case for ladies.

  6. Jigga

    July 13, 2017 at 3:41 pm

    There’s a reason it is called the Bro code. It is stronger than you know. Two strangers will fight over a girl rather than two friends/bros.
    The Ego you talk about is mainly about men not wanting to lose more than ensuring that they win. They would rather back down than go toe to toe with a Bro…so in summary, yes it’s Bros over Hoes. No Homo!

  7. labi francis

    July 13, 2017 at 4:33 pm

    Awesome

  8. Cynical

    July 13, 2017 at 4:34 pm

    Hmmmm…… Nkem. You know what I think will help. Y not let’s have a day for your articles,Once a week so you have enough time to research and get enough inspiration for an article. @Atoke, I write this in response to your comment about ‘not knocking someone else’s hustle’.

    • Oversabi

      July 13, 2017 at 5:21 pm

      @cynical if you dint find this article insipring you wouldnt have read it enough to come to the comment section to yarn trash. Looking forward to Nkem’s article brings me to BN everyday and i think she is super creative to be to spin out such well articulated articles almost everyday and with such commitment. None of her articles are boring
      None! It is astonishing. Im sure if you have 8 months you still wont be able to write something half as good as this partuclar article. Empty cymbals make the loudest noise. Please go and sit down. If you want to tell someone how to run their blog, go and open yours. Simple.

  9. Wendy

    July 13, 2017 at 10:25 pm

    It’s definitely bros over ‘hoes’. But from experience, I know for a fact that that a man will dump his best friend for a WOMAN he wants. They will now fake reconcile after he has proposed to or married the chick.
    Continue deceiving unaselves… men that can kill their own brothers over pumpum.

  10. Kizzle

    July 19, 2017 at 10:25 pm

    Wow is all I can say ????????

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