Romance is a beautiful thing but it rarely happens as shown in movies or written in books. For the most part of my teen years, I had a romance novel in my hands. These novels were a source of entertainment and improved my grammar. However, after years of reading about romance and happily ever afters, I cannot stand these novels anymore. If for some reason I have to read one, I find myself rolling my eyes very often.
Here are some things I’ve learned from romance novels
- The Cinderella relationship is very common. I have learnt that the possibility of a maid marrying a billionaire is very high. A princess (well on her way to becoming a queen) is usually willing to give up her throne to be with the man that captured her heart.
- If you get pregnant for a millionaire or billionaire, he will chase after you and in most cases force you to marry him even if you refuse. The chase is even more intense if you have twins. (Bonus point: Your beau will be able to tell that they are his children just by looking at them).
- There is no unattractive hero: In a romance novel, even a one eyed, one eared ,half face scarred man is not ugly, No! He is handsome in a rugged way or he is a scarred masterpiece. A less than attractive woman is usually described as homely, loving and ends up being referred to as beautiful at some point.
- Every millionaire or billionaire has a private island: I have learnt that there are just so many islands around, waiting to be sold. These islands are usually mentioned when the billionaire in question is whisking away his new wife or when he hides away his pregnant mistress or wife from the press (Bonus point: he goes to his private island with a private helicopter that he sometimes flies himself).
- There is always an evil twin: In these romance novels, there is always a girl who is quiet and withdrawn. She has a twin sister who is obnoxious and popular. In most cases, the popular twin smears the name of her shy counterpart but the hero always finds out what a gem the shy twin is of course.
- Having pointed out the evil twin situation, there is always a good brother and bad brother. These men could be twins too but the good brother always cleans up the mess left by the bad brother. It is also popular for the good brother to marry the bad brother’s pregnant ex and adopt the pregnant woman’s baby as his child. He always falls in love as time goes by.
- Everyone always has excuses: Excuses are the only reason why some novels get to the happily ever after end. Even if the hero is sent a picture of his woman kissing someone else, she has a perfectly reasonable explanation. Forget pictures, in romance novels you could see your partner butt naked with another woman but a reasonable explanation will arise.
- When you break up with the love of your life, you stop eating and lose unreasonable amounts of weight in a short period of time. In romance novels, stress eating or heart break related binge eating rarely exists. I never realized this until I got much older.
- You know that rude fuck-boy that everybody avoids? The heroine pursues him, invests her love and time. Despite the fact that he abuses her emotionally, she tries to change him. Of course, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation or excuse for his behavior (see number 7). One of the most common excuses used for fuck-boys in romance novels is that their parent was emotionally detached. The excuse that makes me want to punch someone is that their parent was a druggie who hurt them.
- Even if a woman has been told by multiple doctors that she cannot have babies, the one night stand with the man she never intends to see again is the answer. The hero always has supernatural sperm that defies the laws of nature and impregnates any thing (living or non-living) within reach.
- Arranged marriages have a very high success rate. The relationship always starts with hate or dislike. Later comes the realization that neither partner is as bad as imagined. After this comes the excuse for the bad behavior and love sprouts overnights and all is well.
- A near death encounter will make a fuck-boy confess his love for his girlfriend. Usually it will speed up his marriage proposal. Even if he does not propose, it makes him realize that he cannot live without her.
- Bad sex does not exist. Even virgins get to their peak multiple times the first time. Everyone is multi-orgasmic; the hero is always hung and ready for action at any time.
- Vampires, werewolves, shape-shifters and other paranormal creatures make the best boyfriends and husbands…lets be honest, its all the rage.
I find these things funny now but once they were the stuff dreams were made of. This was written from a woman’s perspective. If you have any contributions to this list, leave it in the comment section and keep the fun going.
Photo Credit: Darrinhenry | Dreamstime