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Mofe Awala-Ale: Lessons I Have Learnt From Reading Romance Novels

Mofe

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Romance is a beautiful thing but it rarely happens as shown in movies or written in books. For the most part of my teen years, I had a romance novel in my hands. These novels were a source of entertainment and improved my grammar. However, after years of reading about romance and happily ever afters, I cannot stand these novels anymore. If for some reason I have to read one, I find myself rolling my eyes very often.

Here are some things I’ve learned from romance novels

  1. The Cinderella relationship is very common. I have learnt that the possibility of a maid marrying a billionaire is very high. A princess (well on her way to becoming a queen) is usually willing to give up her throne to be with the man that captured her heart.
  2. If you get pregnant for a millionaire or billionaire, he will chase after you and in most cases force you to marry him even if you refuse. The chase is even more intense if you have twins. (Bonus point: Your beau will be able to tell that they are his children just by looking at them).
  3. There is no unattractive hero: In a romance novel, even a one eyed, one eared ,half face scarred man is not ugly, No! He is handsome in a rugged way or he is a scarred masterpiece. A less than attractive woman is usually described as homely, loving and ends up being referred to as beautiful at some point.
  4. Every millionaire or billionaire has a private island: I have learnt that there are just so many islands around, waiting to be sold. These islands are usually mentioned when the billionaire in question is whisking away his new wife or when he hides away his pregnant mistress or wife from the press (Bonus point: he goes to his private island with a private helicopter that he sometimes flies himself).
  5. There is always an evil twin: In these romance novels, there is always a girl who is quiet and withdrawn. She has a twin sister who is obnoxious and popular. In most cases, the popular twin smears the name of her shy counterpart but the hero always finds out what a gem the shy twin is of course.
  6. Having pointed out the evil twin situation, there is always a good brother and bad brother. These men could be twins too but the good brother always cleans up the mess left by the bad brother. It is also popular for the good brother to marry the bad brother’s pregnant ex and adopt the pregnant woman’s baby as his child. He always falls in love as time goes by.
  7. Everyone always has excuses: Excuses are the only reason why some novels get to the happily ever after end. Even if the hero is sent a picture of his woman kissing someone else, she has a perfectly reasonable explanation. Forget pictures, in romance novels you could see your partner butt naked with another woman but a reasonable explanation will arise.
  8. When you break up with the love of your life, you stop eating and lose unreasonable amounts of weight in a short period of time. In romance novels, stress eating or heart break related binge eating rarely exists. I never realized this until I got much older.
  9. You know that rude fuck-boy that everybody avoids?  The heroine pursues him, invests her love and time. Despite the fact that he abuses her emotionally, she tries to change him. Of course, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation or excuse for his behavior (see number 7). One of the most common excuses used for fuck-boys in romance novels is that their parent was emotionally detached. The excuse that makes me want to punch someone is that their parent was a druggie who hurt them.
  10. Even if a woman has been told by multiple doctors that she cannot have babies, the one night stand with the man she never intends to see again is the answer. The hero always has supernatural sperm that defies the laws of nature and impregnates any thing (living or non-living) within reach.
  11. Arranged marriages have a very high success rate. The relationship always starts with hate or dislike. Later comes the realization that neither partner is as bad as imagined. After this comes the excuse for the bad behavior and love sprouts overnights and all is well.
  12. A near death encounter will make a fuck-boy  confess his love for his girlfriend. Usually it will speed up his marriage proposal. Even if he does not propose, it makes him realize that he cannot live without her.
  13. Bad sex does not exist. Even virgins get to their peak multiple times the first time. Everyone is multi-orgasmic; the hero is always hung and ready for action at any time.
  14. Vampires, werewolves, shape-shifters and other paranormal creatures make the best boyfriends and husbands…lets be honest, its all the rage.

I find these things funny now but once they were the stuff dreams were made of. This was written from a woman’s perspective.  If you have any contributions to this list, leave it in the comment section and keep the fun going.

Photo Credit: Darrinhenry | Dreamstime

Mofe is a writer and self-taught baker with a growing interest in product photography and she just acquired a Masters degree in International Relations. She is a writer, recipe reviewer and amateur food photographer on ThisBaker I am @This_Baker on Instagram.

23 Comments

  1. ND babe

    August 17, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    LOL. that one “consign” you oh. We read these novels for the sake of escapism. Not because we are trying to learn about romance. Everybody knows it is the figment of the imagination of a very imaginative author. I love those books though. Makes me feel that there is something better than the nasty piece of dry wood I have next to me.

    • ND babe

      August 17, 2017 at 1:58 pm

      These books keep me going. LOLOL

    • Sarah

      August 17, 2017 at 2:13 pm

      MEGA LOL!!!

  2. IQ

    August 17, 2017 at 2:04 pm

    That number 12 was just wickedness by all them authors.

    The intense pain came as a rude shock. More so when it refused to end after weeks, made me think something was wrong with me.

    • The Style Aide

      August 18, 2017 at 10:51 am

      ????????????

  3. Chu

    August 17, 2017 at 2:05 pm

    Or the most common theme, the hero starts out as a villain and after several run ins, and possibly some rough sex, if a harlequin novel, the heroine falls in love with him.

    Or it starts out all good and you know a fight must spoil things, then are settle at the end and love wins at last.

    Now I can’t believe I actually read those stuff.

  4. Lovely

    August 17, 2017 at 2:52 pm

    This is soo nice.

    My number 13 was sooo horrible, I assumed I was probably frigid for a long time and hated the guy sef.

    Do a piece on motivational books as I believe some have the same effects as romance novels with idealistic theories that have no pragmatic depth making their ardents act weird and out of touch with reality.

    • Mofe

      Mofe Awala-Ale

      August 22, 2017 at 11:35 pm

      Thank you. Will look into writing one on motivational books too. Thank you for the suggestion.
      The multi-orgasmic virgin is the romance novel cliche i hate the most. Totally misleading.

  5. Adesuwa

    August 17, 2017 at 3:03 pm

    No.13 gets me irritated, how is it that even virgins are able to go 1million rounds with out getting tired, so unrealistic.

  6. Riri

    August 17, 2017 at 4:23 pm

    That is how I was expecting my first kiss to be “earth shattering-stomach melting-angels singing- legs lifting- dizzying- soul lifting” kinnda experience. Imagine my rude shock when after closing my eyes and waiting for my earth shaking feeling that day I stole my first kiss, Omo, it was just blehhh. All I felt was lip on lip, skin on skin. My disappointment was too much mehnn.
    These books really planted some unrealistic expectations into my mind eh. But I still love to read them tho. I can’t resist sha

    • Mofe

      Mofe Awala-Ale

      August 22, 2017 at 11:29 pm

      Your expectations had me laughing sha!!! These books raise the bar so high.

  7. Hashva

    August 17, 2017 at 4:48 pm

    still my lil’ guilty pleasure 🙂

  8. Rhythm

    August 17, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    Very apt. Jackie Collins easily comes to mind esp no. 13. I love that woman. I don’t think I can read her now but I still haven’t read any author as much as i’ve read her. Rest on Jackie!!!

  9. Manny

    August 17, 2017 at 6:25 pm

    Barbara Cartland’s novels were the worst. Emotionally abusive widower Dukes, marquises, earls & counts and their poor doomed for eternal spinsterhood governesses. Oh and the unloved children that she transforms into model citizens.
    Rolling my eyes also at all the foolish Mills and Booms that I read.

    • Mofe

      Mofe Awala-Ale

      August 22, 2017 at 11:32 pm

      Romance Novel Logic – The more emotionally abusive the handsome, rich man is, the stronger the love in most cases.

  10. Daphne _647

    August 17, 2017 at 7:33 pm

    Nora Roberts, penny Jordan, Laura Lynn , Johanna Lindsey, Jude devereaux, I read them all???.
    This article had me in stitches

  11. No Headaches Please

    August 17, 2017 at 8:23 pm

    Permit me please?

    15: Everyone has fresh sweet breath.
    Yes even after 9 hours of near corpse like sleep (after a luxurious dinner proceeded by all night bednastics) both hero and ‘shero’ awake to breath smelling like scented candles and proceed to immediately exchange saliva. *yimu

    16: Said hero is always TALL.
    Because on Planet Romance all the bowlegged, pimple faced, pot bellied, big bum bummed, vertically challenged men are occupied with other suitable vocations such as security guard, hotdog/pizza and meatloaf delivery boy, landlord, cobweb destroyer etc.
    Not our tall manly hero who saves the world with his manly biceps and flat buns. He may or may not be a member of beard gang. If he’s not, he never gets those ‘poko poko’ that guys get when shaving.

    See the nonsense I’ve been reading for years? ?

    … goes back to reading Suzanne Brockman. ??

    • Mofe

      Mofe Awala-Ale

      August 22, 2017 at 10:56 pm

      I nearly choked laughing. LOL. Please gimme chance so i can faint ooh. LMAO

  12. gurl_wendy

    August 17, 2017 at 10:40 pm

    Ha, ha, ha, I really laughed at the part of the half scarred man, I’ve started rolling my eyes whenever I get to the part where it describes the hero as being ruggedly handsome with a scar that runs from his ear to his jaw, how on earth is that handsome, dude is scarred for life, maimed, damaged goods.

  13. 3ples

    August 18, 2017 at 3:06 pm

    Lmao at all the comments…. y’all forgetting the part where body odor is described as masculine sexy smell….Lmao!!!!

    • Mofe

      Mofe Awala-Ale

      August 22, 2017 at 10:50 pm

      Masculine sexy smell=Nasty in real life (Especially in the historical novels). In the book, the author is like ‘he had the scent of a man that had been hard at work’. LOL

  14. Maxie

    August 22, 2017 at 4:21 pm

    So true … Authors like Sylvia Day and EL James will make you think that all the Rich guys in Naija are like Gideon Cross and Christian Gray. OYO for you!! lol
    Nice one dear writer, i can relate to all of these joor.

    • Mofe

      Mofe Awala-Ale

      August 22, 2017 at 10:47 pm

      Thank you. E.L. James got girls out here looking for their young billionaire who will tie them up.

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