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Ikeoluwa Dosu: Shoot Your Shot

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I have noticed this wave of, how do I put it…encouragement for ladies to make a move, when they meet someone that they find attractive. I must say this attraction may go beyond looks.

A simple ‘hello’ or liking a couple of pictures on social media does not seem to be sufficient. On the contrary, it has to be this explicit ‘are you single? If so, I’m available and here’s my number’ type move. Personally, I am not quite there and doubt I ever will be. I am not that bold and more importantly from my view the balance of power is just not in our favour as women. I don’t think this movement will provide the best outcomes from women and as such take off. Before you outrightly disagree, hear me out.

As a general rule of thumb, men will say yes to near enough anything, when there is a potential for sex. Men, tell yourselves the truth. A woman making a move is making life easier for them; cut to the chase and get straight to the goodies perhaps. Secondly a man getting his infamous ego stroked by being approached by a woman will more than often result in short term positive outcomes for the ‘strokee’. That is to say the man may respond and give the green light because two boxes are being ticked – increased likelihood of sex and an ego boost. When a woman is looking for an exclusive long-term relationship, as is more than often the case, this may present a problem. Ultimately the ball is still in the man’s court. The man may play along because everything feels good. However there must be a readiness and genuine interest in order to develop any potential serious relationship.

On the flip side of things, a man with a rigid traditional outlook, (LARGE ego and strong sense of pride) may feel emasculated by such an approach. For many – men and women – this is not the usual state of play. All things being equal (or not) men choose, men chase and men (sometimes) conquer. That’s how it goes; so, when a woman wants to come and mess that dynamic up, many men don’t know how to respond. Some are turned off altogether and some consciously decide these are signs of a trait (forward/go getter) they would not want their woman to have. Again, men hold the balance of power and will exercise it by rejecting such an advance.

There is another way men can view such a move – ideally this is the best scenario. To a man, such a move can signal that this woman knows what she wants and goes after it. This can further suggest that she will be a useful ally and asset in a partnership. It is different, as this is still a new feat for most women and that might be what such a man has been looking for all this time – a breath of fresh air. Such a man is interested in knowing more. Even if the initial response is based on the increased likelihood of sex, there is something outside of that which he has identified and assessed as positive. Unfortunately, again the woman is reliant on the man responding to her advance.

I know what you are thinking: this also works in reverse, and men are reliant on women responding to their advances. However, it is not that quite simple. The wider game is already rigged in the favour of men. From demographic factors such as population, economic factors such as gender pay disparities, to the social myths that marriage is the ultimate purpose of a woman – any man is catch. So, not only are men well advanced in the skill of shooting their shot with years of practice, men that shoot their shot even when they are perhaps not the best catch in a number of ways are often still given a fair shot by women. Why? Well, aside the reasons I set out above, women have been told to look for ‘potential’, because (good) men are ‘scarce’.

Oh I forgot to mention, one reason why this movement may not take off is because lots of women are accustomed to the chase and quite frankly some revel in the attention of it all.

Ok, bye ladies. Actually, before I go, whatever your thoughts are on this approach, if you see what you want, go for it. Opportunity knocks but once, sometimes.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

A prolific iphone note writer who every once in a while coerces herself to writing ‘properly’. I am a full time diaspora babe with a heart for home – wherever that is – identity crisis much?! A pessimistic believer with a touch of shade. International development is formally my thing – this leaves me ranting often so I soothe myself with songs and a place far away from this world.

6 Comments

  1. bodunade

    December 6, 2017 at 4:50 pm

    Funny read.

    Most of what you said is spot on but I don’t agree with this point:
    “There is another way men can view such a move – ideally this is the best scenario. To a man, such a move can signal that this woman knows what she wants and goes after it”
    So many ladies assume men are afraid of their success. I wonder why? Not true for me or any of my friends.
    Back to the matter at hand, the problem is not that the man is afraid of her go-getter attitude, the problem is that we might see her as desperate or an ‘hoe-losho’ running after every tom,dick & dick ( most African men think like this not all, I said most meaning 97 %lol)
    Sisters, if you dey this country shoot your shot but be subtle. if the guy is not catching the hints drop some more but NEVER ask him to date you. it will backfire 99℅ of the time.

  2. bodunade

    December 6, 2017 at 4:53 pm

    Funny read.

    This is spot on, Just one issue :
    “There is another way men can view such a move – ideally this is the best scenario. To a man, such a move can signal that this woman knows what she wants and goes after it”
    So many ladies assume men are afraid of their success. I wonder why? Not true for me or any of my friend.
    Back to the matter at hand, the problem is not that the man is afraid of her go-getter attitude, the problem is that we might see her as desperate or an ‘hoe-losho’ running after every tom,dick & dick ( most Nigerian men think like this not all, I said most meaning 97 %lol)
    Sisters, if you dey this country shoot your shot but be subtle. if the guy is not catching the hints drop some more but NEVER ask him to date you. it will backfire 99℅ of the time.

  3. Jummy

    December 6, 2017 at 5:03 pm

    Used to be the girl who would straight up let a guy know I liked him and would show it. I’ve always been very expressive and when I liked a guy i saw no reason to not let him know that I did. Anyways, all those led nowhere.

    When I met my current boyfriend 2 years ago, I wasn’t even into him. I was interested in someone else. But I had never seen a man actively woo me. Like he out effort into letting me know he fancied me and wanted something serious with me.

    For the first time, I didn’t pay for absolutely anything on a date. No uber, no food, nothing. Normally I’d go Dutch or even pay for both of us. But I didn’t for about four dates and I loved it! I felt uber spoiled. So I guess behind all that “I’m an independent woman and I pay my own bills” persona, I still loved a bit of traditionalism.

    I never thought I’d like that kind of thing but boy did I love it! 2 years with a few ups and downs but I don’t regret letting him into my life.

    Plus he showed me a new perspective on men. If a man wants you, he will do ALL he can to have you. If he’s not, then he’s not that into you. And I don’t mean just financially. I mean in every possible way.

    So he’s set a new precedence for other guys; either you go the 100 or nothing at all. So personally, doing the wooing never worked for me but the opposite.

  4. Ikeoluwa Dosu

    December 6, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    Awww jummy, that is super sweet. I think I’m with you – can’t risk it. Given my perception of the power balance I think best to hear it loud and clear (actions and words) from the guy. All the best xx

  5. Hopeless lover

    December 6, 2017 at 7:02 pm

    Please how did you make the emotional shift from being interested in some one else to being interested in your present boyfriend? I wouldn’t call myself a go-geter, but when im into a guy, my green light is very BRIGHT! LOL!
    There is someone I’m really Hung up on. I cant seem to let go of my determination to have him. initially he seemed interested, but back then (2015) i was scared and had my doubts (he is a hot boy and i think he knows it….. PLAYER ALERT).
    Although i am abit of an introvert, i still tried to let him know i was into him. i put him on a long thing, i guess i just wanted to see how much he desired me… well now, it seems the flame has died due to my delay (well on his part). but im still in too deep and I think he has stopped sending me.
    I need to free myself emotionally and focus on the other guys who are coming around, but i cant seem to do that. we never dated or even had sex (I’m a virgin) but hes the only one Iv’e ever let myself open up to sexually. The unbelievable attraction, curiosity and (YES I ADMIT IT) lust i feel just wont die no matter how much i pray (lol) or tell myself its wrong. All this pent up feelings are just directed at him. All other guys seem dead to me……… HELP!!!!

    • Sisi

      December 6, 2017 at 8:10 pm

      Wowwwuuu babygirl, this one pass me o. If the flame has truly died (are you brave enough to confirm this with him?) I think you need to go cold turkey. Red flags – he knows he is a hot boy and player. Save yourself the drama, you are a novice in his world.

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