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Nkem Says: Preferring a Partner with Money Doesn’t Mean You’re a Gold Digger

Nkem Ndem

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I recently received a phone call from one of my close friends who lives in Abuja. The last time we spoke, she had hinted on the fact that she would be visiting Lagos this Easter, so I was a little excited. It turned out she was calling to let me in on her flight details, and to my surprise she said to me that she was visiting with a couple of her friends who had never visited Lagos before. She said she also thought I would like one of the guys.

It was clear she already had plans to hook me up with the guy.  And  considering that I am single, I was a little excited. To avoid disappointment, I asked her a few questions.

One of the questions I asked was what he does for a living and how much he possibly makes; to that she responded: Why are you asking for that? Should it matter?” I said to her: “Yes, It does. I don’t want a broke dude”.

She paused for a few seconds, then  started to lecture me on how I should not be like the shallow minded Lagos girls who are superficial, too blind to see someone’s potential and only value a man for his financial status.

I could see where she was going, how she was trying to imply that I’m a gold digger, and shame me for it. I said: “Baby girl, I get that you believe you are giving me good advice, but I am going to do you a solid and stop you right there. First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me being concerned about a potential date’s financial status. At this point in my life, I am not going to hook up with anyone I don’t see a possibility with…and I want a possibility  with someone whose  account is solid and better than mine.  Secondly, as for the “potential”, I would rather be with a man for his reality rather than his potential; that way there is no chance of me getting disappointed or frustrated if the “potential” does not pan out. I haven’t asked if he owns the world or if he is Mark Zuckerberg, I only let you know that I do not want someone who is financially lacking. It is what I want, It doesn’t make me a bad person, you shouldn’t try to shame me for it

People need to understand that every girl who likes expensive things or wants to have a successful and financially stable man by her side is not a gold digger. Yes, there are gold diggers all over this place in their Giuseppe Zanottise and Beyoncé worthy thousand-dollar hair extensions and wigs, but here is the difference: a good and smart woman appreciates a man’s financial resources, but a gold digger only appreciates his financial resources.

When you want to build a life with someone, you need to be able to rely on him or her physically, mentally, emotionally and yes, at times, financially. Knowing that you can ask your man for things is a lovely feeling for both you and the man. You feel protected and he feels he has played his part.

By saying that I do not want a broke man, I’m not saying I want someone I can leech on. There is nothing as unattractive as a freeloader. I would never coast along on some guy’s money, so I don’t want anyone in my life who could possibly do that to me. I am not unwilling to play my role in being smart and independent in my own right, either.

Personally, I take a guy’s lack of money in his adult years as a serious indication of problems in other areas. It could be a sign that he has issues that have kept them from having stable employment. Wouldn’t it be preferable to go with a guy who has a good pay cheque, knowing that they would probably be a better match?

Even more, if he is that unmotivated and reluctant to do what it takes to hold down a good job or succeed for himself, how will he step up in the relationship? Will he be proactive and work on our problems together, or take the same passive approach that he has taken in his career? These are questions that warrant careful consideration.

The broke guys who tend to shame women for “gold digging” tend to be very misogynistic, hateful, and unmotivated to actually improve their lives. Yes, sometimes people have setbacks. Stuff happens. Life happens. But it is all about the ambition and the drive. If 99% of the time if you’re still borrowing money from your people or freeloading, you are bad news.

No woman should ever feel compelled to be with a guy who is not financially capabale simply because she is afraid of what people will think of her. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with wanting a guy who is finically stable. It does not make you a gold digger It makes you financially smart! It is what it is.

 

Nkem Ndem is an energetic and highly accomplished Media Consultant who loves to help small businesses, especially women-led, grow their online presence using the right digital strategy or transition from traditional organizational boundaries. With years of experience in Copywriting and Editing, Content Branding and Strategy, Social media, and Digital Marketing, she is clearly obsessed with Digital Communications. She is the Head of Content and Lead Consultant at Black Ink Media - an Ideation and Content Agency that excels in providing fresh, creative digital services to content-centric businesses. Find out more about her at www.blackinkm.com or send her an e-mail at [email protected] Also follow her on IG: @nkemndemv, Twitter: @ndemv.

57 Comments

  1. Eby

    March 31, 2018 at 4:54 pm

    Nice one biko

    • jokobaba

      April 1, 2018 at 10:11 am

      What is the meaning of “potential”? If I hear that word again. We’ve heard about Nigeria’s potential for donkey years now. “It is foolish to leave reality for Hope” – TD Jakes. Abeg, if the potential is not your reality that potential get K-leg.

    • Ego

      April 1, 2018 at 4:20 pm

      In conclusion, Men get your money and lots of it. You will be respected enormously if you have it.

  2. Weezy

    March 31, 2018 at 5:58 pm

    Hmm. I both agree and disagree.

    The term “gold digger” is a perjorative reserved solely for women, which makes it suspect. However, to me gold digging is the twin of the male version – looks digging. Men who seek gorgeous, bubbly and well-put together perfect wives, must provide the gold that enables such primping and showing off. In a sexist culture (and such sexism is reflected very well in your post), men trade money for women’s looks and sex appeal.

    Basically, the gold digger belongs with the Island Big Boy, and vice versa. So my question to you Nkem is, are you gorgeous, well-put together, and offering the physical and cultural perfection sought by rich men? Face it, the kind of man you deem as having a good paycheck has to be rich. A good paycheck is not the average monthly salary in Lagos, which is (supposedly) around $500-700 a month. With that money, I doubt a man can afford to buy nice things for an instagram-following young woman in Nigeria. So he has to be rich. Can you match his financial wealth with the physical and cultural attributes that such wealth demands? If so, then you two are a match made in heaven!

    I do agree with your point about dating for potential. In my view, women are as obligated to date on men’s potential as men are to date according to women’s. You accept the person as they are, deciding that you can work with them. If the person gets better or richer, that’s just an added bonus.

    • Nightingale

      April 26, 2018 at 8:00 am

      Perfectly said.

  3. Oops I'm

    March 31, 2018 at 5:59 pm

    What if after 5 years of marriage ,he loses it all. Would you stay or leave?

    • Ada_ugo

      April 1, 2018 at 1:12 am

      what if she marries a broke guy for his potential, and he’s broker in 5years?

    • #q

      April 1, 2018 at 6:17 pm

      Can I please buy you airtime?

  4. Christy

    March 31, 2018 at 6:17 pm

    To think ,i was arguing with my friends about this topic….nice one dear….

  5. Anne

    March 31, 2018 at 6:24 pm

    Of course, age matters. A man who is consistently broke at age 40 has issues o. Better to fix that first so he does not become violent.

  6. Omoh

    March 31, 2018 at 6:51 pm

    This has always being my line of argument, Nkem is bae for this write up

  7. bruno

    March 31, 2018 at 7:18 pm

    nigerian women go out and make ur own money and stop looking for men who will take care of u financially. why won’t they call many of ashawo. cause its the truth. 99 percent of nigerian girls are looking for men that will give them money. lazy things. nigerian women of nowadays are very lazy. always looking for a man to leech on. I don’t blame them. this is how many nigerian women are raised. a man must take care of me cause I’m a woman. this is the logic many nigerian girls have grown up with which is so wrong.

    nkem ndem scientists need to study ur brain cause the way u twist situations to suit ur sick wicked demented self is amazing. nkem ndem its girls like u that push men to do all sorts of things for money.
    just look at the rubbish this girl is writing

    ” Personally, I take a guy’s lack of money in his adult years as a serious indication of problems in other areas.”

    • nnenne

      April 1, 2018 at 1:31 am

      @ Bruno… It goes both ways.
      If the woman has to wash, cook ,serve and worship the man, he better come loaded!
      If the woman has to make her own money and worship him, what use is he?
      There has to be a prize for the crown, dear men.

    • Purplegirl

      April 1, 2018 at 1:50 pm

      Chai. Your comment is just wicked. First you say Nigerian women are lazy, I hope you know that includes your mother, grandmothers and your sisters if you have any and if you are a woman hiding under the Internet with your male name that it also includes you and if you are indeed you are a man it’ll include your wife/ baby mama/ baby mamas, and the daughter or future daughter in law you may have. And if your not nigerian, God should just punish you for insulting his daughters. Second you say nkem is twisting words , how, please how? What’s wrong with a woman being wise enough to know that among other things being married comes with financial responsibilities , that it would not be easy to stay with someone who at a certain age still hasn’t got his life together and that even if she trusted his potential she didn’t want a situation where finances will bruise his ego later . The same way a man will refuse to marry a woman that can’t cook or pray or stay in shape or look after children or run a business is the same way a woman would prefer a financially stable man stop being wicked.

    • AV

      April 1, 2018 at 6:32 pm

      IS LOVE GOING TO PAY THE BILLS/, THE LIVING COSTS???
      DIVORCE COURTS STATISTICS SHOW OTHERWISE.

  8. GYOnlineNG.COM

    March 31, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    This write up is on point… Nkem is a bae…….

  9. Melinda

    March 31, 2018 at 7:30 pm

    Thank you Nkem! Was thinking about the same thing today. I seem to think I have a guy doting on me of recent, but one of the things I’m trying to know about him from afar is knowing how responsible he is, including financially. I’m 29 going on 30, I have no time for broke dudes. Been a victim of a couple. Besides, I have no time to waste on nursing potentials, the ones I have nursed yesterday, where are they?
    Not using my past to judge my present/future, but at this stage, I know like the back of my hands what I want and sincerely, a broke guy is certainly not one.

    Nice one Nkem. I always love your colomn. Love the way you dish it out truthfully and without a care. Kudos!

    • Melinda

      March 31, 2018 at 7:31 pm

      *** Column

  10. Aare farmland

    March 31, 2018 at 7:43 pm

    ok good for you.

  11. Author Unknown

    March 31, 2018 at 7:48 pm

    If 99% of the points you have made actually suggest that you are a gold digger, you are bad news!
    I have read your article and you, my dear, are a gold digger. I even thought that your article would argue that no one wants financial liability and for that reason would want a partner who is financially stable, but no. What I think you have a problem with is the label, and not the characteristics of a gold digger. You don’t want potential, but want reality. What happens when this dude’s financial reality changes? You move on to the next man whose financial reality meets your needs? Don’t worry, you shall learn. I wish you luck.

    • CurvesAndEdges

      March 31, 2018 at 8:02 pm

      Hmmm… dear Author Unknown, after a certain age (the woman’s and the man’s alike), it is wise to assess a man based on where he is now, not where he could potentially be. A 22 year old dude running on potential but with an empty tank is cool. A 40 year old man with the same stats is a different kettle of fish entirely.
      I worry though, about where she says his account must be better than hers. Some women are already in nicely paid jobs – they narrow their pool dangerously when all they want is a guy who earns more.

    • Author Unknown

      March 31, 2018 at 8:10 pm

      Absolutely @ CurvesAndEdges. Potential is a subjective word, and must be looked at relative to age, but does not itself suggest that you’re doing badly. It just means you could do better, which applies to every age group, again relatively. A gold digger would however always see a “potential” as doing badly if that person does not meet their own financial requirement right now. I don’t have anything against gold diggers, but I do against those that are and won’t admit it.

  12. CurvesAndEdges

    March 31, 2018 at 7:53 pm

    The only line I question is “with someone whose account is solid and better than mine”. What if his account is solid/ stable but not better than yours? (This is assuming that you are doing very well for yourself). What then?

  13. Jo

    March 31, 2018 at 8:39 pm

    This is a good post and it also affects guys, when a guy says he wants a woman with certain qualities e.g smart, beautiful, some people say if he loves her those things wont matter. Why should a guy marry a lady who doesnt want to improve herself, a lady who doesnt see the need to be a better lady that she was yesterday, while he is doing all he can to be the best he can be ?
    It is fine to dream to be better and also dream to have a great partner especially if you are doing all you can to be the best you can be.

    • Maryjane

      April 1, 2018 at 12:15 am

      Dear Jo , this write up clearly points out something , not only the man should have specifications of his intending patner , woman should state their’s too and never compromise.

  14. Verona

    March 31, 2018 at 8:40 pm

    @Author Unknown, at 32 I married a broke 40 year old. It was hell. Between the never met expectations, and I’m talking basic ‘he likes to watch dstv so should be able to at least once pay for dstv’. I paid the rent, bills, food, haircuts, toothpaste, matches etc
    We had no business even chatting on the phone talk less getting married. But like many women, I considered the ‘money thing’ a taboo to even think of. And of course I didn’t want to be labelled a gold digger. He, on the other hand came shovel in hand.
    I speak from experience so listen up. When people say that a man becomes complacent if he never has to work for anything they are not wrong.
    He took and took but could not give. This is not an issue of materialism. A man who comes into the life of a woman he can’t carry is dishonest, irresponsible and wicked.

    • Author Unknown

      March 31, 2018 at 11:52 pm

      @ Verona. Sorry to hear about your experience. If you read my posting, I am not by any means suggesting that one marries a ‘broke’ NFA (No Future Ambition). It looks like you might have consciously married a guy you knew would be a financial liability, but had your motives – probably to be married in your thirties, did not want to fornicate etc. I am by no means judging you. We all are subject to societal pressures and make decisions we never should have.

  15. Funkeeeee

    March 31, 2018 at 9:31 pm

    Please don’t marry a broke guy. I’m married to an “Okay” guy. He’s not rich and he’s not poor and it’s not even funny. To have kids is a problem coz we want to give them the best. I wish I had this mindset when I was single. Potential is for youngins and it’s relative.

    • Anonymous

      March 31, 2018 at 10:30 pm

      And why are you not rich? What’s stopping you from making loads of money?

    • Anonymous

      April 1, 2018 at 2:38 am

      @funkee. My father got duped at the age of 50. He lost everything overnight but my mum stepped in by providing for the family needs, paying overseas tuition fees and living costs in pounds for 4 children. The moral of the story is that life is unpredictable. You should go work as a woman, rather than complaining about your situation with the okish husband you described. There are women breaking barriers in business everyday.

  16. Benbella

    March 31, 2018 at 9:56 pm

    Fair enough as long as men are allowed to opt for women who have already reached their potential in the beauty department, or females whose make up, hair and style game are on point, and overlook the plain janes or wowo females.

  17. Moses

    March 31, 2018 at 10:28 pm

    ANYONE who makes money the priority or basis of love and a relationship is either a Gold Digger or a “Complex” Victim….FULL STOP. 🙂

  18. Anonymous

    March 31, 2018 at 10:36 pm

    As a man, if I’m making $10, I wouldn’t marry a lady that is not making at least $8. Don’t let any woman hide their financial lack under your roof. It is meant to be iron sharpening with iron. Not Iron sharpening wood. The world has opportunities for both genders, financial success is not a male inherited gene.

    And if you want to use the bible as an excuse for men being the sole provider in a family. Are you ready to be a biblical wife.

    • Weezy

      April 1, 2018 at 1:04 pm

      LOL at iron sharpening wood.

      Perfect.

    • nnenne

      April 1, 2018 at 8:25 pm

      Hope you perform at least 80% of the chores at home too!
      That’s only fair.
      I can’t hustle all day with you, only to come home to do all the chores by myself.

    • yinka

      April 2, 2018 at 3:00 pm

      And does 80% seem like a fair representation to you.

  19. Ajala & Foodie

    March 31, 2018 at 10:51 pm

    People are still on this matter in year 2018? On a side note no has any business calling another broke because they cannot get you something you cannot afford yourself. Nope, he/she ain’t broke you are on the same level, as brokenness is relative. What Bill Gates family may consider broke it may not be broke to Otedola’s,or Otedola’s to Ambode…you see the trend here. So if you cannot afford it yourself then the individual ain’t broke and yes you are gold digging.

  20. Maryjane

    March 31, 2018 at 10:52 pm

    Well , I do agree with some of your thoughts though.
    I feel it’s too early in the supposed hookup or date to ask about his financial worth too plastic and cliche “fake “. With exposure and experience as a lady 1st /2nd date you can actually guess what he’s worth.
    Secondly , as much as you want to be realistic and rely on reality, babe our present reality is G – boys with no potential propect for the future. It’s not tricky but reality will help your decisions .

  21. Ajala & Foodie

    March 31, 2018 at 11:01 pm

    I don’t judge gold diggers either. Some people need that for whatever reason but own it. Don’t try and act like it is “maturity,” or age. We all look for different things in relationships and for some it is financial stability, others it is respect, some it is just kids. We have seen women marry losers see Mary J. For companionship, Even madam butterfly I believe married Nick C. For the children she wanted. But let’s own our stuff. No need trying to put some kind of spin on it. The heart wants what it wants!!! Then own that crap!!! That is true maturity not all these lame arguments.

  22. gbaskelebo

    April 1, 2018 at 12:13 am

    Paragraph 6 last sentence and I quote ” …a good and smart woman appreciates a man’s financial resources, but a gold digger only appreciates his financial resources…” I am not understanding… so the gold diggers are the good and smart women? koyo ooo!

  23. Eyen

    April 1, 2018 at 1:24 am

    Nothing is wrong in knowing what you want in life… State it out clearly and stick to it cos we are all different and want things differently.

    Even the ones who want potentials also desire to have a rich dude… If he comes fine and if he doesn’t she is still on track.

  24. annonymous

    April 1, 2018 at 5:51 am

    A rich man can be poor in knowledge or common sense and money is not something that anyone cannot have. Nkem, if getting a rich guy is as easy as you think, then you should be married by now. You are basically waiting on a rich guy until you attain menopause.. You lack the fundamental understanding about life and you probably gonna learn the hard way. There are so many qualities a woman should look out for in a Man, money should only be a bonus. A word is enough for the wise.

  25. Donnffd

    April 1, 2018 at 6:07 am

    Interesting post and i agree with 98% of it, a woman going for a financially stable dude is not wrong, who wants to come and suffer?, but where i raised eyebrows was the “he must have a better account” part. Its part of the cultural meme that a man should be better than a woman in making money but isnt that an outdated concept?, so are women just going to aim to achieve much but not as much as her partner?, whats wrong with a woman making more money than a man?….

  26. Alterego

    April 1, 2018 at 7:24 am

    Without doubt and without question, money solves a lot of matters. I’m not even here to talk about having loads. Just enough to make life more adequate. A guy visited me two years ago. We were friends but had never dated. And at that point, I had two cars. I had recently acquired one and was still trying to sell off the old one and his jaw dropped. I saw the wheels grind in his head. I try to take vacations once a year and my quaint and cozy apartment is small enough to carry in your back pocket but I did it tastefully and my hard work shows. He said I was everything he wanted in a woman. Meaning he wanted a financially comfortable woman. A woman who doesn’t demand for anything. The speed with which an engagement ring appeared was astounding. Bobo had given me nothing, no gifts, no fine dining, no vacation. He said he knew I was more than capable. Lest I forget , the day of the proposal, I was just back from work and hungry. He said I should cook na. I whipped up noodles and an egg. Bobo joined me in that food,, even halved the egg.
    What a freeloader! Wanted to stab him with a fork. Would he have stepped up in marriage, with kids and more responsibilities? I think not. He gave me nothing except stories of this new business venture and the gloom of the Nigerian economy. If I had walked into that marriage with my own two legs, I would be writing chronicles on Joro by now.
    Men want a beautiful, smart, intelligent woman who isn’t a liability. I want a handsome, smart , intelligent man who has his own and compliments mine beautifully.

    • Alterego

      April 1, 2018 at 10:44 am

      And potential and prospects are relative terms. At my age, and how far I have come, the men I am interested in are between 36-43. He should of course have somethings put in place. No way will I put up with a man still finding his feet in life, still living with folks, bus hopping, not being able to eat decent meals and afford life’s little luxury. It’s going to be hard. Children will come and what happens? I will have to work overtime to even make life possible. No way will I look struggle/ hardship in the face and agree to such a situation. Am I gold digger? No, I’m not.

    • Gift

      April 3, 2018 at 11:03 am

      Beautifully written… Women also don’t want a liability. Men need to step up their game and ensure their women are adequately taken care of. Even the bible clearly states that!

  27. Ashie

    April 1, 2018 at 7:39 am

    I married a broke guy…he’s family loved me for that….3years down the line he got a very good Job,I still can’t believe what is happening…i don’t know wer his money goes to.
    he’s family members r so very disappointed.
    bottom line….don’t marry a broke guy.

    1
  28. o

    April 1, 2018 at 9:23 am

    A lot of well to do upwardly mobile young women now marrying douchebags because they are afraid to have the money conversation. It should apply to both sides. And yes potential is relative.

  29. CrazyWorld

    April 1, 2018 at 11:24 am

    I agree with Nkem but why do women get angry too if I say I want a Virgin. I prefer to marry a virgin just as you prefer someone with money. Why do people get so angry because of this.

    You don’t have money yet you want someone with money. I am not a virgin but I want a virgin but many girls get angry whenever a man says this.

    • Weezy

      April 1, 2018 at 1:07 pm

      Pretty much. Equality means things have to be fair.

    • nnenne

      April 1, 2018 at 8:17 pm

      @ crazyWorld….I get upset when African men resent girls seeking for selfmade men!
      Almost all African men ,born and raised in African want subservient wives…cook, washwoman,babysitter etc.
      He comes home only to sit on his butt. Tell me ,why a woman should do all that and still contribute financially. That means she has to work and/or run a business. Why would her partner/ husband not lend a hand in the home and child rearing!
      These men have so much time in their hands,while the wives run from pillar to post.No wonder the men are good at keeping women outsise their matrimonal homes. Guess,the poor woman has no time for herself and goes to bed like a log of wood!

      Marriage is about sharing. If the woman must run all erands by herself, better come loaded. That way, the wife can concentrate on chores, while Oga picks every single bill. It’s only [email protected]

  30. John

    April 1, 2018 at 12:27 pm

    Girl pick a struggle and follow it through. .

    Are you a feminist or not.

    This is my problem with fish brains..and why majority of men do not take una serious..

    always talking from both sides of their mouth..

    Today , you are feminist, strong and independent..beleievs in equality of what a man can do .a woman can do better. .

    Tomorrow, you want to marry a rich man to leach off and buy you things and even have the temerity to justify it.

    I have said it several times here that feminism and online gra gra are for broke, poor men anyway..this are the type of men ,you fish brains flex una muscles wella for.. nothing new.

    Advise to women that are not part of that delusional hate group…I was very young when my parents made a comment…

    1)never trust a poor man that is humble..

    2)never trust the love of a broke woman

    and that has help me all my life even as a man.

    @crazyworld..isnt that funny…my advise is whenever you are with a woman..just say you prefer a virgin. do it intentionally. .. if she gets angry and start to question your opinion. .cut her off immediately..she is not a virgin

  31. mrx

    April 1, 2018 at 2:50 pm

    typical… i want, i want i want. misplaced priorities on financial status. what happens if after the wedding or couple of years into the marriage things go sideways.. Nigerian girls look at the short term. What is most important is if you both have the same drive to whatever utopia you want to go to. A guy having 100m in his account after the wedding can still go broke if financial crises hit hard. For instance health issues/ Murphy’s law . I pray my wife and I bring up our kids to look more than financial status. marry for love, compatibility and shared goals. life is no joke oh.

  32. Chisom winifred

    April 1, 2018 at 5:30 pm

    Solid piece of advice. Why should i feel bad for wanting financial security from my partner?

  33. Marvel

    April 1, 2018 at 8:55 pm

    Very interesting write up. I truly enjoyed reading the comments. I agree with Nkem, it’s down to personal choice. I hope you meet the man of your dreams. I would never advise my daughter’s to down date and/or marry cash strapped men since they will be working for their own money.

  34. UZOAMAKA

    April 2, 2018 at 2:08 pm

    @Weezy- you are legend! not a legend but you are legend!!
    ‘Basically, the gold digger belongs with the Island Big Boy, and vice versa. So my question to you Nkem is, are you gorgeous, well-put together, and offering the physical and cultural perfection sought by rich men? Face it, the kind of man you deem as having a good paycheck has to be rich. A good paycheck is not the average monthly salary in Lagos, which is (supposedly) around $500-700 a month. With that money, I doubt a man can afford to buy nice things for an instagram-following young woman in Nigeria. So he has to be rich. Can you match his financial wealth with the physical and cultural attributes that such wealth demands? If so, then you two are a match made in heaven!’

  35. nekky

    April 26, 2018 at 10:09 am

    Waoo. Nice topic, truth is I support both man / woman going for what they want in all aspects in their spouse. My problem with this generation is lack of integrity, loyalty and materialism especially on the part of women. Most times after the gold digging goes wrong, as life is unpredictable, they opt out or start sleeping around to meet up with “slaying “activities, that is bad. Everyone should work hard ( men n women alike), make choices( including gold mining if you desire), but pls be responsible, loyal and committed. Olosho no good especially for a married person.

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