Things My Mother Never Taught Me
Posted on Tuesday, January 6th, 2009 at 11:30 pmBy Wana Udobang
Bamsen Daze shares her story with BN Assistant Editor Wana Udobang
I will never forget the day she left. I was about five years old. My two brothers and I were outside playing with the other kids on the Estate. She came downstairs, she looked like she had been crying and simply said, “I have to go, your dad has asked me to leave, but I will see you again soon”. Not really understanding what she meant I replied said, “Ok” and went back to playing. The days and months went by but she never returned. The years and seasons changed still she never returned.
You see prior to this, my dad had been away for almost a year undergoing surgery abroad, so I quickly assumed it was the norm for parents to be absent all the time. Shortly after, my dad was posted to work in London. He packed our bags and got us ready to leave. We said good bye to everyone but it seemed weird not to say good bye to our mum. We asked him where she was, and if she was going to come, he said she would join us once we got there. It never really hit me until we got to London that she might never come back. I remember always bugging our dad about her. Where is she? I asked. What is she doing? When is she going to come home? He tried his best to give us answers but the answers were always the same, “She’s in Nigeria, she’s getting some work done and she will be here soon”. After a while he would get upset when we’d ask about her and slowly, we put an end to the inquisitions. But every time the phone rang we would secretly hope it was her. Every time we heard the door bell ring, we wished it was her.
My dad tried his best to take on the role of both parents. He did the basics, the cooking, the cleaning, the discipline, the shopping and everything else that came with it. He tried his best spending quality time with us, but he was never really good at that. We were free with our dad but somewhere deep down we knew there were many questions we couldn’t ask. His work schedule also meant we didn’t really get to see him often.
When we moved back to Nigeria we were sent to a boarding primary school in Kaduna. My brothers were all I had, we had become very close. Our dad tried to come as often as he could from Abuja but the visits were never frequent. We grew to not expect anyone on visiting days. After almost five years of not seeing our mum we became disenchanted and somewhere along the line, we stopped caring. Once in a while one of my brothers would say “I wonder where she is and what she is doing”, but it never really led to much conversation. At this point I had lost hope of ever seeing her again. I became angry, cold and numb. I felt no emotion towards her, and pretty soon toward anything else.
Time passed and we moved to Gabon. After a couple of years my twin brother and I went off to High School in America. My father remarried and had three more children. My step mum was great and tried to fill in the maternal void in our lives but it was never the same; and after she had children of her own nothing was the same.
In 2003 I turned eighteen years old. I had just graduated High School and had moved back to Nigeria. I remember sitting in my uncle’s house and my aunt announcing to me “Your mum is here”. I never really knew what to expect or how to react. I just stood there looking at her, I always imagined I would feel a flood of emotion but I never did. I felt nothing.
She later told me that after they got divorced my father did everything he could to keep her away. And when we were in London, Gabon and America she would write letters through my dad’s office but he would keep them from us. Knowing my dad all this could be true, but it still doesn’t change the way I feel.
Their divorce will always be inconsequential to me. All I know is that I will never know who I would have been if my parents had stayed together, or if my mother was in my life. I have never really been able to love anyone truly. The only true love of my life has been my dad and my brothers. My mother’s absence has affected everything about me. My insecurities, my fears, and my ability to trust anyone. I feel like I am incapable of having a normal relationship because my ‘issues’ won’t let me love or trust anyone. I am afraid to let myself love anyone for fear that they won’t love me back or worst still, they do love me but will one day leave me.
It’s been almost six years since the reunion; we are still working on rebuilding our relationship. I don’t hate her, but I can’t say that I love her either. I am still numb. It will take sometime for me to be able to fully accept her back in my life. I am trying and I pray each day that God will soften my heart and allow me to be able to love her again. I never got the chance to have my mother buy me my first training bra, or tell me what to do during my first menstrual cycle or maybe take me to the salon to braid my hair. There are so many things I wish my mother was around to teach me but the greatest one of all is being able to love. I am still trying to let is all go but sometimes, it doesn’t feel so easy.
To share your stories, email wana.udobang@bellanaija.com
Related Posts
Tags: Bamsen Daze, BN inspire, wana udobang
Pages: [3] 2 1 » Show All
i wish i could write somethin meaningful to advice u, but i guess my story could ease ur pain a bit. My mother, my world, my heartbeat, my soulmate……my everything. My world seemed meaningless without her love yet sometimes i think i didn’t do enough to reciprocate her love for me. I wish i could turn back d hands of time to say mum i really do love n appreciate all ur effort to make me who i am today. Babe ur case is quite hard to swallow but a listening ear to her could mark d begining of ur joy. There is nothing compared to mothers love wen u r furtunate to have her around u.
People! is it wrong that Lola chose to rise up to the occassion rather than wallow in the tragedy…its like black people blaiming under-achieving on slavery, lets give her a chance
i’m really sorry to hear about what happened to you but believe u me people have been through the worst of situations. i can relate to you cos i grew up without both my parents, i didnt konw my father until high school. my mother and i never really bonded because i spent my childhood with my grandparents. but what i can say to you is that “what determines our strength as people is how well we rise after a fall.’ you may play the blame game all you want but u’ll hurt yourself more, the first step to happiness is forgiveness and by doing that you free yourself from emotional bondage.. i see myself in you girl!!! i was once mad at my mother, my father, at the world until i realised that i had to keep my head above the sand.. be strong.. we were born to strive and endure, open your heart to love and everything is going to be ok.
You are too AFRAID to stand up to your father.
You better get over it now before it’s too late. Did you ask your dad why he kept her letters from you? I bet not! You know Nigerian men are good at that horse dudu. Your dad sent her packing and kept her away from you. If you have to blame someone it’s your dad……better yet, just move on…..believe me I have been in your shoes.
i am so feelin lola…we are in naija, not jand or the UK or some european nation, i dont mean to belittle the piece but i think we do not have to rationalise our behaviours or our problems, the onus is on us to choose how to live our lives and not allow the sour grapes of our parents to set our teeth on edge. u can choose to love ur momma, ma folks r separated and believe me it was terrrible with a lot of mudslinging between them but i jus tried not to take sides and love them despite their faults as God commanded and i think im better of for it
Indeed I was moved by your story. My mum never left, she was there and still is but she could very well not have been there cos even though she and my dad never separated, I never knew her. She never taught me anything and I wondered a million times if she was truly my mother. Having said that, the choice was mine to let her affect me so or to move on. Sadly I don’t have lovely stories about my mum like most people do but I am SO determined to NOT be like her because usually, we become that which we fear the most…..
Determine to start living!
Best wishes..
Lola, how blissful the solitary island of ignorance must be aye…?
That’s a sad story, and it makes me think, “that did not inspire me at all!” Stories like these are better suited and should be addressed in a different section. I would love to be inspired when I come to this section, not dismayed.
Awesome website by the way.
u hit d nail on d head
my bad….waz meant to write it under kpakpando’s comment
I know exactly where youre coming from as my dad took me from my mum when i was about 5, i live with my mum now but hings arent the same cos sometimes i hate her for not coming to get me…I know its not her fault but because of them my childhood was messed up…just try to love her as best as you can but dont rush things as it could have adverse effects..