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Atoke’s Monday Morning Banter: Now We’re Dating… So What?

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When we were in UNILAG, my friend, Soprieye, had a boyfriend in Port Harcourt. She would dash down there every time we had a holiday or even when there was anything as little as the rumour of a strike – fiam… she has reached Port Harcourt. She was quite committed to the relationship.

At some point, school got really busy – there was no ASUU strike, no ULSU rebellion; even the NASU people were behaving themselves. She had this niggling urge to go visit her Boo – a spur of the moment visit. You probably know that these things never end well … She got to the flat and Boo had another Bae entwined around him. Preye then dropped her bag calmly and went to the kitchen. She came back to the bedroom to meet Boo and the Bae stuffing their sweaty bodies into their recently discarded clothes. Giving Boo a once-over, she turned to the chic and said, “As you dey follow me nack am, why you no follow me clean house na? I no suppose come from Lagos con begin wash plate and clean house. Abeg before you comot, try clean up eh?”

That story is unrelated to what I planned to write about today, but I randomly remembered it because relationships can be very weird. One minute you’re talking to a guy you like, and he likes you back; the next minute you’re worrying about when you’re transitioning to the next level, or if you’ve even transitioned and you don’t even know. {Click here to read “Are We Dating Now?”} It’s crazy – these matters of the heart.

Then, you are in the relationship and you find yourself asking ‘now what?’ I’m not talking about changing your Facebook status to ‘In a relationship’, or interspersing every other sentence with ‘My girlfriend said…’. No, I mean, what does actual dating entail?

In UNILAG, it was about having one person who would camp out in your ‘corner’ for hours, till the porter’s voice came over the public address system: “All male men, it is now 10 o’clock. Please vacate the hostel.”

At other times, a relationship was about having someone to call your own – sex and smooching on speed dial, because ‘not every time talk, talk talk. Some time, press body’. This was the crux of my friend’s complaint when she started dating her ex boyfriend. She lived with her Uncle, and they were not allowed to take visitors to the bedroom. So she and her man would sit in his car for hours after work – talking. When they first started ‘talking’, she used to invite the guy into the house, but her Aunty saw the guy’s presence as a cue to make conversation. One time, she asked him to help them change the bulb in the guest bathroom. Another time, he was asked to help them stack bags of beans in the upper level of the store shelf. It was the last time Nifemi brought a man into the living room. Their relationship was limited to the confines of his car, and frequent trips to Ikeja City Mall. The times when he was a little down on cash, he wouldn’t visit. They had nothing to do, and they didn’t have any kind of privacy for getting Nookie. There was only so much “I want you soo much right now” that the car could take – he became an Ex!

The nuances of dating in Nigeria are quite interesting. There are few places to go on dates that don’t involve food. There’s only so much of Galleria visits that your salary can take. Then, imagine if you’re taking things slow and you are not quite ready for the intrusion of family and friends, where do you go to just oil the wheels of the relationship?

The Thought Catalog had some fun suggestions. I’m not sure they’ll work well in Nigeria or with Nigerians, but hey… they’re worth a try.

Go to the Nature Conservatory
If you live in Lagos, there’s one in Lekki. Please wear comfortable shoes, you can’t be massaging swollen feet inside the car.

Read to Each Other
Actual books and comics! Tweets don’t count, before fight will start from there.

Play Board Games at a Coffee Shop
Ignore that last bit about coffee shop, but board games are good. If Scrabble and Chess are too boring for you, try Cluedo or Mastermind.Atoke Cheerios

Go to an Author’s Book Reading
There are plenty opportunities for this in Lagos; plus it’s a chance to go and brown nose with artsy fartsy people!

Take a Private Jet to a Different Country
What is wrong with these Thought Catalog people? If we had money for private jet and didn’t have visa problems do you think we won’t have rented a place for a cosy time? Please behave! Next?

Go to the Woods
Oyinbo people like looking for trouble. Please, don’t go into the woods oh!

Draw each other naked
This is where all the sermons Glory Edozien has been preaching about self-love comes in. When LeBoo draws you, and your pouch, remember, love keeps record of no wrong (cellulite)

Sweat it Out
If the previous suggestion doesn’t end well, you guys can join a gym together. FitFam is in vogue anyway!

Gamble
With which money biko? These people should stop rough play please!

If you want to see more of the fun dates Thought Catalog has check them out here

Have a fantastic week ahead. Live, love & laugh. Oh and share some of the elements of your dating experiences.

Peace, love & cabbage strips.

Toodles!

Photo CreditMichaeljung | Dreamstime.com

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

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