Aunty Bella: Miss. Drained from the Pain

This is one of the most heartbreaking Aunty Bella letters we have received.
Miss. Drained from the Pain, sending you hugs from us.
BellaNaijarians, please help!

Please I’ll like to send a post to the BellaNaija team to be posted in the Aunty Bella column. Please? I sincerely hope you don’t mind the length. Thank you

Stupid, foolish, embarrassment, big for nothing, as old as you are, idiot, disgrace, wasted effort…

These are a few of the words my so called father has used to describe me. I am 25 years of age and up till this moment, at this point of my life right now, I don’t know what I have done to my dad to warrant his negative attitude towards me. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to make him accept me, I’ve struggled to please him, I’ve struggled to make him show love towards me, heck I’ve struggled to build a bond between us.

I sincerely wish I could start my life over again and just happen into a different family/home entirely. I am the only daughter of my parents and the first child at that. The level of discord I have experienced is too much for a young girl like me. Sometimes i think the man would be much better off with me out of the picture. dead. Win-win for both of us, me-will no longer be at the receiving end of his madness and him- will no longer have me to treat with such bitterness.

I got into a bit of trouble back at Uni and had to be sent home briefly, this incidence will be the never closing door to all the hate and disappointment this man must have probably felt towards me. It’s a miracle I didn’t take my own life back then.

I am a crier, I cry over little things because i would rather let out tears than pick a fight or speak brash words at someone. My dad has picked up on my crying abilities and uses it against me. He uses this perfectly emotional reaction to cover up the real problem that is our non-existent relationship.

Many a time, I have wished the man dead just so I can heal and find closure, but for my mum and siblings. I pray for mercy and grace everyday. I am sincerely fed up and ready to run away. I am tired of watching my mum defend me every time for nothing. She doesn’t deserve to go through this.

I’ve never understood and I’ll never understand this father-daughter bond people talk of, because in all of my years, my dad has hugged me twice. No big deal really.
My mum has painstakingly tried to convince me many times that I’m his only daughter and he has no other female child outside. She has sworn upon her life that he is my father and no one else. I find that hard to believe as a part of me wishes i were adopted so at least i can understand why he’ll treat me this way. If truly i am not his child, I can forgive and forget.

I have just acquired a second degree and have been home for barely 2 months and i cannot begin to describe the level of unfulfillment that rests upon me everyday because i have been told i am a lazy failure because i haven’t gotten a job. I am not taking life seriously because the unemployment rate in Nigeria is no respecter of my masters degree.

I’m not using this medium to beg for a job or to ask for pity. I just want someone to encourage me. I need to know that I am not at fault and that there are people who have had to deal with emotionally, psychologically and verbally abusive parents. I need to know I am not alone. Please help me heal. Please.

And a note to parents and soon to be parents or guardians: Please treat your kids/ wards right. Be mindful of what you say to them, this will go a long way in building their confidence levels. Most importantly, Ask God specifically to love and nurture your children.

I wish everyone a lovely and fruitful week. Amen

Thanks Bella. God bless you. Please i will like to stay anonymous.


49 Comments on Aunty Bella: Miss. Drained from the Pain
  • Pretty O January 26, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    My dear, you can only try for so long. Understandably he is your father and nothing can change that. You do your part and leave the rest to God. God sees your heart. Don’t stress yourself over things you know you cannot control. Your dad is probably going through his own faze too. Stay positive, don’t worry much and pray hard, that God will give you PEACE in all areas of your family life. Be strong! XOXO

    • Me January 26, 2016 at 5:14 pm

      Can you all please advice her on what to do and stop all these sympathetic pitying stuff u’re all doing.

      First of dear lady, I would advice you to give your life to God, find a good church where they can help you spiritually, emotionally and even maybe financially. Secondly move out of that house, to another state or even another country, pray that God provides you a sponsor. Thirdly you said you have a masters, I assume you are an intelligent person, focus on the skills you enjoy that are closely related to what you studied, try to get into that area of work, even if it means starting off by working for free. I pray God provides a way for you to leave that house but most importantly start praying for a sponsor and think of ways to leave that house. About a year ago I was in a similar situation and God has shown himself strong in my life.

      • Tosin January 29, 2016 at 10:26 am

        you don’t need to wait for God to bring you a way out of the house, you ditch. you already have the way, as an adult with more than a little education and no major disabilities. God, and your parents, have already provided.
        i’m sorry but i’ve seen this madness before, parents inexplicably devoted to abusing their children. they seem normal, act normal sometimes, they may not believe it if you tell them what they’re doing because actually they love their children badly and only wish the best for them which just seems mindbending weird and impossible. anyway, the solution is to abandon ship before they f you up.
        there will come a time when their madness will subside, partly because they have no choice, because you are so strong and confident and independent that what are they going to do? it’s either they make themselves act better or get even less access to you lol. then everybody can start hugging singing kumbaya, by the grace of God, may God grant everybody long life.

        Basically, nobody owes you jack at this point. You’re 25. Say thank you for everything that he has done for you and make a flimsy excuse to disappear.
        I know i sound like an asshole, not caring about your feelings, you yearn for a hollywood father and all that, but just saying what in my view works. Stop crying and move your feet, save your own life first.
        Thank you for reaching out to other parents to try harder. I’m sure it’s not easy, and it’s not easy to be an emotional rock when you feel like an emotional wreck. Parents do their best. If it was the easiest job in the world, shebi me sef for done born plenty 🙂
        Shout out to all those superstar parents lol. The ones with the A++ in the emotional department. I love my papa, for life! And to all the other superstar parents who are trying to get there.
        Girl, you’re 25. Delete yourself from that house.

  • Hello January 26, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    You are not alone. However, you will get a job, you will move out, he will get old (older) and will have to rely on you to a certain extent…that’s my payback time.

    • Doxa January 26, 2016 at 4:26 pm

      Dear Poster, there will be no need for payback. He is your father, not some random boyfriend that should be paid back.
      Don’t worry, you will get busy (job or business), you will move out, after some time you will stop hearing his voice in your head.
      Just be patient, o need to rebel.

  • Lara thomas January 26, 2016 at 4:23 pm

    You need to understand you can’t take responsibilities for other people’s action. (father, brother, boyfriend husband etc ) your dad is living his life you need to live yours. Do not let his insecurities affect your happiness.

    Choose you and treat yourself as number one. This does not mean disrespect your dad but it means you understand when he becomes abusive or insensitive it has got nothing to do with you or how your living your life.

    Your time will come you will find a job and he will still look for something else to say.
    So pray for him and just live your life.

    • The Refill. January 27, 2016 at 9:16 pm

      To add to what @Me and @Lara Thomas say, also, remember “Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long.” Do not cut short your own time on earth. These are spiritual laws and principles. He is your father. Don’t think of ‘payback’. Give your life to JESUS CHRIST, He will heal you, affirm you, give you strength, counsel you, make you whole. GOD will father you. Join a team/department in church and become active. You have another family and support group and pastors whom you are under whom can counsel you and mother/father you and give you spiritual covering. Some people have even gotten married with their pastors, who are their spiritual parents anyway, standing as their mother/father on their wedding day, traditional and also giving them away at the church wedding because, they had prayed, done everything but the parents and/or family were just too recalcitrant and dysfunctional and/or plain wicked/evil, and God had given the go-ahead, nevertheless, so that their destinies, lives and happiness would not beheld back because of some other people.

      Join groups like WIMBIZ, groups for women in business, women entrepreneurs, women professionals, women in your profession, join women’s prayer/Bible study groups, a choir, and unisex groups, writing, art, drama, dance, you get the idea: just surround yourself with more than enough specific support groups and friends, to fill every need of life, spiritually, professionally, and socially.

      Be grateful for the love of your mother and the relationship with her. Try and heal and be strong for her sake also, for as your post shows, seeing and knowing your pain, gives her pain also; she also needs healing for what you go through; as you become stronger and turn around to encourage her, you will make her life a happier one also, and even inspire her and bring her light, that in turn will further make you happy and encourage you and make you stronger. It;’s a great cycle.

      Get a good job, move out but ensure it’s a responsible, irreproachable arrangement. And, don’t live a wild, indecent, irresponsible life that will easily give your father more ammunition and also, make it difficult for you to get a good husband.

      Very important: once you start receiving a paycheck, give your dad, and your mom money monthly, no matter how small, initially, just do it, and be consistent and faithful in it, no matter what it costs you, just be committed to those outgoings from your salary every month, along with your tithe. It will stand for you spiritually, as a witness, before God, and will deflect/nullify the curses and evil consequences of his words and actions. You will reap good as your harvest in life and not evil. And, even if nothing else, it pleases God, and that’s reward enough isn’t it? But HE will bless you for it.

      Oh, and don’t ever stop praying, never, for your dad’s salvation and deliverance.

      By the way, HIS Word says those who return evil for good, evil will never depart from their house. Also, do good to your enemy, feed him if he is hungry, give him drink if he is thirsty, if you are going on your way and see your enemy’s donkey fallen in a ditch, bring the animal out, do good to your enemy, it will be like coals of burning for on his head. Now, since this is your father we are talking about, as you obey God and honour him (whether he honours or loves you or not), let us believe that these coals of burning fire will be to burn every pride, stubbornness, wickedness, hard heart, and any kind of spiritual bondage/covenant/root/reason/curse that we cannot see or know and which may be at the bottom of this. The evil bad dad will be destroyed and your real dad will finally make an appearance and never disappear again.

      And, even if he doesn’t, honey, your life goes on.

      Don’t let your father in your head, make you jump at the first opportunity to marry, don’t marry to escape your father, that is frying pan to fire. Marry because you really, really love the man, really see yourselves growing old and bring up children and making a life together, because he really understands you, supports you, encourages you, supports and believes in your dreams and vision, seems to even believe in you more than you believe in yourself, communicates well with you, loves you and tells you and other people, shows his love privately and publicly, shows you off, confides his deepest in you, does not hit you, does not verbally abuse, is not violent in temper, speech or action, has a job or business, has a goal/goals, vision for his life and the ambition, drive and hard-working attitude to see them through (he doesn’t have to be rich right now), most of all, is (that almost cliche in Nigeria phrase) God-fearing, a true Christian and can be a high priest over you, your children and your home; marry because you have prayed, fasted, sought right counsel and truly believe this is the perfect will of God for you. Don’t jump from purgatory (life with your dad) to hell (marriage to the wrong person) on earth. A great, blissful, wonderful successful marriage. That’s the ‘payback’ you should seek. And, you’re more than worth it.

      You’re more than worth it.

      Give everything over to JESUS/GOD. There’s a Purpose for your pain. HE’ll make it good.

      Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugs.

  • me again January 26, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    of course he will get older and he will definitely need you, however do not pain back evil with evil, do your best to be successful and take care of yourself and in turn your parents cos that is what you owe God and yourself. things will definitely get better, hold on awhile,

  • Honeycrown January 26, 2016 at 4:31 pm

    Eeeya….I really don’t know what to say but I empathize with you and pray things get better for you much sooner than expected. Keep your head up. ?

  • ATL’s finest January 26, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    Honest start saying “hello” to him from d other side. Yes, he’s your father & I gerrit but you can’t continue to be miserable & sad just to please your Dad.

  • Tosin January 26, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    Two words: Dump him.

  • January 26, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    I went through quite similar issues. My father at just 13 or 14 called me a bastard. It still lingers. My relationship with my mom was not even too solid, we always bickered. But when i quarelled with her i was alright with him and vice versa.
    I cannot compare my situation to yours because my parents are loving. Sometimes they say the worst things to me like your husband will deal with you. Wait and see how you will suffer. But, i get it. It is condition. I see their guilt when they calm down. At 21, i have learnt to understand and be calm with them and it reaches through all my contact with people from outside. Sometimes i fume. It does not help that i have suffered from aggravated depression which i cannot discuss with them because i doubt they’d understand.
    I forgive their harsh words. Don’t wish him death, please. Maybe it comes from a place you cant understand.
    I am the first child out of eight, the first to be in the Uni in my family. Hardship? Yes! Trials? Yes! This things have been a part of my family i have learnt to accept them. Sometimes i blame God but just know that you can touch peace!
    Stay blessed! Be strong!

  • Sandy January 26, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! unfortunately. stay positive and continue to do your best he will be the one to come around in the end and regret he ever treated you that way. focus on positive things, don’t let it affect you relationships with others especially men. you are truly loved by God, mom, siblings and friends and his attitude towards you truly deep down was not anything you had done, its him and sad to say your became the punching bag. Forgive and you be happy.

  • Noms January 26, 2016 at 4:41 pm

    My dear,you are not alone. My friend’s brother ran into a moving vehicle last night just because of their parents wahala. The guy is waiting for NYSC and their parents can’t stop saying how he is this and that….thank God he didn’t get hit by the car because he wanted to end it.
    My friend and I are not spared because we are singles at 31. I’m sure when you get a job the next thing is to get a man and leave their house.
    Dear parents,we like ourselves more than you think you like us and we want our situations to change more than you can ever imagine.
    Where are the people “finding bae for others” I yammm interested.

    • Agro January 27, 2016 at 9:00 am

      Hello Noms, did you see my message to you in the last wedding post?

  • mami January 26, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    You are not alone my dear….my father was like that too,even worse…he disowned us all for sometime in our lives…..he’s old now and we all don’t have any sort of relationship with him……he’s just there u know….he’s trying now tho but it’s too late…..nobody has his time anymore…..its the side effects that kind of messes u up really…….don’t do anything silly……just remain focused….i got married early coz I wanted to get out of the house… brother joined the army….we all just did all sorts of things just to get out of the house and some of us regret the decisions we made…..just stay focused and get a hobby……better still, get ur own place while u keep looking for work……big hugs

    • papermoon January 26, 2016 at 7:07 pm

      Mami, I if your dad is now making efforts to reach out to you guys, I think you should not shut him out. Its never too late to build bridges, especially now that he has realized his faults (or not?) it himself. You open up to him but establish your boundaries and if he crosses them, you walk away just to let him know you want to take that from him. You ve won in every way, your life, your marriage, everything is a victory to you. To refuse to respond to his efforts is like hitting a man when he is down. He brought it all on himself but i think you ve won already.

      And in any case, you will need a lot of energy to maintain that bitterness. Its time to let it go!!
      , for your own sake, who knows, this may be your time to be daddy’s little girl (what is it worth to you, nothing, but a little more love wont kill you).

      • Tosin January 26, 2016 at 8:55 pm

        please forgive. for you as much as for anybody else.

  • Single Shalewa, Bitter Bintu! January 26, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    Hello, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’ve never exerienced this so I can’t really understand how you feel but here’s my two cents.

    Don’t hate him. Please don’t. You’re not responsible for his hatred of you – that’s if he hates you. Try as much as possible not to give in to hatred. We’ve read stories of children killing their parents, it must have crossed your mind at some point but please don’t even allow it. Please.

    Keep looking for a job and pray you get one as soon as possible. Don’t be in a rush to get married – all in a bid to run away from the house. Don;t run away from a car only to be run down by a bicycle.

    Stay calm and find a way to happy and be in charge of your emptions.

    Stay away from his presence, control your interaction with him. I don’t know the type of house you live in but don’t make it seem like you’re running away from him though.

    Show him love – this is hard but try. Ask after his well being once in a while, never let him realise he’s hurting you. That gives him more ammunition which sends you to the crying corner again. Build a shock absorber please, you can’t be crying every time. You’re 25, not 15, toughen up. Life is hard, life is tough, find a way to toughen up.

    I pray you look back in exactly one year and smile at your story cos things would have changed. I pray you get a really decent job real soon so you can save and move out of the house – at least for your own sanity. Stay positive and remember this BS is for a short period (though it looks like a lifetime already) but trust me, there are massive streetlights at the end of this terribly dark tunnel.

    Mya God continue to strengthen you.

  • nene January 26, 2016 at 5:03 pm

    my dear, i’m not trying to downplay ur feelings but what about people who experience such from both parents. at least ur mum loves u and she fights for u. Forget about your dad, he doesn’t love you. Love is about forgiving and accepting, and no matter what you did back in university, it doesn’t give ur dad or anybody the right to treat u badly. I don’t think you should worry too mudh about employment, many nigerian graduates are in the same boat as u, and some have even committed suicide out of frustration and insults from family and stranger, but u seem like someone from an average background. and like others have said, you need to live ur life and forget about whoever ur dad or anyone else is saying about u. hopefully you’ll get a job, and if u can’t it doesn’t mean u r useless, it just means u haven’t found the right job or right connections that’ll guarantee u a job. live life and be happy, you’re too young to be feeling this way. trust me, a lot of nigerian kids go through what you’re going through.

  • up for adoption @ 30 January 26, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    Hmmm, I can’t even describe mine! Mine is worse, what could be worse than your father telling you to live like an Orphan, constantly reminding u that what if he is dead!, I found solace in moving closer to God and trying all my best to be successful so that he will swallow his words, Don’t dwell on the hatred part sis, just know you were born for a purpose! You are unique, fearfully and wonderfully created, meant to be outstanding! Those are the words you should constantly remind yourself with. SUCCESS is the best Revenge you can serve him, let your goal be ” Making it in life, so that he will oneday be proud of you and show you off as his ‘Precious daughter’ life isn’t a bed of rose, but God knows all things and sees ahead of us! Hold on to God as the father of the fatherless! God will. Uphold you and see you through, try holding back your tears and stop giving him the joy of seeing those precious tears of yours, He doesn’t deserve it.

  • halima. January 26, 2016 at 5:28 pm

    Leave home if you can. Find an excuse. just go away from him. You will succeed staying away from him.

  • moniker January 26, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    Dear writer,
    You are not alone. Reading your story is like getting to hear my biography from a younger version of me. I can relate very well to your story, I know it is very difficult – more than people who have not experienced this can imagine. I remember that I used to and still get very angry when people tell me that I shouldn’t get angry at him or that i have to forgive him and live with it because he is my father(what about me-the countless number of days that i spent growing up crying?). do people even know what it feels like to be singled out by a parent among your siblings and be taunted and used as a scape goat all the time? Please, hang on in there-it is a real issue especially as only the people who have been in similar situation can understand. In my own case (I am the 1st born with 2 sisters and a brother) I fought back by struggling and working for independence- started a business in school and was lucky to get employment immediately after school.. My advice will be – get a job by all means as fast as you can (prayer and effort), if it happens, get married and settle down with your hubby somewhere very far from him (in my case, i discovered marriage did not stop it) my dad still thinks and wants to emotionally bully me at 32 years old married with kids needless to say we are not on speaking terms. After I discover he badmouths me to relatives,try to control my marriage, try to belittle my accomplishments and a bout of post partum depression i finally learnt to draw the line.

  • AmazonBB January 26, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    Dear Poster, you are not alone, I was always a witness to the ill treatment my dad always gave to my mum buh even as a little gal when I ask her about it she always lies and tell us that daddy was playing with her…we get punished with hunger when he feels like, he is a saint to others outside but a beast to us at home, every other child out there is always better than us. I treated men with hate and contempt because of him, he refused to sponsor me to school saying in his words “go to school the way other gals go to school”. As a young girl 16yrs at the time went to look for a job(photocopy operator then to a computer operator) saved up some money and took jamb, post utme n got into Uniben. I remember crying myself to sleep in school… I always envy other gals when day receive calls from their parents n have foodstuffs sent over becos my dad will never call me in a whole semester and wen I come home for holidays he bathes me with insults and lays curses of how bad a child I am for not calling him. This made me a very angry person especially to boys and it affected my education greatly. He never sees anything good in us, says we go to church too much, my father is wicked to the point that even when we r sick to d point of death he is not moved, he just picks his bag in the morning and leaves the house to work, he is very proud although we live in an uncompleted building “of our own” as he calls it. Fast forward to 2015 October, graduated from school and decided that what he has cost me as a student is going to be d last he’ll take from me, av built myself to be immune to his insults and harsh words, no longer scared of his curses buh still feel for my mom and always wondered how she coped with him for 25yrs. Am still trying to fathom his anger towards his children, why he hates us so much, av asked my mum several times if she did something so bad to him huh she always ends up in tears saying she entered a wrong marriage, always advising us her daughters to look before we leap. Till i’ll go for Nysc, I still live with him, I put up with every thing he does believing God that even though I graduated with a second class lower i’ll get a job as soon as I graduate n start a fresh life from there. So u see dear poster, u r not alone, I might think my own case is worse til I hear. Abt someone going thru much more pain than I am going thru. Be strong, Forgive him, at 25 your life has only just begun, always go with God in d dark than walk alone in the light dnt let his words, actions affect u anymore, smile more. I’ll tell u what I always tell myself when the down feelings come “AM 22yrs old for u 25 THE BEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE HAVE NOT HAPPENED YET”. Dnt mind my long epistle

    • papermoon January 27, 2016 at 9:21 am

      He might just be a narcissist. Google it and read about it then you will understand or find a psychology book that deals with narcissism. Dont be bitter ok.

  • Tunmi January 26, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    It’s a toxic relationship that won’t improve. You have the right to cut off all contact with him. You reserve the right to not let him in your life. Sperm donor means nothing only that he contributed half your DNA. You will need some therapy to avoid the daddy issues spilling into your life and relationships. Honestly, I second, @Todin, dump him

  • Miss Pee January 26, 2016 at 6:01 pm

    I can only imagine how you feel…. Being rejected by the one who is supposed to love and protect you. I know the feeling.
    First advice: find your strength in God’s word. There are many times when we receive treatments we consider undeserving. I have been there and I’m still there… But knowing that I have unconditional love from God is very soothing.
    Secondly: understand that life is in phases. This is a phase in your life and phases pass. You never know what God is preparing you for in the future…. Probably to reach out to people who feel broken??
    Thirdly: keep loving. Yes- you heard me right. Continue loving your father. Do not allow other people make a monster out of you. If he annoys you, show him more love. Before my father passed, he was unbearable…. Now I wish… If only I had another opportunity to tolerate his excesses…. Oh well!
    Again, I want you to understand that sometimes when people behave this way, the problem is mostly a battle they face within. Not necessarily about you.
    Don’t forget to draw strength from God’s word. He is all we need and more than enough!
    Cheer up honey bun!

  • Laila January 26, 2016 at 6:36 pm

    Its typically the other side of Nigerian parenting, especially from that generation. Most have issues displaying affection and their only understanding of proper home training is putting down their children – anything else is weakness. Pls read the comments and know that you are not alone. Most Nigerian kids had to fight thru this, its part of what makes us so resilient I guess, among other crazy things we must deal with growing up and into our own selves. You need to define yourself and own that moment, commit your future to God and forgive your father. Think less of him and focus on what thrills you, what makes you happy, what moves you positively. Find those things and use them regularly to get your positive juices flowing and flush out all that negativity. Good luck Luv, the entire Universe is rooting for you 🙂

    Google and read the ‘Desiderata’ everyday for a start.
    Use lipstick to scribble the word ‘badass!!!’ on your bathroom mirror (or whatever ultimate description suits u) and leave it there for every time you go in there…….works wonders.
    Don’t miss your prayers….too much goodness in Heaven, prayer punches the hole that leaks it down to you.
    Love yourself jor…………make that your first job 😉

  • Blueberry January 26, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    My dear find a way to boost your self-confidence through loving and caring friends , your mother and Jesus. Shut your ears and mind to what he says and focus on getting a job. I know it is hard and it takes time, but with some prayer an TRUST in God (who loves you more), you will make it.

    After that, move into your own appartment. No matter how small it is. Anything to get you AWAY from that negative energy and invest your energy in your work. Step by step, you will start loving the new YOU, and growing in confidence as you move on.

    Leave your dad to God. Especially if you have tried to understand his reaction towards you and it has been to no avail. Let it go. In due time (1,3 or 10 years from now) , things will fall in place by God’s Grace without you making an effort. Whatever you do, never disrespect or curse your dad. He is your father.

    You will be good. Shed the burden of pain, lack of confidence and fear, start running your race , trust God through it all, and never quit.

  • Anon January 26, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    When i hear people argue how growing up in a two parent home is much better than a single home i shake my head. Because of situations like this. This reminds me of my childhood (i didn’t really have much of one). Lost mum at an early age and dad got remarried. Stepmom turned him against me and siblings…i remember him hitting us almost everyday, i remember him calling us bastards and prostitutes…i remember how my brothers had to learn how to fight back just to protect us, him disowning us and kicking us out of his house, refusing to pay our school fees…going hungry because there was never any food to eat…my sister having to get a job as a receptionist just so we wouldn’t starve to death.

    Sometimes i wonder if my mum hadn’t died, if he hadn’t remarried just so we could grow up with a mum figure maybe our childhood would have been better. Sometimes the best thing for your children is to get them out of such situations before they get scared for life. He’s old now and has crawled back to us because he doesn’t have any savings and no way to take care of himself. So we take care of him despite everything he put us through. I’ve let everything go even though my siblings haven’t but i wish he hadn’t come back into our lives and just left us alone.

    Dear poster, you are not alone trust me. BUT don’t let him get to you….that’s the key. Be prayerful, the job will come or like someone said think of your best skills and try to start a business using those skills, don’t get married just because you want to leave the house but you can get involved in a lot of church activities so you are out of the house often. Don’t resent him cos that just builds bitterness you don’t need in life.

    Take life one day at a time and you’ll be fine sha i can assure you of that.

  • papermoon January 26, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    Dear Drained and Pained, I think you might be dealing with a NARCISSISTIC father. Generally, narcissists think they are the “special ones” and everyone is “nothing”. They tend to use the most scathing words on everyone else, magnify other people’s’ mistakes and have never heard the word APOLOGY before, never in their lives,

    And please dont be bitter or angry at them, most of them were born these way….only a few learn it (they can change if they really want to, but they hardly do, they may die without knowing their attitude is a problem, in their eyes)..

    They pour a lot of disdain on people they consider to be weak so that crying you do is really just fetching you more contempt in his eyes because your tears just feed and tickle his already over bloated, round shinie narcissistic ego. He wins with every tear and he will always come after you.

    I am sorry but Narcissists are BULLIES and you cant kill these ones by loving them, you will only end up with self loathing, high sense of shame, guilt and low self esteem.

    Dont waste your emotion on them.

    The best way to deal with a narcissist is being COURAGEOUS and IGNORING them. You must focus your mind on being courageous so that his WORDS and OPINIONS do not mean much to you…..when his words stop meaning anything to you, you stop reacting and responding to him with anger, fear, uncertainty and all the mixed emotions that make you crazy, then you are free. Then you will be able to fulfill your duties towards him as your father, at the same time ignoring him when the BS begins.
    And more important, you wont hate him or be bitter against him. PRAY FOR COURAGE every single day until you feel it in your heart, pray hard and it will grow very soon. what ever you keep your mind on becomes you. keep your mind on COURAGE, and pray for him to change too, who knows.. Meanwhile, JUST IGNORE HIM, EVEN IF HIS WORDS HURT, DONT CRY IN FRONT OF HIM, DONT EVER LET HIM SEE YOU CRYING.

    Am sorry this is your dad but there is no other way to do this.

    REMEMBER TO IGNORE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that is if he is a narcissist)

  • memebaby January 26, 2016 at 6:57 pm

    lol we seem to have had the same problem but i don’t care about him anymore.. I too i’m the first child and daughter of my folks.. my dad treated me badly when i was a child.. who uses harsh words on a child from primary 3 ? from insulting me based on my size.. was chubby while i was a kid (fat fool, fat idiot,..fat fat fat) .. then i got skinny.. insults didn’t end.. or was it the way i walked ? or when he spat on my face (i kid you not lol) or the time he flogged me blue black because i exchanged games and novels with my neighbour who was my class mate in pry 5 and he claimed i was looking at boys.. (i still have scars on my body from 14 yrs ago) worst case was I stuttered too.. that man crushed my self esteem at an early age.. which made me feel i was never good enough.. I got so angry all the time.. so sensitive too.. I was a wreck!! boy did i wish he could just die…i used to have dreams of poisoning his food too.. it got that bad
    not until i moved out of the country at 17.. he would still call me and rain curses but i did not know better then..i think at 19-20 i started gaining back my confidence and working on my self esteem.. this man does not give me money.. does not pay for my schooling nor cater to my needs so what can he use on me ?
    I am 24 yr old now and he knows I’m not that timid push over that you can just walk on because na you bring me come this earth.. I will tear him and not back down.. so he doesn’t even try to start wahala with me anymore because he knows I will deal with him. he complains to my mother that i’m rude, i have a smart mouth.. bla bla bla..if that is the only way to make him leave me alone and stay away from me then i would take that any day instead of being verbally abused, bullied or having a low self esteem 🙂
    fact is i’m not looking for any sort of validation from him anymore and he’s aware . so he tries to be friendly when he’s not pissing me off but still, i treat him like a distant uncle..
    I do not know if this is the best way to go about this but its been working just fine for me..
    he’s the main reason why I pray to have a good and peaceful husband who would have a wonderful relationship with our kids especially daughters..
    longest comment I’ve ever posted on BN..phew

  • cocozee January 26, 2016 at 8:18 pm

    Someone pls give her a sure there are loads of people who can help need praying for an hungry person. Give him/her food.
    @poster,try to stay away from him as much as possible.of possible travel to see a friend.All the best

  • Adaeze Writes January 26, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    Dear Poster,
    How close are you to God? Remember His word says, ‘Your father or mother may abandon you, but I the Lord will never abandon you’.
    Yes, the door of your father’s heart towards you might be shut and yes, it hurts but then again, is God’s heart towards you shut? Never!
    Build up a wall against your daddy’s words and never let them get to you, just like a commenter said, ‘toughen up’ and face the world with a resilience so strong that even the devil will shudder. You will succeed, you will go places, you will conquer!
    How do you do all this? Focus on God, love Him, serve Him and do not let the words of a man whose sperm helped bring you into this world define you! You are greater, bigger and stronger than he will ever be. I guess that’s what your earthly father sees and loathes you for.
    It is well.

    For amazing stories, visit

  • Mafiaress January 26, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    I thought long and hard before writting this. I had to repeat a class twice and after that, it was hell for me from my mum. I heard names like stupid, dullard, ugly, all sorts being thrown at me, it didn’t help that my younger siblings are all geniuses. I’m the first daughter too, it didn’t stop there oh, even when I got to the university, if my dad wants to pay for something maybe field trip or a skill my mum will discourage him. Yes I was angry and bitter even hated her, she noticed it at a point and I started praying telling God how much it hurt me. She has greatly improved now, but I still receive the insults sometimes. Don’t worry u are almost out of the house and it will soon be over, try to avoid him, but also show him love when u can, in the near future, he will ask for your forgiveness. This is something I have never shared with anyone, but i’m sharing it with u so that u’ll be encouraged and know that you’ll surely overcome.

  • chichi January 26, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    So sorry for you. But I will say this you are not alone many other are and will go through this issue of unfulfilled parents taking out their own frustrations on their kids and trust me things will get better. But let me tell you this, the problem may not end with you finding a job, as just any job may not be enough. And finding a rich husband isn’t the answer as it should be what you want and not because you feel it will make your dad happy. Quite frankly you have to grow some balls, yes I said that. You are old enough to take on plenty of responsibilities, you must stand up to your father, I don’t mean being rude, but I’m afraid you choosing to avoid confrontation is the reason you will continue to suffer. And that’s how you will suffer with your husband or even your boss when they are unhappy with your work. This is not your fault but it sounds like you feed your father with ammunition to abuse you when you cry. Clearly your self esteem is down but pray and take action, no prayer alone will work. And Ps to parents, we all make mistakes and will continue to, please remember you were not perfect and still are not. Children can go on to be amazing after big mistakes, not everything must happen by society’s timetable.
    Good luck!

  • maris January 26, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    I feel your pain dear but I just have 3 things to say 1 u dont have to prove yourself to anyone but you so go find something you love and focus all your energy on it. you life is more important than anyones expectations so dont lose it for nothing 2 Get help cuz u are depressed.I worked for me and I am much better now and when he begins to speak harshly to you, hibernate just like a computer 3 prayer. complain to God let him handle the matter his own way cuz he is ur father and your human father is your care taker. ( ist comment on Bn)

  • Now I Understand January 27, 2016 at 12:03 am

    Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry you have to go through this, this brought tears to my eyes and just made me realize that I really have to apologize to my eldest sister.

    I have a sister who went through hell growing up because of my mum. No one has really understood her ways and always blame her for flaming up over little things.
    Shes extremely caring and loving but has never really gotten the love and support that she deserves from us her siblings.

    My mum was very wicked to her, from the stories I heard since I was very little when this was happening, one would think she was adopted . She favored my second eldest sister over her and did not fail to show it with every opportunity. She was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to my sister which later intensified when she fell pregnant at the age of 19 ( I mean, what would one expect from a girl who’s mother calls a prostitute and a bastard with every given opportunity?).
    It was like my mum finally confirmed all she had ever said about my sis, which made her even more wild and carefree.

    Growing up, there had always been some sort of rivalry btw my two elder sisters which was partly due to jealousy from the fact that the second one got all the love and attention from my mum and she was way better academically. It didn’t help either that everyone seemed to support the second one which made her even more bitter. This really messed her up.

    I’m just glad she has been able to live past it.
    Fortunately things are good between my mum and sisters.

    However I now realize now how strong she is, for her to go through such troubled childhood and constantly pitted against her younger sister who got all the support all the time.

    No one till this moment fully understands what she went through (Not even from my Dad who is her Step Father who at some point wanted to have sex with her and my mum compounding the whole thing by accusing her of trying to destroy her marriage).

    I remember a time when she was telling me about what she passed through growing up, how she had to pay her way through school, how she had sleep with men for money and got carried away by some things all in a bid to escape from home and the pain. How all these would have been avoided if only my mum had been different with her.

    But stupid me, I did not really understand what it meant for one to go through such loneliness even if you were surrounded by family. I told her that it was no excuse for her to live the kind of life she is not proud of. That we were all responsible for our lives and decisions and have to live with the consequences. That she should let go of the past and just be grateful she is on the right track now with a good job and a lovely son.

    Now I know that I should have hugged her and apologize for everything she went through even though it was no fault of mine (No one has apologized to her till date especially my mum who doesn’t feel she has done anything wrong). I should have listened, all she wanted was an understanding ear, she still needs to heal from all the hurt, but I wanted no part of it, I didn’t see why my mum and lovely sis were to be blamed for her short comings. Now I know…

    Dear poster, please stay positive, its just a phase and this too shall pass. Please draw closer to God, he alone can give you the strength you need to come out of this on top.

    Guys I’m sorry for this epistle. : )

    Stay blessed.

  • Yemi January 27, 2016 at 1:15 am

    So sorry you have to go through this. Please never think that it’s your fault that he hates you. You can’t hold yourself responsible for his actions. A lot of people have told you to build a wall and try not to let his words get to you, but I wonder have effective that will be especially as you are in same house with him, and you may keep hearing the same thing over and over again. Don’t you have relatives that you stay with while looking for a job? I don’t think it is helpful and healthy to remain in such an abusive environment. You can still try to pray for him from a distance until you get your self esteem back. I pray that God will soothe the pain his words have inflicted. Give it all to God.

  • Person January 27, 2016 at 5:19 am

    I can tell you two things: YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND IT WILL END. Eventually. Not now, but it will. My story is similar. All my life, I felt intensely hated and disliked by my parents. they constantly tried to turn my siblings and I against each, promoting unhealthy competition etc. If I start detailing everything that happened in my youth, you’d find it unbelievable. Eg, one time, we ate leftover bread and my Dad made us sleep outside for it. YES. My blood father. Not adopted. And no, he didn’t ask us not to eat it. I looked for love in the wrong place and stayed in a verbally abusive relationship for 7 years. Sometimes when I talk about it, my friends look at me like I am crazy but let me tell you, IT WILL END.

    It will end when you move out and start making money of your own. When you are not dependent on your family. For me, it took a whole different continent for that to happen. But happen it did. Meanwhile, you can start affirming daily that you are who God says you are,, I am a Christian so I say this from a Christian perspective: “For I have not received again the spirit of bondage to fear, but I have received the Spirit of adoption wherefore I cry Abba Father, for I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, heir and joint-heirs with Christ Jesus, I am redeemed and bought by the precious blood of the Lamb, by Christs’ stripes, I am made whole- emotionally, physically, God loves me, I am His Child” Say this out loud to yourself. Everyday. Say it over and over again till it cancels out all the negative things your earthly father says. I promise you that it works. And it will get better. *hugs*

  • Anonymous January 27, 2016 at 6:59 am

    Hun, even good parents make mistakes.

    I’m a preachers kid and my parents are wonderful pole but they made a mistake with me big time,
    It starts with having a beautiful smart daughter that you expect too much from.
    Then having that child become a normal person, having art dreams instead of science, living fashion and make up and contesting and winning a school pageant. I have been spat on and called all sort of names by my parents, my siblings also added to it after all my parents are really good people.

    I lied to myself, pretended to hate fashion, sat on my personality just to please them but things didn’t get better and I just lost my self esteem. I hated myself more for loosing myself for nothing.

    I woke up one day and says never again I wrote a heartfelt letter to my parents, found a job as a sales girl during the holiday and started to fend for myself. I made peace with the fact that my parents had dreams for me that I didn’t fufil and I was fine. Parents are people too and entitled to be disappointed.

    My mother actually apologized to me one day after I spoke up in pain. My parents are good pple but they are people.

    I have friends who wonder why I’m kinda stuck up and don’t really send pple like that, some say I’m proud, a snob etc they don’t understand that when you’re able to make peace with disappointing your family, people’s opinions can’t touch you

    • Dee January 27, 2016 at 3:16 pm

      I’m sorry but your parents were neither wonderful nor good to you.

      In fact I sense you have a big chip on your shoulder and a lack of inner peace arising from the issues you’re yet to sort out. Please stop making excuses for your parents, and certainly don’t make excuses for the poster’s father. What is bad, is bad. People that are bad, are bad.
      The only thing positive about your comment is the part where you expressed yourself in the letter and things got better. Otherwise, nah!

      • Tosin January 29, 2016 at 10:50 am

        Please explain. I feel you can explain better, because I don’t understand your response except the bit where you suggest unresolved issues that can be sorted out. I’m assessing that statement and saying yes, don’t we all have unresolved issues of different sorts? But if they’re bigger then we should seek to resolve them with expert help.

        I feel like Anonymous is doing well and is likeable, so bravo/a. The parents may have been a mixed bag, right? To me that’s how human beings are – good doesn’t mean perfect, bad doesn’t mean no redeeming qualities. You can be excellent in physics but poor in drawing. They could have been wonderful people but mistaken in career guidance.

        In general, I’ve read amazing stories on this page. Best page of the year so far. Big hug to everyone.

  • Chinma Eke January 27, 2016 at 9:41 am

    Dear Miss Drained from the pain,
    You will be allright.
    First you need a strong relationship with God, place all your expectations in him and not in man; regardless of who the man is.
    Secondly; you need to leave home. The current home situation is toxic and such that some seperation might make it better (might not definite), and in leaving home please be mindful of where you are moving to such that you don’t ump from ‘frying pan to fire’
    Thirdly, you need to get busy. While you search for a job you need to occupy yourself. Volunteer for an internship, learn a trade; whatever, but get busy.
    Finally, it is important that you do not let your relationship with your father define your future relationship(s). Sadly, you will have to make a conscious effort at this, because it’s been proven that we tend to mirror the kind of relationship our parent’s had in our future relationships. To avoid this, you would need to draw on strength from God, and make a conscious effort not to marry the wrong person. You are emotionally vulnerable already, take care not to marry someone who will feed on this to avoid having your children have the same experience you had. Sadly, there’s no checklist of character traits that would help your avoid those kind of men, just prayers.
    Find a support system; have good friends that will give you the care you’ve missed out in your family. This is very possible; my extended family is the emotionally draining type, my mom helped us build a friendship network such that today; we have more loving and supporting family friends that are closer than family. A lot of people argue when I tell them we aren’t blood relations.
    Build those kind of relationships, you will be better for it.
    Most of all Miss; Your heavenly father loves you.

  • At last. January 27, 2016 at 8:32 pm

    @Now I Understand, God bless God, and God bless you for your “epistle”. Don’t apologise for it. It has healed me reading it. I know my own is not impossible and I will also have a testimony. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I beseech you: hurry, waste no time to go and apologise to your sister, to give her all those hugs, to tell her everything you have said you wished you had told her (and more), to tel her you love her and that you are proud of the strong, courageous, unbreakable woman she is, the wonderful wife and mother she is despite all she went though, kneel down and ask for her forgiveness on behalf of your own self, and on behalf of your mother, other elder sister, dad (her stepfather), the entire family, please give her (a) very significant, precious gift(s), to symbolise restitution for the very precious childhood, innocence, protection, glory, and love she was cheated of and that were stolen from her, speak affirming words, speak words of blessing, bless her in the Name of The Lord, speak God’s Word concerning her over her (yes, even as a younger sister), delete every evil word, every curse, every insult, every word of reproach spoken over her over the years by The BLOOD of JESUS and replace (don’t leave a vacuum) and over-ride them with the Word of God. As you pray for her, and do all these things for her, you are actually, really, doing them for your own self, your own children, and your entire family.

    “And they blessed Rebekah, and said unto her, Thou art our sister, be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them.” Genesis 24:60

    “Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
    Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.” Proverbs 31: 28 -31

    For example.

  • Idomagirl January 27, 2016 at 9:33 pm

    🙁 I pray you get a job soon or some income so that you can move out for the sake of your sanity….

  • Lola January 28, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    Hi Love, I just want to chip in my own bit and tell you to love yourself, Hun you do not need validation from your father or anyone. Our God loves you and you should focus on that love. You are not a failure, you are not a big for nothing or good for nothing. You are a conqueror, you are a success. For the fact you have passed through this and is still so strong, my love you are no failure. Please be encouraged. Do not let negative words harm you because they are just words. If you know yourself, and you know you are non of that then darling do not be depressed. And also, you are not alone, a lot of people pass through this everyday. Their confidence becomes diminished, they think of suicide and other things. But let your story be a story of your strength. Please do not be discouraged. You are great, you are a leader, you are favoured. Your story now will never be your story in the future. Love yourself darling. God bless you exceedingly

  • chi-e-z January 29, 2016 at 9:25 pm

    sm Nigerian fathers Can’t live with them Can’t live with them CAN’T LIVE WITH THEM. It is well

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