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Reckless Abandonment

Glory Edozien

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no valsNormally every Valentines Day brings with it some form of excitement. But, Sunday was different. I stood looking at the huge bouquet of flowers which had been delivered at my address at exactly 11:15am with somber reflection. The card attached read…‘Glory, you’ve always meant more to me. Let’s make it official. Be my Valentine’.

Now if this had been 4 years ago, I’d have been ecstatic. I’d have called up all my friends and told them. I’d have called the sender and said a big thank you. In short it would have made my day. But today was different. Instead, I sat on the edge of my bed looking at the amazing flower arrangement wishing, he hadn’t bothered.

Why? Because I am a single, well educated, 28year old woman who can’t seem to get her love life into gear. I want to go back to the days were I’d meet a guy and after three weeks we are finishing each others sentences. I want to go back to the days were we’d talk on the phone till we both fell asleep clutching the phones to our ears. I want to be 20 again and not have to care were he works, what he does for a living, what car he drives and if he can support me and my kids. I want to go back to the days were I fell recklessly in love and the world and its mother didn’t have anything on me.

But that’s not the world I have grown up in. Every possible relationship has become a business transaction with the financial goal in question being marriage. He is too short, he isn’t Christian, he isn’t Igbo, will my parents like him, what car does he drive, where does he work, is he ambitious, does he have a baby mama, what is his genotype, does his family have any history of madness? I have to ask myself a million and 1questions. And if I am honest, the whole process has left me feeling rather disinterested. I can’t be bothered to do the math in my head while trying to work out if I am actually attracted to this guy or if I am just glad he made the cut!

So here I am on the 14th of February 2010, my 29th birthday threatening to descend on me like a ton of bricks, with a guy who totally fits the bill but doesn’t do a thing for me mentally, physically or emotionally. Tall, dark and handsome. Igbo, catholic and rich. But I can’t imagine spending 60 whole minutes with him, let alone 60years!

Damn this love thing. Damn my foolish heart. Damn it all. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I am just being naïve. Maybe real love doesn’t exist. Maybe I should listen to my friends and use my head instead of my heart. But what if, the person my heart loves is poor, short, non-Christian (an issue seeing as I am Christian) and lacks ambition. What do I do then? Let love lead the way? Errrr…..

So it’s obvious that at some point my head must rule over my heart. At some point common sense must give way to idle fantasies. May be love doesn’t exist, maybe its something Hollywood has created to fill up cinema seats. Maybe my foolish heart will never be satisfied. Maybe love really isn’t ever enough.

Glory is the host and executive producer of Inspire Series, the web talk show which uses the collective stories of everyday women to inspire others. She believes women are https://www.canadianmeds4u.com/category/buy-antibiotics-online/ more than hand bags, hair, make-up and other externalities and is passionate about about pursuing purpose and living above societal conformities. She is also a day dreamer, and romantic at heart who loves TV, food and family. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @inspiredbyglory and read more from her on www.inspiredbyglory.com

42 Comments

  1. mayowalulu

    February 16, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    wooww. all i can say is W A I T. For God, for the person that makes your heart skip a beat. It does not matter if you are turning 30, there is no reason to rush into anything. & if you dont like this guy. No force am. Let it go.

  2. seun

    February 16, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    i feel ya. so you no fit marry poor man? lol

  3. peculiar

    February 16, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Glory I hope the guy isn’t reading..poor thing, Lucky you! I didn’t even get a rose petal let alone hibiscus..I totally feel you, in love I tend to go the other way and u seem to be the only one who understands, about the same age and just at this point my love life doesn’t feel geared..doubts fear of the unknown etc..lets just say I am suffering cold feet. SIGH!
    BTW ur val spec ain’t bad actually my very own spec.lol send am make we sample, i am certain we will click.lol

  4. boogsy

    February 16, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    maybe you should just give it time and open your heart!This guy may just be the one!

  5. bumight

    February 17, 2010 at 12:24 am

    very nicely written!
    You are not alone. Indeed, you cant just meet a guy and date him anymore like the times when you were younger.
    However, what I always tell myself and my friends is, choose that one thing that is important to you- very vital to what u want in a patner, and if he doesnt meet it, you can let him go.
    otherwise, I’ll say be friends with the others, go out, date and dont rule people out rashly.

  6. bebe

    February 17, 2010 at 12:47 am

    very nice write-up.
    I myself found myself without a val or any gifts/flowers…and thing is, i couldn’t even be bothered, because despite all the previous vals I have had, there’s no guy around to show for it, so i have decided to stop fussing!!!
    on the love issue, hollywood has made love so romantic, its like a fairy tale….and bcos all these things are infused in pop-culture, we find ourselves gobbling up all their crap; even subconsciously.

  7. lols

    February 17, 2010 at 12:57 am

    Good write up,not quite that age yet .. but sort of identify with this. i am 5ft10 and seem to attract 5ft nothing ppl, i am just not interestd at all. the tall guys all seem to date short babes lol but it such a hassle finding the write person… i am ready to let go and let God i think u shld too good luck

  8. dlapikin

    February 17, 2010 at 1:40 am

    story of my life.. 28 about to be 29… I could have written this. Pffff
    I really miss the simple times!

  9. d tin don shele!

    February 17, 2010 at 2:26 am

    My dear let go and let God! get on your knees and pray to God trust me he will either send you to your own or send your own to you unfailingly. I don’t see anything wrong with your val sha, send him here cause i know lots of women that wouldn’t mind a package like him lol. The women who use their heads aren’t goats o. You can fall in love with many things if you allow yourself. that is why it is always good to use head first then the heart will fonder along. You are 29? that is 1 year from 30….Options isn’t your bff. we all wish we could be 20 again 🙂 but those teenage love affairs were just that, now its time to face reality. open your eyes and look around you boo.

  10. Dith-H-P

    February 17, 2010 at 2:49 am

    The part that stuck out to me most in this article was when u talked about analyzing every detail, including his financial status.
    U know there was a time last year when I was beginning to wonder what had happened to me? What happened to the whole love triumphs all (including financial woes) parable this innocent girl had been sticking by? The whole romeo & juliet type love?
    Was I somehow beginning to turn into a *GASPS* Golddigger? LOL

    But after much more thinking, I realized that I am merely just waking up to the harsh realities of life. And for sure my experience & that of others serves nothing but an eye opener. Truth is every marriage & even relationship needs some form of financial stability in order for it to work, because there are certain burdens which love alone just cannot carry.

    And surely! dating the insanely handsome delivery guy with no ambition is definitely not going to cut it………for me at least!

  11. Noni

    February 17, 2010 at 3:10 am

    well said Glory..story of my life lol

  12. hmmm

    February 17, 2010 at 4:29 am

    Love is not how we saw it growing up, yet it is also not a fantasy as well, it is real. It is as well, as most know the basis of christian belief. We need to be realistic that we cant find all we want in one guy (same goes for the guys too), there will always be something missing but that doesn’t mean we should settle. I’m a believer in always getting what is meant for you, if your on the right path, he may not come as a prince ready to wisk you away to his palace, so that all your needs will fade away. He may comes as a great guy who loves u, has a good job n great plans for the future. All I’m saying is that women should hope again because if there is nothing to hope for you’ll just settle for what “looks” good at that moment in time and miss what is genuinely good for a life time.

  13. Omosexy

    February 17, 2010 at 6:48 am

    u are at the point where u are ultimately going to decide what is best, love, or everything else. At 27, i share your sentiments.

  14. nikky

    February 17, 2010 at 9:18 am

    i really identify with the story but i ve laid it all to God cos after waiting this long, i cant compromise now. keep believing in God to give you your hart desire he will surely answer you.

  15. duchess419

    February 17, 2010 at 9:29 am

    LOL @ Seun. Love in this decade is a business transaction, is it ever enough and does it even exist. Using your head vs your heart is every girls battle, usually the heart loses and the head wins. Love, what love, foolish love?

  16. luvbogg

    February 17, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    @ seun, marrying a ‘poor man’ is so difficult these days….expectations from family and friends, ambition, competition and the likes have made marrying for love seem ridiculous if you are lucky and your beau turns out comfy then luck is on your side but if not………..you are your own!….lol

  17. Tess

    February 17, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    My dear, you remind me of myself. In my early days and even now, i ask myself lots and lots of questions of ‘Is he’ d moment a guy says hi.
    And now, i am almost ur age and very bored and lonely still searching for ‘perfect’ love.
    God help us oooooooo

  18. Ncyluv

    February 17, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    Love does exist dear but you have to love with your head then the heart has no choice but to follow. Love is just not enough, signs…..

    Question
    what is the next step for us single,well educated and working ladies?

  19. idoncome o

    February 17, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    lol @ hibiscus!

    interesting read 🙂

  20. Caramel4u

    February 17, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    didn’t get a rose petal as well but the call and text from my dad reminded me that I was loved…even got a mail from my it’s very complicated ex

  21. silkywave

    February 17, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Life and love gets complicated by the day! Only God can help us!

  22. Nikki

    February 17, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    LOL..Interesting and funny article..yet serious. I totally feel u, kinda like you read my mind before writing the article!

  23. Myne Whitman

    February 17, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    Interesting read. Rule of the thumb, in matters of relationships, follow your heart.

  24. dee

    February 17, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    honestly am nt married but 2 be honest marriage isnt abt luv alone ….the only question here is can he make u happy and can u make him happy and lastly do u think d feelings will grow eventually after you spend more time with him

  25. gbekun

    February 18, 2010 at 3:12 am

    i am just 20 and those are the very questions i’m asking myself constantly when i meet a guy. its sad. i think i had better just settle down and enjoy my youth instead of thinking of my future just yet

  26. John

    February 18, 2010 at 7:45 am

    As far as we are on this earth the love we share no matter how true, will always be conditional. The writer as she is now, definitely cannot marry an uneducated village young man. so use your head and your heart will follow. As a teenager you can use your heart but you will learn to use your head over the years, am sure many people can testify to that…..meanwhile teenagers this days use their heads more. The only Love that is unconditional is Jesus’s love. If it wasn’t conditional Love, we wont have break ups and all,but because some conditions were not met at some point in time, break ups spring up and we go loving another person like we never did before with a more opened eye

  27. prisca

    February 18, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    this marriage thing don tire me sef …. all the question you have to ask yourself n ask God about the road ahead plenty …..love is not enuff …personalities of each party have to fan d love to grow ….

  28. sylvia

    February 18, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    love was meant to be genuine,but,todays love has many undertones that brings future problems,though some also have good sustainance.love should be from both ends.

  29. maureen

    February 18, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    i thought i was the one being hard to myself. its just that if e no be panadol, e no fit be panadol. marraige shd never be contracted on ‘let me just manage since time is going’. thats y am still here n single otherwise every moment, one comes across guys that dont really fit into d pix of someone i can spend the REST OF MY LIFE with. so despite the pressure, i say to myself;y d rush? honestly, u rush in, ud rush out.

  30. Lara

    February 18, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Love sure does not lead the way, because love alone does not build and keep a marriage. Follow your head is what they say but sometimes the heart has a say.

  31. Bintu

    February 18, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    I got married at 23 and its 7 years on, it still feels like yesterday, my boo was a young hustler, and I was in uni, I didn’t think much of what he had at the moment because he’s very ambitious. So the car and where he worked issue wasn’t my problem.

    Love grows; it’s just like a seed sown on fertile ground. Now what is this fertile ground? It’s up to u to decide, to me it was understanding, values, friendship, trust and religion. When the ground is fertile, the relationship begins to grow, into stem and a full plant or whatever.

    It is good to ask some questions, but the material questions beat me. Women and men have become too materialistic and true love only comes when the guy is rich, handsome or the girl pretty and a working class girl. We have lost the plot I must say, no wonder the divorce rate in niaja is sky rocketing daily.

    Fall in love; follow your heart. Don’t be stupid because love isn’t.
    Love is a beautiful thing, I can testify to that.

    Good luck to all those searching for that special; someone.

  32. ForeverYoung

    February 18, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    As much as am trying to restrain from responding to this write up, this unexplainable urge in me just wont let me walk away without saying something.
    Love, *sigh* very complicated. Its not just as str8 forward as ppl make it, reality on the other hand is a bitch, excuse my french. Honestly with you looking at 30, its time to put things in perspective and reconstruct your “LIST”.
    For example, say ur dream has always been to marry a rich,generous,good-hearted tall & handsome young doctor who would genuinely love u more than life itself, but you wake up one day @29 and discover the doc ain nowhere in sight, all you see is this certified nursing assistant, who “plans” on going to school to complete his nursing degree. Hes not so goodlooking, but he ain ugly either, he ain poor but hes living from pay check to pay check. Now hes ready to love you, hes good-hearted and theres just a tiny little something about him you feel can make him lovable, I’ll say girl go for him, cos in life there are no gaurantees, u feel its hard now @29, tsk tsk 35 is just around the corner, now is still good enough time to put urself out there,in 6yrs even Mr Nursing Assistant wont be available, if u fold ur arms and look, next thing is u would see ur birthday cake with 35 candles for u to blow.
    Try it all, ask friends or friends of friends, go online, do cross-road fasting, yes ke, na serious matter, ur mates are doing 40days prayers and fasting for God to bring Mr Good-enough and they are still waiting, so go figure. Go spiritual on it, let ppl know u r available , ain no shame when it comes to looking for love, go see the movie “hes not just that into you” and see how women/men search for this thing called love.
    At 29 u still have a good margin of guys to pick from, u can still marry from 30 – 35. A lot of guys are still legitimately single within this age bracket. When u start turning 32 , ur dating pool grows slimmer, and u would run into 38yrold single and ever searching guys. Those ones I call late bloomers, its either they would never be serious or theres something seriously wrong with them.
    If this val dude has something about him u find lovable, open up ur heart girl and see where it takes u.
    Have it at the back of your mind this is just a general review, there are always exceptions, you might just be that exception that would find Mr-Right @ 35, but then, you might not just be an exception at all. Gods speed!!!

  33. Gotta Go...

    February 18, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Very well said.

  34. ore

    February 18, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    hello, please . i need help fast. I wonder why am not in a relationship for ten years now. Am in my late twenties. Honestly, i dont even have any of these datas on my head. even now my ferinds ask me, what do i want from a marraige. I say peace and still am not finding. pls help. do you think i need spiritual help

  35. fashun

    February 19, 2010 at 12:15 am

    first, don’t confuse love for an emotional feeling, it’s a conscious decision u mk evrydy,so yeah love grows.forget d spark!lets nt deceive each other we create d spark we want to c.forget d fact dat u can’t spnd 60sec/min wit him& try spending it wit him erasing all fore knowledge of him, u’ll c urself likin him.tym is ticking,give d guy a chance,But;dnt mk d AVAILABLE b’com d DESIRABLE!

  36. roundrobin

    February 19, 2010 at 11:57 am

    im as confused as you are!!

  37. Gem

    February 20, 2010 at 2:26 am

    It aint even about love. Finding Mr Right, The One, Love of my Life or whatever moniker he’s supposed to go by these days, is so exhausting that I seriously cannot be bothered. I am 25, well educated, goodlooking and relatively well-mannered but I just cannot be bothered anymore. I can soooo relate to this because the feeling I get when someone attempts to chat me up is dread…because I know from then on you become a ‘prospects analyst’…is he the one? is he eligible? what job? what are his interests? can I be me? and blah blah!!!!
    Its boring knowing it has to lead somewhere…it sucks the fun out of it. I sooo miss my care-free nonchalant early-20s…aint growing up a bitch?!

  38. Tomi

    February 20, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Great article, it appears many can relate. I can only advise that he does exist, there is one out there for you who will blow you away. I was previously a skeptic and didn’t think ‘the one’ was out there. My previous serious relationship ended after several years, and upon taking a friends advise, the next will be better. So there I was, I prayed for a life partner, thinking if only marginally better than the last, it will be acceptable. Then came along my love, better than I could ever imagine. Same values, similar goals, truly a gift from God. Love is truly a beautiful thing, and I believe no one should settle for Mr OK, because Mr right is there, do not give up!

  39. can i av a dance rosey

    February 20, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    seems like for once everyone agrees on a topic on this thread..am 27 goin on 28..got married lastyear and generally having fun in my marriage..but truth is..it didnt quite start out all perfect.hubby happened to be one of those toasters i cldnt and ddnt give the light of day..no single valentine passed without atleast a cake even when he was outa town.long story short,he ended up being my friend for 7yrs cos i just ddnt feel dat spark for him.so 7yrs later and no promising husband material to show..he asks me out again..i go to God in serious tears asking Him why i can”t be attracted to this great guy..and believe me..when i say He heard my cry! i do not know how or when it hapened (and i definitely don’t believe in ‘faking da funk’..)..but He did…we’re happily married today..just thot i’d share this..hope it points out to the fact that ur prince charming may not come as a ‘knight in shining armour’..be sensitive in ur spirit and TALK to God..my ten kobo!

  40. Dith-H-P

    February 21, 2010 at 4:17 am

    K u guys! I just did my own little spin on this topic. Check it out when u hv d chance. Long read tho!

    http://diths-haute-spot.blogspot.com/2010/02/but-what-exactly-is-gold-digging.html

  41. Michelle

    March 8, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    I’ve been where you are…just keep the faith and God will come through.

  42. Mams

    April 2, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    lol @ package like him!! but its true sha – know sum ladies who would work with that (matter of fact sharp sharp) and next time you see the bobo with them- you thinking damn!!!

    I think matters of the heart and mind require one thing- balance between what you want and what you need…..dont be too obessessed with material….follow your hear but look for potential my dear!! 🙂

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