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BN Online Exclusive: Mr. Fine Boy – Proudly Naija

BellaNaija.com

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When I learned that my girl Bella was the guest editor for this issue, I said I must write something for una my people o. She’s a good friend and I’m so proud of her, especially after seeing her on Oprah last week. Bella always represents Nigeria proudly, which is a trait I absolutely love. I’m very “proudly naija” too but I must confess it hasn’t always been this way. When I was younger, I didn’t fully appreciate my naija-ness o.

I’m back in the states on vacation at the moment and I went back to my old college to see some of my former professors, and it was only when I started talking to them that I realized that I was known as the British guy throughout my time there. I moved to the states from London, and back then I used to give them strong British fonne. The thing used to attract Yankee babes so I used to display it harrrd. Sometimes I’d mix up the whole accent sef, until the thing go be like Australian-American-Canadian-Nigerian mish-mash. Abeg those yankee people no know the difference jo. I remember one time during my second year in college, I was dating one hot chick, Anissa. First time we had a conversation, she said;

“Oh my God! Your accent is so sexy! Where are you from?”
Kai, I think am.
“I’m err…from London, England.”
“Wow! I’ve never met a black person from London. That’s so hot!”

That’s how it started o. You’d have thought that I had grown up in Knightsbridge. I didn’t lie now; she just never asked where my parents were from. So technically no be lie abi? Anyway sha, that’s how the British story started getting deeper and deeper. Kai, I bobo’d to the extent that I couldn’t even say anything if people were dissing Nigeria. One time some girls in my class were saying how they’d never go to Africa because there’d be no cable or clean water there. I’d just be muttering to myself, “ Yepa. Olori buruku!” Another one was telling me she thought I was so cute. That she’d love to date a guy from England or the Caribbean ‘cos they’re so hot. But she’d never go near those Africans. Imagine! Mumu girl.

Kai, the thing used to pain me o! I remember one time at the mall, Anissa and I had just walked into the food court and were headed to the Chinese spot. That’s how I just spotted two long-mouth opelenge naija girls that I had met through my roommate. Shet! I quickly looked away and started heading to the opposite end of the court. I just heard;

“Fiiineboy! Oluwafineboooy!!!!”
Damn. The way these babes were running towards us, you woulda thought we were close friends or something o! When they finally caught up to us, I wanted to quickly dismiss them, but them no gree.

“Fineboy!! Wassup now? Why are you chinning us?”
“Hi, how are you lot doing?”
“Ah ah. Which one is this shakara you’re now doing?
“What?”
“Why are you now posing? Talk like yourself jare! Yeye Naija boy!”
Yepa. These girls wan pour sand inside my garri sha.
“Huh? I don’t know what you’re toolking about mate. I’ll catch you guys later yeah?”

Men I grabbed the babe’s hand and disappeared sharp sharp. When she asked me what language they were speaking, I told her men I didn’t know o, that they were some weird African girls my roommate had introduced me to. God forgive me o!

I remember another time, when my nephew, Wale was visiting from Nigeria. I was stuck babysitting him when Anissa called me to go out for brunch. I coached the boy well well o. “Wale don’t talk too loud o, just talk softly softly okay? Fine boy.”
Wale agreed and we headed out to meet Anissa at the train station. When she saw Wale, Anissa gave him a big hug and this yeye boy just dey squeeze everything sha. Bad naija boy. He didn’t say much and I was happy with his performance for the first 15 minutes or so, until he noticed an ice cream truck across the street. Na so Wale begin shout o!

“Uncle buy me Yogo!”
Yogo ke? “Wale do you want some ice cream?”
He nodded. We crossed the street and when we got the van, na so this yeye boy begin shout o!
“No I don’t want that one! I want yogo! Fan yogo!”
“Erm Wale, I know you have that sort of dessert in London, but they don’t have that here, have a popsickle.”
“Hehn? No I want fan yogo o, fan yogo!”
Chai, this big head boy wan finish me sha. He now left me and started grabbing Anissa’s hand.
“Aunty please, Aunty pleaseeeeee buy me fan yogo! I want the ice one!”

Wahala dey o. The babe was a bit confused. Wale no gree men, and in the end I begged him to manage one ice cream cone. When we got to the restaurant, Wale asked me “Uncle why are you talking like that? Are you not a Nigerian?” and started laughing. Kai. Yeye boy even had the nerve to ask for rice and dodo.

PROUDLY NAIJA!

After a while though, I started to hate that I hadn’t just been myself, I’ve always been proud to be Nigerian men, but I can’t lie, with all this terrorist nonsense, I don’t say I’m Nigerian anymore o! I’m a proper British lad innit.

Article originally published in Naija Times – April 2010 Edition. All rights reserved by the author
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Mr. Fine Boy is a well known (and loved!) ex-blogger – www.naijafineboy.blogspot.com. He was one of the 25 participants of the Chimamanda Adichie helmed Farafina Trust Writer’s Workshop.
He is working on a novel titled ‘Emere,’ and another based on his blog persona called ‘Daily Tonic – Mr.Fineboy’s Guide to Life, Love and Lagos‘ to be published next year. Also look out for other short stories by the author to be published via online literary journals soon.

54 Comments

  1. Nabila idris ibrahim

    April 28, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    Oh! I love it!!!! New fan!!!

  2. juno

    April 28, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    i think i almost peed my pants loool good lord!

  3. BBB

    April 28, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    loves it
    following ur blog now

  4. mayowalulu

    April 28, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    oh woww! bahahahaaa loool! this too funny!! ya better write moRE! i want to read more from you~

  5. Dee

    April 28, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    ROFLOL :”Two long-mouth opelenge naija girls that I had met through my roommate. Shet
    “Aunty please, Aunty pleaseeeeee buy me fan yogo! I want the ice one!”
    Funny and interesting..

  6. oju

    April 28, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    LOL…that’s how this guy in class yesterday asked me where im from? saying I looked West Indies…Part of me wanted to just lie for him but I just thot what the heck…im Nigerian jo…hate it or love it!!

  7. kekere

    April 28, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    lmao. “Australian-American-Canadian-Nigerian mish-mash.”
    Always a fan!

  8. bebe

    April 28, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    lwkmd!! This was very very hilarious …. and very fresh.
    I remember when the terrorist thing happened, when asked where i’m from, i’d say Africa …lol

  9. rowls

    April 28, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    hahaha dis is so funny,well done.u defo a proper british lad innit, lol classic:)

  10. Lynda

    April 28, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    LOOL This piece was hilarious!

  11. pele

    April 28, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    omg Fine boy…pls come back to blogville o

  12. pele

    April 28, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    yepa!buy me Yogo..chei….

  13. olu

    April 29, 2010 at 12:00 am

    lol. this is sooo hilarious, absolutely loved it. can we have more from mr fine boy pls.

  14. Dith-H-P

    April 29, 2010 at 12:37 am

    LMAO @ Opelenge naija girls! Mr Fineboy always cracks me up but this is so true. 1ce upon a time, nobody wanted to be a Nigerian-it was always, “I’m not Nigerian but my parents are”–Yea sure with a name like Adebose Otipoju. hahahaha! lmao But now everyone is screaming “naija till i die.” Whatever happened? I mean it’s not like Naija changed drastically or anything? Would u say it’s cos of d surge in d entertainment industry? Hmm! something 2 think abt or maybe even blog about. hehehe

  15. Dith-H-P

    April 29, 2010 at 12:40 am

    & this whole “I am embarrassed of my nationality thing” is not just a Nigeria thing. I have friends from all over and some have difficulty accepting their other side. Why is this so?
    if your parents are Nigerian, Indian, hispanic or whatever, it means u also are. No ifs, no buts abt that. U can be equally American too or British…
    No lie some people identify more with one side than d other but it’s just hilarious when I see a proper naija bred trying to form Americana or Britiko with a heavy accent. If only they realize how crazy they sound.

  16. Moji

    April 29, 2010 at 12:41 am

    fine boy! where have u been? you left the blog scene and i have missed you die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you nid to stage a return o!

  17. Dith-H-P

    April 29, 2010 at 12:42 am

    p.s whatever happened to follow up comment notifications Bella? Pls endeavor to fix that. I’ld love to read what folks have to say abt this topic.

  18. NGOzi

    April 29, 2010 at 1:24 am

    omg Mr Fineboy is a joker and the half Bruv! lol

  19. FB_1331632174

    April 29, 2010 at 1:29 am

    He doesn’t blog no more jo :-(…Mr. Fineboy please come out of hiding…I miss you.

  20. Juliet

    April 29, 2010 at 1:59 am

    LOOOOOOL this was so funny! im a london born naija too, but completely opposite…there isnt a single person that doesnt know im nigerian lol! im sooo proud of my roots. Na naija blood dey for this omo! 🙂

  21. Ijeoma

    April 29, 2010 at 2:20 am

    LMAO. Mr Fineboy, you’ve done it again! I don’t blame you though – after last christmas I started telling people I was West African. You should know it’s pure torture waiting for that book 🙂

  22. azazel

    April 29, 2010 at 3:08 am

    lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  23. burramint

    April 29, 2010 at 4:24 am

    hahahaha! this was too funny!!

  24. flygerian

    April 29, 2010 at 5:15 am

    lawd! I was laughing so hard…innit..am british mehn lol

  25. Bola #1

    April 29, 2010 at 5:47 am

    lol,mish mash fonne, fan ice yogo…

  26. Bola #1

    April 29, 2010 at 5:55 am

    but seriously, are you one of those naija guys who avoids naija chicks?

  27. yombeh

    April 29, 2010 at 6:13 am

    lol extremely funny, how can i be a member of his blog

  28. Ezi

    April 29, 2010 at 6:29 am

    Fantastic piece!

  29. mee

    April 29, 2010 at 6:32 am

    can someone leave a link to his blog please 🙂

  30. Smiley

    April 29, 2010 at 7:23 am

    Lmaooo! I was just reading his original blog, my friend hooked me up, this guy is hella funny! Love his writing man, so original. Good one.

  31. Smiley

    April 29, 2010 at 7:24 am

  32. Sarah

    April 29, 2010 at 7:43 am

    OMG Finebooooyyyyy! We’ve missed you! Been a devoted fan since those back in the day Baba Alaaye days(not that many of us left eh?)….Can’t wait to buy your book!

  33. teekay

    April 29, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Fantastic one!!!!! Bro!

  34. clefticjayjay

    April 29, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Mr fineboy, got a book? didnt know that! just knew you disappeared from the scene like Mr lewiboro.Anyway don’t stop now.

    • Mr Lewiboro

      December 6, 2010 at 11:52 pm

      Thanks for mentioning me, FYI, Im back. check out my new post.

  35. munira

    April 29, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    fine boy is bacckkk!! is ur book out yet??? this is reminiscent of ur days on blogsvillee.. really miss it.

  36. africanqueen

    April 29, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    fuuny i luv it i did the opposite when i went to london………..acted as if i dont understand yorubaor broken english!!!!!!!! it was fun watching be so confused and used to talk about me……..my guy

  37. Zena'ssprawlings

    April 29, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    fine boi we miss u sha

  38. FirstIWantToDanceWithYouPere

    April 29, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    from reading the comments here, seems like most people who come on Bella Naija are bloggers or ex bloggers sa…I awlays wonder cos when i ask my friends if they go on BN they
    are like what is that?I will keep preaching the BN gospel o.

    Mr Fine Boy, you have to go back to blogging!Whatta hell.I go to your blog to
    make my self laff!funny dude

  39. Lande

    April 29, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    ha ha! that’s too funny! he’s awesome.

  40. Zaine

    April 29, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    OMD!!!! there u r!!!! lwkmd!!! PLEASE start blogging again!!!! therz 2 much sorrow in the world now…we need a good laff…hehe….and if u really have a book coming out soon, i need the details!!! hahaha

  41. illchic84

    April 29, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    LMAO. This article cracked me the hell up. Dude is very funny.

  42. anon

    April 29, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    This dude is freaking hilarious, as always.

  43. Bola

    April 29, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    This guy is a psycho! lmao! trdmf! (that by the way is ‘tears running down my face!) lol

  44. jess

    April 30, 2010 at 12:49 am

    OMG I have missed Mr Fineboy!! Hahahaha..so glad he’s gonna start writing more often!! Yay!

  45. tade

    April 30, 2010 at 8:37 am

    mr fineboy!! ive missed you!
    loved your articles in naija times,
    but i dont get it here!
    i need a dose of your tonic! 🙁

  46. vanessa

    April 30, 2010 at 10:10 am

    lwkmd!!!fun article

  47. Derin

    May 1, 2010 at 1:43 am

    MISSED FINEBOY’S BLOG SOOO MUCH CAN’T WAIT TO CATCH UP!!!!

  48. MelKhay

    May 1, 2010 at 4:02 am

    O naija fineboy! Ive missed your blog!! They kept me going after very busy days.
    Good you’ll be writing soon again… Cant wait!! 😀

  49. Olivia M

    May 1, 2010 at 4:21 am

    I’m so loving every bit of this article .You are not only ”Mr fine boy’but a talented one.Can’t wait for your book to be out.Keep it up.

  50. anon

    May 1, 2010 at 4:21 am

    This beta not be a tease, keep it coming. Am I the only one who wants to
    see him in person, Mr. fineboy show ur face! Have you ever consider
    comedy? I will totally pay money to see you.

  51. Busola

    May 4, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Hilarious!! U’ve done it again! Luv ur Nephew, true naija boy ” Uncle, I want fan yogo”! lol…. It’s indeed pure torture to wait for ur book……. Wish u could keep blogging though…..

  52. dids

    May 13, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    hilarious piece….

  53. O ga oh

    September 14, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    I just discoverd fine boy’s blog today and i absolutely had to sit down and read the entire thing, wow funny as hellll!
    Why did he stop? I can’t wait for his book to come out, definitely buying it, kudos!!

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