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The Morning After

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Last night, when the love was too strong,

We couldn’t fight it and you stayed

Just a little too long,

So for now it’s morning and yesterday’s gone

But can we move on?”

The words above are the hook to the song “Last Night (Can we move on?)”  by former R&B singer, Montell Jordan. The song which was released on his 1999 album, “Get it On…Tonite” has somehow managed to stay in my head all these years. Why? Because it spoke of quite  a serious issue that has happened to me and I’m sure a lot of you too. The song is about the “morning after”; you know, the “morning after” a night of sex or love making. What makes this particular “morning after” different from other “morning afters” is that this particular morning is after the first time you have had sex with someone, which was most probably unplanned as well.

Allow me to illustrate. Tony meets Ada and they become good friends, and like most friendships involving two people of the opposite sex, they begin to have feelings for each other. Tony makes his feelings known to Ada, but unfortunately she isn’t quite ready to progress the relationship. So they decide to remain just friends– they call each other up, hang out, share burdens and joys, etc. Then one night, while at Tony’s place, the mutual feelings and attraction reach a crescendo, and after a shared bottle of wine they cross the boundaries that they had set up and by seeming mutual consent, end up having great sex. Finally!

Now ordinarily that should be a “good” thing, right? Unfortunately, in my experience I have found that sometimes it’s not such a good thing. And it all starts from the moment you both wake up, the ‘morning after’. As the wine or euphoria clears with wakefulness, Tony and Ada both come to a full realization of what has just transpired between them and there is heavy awkwardness. Hitherto the pair who had found it easy to talk and flow on any subject find themselves strangely reticent. Ada shyly gathers her clothing and beats a hasty retreat. Tony notices the change and tries to say something funny which falls flat, but Ada in her desire to lighten the mood laughs, yet it doesn’t come out quite as nice as it used to. As they part, they promise to call each other up.

A whole day passes, and no one has called the other. Traditionally, it is expected that the guy is the one to make the post-liaison call to check up on the woman. Unfortunately, Tony did not get that memo; he is still trying to figure out what exactly to say to Ada. I mean what do you say to a friend with whom you have just had sex? On the other side of town, Ada is patiently waiting for Tony to call and when he doesn’t, a hundred-and-one thoughts run through her mind: “Maybe he doesn’t really like me”; “Maybe I wasn’t that good”; “Maybe he’s gotten what he’s always wanted and now he’s no longer interested”. She hopes he calls, she prays he calls; he doesn’t. Tony eventually calls – three days later – and Ada understandably is cold towards him. They eventually hook up a few days later and Ada accuses Tony of sleeping with her and then avoiding her, he denies, claiming instead that he has been busy. Even in cases were the guy does call on-time, when they finally meet things are not quite the same. The girl who was formally bubbly and friendly is now cold and withdrawn, and the guy is not as patient. Their body language shows that things have changed and if not properly handled, their relationship instead of getting better actually deteriorates and eventually ends.

Why does this happen? Perhaps, from the woman’s point of view, it is the suspicion that the guy was probably only after one thing, and now that he has gotten it, he may no longer be interested in her, so she subconsciously withdraws. On the other hand, the guy by some primitive biochemical force also tends to subconsciously relax his attentions as soon as he has had sex with the object of his desire. However this doesn’t necessarily mean that he is no longer interested in the girl.

I may be wrong but I think that once a guy and a girl have shown and given their bodies to each other, the relationship gets affected by these thoughts and forces, and it then requires one or both of them to rise above the situation and handle it as maturely as possible. Maturity is key as both of them are trying to figure out what happens next, and what it all means. Indeed, I have found myself in this situation a few times, and a few women have asked me, “What are we now?” At this point, the entire relationship not only rests on the answer to this question, but my ability to answer the question correctly. Do you want to take things to the next level by going into a serious relationship? Or do you want things to remain the way they were (are)? Guys need to be careful at this “morning after” stage because invariably (or as they would like us to think) most women have already moved to the next stage of the relationship – in their heads at the very least – where they have fallen in love or are ready for a serious and committed relationship.

So what really is the correct form of behaviour after a relationship has crossed from friendship into sex? Is it necessary to immediately define where the relationship is going or is it perhaps better to allow time dictate how things play out? In all honesty, I doubt that there might be one correct way to handle this situation to preserve or even improve on the friendship. Perhaps instead of allowing a rising awkwardness to unsettle the friendship, both parties should honestly communicate their feelings and hopes for the relationship. In my opinion just because two people have been intimate doesn’t mean they have to date, taking the dating option usually seems like an attempt to legitimize the ‘deed’ as opposed to following the natural progression of the relationship.

Communication is key. But what happens when both parties are communicating two different things? The truth is, we win some and lose some and again this is where maturity is necessary. If only one party isn’t interested in progressing things further then maybe with time the friendship can progress to a stage were both parties feel comfortable around each other again.

Our ability to maturely communicate what we want and our ability to understand what the other person wants is important. The saddest part is when we fail to communicate. Talking about how you feel is the single most important thing that can be done in this kind of situation. And it is not just about talking; both parties must use the right words and try to properly frame their feelings and new expectations, if any. This will most probably ensure that people like Tony and Ada, enjoy many more happy “morning afters”.

 Photo credit: www.thegrio.com

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 Follow TJ on twitter on @TJOKaro, if you think you can abide more of his opinions than the occasional annoying article!

88 Comments

  1. Jayla

    April 7, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    I know THIS…… actually talked about something similar on twitter this morning

    • Doctor Love

      April 8, 2011 at 10:46 pm

      Love is sweet. Rock and Roll

  2. Ex-boy

    April 7, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Interestingly enough, this sort of start-up as friends and then end up on the periphery of “The Morning After” in many cases always seems to be quite awkward at first but then straightens out later on. Given that both parties as suggested by the author apply maturity to the situation.

    Needless to say, I beleive that Tony & Ada will be fine eventually. Goodluck guys and keep your heads up

  3. Luvlyn

    April 7, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Get it on tonyt by donell jones is also my BEST song. I got it on repeat. It gets me in d mood baby mmmmm*

  4. Olayemi

    April 7, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Hmmnnnn, thanks for shedding light on “Morning Afters”. Its sometimes confusing, even in real relationships *mouthzipped”.

  5. i.tell.it

    April 7, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    This is so true….although i have never experienced one, but i have seen people who have. communication is really key. Nice article.

  6. Tyna

    April 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    This is an interesting story to learn 4rm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. D.O.T.M.H.

    April 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Women generally tend to over think things and it’s worse with educated women. “Assumptions are dangerous” is one of my personal mantras and it just makes sense to talk things through.

    Also, while quite a number of people have had this morning-after experience, it’s worth mentioning that it is VERY avoidable. #ZipUp #I’mNoSaint

  8. partyrider

    April 7, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    iLike..
    interesting read

  9. Mee...

    April 7, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Good write up . Question 4 d guys , do you guys often hide in the clothings of friendship while skimming 4 sex????

    • att

      April 7, 2011 at 10:09 pm

      good question

    • Jack

      April 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

      So, what’s the answer?

  10. gorgeous

    April 7, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    It doesnt have to be awkward, except you are the type that expects marriage after a one night stand. Or even a relationship. If you knew that Marriage/ relationship was your goal, you will not be alone in a house with a man, and a bottle of wine. This is what happens, you either cuddle if you really like the person and both of you sleep in. Or you do not let the sun rise on you in the same bed, if it is just a quick relief. 😉

    • Hali

      April 7, 2011 at 3:58 pm

      @gorgeous – completely agree with you. Why buy milk, when you can get the cow free?

    • gorgeous

      April 7, 2011 at 5:08 pm

      i know. Most relationships after 18 go:
      1) guy meets girl
      2) they become friends and end up in bed after at most 3 weeks if she likes him
      3) Then the decision to define the relationship begins if BOTH parties agree. My emphasis on BOTH.
      Things have really changed these days, it used to be relationship first, but blame it all on the “Sex and the City” Era.

    • Tina

      April 10, 2011 at 12:20 am

      I think you meant to say “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” that makes more sense than what you said

  11. Aibee

    April 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Great piece. Been in this situation before too. t.J is right, maturity is key. Plus never make assumptions. You may have the scenarios panned out in your head but NEVER preepmt the other party. React and respond to how and what they do. Tony & Ada (who I hope are figments of tJ’s imagination), good luck.

  12. Naj

    April 7, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    This is something so many can relate to. Food for thought….

  13. Nene

    April 7, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    I definitely relate to this. It happened to me once and wanted a relationship out of it, I ended up being sooooo disappointed and ashamed when it didn’t work out. I should have been wiser and smarter, so pls ladies, when it happens to you, just chill and relax and give the guy time to express his true feelings, don’t go demanding for a relationship immediately after, you may end up with a burst bubble. To be honest sha, I really enjoyed the night and don’t regret that part of it 😀

  14. dewowo

    April 7, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Nice! but spear me to say it is very important to define EVERY relationship from the very start (u should know what u want).
    Also note Ada & Tony were seeing each other like most normal pple until they hit the bed gbam!
    even married pple are faced with “Morning Afters”. X is not something u say. it is an ACT! avoid regrets/pains by doing the right thing. hundreds hv contacted HIV and the likes from a one night stand.
    having said dat, stay away from wine and zipup! good luck.

  15. Tessy

    April 7, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    I can relate to this. I just met a guy and we were really flowing. He invited me over to his place to hang out, and although we didn’t have sex, we made out extensively. x_x Anyway, he didn’t talk to me the next day and the day after that and the day after that. And so, I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided to give him a call. He acted like he couldn’t remember me. I almost died.

    • Nene

      April 7, 2011 at 4:36 pm

      Ok, so this is sad…..Pele girl!!!

    • curiousShe

      April 7, 2011 at 4:44 pm

      lmao!!! Pardon me Tessy, i know this is no laughing matter. I can imagine how you must have felt.
      wow, some guys can be real jerks!

    • Q

      April 7, 2011 at 11:39 pm

      i;m still having a gud laff cos its not me……especially how she ended wit…’i almost died!’ i can only imagine how dat feels, well look on d bright side- nothing teaches u like ur own experience……better luck next time babe!

    • Sobe

      April 7, 2011 at 5:00 pm

      \Are u serious… heheheheh wow. He a chicken

    • gorgeous

      April 7, 2011 at 5:05 pm

      this has never happened to me cause, but oh God. Talk about self essteem battles if it did. I hope you are okay. phew!

    • gorgeous

      April 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm

      *cause, oh my God!*

    • Asake Tokyo

      April 7, 2011 at 5:11 pm

      Chai.. sorry o it happens..

  16. O_O

    April 7, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    THATS BAD ! I lov BN for real, most things here are wat is currently happening in my life. I havn’t slept with him & I dn’t think I would…*shrugs* we mite make out extensively, maybe, just to rub it in that he is crazily into me. 🙂

  17. faith

    April 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    i can relete to it too…i met a guy two yrs ago…den i just came out of a relationship dat ended badly…i met dis guy on a thursday morning wen i went to pump my car tires. we xchanged numbers…called me n i went to his house dat evening…notin hapend sha but he asked me to follow him to owerri d nextday which i agreed.on fridy we went to owerri had very good sex dat night…n we came back on sunday….i cooked for him dat sunday evening den went home…he didnt call me d nextday…for 1wk i didnt hear for him….he finally called me afta 1wk n 2dy…i pretended av forgotten abt him….to cut a long story short we r stil best friends till today…my advice to gurls is…dont expect much from such act…relax n if he likes u he will come for u…

    • Monisola

      April 9, 2011 at 3:42 am

      Couldn’t agree more, Faith. To be sincere it happened to me and I thought it was the weirdest thing ever! Just like the writer touched on, it takes two matured people to figure things out. I didn’t expect too much and handled the situation maturely. when I felt he was starting to pull away from me I felt so bad but still comported. Those qualities he saw and knew that he would be an a-hole to let me go. Today, we are still together and waxing stronger.

  18. Jelly

    April 7, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Hmm (deep breath) … “Morning Afters” . Been there done that, really awkward not something i wanna experience too many times. I wish as a lady i can muster every sense maturity i have and verbal expression to talk about my feelings to my “Morning After”, i do a real bad job (keep mute and avoid the fella). Best not to go through with it, i now know where the “too much wine” and too much “let-myself-go” lines are. No more of such awkward mornings and ruining comfortable friendships. 🙂

  19. Tessy

    April 7, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Lol thanks guys.:) And shege to those laughing. LOL. Trying to get over the whole thing. Learnt a lesson from the whole thing. Don’t get attached to a guy just because you made out with him or slept with him. If he doesn’t want to be with you, there’s nothing you can do about it.

  20. Truetalk

    April 7, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Does this article endorse fornication? It is a SIN to have sex or “make out extensively” with someone you are not married to. Please see I Corinthians 6:18.

    • TruthTeller

      April 7, 2011 at 6:30 pm

      You’ve spoken the entire truth.premarital sex is a No No.it causes hurt, pain, suspicion,anxiety…the list sure is endless.(writing from experience)

    • Miss Face

      April 7, 2011 at 9:20 pm

      Word!

  21. Socris

    April 7, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Please no need to get religious abeg! People are just sharing their life expereinces. We’ve all made mistakes, cried and learnt to live with the lessons.

    • Mex

      April 8, 2011 at 1:59 pm

      People that say what you just spouted here are the ones that wanna believe in God but still live in the world. Not judging, but anyone is allowed to express their religious belief just like you are allowed to share your life experiences.

    • partyrider

      April 9, 2011 at 1:43 am

      bless u

  22. Miss-cRaZy

    April 7, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    ^^….#owkay. . .Nice BN….seen!!

  23. justme

    April 7, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    When I was dating my now husband, we had sex by the end of the third week and the morning after, He asked me if i regretted going all the way and I said no. I asked him how he felt and he told me that he was beyond happy! We were very factual with each other and we are till now.

    • Done that!

      April 7, 2011 at 9:40 pm

      Had sex by the end of the 3rd week with a guy which we started out as friends.Guess what?he was sleeping with my cousin as well! this caused a major rift btw my cos, him and myself when i realised that i was being taken for a ride.Thing is, he knew my cos and i were related and had evn bragged to his friends about his plan bcos i was a champion at playing hard-to-get while in uni.Needless to say,I dont ever talk to this guy.Oh and he continued havin a relationship wit this cousin of mine which made me look like a home-wrecker.This is a guy that was all so sweet and nice in those 3weeks!I couldnt believe this was the nasty thing talking crap and making me feel worthless after it all.I just couldnt believe it.All i left with was bitterness,resentment and the last strand of dignity i could find.Thank God though that today, i am born-again and by God’s grace would never indulge in such self-devaluing acts again and thank God i wasnt infected wit HIV(later found out he had it and just wanted to spread it,heard he would usually use a pin to puncture a hole in the condom). So u see, lets not promote casual sex apart frm it being a sin and all, alot of blood and tears are shed along the way.it may hv worked for u but nt always the case most of the time. Hope someone learns something from this.God bless

    • Deola

      April 8, 2011 at 12:49 am

      HA! Spreading HIV by bursting the condom????????

    • Mex

      April 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

      Wow, such a sad story. Sorry to hear that, but glad you are born again. Jesus saves and God forgives. The earlier people stop fornicating and focus on self improvement and worshiping God, the better off they will be. Sex was never meant to be callous or between any tom, dick, and harry. A lot of things happen when people engage in premarital sex including transmitting stds. What a lot of folks don’t know is that there are people out there that use sex to steal ones gift and blessings. Some guys are wicked nowadays and some girls are dangerous. Wrap it up and get married then go have as much sex as you wanna; heck, you can even travel the world and have sex on every freaking hotel rooftop.

  24. Biodun

    April 7, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    @Truetalk what took you so long??!! lmaooooo

  25. Party-tricks

    April 7, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Interesting comments here. BN’s readers really make this site a great read. Decent post, T.J.

    Let me just add my 2 kobo:
    @ Faith: What did you expect when you met a chap at the ‘vulcanizers’ and travelled and slept with him a day later. I mean you took a trip with him to Owerri of all places. To those who know, that is like taking a girl in America to Las Vegas for the weekend. Or in England, to say, Blackpool or something like that. Owerri is a fun place, no doubt, but you know the rules: what happens in Vegas (Owerri) stays in Vegas (Owerri). This includes any grand designs you may have on a long-term relationship. Babes, what you and home-boy had was a good old fashioned ‘one-night stand’ (2 nights in this instance, kudos) or what is referred to in Nigerian parlance as ‘chop and clean mouth’

    Please let me endorse some points to help prevent post-coital distress:

    1. Please note that some guys/girls you sleep with are not relationship worthy. “They are to have not to hold”
    2. If you are a girl who really fancies a guy as relationship material, do not sleep with them prior. I am a guy, and I am kicking myself for falling my own hand as i hand out this advice, but maybe I am in a happy mood today.
    3. If you are a guy, please keep shut after you have bust a nut. Stop trying to force jokes or the situation. It makes it more tense. Hook the lass up with a stir-fry instead or watch E! with her
    4. If you are a female, do not rush into the bathroom and spend an eternity there. Just relax; wearing your clothes and chastity belt does not erase the fact that you have just shagged your friend.
    5. That rule on who calls first is bollocks. If you cower from calling the other person, then you guys should stay incommunicado – forever.
    6. Talk about the fact that you just did it. Stop inducing selective amnesia or dancing around the fact. It magnifies the issue in your mind
    7. Bro, be open with this chick if you do not want anything. Stop giving chaps a bad name. This scorned babe will padlock herself for some other suitable chap.
    8. Homegirl, stop over-analyzing the fella for signs. I have had a girl look at me, and sigh like ‘You have gotten what you want now, abi?’ Girls need to chill, and stop feeling like they have been given fish in exchange for a snake.
    9. Guys, if the girl was your close friend, continue to show her love for what it is worth. Sex is not worth a good friendship. Take your agro out on an aristo babe.

    Cheers for reading.
    http://www.woahnigeria.wordpress.com

    • Nene

      April 7, 2011 at 8:20 pm

      I love ur reply. Will definitely be checking out your blog, but why are all Nigerians into blog-writing these days, just asking oh….okbye!!

    • Miss A.T.L.

      April 8, 2011 at 6:15 am

      LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL @ #2 (kicking yourself for falling your hand) and #3 (watch E! with her)

    • faith

      April 8, 2011 at 2:54 pm

      @party-trick….i didnt see him as anytin serious…as i said b4 just got out of a bad relationship n wanted sometin dat wuld keep my mind off things….but am happy he didnt turn out bad atall….n av neva reggrtted it…he even called today…guess i was lucky…period…

  26. Aijay

    April 7, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    My candid opinion? Babe if you like a guy, go for him. Dont overdrag all in the name of being friends. Because the moment the guy gets what he has always wanted, his interest wanes. But if you want to be friends in the real sense of it, remain friends. Dont cross the line

  27. thatgal

    April 7, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    Marriage is honourable the bed undefiled. Sex was created by God for the confines of marriage. Ladies always get the shorter end of the stick so be wise. True talk n done that, thanks 4 speaking up.

  28. Purpleicious Babe

    April 8, 2011 at 1:25 am

    To be honest… it can sometimes be complicated to offer an advice or make a point without walking in peoples shoes, thus knowing what it feels like. All I can say is, honesty is the best policy… everyone should aim to be honest with themselves first before you proceed to utter anything about your needs or wants to another individual i.e. relationship etc. If you want friendship, stick to friendship no sex or kissing, no awkwardness, avoid any form of alluring scenes… simples.. not rocket science.

    b) If it is friends with benefit then your choice and the partners

    c) If it is a relationship you both want, state your mind and be honest about what you want

    d) if it is nothing, pls let us leave it as nothing

    Life is less complicated if we can figure out what we want and just move on… simples

    Finally, i don’t agree with premarital sex, not just because my faith rejects it but because I am personally convicted that one’s body should be treated with utmost respect as in, why should anyone have the right over your body and do what they like with it???? I don’t get it and i don’t want to get it, whatever the case is, each to their own. It is well..

    http://daughterofherking.wordpress.com/

  29. Es Tee

    April 8, 2011 at 2:28 am

    How about NOT just having sex with a friend, simples!!! Abstinence is the way forward… till you’ve been legally joined together.
    I know some people will start going on about how it’s the 21st century and all…. may the Lord help us all. Just my 2cents. 🙂

    • Mex

      April 8, 2011 at 2:12 pm

      Whenever someone tells me it is the 21st centuary and every one is doing such and such, I ask them if they are doing coke, having gay sex, sleeping with trannies and having menage a quatre everyday. If they say no, I tell them to hug transformer because they haven’t joined the 21st century yet. Just because others are doing it doesn’t mean you should. Whatever happened to moral integrity? People wonder why Nigeria is heading south, but they fail to realize that most Nigerians have left God in favor of western culture and ideals. Sex is overrated if it is done outside marriage.

    • Sephora

      April 8, 2011 at 8:07 pm

      MEX!!! If I ever see you, I’m going to put you on my shoulder and carry you around Abj, Lag & NYC proclaiming your good sense. People seem to have forgotten that sex was made to be enjoyed within the context and boundaries of marriage. All this talk about how to handle the morning after, how many morning afters will one have before they realize that there is no good way to handle it. What happened to SELF CONTROL? and WAITING? and HORSE BEFORE THE CARRIAGE? or RAILROAD CAR BEFORE THE CABOOSE?

    • Es Tee

      April 9, 2011 at 12:42 am

      LOL. Tell me about it, Mex. Sex is definitely overrated, and can only be justified and appreciated for what it is, when done within the walls of holy matrimony. Celibacy till marriage is NOT easy, but it’s possible. Our society needs to stop dignifying sex outside marriage, like it’s the coolest thing since sliced bread. When you are still a virgin in your 20’s or worse older, people start asking you if you are cursed. Ignorance sha! May God help us all.
      N.B : No one’s claiming to be a saint here…we all need His grace to sustain us.

    • Czebs

      April 9, 2011 at 9:55 am

      was just about to say same. the writer of this article probably feels like he is sooo on point and trendy…yeah right tell that to the HIV statistics and unwanted pregnancy numbesr and befuddled confused people. If u have a Morning after its cos u were in the wrong place to start with NO begins a long time before the bottle of wine was popped we sound like we are animals without the power of choice please call me unrealistic or old fashioned or even local i go answer but morning after no thanks

  30. Lovinit

    April 8, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Gud Write up…Morning After Awkwardness. Never experienced it per se.

  31. Jelly

    April 8, 2011 at 10:12 am

    @Party-tricks….. lol .. thanks bro those tips will come handy 🙂 (Thumbs up)

  32. Yasmin

    April 8, 2011 at 11:23 am

    this song just puts me in a different mood all together. i can so relate to it………

  33. GGGEEEEE

    April 8, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    I like the write-up!ended well except for the last line…’ And it is not just about talking; both parties must use the right words and try to properly frame their feelings and new expectations, if any. This will most probably ensure that people like Tony and Ada, enjoy many more happy “morning afters”………pls how do you mean ‘enjoy many mor morning afters’?honestly,i think the first one was a slip and their cant be more enjoyments if expectations are not met and one is being used at the expense of the other!!!

  34. __Swiss

    April 8, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Ok. Why do men (and women) think that only women are on the receiving end where one night stands are concerned?

    • Nene

      April 8, 2011 at 3:41 pm

      Cos it boosts the guy’s resume now and diminishes the girl’s own, lol.

    • partyrider

      April 9, 2011 at 1:45 am

      LMAO

  35. Fifi

    April 8, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    my head is running wild wiv all these comments….happened with me& a friend and couldnt just understand it,esp his silence.
    well moved on and then a year later,i get a call are you in abj?who is this,he says his name…
    i keep quiet and say why,thot he saw someone that looked like me and wanted 2 walk over blah blah…well told him 2 go f- himself i dont keep s-heads as friends….he was weak.
    i realised from morning afters,some guys think they then have your mumu button becuz they now that u desperate 2 (legalize) the act. abeg! abeg! babes,he wnt be ur friend if u didnt see smthng u connected wiv.so u already attracted 2 him,you already now where its going,y lie 2 urself and then let one guy think he’s all that?
    its a man’s world, so we babes shld think with our HEADS alwaz…

    • O_O

      April 8, 2011 at 5:01 pm

      babe, if you actually said that to him, you got a big hug from me, thats more like it ! men..men..men..thats all babes complain about,some chics create their own problems..period ! How can you be attracted to a man and think that sex would do all the works and get him nailed !?! Same with men,having sex with a chic you fancy that doesn’t fancy you back wouldn’t change nothing.

      But from what I have seen,everyone seems to know this, but most women still go ahead anyway, then come back complaining like crazy.

      Not to brag and being very truthful, I have never being heart broken becos I am extremely careful, my friends hate when I do that with guys, but thats just me, I dn’t fly into things.

      Some chics here were complaining from ‘morning afters’ after a one night stand??!! Like common now ! was he suppose to propose to you in the morning!?! I mean who meets a guy today & sleeps with him at night & expects commitment in the morning !?! DUUUH ! ! !

    • xynix

      April 11, 2011 at 3:29 pm

      ROLLING-AROUND-IN-MY-CHAIR-LAUGHING-MY-HEAD-OFF!!!!!!

  36. akudo

    April 8, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    morning after awkwardness. i experienced it and it leaves a bad taste in d mouth. but d best thing is maturity to handle the situation when it happens………..

  37. busola

    April 8, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    This is why I keep saying Sex complicates things. The moment you start having sex before marriage, you are bound to have awkward ‘mornings’ after… The problem with we human beings is that we always think we can outsmart God. There is a reason why God said fornication is a sin and the marital bed should be undefiled. In addition, most people tend to ignore the soul-ties that come with having sex.. To make our lives less complicated and hurt-free, let’s save sex for marriage just as God commanded!

    • Sephora

      April 8, 2011 at 8:16 pm

      True talk, if I ever heard one!! So simple: “let’s save sex for marriage just as God commanded!” Yet people choose to complicate their lives and then run around looking for simple fixes. The only way to deal with the morning after: forgive yourself, ask God to forgive you, move on, resolve never to do it again, wait, wait (very hard cos everyone else is doing it), wait (he’s putting too much pressure on you), wait (are you ever going to get married), wait (because God rewards obedience), get married and then enjoy, enjoy, enjoy sex the way God made it to be… phew that was hard!

  38. Uchechi

    April 8, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Lol @ comments…

  39. amazing

    April 8, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    Wow soooo many comments, well all I wld say is dat I agree wiv d person dat quoted d scripture 1cornth 6:18, nonetheless I’m not one to judge so even if such has hapnd b4 I wld advice u repent nd try and abstain especially for dose of us dat ve had bad experiences. And communication is also very key in dese kind of situations esp for d women bcos we r d emotional ones, d guys dnt call bck most times not bcos dey dnt want to smtimes but dey dnt c d reason y dey shld.

  40. really?

    April 9, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    I am glad to see that there is still some sanity left in Nigeria. In todays world, we act like sex outside any sorta commitment is so normal and comfortable and most of the time it really isn’t! as with most problems the solution is obvious. STOP! lol

    no but seriously tho instead of trying to analyse the morning after, we should be more focused on why and how we created a situation for this so called morning after to take place and how we can avoid it in future. Lets go back to how it was sopposed to be i.e. sex within the confindes of marriage or an already established relationship (for our ’21st century’ folk *wink*)

  41. xynix

    April 11, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Just glad to have an article with a hundred replies and no “First to comment”!!!!! 🙂

  42. Gbemi

    April 11, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    I know some couples who abstained from sex until after marriage and had issues.
    1 marriage actually broke up because the dude refused to touch his wife.
    The other ones almost broke up cos one of them was a prude and so on
    Yes, we should abstain but what if the person you marry cant please and refuses to make the effort to do so?
    Its difficult to go to your pastor/inlaw and say “My wife/husband doesnt know how to please me ”

    Im not endorsing promiscuity or fornication

  43. Oby

    April 12, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    no sex till marriage is the Key!

  44. livy

    April 14, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Most of us may have had the experience to teach us a lesson. It doesn’t matter the music that the21st century is ringing in our ears, we need to stand for what’s right. The 21st century can’t tamper or change God’s word. God wants to protect our hearts by asking us to abstain and hey He hasn’t commanded only the women to abstain while the men can go about being controlled by their genitals. THE BED UNDEFILLED period!!!! there is a blessing that’s always attached to obedience ie HAPPY and FULFILLING married life

  45. anitttta

    April 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

    lmao at all the comments!!
    Oya o! let us all wait till we marry biko. God help us all.

  46. WaleAdeniji

    April 22, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    I think i enjoyed reading all the comments even more than the write-up. Hun!!! For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. That’s what the bible says. Much as i do not subscibe to fornication, but how many of us in a group of 50 people could actually raise up his/her hands never to have fornicate one way or the other? It takes the grace of God with all the temptations around you to actually zip up till you’re married. I pity woman the most because of treatment they receive in the hands of guys. The best a woman can do is to abstain until she’s married so that she would’nt have to experience many “morning afters”. If you couldn’t abstain however, be sure you playu the game according to the rules because women are always at the receiving end.

  47. hippocampus

    May 7, 2011 at 1:49 am

    lovely comments….there isnt any need 4 mormings after except the morning after ur vows and dat wld b bliss especially wen u [email protected] pple learn stuff, how many chiks will be tested b4 u finally settle 4 one who ‘pleases’. Abstinence is and sex was meant for marriage and not even “an already relationship”-marriage or nothing!!!

  48. Unchangeable Word

    May 17, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    I can not help but laugh at most of the comments, its funny how we have become comfortable with things that are not write. The writer had even written this because he knows he will have followers, should we not be writing things that would help people live right and not the other way round. My prayer is that gifts would be used the right way. Yes we have all sinned and come short, does not mean we should continue and take God’s grace for granted. Sex b4 marriage is a no no, and if you have or are doing it, it is possible to stop it. And for the person that said people have abstained and it has not worked please direct the person to Roman 8;28 as long as they listened to God when choosing that spouse, i believe EVERYTHING (including sex life in marriage)works together for good, for them that LOVE God.

  49. Unchangeable Word

    May 17, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    I can not help but laugh at most of the comments, its funny how we have become comfortable with things that are not right. The writer had even written this because he knows he will have followers. should we not be writing things that would help people live right and not the other way round. My prayer is that gifts would be used the right way. Yes we have all sinned and come short, does not mean we should continue and take God’s grace for granted. Sex b4 marriage is a no no, and if you have or are doing it, it is possible to stop it. And for the person that said people have abstained and it has not worked please direct the person to Roman 8;28 as long as they listened to God when choosing that spouse, i believe EVERYTHING (including sex life in marriage)works together for good, for them that LOVE God.

  50. Amy

    May 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    @Mex lik ur comments, dere should be some atom of self control in us. Ladies be wise, sex is worth waitin for. Dont allow any man 2 rubbish ur self esteem all in d name of selfish “love”

  51. kikitanzy

    May 23, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    well let me just add my two kobo first of all been in this situation it sucked big time why because the moron[thats how i prefer to call him these days]. refused to talk bout it it was like i was making a mountain out of a molehill no i wasnt asking were the relationship was headed i was so okay being his friend.then it got worse he was hitting on my friend i when i confronted him drama drama drama. he became my enemy should i add that he deleted my number asked me not to call him ever.it depends on whom the person is coz my best friend is a guy and we have almost been there[yea i know] we dint have sex but we did d do. and we are still friends.we spoke about it not immediately tho it took sometime and we choose to remain friends and years after we are still good friends.and lessons learnt are pls stay away from friends that stuff is messy and yes we are humans we are not animals so lets try to keep ourselves my last word is if you truly love a guy dont sleep with him seriously.

  52. Lara

    June 17, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    I cant just stop laughing but have to say something, all the comments are well understood, also, @ party – tricks, I agreed with you and have to thank you for the insights you gave on this topic also to those that said something about maturity in dealing with morning after too.
    It depends on your level of maturity in dealing with the issue, both parties have already go beyond their boundary right, that’s not the end of the life, life still goes on, this happened to a friend of mine about four years ago, the guy kept silence for a week but later called, they met and talked the issue out between themselves, they continued going out as usual, and exactly one and halve year, they got married. That was based on their level of understanding and maturity.
    To those who are saying that NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE OR ABSTAINESS, who is a saint, can anyone of you prove it, especially the guys, what about the desire/feelings to have sex. Who is a numb? Who is a virgin? Am not criticizing being a virgin, if you are, that’s good, wish you luck, don’t just lead us to where there is no road. I knew some men of God who are not practicing their teaching, they will be teaching “Let the bed be undefiled” “Stay away from premarital sex” “Your body is the temple of God, keep it holy” wait till your wedding day” but do you know what; their wives gave birth six months after their wedding. What do you have to say to that? Am not judging them, but only heaven know who will be saved.
    Let us face the reality, let call a spade a spade and nothing more. Am not saying fornication is good, we are not the same, and some people can do without sex while some cannot.
    To those who had experienced this, don’t be on the losing side, ladies, relax, cheer up, move on with your life, if the guy did not call you, try to call the guy and let the friendship continue, there are more to benefits from friendship. Same to the guys too
    Also, if this has not happened to you, be grateful to God, I pray it won’t, but if eventually you fall into it: just move on with you life, Life is beautiful, don’t let any man kill the real you.

  53. pinkus

    June 21, 2011 at 1:34 am

    While I do not agree with all that was said; I have to admit that it was beautifully written.

    In a way it is the story of my (past) life. Probably not the “morning after” but the fact that you sleep with a (good) friend and then ask yourself “What next?”. I won’t attempt to answer why having-just-slept-with-a-friend generally feels awkward, but I will share why it was awkward for ME.

    1. Feeling of betrayal: When you have known a certain person for a while and have bounded emotionally, you consider the person “special”.. perhaps, too special to be played with (even if that player was You). It’s like reading a dirty novel just to find out YOU were the protagonist (i.e. Samuel telling Saul off- Bathsheba lol). In that scenario you are victim, offender, culprit etc all at once. It is just too much to deal with..

    2. Feelings of guilt and shame: You should have known better! You are disappointed in yourself AND the other person. You shouldn’t have crossed the line; and he should have known better than too as well..

    3. Fear of looking “cheap”. Now that you have done “it”.. will he see you differently? There is always the worry your friend might have lost respect for you now that he has “seen you finish”. It is the fear of not being able to look him in the eyes anymore, uncertain of what he might be thinking of you now..

    4. The fear of appearing either “desperate” or “bitchy”: We girls sure analyze more than is healthy. If we act all normal and as though nothing ever happened, there is the concern he might think this is just how we are; it was certainly not our first one-night-stand, we are really and truely cheap. On the other hand, should be show a bit more affection and care, there is the fear we might appear desperate and wanting a serious committed relationship.

    Bottom-line is, in MY case, that things never remained the same. Either the guy really enjoyed it and wanted to continue having fun (whether it be a serious, open or “mutually beneficial” relationship) or I simply could not bring myself to trusting and respecting him (or myself in his presence) anymore. To be honest, to 99% did i also loose the respect in/for such a friendship.. When my good male friend tells me about the numerous girls he has screwed, and then ends up screwing me (yes, yes, we both “agreed” to it) it obviously follows that I am one of the girls he screwed lol. It really is a very simple equation.. a phone call, text message or a TV programme, will neither undo nor “pacify” that fact.
    Hoping such an occurrence could be the foundation of a solid and long-lasting relationship is folly too, as you would not be able to really trust such a partner in the long run. If he can sleep with his best friend, what makes you think he will not sleep with someone that means less to him? Same goes the other way round: What would stop You (Me) from doing the same…?

  54. Shona

    October 17, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    This happened with me three weeks ago and it’s still bugs me as to how badly the “morning after” was. It was one of my first hook-ups (we didn’t have sex as there was no condom but did everything else and the guy said that we should get together tomorrow or something to do it) and when I woke up in the morning, I was feeling really awkward and self-conscious and just needed to be alone. I randomly woke up, the guy asked me what happened and I said I needed to go to my university and he asked me why and I said I needed to drop off my textbooks from last year at the second hand office to which he said okay call me a cab as well. I called him a cab and after that I started putting on my underwear from beneath the covers because I was soo shy and did not say a word to him apart from “can you pass me my pajamas hanging on the chair please”… we didn’t say a word to each other until we reached the cab where he said “bye” and I said “see you” – no exchanging of numbers or anything. I feel like I kicked the guy out randomly and hurt his ego which is why I think he’s been weird around me ever since. We have several common friends and we have gone clubbing several times since that night but it is still really awkward between us, he doesn’t talk to me at all and we barely even say hi to each other! He has not accepted my Facebook friend request and I sent him a message saying “Hey I need to talk to you, come online” on FB to which he still hasn’t replied. Why is he being like that??

  55. sweery

    September 12, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    LOL, never knew there are this many virgins in Nigeria o, forgive me for asking but who is fucking all these guys before marriage then, since we are all quoting bible passages condemning pre marital sex.I definitely stand for no sex before marriage its the best, it saves you from unnecessary headache and keeps your dignity and self esteem intact.

    However, i feel most us are not saying the truth, God see you o if you dey lie.50% of ladies who commented here are against pre marital sex yet guys get fucked here and there, WHO FUCKS THEM NOW??? Try and practice what you preach babes.

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