Connect with us

News

Nigerian Men “Carrying” Last!

Published

 on

Ok! I feel that I have been unfairly criticised by a section of BellaNaija readers as being chauvinistic and anti-women! Nothing can be further from the truth! Yes, I may have dwelt on issues that affect mostly women, and in my attempt to paint an “ideal” picture I may have run afoul of the feminist code! But truth be told I have ever so often criticised my fellow men when and where they have messed up in their dealings with the opposite sex. My consistent readers will bear me out. I simply love women! Having established that, this article addresses the failings of many Nigerian men! I hope by this I would have conveyed a truth that needs to be told and read.

My brothers you are slacking! Seriously falling my hand! Every other woman I meet has something bad to say about you! Why? I have the “enviable” position of having quite a number of women as friends, three-quarters of which are single and in the age range of 25 to 35. These women are doing quite well in their chosen fields; they are pharmacists, IT professionals, HR consultants, media practitioners, telecoms workers, lawyers, advertising practitioners, finance gurus etc. They are beautiful, smart, sexy and very nice, but more than 90% of them are not in any meaningful relationship. I ask why, and the general response is that the guys are just not serious; meaning that they are not ready for a serious marriage-bound relationship. They only want to (excuse the phrase) “chop and clean mouth”.

I then look at my guy friends and I find that over 90% of them are also single! So I wonder what the heck is going on. I have tried to talk to and psych my friends into marriage or at least a serious relationship but all to no avail. In fact just last Sunday after church, I specifically told two of them that I was tired of talking about Arsenal FC, Manchester United and Champions League football! I told them that I wanted to be able to talk about dirty diapers and sleepless nights, trips to the hospital, what schools our kids are attending and generally gossip about our wives’ overreaction to that innocent text message! We laughed and the very next minute we were back to talking about football. And these guys are doing well, bankers, oil and gas marketers, real estate agents, media practitioners, bankers, telecoms practitioners, etc. So what is the problem I ask again?

Well I think that first, the Nigerian man has very recently discovered certain distractions. Distractions in the form of the English Premier League, Primera Liga et al, PS3, PSP, the X-box and their accompanying video games help them to hold on to a certain level of immaturity and irresponsibility. They relive their childhoods, refusing to grow up to that point where they should drop the control pads and grab the diapers. They are ok just being only responsible for themselves. Yes, a few days in a week taking care of you is better than an everyday affair they reckon. The recession of the last few years has also not helped matters as financial realities stare them in the face. It’s hard enough taking care of themselves, not to talk of a wife and one or two kids. They are not ready to understand that sometimes marriage is a partnership, perhaps because of their previous relationships where they were expected to step up financially.

Another reason is the fact that these men have realised that they can still get married at age 40 or 43! After all there would always be an endless supply of women that they can tap from. Following this line of reasoning, younger women have always made it harder for older women to get married. They come into the market in their prime and beat their older counterparts to the punch. It’s simple Economics of demand and supply! Why would a 28 year old guy get married when he can still get married at 35 to a 25 year old girl? So the older women lose out. Also, the men feel that at 40 they would have the financial resources to marry a wife. This is certainly true of my Ibo brethren! Ibo men have been “told” that they need to become multi-millionaires in order to marry their women. Only one out of a whole lot of Ibo friends I have is married today!

So it appears that the Nigerian single woman is at a disadvantage. So what does she do? She tries to turn things to her own advantage and buries herself in her career and her business, or she continues her education. The number of female PhD holders is on the rise. A friend left his long-time girlfriend here to go do his masters in the UK. He finished and then began his doctorate! Poor girl is still here pining for him. So in order to kill time what does she do?  She does her masters here and has now started her PhD as well. I don’t blame her for let the guy not come and say that she’s not “up to his level” academically tomorrow! So we now have a society where women are becoming increasingly more successful and accomplished than the men. Now does this help matters? No! Why? Because the average Nigerian man can be very self conscious when it appears that his girlfriend or wife to be is more successful than he is! Devotion to career, business or academic pursuit sure has its financial rewards and Nigerian men are not tapping into this. So the women inadvertently raise the bar and the men feel that they are even more justified in waiting until they are more successful for marriage.

It pains me to say this, but the weight of evidence does suggest that Nigerian men can be cowards! They are afraid of strong women so they steer clear of them, preferring to be with the ones they think they can manipulate. To be fair, for some it may be due to a previous relationship that ended badly. But that is not reason enough to chicken out of dating and marriage. Nigerian men need strong women, women that can compliment them and gently whip them into shape, mind you not hard hearted or wicked babes o! Nigerian women also need to put themselves out there and take charge of their relationships employing tactical strategy.

But then again I want to believe that there are still good guys out there. So why aren’t the good single women meeting the nice single guys? Is there a dearth of nice guys? Or aren’t there any left? Besides, some guys argue that the good, nice guys “carry” last.  Is this true or just an urban myth? Now that is a topic for another day.

163 Comments

  1. Niyi

    October 13, 2011 at 10:06 am

    What a pile of hogwash.

    1
    • Onyx

      October 13, 2011 at 1:30 pm

      *Just died laughing*

      I daresay I agree

      1
    • Temi

      October 13, 2011 at 3:17 pm

      LOL!!! It’s extra funny ‘cos you are first

      1
    • madman

      October 13, 2011 at 5:27 pm

      Its not hogwash, its the truth.

      1
    • Enyinna

      October 15, 2011 at 2:49 am

      Tous Chez! Correct nonsense…

      1
    • P.

      October 15, 2011 at 6:14 am

      Word! This whole thing can be summarised in one dismissable sentence -___-

      1
    • mee

      October 15, 2011 at 5:52 pm

      he omitted alot ! hogwash I must say !
      This don’t compensate your mildly lashing out at women in prior articles if that was the plan..lol
      nothing new in this article..
      The problem is the high availability of sex from the single women. period. So guys wanna keep eating around till they purge aka marry !

      1
  2. lizzie..

    October 13, 2011 at 10:11 am

    I love you t.j, the level of immaturity they hold onto is incomprehensible. Nice one….hehehehehe. will comment more later.

    1
  3. Hernandez

    October 13, 2011 at 10:15 am

    The truth of dis blog is clear. Nigerian men need to stand up and plan their lives, so do the women! We are not a planned society nd dis affects everything we do, including relationships and marriage.

    1
  4. moses

    October 13, 2011 at 10:16 am

    IM SINGLE AND ALL THE WOMEN AROUND THESE DAYS WANT BB AND HUMAN HAIR OR TRIP TO DUBIA AND INDIA…. IF UR FATHER CANT AFFORD IT DONT ASK ME TO BUY IT.. SIMPLE!!!!

    1
    • Miss T

      October 13, 2011 at 12:23 pm

      looooooool! I love this comment, although i’m a lady………………the crave for this stupid human hair and bb is apalling. But then again that is what she wants, and she will proly get it after sometime, it might not be from another man or her father oh, she might have worked, earned some good money and treated herself. Hope you won’t now bring up the excuse that she earns more than you oh?

      I don’t belive in going around and asking or begging for money, if I want it i’ll use my own money to do what…………….GET IT simples!

      1
    • ha ha ha

      October 13, 2011 at 3:04 pm

      moses… miss t does not want human hair and bb… go for her…

      1
    • ebi

      October 13, 2011 at 11:39 pm

      Miss T i agree with your comment.

      1
    • Inem

      November 4, 2011 at 8:38 pm

      lwkm….I kinda agree though not all the women, few are still out there who believe such things don’t count in a relationship.

      1
    • duru

      November 10, 2011 at 2:53 pm

      completely agreee with u

      1
  5. Cutie Toxie

    October 13, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Hmmmmmmmm

    1
  6. james macpherson

    October 13, 2011 at 10:28 am

    if u need a good man,am one just email me ,seriously!!!!

    1
    • amber rose

      November 4, 2011 at 10:27 pm

      i need a good man, so seriously

      1
  7. Tope

    October 13, 2011 at 10:30 am

    first..yay…i think???

    1
  8. sassycassie

    October 13, 2011 at 10:36 am

    interesting post.

    1
  9. wini

    October 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

    T.J i need to buy u a beer 4 this article! i am printing this in large copies and givin it to every man i see on the streets. i no fit shout abeg.

    1
  10. Veratracy

    October 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

    female academic achievements is not as a result of loneliness

    1
    • nikky

      October 13, 2011 at 4:09 pm

      i concur

      1
    • partyrider

      October 13, 2011 at 5:21 pm

      very true

      1
    • Ikenna11

      October 13, 2011 at 8:01 pm

      I totally agree with you my dear.

      1
  11. Fiona

    October 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

    From personal experience of Nigerian men I think I agree with some points made in this article. Out of all of the male, Nigerian friends that I have it is only the ones who are over thirty years of age that are looking for a wife. The rest say they are not ready for marriage and therefore will only partake in relationships that don’t involve any serious commitment.
    At the same time many men feel they need to achieve and aquire wealth before they marry so that their wives will be comfortable in the marriage, an opinion which I believe to an extent is also right.
    Pesonally i feel the issue begins with premarital sex. Once men know they can get free milk without buying the cow they will definitely delay marriage plans. I know nobody is perfect but women and men need to try to refrain from sexual immorality, maybe this will help the situation.

    1
    • Twix

      October 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

      I completely agree……..I am a man but i share your view,Women should hold tight to the sanctity of their bodies

      1
    • partyrider

      October 13, 2011 at 5:22 pm

      gbam

      1
    • True

      October 14, 2011 at 1:58 am

      VERY TRUE!!!!! Men can have sex easily these days so marriage is not in the plan.. they dnt even make the effort. And for those girls complaining when every man gets into your pants easily.. you think marriage or hardwork will be on their mind.

      1
    • AJCiti

      October 14, 2011 at 9:18 am

      Sweetie, I think you hit the nail on the head with this one!

      1
    • ruzy

      November 3, 2011 at 3:32 pm

      am a young girl of 22 and by God’s grace i pay my bills and that of my family the good part is that my pants are still up. i was approached by this guy who says he wants a serious relationship, wen i gave him the criteria which was no Sex…… he said……. MY RELIGION DOES NOT ACCEPT THAT………….no be all milk dey for free

      1
    • Doch

      February 12, 2014 at 10:54 am

      Chai our mothers have failed us!! it starts from the home when the brother adresses or talks to his sister anyhow without d parents cautioning him,it starts from when the girl is made to be washing plates while the brother is sleeping,watching tv or has gone to play football instead of assisting the sister.Marriage is not about your personal satisfaction and the intrinsic value you can get from it. Its about your spouse and your family,putting others happiness before your own. If its not women having sex outside of marriage it would be another thing, eg women not being submissive enough, or not cooking ( why would I marry a woman why I can get a housegirl or another woman to cook for free or cheaper) etc. When you put a monetary value on human beings you transform life and love to something that can be described by economic theory. women don’t realize that there is no winning buy enforcing the norms of a patriarch society then we would truly see improvement

      1
  12. ugbaby

    October 13, 2011 at 10:48 am

    hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! so true!

    1
  13. BrownSugah

    October 13, 2011 at 10:55 am

    If they decide to ‘carry last”. Its up to them. As they feel time is forever on their side so they can afford to play with time as they want, they are not yet ready for the business of diaper changing and sleepless nights. What can a woman say but wait till we find that special someone whose life is incomplete until he gets attached to us. Who cannot wait to put that ring on my finger and answer “I do” to the priest till death do us part. It is not too much to ask but then it is not what a man should be blackmailed or coerced into. It is not for the happiness of one rather it is for both so no yawa. Untill then, we will wait for that special man who cannot wait to be joined to us in holy matrimony.
    http:/nitabrownsugah.wordpress.com

    1
  14. hemma

    October 13, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Tj! tell them!

    1
  15. babe

    October 13, 2011 at 11:10 am

    this article has increased my fear. i shall be called to the Nigerian bar in january. Does it mean that when i become a successful lawyer that my chances of getting married would reduce. please God come and help us oo!

    1
    • Cyber, Oko Alhaja

      October 17, 2011 at 9:51 am

      YES

      1
    • jen

      October 17, 2011 at 5:11 pm

      If men r really threatened about your level of success that really show that they are cowards and cannot co-habit with strong women. A woman’s level of education should not make a man shiver, but anyways…this is typical with nigerian men…always scared of loosing their place in the family!!!!SHAME!!!

      1
    • chris

      November 6, 2011 at 5:19 pm

      you cannot ignore the cultural differences between the individual brought up in the western countries and the Nigerian. Orientation matters a lot you must agree;Can you be concerned more about your career than your children and your home in the Nigerian society?
      Come to think of it are you really telling the story as it is? Is the woman conditioned to dominate the man? Is she really prepared for the responsibilities that come with it? If she can take care of the bills including school fees and rent and of course plan for tomorrow why not?
      Approaching a woman who earns more than you do with more degrees is not easy. Can she afford to be humble and submissive to her man?
      These and a lot more have to be answered sincerely by you the woman.

    • Omo

      October 18, 2011 at 2:45 pm

      Lol! babe please relax! You’ll be fine!

  16. MIMI

    October 13, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Tell them o to drop their control pads and carry daipers…they just want to keep living in their childhood!!!!! Great piece!!

  17. Esta.

    October 13, 2011 at 11:11 am

    Wow, first Comment!!!
    Such a Honest and Lovely Write up.
    Keep up the good works TJ.

  18. Wizzy!

    October 13, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Simply put it, wot you want is wot you get! Most single ladies prefer the bad guys to the nice one…yeah am right!

  19. Nke oma

    October 13, 2011 at 11:21 am

    make naija men go siddon dere!!! dem dey look for dere mama or even white women sef. dey pour kata kata inside peaceful arena. anytin’ dem wan do, na dem sabi dere.

    bros, no vex o. as u don write nah, dis wan na my opinion. well done, sha…

  20. sally

    October 13, 2011 at 11:40 am

    True Word

  21. Anon

    October 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

    I did not like this article. He raised too many points and did not adequately offer what his opinion was. What exactly were you trying to point across with this article TJ? That women are improving their careers because they cannot find a man? That men are confortable with their play toys since they can get married anytime? That younger women get all the men leaving older women unmarried? That men feel they need to attain a certain level of financial accomplishment before marrying a wife? That some men are not equipped to deal with a “strong” woman?
    You see all the questions but you have not made any point. Next time, pick a question and stick to it. You tried to kill too many birds with one stone.

    PS: You should have this about “Successful Nigerian Women Carrying Last” because that’s what you implied.

    • Z!

      October 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

      I totally agree with u!

    • jay

      October 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

      Well said! the write-up looked hurried. Too many hypotheses, not enough indepth analysis. I am 31yrs old man and i have friends, married and single. In my humble opinion, the main issue is poor societal morals. Ladies are way too materialistic these days, driving dudes to want to be financially secure first before marrying. But in the world we live in today, financial partnership is what is needed from both spouses. And also i do not subscribe to the fact that younger ladies are preventing the older ones from marrying. If a lady goes into a relationship with a man for 2yrs and he is not already talking about a future for them together why continue to stick with him? Most of the older ladies have, rather sadly, given four, five or even eight yrs of a relationship to nowhere, to some dude during their younger years. While most men are honestly immature, it actually takes two to tango.

    • Anon

      October 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm

      Thank you! 🙂

      I agree with what you said about younger women. I believe every older woman was young at some stage and she made must have made her choice to stay unmarried. What I mean by this is that maybe she feels she is not ready, not meeting the “right” man, waiting to attain some financial independence or whatever. I am not advocating marrying to be married and there is nothing wrong with waiting for the right man even when you feel age is not on your side but what I am saying is that the older woman made a choice and it has nothing to do with younger ladies “taking” all the men.

    • Sassy

      October 13, 2011 at 7:54 pm

      This is an article not a research paper, it suffice in its use of illustrations to build scenarios, their was no ounce of generalization. People get with the program, it is evident you have a school degree, but next time, kindly be open minded when reading an article – watch out for the claim, evidence (illustrations used) and warrants!!!

    • pelugbogbostic

      October 14, 2011 at 6:48 am

      anon, that’s correct. this article is flaunting around too many stereotypes. As in, we’ve all heard these stories before. Tell us something new abeg.
      the author does not offer any recommendations to remedy these situations, other than people should stop carrying last. That is not a solution.

      Or perhaps the author is trying to feign rhetoric. It’s simply not working. Your inferences draw from far and wide without really tackling any one particular issue. Your attempt to remedy your male chauvinistic reputation is clearly not working! 😐

  22. Knight

    October 13, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Lots of Niaja men are ready to settle down TJ. They dont just flash marriage but are usually on the look out for good charater (which is very scarce with ladies lately)… and yes they are vary of most ladies unrealistic request and expectations….

  23. Ify

    October 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

    You have made my day with this piece. Its very true….:-)

  24. Jay

    October 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Naija men get serious wahala jare,a lot seem to be frustrated whether its family or job wahala. Just like to pour d anger on the babes,d current economic situation in Naija hasnt helped matters either and we,the women are guilty too.running helter skelter to churches and all dat. Open ur eyes and see,the jobs are scarce. That man supposed to be married is squattin with one uncle somewhere,how can he raise a family of his own. The bad boy trend is also on the increase,guys just sleepin with almost everywoman they say hi to.We need to zip up and tell to do d rite thing first before getting into d pants

  25. dee

    October 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    @moses – what if my father can afford it?

  26. onyinye

    October 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    lets be honest here, lots of women are very unrealistic, we all want the kind of weddings we see featured on Bella Naija, as in we want some very rich guy, but sometimes it doesnt work that way, some girls are lucky enough to marry into money, but some of us need to partner with the young guy who may not be able to have the fantastic wedding right now, but he has a good head on his shoulders and is ready to work hard, you may need to be the Michelle who would help bring ouut the pesident in Barrack Obama. Ladies sit urself down and think, there is this guy somewhere who loves the very air u breathn but of course u think he is not good enough cos he doesnt drive a bentley, think again, if he adores you, he fears the Lord and he is willing to work his ass off to keep his family going, then wht are you waiting for, i`m not saying that we have to lower our standards, some unnecessary things can actually be cancelled from your list. I heard a girl say, all these small small boys with with their kobo kobo salary saying they want to marry me, can that guy “maintain” me?, but remember you want a place where the grass is greener, the water bills will definitely be a lot higher. Look past the man he is today, and but try and see the man he will be tomorrow of course with your help and love, indirectly we are the ones that make our men think that they have to become millionaires before settling down, after all he has to be able to pay for your brazillian weave and holidays in the Bahamas. Tell me, how many young men would be able to afford that, unless the guy inherited money from his folks or his folks were able to use their influence to get a great job for him, he is into some illegal business, he is just an extremely lucky young man who won a lottery, or he is some really smart nerd who discovered hen`s teeth and got paid. I was guilty of this, the man i will be marrying soon, did not occur to me as my “rich maybach driving, house in VGC living, weekends in Paris, Tyson Beckford look-alike hunk” but he loved me to bits and he’s smart and a hard worker, i had to reconsider my shallow list, when my mum told me something “your daddy did not always have these things, there was a time,all we had was each other, but we loved each other, and our love gave birth to other benefits, if a man loves you, he will work hard to make you comfortable”……i know this isn’t the case for some people, but i know that a lot of girls are waiting for a real prince who lives in a real castle with a billion dollar paycheck. As i said before, Look beyond the man he is now, and see the man you can help him to become. After all Obi will not always be a boy. 😀

    • judd

      October 13, 2011 at 12:57 pm

      I love you!

    • jade

      October 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm

      You are a gem and so you will be treasured! You have said exactly what i have been trying to explain to most girls i know. I was almost guilty of that too until I read Steve Harvey’s book: “Act like a lady, think like a man”. This book “saved’ me!

    • senoritta

      October 13, 2011 at 10:31 pm

      I ve just found the book online….thanks.
      I hope reading it wld be worthwhile though 🙂

    • Written

      October 13, 2011 at 1:40 pm

      I love you.

    • Shina

      October 13, 2011 at 2:09 pm

      of all the replies i’ve read here after this post…this is one true piece…i must commend ur insight…& lastly…i wish u good luck in ur wedding & marriage life…

    • ifeoma

      October 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

      well said. my sentiments exactly. more women should be read this.

    • nikky

      October 13, 2011 at 4:20 pm

      nice one but to scratch out my Tyson Beckford lookalike requirement is goint to be hard LOL

    • Mariaah

      October 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm

      I love this comment 🙂 .. I think Bella Naija should actually post it as an article…
      We all want “the good life” but can’t wait for obi to pass through adolesence, puberty and become a man…

    • nhia

      October 14, 2011 at 12:35 am

      The question is will the man willing to be an obama for a michelle? truth is most of these guys are not confident in themselves to chase a woman higher up than they are

    • Tobes Tiana

      October 15, 2011 at 9:56 pm

      You said it all….I love you and couldn’t have said it any better

    • Cyber, Oko Alhaja

      October 17, 2011 at 10:09 am

      Ya Mama Said “i had to reconsider my shallow list, when my mum told me something “your daddy did not always have these things, there was a time,all we had was each other, but we loved each other, and our love gave birth to other benefits, if a man loves you, he will work hard to make you comfortable”…

      Thank God for ya Mama. I do not know your age, but this wisdom does not come to many women until they are 31/35, by which time they are getting stale on the market tray.

    • Jay

      October 22, 2011 at 3:35 am

      @Onyinye All I can say to you is…………. GREAT job!!! I Love and agree with everything you’ve said!! Couldn’t have said it better myself!!!!

    • Owee

      June 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

      Fantastic piece you’ve got here..Not just because I am a guy but because most ladies these days ought to read this cos they are neck deep in the kind of thinking you stated. I particularly liked the part, “Look beyond the man he is now, and see the man you can help him to become”. I sincerely wished our Nigerian girls would borrow a leaf from that thought and discard their quest to get married just to bear “Mrs” or to marry a “made” man.

  27. Shabazz

    October 13, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    You got it right but I must add the ladies are not helping us, we sure want to settle down but who would want to spend the rest of his days with a mordern day Jezebel, the ladies want us to value them but they want to copy all the ills the western world has to offer and throw away all that’s good about our heritage in the name of being civilized, a man’s pride remains his woman so let’s all change our ways and marriages will flow in abundance.

  28. L

    October 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    One good thing is that it helps maintain a sustainable population, well as long as they haven’t having children out of wedlock. I’m glad women are out there getting a better education and fulfilling their lives in other ways. Shame the society at large is still stuck on the whole marriage thing! As for the xbox etc issue, that problem is global!!

    • Tosin

      October 13, 2011 at 11:24 pm

      Good point. I’m seeing someone who’s clearly not that interested and when I want to be ‘shocked and staggered’ at this discovery, I remember that I’m not that into him either. Nothing wrong with a person having better things to do, even if it’s reaching the next level in a video-game or whatnot. Allow. No hurry in life. (just one opinion o.)

  29. Nons

    October 13, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    nice article u hv dere…i jst hope single ladies btw 25-35 stil get to marry guys who re nt scared to settle down

  30. ephee

    October 13, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    it takes the grace of God to find the right mate.
    i was in a 5yrs relationshiip which ended 2yrs ago.

    i was very loving,caring, obedient,hardworking etc most of what a guy would like in a lady. then he wasnt rely boxed up,was rounding up with school and i was still in school living on 6000 per month allowance but still yet i stiill buy him gifts on sometings i feel he needs. we were always going to RCCG camp together, his family liked me.
    he couldnt get a job b4 and after NYSC but still i kept encouraging him and i loved him still not until….
    God changed his story around by giving him a job that was x4 of his worth was.then he became proud, arrogant,spends excessively on a girl he was running after to date who was two years younger than me and in a private universiity too and from a rich family(i think) , he was telling her that he was having issues alredy in his relationship and its at the berge of breakup alredy(same tin he told me b4 we started dating).each time he is being asked when we were tying the knots he sssays verysoon.

    he stopped picking my calls, shouts at me everytime, ignor my presence, not proud to introduce me to his friends/ colleague as his girlfriend talkless of fiancee but he invites the other girl to his office more often (i neva wen to his office coz he said i was comming to show that i was his girlfriend), but still yet i hoped that he will come back to himself,
    but not until i saw a picture of him and the girl and i questioned him about it which resulted to insults.
    then i finally made up my mind to leave him and move on.(it wasnt easy coz i was reely hartbroken).
    wen we broke up he was 34yrs and i was 24yrs

    presently nowam 26yrs,happy and independently single with God always on my side.

    am still hoping that soon i will get my own REAL man that will treat me better and appriciate me more than av ever experienced.

    wealth, fame or power in a man is not what matters but the gentle heart that lies within.

    • sba

      October 13, 2011 at 3:50 pm

      hi ephee, i total feel u something similar happened to me,and i know what u must have gone thru,u will find love again and in a place where u least expect it.
      Keep praying and enjoy ur single life while u still have it.

    • Tosin

      October 13, 2011 at 11:54 pm

      eeyaa. I’m feeling your pain, especially after 5 years. Try and enjoy more in the next one 😉 These relationship matters, they take some shining of eye…

    • Cyber, Oko Alhaja

      October 17, 2011 at 10:13 am

      I know it is easy to say, but for a lady once you get into your mid twenties, it is foolish to be in a 5 year relationship not going anywhere? By the time you have spent two years with a man and he is not talking about meeting your parents or you find certain traits you cannot abide, you did not chop him off and move on, to make space for more serious people. So honestly, it is your fault, a 5 year relationship, and am sure the guy was getting the whole works too?

  31. letmetalk

    October 13, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    shabazz, lol @ marriage will flow in abundance.
    the men should learn to drop their ego – be down to earth and smart enough to be ontop of every situation speaks volume. The women too should face reality – they can do with/without the BB & brazilian wigs! life as a wife/mother can be interesting and challenging. marriage itself is a ‘course’ which u must not fail!

  32. Orhie

    October 13, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Maybe they don’t want to talk about dirty diapers or formula or primary schools. Maybe they’re not thinking about getting married yet. Maybe, they just want to enjoy their time as single people before they get bogged down with bills, smelly diapers, children screaming in the middle of the night, a nagging spouse, sex with the same person for the rest of their lives and all the other stuff that comes with being married. Maybe they’re not ready, maybe they’re scared, maybe they just don’t give a s**t! Marriage isn’t about being too old or on the shelf. it’s about being ready and willing to make that lifetime commitment. They don’t HAVE to be married because everyone else is married. Neither do they HAVE to be married because they’re pushing 30. And maybe your women friends are scaring them away. When a girl and a guy get together and the girl’s desperation to get married is dripping off of her on the 1st date, OF COURSE he’s going to run a mile!! Finally, maybe they’re late bloomers and want to experience the world of dating before being exiled to the marital wasteland. Stop pressuring your friends, Tejiri. Unclench.

    • nikky

      October 13, 2011 at 4:36 pm

      seriously you don’t sound like someone that gives a rats ass about marriage… “exiled to the marital waste land”. its cool if u don’t like marriage but in naija things like dat sounds like an abomination. i have a friend who does not want to get married n her mother keeps giving her d no daughter of mine speech. Society still has a strong hold on issues of staying single.

  33. onyinye

    October 13, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Ephee, i feel for you, and i thank God for you too, the Lord saved you from what would have been a painful union, just keep praying, the man from whose ribs you were formed is on his way, and he will love you unconditionally,

  34. Lue

    October 13, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    ephee, the lord is ur muscle dear…….im sure he will regret his actions. just keep doing you, the right guy is on the way
    but guys sha………….may God help us
    http://jideodukoya.com/blog/

  35. Bella

    October 13, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Amen Sister!!!!!

  36. az

    October 13, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    May be if the Nigerian society did not place too much emphasis on marriage things would change.
    Question to T.J is marriage for everyone??

  37. onyinye

    October 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Thanks Shina, appreciate ur good wishes

  38. dami O

    October 13, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    to be honest am so tired of hearing Nigeria women this and Nigeria men that.. yesterday news tell me something new oo . like my mum says what you are today will not be what you are tomorrow and am sure we all know that not all that glitters is gold so enough of this record being replayed again and again thanks!!!

  39. ephee

    October 13, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    @ Bella and Onyinye: Tanks sweetharts. God bless u. xoxo

  40. Gee

    October 13, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    I know one certain Onyinye but she ain’t the above poster. I hereby declare Onyinye above Naija’s Number 1 Sweetheart! God bless your marriage when it happens Amen.

  41. Glaba

    October 13, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    “Whip into shape??” really?I daresay a person who does not want to be manipulated,but wants to ‘whip’ their partner ‘into shape’ is a tad confused…by the way,compromise is a virtue, Xbox has 4 controller ports.lets play the game today,and then do what you want tomorrow.

  42. onyinye

    October 13, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    aww, thank you, Gee, funny enough Gee is my younger brother`s nickname, so much for coincidences, wish you all the best.

  43. Gee

    October 13, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Nothing goes for Nothing! Nothing ever will!!
    Ladies want everything on tv, everything unreal, Everything western. Their dreams never materializing, ever remaining in cyber space. So what do they get? TV Princes, Fairy dreams and western phenomena – Drop in marriage rates, Increase in divorce rates. They mostly wanna be someone else other than themselves with all the human hair but most men want REAL WOMEN! (who are true to themselves). On the contrary to the article, men are not scared of women upgrading. Men love upgraded successful women but despise women who don’t upgrade their character alongside their career.
    Yes, most guys want to be successful b4 marriage and that’s not about the x-box! More about the chatter box that can send him to an early grave, those chatter boxes that barely see beyond their noses I’d say. Yes, there are the chop clean mouth jerks out there but then they are only aided by the ‘Come chop’ pure water out there. If only the ladies knew that the purpose of dating is to discern marriage they would learn to check their dates. Besides why do good girls like and wanna be like Bad guys?

  44. This Guy no try . . .

    October 13, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    A. Must Men get married simply ‘cos Women their age are single? That is plain silly.

    B. If Men are gettting married in their 30s, doesn’t it make sense for searching Women to look for men in their 30s???

    C. What’s this fuss about Xbox etal – what – thats a crime too? I’ve got friends who are married and still got their X-boxes. Do we stop women from having their own hobbies

    D. If Men are not ready to get married, they are immature? I would rather say any one getting married but does not feel he is ready is the immature one – think of all the damage they are gonna cause. Would you rather he still keeep his bachelor ways while he is married to these women?

    E. With the number of weddings I see every week-end, I doubt marriages are on the lull – maybe amongst your female friends – but certainly not amongst the general populace

    F. When Women talk about not wanting to just pop into marriage and enjoying their singleness and stuff, I hear a lot of amens; when we Men ask for similar priviledges, one of our own goes on to write this crap . . .

    G. Women want tall, dark, handsome, smart, decent, witty, rich e.t.c. Men by contrast only ask for smart and decent – what if these Women are not exactly in large supply?

    H. If we spend our youth buying brazillian hair and LV bags, how we go take build house?

    I. If we are gonna be the main bread-winners, we cant just jump into marriage and fund the whole shebang with hope (na food for belle?). Forget all that “I’m gonna support him talk” – the Guys wey try am yesterday na nagging dey kill them today + their rich neighbours are probably humping their wives (prolly for Brazillian hair, Bb e.t.c).

    J. Oh, minus having offsprings, what are the benefits for we men? We provide finance, security and offspring . . .

    K. Lastly, I believe the Writer is simply trying to get “kpekus” from all these co-signing chics ‘cos its hard to imagine a fellow non-cat-whipped Dude would actually sit to write this and not press “delete” when he reads his hand-work.

    • tatafo

      October 13, 2011 at 10:48 pm

      I agree with your last point especially. TJ you no try at all. You sef encouraging your friends that you want to change to diaper talk instead of football talk are you engaged or married?

      All you men complaining about women rocking brazillian weave, will you date women that don’t rock brazillian weave? It’s the principle of demand & supply, most women are doing what they see worked for Amaka to attract suitors.

  45. chinny

    October 13, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Good point Onyinye – women are equally guilty of having unrealistic expectations. I remember when I firt met my current boyfriend – he was earning about $20K less than I was. It was a good job with a top company but because I had an MBA, I was earning higher. Fast-forward 2 years and he is earning about $15K more than I am. It has nothing to do with money but I remember a friend telling me when I first started going out with him that she would never date a guy who was earning less than she was! I obviously didnt listen to her.
    We have to fall in-love with the person and not their wealth/achievements etc. We are still dating – and enjoying every minute of it. I am not in a rush to get married and neither is he. We need to chill sometimes and enjoy the dating process instead of always expecting marriage proposals after a couple of months!

  46. ENIOLA

    October 13, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    the truth be told,… in partial agreement with your ideaology etc but the one good reason men are not really getting is because the level of vanity, insanity and promiscity that exist now leaves so many with doubt. half the girls you refer to have tatoos on very exciting spots making them good sport for men and nothing more. Take it from here… you introduce a girl to your mum and when she takes a peep, all she see is an artwork.. believe me, every young man.. comfortable or not wants to get married but to who… the ones you refer to as sane and good or independent pose a ready ego challenge, and even when you drop the ego and go into it, it becomes a contest… it really takes a lot of things.. not as simple as we see it.

    Nice work though.. keep the ink running and the keys clicking

  47. Jess

    October 13, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Sooo the reason Nigerian women are getting better educated is because they can’t find good men to marry? I mean they can’t possibly want to be well educated yea? Cool.

  48. Gee

    October 13, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    This guy no try up there You 2 try! Hmmmn Chinny The purpose of dating is to discern marriage. If u ain’t doing that you’re not dating!

  49. looters

    October 13, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    we can only blame so many things on everything. play your part, leave the rest to God. What will be will be

  50. Gidi

    October 13, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Onyinye, i am loving you too.
    May your light never fade!!
    I married your type and my life is richer for it.

    • partyrider

      October 13, 2011 at 5:32 pm

      awww. 😀

  51. madman

    October 13, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    This is a lovely and WELL WRITTEN article — kudos to T.J, Nigerian men know that they live in an extremely sexist society and will try to take advantage of women at any cost —- but you see, karma is soo real. T.J. may God continue to butter your bread. They think they’re players but they are indeed carrying LAST.

  52. shonnywilliam

    October 13, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    I KNW wen GOD say it my time den it my time no need 4jumping or shouting…i no go carry last 4my family,my destined wife will find me and i will find her!,…..this guy sud take d lead by saying d “I DO’s”…..please let him take chair_/_/_/_/_/.

  53. cathy

    October 13, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    nice one karo

  54. missme

    October 13, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    ANOTHER woman must find man article?!! Im soooo sure we Africans have bigger problems to deal with other than marraige!! BN for the love of God you have the opportunity to reach millions of readers every month, please focus more on the other social issues that we face everyday!

  55. ufedo

    October 13, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    AS Much as i love you TJ and i love all your posts on bellanaija, i will have to agree with Anony on this one, your opinions were not well put forward, it looked a bit lke you werent willing to be critisized as some have done on this site hence you refrained from taking a stand on any of the issues you raised.

    This post is reminiscent of another i read recently on the ‘dearth of men and the rise of women,’ and also another on the declining age at which asian women get married these days, if you combine both, it will be seen that, your above sited ‘problem’ doesnt lie with nigerian men alone but men all over the world. As much as we would like to stereotype and say this is the reason why this is happening, it is never that simple, hence the dissenting voices. I, for one, am a young woman of 25, have been meeting with suitors, nice decent young men well below 30 willing to marry, but my concern is i feel they are a bit too young tosettle down, they still play their video games and watch manutd whilst able to hold mature conversations and act maturely overall, so what am i saying? Nigerian men or men in general, have not refused to get married, too much emphasis have just been put on the institution of marriage hence we try to find excuses why it isnt happening as fast as we deem it right to, this then begs the question, when is the right time to get married, if ever? it is a never ending discussion, but kudos TJ for trying.

  56. Mary007

    October 13, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Best write up in a long long time

    • madman

      October 13, 2011 at 7:53 pm

      well said Mary. Its awesome kudos coming from a guy’s perspective as well.

  57. Akpeno

    October 13, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    As a woman who got married at an “older” age…. my advise is wait! Wait and find yourself! Man or Woman! Marriage is not an easy thing at all!
    There are so many expectations…

    For a Man it’s being the “Man” of the house taking care of business making sure all the “Ducks are in a row”
    For a Woman it’s being “Submissive”…..
    My dears! E hard no be small! Especially when both of you know who you are and where you stand in life!…. I know this is where some people will jump in and say Love nko?…. Well my dears Love is NOT ENOUGH! Sure e dey sweet but in the end when the problems of the world come… Bills, children schools hospitals…. what will fix these problems?…Love? Nope! Not even close.

    After all this rambling what am I am saying? I’m saying… there is no rush Marriage will come if you do what’s right. Whether it comes at 25 or 35…. for those that do it right it will come.

    In the meantime while you wait enrich your life: get that degree, get that good job, take that holiday, Buy that BB or Brazilian weave! 😉 Do it all but do it wisely… no go sleep with another woman husband to get am o ‘cause Karma is a bitch! Do it yourself… the way things are these days the sky is the limit for Men and Women.

    This na my 2kobo! 😉

    • madman

      October 13, 2011 at 7:55 pm

      well said Akpeno — we all know how Nigerian women love to look down on women who wait “too long” to get married. It takes a strong woman to patiently wait for her Mr. right. God will help us all.

  58. adadadi

    October 13, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    In all we have gone round and round saying the same ol things. Smh

  59. kemi

    October 13, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    The person who wrote this article clearly missed the point and didn’t go into much detail about what is hindering the Nigerian women from getting married.

    Please allow me to explain something clearly, today’s typical Nigerian woman is living in some dream world about her perfect man. I tell you society has a part to play with this. Websites like Bella Naija tend to create the false pretends that our marriages and weddings have to be big and when the man can’t live up to that expectation, the ladies simply say no.

    Most Nigerian women want the flashy things as well, big weaves, Indian hair, all the latest shoes and bag, blackberry phones and nice cars. They rather date a sugar daddy than be with a humble guy with not a lot of money.

    Also, our Nigerian guys still have a long way to go before they finally settle down. When a guy straight after college is struggling to find a reasonable job and you want him to go and marry, he still lives with his aunt or uncle. How can he maintain another chick when he hasn’t even taken care of his own self.

    I can say again, no be by force to get married. Marriage is hardwork, we still got a lot of life to live and people when they ain’t married feel as if their life is over. Abeg, enjoy the time and make something of yourself, marriage will come. I tell everyone this because those girls that hurried to get married and are stranded with kids , they are also wishing they had their single life back. It’s much fun when you have freedom to work, make a career and enjoy your life without the worries of inlaws and marriage pain.

    Also our Nigerian government has a part to play in this problem, if our society could afford every decent Nigerian that loves to work hard with a job and just the little things people abroad take for granted like light, water, food, shopping malls and cars. I don’t see why girls will be doing anything to date a rich guy that would provide them such comfort in life when the ladies abroad are enjoying all this stuff at the tip of their phones.

    Nigeria has a problem, we need help. It’s not a guy or lady problem, it’s our society that has shaped our minds into marrying only the rich folks. Nigeria need help.

  60. kemi

    October 13, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    sorry guys I typed a page, lol

  61. Somebody...

    October 13, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    Interesting article, makes a lot of sense but I just have a few questions.

    T.J, u’re a guy, you’re single too (I assume) and you have loads of single female friends around you, why havent you married one of them yet?

  62. Uju G

    October 13, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    This article get as e be … words/sentences are just off and everywhere .. too much theory with no evidence base .. seems like the author is trying to gain support from female readers after being bashed for his previous article(s). I do not believe your life “ends” after marriage … when 24hrs of your life becomes all about your family, you will tend to loose yourself in the process which you will turn out to hate …that being said, playing games DO NOT equate to immaturity; even while married you need to integrate things that will help manage your sanity .. if playing game does it for you then go for it .. are you T.J married??? if yes, for how long?? I bet you know its no child’s play – ask the people who are in it, if you are not married .. age doesn’t determine readiness to get married or even the maturity required to stay married .. Sorry to state that there is too may wrongs in this article .. i am just gonna stop analysing .. to the author: please get your facts right next time, and don’t try to please anyone with your article, just say it as it is 🙂

  63. Babe

    October 13, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    As much as I feel this marriage issue is overflogged, I believe many ladies are simply immature! your worth is not defined by the brazillian hair you fix or the model of bb fone you use! I cant bliv pple still say things like that. Also, many men are not sure of what they want…you want very good bad girls (that sexy girl you can show off to ur friends i.e girl friend and at the same time a virtuous woman i.e wife material); which rarely happens. Both men and women alike need to set their priorities straight! You cannot eat your cake and have it…

  64. iTawa

    October 13, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    “Love is like a virus, it can happen to anybody at anytime” – Maya Angelou

  65. Uchechi

    October 14, 2011 at 12:18 am

    Marriage is a state of mind…!

  66. i cant...

    October 14, 2011 at 12:53 am

    s marriage by force??? No really people, is this all we are worth????
    Men: ‘women want brazilian hair/ they’re desperate etc’
    Women: ‘Men cheat/ they want younger women/they dont like strong successful women’

    Biko please if you have come to these conclusions, maka why must you marry???What is the big deal… Like i always say, marriage is not a destination o… use your brain cels to think of other beneficial things..

    i just cant understand this Nigerian obsession with marriage… is that all there is to life???
    I cant….

  67. Team Women!!

    October 14, 2011 at 1:10 am

    Excuse me, did someone say ‘men’? ‘Overgrown babies’ is more like it. If you are not well educated, you are not up to their standards. If you are very well educated, you are above them. Mtchheww. *Huge Yawn*. When I saw the caption, I thought I would see something about the increased rate of the so called man’s dependence on the woman as the bread winner, not insinuations that women further their education not because they actually want to but because they are waiting for Men to marry them. Typical assumptions from men with Ego’s as big as mount everest who think all things revolve around them. T.J, I actually didnt believe you were going to redeem yourself, but I decided to give you the benefit of doubt. Then after the first few sentences, you went back to your normal self by implying that men are within their rights to want somethings while women should remain stagnant so that the so called man would not feel threatened by her success and marry her. Its people like you that do not support female education and women occupying high positions in the society. It might interest you to know (as am not sure you do) that just like men, womemn have dreams and drives and not just to get married, make babies and ensure the sun rises and sets on your face. * That said, am moving on already*. Now going back to my books, and just so you know, am doing it for no man!!

  68. *ajalahtravel*

    October 14, 2011 at 1:25 am

    another yarn about marriage. instead of us to dey yarn of how to organise meet-ups that focus in ways we can effect little changes in our society we talk about how to over-populate an already over-populated society.

  69. lady fierce

    October 14, 2011 at 3:03 am

    I agree with you my dear. T.j, the title of this article changed after the third paragraph. After that, you started writing about women carrying last. Baes on what I read, I reached the following conclusions:
    1. You are in support of early marriage for women and you feel that as a woman get’s older, she has less hope of getting married.
    2. You see women as lesser human beings that must try as much as possible to please the men which you see as gods
    3. You actually do not see the need for men to marry early as they would be able to play the field and still marry early.
    4. You are against female education. This is based on your comments here and your previous article where you stated that your sister didn’t know how to put on a generating set even though she is a master’s degree holder.
    5. It is ok for men to behave like babies and play xbox and the rest while it is a criminal act for a woman not to be able to put on a gen set as u stated in ur last article.
    6. You wrote and I quote ‘So we now have a society where women are becoming increasingly more successful and accomplished than the men. Now does this help matters? No!’. Therefore, women should not empower themselves, yet you complain that ladies expect men to support them financially. You cannot eat your cake and have it. Its either you marry an educated career woman who would be able to buy those for herself or be ready to meet ur responsibilities.
    7. Your name sounds like an igbo name or atleast south east so I assume that by saying igbo guys are expected to marry last, you are justifying why you are not married.
    Its disheartening to think that men still believe that the most important thing to a woman is marriage and that women cheapen themselves just to get married. when everybody is crying for women empowerment. T.j is here suggesting that women should remain under the shadows for men to shine. Women, the earlier we realise that misconceptions like these are hinderances to our development, the better. Please do not put your life on hold because you are not married or loose hope because you are ‘old’. Marriage is not how fast, it is how well!!!

    • igbo sis

      October 14, 2011 at 4:53 pm

      please oh! Tejiri O’karo is a Bendel name lol. What he says about igbo men is true though, that is a common fact.

    • tacky

      October 31, 2011 at 8:18 am

      Who uses Bendel these days?
      Men can’t ß understood jor.Even the men can’t Understand themseves. So in all your waka on earth, U̶̲̥̅ ve neva met a decent gal. Abeg, U̶̲̥̅ men should say something else α̲̅πϑ leave this decency matter alone.

  70. Chichi

    October 14, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Funny enough I was having a conversation with my cousin last nite about something very similar.. Its not only that Nigerian men are carrying last but specifically certain Naija men(Ibo men). The age old notion that they must be rich before they get into a committed relationship is what kills me. I have heard from more than two male friends that they are not bothered about being in a serious relationship because they have a lot of time and would rather enjoy themselves now and make a lot of money. Who said you will not enjoy yourself while in a serious committed relationship possibly culminating in marriage? Yes, it takes two to tango and women also need to STOP imbibing the materialistic nature of the Westerners but men need to MAN up and seek healthy serious relationships with our women..Love you all and excellent article TJ, made for some interesting comments.

  71. olamide ewuosho

    October 14, 2011 at 10:34 am

    @ onyinye, may God continually increase your wisdom! i am 27yrs old lady married to 30yrs old heaven-sent man, we have a daughter who is 13months old(a real joy). we got married 2010, we dont go abroad 4 holidays, we go to abj or abeokuta whr his parents live, or take a walk 2 e-centre and window shop…..lol (jokes apart) ok our income is modest, we love each other crazy and ready to work it out together, i live better than some of my single friends that are still waiting for their “rich maybach driving, house in VGC living, weekends in Paris, Tyson Beckford look-alike hunk” ( not that i am cocky) but their brazzillian weave and designer bags is all they have( i have braz 2, but we saved 4 alike 6months b4 coming up wit the money….lol) i wont say its easy, but its definately worth it! moral of story? a girl who is waiting for a rich guy is a girl who’s lazy, greedy and fickle-minded.

  72. AlittleHumour

    October 14, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Oga TJ biko nna it is “IGBO” not Ibo…..

  73. chi chi

    October 14, 2011 at 11:32 am

    @ looters, God bless you, you said it best. every other thing is CRAP! i said so. There is no ONE rule that works for everyone. no ONE principle, no ONE factor. face your life, do your part, be honest with yourself, forget about figuring out this man-woman business & laying blames, and leave the rest to God.

  74. Oyinye darling,

    October 14, 2011 at 11:40 am

    @ Oyinye
    If you never marry, i for say make we go to the altar tomorrow.lol
    Jokes apart, i know ladies like you still exist and am really praying i find your kind soonest. I am ready for marriage, got a good car, got a good job by Nigerian standard with like 80k (shebi i no go steal) and still combine some other things too but most of these babes out there want to eat shawarma today, kentucky tomorrow, pizza the next day, BB and human hair. shey na out of the 80k i go comot dat?

    I tell you many are living in dreamland. Let them sidon there dey look for billionaire.
    My job is a federal job o not even a state job o. How many organizations pay 200, 300k monthly? Wetin dey pain me pass sef be say most of these babes are from no where o. Some no get car for their family 0-so wetin be all this fronting and backting?

    By the time some people are 50years old, they will wake up from their dream and find themselves in Naija. With fuel subsidy removal now and all oda economic problem, the trend will continue, even higher.

    B4 i forget, kisses for you jare!

  75. kenny

    October 14, 2011 at 11:45 am

    me no get anything but one tin to say “i’m tired of naija men with their sorry, lazy, unromantic, black hearted, non commitment way of life” reading this article just makes me wanna go out and give a man in his late thirties eating in a “mamaput” a sound slap, when he can put a ring on the babe he has and get times-two better of what he is paying for. msteeeeeeeeh.

  76. fortune

    October 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    @ lady fierce, U̶̲̥̅̊ spelt out my thoughts

  77. Segun Ladipo (Victor)

    October 14, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    The relationship problems outlined in the writer’s piece stems from the present crippling economic woes being experienced by majorities of marriage-ready young adult Nigerian men. Wheather we like it or not, economic situations largely determine this issue and other important ones. Back in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s… heydays of Nigeria’s prosperity, young adults are able to secure good jobs after university education and immidiately, happily, engaged in marital bliss. Nowadays, its a different saddening story bought about by deceitful and selfish politicians that plunged the country into economic and social pitfalls. These are people you entrusted to position of power, who have now with their actions turned out to be enemies of your progress and goals. If young men are shying away from relationships and marriages, dont blame them, they are not financially capable in engaging in such things. To make matters worse, majorities of young adult Nigerian women dont care, because of their materialistic and money-conscious attitudes. They care less to give the good guys who lack money the chance to work together to engage in meaningful relationship. They otherwise prefer to run after money stealing politicians and the so called “big boy” in th society. As long as the woes of Nigeria persists, so will this unfortunate social problems continue.

  78. Feelitx

    October 14, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    The women who are realistic will always get their men.

  79. sweetheart

    October 14, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    so am single girl about to graduate from undergrad, i am nt perfect but i work at making myself the best woman i can be physically emotional mentally etc, i dont need a man to buy me bb, human hair or watever it is girls kill for nw a days, if i want it i can buy it for myself (am nt adenugas daughter abeg o) dat doesn’t mean i dont want a guy to take me out on a date or buy mi flowers or chocolates. so if u r interested contact me at [email protected] . i am taking advantage of Tjs article to get myself hooked up dont judge.

    ps. i am not trying to get married o (at least not for some years)

  80. elflaco

    October 14, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    I think finding the right person whether man or woman is not easy … It is by God’s grace oh .. Men and Women are guilty of bad behaviours… I have made up my mind that I would continue to live a good life no matters what happens in any past relationship and I would treat all my women the way I treat my women … Like they are the only ones in the world

  81. Eby

    October 14, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    @this guy no try, i’m a chic but but i love u die! ur points are too on point, I like to have male friends like you who do not sugar coat or lobby like TJ. The article is an appeal on behalf of TJ’s female friends, he would soon start a sorry ass red book thingy like Dan Foster. On October 1st alone, i attended 3 different weddings, maybe TJ should ask his single female friends to change their strategies cos responsible men are everywhere walahi! Presently i’m spoilt of choice.

  82. Lily

    October 15, 2011 at 4:00 am

    Good write up. A lot of men complain that the women out there are covetous gold diggers who are not ready to build relationships with men who have little or nothing but this is not always the case. Some women have taken chances with their men but live in regret.
    A lot of men become successful but do not honour their vows to the women who loved and supported them over the years. They make a little money and go chasing after the very women they complain about to validate their “success”.
    We saw this play out in our parents lives and it seems the cycle keeps repeating itself.
    May the Lord help us all!

  83. simi

    October 15, 2011 at 11:32 am

    awww…onyinye…God bless you!!!
    [email protected] obi will not always be a boy

  84. DeeOne

    October 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I do not agree with you fully.Only a man that is not sure of himself can be intimidated by a successful woman.I think the real issue is that THEY CAN GET ALL THE BOOTY THEY WANT WITHOUT THE ADDED RESPONSIBILITIES THAT COMES WITH MARRIAGE.

  85. uche

    October 16, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    my part in all these is
    1. marriage these days is too overrated,
    2. I CAN’T marry a guy starting from the scratc,unless of course it includes a car and a well furnished apartment call it vanity,but I CAN”T SUFFER when I ddnt suffer in my father’s house
    3. Most guys these days are just plain irresponsible, it’snot just the women who have to work on their characters men too need to
    4. Looking at all these remaining single is not such a bad idea… you have the money, yes, the looks, yes but your attitude is hogwash… which right thinking lady will spend the rest of her life with you???
    5. It’s not just the men who need tofocus on their careers, women do, to avoid problems when they marry I for one don’t plan to marry till my later 20’s …I need a stable career first…
    6. Marriage is not for the offspring,it’s for the joy of companionship,men beware, your wifey is not the baby making factory
    I sort of would have totally agreed with the author,but any man who feels belittled by my wealth or educational status is not worth his salt, I was on a first class when my BF(ex) was on a 2-2 and instead of seeing me as a threat, I was an inspiration, and by the grace of God, he’s graduating with a 2-1… I mean… men and women need to check ourselves what is good for the goose may not be good for the gander, and to speak for myself, I love to study so I’d probably have like 2 B.Sc’s, @ MSc’s and one PhD before i think of marrying. Future toasters, beware NOW!!!

  86. moyosola

    October 16, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Somtimz itz not all about career, age or wat av u. Mostimz we operat out of God planz 4 our lif thereby givin oursef wahala in future. A broken relationship is beta dan a broken marige!

    • Madam kofo

      October 19, 2011 at 11:28 pm

      Well put!

  87. Dee

    October 17, 2011 at 2:05 am

    Interesting article, but why is it so hard for some people to spell IGBO?

  88. Rebel

    October 17, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Onyinye, your point is very valid and it is very true!! but please allow me to talk from experience, even when you are not looking for a rich guy and you get married to a normal guy, some men dont want to take on the responsibilities that marriage comes with! They get married, want to enforce the notion of “the man is the head” but still dont want to bring out money when it is time. I find myself buying food and toiletries in the house, paying for my car insurance and any faults my car develops, all at the same time cooking and cleaning. Any confrontation is met with at least im ensuring there’s a roof over your head and water coming out of the tap; HELL there was a roof over my head and water in my fathers house. Anuofia oshi!

    Lets face it a lot of men out there are LAZY and STINGY! which is why i agree when TJ says they want to keep spending their money alone, that is fine, but then DONT get married! shikenah.

  89. Mosunmola

    October 17, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    This article and some of the comments has been very insightful. Especially those of Onyinye and Ephee. These are some of the things i talk to my friends about. God help us. Thanks!

  90. Daami

    October 17, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    A woman is supposed to compliment a man. What men do not understand is that many of them will never get to where they are supposed to be until they attach themselves to that special woman. …so if they like, they can keep wallowing at the bottom and struggling to be somebody or they can grow up, discover God’s purpose and the woman for them and grow together.

  91. Olabeemaselfbad

    October 18, 2011 at 11:38 am

    With due respect, as young as i am i observed that some men are just pure capital not capable (pls note its not an insult) dey prefer to leae d work to the women to do examples are when u re in a relationship were by the guy just doesnt think he should ask his lady wat is wrong because he cant be bothered to help her solve her probelm dats selfish..while some men dont think they should be in love with some 1 that actually loves them aspecially if u have a case of a gal who he is 10 yrs older than that she loves him to the bone and gets dumb by him . she didnt for once think about his acge before gettin invovle with him . He was hurt by a ex of his of 8yrs yh and u find some 1 who took u out of ur circumstance and loved you .. pls wat type of line do we call dis. Some women just take men for gr8 have u guyz ever asked why is that the BadMen marry the good and gentle women while d Good men marry the WINCHI wife that cos the 1 dey were supposed to be with they both overlooked them. There is another 1 nigerian men do if the girl is not another foreign season shes has to have a Red P or Blue P . Another thing is presure and competition weddings are competions forgetting marriage. that only scares the men away . when the husbamd says i want a quiet 1 the girl is saying nooo i want noise .. make i no lie if im a guy and my gal is pressurizin mi abotu wedding dis and dat i will run away i rada want a female that want to be with me forever meaning marry me not some1 who wants a freak show

  92. pips

    October 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    I disagree with the part that said Nigerian women seek more degrees out of lonliness. My fiance just purchased my Msc. form for me even though he doesnt have intentions take any othe degree at the moment.

  93. Naveah

    October 19, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Oyinyeye – wonderful thoughts! I loved your comments and I agree…at the same time, our men don’t know a good thing when they see it sometimes too.

    The last Nigerian guy I dated put me OFF Nigerian men for almost four years and after that I swore off not only Nigerian men but BLACK men period. Trust me, I don’t need any man to “maintain” me – when I dated this Nigerian man, I had 3 degrees, own my own apartment out right with no mortgage, I have a great job with benefits better than his, I have a very active social life, great family, I am well travelled, well read and he didn’t have okukwo (papers) sef but since the job would give him papers, I wasn’t worried that he was dating me for that reason. I wasn’t pressing for marriage but I made it known from day one that I was not into playing games, I wasn’t dating for the sport of it. I made it known from day one that if there will be issues from his family with the fact that I am from a different ethnic group, we shouldn’t even bother starting anything, he said his parents don’t care as long as the girl was Naija and not Akata or worst Oyingbo. We seemed to get along just fine, I was doing my part as a serious girlfriend, I was cooking, cleaning, buying him gifts just because, I was treating his family here like my own kin but in the mean time, his mother was crying/fasting/praying for my demise because I was not from his ethnic group. She was gathering her friends/family in the States to find him a “proper” wife, he cheated on me, he was cheaper than a miser, he was inconsiderate and showed no gratitude for ANYTHING I did for him instead he had the nerves to complain that I didn’t wash plates right after dinner because I was tire and he didn’t feel that he should have to wash plates since his job was much more important than mine which involves “just” pushing papers around a desk and I wasn’t even living with him, just passing by to make him dinner. Chei, I don see someting o lwkmd. He would get upset about something, instead of talking it out, he would ignore my phone calls for a week and be passive aggressive. He would tell me I was too jovial at parties, I couldn’t drink anything but wine, I should wear my hair one way or the other etc. Half a year later, I was done!

    My biggest issues with Nigerian/African/African American men is their lack of transparency, I do believe that one can never know the inner most thoughts of a Nigerian man or how they truly feel. Don’t buy me clothes or give me money, tell me how you feel about me, do what you say, listen to me and don’t dismiss my feelings as “woman issue”, show me a side that is vulnerable, that is not hard all the time because you are trying to fight the whole world to prove something. I want to see the REAL you not some image that society has said you have to maintain so people can think you are a “man”. It is nice to be needed and a Nigerian man doesn’t appear to need anyone, just things i.e. house, car, designer clothes, approval of boss/friends/family – the woman is just an acquire part of the picture of success. I couldn’t live that kind of life. It is funny after I had married a non-Nigerian, the Nigerian brothers I know started saying “oh, Naija no go enough for you again?” and some are such shock that my husband speaks a little bit of my dialect and pidgin meanwhile my last Naija beau was telling me I had better learn his dialect when I complained that he and his family spent a better part of the day only speaking their dialect with me sitting there like an idiot and between them was several college degrees in medicine/pharmacy/engineering so they could obviously speak English! He didn’t feel he had to learn anything about where I was from but I had to learn all about him.

    Nigerian men are great friends but that’s about it for me.
    THIS ARE ALL MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION, I HAVE SAID THAT IT IS STEEPED IN FACT SO PLEASE, LET’S KEEP THE DISCUSSION WITHIN THE FRAMEWORK OF THE ISSUES AT HAND. THANKS:)

  94. Naveah

    October 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Have NOT said it’s steeped in fact…i meant to say:)

  95. lolo george

    October 20, 2011 at 3:34 am

    OK this is one of the best articles i have read about nigerians not getting married. most article always blame the girls or ladies for wanting too much. but there are women out there i.e me. you actually try to help some guys come up higher. get to places higher than where they are today, but they are just too proud or too stupid. or maybe scared. but like the article says These men have choices, they can still get married at 40 to 25 year old. so maybe if we ladies start getting married to younger men they will wake up.

  96. lolo george

    October 20, 2011 at 3:39 am

    Most women can buy this hair themselves, so why are they always complaining the hair. these guys can mature just a little faster and then get married

  97. didi

    October 23, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    loooolll the comments are usually more hillarious and insightful that the posts.

  98. emma

    October 23, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    Where re the ladies?Most Nigerian girls are pretenders,heart breakers,gold diggers.Infact Nigerian Ladies dont understand the meaning of Love IN NIGERIA.Its money for hand back for ground.All what they wanted is READY MADE.If you show Love to them,they take you as MUMU.To be candid a man always shows concern and respect a lady,but our LADIES are not cooperating.So why then should a man marry a lady that has over USED her life span with her best friend friend or relatives and now waiting for one MUMU to marry her?Lets be real,Nigerian men are the best.Our ladies should go and repent and live a meaningful life. A WORD IS ENOUGH FOR THE WISE

    • Naveah

      October 24, 2011 at 9:10 pm

      If you are not a good judge of character and have had the misfortune of continuously meeting pretenders, heart breakers, gold diggers and ladies who want “ready made” life, then blame yourself for that ish and stop generalizing! I could easily enumerate many, many undesirable qualities about Nigerian men but I understand that I have an AMAZING father, brother, cousins, uncles and friends that are far removed from the titles I have heard Nigerian/Non-Nigerian women paste on Nigerian men – opportunists, domineering, un-romantic, misers, pushy, cheaters, 419 fraudster etc. This thing works two ways, you cannot lay all the blame at the feet of Nigerian women collectively and absolve yourselves of some of the blame. Nigerian men are the best ko, Nigerian men are the best ni…please, don’t come on here as if you have never broken a woman’s heart, or stretched your cash to impress a chick even though you know you don’t have that much (pretending!) etc. Check yourself, brotha!

  99. and so?

    October 29, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    abeg abeg abeg, free me somebody! if i didnt have hair dangling to my ass and looking the part of a happening babe, which guy will cast me a 2nd look? if i go about wit shuku hair style, iro n buba and hop from bus to okada, which beta bobo will toast me? whats all this about babes being materialistic etc? the men drove us to it in order to catch and maintain their attention. a humble girl will stay and suffer with her bloke, he becomes rich tomorrow and remembers she has k-legs and pimples! abeg, man no get small size and thus cannot be managed. you either meet the requirements or ur out of the door. in being a good girl, ul settle 4 an uchin, who will turn around and cheat on you as most nigerian men do and then you start to wonder y u even decided to manage this one. please come to me with a load of wad, when you mess up as u most likely will, pls send me on a shopping trip abroad and replace my car, i no go vex. i have being a good and innocent girl in several relationships, e no pay me. love will grow when needs are met pls. this love u all are preaching turns to tolerance and co dependence in a relationship or marriage after about 2 years, u get used to each other and learn to live with each others short comings, dont expect fairy tales and happily ever after endings. the moment the men stop expecting beyonce babes and are happy to be seen with natural down to earth babes, fakeness in babes will reduce and they will find wife materials, but as long as you want fine girls and sex to go with it, please, be ready to pay for it, any girl wey drop her pant free of charge, no money or ring in her hand is a FOOL for life. i rest my case.

  100. sam

    October 31, 2011 at 10:20 am

    My friend said “guys are like trains”, you keep hopping in and out until you reach your final stop!

  101. CEO

    November 4, 2011 at 5:24 am

    This is a really nice piece. I love the part about the Igbo guys…It’s so true. I’m Igbo and I totally detest it because Igbo men would wait till kingdom come and then go marry a girl over 10years younger than them so they can sit on top of their heads and manipulate them. No wonder many igbo brides these days tend to be hiding their bellies on their wedding day. its quite tacky. Once they chop your yam, its all ova mehn. It totally irks my nerves.

    One huge thing I’ve noticed about Nigerian dudes is PRIDE….and its the worst thing ever. Nigerian dudes r too proud n it aint even cute because it ends up being hurtful. Pride doesn’t allow you to be honest. its okay not to have all d money in the world but being cocky on top of it is displeasing. i’d say being humble, honest, and more straightforward wud really work.

    As for 9ja gurls….no comments.lol. I think both sexes feed off each other with regard to the r/l scene. Gurls put up a front n then guys respond with pride (rich or not), some dishonest instead of just making it plain “I can’t afford these things”. it will help if Nigerian gurls tone it down a whole lot. guys r not ur fathers, dnt expect them to change ur entire wardrobe, buy u the latest BB, ipod, ipad, iphone, ibrazillianhair ilacefrontwig, imacstudio, ieverything because then nigerian guys would feel like they have to aspire to afford those things, even for guys starting out in their careers which I find ridiculous. At the end of the day when gurls complain about being dumped, its only because u were seen as a chore in the 1st place. if u want a meaningful r/l, don’t enter expecting what you can get out of it materially or physically (this applies to guys n ladies). I hv a friend who told my yrs ago that her ex broke up with her because she never asked him for money so he concluded she got it from somewhere else. Imagine that expectation. its absolutely ridiculous. If a guy wants to buy u things because he loves you, let him because love gives. However, if ur going to be making dumb requests u might as well ask the guy to claim you when he files his tax as a dependent bcos essentially that’s how sum women come across.

  102. sweet liberty

    November 5, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    interesting read….IMO, a whole lot of Nigerian men are egoistic. tell me, why cant a man handle an educated successful woman? shouldnt she be your pride and joy? some men are even scared to approach women who drive nice cars….amazing.
    i am a medical doctor. 26yrs old, tall, slim and beautiful. my first relationship was 10 years ago and lasted for almost 3 yrs. i wasnt ready to get married at 19, because i felt there was still alot more to discover about myself. the relationship became abusive and that led to the break up. that was my first and last relationship. soon after that i travelled to Ghana to continue my education, i transfered from the private university i was in Nigeria. not one single date in Ghana. apparently Ghanaian men were intimidated by Nigeria women, as they also thot we were materialistic and they needed to be loaded to date us. the typical Ghanaian man will not spend alot on his girlfriend. in addition to that, medical school took up alot of my time. i finally finished from medical school and looked back at my life. i have not had a boyfriend for the past 6 years. i am not ugly, there is nothing wrong with my character or personality….it just turned out that i didnt meet the kind of men i could date and i refused to settle for less. dont get me wrong, i got loads of offers, but why force something when you dont feel it. now, back in Nigeria, i had the impression that i would meet the right type of guys, but all i have been getting is offers from rich married men….it’s personally a no-go area for me. where are all the eligible bachelors? MIA. in the meantime, am totally facing my career and having fun with my life. if the Nigerian men have chosen to carry last…i hope it’s not so heavy that it causes a dislocation., cheers.

  103. Babycandy

    November 23, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Personally,i feel this issue has been over-flogged.I am of the opinion that peeps shld just stop over-analyzing,and just do whatever works 4 them.
    As young as i am,i have experienced the kind of pain and mis-treatment sum ladies 10yrs my senior cant even begin 2 imagine,so i know how cruel and egotistic our naija ‘brothas’ can be…..
    Finally i whole-heartedly support the view isn’t,and shouldn’t be our ultimate goal.It sucks that our society and religion has conditioned us 2 believe that a woman is incomplete without a man.

  104. Babycandy

    November 23, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Marriage isnt,and shouldnt be our ultimate goal….ah meant 2 say!

  105. chukwuka

    December 16, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Na by force to marry…heheheheh After una don messup for yr1, yr2, yr3, una go wan repent and na dat tym.. we wan resume awa game… so dnt cry…beta be single n be in a wringle..

  106. stella.m.w.

    December 22, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    dont worry people.I’m a survivor ,I’m not goin’ give up ,I’m not goin’ stop ,I’m goin’ work harder.So WE are SURVIVORS, WE’RE gonna make it, WE will survive.
    marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured.dont enter it becuz of pressure and jump out after 72 days(hollywood).

  107. stella.m.w.

    December 22, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    @naveah.i support u girl.i had a similar situation with a naija boy.tho it was in secondary sch sha.he was intimidated and never told me till i broke up with him.besides i wasnt even from his ethnic group and dat was a problem.right now i cant date a nigerian,blackamerican/british etc.some people say im a racist but ive made up my mind dear.i prefer d white counterparts who cherish dere ladies and live in a society where marriage is not compulsory.moreover,d nigerian economy is not helpin matters too.no jobs,peanut salary etc.God help us.amen.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Tangerine Africa
Sign up on Netflix
Advertisement

Star Features

css.php