My friend, Bisi recently gave up sex. To her it clouded her judgment in relationships. It was always difficult for her to determine if the guy was in it for her, or simply in it, for ‘it’. So for the last 2 years, she has been celibate. Coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally) she hasn’t been in a relationship for the last 2 years. Why? Because any guy she mentions this to, suddenly stops calling her. At first, she thought it was because she was meeting the wrong kind of guys. So she started paying more attention to the ‘church’ brothers. You know, the ones in the choir, Protocol department and Ushers, only to find that they were even worse. They’d talk all holy while their hands would find different ways to slide up her skirt. Frustrated, she brought up this conversation during our regular drinks session with the girls…..
“I’m I being realistic? Really, maybe sex is what every guy wants and somewhere in between these marathon sexathons he makes up his mind if he wants to be serious”.
Another friend of mine Jennifer, is 32 and swears she is a virgin. She got engaged to her boyfriend of 2 years on New Years day and believes, Bisi should be patient. To her, any man who loves you, will wait and would respect your decision to wait. Although she admits, that waiting is difficult and that she almost gave up many times, she is happy she didn’t. She believes taking sex off the table allows a couple to focus on other intimate parts of their relationship, which in turn creates a better relationship.
“Nduka (her fiancé) waited for me, because he saw beyond my physical assets. I can’t wait for our wedding night, when we can finally do it as husband and wife”
Eloka, a male friend of ours is the honorary ‘female’ member of our group. He gives the male perspective in all discussions and helps to cut through the emotional cycle we girls go through in relationships. For him, sex is just, well…sex. There are no emotions attached. He thinks Bisi is completely out of her mind, particularly as she isn’t a virgin. Sex is how he lets a woman know he is into her, to him its ‘abnormal’ for any man to be with a woman he claims to like and not sleep with her. Although he does admit that a guy would be weary of committing to a relationship if he senses that a girl has ‘slept’ around, so he advices that women wait at least 3 weeks before sleeping with a guy. Anything longer is pointless.
“Guys, don’t see sex the way you women do. It’s a simple thing. As long as you use protection, sex isn’t a big deal. Enjoy your life Bisi!”.
Nneka agrees with Eloka. She thinks Jennifer is crazy to get married to a guy she hasn’t been with. What if he is horrible in bed? What if he doesn’t satisfy her! The whole concept of waiting is completely foreign to Nneka. She thinks Bisi is even crazier and is completely bored by the subject. She however disagrees with Eloka about waiting at least 3 weeks.
“Whether you sleep with him on the first day or 3 months later, point is you’ve slept with him….sex isn’t only for the man, women enjoy sex too and we don’t loose anything by having sex! Next topic please!!!!”
What about you guys? Who do you agree with? Have you been in a similar situation with Bisi? Do you think she is being unrealistic? Should she give up on being celibate or should she follow Jennifer’s example and wait for the “right” kind of man. Is Eloka right to advice women to wait for at least 3 weeks? Is this enough time? Does Jennifer make a valid point by saying the length of time is immaterial if you intend to sleep with him anyway? What are your thoughts?