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The Death of Presumption



I had always taken pride in my (supposed) great instincts. I thought that I had foresight and that I had everything and everyone all figured out… that I could define people and situations in a glance. I was wrong.

I finally admitted to my delusion several months ago. Now that I have learnt my lessons, I thought to share them with you… maybe I could save a heart.

For one, I have learnt not to take gestures at face value; I have learnt to ask questions, and to be sure of each situation I find myself before jumping into conclusions.

Over time, I had prayed to God to indulge me, and give me a particular type of husband. I had a full-fledged wish list with details such as him being a godly man, with sound educational background and a good career, great personality, good looks, and the works. I had prayed to God daily to give me a man with all these great features and qualities. I described him to God as often as I had the opportunity and I was certain that He heard me each time.

One day, Mr. Almost-Right turned up, and he really seemed to be the man I had described to God – I really thought he was the one sent from heaven. He also didn’t help matters since he was so good to me. He said and did all the right things however; he did not talk about his intentions, neither did he make a commitment to me. Since I thought I had him all figured out, I did not think that it was necessary to ask him any questions. Instead, I started to imagine what my wedding dress would look like, and the preferred venue of our wedding. In my thoughts, I set a convenient date to meet his family, I determined how many children we would have… all of these beautiful feelings ran through my head and heart, over and over, and in my naivety, I concluded that this was a done deal…  Matrimony, here I come!

Several weeks into our relationship, while Mr. Almost-Right and I were having one of our many conversations, he suddenly dropped the bombshell, saying that he was not ready to commit to anyone for several years to come. He said all that mattered to him that moment was his business and career development. He added that if he saw love at a distance, he would take to his heels in the opposite direction! At that moment, my heart sank. I suddenly realised that I had been a fool, assuming the role of a god while thinking that I had all the answers to questions I never even bothered to ask.

It took me several months to get over this façade of a relationship! On my road to recovery, I killed all tendencies to presume things, and I vowed never to make the same mistake. I guess this is easier said than done since I have almost been fooled a number of times afterwards. Thankfully, I asked questions which helped to clarify things before they got out of hand.

For instance, I met another seemingly wonderful man who loved to spend time with me; he gave his undivided attention and even cooked for me. Naturally, I thought he had fallen madly, deeply, and crazy in love until I asked him the big question – “what do you want”? I almost fell off my chair as he responded, saying that he just wanted us to be friends. Apparently, he had made a commitment to God that he would never get married, but would live his life just as Apostle Paul did – traveling the world, preaching the word of God.

Now, much as I love God wholeheartedly, I really wasn’t thrilled that this particular man had decided to commit to Him this way. Of all the men in the world, why him? Again, this man (godly or not) almost got me fooled but didn’t succeed. As the saying goes, “once bitten, twice shy”. Thankfully, I asked questions this time around. I soon realised that Mr. Apostle Paul II just isn’t mine since God never makes mistakes. 

I have since spent time wondering why men at times give the impression that they want something or someone when they really don’t. Why do they lead us to Mr. Presumption who can be a real pain in the a**. Do they not realise that it really hurts when they take us for a long ride only to find that they just want to be friends! Do men do this on purpose or are the ladies just too quick to presume that men want more than they really do? I always try to be clear about my intentions so why can’t they do the same?

I might never find the answers to these questions, but I have learnt to stop acting the fool, and to protect myself simply by asking questions to clarify issues. Once both parties are clear about their intentions, then all is fair and square.

 Photo Credit:


  1. Berry

    February 28, 2012 at 10:12 am

    It’s best to ask from the onset, cos whereas us females are quick to start fantasizing about our dream weddings, the guys are usually just hanging out. I don’t trust any guy who doesn’t come out to say “I like you and I want to pursue a relationship with you.” It’s silly to assume that just cos he’s treating you nicely, it means he wants to date/marry you.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that if a man wants to be with you, you’ll know for sure. He will tell you, AND he will back it up with actions.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      February 28, 2012 at 10:01 pm

      I second the comment…..

    • anno

      February 29, 2012 at 8:57 pm

      I can totally relate †☺ your story only that in my case I didn’t assume. I met this guy who was very nice †o me. I liked him but immediately he told Me he had a girlfriend, the like change †☺ what exist between friends but the problem with him was that he started professing love α̲̅πϑ all that α̲̅πϑ I asked him the same question you asked apostle paul 2 α̲̅πϑ til today I never got a response but he still professes love. Naturally, I walked α̲̅πϑ he is still with his babe. My Conclusion therefore is that a lot of guys know what they want but keep mute α̲̅πϑ continue leading you on and α̲̅πϑ yes, I think they do it deliberately.

    • Didi

      March 10, 2012 at 6:57 pm

      D same ting happened to me. Learnt my lesson big time.

    • anno

      February 29, 2012 at 9:06 pm

      I can totally relate †☺ your story only that in my case I didn’t assume. I met this guy who was very nice †o me. I liked him but immediately he told Me he had a girlfriend, the likeness changed †☺ what exist between friends but the problem with him was that he started professing love α̲̅πϑ all that α̲̅πϑ I asked him the same question you asked apostle paul 2 α̲̅πϑ til today I never got an answer but he still professes love. Naturally, I walked α̲̅πϑ he is still with his babe. My Conclusion therefore is that a lot of guys know what they want but keep mute α̲̅πϑ continue leading you on and yes, I think they do it deliberately.

  2. Personal tuvs

    February 28, 2012 at 10:14 am

    • Homely

      February 28, 2012 at 12:54 pm

      lol…. okiri i see u.

  3. lola

    February 28, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Well said!
    But we should always ask, before it gets out of hand

  4. Amina

    February 28, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Nice article

  5. Angie king

    February 28, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Good piece!!!! and yes i can relate to this story

  6. melzy

    February 28, 2012 at 10:39 am

    From my own point of view,i think some times ,ladies are too quick to presume dat men want more than they really do. On the other hand,some men lead women on

  7. Gidiss

    February 28, 2012 at 10:44 am

    No guy can give u the answers to ur questions if he isn’t really sure about u… When he is actually sure that u are the kind of lady he want, he will definitely not keep u at the friend zone…

  8. Guest

    February 28, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Well said. Communication is key. Some hate it when we ask so many questions, but rather too many than not enuff. Once bitten twice shy. If we’re making the same mistakes over and over again then we’re not learning. You should MAKE CLEAR what you want. If he does not want the same, then keep it moving. No hard feelings. Just learn from your mistakes and move on.

  9. Busayo

    February 28, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Nice write-up Ejire.

    I think the problem is a little of both. Girls assuming too much and guys leading us on. You’ve said it all- ask questions, clarify things. You’ll never go wrong with that. Knowing when to ask is key too though. I would think a guy would consider me desperate if I asked him what he wanted within a week of meeting.

    • Funmi

      February 28, 2012 at 12:04 pm

      There is nothing desperate about asking. You are not asking him to be your boyfriend. You can ask in a simple “So what do you want from me?”. If he wants you, he will give you a direct answer like “I want to know you more” but if he says “Let us see” RED FLAG!. That means “I will be seeing other people” or “I am not ready for a relationship”.

    • kem

      February 28, 2012 at 12:20 pm

      i dont think u need to ask a guy what he want within a week, it simply, clearly define your stands, and stick to it, some say just friends but at d end cant even say if they are dating d guy because other things down, so my dear i just feel, it good to express and expect or assume one is a God to know wat on d mind….

  10. Dr B

    February 28, 2012 at 10:55 am


  11. Lil fiz

    February 28, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Waooooo. Thumbs up girlllllllll. I really like this story! Lol. Guys are always there to deceive ladies, hoping they are having fun but when the right time for them to get married comes, they end up marrying the wrong person and blame God why it happened, when they are busy making jest of the right woman then.

  12. Funmi

    February 28, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Sorry girl. It cannot be easy to fall for unavailable men. I have a boyfriend now but I am the kind of person that would ask what the intentions are in the first date. If the guy is jsut being friendly and NEVER

    • Funmi

      February 28, 2012 at 11:09 am

      oops too early. Anyway, I was saying if the guy is being friendly and never comes out to say I want us to be together then never assume. I have met a lot of guys that even after friendship for years they have said I want us to be together/ Lets try a relationship or something to that nature but I am not available.

      Bottom line, if you are the kind of girl like me who takes dating seriously and enjoys being in committed monogamous relationships then please ask in the first date/outing what the guy wants. If he says friendship, trust he is not going to change his mind.

  13. Enuff said

    February 28, 2012 at 11:14 am


  14. PD

    February 28, 2012 at 11:17 am

    i need to learn how to ask questions 1st ……………..

    • Funmi

      February 28, 2012 at 12:05 pm

      Off Topic: Nice dress. I likey 🙂

  15. Gracee

    February 28, 2012 at 11:19 am

    nothing like asking to be sure at the beginning, nothing!!

  16. salewa

    February 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

    I am never afraid to ask or feel to foward asking a guy after two meetings. Why? Because this girl is a master feelings catcher. I ask on time, after about 2 to 3 conversations, though I don’t entirely personalize the questions. Answers like ‘I’m not over my ex’, ‘I’m facing my career’ bla bla are usually hurtful, but it is better to know from the outset if there’s in no future tham allowing urself to be stringed along. This has worked for me and I don’t know if it might work for any other person, but I ask Qs as early as the 3rd day. No time *shrugs*

  17. sista in the Lord

    February 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

    lol at your story….i once met a guy that seemed like God was telling me ” this is what you want abi, oya take now!” lol it seemed like he crawled out of my diary pages. On our first date i was already thinking of the colour of our aso oke and how he would look in his agbada(yes!) but few weeks down the line i had to swallow the pill called reality and put my self together…..whatever will be will be. If you say you trust God then trust him all the way he has the best in store for you.

  18. diamond

    February 28, 2012 at 11:51 am

    I can also relate to this story. You can be nice to a lady and treat her right without leading her on, especially if she develops an interest in you. if you want to be friends, be friends but free her to relate with others and connect with someone else. You occupy her time and her life and then you’ll end up telling her you are just friends.
    Ejire, you given the most logical solution. It’s either ladies don’t assume at all and take evry guy that comes around as a friend till he states his intentions, or ask questions outrightly to avoid an avoidable heartache. He will always be right at the end if he says “but i didnt ask you out”.

  19. gbegborun

    February 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

    This is such a funny article!!! Apostle Paul?? Lolllll Had me laughing out loud. Yah. He has probably used that one a gazillion times. I reckon he is a down-low brother ;). Anyways my love….don’t sweat it! Maybe you are taking this relationship/marriage game far too seriously. Just spend time with guys who make you feel comfortable and whose company you enjoy. All this looking for a “Godly” guy steez….for me doesn’t work. You have asked God for what you want…..he has heard and will bring it forth….CHILL and enjoy the process 🙂

  20. kem

    February 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    yes oh, most people dont say rather they just assume relationship and end up in a complicated relationship because it was never defined…..just like i had a blind date and d guy simply thought he was good to go, already acting in a relationship…i had to calm him down oh, okay we were introduces doesnt necessarily mean we must date, people should just learn to speak out…if you are friends, dont act in a relationship…dont complicate issues for yourselves, life is simple, we only make it difficult ….

  21. Debby

    February 28, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    @Busayo, I dont think there should be a time frame to ask what a guy wants in r/ship esp. if he is the “just friends” type, if he has a genuine reason or not, even on a first date you can tell your intentions. it is better to ask while it is still fresh than later and get hurt. Nice article!

  22. correct

    February 28, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Lol,Mr almost right might not have lead u on purposely,it might have been all u.U had this vision in ur head and when u thought u saw it manifest you jst assumed God had answered your prayers. Something similar happened to me sometime ago,I got to meet this guy thru a frnd of his dat was asking me out and somehow we became very close,I jst saw him as a guy that I could tell things to,even things I wouldn’t tell ma female friends and he seems to understand me,we saw each other everyday after lectures,I knew pple thought we were dating but I felt atlest he knows we are nt so it didn’t really matter to me, after a while I started noticing some changes in him like he would always want to hold ma hand when we were walking,call me @ midnight cus he couldn’t sleep and would beg me to tell him somthing sweet so he can sleep,act jealous wen I tell him I av a crush on some guy etc. when he started getting jealous I knew he ad taken it out of the friend zone n wanted more which I didn’t.I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him flat out that I didn’t want a relationship with him. Fortunately 4 me, we were talking abt the perfect mate one day and he asked me what kind of guy I liked, I saw that as an opportunity and told him he exact opposite of what he was expecting he is of average height,dark n slim so I told him I loved tall,fair and huge guys,he got so upset dat I thought he was going to cry but he took it like a man,got up and told me he jst remembered he ad something to do in his room.Still this guy didn’t not stop I found out ltr that he had told his friends date we were dating and was stopping others guys from asking me out.To cut the long story short I had to give up the friendship,i started avoiding him gradually till he left sch cus he was 2yrs ahead of me.Never assume, always ask.

  23. afolabi olabisi

    February 28, 2012 at 12:51 pm


  24. eazzie

    February 28, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Please i beg to differ… asking questions about what a guy wants when he casually takes you out on a date or being friends within a week spells desperation ‘in my opinion’. It also comes across like ‘i need to know what you want so i can justify sleeping with you (for those of us who want to test the waters before commiting). whatever happened to going out casually as friends with your minds void of ‘where will this lead to?’ lemme tell you how my mind works…the moment a guy tells me his intentions like looking for a serious relationship which can lead to marriage, i begin to spot all his faults and give myself reasons why it wont work. because i am very old fashioned, i believe a lot in courting… spending time together as just friends and getting to know each other. it not only preserves your self worth, it gives u both time to manifest your true characters and see if you comfy with it. the truth is, half the time, we know when we are going into relationships that have no future. My brother did not wed his ex-girlfriend even when we loved her dearly because according to him she was always all about…. ‘where is this relationship headed? i need to know….’ any time they had an arguement.
    the truth of the matter is be friends and u will definately get signs if he is a keeper or not. the only reason why u will feel like you loose out when you dont ask or confirm intentions of the guy is if you sleep with them as they come. girls need to be wise. let the man find you not you finding out if you are the one for him… my 2 cents

    • Funmi

      February 28, 2012 at 1:20 pm

      “u will definately get signs if he is a keeper or not”

      The point of the article is to not rely on external signs because you might end up in a one sided relationship… It is worth asking in the beginning especially if you guys spend a lot of time together because romantic feelings would start to develop that could lead to a heartbreak if the guy only sees you as a friend.

      **my last comment sha. no be me write the article…** LOL

    • partyrider

      February 29, 2012 at 12:57 am

      i strongly agree

    • missoyi

      February 29, 2012 at 1:39 am

      Eazzie girl, ur so on point. We women need to take a step back at a point in time in order to keep control of the situation. but of course it’s easier said than done…
      Good piece by the way.

    • Zikora

      March 4, 2012 at 4:38 am

      i seriously does not think the writer of this article means to ask on the first date. but where by you are saying a guy for almost two years and he cannot come out and say this is what i want, please ask and when he starts getting fustrated run. it is hard. but is really good if you want to keep yourself sane

    • CHI-E-Z

      March 15, 2012 at 10:23 pm

      lol absolutely i’m only girl amongst many guys in my fam nd friends so i hear the stories.You r absolutely corect about asking too soon and alot being a turn-off

  25. SHE

    February 28, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Going by the slogan “innocent until proven guilty”, why don’t you try being friends with him till he says he wants more? It might be hard, but trust me when I say it pays. That way you get to meet other guys who may be interested in you as you are not hung on anyone, and you get to stay friends with him till he makes up his mind. Its a win-win for YOU!

  26. Effizy

    February 28, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    well said

  27. bundle

    February 28, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    when a guy makes it look like ur an item, and discourages all other guys from coming near you…..ask ooooooh and make sure abeg, i dont need anyone spoiling market for me. cos its selfish and mean on the guy`s part to do that. I mean why would you lead a woman on for God knows how long, without defining your relationship….A relationship has to be defined, so that you know what you are doing, if we are just friends, let me know, so that if i am on the look out for a prospective mate, i can still see other people. i dated a guy for a while and when i asked him “the 64 million dollar question” , the anuofia told me that if i had other options i should take them, after over 6months of seeing each other. The irony is that i took his advice, left him and i`m engaged to the best guy in the world, and this same anuofia comes to tell me that i wasn`t patient with him, that he was having issues and that he would have made me the “one”. What nerve? like he was some lottery ticket that i had to win, i no get that time joor. Ladies we are jewels abeg, if he has noble intentions, he should be in a hurry to state them cos he shouldnt want someone else to step in before he does, there are subtle ways to know, if he introduces you to his friends as just a friend, sweetface, that is what you are shikena, if he only wants to be seen with you at night, if he doesnt introduce you to his family after some few months, nne fogerrit, tha boy no means busines. My fiance proposed to me the first day he saw me, it is said that a man knows if he would want to marry you within the first few hours of meeting. Leave all this talk of “jumping the gun” if he wants you he should state it, if he doesnt he should park well, let us see road joor.We are too precious to waste our time with indecisive people.

    • u-jay

      February 28, 2012 at 2:44 pm

      gal u are right abt him seeing u only @ night,1ce knew a guy like dat,he wz alwayz blaming it on tight work schedule bt wen we get talkin i ll find out his day waznt as busy as he claimed.

    • k.jay

      February 28, 2012 at 3:43 pm

      wow! thanks for sharing this. I need to go tell someone that she ain’t da one. thanks!!

    • Chi-ka

      February 28, 2012 at 11:59 pm

      Nne thank you jare! I was in a relationship with a guy like that! Serious spoiling of market o lol…and after six months he said he wasn’t sure if I was the one, that if I meet someone else I should let him know and move on. I took it hard, but I did move on. In a few words, my boo is the BEST!!!!
      All those ‘market spoilers’ mscheeewwwww. Ladies please ask early oooo, some of these boys are mean like that! 🙂

    • onyxxxxx

      March 4, 2012 at 5:43 am

      haha lwkmd.. gbammmm! babe you are spot on.

  28. sammy

    February 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Nice article. I am of the opinion, that people should ask questions, especially if you are confused. Is also in the Bible, “ask and you shall receive. Whoever ask questions can never miss his ways. However, if you are mature enough or due for marriage you should ask. If the guy in quote doesn’t want to talk try make him talk if he can’t then you can talk(ask) or you quiet.

  29. Princess

    February 28, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    If a man see the picture of his future wife in you he knows from the on start, for some it’s “she is an ok girl not exactly what I need but lets’s see where it leads” or “oh she’s cool to hang out with”. There are ways to find out which category u fall in ” subtle manner”. Trust me if u are d picture in his head, asking what he wants on the 1st date would not make u seem desperate in his eyes. But sometimes we see d signs that he really isn’t thinking of u as marriage material we cross fingers and close eyes hoping he would change, sometime we are lucky he wakes up one morning and realizes hmmm! I love the girl. Some other times like my friend would say u would grow “dada”. The truth as am friend Efe would say it ” assumption kills!!!!!”

  30. cathy

    February 28, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    ok piece

  31. k.jay

    February 28, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    for me, I think good guys usually are looking for something in a woman, and when see something close to what they envision, they attach for a while. But usually, when they get closer, she isn’t what they really wanted. not wanting to just suddenly “divorce” the lady, they keep it on friendship level.

  32. Naveah

    February 28, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    I don’t get this article, abeg so should a man treat a woman badly in order for her to not to presume he wants something more than he’s willing to give? I don’t see how a guy treating a woman well can lead to her presuming he wants to marry her and settle down, said woman did all that work of delusion on her own. A guy who is dating a woman should treat her nice period! A woman should not presume a man wants something from her without ASKING very specifically where the relationship is heading within a certain amount of time and receiving a specific response. You alone know yourself and what you desire, to presume what a man OR what anyone wants for that matter is a fool’s game. It is very easy to lay the blame on the man which this article has done, I am sorry I don’t think it is a balanced story.

    Women need to stop mentally ordering Monique L’hullier wedding gowns, planning sitting arrangements, picking wedding colors and ordering invitations with every man they meet that is remotely dateable…only 12 year olds do such things. If you are grown woman, WALK into love and stop falling and stumbling into it – walking is a controlled action, falling lacks control which is why some of us end up hurt and wonder why. Begin those dream AFTER you have determined that you and your man are on the exact same page because then it isn’t a dream, it is a reality.

    • Zikora

      March 4, 2012 at 4:31 am

      Well said, But Ithink the writer is not making an assumption from just the guy treating her nicley. those guys most of the time would say the right things, like you know i have to meet your parents, they lead you on. Most of the time you do not imagine stuff. The guy would actually say let’s get married and then the day you ask him when is this our pressumed weddding date. he begins to have stories about career. or you live in America and i live in nigeria, i don’t think it will work. You have always lived in america and he has always lived in nigeria and now it is a problem> so i think there are many things that make women presume, so coming out to ask always saves you a later heart break. my two cents

  33. ForeverYoung

    February 28, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Funny thing is few months down the line, you will see Mr Apostle Paul’s wedding pics on facebook(thank God for facebook)cheesing with his bride wey don allegedly “hammer” the badt boy…like tuface said in his recent interview “et is not easily analysed”. Left to me Nigerian men and women kill relationships even before it starts. Oh I miss the days of boy meets girl, girl meets boy they like each other and have fun together. No no no no no, not like that anymore, these days it’s girl plastered with mac makeup sitting opposite a guy at the dinner table and asking “what do you want?” OR guy after spending a couple of weeks asking “do you think we will be happy if we got married?”…*raised-eyebrow*…errrr ok….then couple of the months down the line …I think i want to be a priest…or i don’t know about this marriage ting sef…funniest one ever..”i think I may be gay”….bullshiat. OMG….all you should want is fun fun fun, whatever happened to that? asking all these questions and putting all these labels on things will zap out the fun in ur relationship, it’s like someone stopping the music midway. I understand not everyone has the luxury of time, but relationships these days seem contrived, no wonder they hardly ever last. I just wonder why some girls act like they just won the lottery cos they received the “girlfriend” or “fiancee” or “wife” title..seriously if that’s the highlight of their lives, me thinks they need a trip to fiji then. That someone calls you fiancee or gf or wife sef don’t mean he ain cutting shows. That ur relationship started out the way u wanted it, in that he expressed his intentions and things took off the romance novel way don’t gaurantee a long lasting successful relationship. You have the ring now, but please give us the status report in 5yrs. Ohh i’m sure most girls might have even had the chance to be in a relationship where they had the “title” but they sure ain living the role. To me a relationship is a 2-way thing, the man and the woman both have a say – equal say. That I date you don’t mean I necessarily have to marry you, afterall dating is a weeding out process. Yeah there could be a possiblity of marriage, but only if things go well. That I want to marry you don’t necessarily mean na by fire or force if you don’t feel the same. We all should learn to live out the things we want in a relationship and have fun as well as opposed to earning that title quick or putting labels on things. People learn to live…abeg juss live…..

    • gbegborun

      February 28, 2012 at 5:48 pm

      hear hear!!!

    • Purpleicious Babe

      February 28, 2012 at 10:17 pm

      U are right up my street (in cheryl cole accent)lol…

      I feel u mehn… as in….. well apart from what u mean by fun….for me living life to the fullest in a positive morally defined way and impacting others positively too…

      But boi. was i impressed with ur comment..



    • Jay

      May 4, 2012 at 11:14 pm

      Thumbs up! Well said!!!!!

  34. Eran Iya

    February 28, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    @ Forever Young u couldnt ve said it any better

  35. partyrider

    February 29, 2012 at 1:02 am

    This reminds me of my friend’s sister who is now married:
    3weeks after meeting her husband met her he proposed..3weeks! my friend asked him why he proposed sharp sharp like that he said “when you see something that you like and sure you want,why wait?”
    she told him to give her time to think about it,2weeks after she said they are married with a cute son 🙂

  36. Coco

    February 29, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    What of the guy that says he wants to be friends but he keep sending u “I miss you” messages and “I’m thinking about you” messages..

  37. Nok

    February 29, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    I guess, there’s one factor that hasn’t been discussed – the age factor. Sure in your late teens and early twenties, you’re dating for fun as you don’t have to worry about your biological clock ticking. But when you’re in your late twenties or thirties, I beg you need to ask early. But remember even if he says he’s looking for something serious, you still need to watch his actions – is he introducing you to family and friends as his girl? Does he involve/include you in his future plans. But never nag, if you asked once and he’s not backing his words with actions then break it off, rather than let it linger on.

  38. fish

    March 1, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Hmmm….. one thing i want u all to realise is that u may never be correctly calculative because no one knows what the future hold. asking early does not mean if he declares positive intentions, he can not change later… even when u get married that does not guarantee hapiness or faithfullness.. cos love can not be trusted because it can’t be understood. SO in all of this , all we can do is pray all the time and just live our lives to the fullest while God prepares true love

  39. nkechi

    March 1, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Beware of the guys who “want something serious” because they are time wasters, the ones who would lure you into series of abortions, high blood pressure, weight gain, age quickly, frustrations and paranoia. Then if you are lucky, and they finally put a ring on that finger, only God knows how more grey hairs you would have before get to walk down the aisle. Please be open to the meaning of the word: relationship. Go out for more dates, let there be goodnight kisses at your front door and after invite him up for coffee or wine. We all watch movies, lets learn to play it out and enjoy every bit of it. Marriage would come when it comes, but dont learn to see every man that say “hi” as a suitor oh. abeg! Besides there are other things to do sef with life. You can volunteer to save the children, or the UN or better still write a book!

    • Dii

      March 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm

      I go for writting a book or two

  40. nok10

    March 1, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    @ Nkechi: I hear you, but believe me when you get to a certain age and your biological clock starts to tick, you need to know if the guy wants something serious. When to ask depends on the circumstance because what works for one relationship may not work for another. Even if the guy says he’s looking for something serious, it doesn’t mean he’s your future husband, it just means that you can take the relationship out of the friend zone. I’ll give you an example, a friend dated this guy for years. They never brought up the ‘M’ word. She knew his friends/family and he knew hers. She just expected him to pop the question at some point. When she was going to turn be big three O, she finally asked him and guy said he wasn’t ready for a commitment and wanted to focus on his career. In short they broke up. He’s a guy he can marry late, women can’t put it off for too late. Plus the ratio of men to women leaves women at a disadvantage. You need to WATCH and pray o, cos women plenty – black, you are abroad – chinese, oyinbo, jamo, akata all looking. Its a jungle out there, lol! Sometimes I wish I were a guy, then I’ll feel more in control of my destiny. My dear sisters hang in there, act wisely, pray and do not compromise your values.

  41. wemimo

    March 1, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    wat bout a guy who is clear on his intentions to marry u bt suddenly pulls out cos he met someone else….still want to be friends with u too…is sick n annoying! arrrgh!!!

    • pretty me

      March 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

      yea i can so relate to so so annoying.

    • Bishop

      March 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

      Check yourself then……I suspect ur anger mgt issues dear. Work on that and the next one might stay.

    • Biola

      March 3, 2012 at 9:01 am

      Anger mngt issues? Mr Bishop, uve got me all confused! Advise: gbenusoun!

    • Zikora

      March 4, 2012 at 4:18 am

      That is disgusting. But they do it.

    • Bishop

      March 6, 2012 at 9:10 am

      Biola, rather than you to be honest with your friend wemimo, ure here talking crap. Yes, she should tame her temper which is known to all. And hey, am a lady. hahahaha

  42. Zikora

    March 4, 2012 at 4:17 am

    I think I have a better story. So Mr almost right,since that is their given name would actually do all the right things. call everyday, talk to your family and you talk to his. tell you about even his problems and all what not. but as always when asked where is this going. he tells you don’t worry your are number one on my list and then one day you find out on face book that he has may beautiful roads to ply. But I guess that is why he is My almost right. But Mr almost right is/ are dangerous to the Mid 30 year olds. but for someone who is in there ealrly twenty. enjoy the almost right. I had a lot of that growing up and I enjoyed every bit of it . The trick of the trade is when you the signals run like the wind. It is the most difficult thing but it will pay off. like one of the sister said. don’t let anyone give you gray hair.

  43. Jacme

    March 4, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    My take is that not every relationship must blossom into marriage. For those who use the “ticking biological clock” to justify their desperation, know that you are worst enemies. When a guy senses a bit of desperation, he gets a bit cautious also. In desperation you either exhibit too much TLC which is put off sometimes. The trick is have an open mind in starting any friendship or relationship, be yourself, pray and enjoy it whilst it lasts and hope for the best. If after 6 months signs of “seriousness” are lacking push him into the “friends zone” and make yourself available to others.

    It is tricky though, but it calls for absolute wisdom based in each situation.

    We should not forget that ladies do dump guys also, so it is not one-sided. We also need to know that marriage can make or mar a person’s life and destiny. So both ladies and guys need to be sure before any commitment. My little piece.


    March 5, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Let it breathe…

    Ladies should learn to be patient and objective when it comes to the matters of the heart. Not all friendships would lead to a relationship neither would all relationships lead to marriage. Allow the passage of time to guide your sense of judgment and reason through the process. Do not be quick to make blind justifications nor get caught in the web of clichéd expressions. You need to keep your wits about you even as your heart flutters and imagination accelerates. Constantly take cautious steps back for the sole purpose of re-analyzing and evaluating the ongoing dynamics of your alliance with that person. This is a healthy standpoint for your own good. If a guy tells you he’s not ready, it might be for clarification purposes and to avoid undue pressure. Set standards if you’ve got none, get better ones if you’ve got some. Be less driven by the motivation to get to the altar at all costs without putting into consideration the quality of the yarns you are gathering to create your marriage tapestry. Talk is cheap! Do not get carried away by that which is vocalized, for with practice, anyone can perfect the art of speaking without intent. Actions speak tons and it is only with time can you, almost without effort, create the opportunities for various scenarios wherein you can see one another react without inhibitions. Only then can you draw reasonable conclusions. The “Mr Almost Right” might turn out to be the right kind of person for you but your inability to calm down and take things on day at a time can wedge a permanent gulf in between you both. You may meet a guy who says he is ready for marriage but does that make him the right kind of man for you?


    • Aboki-b4

      March 8, 2012 at 7:10 am

      I’m proud of u my daughter. All that money spent on ur education was not in vain…lol

  45. Bishop

    March 5, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Rather than you to be honest with your wemimo friend, ure here talking crap. Yes, she should tame her temperwhich is known to all. And hey, am a lady…hahahah

  46. babydom

    March 6, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    it hasnt occured to people that there are no rules.What will be will be.

  47. Dii

    March 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Wish i had seen this article 2 years back!!!! sob!! sob!! the deed’s done though.

  48. izzy pizzy

    March 9, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    There are NO RULES OHHHH,
    Thanks to babydom. Im in a counter situation. This dude is almost the dream oh, he loves me and does all the nicey nicey stuff. The M word is what he has come for, im 24 and i believe there is still something better ahead. My worries right now,
    1. Mr right is 34/35.. I believe its too much for me. 10 years gap is really a whole lot. I see a lot of young couples on this site and im like y is he 34, why not 29.
    Point 2. is the next plan and i i’m looking for a more stable job, dude says he can wait for me coz im looking at marriage when ill be 26/27. Should i let him go? or stick with him.
    point 3: He is a marketer in one of the leading banks, I really don’t like that job, though he earns well.
    Ive been gambling with this man, but what if he is the one. He can handle my drama issues also. Help a sis BN readers’

  49. lilian

    March 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    the heart of men is wicked…even if he gives u d *yes/forever with u* sign he cud still be deceiving u..cuz bad guys are upping their ante nw..sum even get a masters degree in d game..only God has ur specil man in his custody..we should only ask him to connect us with dat man..

  50. brenda

    March 12, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    just like someone said earlier….a man will know if a lady “the one” within 30 mins of meeting her. but if after six months of dating you’re still clueless as to what his intentions for you are…then u berra ask the question sis!!! cos he he could just be hanging on cos of the free samples he’s getting from u but knows deep in his heart that u aint for him and wont hesitate to kick u outta his life like a bad habit when he sees wifey potential. asking him what he wants from you within the first 3 months of meeting him sounds deffinately desperate!!! can even send mr. right running the other way….but if done tactfuly can be very rewarding.

  51. temidayo

    March 13, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    wow!!….we could be a twinee(sort of)….went thru almst same th wiv ya…but mine was even funnier…itz on my blog…

    *cldnt post blog link cus schl block stuffs like dt..:( *

  52. Opsi

    March 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Nice and very mature comment by @Nubianwaters.

  53. Tarry17

    March 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    i could relate with the story. Same thing kinda happened to me twice before i realized i was been taking for granted. Well! the experience made me a better person and prepared me for the man i now found. Getting married in less than three weeks. To those seemly “Mr right” i say good riddance to bad rubbish!!!

  54. fabuloustee

    March 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    We gals, always fall victim of this scenariio played out. Just recently, i had such an experience, where i thought the guy was giving me a green light, and just when i responded with my own green light, the whole bulb got burnt.. lo and behold its darkness. Like someone commented, when a man wants you he goes all out to act. So right now, my resolve is to only act..whne the guy acts..

    • Eve

      May 11, 2013 at 7:02 am

      I have died laughing!!! I can totaling relate to this experience. May God have mercy on us!!!

  55. J-lo

    March 19, 2012 at 2:35 am

    I wish I had seen this article a few years ago. I had this colleague at work who while, in all fairness to him, never told me he wanted to date me, was with me 24/7. If you were looking for me, look for him and vice-versa. He used to come to my place at any time, knew all my family members and I knew his. All this time, I used to tease him and ask him about his girlfriend(s) and he always used to tell me there was none. I later found out that he was hiding his relationships and the babes he liked from me. Of course, I became emotionally attached because he was very nice to me and was always there for me- I too was always there for him. We were extremely close though it was strictly platonic.
    One sweet day, we had an argument over nothing serious. Prior to this time, over the years,we had had a few even more serious arguments but there was never any drama. Whoever was wrong would apologize and it would go back to business as usual. This time however, he stopped calling me and in fact, started keeping malice with me to the extent of passing me on the corridor without even greeting me. Meanwhile, he had borrowed some stuff from me which he only returned after several months when he was able to get his.
    I later heard that he was telling everyone that I was putting pressure on him and that he had been looking for a way to cut all ties with me for years and that he was really relieved now that it was over.He also said that I was telling everybody that we were dating which I never did.He always felt that when people cracked little jokes about our friendship or just plain asked outright why we weren’t dating,that it was because I was telling everyone that we were an item. Meanwhile, all this time, he used to come to my place at any time, eat freely, borrow money from me (he always paid back though) and was generally known everywhere as my closest friend.
    Unfortunately, I didn’t get to hear all he was saying till after I had tried to apologize and make amends- the argument was my fault.He wasn’t answering me well on the phone when I tried to apologize so I wrote him a small note- he later showed everyone in the office the note and he still has it to this day.
    He is still not talking to me – almost 6 years later though I try to greet him (just greet ) when I see him and he is still telling every new person that starts in the office that I was chasing him at one point and that he dealt with me and that I will never forget how he dealt with me.
    Unfortunately, we work in the same office so we see each other every day and he is always either downright nasty to me or goes out of his way to pointedly ignore me. I too make sure that as much as possible, I work around him.I am just keeping quiet because I don’t want to behave like him or hold any grudges against anybody but honestly, sometimes I feel very bad because he is just spoiling my name all over the place and of course, its a man’s world so nobody is asking for my own side of the story.
    The bottom line is that I have learnt my lesson.It has even changed the way I relate with my female friends. I used to be a very open, naive, trusting person before and so could easily be taken advantage of. I don’t see myself ever getting into such an undefined relationship again.I will relate with every guy like a friend, or better still acquaintance except he opens his mouth to say he wants more.Once bitten… After all, you have to be single to get married.

  56. mimisa

    March 22, 2012 at 9:53 am

    finally someone had to say her side of the story,
    well i almost faced the same issue as she did, there this colleague of mine, he was so good,kind and caring to me, and after some time he came to me and told me he had liked me and wanted us to try something out of that, i agreed, but kept it low, so he would come at my home cook, and do all those guuudy guudy staffs that couples do.
    After some time,we were all caught up with work , so we hardly meet, but as time was moving,he would hardly come at home or talk, though i know he is busy, cos even previously when he was busy he would come.
    So i popped up asking a question if, whats the status of our relationship, and he answered he doesn’t know where he is so how can he know where we are?…
    i kept it all low…swolled my heartbroken.
    But as days are moving, am falling in love with guy, so BN friends,should i tell him how i feel at the moment? cos am scared of another heartful answer, i see him everyday at the office, and whenever i see , my heartbeats goes way up.
    Please i need your advices… help a sister here..

  57. Anonymous

    March 23, 2012 at 2:33 am

    Time for a facebook share button!!! 🙂

  58. omozino

    March 26, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    @mimsa i have been in your shoes before and after defining it i feel more and more in love with this guy. it took me another 2 years after defining the relationship to get over him finally. i always thought he would still come around but he did not.
    my advice to you is to forget about him the earlier you do the better (you don’t wanna wait 2years), because you might even be chasing away potential people and if you think people around you do not know you’re in love then you are deceiving yourself cuz it can be perceived from a far.
    if you want to how i got over mine in detail check out this post on my blog
    hang on in there the best is coming for you!

  59. Kenny

    April 7, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Women una get wahala sha, after i read all of una comment i just conclude. una just think say marriage na everything. So person no fit get relationship for fun e must lead to marriage. Una think say marriage na bread and butter, if una don commit the guy finish, una go go seat down for corner dey shine eyes like cat way no fish steal or like hausa man wey dey beg money road. Marriage no dey rain again na old fashion. Enjoy relationship while it last if the dude feel you, e go tell you. If you like ask question from now till Jesus come, if e no go do am him no go do am. I rest my case

  60. Kenny

    April 7, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Na this marry issue make me give una chance ooooo every woman u meet na so so so marry or where the relationship dey lead us to, where una want make the relationship lead una to my goshhhh give me a break. Most women watin dey kill una be say una too dey forward make una let men be men, make una no dey put things for our head bc una dey confus us. Me i dey yan my own puaaaaa i no get time, if u ask me that question i just tell you e go lead us to heaven shikina where e go lead us to. If we end up put una for house sef, una no go let us rest with una wahala. I beg make i leave una if i follow una today, i go sleep.

  61. iamfascinating

    April 8, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    always ask.
    top skin products now available at

  62. jumysexy

    April 17, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!

  63. selma

    April 20, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Basically, i tink there are no rules, b yo self, trust God, B PATIENT! enjoy yoself and b happy! if he/she is goin to stay, nuthin stops it. Marriage is actualy d pursuit for hapiness, it coms with al- the good and bad, Theres no biological clock in God’s agenda.. and hes neva late so trust yo heavenly father.

  64. Christiana

    April 30, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Its not always d guy’s fault cos i feel we ladies shud have a drive into any relatnshp and dats a coming 2geda(marriage!).relly if his God’s perfect will of a man for u den it’ll be 2 clear 2 be a lie or 4 u 2 be decievd!! Speak words concernin wat u wnt 2 c, evn sow seed offerings..seriously!!

  65. Adetutu

    May 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Mehn, im giving this comment late but berra late than neva. I met this guy who seemed like the typical “boo”. He would call me, call me “hello love” and other pet names sef….infact, my office people started saying we looked like a pair, but i wasnt satisfied. so i used style syle ask am and guess what? he said he was planning to get married in 2 years and that his fiancee was even calling him on the other line sef…I immediately thanked my God and since then deviated from me. Abeg ask ooo my sisters!!!

  66. Retrochic

    September 26, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Guyz all this talk about asking questions, you can ask all the questions, but its not a gurantee that you would get honest answers, if a guy is truly in love with you, he will say it, he will be committed in every ramification, in the way he talks to you, he would make his intention known, because it is important to him and if a guy says you are free to meet other people then it is a strong indication that he is not really into that into.

  67. tolu

    September 28, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    am not left out in this ordeal too,in my case i asked severally but he said we were just friends,i gave him sometime but his response remained the same,i gave up on him after telling him how dissapointed and hurt i was,then he started to apologise and said he actually does love me and wants me to be his gf but he didnt tell me cos he doesnt “want my head to swell”.i thought to myself what a flimsy reason.tiil now i havent acknowledged his proposal and i dont think i will cos it doesnt feel right to be his gf after he has blown me off in conclusion,ladies should not be afraid to ask the questions and most importantly we shouldnt be afraid to work away

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