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Are We Dating Or Not? A BN Reader Shares Her Story

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We received an email from a BN reader who asked to remain anonymous. She wrote about her experience with a man she presumed she had a relationship with. At the time she sent the email, she was unsure as to what their relationship was and wanted the opinion of other BN readers. 

Today, she sent us an email saying the man in question got married last weekend. We are sharing the story as she requested and we hope you will provide some insight into how she should proceed. It might also serve as a good learning avenue for other people who are going through the same situation.

**

I jumped into a very inconveniencing taxi that hot afternoon in a hurry to meet up with my friend Sarah in Lekki all the way from Surulere. It was on that blessed 20th October 2012 afternoon and trust Lagos to be full of weddings happening at every event center. I was super excited when Sarah invited me to come as a handbag to a wedding. I didn’t know that marked the beginning of a beautiful journey with the most selfless man I have ever come across. He glitters only on the inside, so that makes him my own personal gold.

Throughout the ceremony, I didn’t notice him but was very certain that he noticed me and I could remember a certain person who struggled to get food and drinks served to us. As a foodie, I concentrated more on the small chops and not the hustler. Just at the time, I said to myself that ‘this is not the wedding to catch a husband’ and was hurrying out of the venue. Sarah drew my attention to a group of tall, handsome, drunk looking, not too young men. I got introduced, we conversed but no numbers were exchanged or even requested. Long story short, he actually told his friend to collect my number on his behalf (who does that really), that was how it began.

We hung out very often. He also complimented me a lot. He was my ideal man, tall, dark, big, handsome, intelligent, hardworking, respectful, humble, in charge (the boss), accommodating, perfect gentleman and all I could say was ‘thank you Lord for 20th October 2012’; but one big mistake that I made or I thought I made was he never officially asked me out. We just flowed and we had a lot in common and on one night he made a statement to me on how I was the girl he was dating and so that really checked box my assumption that I was on the right track dating the perfect man and having fun.

Like every relationship (or whatever it was) we had our downs and enjoyment times and well we were both mature adults so we handled every bit of it properly. Very caring man, willing to show you and try new things.He was a ladies’ man too as he had female friends but he never came out as a player, very reserved, always mingling with his very close guy friends.

Challenges started in December when I gave him a hamper as an Christmas gift, he appreciated it quite well, was surprised and grateful. He didn’t return the gesture with an exchange although I really didn’t mind, I would have loved a gift. December was a bit tricky because throughout the holiday I didn’t get to see him. Even though we live close to each other, he always gave an excuse of being in one state or the other and that time I was friends with a distant friend of his unbeknownst to him so anytime he said he was in Asaba, I would just trick my friend and get to know that he was actually in Lagos but I never wanted to stalk or surprise him.

I knew my guy was lying, I was bothered but also had my girlfriends occupying my mind with so much activity that holiday, I was even scheduled to travel but stayed back just to have fun with him but never for one day from 22nd December to January 2013 did I see him. I deleted my informant because I was tired of knowing the truth from him and hearing lies from my supposed man, so I just decided to assume he wasn’t lying but deep down, the trust was gone.

Before then, there had been so many lies. When he came back from London, he told me he landed in Abuja, and meanwhile he landed in Lagos. Cheap liar. How did I know? My source picked him from the airport and don’t worry he can never guess my source.

After the December drama, I actually stayed cool and always prayed that what is mine and would come to me, by then it was a new year. I was just living my life happily with no commitment but he was always sticking around as usual, (you know that whole thing when you try to get a girl’s attention, she becomes reluctant at first, then when she gives in, you all of a sudden start withdrawing) that was the definition of our relationship. If you say ‘he isn’t ready to commit’ then you are not far from the truth and if you also say ‘he is not that into me’, that maybe he just likes me as a friend – then I would close my eyes for a minute, take a deep breath, give you a tight hug and accept my fate because really you also must be very correct. That is why I decided to just do other things with my life and stay open minded and free.

Another episode happened during Valentine’s Day, we already talked a lot about it and I wasn’t even interested in buying anything for him at first, but most of our conversations stressed on the importance of showing love through gifts and since I liked him and wouldn’t mind, I made a last decision and planned for a surprise gift. This actually cost me some percentage of my January salary but since it’s all about giving, I didn’t mind. On that day, I started by sending SMS texts and gifts to my family, and then sent a SMS text to him, as his gift was going to be a late delivery. He called later in the day and asked how I was doing and then broke the news that he was in Asaba! I just ignored him and said ok. I played a smart move by calling his Lagos office directly, acted as a client, requested to transfer the call to him and who said hello? ‘Mr. Asaba’. I just made a short statement ‘I wanted to be sure it was your voice that I heard’ and bang.

Well, I ate the cake I already booked for him but I still sent him the other item because I couldn’t cancel and it was already delivered to him and it was a painting that only he could use. As usual I was a learner for the second time. Shockingly he still denied it was him I spoke to! He saw me that same weekend in a club with a colleague and was forming ownership asking for an explanation as why I was with some other guy in a club at that time of the night. I should have stayed at home and cried because my boyfriend didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with me and he lied for no reason.

My feelings switched off and I just liked him as a friend and learnt the hard way. We talked on and off, sometimes he would come so fast and so serious, then when you show a little attention, he disappears. All the festive days and holidays were always spent in Asaba according to him because ‘na him work pass’. I wondered if he had a girl he wanted to marry in that Asaba but he must have been really smart to be able to hide it although I don’t stalk. I thought to myself, maybe when I start digging, I will start finding, till then I’m still too young to chase a man. If you are dating me, it is a plus for you.

Fast forward to June 2013 which was his birthday, well I decided not to be a giver anymore. I shouldn’t be always giving especially when you are not an orphanage. So all I did was to celebrate him through BBM, text message and a call. He acknowledged it very well and as usual was in Asaba working on that day. Then came my birthday in July, he promised to send me a cake . Before I forget, he actually accused me of not giving him anything on his birthday. Guess what fellows? I didn’t get any cake and even the birthday call was late on that day, his excuse was that he was very busy. It didn’t make home girl get less than she deserved on her birthday from friends and family. May I add that the first time he actually visited and sat down in my house was when I was sick and off work, he came to visit, these are the kind of people that would buy you the most expensive casket and fly your corpse to your village but never gave you money to buy food and look beautiful when you were alive.

We are off now but good friends, call whenever you remember each other, no intimacy, no attachments, just casual friends, nothing more. I even told him to come let’s have a discussion and the guy came with his friend. Unserious 35 year old man, well I pray he would wake up one day and get committed – hopefully with me or with any other good girl out there. Till then I wish him well. You can share your thoughts on this or if you are going through something similar, how have you been able to deal with it?

**Editor’s note: Just before we published this. We got another email from the young lady whose story we have shared.

May I add that the most interesting part of this story is that the guy just had his traditional wedding on Saturday 30th of November 2013 and of course without letting me know. Funny enough we spoke on the 28th of November and he seemed all normal and touchy. Wow, do I feel bad? I feel like cursing him but well I’m okay. I have been a side chick all this while but he did it so well that I would never have caught or doubted him. I wonder where the girl has been all this while, like I never noticed. Maybe she was abroad. Anyway, it all makes sense – why he wasn’t available at some notable dates and why he has been having issues. He is not still picking my calls till today. He is apparently dodging me. Well I wish him well and I know karma is a b***h. One more thing, being a nice girl doesn’t pay at all. Hope you can publish this story and I hope I find my man better than this devil in human clothing.

Photo Credit: madamenoire.com

160 Comments

  1. Africhic

    December 5, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    hmmmmm. Been there and done that, you knew deep within that he was playing you, but you were hoping. Any guy you have to keep making excuses for is not worth it

    • Purpleicious Babe

      December 5, 2013 at 10:27 pm

      Yes 100% agree with Africhic… You kinda knew besides you
      had the informer..surely he wasn’t worth the effort. Am sorry I
      don’t feel sympathetic cos you knew he was dodgy. Its a learning
      process now. x
      lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • Plato

      December 6, 2013 at 2:33 am

      Being a nice girl might pay but being a stupid girl doesn’t. You clearly knew he was probably seeing someone he was more serious about and you continued to hope that he will come to you. With the way he was committed to the other girl, he would have come to you only as his second option, NOT his priority.
      My words to you might sound harsh but go and celebrate his marriage, you dodged a MISSILE.

    • nancy

      December 6, 2013 at 8:00 am

      Plato thanks for your comments, you hit the nail on the head. This is a clear case of her refusing to listen to the voice of reason. The signs were there and tooo glaring at that. She chose to ignore them. He is not even a good player, a good player will buy you gifts, spend all the important dates/days with you and the real chick somehow. But this guy made it so obvious that you were not important. I’m sorry it happened to you but this has been shown to us in many movies and sent a million times via bbm broadcast, if he is always travels on valentine day, Christmas day, his birthday, etc, he is spending it with someone more important than you. I hope you have learnt your lessons. Being a good girl does pay.

      Belledazzy.blogspot.com

    • Berry Dakara

      December 6, 2013 at 1:01 pm

      100% TRUE!!! There were too many signs. Ii won’t belittle the girl because I’ve been there before and I know how hard it can be. But thank God for His mercies, because you would have had to deal with a lying, cheating husband.

    • drjay

      December 7, 2013 at 9:37 am

      word! the signs were there jor… lies are always pressure
      points…

    • If-ii

      February 25, 2014 at 5:31 pm

      word…. i agree. u dodged a lifetime missile

    • Blessmyheart

      December 6, 2013 at 11:05 am

      There are times we hang on to what is clearly not working. It was obvious the guy was lying yet she still held on to him. I know it’s sometimes difficult to let go but to decide you no longer want to hear the evidence of his lies is the height. On the other hand, why do some men behave this way?

  2. chikita

    December 5, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    similar thing happened to me my dear…being a nice girl doesnt always pay… you need to give the guy something to respect so always sending gifts and dropping everything for him all the time is not always best..Lord help us all sha.

    • annonymous

      December 6, 2013 at 5:20 am

      I don’t really see how being a nice girl has anything to do with the poor choices she made.

    • bella

      December 8, 2013 at 6:20 pm

      thank you oh!!

  3. babysco

    December 5, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    awwww.so sad.menh girls go through a lot.I pray you find love and a guy that will comfort and cherish you and help you forget the past

  4. jc

    December 5, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    You started this story painting the guy as the most perfect of men, your dream man and your own personal gold and now when he dumps you to marry someone else you end the story calling him a devil….What happened to the man that made you thank God for 20th Oct?

    • N

      December 5, 2013 at 8:50 pm

      Barely any guy shows you his true behaviour till you get to know him. That’s basically what she is trying to say. When someone you know and love stabs you in the back do you carry on saying the person is the man of your dreams because you once felt that?… doubt it.

  5. Miss_Flygerian

    December 5, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    WOW!!! I would have stopped talking to him the moment he started lying about being in Asaba. He didn’t even have the courtesy to exchange gifts, that would have been another red light to me. This brings back to mind the latest Toke video “signs a woman is fed up”, ain’t nobody got time to be in an aimless relationship.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      December 5, 2013 at 10:36 pm

      Trust….
      if only women cued on this then all these sob stories would be coming from the dudes.

  6. madman

    December 5, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    Why do Nigerian women like to punish themselves?

    • Nike

      December 5, 2013 at 10:36 pm

      thank you my dear. Obvious she knew the guy was lying to her. Why bother staying?

    • Deevah

      December 5, 2013 at 11:06 pm

      Why are Nigerian men such lily livered punks?

    • ami

      December 5, 2013 at 11:11 pm

      This is not generic to Nigerian women.

    • mira

      December 5, 2013 at 11:13 pm

      AS IN!!! From the time he started lying about it it. She brought her own problems on her head, talking about I didn’t want to know he was lying to me. WHY ELSE would he lie about where he was if he didn’t have someone else. I can’t even feel sorry for this particular lady although I know people that were duped by some very malicious crafty guys….but that’s not the case here jor.

    • Boondocks

      December 6, 2013 at 3:26 am

      God bless u my sister….the struggle is real for this side chick

    • LILO

      December 6, 2013 at 6:58 pm

      HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  7. HOPE

    December 5, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    i’ll come back for the comments.but seriously,i think you should have known he wasn’t that into you.

  8. tobee

    December 5, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Sorry fr u gurl.thnk God u caught him red handed afterall.but frm ur story,u shdnt ve bin caught unawares by this serial man cos his behavior al dis while told you he wasn’t T-H-A-TTT in to you. Pls carry go wth ur life,u deserve better than ds liar nd cheat…….wat kind of woman enjoys ds kind of man,not even d woman he married on d 30th of nov!

  9. Pat

    December 5, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    So touching. But I feel u contributed to it. Shld hv confronted him whn u first noticed d lies and deception instead of playing s ostrich. U let him take u for a ride. Better luck nxt time though. Hope u learnt ur lessons. U r too valuable to be toyed with by any man. Don,t gv them tht opportunity.

    • Mizzchievous

      December 6, 2013 at 10:19 pm

      Please tell me how she should have confronted him? Let me tell you something when you stalk your man and then find out he lied to you. You can’t confront him, how do you start telling him you used an informer. It’s not that easy Biko. If you found out about it ‘legally’ ehen you can talk about confronting him. For example, It’s like stalking your guy’s tweets when you do not have a twitter, then you want to confront him about something he said. Where you go start?

    • Nuzzles

      December 6, 2013 at 10:31 pm

      Aunty Pat, Please tell me how you would go about confronting the pesin? It’s not that easy jare. Especially when she obtained the information from an informer. You can go and just tell him you know he is lying, the information was obtained ‘illegally’. If she caught him red handed ehen she fit get small mouth. You can’t confront him for information you got through stalking, sounds somehow. For example, let’s say a girl is stalking her man on twitter and claims not to have a twitter account, then he tweets something maybe about not having a relationship. How does she confront him when she got that information through orthodox means. It’s not that easy.

  10. new gurl

    December 5, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    Story story.. Once upon a tym.. Tym tym!

  11. iba

    December 5, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    This is a sad sad sad heartbreaking story. I wish i could share some life experience here but i have never ever absolutely never been treated this harshly in all my romantic life.
    I call it ”harshly” because somethings i read even before the final bombshell that he was married was simply unacceptable to me. You cant love someone unconditionally and treat them that shabbily.
    Lady lady people will come here and perhaps cuss you out in a while or call you a learner but i spare you. I hope you have learned a lesson and others are learning as well. You need to hold yourself in HIGH ESTEEM. Are you a christian or perhaps belong to another sort of religion that teaches you WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND SHOWS YOU YOUR WORTH. Dont let anyone treat you like that ever again. Even if you are old and are feeling worried that the marriage ship is about to sail, KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE THE BEST.
    Don’t try to call this dude again YOU NOR DEY TIRE SEF? (i was actually shocked when i read that bit that you still tried to contact him)
    He has nothing to say other than a limp apology. Leave him alone to his conscience (if he has any) and leave everything at the feet of Jesus (or whomever you serve)
    You don’t want to be a mistress do you? LEAVE HIM ALONE.
    Good luck honey. I am sure when you meet yours, you will remember your time with this man and thank God almighty that you dodged this bullet.

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      December 5, 2013 at 9:07 pm

      Amen o! Know your worth always and UPHOLD it even when it hurts.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      December 5, 2013 at 9:21 pm

      I think she may have been seeking some closure (re the calling him after yawa had gassed). Regardless of how messy it all got, she deserved an explanation or at the very least, answers to a few questions.

      The way some Naija brothas just cut relationships off like they’re severing a limb without anesthetic get as e be, sha. I’m always curious, how do they manage the culture change when they’re with oyibo babes? We, their sistas, don dey very numb concerning the kini but those oyibo gals never hard reach oh, dem fit sink into psychological instability…

    • Purpleicious Babe

      December 5, 2013 at 10:49 pm

      @MS A.
      Am sorry which closure could she be seeking? why? what will that do for her life? Will it change anything? Sometimes when people show their acts, the best thing to do is to learn from it and leave that situation. Don’t concern yourself with the person or their life. Just move on.
      She made it seem like she got over him plus had moved on? so what closure is she seeking per say. She is young and she will learn like everybody. You don’t seek closures from people that act like scumbags, telling lies, living, breathing and sleeping lies..In fact the ‘lies’ have become truth to them.. Which closure, another lies? Closure should be the last thing on her mind, she should be happy like she said and stay happy.

    • Guys Perspective

      December 5, 2013 at 10:57 pm

      Mz S A and co, in the spirit of not stringing someone
      along, and cutting relationships properly, I need your counsel on
      executing one properly, met a gorgeous lady through mutual friends
      a couple of months ago, it took a while for her to agree to go on a
      date with me, but finally over time, we got to hang and spend
      quality time together, after getting to know her better (FYI there
      has been no sexual intimacy involved), I realized we are not
      compatible, given that our perspectives on many things are
      extremely different, and she is not what I really want, even though
      it may sound cliché, she is an amazing person in her own way. She
      has grown to become very interested in the idea of “us”, and I
      would rather not string her along. How best do I break this news to
      her? I am sure she will want very specific reasons, but often
      times, the reasons only make sense to the bearer of the news, which
      makes it often preferable not to mention specific reasons, that
      might damage the other person’s self-esteem.

    • iba

      December 5, 2013 at 11:20 pm

      Each to their own if it were me, i would never contact this
      man for an explanation i dont need an explanation or closure if i
      have been treated this badly i already know ive been played silly
      i’d just move on and let him carry on with his new life

    • Lizzie

      December 5, 2013 at 11:50 pm

      @purplelicious babe, people need closure. That’s the best
      way to deal with this kind of junk faster. She will get over
      him.

    • Non professional opinion

      December 6, 2013 at 12:55 am

      This “closure” is what puts so many girls in trouble.
      Sometimes the answer to “why did you dick me around for 2 years?”
      is simply “why not?”.

    • Blessmyheart

      December 6, 2013 at 11:38 am

      @Guy Perspective, though you didn’t mention my name I won’t mind giving my own perspective. I think you should not try to take the easy way out. She is going to be hurt regardless of the manner you pass the message across so just have a discussion with her and let her know all the reasons you want to break off the relationship. Try to be as open as possible. You may even find out that the issues you have can be worked out.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      December 6, 2013 at 1:01 pm

      @ Guy’s Perspective, fair enough. Just be human about it, imagine how you’d like your sister or a beloved female relative/friend to receive the news & I understand what you mean about not wanting to divulge details which may be taken the wrong way.

      Meeting for drinks might be a good setting, dinner wouldn’t be appropriate. And don’t be too flowery in your delivery, no need to raise expectations only to dash them seconds later. You’ve enjoyed her company & think highly of her as a person, so you want to just clarify your stance about anything romantic so that you’re not leading her on.

      I hope she’s got her big girl pants on and takes the news without too much rancour. All the best, mate.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      December 6, 2013 at 1:26 pm

      @PB & NPO, I disagree. Closure is good for the mental state even if nothing about the reality changes. You’d be surprised at how an answer like “because I could” gives a chick the release to finally appreciate how much of a d**k her fella really was 🙂

    • Ekwitosi

      December 6, 2013 at 4:23 pm

      Lessons learnt I can share with a mentee – Never to assume and always get clarification, secondly never seek closure because seeking closure will make you do things that you should never do that in the future you wish someone had given your younger self a lecture.
      @ MSA you don’t want me to start with our brothers and foreign chicks because the tori too long!

    • Ekwitosi

      December 6, 2013 at 5:56 pm

      @Guy’s Perspective, there is never a perfect time to do it but procrastination makes the hurt greater. She may not see it now but she will thank you later. It is only a guy that is decent enough that would tell a lady that they are not into them early enough because you might string her along and still tell her in two years. Unfortunately women always think they can change situations, which sometimes puts us into trouble.
      @MSA supposing he does not want to give you closure, what do you do? This conversation is never pleasant no matter how matured you want to be it usually doesn’t end well.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      December 8, 2013 at 2:22 am

      [email protected] Ms A. In this context. closure is unnecessary. Closure
      when the relationship was never defined from the get go even if it
      was he could still lie through his teeth. I think closure no matter
      what causes more confusion. I laugh in Mandarin, the Guy couldn’t
      give a rat ass about anything. Anyways, this discussion on closure
      just inspired my new post. lol.
      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • Ready

      December 6, 2013 at 11:12 am

      @Guy’s Perspective…you seem like a good guy. But it’s better to tell her sooner rather than later, so that she can get detached from the idea of “we” that you say she’s getting attached to. You should start the conversation knowing that she may still consider you a bad guy who strung her along, but dating is getting to know each other, and you have the right to decide she’s not what you need. Unless she’s an unreasonable person, you should be honest without being insensitive. I don’t think you should do it in a “We need to talk” type of way….just slip it into normal conversation. Like, when a topic that you both vastly disagree occurs, you can say something like “Things like this make it very obvious that we’re too different…” Hopefully, she can pick it up from there, and you both can talk it out.

    • whocares

      December 6, 2013 at 3:11 pm

      that’s not straight forward, and slipping it into conversation like that may sound accusatory like he thinks there is something wrong with her, when that is not the case. you need to be a man about this mate, be straightforward, and tell it as it is. if she is as lovely and put together as you said she is, then she will be fine. like someone pointed out you were both dating to find out if you both belong together. if she is not it for you, then let her know asap so you don’t waste her time. it will hurt more if you string her along.

    • Guys Perspective

      December 6, 2013 at 5:45 pm

      Mz S A., Blessmyheart, Ready, whocares et al, thanks for the advice. I really needed that, and I will make sure to handle this before Christmas, so I can ring in the New Year with a clear conscience.
      Also a word of advice for women (single and married), stop making excuses for us. It’s either you are dating him or not, and for married women, stop allowing your husbands to live like they are still single, and yes I said it been busy is not a valid excuse, using myself as example, I average 12 hour workdays, and so do most of the guys in my circle, in all of this madness, we still make out time for the things we care about wives, girlfriends, FIFA 2014, and occasional nights in the meat packing district & flatiron neighborhood etc. The summary of my story is that if he cares, he will definitely spend his time with you and spoil you silly even when he has meager resources. And brothers we can definitely do better.

    • Ekwitosi

      December 6, 2013 at 7:42 pm

      @Guys Perspective it took me a while but I have arrived at this same conclusion like you stated it. I used to make excuses but I used myself as an example because anything or anybody I care about I go a long way to show how I feel or how important that thing is to me. Sometimes I wish I could get a chance to give my younger self a stern lecture. Some of the things I did were not necessary. All in all the more straight forward the less complicated because you may go a different way and you will find out that she will misconstrue the message you are trying to pass and another wahala will start from there!

  12. Mercee

    December 5, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    1. Get English lessons. 2. Get English lessons again! I can’t believe I wasted my time reading this.

    • dame

      December 5, 2013 at 8:53 pm

      English lesson ke. who r u..shakespeare’s adopted child? abeg take several seats…u think this is NECO or JAMB

    • olori Tari

      December 5, 2013 at 9:32 pm

      Lmao .. best response !

    • Nike

      December 5, 2013 at 10:37 pm

      lmaoooo. you are very harsh o.

    • intheoverseas

      December 5, 2013 at 11:25 pm

      Wow! I thought that I was the only one with this opinion.
      It felt like she was “gisting” the readers. Please BN try working
      with contributors to ensure quality in your articles, this was
      torture. Thanks

    • zeee

      December 6, 2013 at 5:22 am

      But as she was gisting the readers nko? Did she say she was a writer? Oversabi

    • intheoverseas

      December 6, 2013 at 7:57 pm

      @Zee please shut your dirty trap! Do you have to be a writer before you construct a simple prose? Its people like you that revel in demonstrating sub par efforts and supporting them with foolish justification like the one you mentioned above. Hiss!! BN please post!

    • zeee

      December 7, 2013 at 6:55 am

      LMAO! Why the heck are you so pained?

    • BubblyBliss

      December 6, 2013 at 12:12 am

      English tea-sha: is it get lessons or take lessons? mbok
      edu-ket me

    • suku

      December 18, 2013 at 2:34 pm

      lmao!

    • Boondocks

      December 6, 2013 at 3:43 am

      @Mercee and @intheoverseas…….yall are sooo right. the first part and half part of the story is everywhere am like “can this side chick get to the point”? but am too much of an amebo to stop……

    • nene

      December 6, 2013 at 10:10 am

      i agree abeg, the babe english tire me!!!!

  13. Mary Claret

    December 5, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    Wow, I was so annoyed reading this from beginning to end. It’s quite a shame that you were treated this way. Your ideal man will come my dear; he is obviously not the one for you. Better a broken “relationship” than a broken marriage….PS, why would you even call him after all he did to you. When you realized he was married, what else were you calling for? Of course he would be a coward and dodge your calls…typical

  14. viva

    December 5, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    ?

  15. ankara

    December 5, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Wow….interesting read. Sometimes what we want is not what God wants for us. This might be a blessing in diguise for you. Life goes on and what goes around will surely comes around. I am sure yours (man) is waiting for you somewhere. But pls, dont pay evil with evil…..

  16. TheTruth13

    December 5, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    Wow, it happens to the best of us hun. Remember he will get what is coming to him, in life you reap what you sow. Cheer up dear, I pity his wife if anything. Men of today, smh. Thats why im as cold as ice.

  17. Sharon

    December 5, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    Well you knew all this while but you were probably blinded….. don’t be too hard on yourself dear you were never his woman period. ladies please define your relationships from the very start. DON’T LET ANY MAN ROMANCE YOUR HEART USE YOUR HEAD!!!!! am outta here…

  18. WomantoWomanCry

    December 5, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    Well Well Well i had the same issue back in UNI i was after “FINE BOY” this guy had stories for christmas, ok feb 14 i got a gift and he did nt take his call after we made plans….his birthday we made plans ooo, this guy did nt take calls form me on that day or the day before to find out how to meet up.

    funny thing is he was recicieving my bbm messages but will nt reply, he did know how it worked then.. back 2011.. ok na my birthday the silly guy turned up, spent it with him sha cos i did nt want to be alone and wanted to get some hehehe…

    Ok how did we break up? i went to visit after my final year exams for a week, we went out for a meal lololol his phone rings and he picked up and guess what he told the caller…

    chei!

    i came out to eat cos there was no food in the house… WHAT??? i kept quite and when we got home i had it with him and packed my bags and left.. good thing i went to paris with my sister and her friends the next week and when i got back i did nt call him…. now he is the one who is interested now.. HELL NO WHAT WAS I THINKING THEN? silly am with the perfect guy now and married and settled.. I THANK GOD!

    The things ladies go through eh. hmmmm

    • *Real* Nice Anon

      December 5, 2013 at 9:10 pm

      [email protected] There was no food in the house. Ndo jare.

    • Firstlaydeee

      December 5, 2013 at 9:59 pm

      We just need to know when its enough to deal with crap from men , and that is the first step needed moving on .

  19. peyton

    December 5, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    Always define your relationships. You had all the dirt on him and you still continued sista sha you have learnt you were nt dating you were just his side chic his alternative

  20. Marthilda

    December 5, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    Its no use confronting such men, if you know the truth just walk away. Theres no use to cause more harm to yourself,you are too precious….keep this in mind

  21. mama mia!!!

    December 5, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    Not all men are bad, but, most make it so easy for us to think so. Been, in this same pit as well, only not as bad. Cause, he is not married yet and I didn’t give him the opportunity to. Being “too busy” in a relationship only means one thing to me. You are not ready! After I heard that for 3 months I left without looking back and when I mean left, I mean deleting him from all social media and totally ignoring any form of relationship we ever had. Never picked his calls and saved his no under ‘Never Pick’ being nice has nothing to do with being weak. Time is money!!! And I for one do not have the patience for time wasters but I’m really nyc o…lol Girl, you’ve learnt your lesson ain’t no shame in that, just never be that Naive… cheers.

  22. been there...

    December 5, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    if i should share my own experience you’ll cry for me!my is even a gigolo.i hear he uses both male and female.i thank God he has sisters nieces,cousins coz karma will deal with his family for all the innocent girls he has used… and still using.

    • Audrey

      December 9, 2013 at 10:10 am

      Chai! I thought I was the only one oh. @been there, I found myself in the same soup. I found out he was a gigolo, bisexual, Liar extraodinaire. At the time we were breaking up I didn’t know he was even gay/bisexual, whatever. It was his lies and lack of care that made me break up with him. In trying to get closure, I started talking to him again and that’s when I found out all this and He’s preparing to get married in a few weeks to someone’s innocent daughter, i pity the Lady! Initially, I was devastated that I wasted my time on someone like this but I’m grateful to God that he took me out of such a dangerous situation. My dear, relax Karma will screw him up for you.

  23. Moi

    December 5, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    I always joke that the difference between a black man and a white man is – You meet a white man and in the first few minutes, he’ll mention “my wife this or my girlfriend that” , but a black man…(Eleda mi o LOL), two years of knowing him, you wont know hes’s married. Sighs
    And as they say..women can fake an orgasm but men can fake the whole relationship. I tire jare.
    Move on dear and thank your God that you didnt end up with a man like him.

  24. Debo

    December 5, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    Let me start off by saying – This man is NOT and has NEVER been your friend. Friends dont lie to you. Stop using the “we are friends” excuse to hold on to bad rubbish

    Now I’ll adress the obvious. You had a highly exaggerated perception of how wonderful this man was (or wasn’t, as it turns out). Basically, you were looking at glass and calling it diamond. Love makes us see things with rose colored glasses so when he showed obvious red flags like lying to your face and being conviently away on holidays, you still found reasons to keep him around using the bitter pill known as “he’s a good friend”. You rewarded him for bad behaviour, buying gifts that he clearly did not deserve on ANY occasion.

    A man once told me that men frequently try to see exactly what they can get away with and women who repeatedly stick around after a man treats them wrong show that they have poor boundaries. To stay around to let someone walk all over you shows insecurity. Without him apologizing for his wrong doings, keeping him around under the guise of friendship & giving gifts just reeks of desperation.

    But what is done is done. We have all been there. Dont ask for closure. The type of closure you want – he cant give you.

    Finally – WHY ARE YOU STILL CALLING HIM AFTER YOU FOUND OUT HE WAS MARRIED? He didn’t tell you for a reason and isn’t picking up the phone for a reason – HE didnt choose YOU. Hiss loss. Delete him from your life. He has already taken so much of your time, affection and money – are you hanging around to let him have more? Eff that. Eat Haagen Daz, cry, watch anything with Idris Elba in it, hang out with your TRUE friends, have faith, have patience and say “F Him” anytime that you remember that momofuku.

    • Lamide

      December 6, 2013 at 4:36 pm

      hahaha, i luv the last part of your comment. Make she go watch Idris Elba jare

  25. ohgawd!

    December 5, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Never assume with a man…never…
    assumption is a MTF*Ker!
    Be asked out, on fabulous dates, a man must commit his emotions and wallet to you…yes wallet, the baby says where the heart is, so is the dough…all those free gifts…for what now?
    Well you have learnt your lesson, for those reading and you are having this niggling feeling this may you…it is YOU! Now would be a nice time to sprint off

  26. u saw fire and stayed in

    December 5, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Babe I don’t even understand dis long epistle. All d signs were there na. Not even signs alone, all his behaviours n misbehaviours. This is a clear case of ‘u do not tell a blind man dat his roof is leaking’ No advise/consoling/sympathy for u biko

  27. Mee

    December 5, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    hmmmmm. not easy at all. am in the sam boat as u, eventhough he does not disappear on special dates. i believe God will give us our own men at the right time

    • my love

      December 5, 2013 at 10:12 pm

      Thanks BN for sharing this.

  28. Firstlaydeee

    December 5, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    Funny thing is i can relate to this , i met a guy through a friend and we dated for a year , eight months of that year he sent in Nigeria constantly giving me excuses of not been able to come back , I live in Dublin , he finally back after a week he made an excuse of having to go back Nigeria. We went back to phone calls , i was naive and did not notice all what i should have , how he only answered one in every 30 text messages i sent him , late night work meetings not picking his call for days and blaming it on network. He accused me of cheating which i did , watin person for do nah ? , three weeks after that he stopped picking my calls , i called over a hundred times , sent several messages pleading , cursing everything . I went to Nigeria to make things right ” I am an unemployed student ” , he make an excuse saying it was my fault and i was forgave him and history repeated it self . That showed me to get over him . So a man like that is not worth a second of any woman’s time or attention , you deserve better and so do I , yet we find our selves attracted to men who just want to play with our emotions.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      December 5, 2013 at 11:47 pm

      (Ok, its weird I know replying to comments). I guess am
      that bored today. lol I think the underlined word is “Attraction”
      which you mentioned. Attraction is very fleeting. so I think once
      we understand that its cool. Btw, attraction is not Love so when
      people use the word “love” ermmm no clue. I blame the
      culture&media. a) If you find that you are attracting such
      men, then some things need to change some things that makes the guy
      think he can take you for a right mug. b) Don’t allow anyone to
      play with your emotions. Keep it under check. Sometimes what we go
      through is because we allow it. So if you allow it then you can
      only regret, cry, learn from it and stay happy.
      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

  29. nnn

    December 5, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    If you have to speculate, then you are not.

  30. Iris

    December 5, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    My dear you dodged a bullet. Thank God for your blessings. I can identify. When you’re in it, you find a way to justify the ridiculous things he does or says and when your eyes open you look back and go “na me be this?” Advice for the future: please do not call this person your friend and do not try to contact him. If you try to maintain any sort of relationship with him you may become a side chick again, and this time he’ll be married so it’ll be even worse. We need to acknowledge that we have weaknesses and know how to deal with them. In fact, after reading my comment, do the right thing and misplaced his contact info forever. You don’t have to be nasty about it. Just let him become a stranger, pretty much like a stranger on the road.

  31. Iris

    December 5, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    I meant “misplace”

  32. Simdamsel

    December 5, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    The Lord is your strength , some men are a** ,God go do beta one wey go stay.

  33. V

    December 5, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    You continued contact with the man after he lied to you and bought him a second gift. You wanted to be played. Open your eyes and pay attention. Leave when he lies. Cry your tears now and recover quickly. Who has time for these games? I certainly don’t.

  34. ajus

    December 5, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    Oh dear it’s a pity and from all indications you love him more than he loves you. You ought to have taken a stand when you found out he was lying but you stood still. It is so clear that he started losing interest from that moment. please dont bother to call him save your class and pride please. I wish you well and take your time before you get into another relationship.
    NB: ladies please be aware that some guys are after the body and some material things so make sure you observe him before you give in. Some men leave after getting what they want NOT ALL!
    Relax one day you’ll get a better man right at your door step.

  35. Temmy

    December 5, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    I can absolutely relate with this story. I have been there but in my own case we asked me out. We started dating when i was in my 4th year and he was leaving for NYSC.. Nice girl that i was, i went to the market to buy all sorts of provisions for him so that he can take along to camp. The bobo told me he was going to camp, not knowing he was going to see the main chick in Akure. Infact, i received a phone call from the girl saying”I saw the gifts you bought for my fiance; he is sleeping now and when he wakes, he will give you a call”— I almost fainted that day and to think i was preparing for my exams. To cut the story short, the bobo always give me the excuse that i should not mind whosoever calls me, that they are simply jealous of our relationship- All through the 8 months that we dated( i dnt even know how i survived for the 8 months sef) it was hell. I knew the guy was not faithful but you know what people say about “one’s first love”. I was ready to make it work, accept him back with open arms and i constantly wait for his prodigal return while he is out there wining and dining with the devil, . Looking back now, i am happy i took that BOLD STEP( was one of the toughest decisions i have ever made) to let go. I moved on, wiped off my tears, and i made up my mind that the next guy would bear the brunt of what someone made me go through. Thankfully, i am engaged to an amazing guy and i cant wait to get married to him come June next year.

    So my dear, wipe off your tears, move on, and please stop calling him. I believe your lots wont pass you by. I am sure God is going to give you the best because you deserve it. Make a decision to love again and dont let another man bear someone’s sins. * Sorry for the typo*

  36. Temmy

    December 5, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    * would not bear the brunt*

  37. Dr. N

    December 5, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    Women have a natural instinct to nurture but what u must
    learn is not everyone deserves your nurture. Just as pet lovers
    don’t go around kissing pythons and tigers that are not tame, so u
    shd not pour yourself into every Tom, Dick, n Harry, no matter how
    handsome. I’m concerned about the no of ladies out there taking
    care of hustlers. Look out for yourself, no one else s
    will

  38. Dr. N

    December 5, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    To the Lady involved, forgive him and move on. If u wait
    for him to apologise, he will give u something to think about.
    http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com

  39. Product of public Education

    December 5, 2013 at 11:37 pm

    Seen……

  40. Chigbo

    December 5, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    You should stop calling him please…..afterall he’s a
    married man now. Have some dignity please Also, from the get go
    when he asked his friend to collect your number instead of
    collecting it himself, you should ve asked him to try the next
    available girl……he’s not serious.

  41. Chigbo

    December 6, 2013 at 12:02 am

    The other thing is that I ve seen several men like this……they have their steady girlfriend who they want to marry but the enjoy wasting other people’s time and toying with their emotions

    That’s how one small boy from my secondary school days stood me up not once , not twice but thrice when we arranged to meet and just catch up for lunch date. Then several months later comes on BB professing his love for me, how he’s always loved me and never meant to stand me up and so on and so forth.

    This is someone that will not even say a word to me on BB for months on end.

    Anyhow, I told him to take several seats and not pull that shit with me. Me sef God don bless me with my own bobos who has never starved me of attention by this time so I knew what a normal loving relationship should be like . Lo and behold, several weeks after this telling off he puts up a DP with himself and his bride in wedding attire…..lmao

    All these men have psychiatric imbalance wallah I…….lol

    Me sef my wedding day is approaching praise be to God!!!

    • Blessmyheart

      December 6, 2013 at 11:50 am

      I can relate to your story. One boy like that stood me up on my birthday! I was on my own with no plans for that particular birthday when he offered to take me out. The annoying part was that another friend offered to take me out but I said I already had a date. Only for this guy to not show up and stop picking his calls. Then you will now come and be professing love. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect and treat me right. Let me not even talk about the lies. Women have suffered sha

  42. Alexis

    December 6, 2013 at 12:04 am

    sorry he messed up but if i may ask, he was lying all dis while and always absent on imp occasions and u were shocked that there was another girl! alot of us girls cause problems for ourselves. He was consistently lying, for me that was enough sign for u to leave

  43. marculey

    December 6, 2013 at 12:23 am

    The question is, those girls getting married every Saturday
    re they supernaturally blessed or don’t they see faults in their
    folks b4 marriage? Me self I wonder ooo cos sometimes it feels like
    everyone is against u, is it that there are some spiritual problems
    attached to it or its our stupidity? On a normal theses things
    happen to everybody not to lie about it but ur ability to scale
    through makes u stronger nd prepares u for ur dream or ideal man
    God have created for u. Cheers everyone I had worse till I finally
    quitted cos u won’t know when the sea drowns u.

  44. viva

    December 6, 2013 at 12:35 am

    Assumption…..makes and ASS of U and ME! Do not assume in
    a relationship: life is time, take the bull by the horn; ask
    questions like an inquisitive toddler! Most of all keep your legs
    crossed! hey sisters, the deceivers NEVER hang around if they know
    they aint getting some!

  45. Anonymous

    December 6, 2013 at 12:43 am

    Girl, what’s up with this long ass letter? anyhow, you knew this man was not into you, i’m sorry to say that you deserve how this man treated you because you teach people how to treat you! you should have put your foot down the moment you find out he was lying about his whereabouts and should never have tolerated his lies point blank period! With that been said, dust yourself off and stop harassing this married man. Learn from the experience and charge it to the game my dear.

  46. Anon

    December 6, 2013 at 12:53 am

    Easier said than done……sometimes I wish I didn’t heave
    a heart bcos this one keeps breaking. My new guy suddenly cut off
    all communication with me under the pretext of vex…..maybe his
    main chic is around…who knows…am waiting for him sha. You can’t
    teach an old dog new tricks!!

  47. Anonymous

    December 6, 2013 at 12:57 am

    Oh yeah, this happens to all races of women and not just
    Nigerian women. It just happened to my best friend she was dated
    the guy for 4 yrs and he just got married this past weekend. She
    saw all the red flags but chose to ignore because she really loved
    the guy. The girl he married lives in a different country.

  48. Smallie

    December 6, 2013 at 1:33 am

    Life is a lesson. You should learn from this. You need no closure from him, what you seek is within you. Forgive him but above all FORGIVE yourself.

  49. NNENNE

    December 6, 2013 at 1:59 am

    Such is life.Do forgive him and move on. Sometimes, things happen for good reasons that we, as humans may not see.

  50. memebaby

    December 6, 2013 at 2:21 am

    jesuuuu christi!!! i’m a nice girl oo about to be single because of distance.. I better shine my eyes coz it seems like some guys are just crazy when it comes to dating

  51. prim

    December 6, 2013 at 2:38 am

    The signs were there. You just had your preferential blinders on. How could you not suspect a guy who has not shown you his place by the second date? And I don’t mean showing you the place for useless stuff – just for the sake of saying, this is where I stay. Na you cos am

  52. Eyeopener

    December 6, 2013 at 2:41 am

    This story really helped me reflect. I remember when I was in high school, I was having a tough time, and there was this guy that I liked that would call once in a while, and I attached such significance to our relationship!! Really nice, motivating words, then he needed money for his business, which I provided….then didn’t hear from him, then found out he was in a relationship. My young heart was so broken…we continued being friends, met up as we lived far apart, hours after introducing me to his girlfriend, he tried to kiss me…I was so horrified. I couldn’t talk to him for a year. Then he breaks off with this poor gal 2 years later as he found out she had sickle cell trait!!
    Then back to asking me out…just like that, wow, was still so disappointed by earlier encounter, said no. Met again 3 years down the line, he was in a relationship, I still saw him through rose tinted glasses, I was in a relationship, he asked me out yet again, I was in love, luckily, my people warned me off him. This letter just made me realise he was a social climber….uses people, if he had found Dangote’s daughter, supposing he’s got one, I’d have been dumped for the supposed next best things. In life, there are no guarantees who our mind imprints on (reference from Twilight), you start making excuses, it’s self esteem and our loved ones in this situation that will help us see the light and if all else fails, ask God. Does God really want his beloved to have left overs, when he has created a banquet, which she will find with a little patience?

  53. Hian!

    December 6, 2013 at 3:01 am

    Mschewwwwwwww

  54. ken

    December 6, 2013 at 3:11 am

    This is a comment for men. I’m I man myself and I can tell you I never lie to women its just a waste of time and energy plus it show you are less than the man you think you are. Yes I don’t lie to em and I get anything I want from them. Tell her you are married if u are, tell her ur not ready for a commited relationship, tell her there is another girl, tell her you need a break, tell her this is all you have, tell her you don’t want to talk about the issue, no matter how uncomforable something is just find a nice way or a good time to tell her. You’ll be surprised how things will work out when she knows all she needs to know and how high women place honesty in a man. It might take some time but once a woman knows she can trust every word u say you’ll get everything u want plus a little bit more. Plus you’ll be a real man; Real men are not cowards they don’t have to hide or pretend….

    • tatafo!

      December 6, 2013 at 10:09 pm

      God bless you for this.

  55. Bibigirl

    December 6, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Never ever assume with men. If he doesn’t ask you, he’s playing you. When I was in uni, I used to think I was a “modern” girl and officially asking out was old school. That is the biggest lie ever!!!!!!! The only 2 serious, loving, committed relationships I’ve had started out with the official words “will you be my girlfriend”? When the first guy even asked me, I was laughing in my mind thinking see this old school guy oh, eh ya he’s sweet. Then we started dating and I saw the difference between him and my previous “modern” ‘boyfriends’. When we broke up, it was for a good reason and ended on a good note. We talked about it, cried together and said our goodbyes. You know once you’ve experienced a good thing, you would be stupid reduce your standards and so my next and current relationship started out the same way and even if it ends (highly unlikely… hehe) I believe it would also end on a good note, with no hard feelings.
    Please please please your mother is not old school, everything she told you is true. A man must spend his time and money on you otherwise he is wasting your time. If he wants to be with you, then he would want you to the exclusion of all others and will officially ask you out and as far as you give him green light he will keep asking until you say yes and may even go as far as keeping the date you said yes in mind so you can celebrate anniversaries. If you have to ask mumu questions like “so what are we” “what are we doing” “where is this going” bla bla bla then you are in a relationship with yourself. If a man cannot ask you a simple question like “will you be my girlfriend” then do you think he will be able to ask you a serious question like “will you be my wife?”
    I understand your need for closure but to what purpose? He’s either going to tell you some story about how he had to marry her out of a sense of duty to make his parents happy/she was pregnant or tell you something that will pain you like oh I only meant us to be friends, and then things got out of hand and I didn’t know how to stop. Is that what you want to hear? Well I’ve told you for free, so now please move on and let that man who deserves you find you.

    • meme

      December 6, 2013 at 9:49 am

      LOVE THIS!!! HE HAS TO ASK YOU! SIMPLE!

  56. Asanwa

    December 6, 2013 at 4:24 am

    No need for consolation sweetheart, you clearly saw the writing on the wall (even early sef, thank Jesus) and you were still hoping? Part of our problems as females is overlooking our intuition. God speaks to us through this. Infact, when you listen more to that small voice, you mkpa ke less mistakes.
    You said being a nice girl doesn’t pay? Relative statement and very debatable. Were you a nice girl and kept hanging on to a serial liar that ime had shown you well? Some babes may be dealing with liars but never discovered, mana yours…no excuses.
    Looking back, I am sure you can see YOUR mistakes. Many humans, male and female are deceptive yes. Do your part and when you discover what ou can’t live with, move right along. So many good people dey, may you be blessed with a boo with an honest heart and God-fearing attitude, amen.

  57. been there...

    December 6, 2013 at 5:14 am

    reading these comments has given me more guts never to allow that idiot comeback. almost everything he owns i bought/rent money etc but he’s been so evil to me and i just can’t seem to understand why a human being can be this heartless.God help us all and like Toke’s last post…..WE no want them in our 2014.God help all women and men going thru similar issues.Amen

    • Non professional opinion

      December 6, 2013 at 9:34 am

      And he chopped your money as well. Choi!….. These young dudes are getting too smart these days which means chicks need to check to smarter-ness. Don’t try to be his friend, look for closure or be cool. Disappear from his life and delete, delete, delete. Everything is experience my dear, so don’t sweat it. God will see you through.

  58. girl

    December 6, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Okay seriously i cannot afford any sympathy to the young woman. A lot of young ladies need to have a sense of self worth, you are obviously hurt enough to type and send this out. WHY did you decide to continue with a man who did not put you first? you were aware of his lying and kept communication hoping one day he would overnight be committed to you. In the midst of his lying and un-seriousness you were still buying gifts. this man did not do you wrong you did yourself, he showed you exactly who he was and you put up with it. As a young women i do no understand when i see things like this or even see my friends behave like this. The man is already married, you were clearly a side piece from day one which you were aware of AND YET YOU ARE STILL CALLING HIM? he is not dogging your calls he is busy planning a wedding move on

  59. Silvia

    December 6, 2013 at 5:37 am

    I had alot of hrtbreaks cos of issues liks this, even miss good men, but right now I know better, most nigerian men have issues.we as women need to know our worth.learn to love your self most, be loyal to urself, and dont just rush into a man’s arms just becos u r lonely or just becos your friends all have a relationship.let God be ur ist, the right man will come at hes own time.everyone born of God has a time and season. My dear abeg relax jare.no be who ist start race dey ist finish.

  60. Toto

    December 6, 2013 at 8:20 am

    WOW! i see some people here saying she knew dis , she knew that….. Please if you haven’t been through a particular kind of pain/ heartbreak or phase in life you cant understand how it feels. Babe! all i can tell you now is dust yourself, put am together, look good and look forward to a better tomorrow. you would be fine and this time ask God to help you, lead you and hold your hand through it all. In my own case the guy was telling people that i’m just a platonic friend after 3 years, i also saw the signs o (Lies, not picking calls, did he ever rmbr my bday fr 3 years???). LOL!!!! My dear you’ll be fine, Please go and work hard to be a BOSS too and get some new shoes.xxx

    • memebaby

      December 6, 2013 at 10:26 pm

      likeeee…Shoes always makes me happy.. I hope it does make you happy to ? lol AMEN to that suggestion

  61. dbaby

    December 6, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Women r funy creatures,most of us see d obvious truth but openly ignore it.A woman shld take control of her emotions by facing reality,dese kind of men turn to married adulterers but women will nt mind naw but wen dey marry dey naw start wailing nd complaining,common sense I alwys say is nt common for most women,to survive dis world as a women make sure ur brain is tinking 24/7.I hv a friend whose guy cheats on her evrytime he has d slightest oppotunity of any girl roaming arund him,d bobo can flirt nd all she says is ill manage him,dats obviously low sef esteem,wen dey naw marry finish,na me go suffer am.girls shld wake up,life is mre dan rships or marriage.I tire sef

  62. done it, lived it and done with it

    December 6, 2013 at 8:38 am

    reminds me of very familiar story, those much older guys are full of crap……. well i know who i am now and i will never accept less of anything. Babe he is not worth it and trust me better days are coming.

  63. dellynike

    December 6, 2013 at 8:47 am

    if a guy doesn’t ask you out but gets all the boyfriend benefits,you might be sitting on a long thing cos he might come back and say “I didn’t ask you out”.you would not only be hurt but also feel stupid and used.

  64. anonymous

    December 6, 2013 at 9:11 am

    it is all easier said than done,was in a similar situation,and mine didn’t disappear on special in short e was always available,invested in his business,bought him gifts while e was d handy 1,i just knew something was wrong cos e lied about the silliest things like his birthday(thats just wrong) looking 4 closure is what u think will give u some peace on y this beautiful relationship didn’t work,its what made my bad relationship last over a year…closure wastes your time and gives him space to hurt u more until i decided I deserve better and moved on,it doesn’t get any better than that,it took me a while but u will get there definitely.

  65. Babes

    December 6, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Men are BINCHES! #Dazall…

  66. anonymous

    December 6, 2013 at 9:20 am

    and hello…they are usually always in their late 30s,they either have a baby mama they are hiding,or don’t wanna marry just want 2 impregnate u so u can give them a daughter,always busy,only want u 2 come over ice or 2ce a month and its better if they travel overseas,if they usually go local,abuja,kaduna,PH,she’s around oo, eti e melo…..be a Usain bolt, it is well

  67. Quirky

    December 6, 2013 at 9:44 am

    whyyyy whyyyy whyyyyyy will you ladies be buying stuff for a man you are not sure of. That’s a wasted investment, are you serious? My best friend always say..” what ever you do in life, make sure you don’t lose twice”. After reading your article or story, all i saw was that you kept on giving a lying man gifts like you were rewarding him for his atrocities. A lot of us female have been were you are. In my case, all i did was call him.. as much as i thought i liked him then, i NEVER indulged him especially not with gifts. So please ladies STOP buying stuffs for men that you aren’t sure of. Don’t waste your money like that.. Even if you have too much.. give a charity if you feel like giving gifts. or send to me (hehehehehe) Don’t lose your heart and your money on a stupid jerk. As for the story lady, am sorry for your plight. Now you know better, you are wiser which is great. Have a fabulous life. Kisses.

    • Me

      December 7, 2013 at 2:02 am

      How can you be sure? My friend was in this kind of situation. Mind you in her own case she was engaged. Why wont you buy gifts for a guy that will be your husband? so you see? you never really no. The have since severed the relationship. Some will go as far as proposing oh. Ladies shine your eyes.

  68. Yep i said it, bite me

    December 6, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Every woman is blesssed with that thing called intuition, yes o… its that inner voice that tells you the true situation of things but most times we refuse to listen to that inner voice and then cry foul later.
    My anger was when u were doing all the giving and getting nothing in return, then selling your self short by making excuses for the douchebag. How foolish is dat? i hope this serves as a lesson for the future. Let God be your one and only, give a man your head and not your heart, till he puts a ring on it. FYI been a good girl does work out well its only when you love stupidly that gets you hurt.

  69. Stella

    December 6, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Well, I don’t need to chastize u cos they’ve all seen it all. U saw d writing on d wall since dec 2012 my dear! I was almost roped in by some dude. I knew d guy b4 but we were not friends. Fast forward som yrs later we met and we were really attractd 2 each other. Then we went on so many dates. Along d line he told me about some girl who did him strong thing. Well, I tot we were dating cos of d dates n bros knew how 2 kiss good! What broke d camel’s back was when we caught up wit an old friend of his. Afta introducing us he said “we decided 2 stay in our respective friend zones”. In my spirit I was like WTF did dis douchebag say? I ddnt discuss d episode wit him or ask questns. I just “crept” away 4rm him. He noticed n he was like “oh I miss u” “ur face is scarce” etc. Sometimes bros would be vexing when I tell him I went out with some dude. All falls on deaf ears tho. Thats how u treat guys like dat. They like nice girls drooling on them n dey give dem shit in return. They hate being paid back in their own coin.

  70. yes

    December 6, 2013 at 10:25 am

    A guy i met in January wanted to use me as a side chick. But God in his infinite mercy gave me the wisdom to crack his code very early and the strength to move on. I have since deleted him from my life and i am no longer angry with him although i was depressed for a while

  71. frances

    December 6, 2013 at 10:51 am

    To me eh,Love aint got nothing to do with it.u feel and really feel that the guy’s not with u,he isn’t commited? Flee,leave him,and stop letting him block those who are ready…

    http://imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

  72. TEQUI

    December 6, 2013 at 11:32 am

    hmmmmmmm, that is why i love to read stories and comments on BN; I just deleted mine sharp sharp; abeg no time to waste. i am good looking, tall, slim, with a fantastic job yet some dude out there is trying to waste my time. No way! i sure deserve better. @bibigal- u just said it all, loving you for this.

  73. jinkelele

    December 6, 2013 at 11:41 am

    We all need to watch how ‘honest’ we are in EVERY area of our lives. We may say he will be paid back in his own coin but whose to say what we reap now isn’t as a result of what we have done in the past.
    Please move on – hold no bitterness and treat others as you want to be treated.

  74. I'm sorry

    December 6, 2013 at 11:47 am

    All I can say is sorry. I wish you the best, I wish you knew better. I wish I knew better. I’ve been there. I know what it means to still hang on when all the lights are red. I know what it means to want something/someone so bad you lose all you senses. It has happened to me not once, but twice but the second time I learned and I learned well… He is getting married this weekend to a girl who had his baby. In my own case, he still calls me, still visits me. I started my withdrawal process from him the minute I found out he got someone pregnant. He still came visiting yesterday and I told him to just go and leave me alone. When I told my friend he told me he still wants to be friends she said he should go find Barney so they can be friends. He said he still has a soft spot for me another friend said he should call of his marriage na…I wish him well, but now I know better. A man has to be straight forward from the beginning, It wouldn’t just happened some way along the line. The next relationship I’m getting into must and will start with will you be my girlfriend” I don’t care if I am 30 years old. The commitment must be there from the beginning. In Drake’s words, I don’t need any new friends, especially male ones.. *Phew*

  75. I'm sorry

    December 6, 2013 at 11:50 am

    happen*

  76. blessing

    December 6, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    I suppose to be a victim of similar story but i hd to end the relationship because i don’t want to go through emotional trauma…

  77. Me

    December 6, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    BN I hate you people. I have sent several mails to have my story published you people would not even reply talk more of posting. so what makes this better?

  78. Beaconistical

    December 6, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Dear Sidechics, Kindly KNOW YOUR PLACE!!!!

  79. Global

    December 6, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    Stories that touch the heart…

  80. Omo1

    December 6, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    That’s one problem with we girls..even when a girl knows she’s a side chick she keeps playing good girl and supposedly patiently wait for the guy to tune in to her. It doesn’t work that way with guys. Sometimes a guy knows right from the start whom he wants to be with!

    If a guy cant include you in his notable days and at least get to hang out with you among friends once in a while and restricts or does not welcome you at all into his home or his life, forget the not ready thingy, you are not the one!

    • Babes

      December 9, 2013 at 11:04 am

      ENDOF! THE TRUTH AND NOTHING MORE! #DEATHTOTIMEWASTERS

  81. Koffie

    December 6, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    I used to be miss modern with the mentality that asking Me to be your girlfriend was cliche. Not anymore, I must hear those words and feel your seriousness before you get boyfriend benefits. A guy is presently trying to win my affection back after he put me on an emotional high n low in the past, I told him I don’t see us going back to being ‘us’ at all at all. Lool. No time for nonsense

  82. drjay

    December 7, 2013 at 9:58 am

    women lie to. one wanted to pull wool over my eyez but I
    wasn’t having it. slutty as hell… animashaun toh bad… see me
    professing love. anyway… she did learn on the third lie that it
    was a very very badt idea…

  83. naana

    December 9, 2013 at 10:16 am

    i almost got myself in that position.
    met a guy, got attracted to each other and communication started well.
    later he drew back and i was doing the communication making it seems i was doing the chasing.
    i decided not calling his lines and the dude never bothered to even flash my line for me to even think he missed me.
    i decided to stand firm on my grounds.
    deleted his numbers and messages from my fon even though it was hard for me cos i liked him very much.
    up till this moment he has not even txt or call.
    my advice is never assume the position of a girlfriend if he has not opened his mouth to let you know and also dnt get so excited when he tells u about his feelings only when he’s next to you in person.
    let him confess it during the day and be wise about it.
    sorry for the long essay.

  84. HRH Ihuoma

    December 9, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    I only ever have one advice for ladies concerning relationships, and it goes thus: Be Selfish. and when i say selfish, i don’t mean with ur money (c’mon) i mean with ur heart and with ur emotions cos wen the chips are down we lose and its not cos we are weak or weren’t careful enough, its because for some reason (we may hopefully find out on judgment day), God configured us to be the vulnerable sex. So, one last time for those who didn’t get it at the beginning- Be Selfish!

  85. kola

    December 9, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    The easiest way to sleep with girls nowadays is to give them the impression you are in a relationship with them without actually saying the words. it has got me laid many times this year. when am fed up of them i start telling dem how much i appreciate them as friends how they are the best friends ever.

  86. Analyst_ViewPoint

    December 9, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    It’s clearly too obvious you were an option, not a priority to him. He never dated you. You were not in any exclusive relationship. You were probably on a reserve list provided it wasn’t for sex or any other beneficial pleasures.

    From your storyline, this guy never promised you a future. He out-smarts you and kept you as an option. Has he done anything wrong to you? Probably not exactly! There’s no sufficient information to address that. If such case goes to law court, you’ll be fined for being ******.

    On your last paragraph, ”I even told him to come let’s have a discussion and the guy came with his friend. Unserious 35 year old man, well I pray he would wake up one day and get committed – hopefully with me or with any other good girl out there’’.

    Expecting his friend to be committed to you suggests to me that you knew he (‘your ex’) wasn’t for you. You both knew. He was trading you off. Stop expecting his friend to be committed to you. He would probably continue from where his hommie stopped. Dating his friend isn’t ideal, so keep your options open elsewhere.

    Don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll find a good honest guy pretty soon.

    • stbbabe

      December 9, 2013 at 6:31 pm

      Chick/bro, you got it wrong. She wasn’t expecting ex-bobo’s friend to be committed to her, she was calling her ex-bobo out for bringing a friend along. Got it? What I thought you would addres is why call someone unserious and still be hoping that they will someday and be committed to you? What – you think you’re not good enough for a serious pe
      rson?

    • stbbabe

      December 10, 2013 at 2:04 am

      Chick/bro, you got it wrong. She wasn’t expecting ex-bobo’s friend to be committed to her, she was calling her ex-bobo out for bringing a friend along. Got it? What I thought you were going to address was why call someone unserious and still be hoping that they will someday be committed to you? What – you think you’re not good enough for a serious person?

  87. Miss Thang

    December 9, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    lol sounds alot like my ex surprisingly he did his trad wedding on d 30th of november as well in abuja. He is Hausa First name starts with an A last name with a D. But i saw d signs earlier and kicked his ass to d crub. He begged for a year and a half didnt give him a chance still called me on my b-day in june saying he has changed bla bla i should give him a chance thank God i saw thru his lying ass didnt give him a chance only to find out he got married on d 30th of Nov who meets sumone and plans a wedding in 5 months if ur ass was engaged why d hell were u still calling telling me u had a dream u gave me a ring bla bla bla. Anyways i wish his new bride all d best, she is in for the ride of her life i hope she is prepared.

  88. HOPE

    December 9, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    when you begin to give excuses for a a guy’s misbehaviour,it’s a sign that you are being played

  89. ND

    December 10, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Gal, jus brace ursef tgeda n move ahead. We v all bn there!!! And by d way Kola is an ***

  90. Pravda

    December 10, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    The reason these things keep happening is because we hear it and apparently the guy seems to get away with it. Yeah Karma is a b**ch, but its one slow b**ch. If these stories all ended with, “and the guy was never seen again” or “he got to work and started removing his clothes” instead of ehnnn the girl moved on, or the girl forgave him, the girl did some ‘editing’ of her contacts on balckberry, this ish would stop. pam! i thought they said hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? girls show them pepper.

  91. Daniella

    December 10, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    The mistake a lot of ladies make is that of assumption. Never assume that you’re in a relationship if the guy hasn’t asked you out. A man who wants you will make his intentions known, not leaving room for doubt or uncertainty regarding the status of your relationship. As long as he has not properly asked you for a relationship, just take it that you are friends irrespective of how often he calls, comes around, etc. Another signal that suggests that you are a side chick is if the guy does not spend important dates with you or is unwilling to introduce you to his close friends and family members, doesn’t take you to his house and so many others. There was this guy that used to hang around me; we actually met in church. He would call and we would talk for ages, we went out a couple of times and then after that the guy was just unavailable. Somehow he always had things he was doing during the weekends even though he would call and we would talk for hours at night. At some point he was preparing for his younger sister’s wedding and we spoke up till a day before the wedding; I was waiting for an invitation that never came. At that moment I became suspicious and even though I really liked him, I began to understand that he might not have really been into me as much as I would have wanted. On new year’s eve last year he called me after service so that we could hook up. I met up with him and he was going to drop me at home and then suddenly changed his mind halfway and decided to drop me off at a place where I could get a bus. I just knew there and then that I would not agree to meet up with him again. Mind you I had stopped keeping in touch with him for some weeks yet he was the one that called me on that New Year’s eve day and offered to drop me at home. I was really mad that day but just kept my cool. Deleted him on bb a few days later. Saw him some weeks later with a babe in his car but he didn’t see me. I saw them a few more times after that and he was shocked the day he saw me and he was with the same chick. I waved at him from afar, but I was happy at least that I had already taken the initiative of cutting off all forms of communication or else I would have been heartbroken. Some guys sha……..

  92. bella

    December 11, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    this should help you with getting over him, photos.essence.com/galleries/modern-day-matchmaker-9-ways-get-over-him-real#392721_392756

  93. Innocent

    December 11, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    Just move ahead with your life. God has a better person for you. Most times such men get married to people that will dupe them and treat them badly as well. He lost a caring and beautiful creature like you. He is the looser. Time shall tell.

  94. TC

    December 11, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    Rocking that same boat now (well not exactly) but I’ve decided not to ignore the red flags, to listen to the voice of reason and move on. I can’t sit around waiting for him and hoping maybe someday somehow………..
    Move on, occupy your thoughts , when you let people get to you they control you, don’t give him that power.

  95. TC

    December 11, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Rocking that same boat now (well not exactly) but I’ve decided not to ignore the red flags, to listen to the voice of reason and move on. I can’t sit around waiting for him and hoping maybe someday somehow………..
    Move on, occupy your thoughts , when you let people get to you they control you, don’t give him that power.

  96. NUR

    December 19, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    The minute you feel you have to start stalking someone’s moves, I think that your queue to exit.

  97. Ajibike Akinlose

    December 20, 2013 at 5:52 am

    To all the sanctimonious people, must be nice to be so perfect and never made a mistake. *eyeroll*

  98. If-ii

    February 25, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    thing is ..being a nice girl isn’t bad.. just add being smart to your ‘nice-ness’. i dnt think we should change who we are just because we happened on a idiot. recognize their game and jump off the train quickly. the truth is you may be burnt more than once before you learn.God will guide us all 🙂

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