Connect with us

News

How to Socialize this Christmas: The Cool Kids Only Edition

Published

 on

Though we’ve exchanged soggy holiday messages; some nicked off the net, or just forwarded on from someone who sent us longish, appropriately emotional ones; said prayers and confessed positive things in advance of the New Year, what most of us really care about this season are PARTIES and not so much the reason for the season. This of course, shouldn’t be the case but I’d thought I’d just get that out of the way.
Yes, it’s Christmas. Soirees to attend, things to see, people to do…the works. How do you navigate the sometime murky waters of networking, socializing, this season, at the gigs where all the cool kids will be at? How do you score that Christmas fling? How do you join the in crowd? Despair no further. Here’s how:

Master and Use that Anglo-American Hybrid Accent
And do it shamelessly too. It should not be too difficult. And the rewards can be immense. Look at the kinds of doors it has opened for that lady who’s always on with bridal make-up and impeccably tousled hair? The one with the VLOG and looks transparent under lots of light? Yes, that one! See where she is now! Watch her VLOG even, you may get some pointers. With that accent mastered you can converse ever so proper, make friends faster and who knows, even do business. However, know when and where to go royal and when to do a Yankee. Listen in carefully on the group you’re with at the time, know the accent and twang in use, then pitch in with classic slang or anecdote as appropriate.

Have Travel Stories
Every event this season is swimming with the IJGBs (I-Just-Got-backs) and you can trust they all have fairly hilarious stories about something distinctly weird that happened on the Tube, that fetch party in Williamsburg or while trying to find their first class seats enroute home to Nigeria. While you may not be an IJGB, surely you must have some story made up or otherwise up your sleeve about some naked beach episode or something of the sorts during the summer, spring break in Los Angeles or even Miami. Such a story could be your passport to the cool kids table.

Have An Interesting Job, Preferably One in The Creative Industry
Never before has there been a time when being a creative was SO fascinating and well, cool. Of course, it is well-known that you probably aren’t buying Cartier wristwatches off your pay check, not yet anyway, but you’re doing something interesting. You’re making ‘new school music’, designing Africana chic clothes, photographing naked subjects, baking cakes laced with Baileys, using a lot of silver décor and calling yourself a luxury event planner, working the runway at shows everyone forgets after curtain call; something that makes for animated conversation and we-should-work-together-sometime statements.

Quirk Your Way To Attention
This is non-negotiable. No, you cannot look just well put together. Quirky is cool today and you have to have something about you that makes people take a second glance. It may be a curiously located tattoo, the length of your dreadlocks, the boldness of your print, it could even be as simple as your face and if it looks as though it’s been primed and basted by an overpriced facial. No, I do not mean peeling off layers off your skin (that are there for a reason) by chemicals as is the norm these days. That is just tacky and won’t win you any new friends. Well, it might but not the type that make for sophisticated company.

Be Social Media Fabulous
Be one step ahead of trends. Twitter is apparently old news. The new school cool is Instagram. Everyone is getting their lives and riding high on waves of vanity on there. Do not turn up your nose at their ostentatiousness. Join in! When you’re at a bar, angle that phone right (iPhone, of course) and take a damn good picture of that Bloody Mary! Share It! You went above your budget and splurged on a Bottega Veneta bag? Let the world know! (Do not dally with the populars like Louis Vuitton and Celine. Everyone who’s wearing them is so 2012) Take flawless selfies. Master Instagram’s filters, download different photo-editing apps for good measure. After having struck conversations, before the seal of new friendship is sealed, you will be researched. With your social media presence dripping swagu, you’re in!

Photo Credit: thefabempire.com

__________________________________________________________________________________
Ayodeji Rotinwa is a writer. He has strong opinions. He will not suffer fools. He believes sarcasm should be the palm oil in which words are eaten. He hopes, on here, you will not choke. You can find him and others running word riots on www.theurbanemix.com, a viciously satirical online magazine on Nigerian culture, social commentary and literary works.

Ayodeji Rotinwa is a writer with a keen interest in documenting, reviewing and critiquing the arts / (pop) culture of our time. He also comments on how technology and business play into these fields. He is a columnist, the lead features writer at THISDAY Style (Newspapers) and a contributor to Forbes Africa magazine.

26 Comments

  1. merci

    December 27, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    rotflmao…..i love the this

  2. chocolate

    December 27, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    lollll!

  3. Thelma

    December 27, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    People to do ke?
    Anyhow, this write-up is supposed to be funny and sarcastic right? I’m sorry, on some days I’m just slow. I hope that’s the case though.

    http://www.thelmathinks.blogspot.com . Please visit my blog. Thanksssss

  4. ms lala

    December 27, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Hilrious……i cant laff my stomach hurts..I live in LA do not i repeat tell stories about springbreak in Los Angeles..nobody does springbreak in la unless ur routing to vegas by road or traveling to Cancun which is sooooo 2002…but love the article…so true smh so true.

  5. Mademoiselle

    December 27, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Hahaha! I know this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but lowkey, this is the way forward o. This in particular had me screaming yaaaassss;
    “No, I do not mean peeling off layers off your skin (that are there for a reason) by chemicals as is the norm these days. That is just tacky and won’t win you any new friends. Well, it might but not the type that make for sophisticated company.”

  6. sharon

    December 27, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Why take cheap shots at Toke though,totally in bad taste pfffft

    • Lexus

      December 27, 2013 at 4:09 pm

      Ah, Toke stans, welcome. Took you long enough.

    • Sharpie

      December 27, 2013 at 5:25 pm

      Lmao

  7. Cancel Reply

    December 27, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Yawn!

  8. mama babyjake

    December 27, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    hahahah… Why didn’t he just spell “Toke Makinwa” rather than describing her as one with ” looks transparent under lots of light?”. Very funny!

  9. AA

    December 27, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Lol! Ok this was so funny yet very apt! Nice write up

  10. Demmy

    December 27, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    No need to sub Toke, that was not need kmt.

  11. *Real* Nice Anon

    December 27, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    All these articles taking a swipe at those who’re just visiting their family and friends in Nigeria is a little too old now. IJGB term is condescending and I’m over it.

    • Newbie

      December 28, 2013 at 3:16 am

      Oi! You have an assignment….find a new term! kmt

  12. L.L.

    December 27, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Lord Jesus!!!!!!!!! The shade of it all. Y’all shaded the
    hell outta’ that chick, Toke. All T, ALL SHADE SON!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Anyway, nice article but a tad juvenile. Thought folks did this in
    high school to seem super cool, but I guess high school mentality
    is back in full effect.

  13. Shocked One

    December 27, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Love U man. This is some hilarious ish

  14. Adaora

    December 27, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    Exactly I agree with @L.L, way too high school; Vanity in its fake and raw form is in vogue these days, noone wants to hear about how to move up in your career, or your havard, yale or standford degree or your job at Goldman Sachs, what they want to know is how authentic your “accent is, places around the world you have been to, or how much your Guiseppe Zannoti Heels cost, this is where instagram comes in Shame!

  15. Lizzie

    December 27, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    Loooool, I love you Ayodeji. Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

  16. Amanda

    December 27, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    hahah I love this write-up! Well done guys, truly hilarious.

  17. Yours Truly

    December 27, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    That was a hilarious piece – [email protected] the one with the vlog and looks transparent under lots of light. Toke don suffer

  18. laide

    December 27, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    it is obvious from this article, that BN now supports cyber bulling, this guy could have made all his points without referring so obviously to Toke.

  19. Newbie

    December 28, 2013 at 3:22 am

    Love the write-up. Plenty of tongue-in-cheek lines. Make of it what you may, I guess – take it seriously, or laugh out loud. Love the postscript too, esp…”will not suffer fools” …might I add, ‘gladly’. Will be checking out the online magazine referenced in the postscript. Thank you, BN team.

  20. jennifer chuku

    December 28, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Do I have to be fake to be cool? Quote places I haven’t been to and all? This write up is hilarious cos this actually happens these days but you don’t need to lie about what you’re not just to appear cool.

  21. chikita

    December 28, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    loool nawa o … EVERYONE IS TAKING THE PISS OUT OF US IJGBs… its not fair o.. we havent done anything bad to deserve such..hahaha not gonna lie its very entertaining though but please now have mercy on us jheeez lool

  22. Daisy

    December 28, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    Funny!

  23. African Man

    December 30, 2013 at 2:03 am

    Hilarious write-up. Sad though to see that the height of Nigerian social impression (read oppression), even over just having money, still remains ‘awayan’ affiliations. This means oyinbos are still your mental lords and masters. Inferiority complex buruku.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Get The Pan-Atlantic Advantage

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php