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Fola Daniel Adelesi: Finding Purpose Before Finding A Spouse

Fola Daniel Adelesi

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Since everyone is getting into the special love mode it just might be the perfect time to put this out in some people’s faces. All our lives revolve around love and because of that, decisions on love are some of the most important decisions we will ever make in life. Picture the fact that you might take that decision in just a few months but you have to live with it for more than fifty years if God grants you a very long life.

Some have rushed into it without remedy and a few others have the remedy. There are those who are still battling with theirs, but I think I want to help some people who are not yet in it take a proactive approach. We spend a greater part of our lives dealing with either results or consequences. Those who have peace are those who are dealing with results and those who have lost or are about to lose theirs are the ones dealing with consequences. Please take precaution right now so you will not have to deal with consequences.

Each time I get the opportunity to advise someone on whom to marry, I always want them to see that the first and the most important thing is not with that person. It is with you. All sort of people keep asking who they should marry. They want others to teach them how to choose or get the right man. They even go looking for tests that you can give every man or woman in order to get the right spouse.

If you know all the right principles for getting married and you know what to look out for in a marriage, you will still have troubles without purpose being factored into the equation. The man may be rich and the woman may be beautiful. It does not mean you will have a peaceful or restful marriage. There are so many rich couples who are breaking up and saying they are not compatible. In fact, the word compatible has been messed up by people called marriage counselors.

Do you want to know the best person for you to marry? The first thing to do is to find your own purpose. Until you find your own purpose, every other thing you have known about marriage is secondary. Why is that? It is so because you are going to live with that partner for the rest of your life. You will also want to spend your life fulfilling purpose. If you are going to spend the rest of your life trying to fulfill purpose then you must spend it with someone who either shares your purpose or understands your purpose.

As for the women, one of the Holy Books says you are a help meet. How will you ever know who to help when you have not found your purpose? You need to note that it is not everyone that you can help; just like it is not every job that you can do. You can only do the jobs you have trained yourself to do. It also means you can only help the man that you have been wired to help. When you don’t find your purpose before trying to find your spouse, you will be trying very hard to help the wrong person.

When you share a common purpose, it will be easier to stay together for a longer period. This is because there are times the body chemistry might just take a short vacation. When the body chemistry is on vacation, what do you do? What will hold you two together? If you have found couples who stuck together, and I am not talking about people who just live together because they have no choice, you will realize that something kept them going apart from the body chemistry.

As a man, when you know where you are going in future, you will not have a problem deciding who can go with you into that future. I dare say that many are simply confused about this all important issue of marriage because they have not sorted the issue of their purpose in life.

When you now try to get into marriage without first understanding your purpose, what you are trying to do is to lead without a direction. It’s like a pilot trying to fly a plane without a compass. His life, and that of those he will fly, will be at stake. You don’t go into these kind of things expecting miracles! You sort it.

If one person also goes into the marriage with the knowledge of his purpose, two things can be expected. The person of purpose MIGHT influence the one without purpose or worse still, lose the purpose. The other scenerio is that a strong willed person goes into marriage with purpose and is trying very hard to buy over the other person. He or she keeps meeting with resistance and then clashes come. You will start hearing, ‘he or she does not support my dreams or ambition. He’s a dream killer.’ He or she is not a dream killer. It’s just that you want the wrong person go go along with you on a journey they don’t understand!

I have not said much even though there’s a whole lot more to say. I only believe that the little I have said so far can save someone from the worries of many years to come. If you will take my advice then find purpose before finding a spouse. It will make your life a lot easier!

Photo Credit: rollingout.com

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Fola Daniel Adelesi is a professional public speaker who also trains other speakers, an author, business consultant and highly skilled master of ceremony with excellent poise and diction. He was on the Debaters TV reality show season 1, presented ‘You Can’ on Radio Continental in 2011, did motivational segments on Galaxy TV from Dec 2008 to August 2009 and has authored 3 books including Writing Business Proposals.

Fola Daniel Adelesi is a professional public speaker who also trains other speakers. He's an highly engaging training facilitator and he holds his large audience spell bound when speaking at gatherings. He's an author, business consultant and highly skilled master of ceremony with excellent poise and diction. He was on the Debaters TV reality show season 1, he presented 'You Can' on Radio Continental in 2011 and he did motivational segments on Galaxy TV from Dec 2008 to August 2009. Fola Daniel has authored 3 books including Writing Business Proposals. He currently talks about Social Media on Info.com - An ICT Show on Lagos Television. Fola Daniel trained as a communications professional, works as a business consultant and was also trained at Lagos Business School in collaboration with Google as a Digital Business Manager.

40 Comments

  1. anonymous

    February 13, 2014 at 9:24 am

    thank you brother,I’m at the purpose stage now,hallelujah!

  2. BB

    February 13, 2014 at 9:27 am

    true talk……may God see us through in Jesus name, Amen

  3. Dee Pee

    February 13, 2014 at 9:27 am

    You cudnt have said it better..
    when there is no vision or purpose,abuse is inevitable.

  4. Vanessa

    February 13, 2014 at 9:28 am

    You are very correct, but sometimes people truly discover their purpose from their partners. I had a friend way back in Secondary School. She wanted to be a lawyer. She met a guy, one of us, who really understood her and told her that LAW will fit her but will not give her that fulfillment she needed. Fastforward to years of dabbling into Uni bla bla bla. Today, she is a well talented actress and truly happy in her chosen field. Why? She had a partner who could see beyond her own eyes. They didn’t marry o but what I am saying, a partner may be God’s way of finding your own true purpose. What I advice people to do before marriage, is to find a steady source of income; the clergy and family will give you the other pieces of advice.

  5. Blossom

    February 13, 2014 at 9:49 am

    PLEASE WTF WITH ALL THESE RELATIONSHIP CONSULTANTS? CAN WE BREATHE FOR 5MINUTES WITHOUT THIS TALK? SHIO!

    • mrs chidukane

      February 13, 2014 at 10:18 am

      Babe why are you so bitter? Nobody forced you to read it you know. Besides, Folu is a very good life coach. I never missed his radio show when I was in Law school in Lagos

    • whocares

      February 13, 2014 at 10:36 am

      LOOL. I have decided to upload the picture of Madea checking out her gun with the “ask me when im getting married one more time” caption. E tire me. Now at least once a month my mom is asking if i have a boyfriend (mom if i didn’t have one last month or wasn’t close to it, I can assure you I am pretty much still very single this month..) and my aunt is yelling at me that I have 8 months to “trap” a man to marry me. All my life I have heard the “face your book” sermon, but now im 24, have a masters she and my aunts are screaming the “go out, meet a man, books wont take you anywhere sermon.. neither will your career so you have to be married before you are 26 “. They don’t understand why I am single. And me I think I have time.. I need to get a training contract first that’s my sole focus now so all this boy issue is not even it! If all my life I have faced books and ignored men, does it not tell us that where most girls are fast.. that I am a late late bloomer and so I have to take my time? Besides I want to do soo many things, work for at least 2 years, travel to at least 10 countries, be with myself and by myself (if that makes sense) and just LIVE a little before I start inviting other people into my life. . It drives me MADDDD!? I get that from home, I now come here and read all these oloriburuku advise from whats his fecking face(that musician guy). The last guy I even had a crush on told me in his own words o “oh I cant date you, you are too smart for me”… I jejely fell out of crush after hearing that. .

      If I am honest I didn’t read the whole thing.. I just felt like bitching about the excessive men talk going on, and this article was just one straw too many in my cocktail.

    • Fola Daniel Adelesi

      Fola Daniel Adelesi

      February 13, 2014 at 11:46 am

      I think no one should force you to do things at their own perceived right time.You should do it when you feel you are ready. All the same, try to have a balance. You may not need to have it all before thinking about marriage. It’s your choice.

    • whocares

      February 13, 2014 at 12:02 pm

      @Mr Adelesi.. Oh you are right. But it is frustrating. When a young man finishes his degree he is not compelled to marry, rather his parents push him to get a job, be a man make a life for himself. A lady finishes the same and the next thing people want to know is when the wedding bells will start ringing… This has no bearing on your article. I simply want to vent and highlight why people like Blossom and I might be tired of it all. I have taken the time to read your article now. It is fantastic advice.

    • Nneks

      February 13, 2014 at 12:16 pm

      I totally get you….im in the exact same position/scenario…’face your book’ all through my life…now im done with masters i cant get enough of the boyfriends questions…sigh…

    • SweetLikeShuga

      February 13, 2014 at 12:39 pm

      Sweetie I understand I am now 26 and I fell for those pressures and it causes me anguish. I worked so hard all my life to acheieve something now I am pregnant and going to marry which is great but cant help but feel if I could have lived more and done me some more. Do what you can to avoid those pressures. If you have to move to another city/county to do this do it. Please darling live and dont let anyone tell you time is of the essence. It is only of the essence when you are doing you – travelling like you wanted to. I am speaking becaue I feel like its almost too late for me and as a little sister of sorts who was in your shoes. Please live your life, That man who will be so enarmoured by you will come because you are you and doing you. The mummies and aunties mean well but have no clue what its like living in our generation/in our times at our age. Values have changed.

    • Ohgawd

      February 13, 2014 at 2:04 pm

      24…You have a long way to go…Maturity wise…
      Your rant chimes like a child so yes i would have pegged u as under 25…But strangely why do you come across as bitter?
      Live and let others live…
      You may not have needed this article but somebody else did…
      I personally think you are single because you are a handful…just from the way you came here to drop your opinion…
      Nobody is holding a gun to your head really…so sure do that which pleases your young life but do not come and rant particularly if you did not bother reading the whole article…
      I mean how “smart” can you be if you are not even smart enough to read, digest and then articulate the post before ranting?
      Ugh…children of nowadays…too much time and resources on their hands…

    • whocares

      February 13, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      @ohgawd…I am sorry adult of nowadays.. did you miss the bit where I acknowledged the fact that I read the article and I thought it was a fantastic advise nonetheless, or the bit where I also pointed out the fact that I realised my ranting was not particularly related to the article? I would advise you also to read, digest and understand before you point fingers at other people and call them names..

    • Busarni

      February 13, 2014 at 10:39 am

      @blossom; sorry , i can sense that you are bitter. May God bring happiness to you , it is well. Chai, our prayers are with you so that you can get back to being happy with life. it’s well.

    • Laide

      February 13, 2014 at 10:40 am

      You can breathe, if you learn to navigate the bn website to find articles that give u oxygen, ma wa si bi ko ma vent!

    • Jo!

      February 13, 2014 at 11:03 am

      Take Panadol for your pain

    • Fola Daniel Adelesi

      Fola Daniel Adelesi

      February 13, 2014 at 11:50 am

      My dear, while I am not a relationship consultant, I have come to see that I can’t teach people how to be productive without talking about their love life. Moreover, this article was supposed to in tandem with the season. If you don’t like this, there are at least 4 or 5 other inspiring articles from me that have been published here on Bella Naija. You may want to read those. Enjoy your day.

  6. Moni

    February 13, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Thank you so much Fola. This is deep and truly inspiring. Can i repost it on my blog giving credits to you please? I’ll like to help as many people as possible. Thanks

    • Fola Daniel Adelesi

      Fola Daniel Adelesi

      February 13, 2014 at 11:43 am

      @Mini, please feel free! Since you already talked about giving full credit.

  7. Meee

    February 13, 2014 at 10:15 am

    @ Vanessa, your job or profession is not your purpose. A person’s purpose is bigger that their occupation. What you do, in most cases, should be a way of fulfilling your purpose.

  8. mdevaan

    February 13, 2014 at 10:23 am

    THIS IS GREAT

  9. Nenye

    February 13, 2014 at 11:05 am

    very inspiring.thnks

  10. mia

    February 13, 2014 at 11:21 am

    must you shout on the top of your lungs to make your point? cherie, some people need the advice and they appreciate it, if u don’t, then shift and stop making noise like a spoilt radio.

  11. ebony

    February 13, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    You can’t partner successfully with somebody who does not share your goal or intensity.. When you feel passionately about something,,but the other person feels complacent,, its like trying to dance the macarena with somebody who only wants to waltz.. You picked the wrong dance partner..
    Thanks for the reminder Mr Fola…

  12. Nneks

    February 13, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Great article!!

  13. c'est moi

    February 13, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Personally, I believe that there is no one principle or strategy or prerequisite to a happy, successful and purposeful life as everybody’s package is different. What i tell my friends is ‘whatever phase you find yourself, make the most of it. Don’t be in a hurry to get out of it because there is no going back’. I think knowing yourself is actually a paramount factor because it is when you do that you can know what and who is right for you. Discovering purpose comes anytime. For some people it is early and for others, way into their 30’s or 40’s. Most times, you don’t discover it on your own but with your partner. I got married when i didn’t see it coming, was very young and had my life all planned but someway, it just happened, just like that and now i am redefining purpose. it’s beautiful sharing it with someone who is equally intelligent and has my back and I am loving every bit of it. He knows me so so well and reminds me when to take a step back. We are totally opposites and so complement each other so he’s my traffic light. I am very happy, very young and have a better purpose than i did few years back. I say ‘For the single, don’t lock your heart and say this must come first because you don’t know God’s plan (that’s if you believe in Him anyway). Just be happy and make the most of your life while single because when someone comes in, your priorities have to change. And for the married, marriage is God’s institution, so let Him take the lead. Seek Him first in all things and all others will be added unto you.’

    • eva

      February 13, 2014 at 5:20 pm

      thank you for this

  14. frances

    February 13, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    This is great!
    Just simply the truth!
    I once heard in a relationship seminar where it was said that a relationSHIP is a ship taking you on a journey to where you need to be. Now if you have no vision,it inadvertently means that you are going nowhere,you are aimless, and that isn’t the ideal relationShIP.
    A man must have a vision a woman can help him get to, she is an helper and where there’s no vision for her to come in to help, what’s the essence?
    when the woman has no vision also what’s the marriage for really? Only procreation? That wasn’t God’s intention for marriage, marriage is meant to take you both to greater heights, for advice,encouragement on the road to your destiny(God’s plan for us isn’t just for us to get married,its for us to mainly fuifil the purpose for which He created us and who we marry is also meant to help us fufil purpose and vision for our lives but where there’s no vision what happens???
    The epistle is just saying,thanks fola, this was spot on and deeply resonates.
    Btw,shouldn’t you have a blog where you impact us daily with words like this?

    imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

    • Fola Daniel Adelesi

      Fola Daniel Adelesi

      February 13, 2014 at 10:01 pm

      Thank you Frances, I appreciate your feedback. And yes, I have a blog where I write daily. Clicking on my name or image would have taken you there. Nevertheless, you can check out http://www.foladaniel.com/blog You can also subscribe to receive daily posts. Thank you.

  15. Dr. N

    February 13, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    I was also one of those told to face their books. The no of aunties who tried to set me up after school eh? I solved the problem by taking a job close to the creeks n warning mom never to give out my no. Una want doctor, now una want Dr. Mrs! I understand how some ladies feel. Just switch off, force them to respect your boundaries. However, don’t subconsciously try to punish them by appearing closed off to guys. My sis met her hubby when we had given up on her. She went to UK for masters, where others complained of scarcity of husbands, lol. I do agree with the author. Well done. http://www.drnsmusings.wordpress.com

    • Fola Daniel Adelesi

      Fola Daniel Adelesi

      February 13, 2014 at 10:03 pm

      Dr. N, it simply shows that life will keep asking more from us. We get one done and they ask for another. We finish the other and there’s a new one waiting! We must learn not to be pushed around as others want!

  16. Ashanti

    February 13, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    i have a junior cousin who just got married last year to a dude in the military, whenever i talk to her she always bring up marriage and that am older than her. She’ll talk about marriage this marriage that. that same cousin is the one who will fight anybody if get in her face about some thing she dont like, she have a very short temper just like her dad. This girl was sent back home to her fathers house because she fought her husband about some random stuff. the husband carry am come home, gave the dad 10,000 naira, my uncle no send sha, im collect money shooo!!!!! so because she was sent home without her son, she carry police go get collect her kid. i wanted to laugh at her so bad….but come to think of it, this is my family so laughing at her is laughing at myself…but its kinda funny sha lol. So this thing they call love get “K” leg oooo….we have to be very very careful…..Btw…HAPPY VALS PEOPLE!!!!

  17. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    February 14, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    Mr. Adelesi, you might want to consider letting your articles rein free. By that I mean some latitude for the reader and just maybe ease a little off commenting on people’s comments. It feels stifling and does not really make for a smooth reading if I have to break every comment to read something from the author yet again. Trust your article to speak for itself. Not every comment warrants a response. You could answer a direct question, (or most times) leave the commenters to battle it out themselves. Thank you.

    • Fola Daniel Adelesi

      Fola Daniel Adelesi

      February 15, 2014 at 11:17 pm

      Dear Bobosteke & Lara Bian, I sincerely appreciate your opinion. However, it’s my personal thought to try and engage as many feedback providers as possible. I may not do this all the time but I strongly feel you don’t leave feedback hanging loosely. Your feedback is appreciated.

  18. adoley

    February 22, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    Thank you so much Fola I have learnt this firsthand…I wish I read this article years ago…it would have helped to save from wasting time helping the wrong person.

    I would like to also say that some people are selfish and want you to help them accomplish their purpose instead of helping you find your own. This all the reason why it is important for you to find your own purpose first before delving into something serious.

  19. jannie

    May 11, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Very insightful Sir. Thank you!

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