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Afam: How to Take Care of Your Man 101

Afam

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Lesson 1:
Your man is not a man. He is a god. You must apply this lesson to all the other lessons that will follow this one. When things get a little bit bizarre, come back to our first lesson and remember, there’s nothing at all manly about your man.

Lesson 2:
Your man is a god, and you are not a woman, but woman. Your individuality has no meaning when it comes to looking after your man. There’s no personal trait you can offer him. You must be bland and gentled. You must kill your soul. Your personality is of no consequence. If you think you’re an Ifemmelu or an Elizabeth Bennet, you better domesticate yourself, if not, that finger on your left hand will be barren forever. If the finger isn’t barren, then you must remember that no condition is permanent.

Lesson 3:
Your man is not only a god, but also a dog. It is tragically incapable of looking after itself. You must clean up after it, brush its hair, soothe its temper, and cuddle with it.

Lesson 4:
The name of the game is long suffering. You must suffer, and suffer, and suffer, and suffer, on behalf of your man. If he cheats on you absorb it, it is his way. If he slaps you, why were you being such a stupid ho? Don’t you know that if you don’t talk right you are liable to be slapped? And isn’t a kiss with a fist better than none?

Lesson 5:
Your man’s words are gold to your ears. Every time he talks you must position your eyes and ears to catch every minute detail. God gave you two ears and one mouth for this purpose. Don’t get it twisted. Your views don’t matter. You shouldn’t even have views. Your views are your man’s views. You are a parrot. The chain of command is from your man’s brain to your pretty lips. If your man says that your father was born in a toilet and that Cancer is spread by flies and that periods are contagious, you better quote him without reservation.

Lesson 6:
Your man… I mean your god man, is like a Ken doll. All god men are equal. There is no difference between them. That’s why all the relationship advice you’ve been reading is gold. And that’s why you must never cheat. The next god man, will be exactly the same as the previous god man, so there’s really no point sleeping around. Furthermore, there are a million million other women who are dying (and I mean dying) to be in your shoes. If you cheat, your god man will kick you out, and replace you within the week.

Lesson 7:
Your family loves your god man more than they love you. If you mess up, get maltreated and go to your family to complain. Your family will go to your god man to apologise on your behalf because you are worthless and valueless. Your value can only be measured by how much your man loves you.

Lesson 8:
If your family is peculiar and happens to love you more than your god man, do not tell them about your god man. They will wreck your marriage and return you to the curse and pestilence upon your soul that is singleness. You must be silent. They mustn’t know. They mustn’t hear a goddamn word from your lips about your man’s not so brilliant ways. Your man is a god, generous in his stinginess, and loving in his cruelty.

Lesson 9:
You have no desire. Your desire is your man’s desire. You must do it, whenever, if ever your man is ready, however he wants to do it, whichever way he wants to do it with and whatever he wants to do it with. This is the price you must pay, for this was the deal you made when you decided that you needed to have a dog god man to be happy.

Lesson 10:
If your husband strays from your bed, it is your fault. You were not hot enough. You did not keep it tight enough. You did not do him enough. You let yourself go. Even if you gained no weight, you lost your coquettish nature. You messed up. Yup, it’s all your fault. I’ll say it again. It’s all your fault.

Lesson 11:
Remember, your man is a dog god. You must praise him. Praise him, and pet him and praise him again. If you don’t the size of his ego will deflate and you will be unhappy because his ego is your happiness. Beyonce is happy because Jay Z has a very big ego. She said it in her song, ego. If you do not fill his ego tank, he will go to the ego black market, and you know what that means don’t you? “Ekaete she done get belle oh”

Lesson 12:
Your dog god man is like a second hand car. If you do not need him he will spoil from lack of use. So you must need him like a drug addict. You must need him for everything. You are woman. You are useless. You cannot do anything without your man, so you must need him. Need him I say. If you do not need him, he will break down and crawl to the mechanic, where he will be picked up by someone who needs him more.

Lesson 13:
Your god dog man is perfect. He was perfect when he was born and he’ll be perfect when he dies. He can’t change. If he likes wearing red socks, he will never ever wear black socks, because that would be like asking a chicken to fly and chickens can’t fly. He can’t change so you must become a chameleon. Working woman by day, house girl in the evening, and sex worker by night. You can do it. The Lord is your strength.

Lesson 14:
Your dog god man isn’t just a god dog man, he is an alien. Yes. He is from Jupiter and you are from Pluto. Jupiter is the largest planet in out solar system and Pluto was the smallest when it was still a planet. Now, Pluto is only an ex planet. That is your place as woman in the grand scheme of things. So not only are you less than your dog god alien man, you must also be content with excuses from your girlfriends like, “It isn’t his fault! He’s not built the same as us” because they’re true.

Lesson 15:
Your man is a professional food critic and a glutton. Does your ogbono soup taste like it looks? Does your Ofe Nsala offend him more than it makes him say Shalala? Then your marriage, or your relationship is about to get rocky because he’s going to step in the name of his stomach to Mama Hooters. And we all know that that’s only the beginning don’t we. What? You’re thinking it’s not that bad… You’re thinking what happened to take out. Well, it seems that dog god alien men don’t do take out, because home cooked meals are EVERYTHING!

Now you could live by the rules above. God knows it’s possible, just as we all know it’s possible to find a man who really believes he’s a god dog alien man. But… wouldn’t that be such a pitiful existence? When the story is presented without the filters of emotions and experiences is this not how a lot of people live because they fear that the alternative would be worse? I wouldn’t wish it on you. I wouldn’t wish it on my sister. And I wouldn’t wish it on my daughter. Even if society demands that you live with the entitled monsters that it has created, be strong enough to demand more. If man is a dog god alien, then it’s safe to say that you’re a dog god bitch of an alien. You are not less. You are never less. You’re only ever equal or better.

Photo Credit: icrang.com
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Afam is a writer. He is an ex-huffington post student blogger of the week and he runs the blog THE RAMBLINGS OF A MADMAN. After a longish stint in the abroad, he now lives in the mother and fatherland. Follow him on Twitter: @Afam20

108 Comments

  1. Anne

    March 21, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    I know this is sarcasm but if I read one more article ‘sarcastic or not’ about taking care of a man, being a good wife, etc I’LL GOUGE MY EYEBALLS OUT!!!

    • Slayer

      March 21, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      This article has nothing to do with taking care of any man. It’s everything to do with taking care of and loving yourself as a person (man or woman).

    • Anon

      March 21, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      I concur! WTF?!?

    • Jo!

      March 25, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      Did you EVEN READ THE DARN THING…. TILL THE END????????????????

    • Carlee

      July 30, 2015 at 4:43 am

      Yeah this is a sarcastic dumbass go back to school. —“You are a woman you are useless..”.then “you are nothing but equal or better” this is not a god man this is a man who doesn’t know or appreciate anything should just be put away on a planet with NO woman AT all.

  2. Blessmyheart

    March 21, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Hmm. I know this is sarcasm but some scary ish there man

    • Slayer

      March 21, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      Scary because Nigerian (and other women) who have confirmed to patriarchy are living horror stories.

    • Nala

      March 21, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      My dear, its scary but this was my reality for almost 2 yrs b4 i ran away from him. I am in the process of filing for divorce and the goat has trapped another victim in his web. I feel sorry for the poor chick cos she doesnt know what she has entered and when her eyes opens, it will be too late but which one is my own. I’m free from bondage….

  3. @edDREAMZ

    March 21, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    This lady is made frm heaven, as in, God just use heavenly sand and air to create her and poured kwledge into her head….. May God bless yu nw and forever…
    .
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

    • whocares

      March 21, 2014 at 3:02 pm

      I try to avoid commenting on your grammar and views etc because, well, I am being respectful of your right to enjoy BN as much as we do(I haven’t succeeded much, but I try). Now, let me explain some things to you.
      Firstly, Afam has written a sarcastic piece. If you take your time to read it to the end, and understand, you will realise that he does not in any way mean any of the things he said.. in fact, he did what is called a “reduction to the absurd”. That is when you make fun of a theory, or opinion in a way that shows how stupid it is. Ed, this is NOT the real ideal of what women should be like, this is the idea STUPID men or STUPID women cling on to.
      God is NOT going to answer your prayers, or create this woman for one reason. No one is created to be anyone else’s slave. Secondly and most importantly, I want you to read this line carefully.. you are NOT a god, and you strike me as less of a man too if you want a woman you can boss around, as opposed to an equal.
      I know I should ignore you as always, but I cant this time… So a little homework for you (1) Learn to read and understand, and if you don’t understand ask questions. I will be more than happy to answer any questions you may have on grammar or the meaning of words etc. (2) SORT your life out.

    • Dr. N

      March 21, 2014 at 3:50 pm

      @whocares, pls go to jupiter n tell him it was written by a man. Good luck tho. Not sure of what reception u’ll get

    • CallMeMsNotMrs

      March 21, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      I think you’re the confused one here. ED is thanking Afam for this wonderful piece, the only understandable misunderstanding is ED thinks Afam is a woman.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 21, 2014 at 4:22 pm

      @whocares…I salute your attempt to reason with edDreamz but I think he’s far gone from anywhere an ounce of wisdom resides. So let’s read his comments with sympathy.

    • whocares

      March 21, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      @Callmenot.. Ahhh, I begin to see daylight. Not that he thinks his sarcastic “rules” are the way forward?

    • Ekwy

      March 31, 2014 at 10:14 am

      Apt!

  4. Teris

    March 21, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    the ramblings of a mad man… hunh.

  5. yay or nay

    March 21, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    “Working woman by day, house girl in the evening, and sex worker by night. You can do it. The Lord is your strength”…..hmmmm,and I;m thinking,could this be me?Lord,I need to help myself.

  6. whocares

    March 21, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    LOL. Afam, I. Like. You. Daz. All.

  7. tee

    March 21, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Like seriously! “If he cheats on you, u absorb it, that his way”. Aint taking that shit from no man. Hell No.

    • Carlee

      July 30, 2015 at 4:47 am

      “RIGHT!”?

  8. tee

    March 21, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Like seriously! “If he cheats on you, u absorb it, that his way”. Aint taking that shit from no man. Hell No.

    • Teni

      March 21, 2014 at 4:09 pm

      Did you read till the end? He didn’t mean it like that,its just sarcasm

  9. Mz Socially Awkward...

    March 21, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Go on, do it. I triple dare you. 🙂

    • Anne

      March 21, 2014 at 2:58 pm

      LOL. I fit!

  10. farvoured

    March 21, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    this is sarcasm yes! but its so hard being a woman…you do this they say u aren`t keeping your man…when you go by the books u are termed desperate seriously people can we talk about ….global trade,communities in need of help,unemployment and its solution.war and bad governance in Africa.There is so much to said aside 100 ways of keeping your man. Gre8t article though ..big ups

  11. kike

    March 21, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    One of the best article I’ve read on Bella nail a! Nigeria woman demand more! Marriage is a beautiful thing, if you’re doing all of the above and it’s not mutual, it ain’t right! ! At those screaming about taking care of their man, does he do the same, does he care for you? Respect your beliefs and opinions? If he does then God bless your union, if he doesn’t then what is the point of your union?

    • Nicole

      March 21, 2014 at 5:54 pm

      Abi ooo…..A man has to motivate and inspire me to treat him right…Anything less….to the left ooo

    • Carlee

      July 30, 2015 at 4:48 am

      Carlee-“like”

  12. nwa babii

    March 21, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    “He is a god” no a man is a MAN and NOT god

    • Jo!

      March 25, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      “…we are gods…priest of the most high…”

    • Jo!

      March 25, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      Was messing with you, but seriously, read the last paragraph!

  13. favoured mama

    March 21, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    lol……yeah thats how some men expect women to be but thnk God u know it can never happen…tufiakwa

  14. ginger

    March 21, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Only a man can come up with this gibberish, the title should have been “how to submit yourself to slavery”

    • ohhh

      March 22, 2014 at 6:22 am

      F9 for you. read until the end.

      ” I wouldn’t wish it on you. I wouldn’t wish it on my sister. And I wouldn’t wish it on my daughter. Even if society demands that you live with the entitled monsters that it has created, be strong enough to demand more. If man is a dog god alien, then it’s safe to say that you’re a dog god bitch of an alien. You are not less. You are never less. You’re only ever equal or better.”

  15. ginger

    March 21, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    Or “living in bondage 101”

    • COCO

      March 21, 2014 at 3:55 pm

      Are you kidding me? Did you read it to the end? If anything we should be praising the writer, good job Afam!

  16. Folake

    March 21, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Written with a ‘POUND’ of sarcasm. In all jst luv ursef so well not to be treated like a fool. #man or woman…

  17. Tiki

    March 21, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    looool @ dog god man alien. I’m posting this on Facebook.

  18. Ibinabo

    March 21, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    hehehe!!! lmao here.. it’s like i could see Afam’s expressions while reading it… Men will WAIT for earth to relocate… @”Your dog god man isn’t just a god dog man, he is an alien..”

  19. TheTruth13

    March 21, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    This is so stupid. Please don’t pollute gullible, vulnerable minds, thanks.

  20. OGECHI EBULE

    March 21, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Dear BN, am an ardent reader of your blog and I have come to view your space as a place that celebrates life and beauty. The article written by Afam is despicable and tells me he is just another Luis Garavito or Pedro López waiting to happen. We don’t know it but it is men like him that has gotten many a woman killed. His views has an undertone of contempt for women. The female man is precious and should be celebrated. She is unique, she is separate, she is whole. Please don’t give room for this kind of articles to gain weight. That is how the Holocaust started. With words…..

    To Afam,

    Don’t stop using. The list of drugs available to you are endless but I will pray for you that -the eye of your understanding may be open and you may find clarity in God through Christ Jesus.

    • Donald-Landon

      March 21, 2014 at 3:44 pm

      Oh my it’s sarcasm; don’t you get it.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 21, 2014 at 4:28 pm

      Exactly! Donald help me beg. Right from Afam’s first “tip” I knew it was supposed to be a satire. I’m amazed that some people think otherwise.

      And the sad part is that this Ogechi Ebule seems articulate in self expression…but when it comes to reading with comprehension…epic fail!
      Sad.

    • Arin

      March 23, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      You keep shouting it’s sarcasm, some folks don’t know the meaning of ‘sarcasm ‘ leave them to their own demise abeg. And common sense isn’t so common the first point immediately got me laughing cause I got the message.

    • Donald-Landon

      March 21, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Did you miss this part of his article “Now you could live by the rules above. God knows it’s possible, just as we all know it’s possible to find a man who really believes he’s a god dog alien man. But… wouldn’t that be such a pitiful existence? When the story is presented without the filters of emotions and experiences is this not how a lot of people live because they fear that the alternative would be worse? I wouldn’t wish it on you. I wouldn’t wish it on my sister. And I wouldn’t wish it on my daughter. Even if society demands that you live with the entitled monsters that it has created, be strong enough to demand more. If man is a dog god alien, then it’s safe to say that you’re a dog god bitch of an alien. You are not less. You are never less. You’re only ever equal or better.”

    • COCO

      March 21, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      You know what they say…blacks don’t read! I guess we have graduated to skimming, that is the only reason all these people can attack such a piece.

    • Que

      March 21, 2014 at 7:48 pm

      @Donald, u just copied d exact portion I wanted her to see, thx. @ Coco, I’m black, read every word, enjoyed it too… I get what u were trying to achieve, but it could have been done without using supid clichés.

    • nwa.baby

      March 21, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      May you own eyes be open to what sarcasm is. Amen

    • xoxo

      March 21, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      You wrote an epistle !! Can you read?? Or did you bother reading it till the end, it’s called sarcasm, for crying out loud!!!!Calm down, go back to read the article in full, instead of getting your panties in a bunch!!!

    • Fountain of Paper

      March 21, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      Clearly not ‘ardent’ enough to know that the improper use of ‘am’ has been corrected over and over. Again, it’s “I’m” if you can’t write out the “I am”.

      One wonders if you learned the words ‘despicable’,’ardent’ and those other names you mentioned, in colouring books. Reading AND comprehension was a basic subject in Primary school. If you missed it then, you could have picked it up in Secondary school.

      Afam should seek clarity in Jesus name? He should stop using? Really honey, you need to look in the mirror and tell the person you see in there to do exactly that.

    • Iris

      March 21, 2014 at 5:48 pm

      First of all there’s this: “The female man is precious and should be celebrated…” WHAT the bloody hell is a female man?!
      Secondly, don’t lie. You’re one of those people who look at an article then scroll down to the bottom and type “Too long please. You should have made it shorter. I don’t have time to read it” aren’t you? You clearly didn’t bother to read to the end and if you actually did, quite frankly it would be frightening that this was your response.

    • Jina

      March 22, 2014 at 3:33 am

      Funny how people think they know it all……ever heard the of the word sarcasm…..please do yourself a favor and brush up your reading skills cos it sucks as it is….Jina

    • royalty

      March 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      Ogechi, are you really, really, really, this daft?? Seriously??

    • Jo!

      March 25, 2014 at 3:55 pm

      Ahn ahn! Read. The. Last. Paragraph!!!

    • iyanfemo

      April 10, 2014 at 5:44 pm

      Haba, read ! Read !! Read!!!.this is an extremely brilliant piece for the deep and understanding minds !
      Some negative comments confirm that ” a lot of naijarians don’t read through and thoroughly “. Half- way & half & half ” things” na im dey worry too many .
      Thannnk yoouuuu.

  21. Riri-Rose

    March 21, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    People, its just sarcasm. Hez taking a hit at women who give all their lives and bloodsweat to their men. He is telling women to get a life.

  22. olajumoke okedairo

    March 21, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    lol what is this

  23. Been there

    March 21, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    WTF???

  24. Tiny

    March 21, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Naaaah guys, trust me, this has got to be some pre-April fools day joke! Any way @ bellanaija , you got us! Lol

  25. Concerned_Boyfriend

    March 21, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    [email protected] Lesson 13. There’s a lot to learn from this article albeit twisted and sarcastic. It highlights some of the unrealistic expectations we (men) demand from our women. As twisted and sarcastic as the author might sound, some of our mothers endured similar or worse situation from their spouses. Our culture of gender discrimination plays a major role in how we (men) treat our women. Thankfully, things are starting to change but we still have a long way to go.

  26. Afam voltron

    March 21, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Sigh! People just don’t get sarcasm. Now bow your heads let us pray…RECIEVEEEEEEEEE understanding!
    Meanwhile Whocares actually responded to the catastrophical phenomenon called Ed, why oh why? Some levels of offness you don’t meddle in.
    Afam, I love you.

    • B!

      March 22, 2014 at 12:13 am

      LOL!!!! You are too funny I swear…

  27. H.A.W

    March 21, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    Lol why won’t some people calm down and read carefully lol

  28. Esquiress

    March 21, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Sarcasm is truly lost on some people…
    And isn’t a kiss with a fist better than none? – this line cracked me up (lesson 4)

  29. Ngobeke

    March 21, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Indeed the ramblings of a mad man…..

  30. Blaqgurlrock

    March 21, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    My God it took me less than 20 minutes to read and understand the whole thing, I wonder why some people jump to conclusions and make a fool of themselves after reading just one sentence. As the great Confucius said “No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance”
    Nice piece Afam.

  31. Joan

    March 21, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    Wow! people don’t get sarcasm or they are that slow? smh
    Nice one Afam.

  32. vixen

    March 21, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    LMAOOO!! this is a joke right??

  33. Ayo

    March 21, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Yeah yeah yeah captain obvious…we know it’s sarcasm. But for whatever reason I think this topic is just tooo sensitive to be “joking around” with. If you are going to give advice do so and be frank about it and if not, please leave it be #justmytwocents

    • L'afrique

      March 21, 2014 at 10:55 pm

      Which topic please? Because in case you didn’t notice, he touched on MANY topics here oh.

      And if you have any discernment, you will ponder on these things seriously. There is absolutely no joking around intended in Afam’s piece. If you see jokes in there, then you sef you’re a joker.

    • Ayo

      March 22, 2014 at 10:02 am

      Sigh. Clearly, you are part of those that jumped on the “he was being sarcastic and people need to learn to read bandwagon”. Darling, you are going to need to calm your tits. Put your “I too know” syndrome in check. I just have this to say to you, go back and revisit your dictionary and check what TOPIC means e.g in this case it’s how to take care of you man 101. AND also what SARCASM means. Smh!

    • L'afrique

      March 23, 2014 at 5:39 pm

      Lol. Ayo you’ve hit the nail on the head. I reiterate there are several topics ingrained in this piece. And once again dear Ayo, Afam isn’t “joking around” as you put it. And finally, you are still a joker. Clearly.

      Now take the same dictionary you recommend and search the same words you suggest. Then you will be healed of your stupidity. Or at least one can only hope you will.

  34. SoChi

    March 21, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    Truly we have a reading and comprehension problem. Chineke merem ebere…AFAM IS BEING SARCASTIC. Hian, this is something that happens all the time. When a tongue in cheek post is put up, see people coming on here and showing themselves in the most embarrassing ways. I weep!

    Meanwhile, as much as I am sick of the men, women articles…I love this one. This is the life that our women are living. I hear too many women say, if you do not do these things, another woman will do it o (#puke). That is why we have so many men walking around with foolish entitlement issues and not pulling their weights as men in the household. I know Nairaland is not a full representation of our men but that site is scary. You read men’s comments on there and you just pray you and none of your blood line end up with men like that. I really feel bad for some of our women because this is their reality and the man does absolute squat in return for the woman. Have mercy Lord, open the eyes of your daughters.

  35. TheresaO

    March 21, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    If the title was “How to ‘take care’ of your man”, perhaps some people wouldn’t have missed the sarcasm. That said, I think while we agree that men and women are equal, we must also remember that they are not the same. These differences shouldn’t be a source of competition, fault-finding or strife, but to complement and improve each other. If you expect your wife or husband to think like you, you will be unnecessarily frustrated and ruin what was supposed to be a beautiful union.
    It takes wisdom to build a home.

    • Dr. N

      March 21, 2014 at 8:12 pm

      They would have still missed it. He would have to title it “I’m just kidding”. Lol

  36. nene

    March 21, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    i love afam. for those who don’t understand, this is sarcasm! every time, women have to do this and this and that for a man, me i don’t have time for that rubbish. if i don’t find a man who’ll love me more than i love him, i’m not getting married.

  37. miemie inclined

    March 21, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    A woman is a man’s pillar, ur views nd opinion matter to him a lot. Ure a submissive slave, keep dis ridiculous opinion to urself….

  38. Naomi

    March 21, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    Blacks really don’t read…sad! People please read the write-up to the end before commenting abeg….Nice piece Afam

  39. Ella

    March 21, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    I’m actually surprised that the majority of people who have left comments missed the entire point of the article. Even when one reads casually….READ THE END! which is often conclusory. This is by far one of the most profound articles I’ve read. Nigerian women, need to stand up, WAKE UP and DEMAND MORE! We tend to be so backward in our thinking, contributing to our already pathetic chauvinistic culture. No one says you should’t respect your husband or see him as the “head” of the family but respect your self always, hold your ground, know your worth! “You are not less. You are never less. You’re only ever equal or better.”

  40. Que

    March 21, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    This is the line that shed total understanding on d whole piece..
    ‘…When the story is presented without the filters of emotions and experiences is this not how a lot of people live because they fear that the alternative would be worse…’
    Now if you read this line and still didnt get the whole yarns of dis post, then it’s beyond BN to help, we’ll need to find ur JSS teacher. #KeepCalmandREAD!

    That aside when u actually look at it without the emotional mishmash n disguising we like to give rships around here, isn’t it just sad, all thats expected of one being, by another imperfect person o….
    Lesson 10 in particular irritates my soul- n I heard Chaz B on d radio tell a woman who called in to complain of her husband of 14yrs n his mistress of 5yrs….n his solution was for her to go sexify herself, bring out d heels n negligee….I just weak as I thought to myself how d sexiness worked in Halle Berry’s favour on dat front….

    Lesson 13 left out ‘Stripper by lunchbreak’…#chameleonthings!

  41. Afam you jester, you.

    March 21, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    Haha great feminist article. Hope to see more of these write-ups that challenge the patriarchy. On a serious note, to those people in doubt of how to take care of your man.. men are not babies, they are the ones who are supposed to take care of you. Your job is to love them back. The end.

  42. OgeAdiro

    March 21, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    All these fairy tale relationship articles. And who’s to say that she’s not a “god dog alien woman”? Abi you never hear the saying about birds of a feather? Or the one about every story having 3 sides? It’s easy to blame something or someone but true change has to come from within.

  43. eva

    March 21, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    Some peeps r just like Sheldon character in big bang theory. They don’t know when someone is being sarcastic

  44. bee

    March 21, 2014 at 11:06 pm

    ohhh,i see the reason why some people have concluded that black people don’t read!hian! that” femaleman” individual has just shown the world how ignorant he is. *I can imagine the look on his face,while typing out his comment*

  45. Toma

    March 21, 2014 at 11:59 pm

    Afam did not exaggerate at all. The other day my saloonist was giving me unsolicited advice which was a replica of this article o. Out of d blues she started a marriage lecture and how “girls of nowadays” are imbibing western culture of women rights, she went as far as saying if ur hubby cheats you should turn a blind eye and ask yourself why he cheats and mend your ways! If it persists simply show him more love and refer to him as “my King” always (sigh). Its sad but this article is a reality for many naija women

  46. Sophia

    March 22, 2014 at 12:52 am

    Oh my Lord! I read lesson 1-4 then I thought this is a joke so I went to the last paragraph….Afam is actually championing the female cause..whoop whoop! Thank you. I guess we need to be reminded everyday that we got the power(female).

  47. ivie

    March 22, 2014 at 2:03 am

    I guess the next write up should be on how to read and comprehend! I knew this was a satire. Wondering why the mixed feelings here. Nice one Afam!

  48. Ib

    March 22, 2014 at 2:03 am

    Hahahaha…I laughed so hard…Good one!

  49. Fabulicious

    March 22, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Please I need the how to take care of a woman version ooo. Humour or not, we have had a lot of caring for men lecture.

  50. meji

    March 22, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    I hate when men gets demonized…what about that woman who doesnt cook for her husband and even eat the food cooked by the man,she doesnt take of herself and when i talk she never listens,i mean ,not having regular baths,hair in disarray ,soul of feet hard as one week old agege bread,finger nails left dilapidated,entered a business partnership with husband’s friend without minding his opinion etc…the truth is women make evil out of men!!!I say no more.

    • omada

      March 23, 2014 at 11:17 pm

      YAWN…

  51. Baby Giwa

    March 22, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    This is the sad reality of SOME pple, d beauty of dis well written satire is in d writer’s use of absurd n extreme irony. Afam, u r blessed.

  52. iNeedHelpandAdvice

    March 22, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    its sad but my mum expects me to be like this. like she expects that i worship my man. that hes perfect and i am not. everything is my fault. why am i not satisfied with what God has given me. like i am so sick and tired of it all. idunno what to do. sometimes i find myself believing her and thinking less of myself but then i try not to do that, and the anoying thing is my father was and is a good man. she never slaved for him and he never brought another woman to our home. so i dont understand why she expects me to slave for a man. especially one i dont even love

    • Tinker bell

      March 25, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      So sorry dear, you sound sad. Truth is most parents do not want their daughter’s marriage to ‘fail’ so they will just keep pushing you to live a miserable life so that you don’t disgrace the family and become a persona non-grata divorcee. Also most times it’s difficult for them to play judge in the matter between husband and wife because they are careful not to make things worse. That being said, until the divorce laws in Nigeria are strict and favourable to women, men will keep taking advantage of them.
      Think about your life, work hard and pray.

  53. kitty

    March 23, 2014 at 1:34 am

    Sigh. This country has a lot of work to be done. Educationally. I’m amazed that a lot of readers couldn’t understand the piece. It’s sad. So sad.

  54. deevagal

    March 23, 2014 at 11:43 pm

    its always so amusing and sad whenever there is a tongue in cheek article on BN and some people carry the matter on their heads, who do we blame when young adults cannot understand or recognise sarcasm? GEJ? ASUU? teachers? or the same set of people who wont bother to research and will still come back here to comment ignorantly on the next satire on BN?

  55. EverSimilingnkechi

    March 24, 2014 at 8:41 am

    When i read the first 2 lessons, i went back and read it all over again and i was like ‘what the hell is he talking about?’. Then i continued and when i was half way gone, all i saw was sarcasm. Some points in this article made me think of the movie ‘MR AND MRS’. Anyone who didn’t get Afam’s point, clearly didn’t read to the end or he/she lacks comprehension. it is as simple as that. it is not rocket science.

    i don go

  56. Tope

    March 24, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Sigh… I have since come to realise that the major problem around here is many of us “do not read” and when we do, we lack the patience to read till the end.

    Great piece Afam. You almost got me in the beginning till I read the end. Even more impressive that you are a guy and can see through the facade and appreciate the plight of many women who have been conditioned to think this is the way to keep a home. Well done!

  57. Hadassah

    March 24, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Beautiful…… still laughing out loud
    p.s: Nigerians should pls exercise patience and read.. else do not comment

  58. vian

    March 25, 2014 at 11:29 am

    if we must all keep to this rules and regulation in the name to keep our man ,call we the women survive it? Can the men also take care of us the way they desire us to take care of them? afam also remember that for the marriage to be peaceful n sweet then they (the men) also should treat us the way we r treating them,so that everyone in the home will be happy with one another

  59. JAY

    March 27, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    And thats how most ladies will keep saying “me, Never”, “He can go to hell” and all other lies when they go home now they’ll be washing their God Mans feet yet the ones who are still learners will be here idolizing them for showing female independence.

  60. Annie Balloo

    March 30, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Lmao

  61. Joy

    March 31, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Afam haf keed me!

    Very insightful piece and good on you for recognising the failings in our culture! I for propose to you if say I never marry the best man ever.
    Oya, are you still single? We need progressive guys like you in my family o

  62. jemima-nikky

    April 4, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    I am usually a ghost reader on BN. I only read and walk away. But this piece has touched me in a way that I am forced to drop a reply. Afam, God bless your insightfulness and your wittiness and importantly, your depth. Reading your piece reassures me there is yet hope for the Nigerian youths. with your permission, I will attach a link of this piece to my blog…

  63. Tobi Peters

    April 7, 2014 at 5:15 am

    Nice one-loved it more so the comments that followed. It’s sacarsm however it’s the sad truth and the reality of several relationships…

  64. Amina

    April 30, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    Amazing piece!..it’s very unfortunate that people don’t take the time to read and comprehend.

  65. IFY

    June 13, 2015 at 11:47 am

    beautiful piece at ist i was so angry then again i was patient enough to read it to the end….lovely unlike some people kudos AFAM..

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