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Toolz’ Thoughts: Thou Shall Not Lie To Thyself

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So something happened a few weeks ago that I MUST share with you all!

Every few months I log into Facebook to see what past colleagues and old friends have been up to – who got married? Divorced? Had a baby? Came out of the closet? (I’ll tell you about that some day) and so on…
I came across a recent update from an ‘ex’ and he was cuddled up with his wife and new son. The wave of bad belle that came over me was incredible! The short-lived bad belle wasn’t because I missed him and wanted him back, truth be told I had forgotten about him till that picture came up. It was because a few years ago, I would have given an arm and a leg to be that woman in the picture with him, as in I loved this guy DIE!

We met during my final year of university; he had just moved from Houston and didn’t know a lot of people in London, and after a few random conversations about course work, he asked me out. Our first date was amazing, and after about a month of seeing each other a few times a week, I was almost certain he was ‘the one’.
After dancing around the issue for a week or two, I was finally brave enough to bring up the ‘where are we’ issue. His exact words were ‘I really like you Tolu, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now’. I had to take a moment to mentally pick up the fragments of my broken heart, then I smiled at him and said ‘No worries, it’s ok’

I avoided him for about 2 weeks as I licked my wounds and tried to regain my pride. Towards the end of the 2nd week I had miraculously convinced myself that he was only saying he didn’t want a relationship because he didn’t know how much of a fantastic woman I was. So I became his ‘standby friend’ – I was going to be on standby till he realized he actually wanted a relationship – with me!

I would hang out with him at every opportunity, listen to all his ideas with undivided attention, fret over him if he sneezed, and I would even go to his house to cook for him…he definitely had my mumu-button.
For almost a year I waited and played my standby role very well. I told myself plenty of lies, ‘He really does care about me, he wouldn’t be hanging out with me if he didn’t’; ‘He’s dealing with a few personal issues, so I just need to be patient and he’ll wake up one day and realize I’m the one’. Yes, I was subconsciously defrauding myself.

He left London for a few months on an internship, and I missed him badly. My mobile phone bill was ridiculous because I would call him regularly for a ‘friendly chat’, he would call me too, but I was definitely doing more of the calling. I soon realized that he wasn’t missing me the way I missed him, so I let things chill for a bit. When he returned to London, I was over the moon!

My birthday was in 2 weeks, and I decided to have a little get-together. I also thought that this would be a fantastic opportunity for him to see what he was missing. The plan was to get super-dolled up and flaunt my fabulousity in front of him, and of course he would call me the next day and say ‘Tolu I missed you, I’ve been such a fool not to realize how incredible you are – please be mine’ (Yimu right?).

On the day of my party – I had two sexy outfits that were picked to make him drool. I was nervous, anxious and hopeful.

He finally arrived!
I opened the door, and he looked at me and said ‘You look amazing’. I was positively beaming as he hugged me. As I ushered him into the living room, he stopped and said ‘I hope you don’t mind, I brought my…..girlfriend, she’s just getting something from the car’.
If he had slapped me I wouldn’t have been more surprised!

What had just happened? The guy I had been on standby for had boarded another flight!

It hurt like hell for a while, but when I finally stopped lying to myself, I had to admit that I had been quite daft. The cold hard truth was that he SIMPLY didn’t want a relationship with me. He liked me, but not enough. He was just ‘not that into me’.

In his defense, he didn’t actually lead me on, but I convinced myself that patiently waiting in ‘standby mode’ would bring him closer to the ‘truth’ that he couldn’t see clearly.

One of my best friends gave me the best advice ever while I was going through this; she said ‘If someone REALLY wants to be with you, they will do EVERYTHING in their power to be with you. None of this – ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, ‘I need to focus on my career right now’, blah blah blah. Think about it, if you met someone that you felt was right for you, wouldn’t you do your absolute best to make it work? If you are getting different excuses, then chances are that they don’t think you are the one. A tough pill to swallow, but so very true.

I did, however, learn a valuable lesson from this – one of the worst things you can do in life is lie to yourself, and potentially rob yourself of what you truly deserve. Whether it be a relationship, a job, whatever situation it is, do your best to be honest with yourself. If a situation isn’t giving you what you need, don’t fool yourself – have enough self-respect to say ‘I’m not getting what I want from this situation… and I honestly won’t be able to settle’

I’m sure I’m not the only one this has happened to, so do you remember that person that got you so good, that you ended up lying to yourself?

____________________________________________________________________________________________
ToolzO is an award-winning on-air personality who currently presents ‘The Midday Show with Toolz’ on the Beat 99.9FM and the Ndani Tv’s The Juice on Africa Magic Entertainment. You can find out more about Toolz by visiting www.ToolzO.net and @ToolzO on Twitter.

ToolzO is an award-winning on-air personality who currently presents ‘The Midday Show with Toolz’ on the Beat 99.9FM (Lagos), 'Afrobeat News' on Capital Xtra (UK) and Ndani TV’s The Juice on DSTV Africa Magic Entertainment. You can find out more about Toolz by visiting www.ToolzO.net and @ToolzO on Twitter and Instagram.

173 Comments

  1. Theisokogirl

    April 16, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Good write…to thyself be true

    • Purplecious Babe

      April 17, 2014 at 10:54 am

      This so TRUE…
      Toolz, I hail you for this write up.
      I particularly liked this part ” ‘If someone REALLY wants to be with you, they will do EVERYTHING in their power to be with you.” KAPESH.GBAM.

      This is what I need to PRESS the DELETE/BLOCK button. Pere. Kapesh, no delusions.
      Clarity is very important and I think every time you have to keep second guessing someone or trying to figure them out, Nah, something aint right plus coming up with excuses. It just aint right.

  2. Jo!

    April 16, 2014 at 10:31 am

    I like this girl sha, #nohomo
    Your candour, refreshing, not very common

  3. Pius Christiana

    April 16, 2014 at 10:32 am

    I can relate with this well. Gone through it.

  4. Superwoman

    April 16, 2014 at 10:36 am

    I think am still lying to myself.

    • superwoman2

      April 17, 2014 at 2:18 pm

      @superwoman…i’m with you on that.

  5. Osa

    April 16, 2014 at 10:39 am

    lol… this is the story of my life. last year during my MSC i met this guy….we were first frds den he asked me out….we were so into eachoda till he told me abt his ex gf who just wont leave him alone….dey started talking to each oda but i was assuring myself dat he wld neva leave me….lol. long stroy short… he did leave me for dat same ex….i felt i would just fall sick and die….lol but i didnt. it is well….God pass two of dem.

    • lorenz

      April 16, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      He never left his ex in the first place, he probably just lied about that.

  6. Harhbeesolar

    April 16, 2014 at 10:42 am

    i can relate with this,there was this guy that i really liked we were friends and could tell each other everything,i so much loved him and was hoping that he felt the same and a day would come that he would pop the question out of the blue “will you be mine” because we were both not in a relationship then i was areal “jonzer” after not seeing fr 2 months,next i saw the guy he was busy gisting me about his babe…but stupid me i still had this belief that he would soon ditch the babe when he realises how superb i was….lol

  7. Her Royal Majesty

    April 16, 2014 at 10:43 am

    nice one .. just learn t something new from this write up..thanks toolz

  8. oluchy

    April 16, 2014 at 10:46 am

    You are a dear, l also learnt the hard way, had to deal with different denomination excuse n so on. l finally stopped n read the handwriting on the wall which has been crystal clear all this while. Cyber hugs for the wonderful and honest writeup.

  9. ella

    April 16, 2014 at 10:48 am

    At least you realised that he had moved on. There are people that will still hang around, praying for that relationsbip to fail so the guy can come back to them (talk about rebound). Indeed, thou shall not lie to thy self!

  10. www.thelmathinks.blogspot.com

    April 16, 2014 at 10:48 am

    “If someone REALLY wants to be with you, they will do EVERYTHING in their power to be with you.” Exact same thing I told someone I went on a date with last night. All this “I’m too busy to even tie my shoelace” shitck ain’t werkin’ no more. If you really want something you’ll make the effort. Women also need to realize that when a man tells you no, or acts like he’s not interested, he really means NO. there are no hidden, underlying messages. Oh well… It’s stuff almost everyone one of us went through at that age. With age comes wisdom (for some of us.).

    thelmathinks.blogspot.com

  11. bitchesaintloyal

    April 16, 2014 at 10:53 am

    It has never happened to me. i set the rules for men to follow and i dont pay attention to any guy who doesnt pay attention to me. i simply think highly of myself and pride will never make me be in this sort of situation. i never fret over any man until he is my boyfriend. its really that simple. i never understood how all the girls in london used to cook for boys they either fancied or dated..when you arent his wife. dumb shit.

    • Judith

      April 16, 2014 at 1:07 pm

      Standard setter you married now? Talking tough, I bet someone is wiping their ass with you

    • SophisticatedIgboGurl

      April 16, 2014 at 1:58 pm

      Her opinion…must you attack

    • CEO

      April 16, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      I agree with “b$£^£$…..” You have to set the standard for how you want men to treat you. I don’t believe in chasing after a guy, never have and never will and i’m married btw.

      It’s her opinion! Everyone should have standards whether you’re currently married or not. How is it paining you?

    • bitchesaintloyal

      April 16, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      Yes i am married!!!
      What are you going to assume next? that my husband is cheating? Thats the problem with women like you..you never realise that what you dish out is what you get..you attract who you are in the end. i know its tough for you to accept that some of us didnt get treated like crap by men..simply because we didnt put ourselves in the position to get crap in the first place…dont worry hun..take morphine for the pain 🙂

    • Somebody

      April 16, 2014 at 4:07 pm

      HABA!!! Its her opinion! Are you jealous? Must everything culminate in being a Mrs? Women like you are threatened by confident smart women. And your language? Vulgar much?!

    • Iris

      April 16, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      So because she has set standards that she has been able to live up to, she will never marry? Or are you just annoyed on behalf of men because no one has used her yet? Please if that’s what works for you sit down and let others live.
      That quote about someone doing everything to be with you is so true. It took a MALE friend telling me that to know I had to let some other guy go. I was busy forming “O he says he’s going through some challenges right now” (challenges that he “couldn’t explain” O) “That’s why it takes 2 hours to respond to my bbm and when I respond immediately he says nothing for another 2 hours. It wasn’t always that way with him” -never mind that right from the beginning he was using only free midnight minutes to call, giving me bleary eyes the next morning. I swear my daftness at the time cannot be qualified. O Lord when I look back now… the shame! Bona fide, original mumu is what I was.

    • Chimamanda's Main Squeeze

      April 16, 2014 at 9:56 pm

      HAHAHA! @Judith is jealous because she probably has always kissed ass in the hopes of being a Mrs. but it’s clearly gotten her no where! I wonder why women cannot be happy for successful women. @bitchesaintloyal sounds like a VERY successful woman in her personal affairs. ANNOUNCEMENT: Self worth exists, @judith. And what you give is what you get. @bitchesaintloyal you’re so right, I NEVER put a man before myself. EVER. Nothing personal, actually it’s very personal. It’s always me first until you become my almost husband to husband. And if no man is down for that, he ain’t down for me.

  12. camair chick

    April 16, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Toolz my girl!!! i now love u even more for this article.))

  13. Jet

    April 16, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Oh Toolz! This just happened to me Infact he led me on, I’ve loved him even before he mentioned how he was in love with me but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, this guy tortured me emotionally only because I lied to myself that we would work as a couple. The things I went through just because I wanted to be with him. I’m in a better place now a bit broken but I’m going through a healing process. Thanks 4 this piece.

  14. sum1special

    April 16, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Very honest and truthful article.sending this link to my bff right now.she really could use this advice as she is currently going through the same thing. Welldone Toolz.respect you more.

  15. Tantra

    April 16, 2014 at 11:00 am

    There was this guy I met on a flight. During baggage claim, we chatted and exchanged numbers. We became friendly and he even took me out for dinner the following day. He was quite handsome and well-built. I really liked him and because of him then I loved that airline. In my twisted mind, I wanted to share my testimony of meeting my husband on board their carrier. I went back to my station and visited the guy again after some weeks, on his invitation. That was around October. He told me he wanted us to sign the dotted line in June of the following year. On the day I wanted to leave, he was quite busy writing his reports. I didn’t want to miss my flight, so I grabbed my bag and I left 30 minutes before he wanted me to leave. That was my crime. He didn’t pick my calls nor return them. I kept defending him and blaming myself for being too independent to be very submissive. I didn’t want to lose this guy. He didn’t reply my texts or pings and I was “dying”. He picked my friend’s calls and told him I hurt him by walking out on him. That everything was going on so well until I suddenly walked out. That he didnt want a lady with temper. My friend told him(man to man) that I am a wonderful lady he would forever thank God for, that he should give me another chance to undo my mistake. Guy didn’t bulge. After a month of that charade, I let him be. Hunk or no hunk. The truth I told myself was that walking out on a guy was not a big deal. Ladies have done worse. If that guy really wanted me the way I wanted him, my walking out on him would have even been romantic to him.

    • @_deyemi

      April 16, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      Hi Ms, read your story and I can confidently say that the issue was not with you but with the guy. You really don’t want a man who’s as unforgiving as that

    • Warri Babe

      April 16, 2014 at 1:15 pm

      Bebe (Gf slangs, no homo), you want to hear the truth? You don’t need that kind of man in your life, all were excuses..was probably looking out of some irrelevant issues to hold on to!

    • slice

      April 16, 2014 at 3:28 pm

      i feel you dear i feel you. if someone tells me this story like you have done, i’d be absolute sure the guy either has anger management issues or that he was looking for an excuse to dump you. but when it happens to you (and I’ve been there), all your sense go on vacation. I’d be so sure I should have waited that 30mins. everything in my brain will say I did the right thing but I won’t listen…till a few weeks pass and the scales clear. Mine was a guy who seemed ready ready like right now let’s marry today ready. I had to make slight changes to a date plan we had and he never called or answered my calls or text after that. Sho.

    • Purplecious Babe

      April 17, 2014 at 11:04 am

      Boy!. I can relate.
      I have been told by a guy friends to dish/bin him. I am doing exactly that although my emotions will beg to differ but reality is my evidence.

  16. Gorgeous

    April 16, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Hehe. We have all gone through this. Though mine was always after the relationship was over. Waiting and being pathetic about getting back because I most likely thought I messed up in some way. Which in actual fact I did, but not enough to get such a reaction. Funny that after I get tired of putting an effort and give up. I get a proposal but by then the whole thing has worn off and feelings replaced with contempt. For a guy who says he’s not ready, o boy I move on shaperly. Harder for me when I have entered a relationship than just a friend. If you would have kept away, chances are he may have been licking your feet. You didn’t give him time and space to miss or think about you. You were acting way too desperate.

  17. Lecker

    April 16, 2014 at 11:15 am

    So true Tolu, I’ve been a victim more than once *covers my face* especially when you get caught up with age bug. Nothing is as bad as living in denial truly. I look back with gratitude today.

  18. silvabubbles

    April 16, 2014 at 11:18 am

    verbose! besides sometimes its the feelings that make our heads spin and all d awkwardly funny stuff starts to happen in d name of love, so my advice!…constantly give urself a reality check…a man who will be with u will be with you no matter what, in a few weeks i will be marrying the most amazing man in d world,he loves me beyond just words including my son who isn’t his, and to think that i wasted my time in d same manner tolu did with some other guy who told me in very few words “he cant settle with a girl who has a child”,well i moved on as quickly as i began to have series of self reality checks and now here i am, i am 29, my son is 6 and my husband 32, and boy does he love me!….i only pray for those out der caught in dis illusive net.

    • Asgrl

      April 16, 2014 at 11:52 am

      Verbose = wordy. Is that your intended feedback? It Doesn’t correlate with the tone of your comment.

    • Bleed Blue

      April 16, 2014 at 12:53 pm

      I know right? I thought the same and was going to comment. But then I decided it must be some new slang that the cool kids use to ascribe ovation to a well written piece. Abi?

  19. zelda

    April 16, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Yes o,i have been thru dis experience,i was jst smilin to myself n rememberin those days i did these things to myself,thank God i have been delivered n happily married now LOL

  20. viv

    April 16, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Deja vu..Looking back,it took me a longtime to move on but move on i did,if my present self had told my younger self how bright d future is going to be it would have saved me a lot of heartache but i suppose past mistakes is part of growing up. Nothing like ‘Time’ to make things clearer n make me realise how miserable i would have been with him. Thanks Toolz,beautiful write-up as usual

  21. ade......

    April 16, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Can i seek you guys opinion???? Here it goes, i have not been in a relationship for 2 years after going through a bad break up that almost ruined me, however, early this year i went to Nigeria and i met this guy a freind introduced me to and we have been chatting via facebook like 2 months before my visit, we saw eventually and it was fun with him and we got along so well but i had to come back to England sooner than i planned so we couldn’t hang out more than once…ever since i got back, we have been chatting, skyping and he seldom calls all of which i also return and from his conversations he seems into me like he compliments my pictures, he says stuffs like he wishes to see me and all the good things a guy can say to a lady. However he has not said anything like wanting a relationship with me which is kind of confusing as i don’t know if i should tell him i really like him or i should ask what he feels about me…. please do help out a sister as i don’t want to be left hanging like toolz said. Thanks y’all.

    • Ayo

      April 16, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      oh dear, If a guy never opened his mouth to let you know he wants a relationship with you then ure on YOUR OWN. this same thing happened to my friend. The guy was leading her on, saying sweet words and making it look like the relationship was set. My friend eventually got tired of playing mind games with him and asked him how far???? ……My dear, the guy said hes not ready for a relationship and that he was just been friendly and nice to her. hmmmmmmn, my friend was devastated and heartbroken she cried for months and it was so hard for her to move on..

      My piece of advice….If a guy dosent open his mouth to tell you he wants a relationship with you, you’re just dating yourself. Don’t be fooled girl.

    • Sylvonce

      April 20, 2014 at 12:02 am

      Oh dear, u cracked me up wiv d “Guy hw far” laughed my heart out. Lol. I can imagine…
      Tool nice ryt up, nd like u rightly said “A man who loves u nd want to b wiv u will give up EVERYTHING to b wiv u…shikena!

    • Tusar

      April 16, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      If he hasn’t said anything about a relationship, then you should bring it up. Do not make any assumptions. He may like you. But he may or may not want you the way you want him. Don’t build up things in your mind that are not there….Trust me, I’ve made that mistake several times. Men are simple Beings. If he wants a relationship with you then her will spill the beans when you ask. If he doesn’t, then at least you know and can decide on your next course of action.

    • @_deyemi

      April 16, 2014 at 12:54 pm

      As a guys guy I have only one tip for you… make it harder for him to reach you. If he tries harder then you know there’s at least something there THEN you may ask if he has feelings for you cos you like knowing where to place the ppl in your life. Good luck

    • Ogo

      April 17, 2014 at 7:49 am

      @deyemi, your response is on point! one can clearly tell these words are as logical as it sounds and came from a man’s mind! Welldone for that bro!

    • Lola

      April 16, 2014 at 12:57 pm

      I think you about falling into the trap of lying to yourself mydear, from all you said, i think you are still in the feelings stage and you havent scratched the surface of love yet, cos theres more to love than going on dates, skyping and saying sweet nothings, coupled with the fact that you dont even know if he wants a relationship or not, i will advise you to at this juncture use more of your brain and seek Gods leading to know if he is the will of God for you now (you would know its God if you have that inner peace to go ahead) this you will get through prayer… my 2 centsxx

    • amirah

      April 16, 2014 at 1:09 pm

      Hi dear. My advise to you is don’t ,under any circumstance make the first move,don’t let him know you really like him first. Even if he says he wants to be in a r/ship with you first,don’t show him that you are over joyed. Play it cool. Don’t accept immeditely,make him wonder what’s going through your mind and in that process believe me he will fall for you even more than he already does. Men like women to be mysterious and whether they admit it or not they like to “chase/pursue’ a woman. The more you’re mysterious the crazier he’ll be about you. Just try it out,even if its. Not with him,and you’ll be surprised that he’ll keep coming back.

    • ade......

      April 16, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      Thanks y’ll am going to take everyone’s advice especially @ adeyemi’s……

    • ade......

      April 16, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Thanks y’all…..would take everyone’s advice most especially adeyemis…….

    • slice

      April 16, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      only one pause I have in this story, the guy has only seen you once. I’m not sure what one can expect from someone you’ve only met once. i say keep talking to him and enjoy yourself and let him get to know you too. he barely knows you so right. i’d be more concerned if he wanted a relationship

    • Chimamanda's Main Squeeze

      April 16, 2014 at 10:02 pm

      I think you should communicate with him. Next time he says he wants to see you, politely ask why. He might be shy and looking for you to indulge him too. I also think you should invest less time in him since he isn’t saying much, maybe that will make him realize what he would miss if he doesn’t step up.

  22. pipi

    April 16, 2014 at 11:36 am

    how do i forget my nov 2012 to dec 2013 delusion… on stand by hoping he would come around… hiss that how i went to buy one foolish gown for 50 pounds just to impress him #shakes head#. It took a while but i came to my senses.

  23. OAE

    April 16, 2014 at 11:41 am

    Very true Toolz, I had that kind of mumu button thingy that I met a guy that I actually felt was the one that I lied to myself and my feelings. This was a guy that worked in my office who acted so nice to me especially after going through a bad breakup with my ex. After a while. I actually fell in love with him and was ready to be his stand by friend too only for him to say he is going for his masters and would not be ready for a relationship. Boy!! Was I disappointed. I then relegated myself to the friend zone hoping he would change his mind. After some months of trying to keep in touch after he left the country, I then had that note to self in which I realised that if someone wants to be with you, nothing can keep them from being with you. I have stopped keeping in touch with him and I have learnt from the grapevine that he is currently dating one so called female friend of his (or so he claimed then). though I still miss him sometimes and would give myself time to heal, it is always refreshing to know that I was able to give myself brain at the end of day.

  24. queen bee

    April 16, 2014 at 11:43 am

    I love this write -up ,its interesting and educative ….thumbs up

  25. oversabi

    April 16, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Held my breath till I finished this. I totally respect Toolz for her sense of honesty here. So many of us lie to ourselves even when we have a relationship with these men. He will change blah blah, he will come around, he will see that I am the only sun in the sky *u never reach Maiduguri make u see say the sun different* and the rest of it.
    While I mopped over my ex for two years, the guy was doing well at dating someone and marrying her in one year. Biko I “sharpishly” opened my eyes to realise time and tide truly waits for no one. Honesty with yourself gets u out of plenty drama as your strengths will probably be channeled in the right direction ,and your weaknesses appreciated by someone who truly loves u.
    If your friends don’t call u out ladies, bitch slap yourself, face the situation and move on.
    Again Toolz, Isio my sweetest writer and Atoke thanks a bunch for your updates.You make my 8-5 job less boring.

  26. Lola

    April 16, 2014 at 11:45 am

    In addition to Tolu’s advice, i will like to add my 2 cents : When a guy says “no”, dont try and make him say “yes”, like your friend said, if he wants you, he will go all out to have you, remember men are naturally designed to be the chasers, i believe everyone “the one” will come, no matter how long it takes, dont cut corners or try to play the role of a man while waiting your spouse..

  27. naana

    April 16, 2014 at 11:48 am

    ade my dear, if he has refused to read the writing on the wall, my sister “waka-pass’.
    on the other hand you can tell him and know his mind.
    but you need to control your emotions and let him work out the relationship.

    advice from me: if a guy is proposed to by a lady, she doesn’t need to put too much work because she is already in, but the guy needs to prove that he is worth her heart by making it work.

    wish you all the best.

  28. temmy

    April 16, 2014 at 11:48 am

    i can very well relate to this.its totally crazy.wise up ladies

  29. mia

    April 16, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    my hubby tells me i grew up too fast, so i guess that’s why things like this did not happen to me. first, i love to define my relationship, a guy is acting all nice, coming close to me and all, i ask you ho ha, “what do you want from me?” i tell you, it shocks most men out of their pretense because they know most ladies never have the nerves to ask such direct questions about relationship. so Ade, Skype with this guy(so you can at least have the chance to observe his facial expression and ask, “what do you want from me?” the response could be what you don’t want to hear but it will at least save you some precious time.

  30. Jack

    April 16, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    A babe in my office is currently not telling herself the truth as it concerns me. I am not leading her on in any way but she just wont leave me alone!

    • Bleed Blue

      April 16, 2014 at 12:56 pm

      ROTFL!

      Guy please call her nicely and explain she’s not the Jill to your Jack. Please make it a soft landing…these things can pain the soul. All the best!

    • Tru

      April 16, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      Eya…put a pix of your girlfriend on your desk. It sends a signal: “Territory marked” 😀

    • masked

      April 16, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      ROFLMAO…..I can’t believe i laughed this loud…Kai! Just tell her you read something very funny 2day and send her the link to this article. The scale may fall off after reading….loool

    • Ruri

      April 16, 2014 at 4:59 pm

      Lol @masked, the poor girl will be depressed if he sends her the link.

  31. jenny

    April 16, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    This article brings back terribly memories of how i was deceived into falling head over hills in love with a guy who claimed his wife living abroad was his long time girlfriend whom he had called it quits with but she just wouldn’t understand.In fact, i believed his story so much so that i begun to hate this girl especially when he claimed she had come on holidays a few months before we met and had gotten herself pregnant by him even though he had stated point blank that he wasn’t interested in their relationship anymore and as such wasnt ready for the child. I actually advised and even encouraged him to accept it and to even travel abroad for the birth of the child(or so i thought) only to find out from facebook later that he was actually married for four(4) years to this supposed by- force girlfriend and had been deceiving me all along.To make matters worse, everything he owned was actually thanks to this girl.

    • Blessmyheart

      April 16, 2014 at 8:22 pm

      Gotten herself pregnant by him? She stole his sperm and inserted it into her uterus? Sorry to go off topic but this just gets to me every time. Nonsense upon rubbish.

    • J

      April 17, 2014 at 3:48 am

      Help me ask her ooo. I’m sure when the woman got herself pregnant, the guy cheated on Jenny sef and she took him back only for her to realise that she was the side chick, smh!

  32. Fisa

    April 16, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    LOL like my ex……telling me he needed to pray about our relationship, he needed time and marriage is not yet on his plans, i should give him time. bla blaaaa. Only for the guy to break up with me over a flimsy excuse and went ahead to date someonelse even before he broke up with me. I eventually heard he’s getting married to her soon. And this is the same guy who kept telling me marriage is not yet part of his plans. SMH.
    When a man dosent want something you can clearly see the handwritting on the wall but we just keep deceiving ourselves and hoping he will change his mind. Girls pls be wary of TIME WASTERS…… Some guys will lead a lady on for 4, 5 years only for them to opt out leaving you broken hearted and depressed.

  33. iyke

    April 16, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    We are all equally susceptible, especially when anxiety gets the better of us. A little bit of self-deceit can be good for you. But when it comes to the core challenges of adult life career, money, sexual identity, relationship and marriage …. fooling yourself can have devastating consequences.

    • BC

      April 18, 2014 at 4:11 am

      well said

  34. DJ STELCH

    April 16, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    Toooooooolz, Ma Dear, Your soooo On Point!! Have Alot to ay though, but ima just keep umm to ma self..

    ……………..
    .
    .
    .
    ¤GROWN MAN IN A YOUNG BODY¤

  35. bunny

    April 16, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    i can relate o…am still lying to myself bt am doing mybest to move on…

  36. Miss colourful

    April 16, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Thanks! I really needed to hear that again…The excuses were just unending,had to pull that plug…unfortunately can’t seem to get him out of my system and bliv me I have tried all the tricks in the book..Someone pleaaaaassse help!!!

  37. Ade

    April 16, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Well. This is a very educative article. I’m a guy, 24 years. Jus finished at unilag n awaiting NYSC. Per time job in an advertising agency, nufin major tho. I’m dating this nice girl. We really connect n all, the sex is great (yh I said that). We both from different tribes n religious back grounds. As good as it seems, marriage is not in the books. We actually broke up, buh jus came back together somehow. I don’t want to be the guy that will cause her heart ache again (I fear God n women abeg). I’ve had my own bad experiences too n know how it felt. I really hope we iron things out n stop lying to one another.

    • memebaby

      April 16, 2014 at 2:32 pm

      hmmm bros.. you’ve already said marriage is not in the books..oya waka pass na! leave that sista alone.. just imagine if you some how string her along for more than a year hmmm that can be deadly.. both of you deserve better.

  38. LuLu

    April 16, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    I am currently going through this but mine is slightly different. Dating this guy for some months. we broke but we are back together now. i strongly suspect that we are back majorly because of sympathy. He acts like i am in a relationship with myself, says i am too clingy and all. He was an awesome bf until we broke up becos he claimed im desperate for marriage. i’m only 23 so how possible is this? Well, he said parents are tribalists and won’t let him marry outside his tribe. Now we are still dating but what a purposeless relationship this is! Pretty sad! i dunno if to get out or stay.

    • Warri Babe

      April 16, 2014 at 1:34 pm

      Sister, please na God wey I use take beg you, waka. I didn’t say stroll, na waka I talk. This one na bad business…what are you waiting for, why are you there? You know it’s of no use so don’t waste your time! Any relationship (including friendship) that doesn’t add anything positive to you isn’t worth YOU. YOU are very special and someone who knows your worth will come along soon.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 18, 2014 at 12:40 am

      I am with warri babe… WAKA oooo..
      I have dated a non yoruba before and break up/make up eventually broke up in the end becos his parents cant deal with yoruba. So pls move on hun. xxx

    • Bleed Blue

      April 16, 2014 at 1:34 pm

      Hmmm…Lulu…is it Ade?

    • anonymous me

      April 16, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      pls is Ade ur bf? his comment and urs seem to blend in somhw….lol, jst saying!!!

    • Ruri

      April 16, 2014 at 5:05 pm

      Lol, sounds like you are talking about Ade.

    • FM

      April 17, 2014 at 7:49 am

      Babe!!! RUN!!!!!!!

  39. @_deyemi

    April 16, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    Btw this “lying to youself” thing happens to guys as well. Had a friend who said he was in love & wanted to die there no matter the advice given. After abt 2yrs of plenty money on dates, airtime & gifts she declared for another guy

  40. Debilicious

    April 16, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    This piece is soooo on point! Couldn’t have said it any better! Thanks Toolz and keep it coming….

  41. Que

    April 16, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    I guess its learning season around me….#beenthere! Plus post rship with a guy u hope will return, plus being head over heels over d one who’s plan u dont know….I’ve learned welll! I cant be reserving seat for passenger wey fit don board another flight to a different destination! Being direct will save ur soul, after some growing on my part, I learned to just ask plainly n meeennnn confusion has seized to be my portion. The one wey no want, I lick my wounds, fantasize n snap back, then keep moving on! Life is confusing enough n can be a task to figure out, without adding a confused relationship status into d mix.

    I recently told someone I’d been getting close to over a 5month period, that my 5yr plan included being married wit a kid, cos we were talking rship repeatedly, n he was curious to know what i wanted. From our conversations he’d occassionally hinted that marriage wasnt his thing, n even his body language showed his worry about it….marriage doesnt have to happen right away for me, but i know i want it to happen someday when i’m more settled in this phase of my life, so denying that to please someone n then hoping eternally that he will have an epiphany after we’ve dated for say 2yrs…wasn’t something I was willing to chance abeg. We both had to clear our eyes off d kain likeness that had been growing, and life is good, we’re cordial cos he brings work my way…. I havent regretted being clear bout what I want….so much peace comes with it…questions -maybe, but peace -eventually. And I have learned not to second guess myself…this is a life saver for me. The key is in first knowing yourself, n then what u want from life. Pursue what u can, and life has a way of putting d rest in their places.

    Now one more lose end to tie…

    Thanks Toolz for being candid, and commenters with great suggestions.

  42. ade

    April 16, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    At the end of the day, never get too attached.

    • bella dama

      April 16, 2014 at 2:41 pm

      hmmmn! u can say that again! i met this dude late last yr who’s been separated for almost 4yrs, after a 6months marriage. i eventually started liking him and got really attached.
      Suddenly, he started singing his “no-marriage-in-my-agenda-unless-God-says-otherwise-song”. At first the thought came to me to chill that he might just change his mind, but seriosly?! that feels more like waiting for Godot!!! I’d rather be single! i spanked myself and called it off!

  43. Joan85

    April 16, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    See how Toolz has brought out the storyteller in everyone; the effect of good writing. 🙂 When a guy says “I’m not ready”, he means it o. I learnt the hard way, several times actually. *sigh*

  44. Ukanwa Nelson

    April 16, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    If he left, it simply means he wasn’t meant to stay, some relationships are not meant to last for a lifetime. I used to think there is something wrong with me, until I realized that God brings people in your life for a purpose/season, if they leave, it means I don’t need them in my future.

  45. Abike

    April 16, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Okay, mine is quite an epistle. I met this dude I connected with at a party and broke up with the guy I was dating( Mind you he had not asked me out then). I lavished him with attention for three years, but the fact was I was in -secured in the relationship. He never formally introduced me to his family or friends and each time I pointed it out, he would say, they knew. Stupid me, I tagged along. Last year, after feeling years rolled by and age not smiling on me again, I got more insistent and he said he had notified his church and the proceedings have commenced( He is a youth pastor with Christ Embassy). However the tune changed and he said HIS PASTOR has not given him the go ahead to do so. He told me to look elsewhere. I did but still retained him in my heart. Four months later when I sought him out to know what’s up, he said the status quo remained. I closed my heart and placed myself on the love mart. After a brief but doomed relationship, I met my current guy. Apart from our religious differences( He is a Jehovah Witness and I am a Sunday School teacher in Christ Apostolic Mission Church) we really do not have much issues. From the word go, he began to introduce me to his friends and family as his wife, even when I felt it wasn’t justified. But I forged ahead, and of course, my people are raising the dust, MY PASTORS have said I shouldn’t, religious differences, bla, bla bla. However, he has done everything in his power to be with me, he has been placed on suspension by the elders in his congregation( You know how Jehovah Witnesses could be if one marries outside the fold). I have no choice than to reciprocate, because how then would I define love if not that. So, Toolz, I agree with you. If a man really wants you, he would move heaven and earth to be with you.

    • madamnk

      April 18, 2014 at 6:24 am

      hang in there my dear. I’m a Jehovah’s witness too and I’m telling you to follow your heart. Man made rules/doctrines shouldn’t define you. As long as the both of you are happy, that;s all that matters 🙂

  46. ebiko

    April 16, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    good to see that this hasn’t only happened to me. Mumu-button: I laugh tire. I had mine on more times than I care to count. Thankfully, I’m older and wiser.

  47. Qu33n

    April 16, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    errrrrmmmm Ade n Lulu are u sure u guys are not dating….similar stories

  48. Fumesflakes.blogspot.com

    April 16, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    Thank you for this piece, went through this same crap of willing to give an arm and leg for a guy who didn’t care half as much. Worse, he led me on. i wrote about it on my blog a year ago. Today am happily married to a guy who did everything to get me.

  49. Dee

    April 16, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    Lulu and Ade…. (Cough cough) lol

  50. Grown Woman

    April 16, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    Some men and their mind games, ladies, kindly use that energy somewhere else instead of investing it in a man.When a man wants you, nothing will stop him, he will even cross that ocean for you lol Don’t be doing all this silly stuff just “To make him happy” because at the end of the day, a lady will come along the way and do jerk shit and that nigga will win her heart.

    • brownie

      April 16, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      Speaking of oceans, my newish bf literally crossed the north atlantic ocean to pursue me after only 2months of ” meeting” me via my cousin (we’d only been speaking and skyping up until when he came)! :)…talk about a world of difference from my ex who lives in the same country as me (2 hours train ride away) and it took him 5 years to make that journey. I also foolishly kept holding out and secretly praying/believing that he would come to his senses and pursue me as a man should. By the time he finally made that train journey, girl had moved on!

      As Toolz rightly said, a guy who’s interested will do everything possible to be with you. It is the way God has designed it. Man pursues woman, not the other way round. If you’re looking for examples, Jacob worked for 14years to win the woman he loved. Nuff said!

    • Easy n Gentle

      April 17, 2014 at 12:43 pm

      Well Jacob lived 4000+ years ago at the very least!!!! More and more, i have seen friends, very eligible young men, who are very unwilling to play the “chasing game”. They’d tell you “If we want it, we both should put in the effort”

  51. masked

    April 16, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    My comment has disappeared!

  52. sum1special

    April 16, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    @Tantra.. your story is similar to my bff.she met this guy and they have been seeing for about a month.The guy claimed he was over the moon in love with her,till one day he was suppose to come see her and he kept her waiting with no show.she got upset and called him raking on how he should have kept to his word.Days after,he refuses to pick her calls.she did everything possible to get him back,apologized,bought him gifts but till now the guy is still adamant on talking to her calls claiming that she was too forward.i advised her to move on,because if he loved her as much as she did.he would even be turned on that she cared so much about seeing him that day.He probably isn’t that into her.

  53. Anonymous

    April 16, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    Lovely write up Toolz!! I have a situation; i think or feel like am acting the ‘standby friend’ as well. check this- i broke up with this like 2 years ago, now dude adds me on the blackberry and we are both being all chummy. my question is 1. can you really be friends with your ex? 2. am i not just being delusional and hoping he will have an ‘aha’ moment and want me back? may be i should just delete him and keep it moving cos this friendship may just be holding me back.

    • Desert Rainbow

      April 16, 2014 at 11:12 pm

      Omoge campus! Been there,done thatI don collect bowl,bucket,polo,t-shirt and face cap for the matter…e no worth am.You certainly do not need the brotherliness from him…the dude still has you right where he wants you.Sprung…Nne check am naaaa!Like the body,wounds of the heart will heal much faster if we stop opening them so often to check if they are healing…All the best sis!Keep your head up.

  54. sugarspicy

    April 16, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    hmmm i use to like toolz a lot, but now i totally love her,it happened to me too o, just broke up frm a relationshp and was introduced to this guy, handsome,sweetspoken,intelligent and all,hmmm i said to myself,i know its you God,the guy too just broke up frm his relationshp too,we chatted,talked over our past, we both initially said we were not redi for anythn serious, but along the line time started speeding, he hardly calls, always sayin he is busy,shuo busy fire, i have a career and just been promoted at work and still find time to say hi, and all he can say is he is busy,it was hard o, infact still hard o, but have decided to close my heart and just take a walk,life is too short to wear long skirt o.I just feel that’s his lose anyway,infact at this mo, i have just had him deleted frm my bb contact,so i dont get tempted to get in touch…….jeez.if u want something, as in really really want something,then you go for it and stop giving excuses

  55. Uc

    April 16, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    hmmmm okay oo thank madam toolz

  56. ithappenedtome

    April 16, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Mine wasnt the guy, it was me. The guy was all wrong for me, he did and said things that would have sent any discerning woman running for the hills, but me, mba o, I held on even when I knew in my heart that I wasnt going to marry him (e be like say na jazz. lol). my family finally intervened cos they knew I was miserable in the relationship, I just couldnt leave. I finally dropped bobo like the bad habit he was. A year after, his family is begging that I come back to him, not gonna happen. been there,done that,not going back!!!

    • slice

      April 16, 2014 at 6:01 pm

      something close to mine. I wasn’t actually on standby but he thought I was and he feels guilty about it. One of these days i may help him understand that after he made the first couple excuses, i took myself off standby before he came with his speech about not wanting a relationship 🙂

  57. Stella

    April 16, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Thanks a bunch Toolz, I lied to myself twice now but it’s now in the past.

  58. Peachi

    April 16, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Jude & i…and ive given myself brain & moved on..

    • Anonymous

      April 16, 2014 at 9:05 pm

      Lomzzy 007

  59. ronke

    April 16, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Toolz how did you deal with the pain? Please i need to know how you dealt with the pain.

    • Miss Anonymous

      April 16, 2014 at 5:09 pm

      Time usually heals such wounds.

      I Put myself on standby for this dude some years ago, but I had the good sense to ask him what we were doing and he promptly said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I held on, hoping he would change his mind. Fast forward a few months later, I saw this girl’s picture on his bed side cabinet and instinctively I knew he was seeing her. That was the last time I set foot in his house. They were married less than two years later. I remember then I would see his car (which he had given to her) in traffic on my way to work, and would see her at the back and my mind would go back to the nights we kissed and cuddled in that same car, and tears would well up in my eyes…

      Guess what? Six years later, it turns out the chic and I work in the same building. I’ve seen her a couple of times in the lift and I feel nothing! Not envy, not even longing to be in her shoes!

      So time will definitely sort you out 😉

    • Elizabeth

      April 16, 2014 at 7:02 pm

      Really like this Amen, I can’t wait to be off the stand-by train also or for time to fast forward already because in the deepest of my heart i know someday i’d look back and say seriously but right now it just hurts it has been like 5months now, I have tried to retain minimal contact but hardly does a day go by that I don’t think about him. Sad thing is no one else like yet to feel the void, can’t wait abet ….in fact the whole thing is deliberately making me harden my heart all this mushiness is just too much drama, weakness and headache abet….really can’t wait to be overrit!

  60. Tolulope

    April 16, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Okay o

  61. Ojuola

    April 16, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    In fact, God bless you Toolz for this word in season. In a similar scenario and put my mugu button in the mail. Giving myself brain and recalling package.

  62. Miss Tay

    April 16, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Ha Ododo oro (true words)….I am so glad I let go when this happened to me. Took me years but I’m over him/it. Thank you Lord. Tools, Good bless you Hun

  63. FRANCIS GRACE

    April 16, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    TOOLZ D’ BABE!!! if only u know d 1daful tin u just did wit dis article, to make babes open eye n see clearly. anytim i Google or Youtube you, u’re always amazing with d celebrities interview. dis article is mmmwahhhh!!!!

  64. #confusedgirl

    April 16, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    Toolz I so love you. Your shared thots have given me the strength to forge ahead in my decision. I am in a messed up relationship, I am not so sure I love the guy like I used too but the annoying thing is that he is the first boyfriend that I can say really knows me and how to handle my excesses and due to this I respect him a lot. However he has anger problems to the extent he beat me over a little issue last december.I broke up with him after then but he begged me and has been remorseful since then but my mind just keeps telling me am in a pity relationship. Maybe because he lost his job last year and I don’t want to be the girl that suddenly left her boyfriend or maybe because I want to prove to my family that he is not as bad as they think he is. Its really shitty for me now because I don’t want him to feel like am leaving him cos he doesnt have a job and am the one practically helping him. Please advice on the best way to go about this.

    • Person

      April 16, 2014 at 6:54 pm

      Errm. He beat you because he lost his job and was under a lot of stress? A man PHYSICALLY hit you?! And you still want to continue helping him? Bet why? Are you his God ni? Abi, you are his family? Wetin consign agbero with overload?! Yall slay me sometimes. You know what to do: he beat you once, he will beat you again. And maybe someday kill you like Titi Arowolo’s husband killed her.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 18, 2014 at 12:59 am

      YOU KILLED IT.. I love the comeback.
      Many things, I can stand but VIOLENCE, any form of it, I cant and will NEVER stand it. Any form of abuse verbal or mental. Period.

      PLS WAKA O…. quick quick. You can forgive him from afar but not be with him. x

    • esteelauder

      April 17, 2014 at 8:47 am

      Please Confused girl, I beg you to leave that guy. Don’t ever stay in a relationship out of pity, even Jesus that died for us on the cross would never force anyone into a relationship with him, talk less of a man that can’t give a finger up for you and he beat you up once !!!!!!!. Be wise

  65. N. M.

    April 16, 2014 at 5:45 pm

    Nice right up Toolz. this I can relate to, I have actually deleted his number from my phone so I don’t have to call him, and am doing just find, even though am not seeing anybody at the moment.

    • Plush

      April 17, 2014 at 8:21 am

      Strength to you Dear.
      This number deleting….You know when we ladies are into a guy that much, we tend to ‘absorb’ all we can about the person, which may mean, knowingly or not, you’ve got the number offhand, so the physical deleting alone may not suffice.
      Stronger willpower and discipline needed then I guess.

  66. Tayo

    April 16, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    hmmmm Toolz u def not on dis alone

  67. Anonymous

    April 16, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Cheers

  68. Toolz

    April 16, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Hello everyone! Just going through your comments makes me feel much better about being such a ‘mumu’ for that guy – good to know we are plenty….but even better to know we lived those mistakes and learned from them. For the ppl asking how I got over it. ..time. It did hurt a lot but when you realise that someone can’t love you the way you need that’s like 80% of the battle.
    Thank you for reading and I’m glad lots of you enjoyed it!
    Toolz

  69. xx

    April 16, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    IN NEED OF ADVICE PLS… So I got close to this guy at work and really liked him. he is the quiet type so I assumed he was shy to make the first move so I kept calling and trying to get close to him, then one day he tells me he is not ready for a relationship and wouldn’t want to hurt me so we should put a little distance in our friendship, no more night chats, calls etc. We talk whenever we see each other at work (maybe once a week) and he always tries to walk up to me and say hello and make little conversation even when I’m trying to dodge and act like I didn’t see him. We still remained friends and he is always so nice to me. Deep down I still have feelings for him but I’ve accepted the fact that he’s not that into me. About two weeks ago, his tab got broken and I know how much his tab meant to him so I decided to get him another. Nothing too fancy just something he can manage till he gets another. Infact its sitting in my house right now as I planned to give him tomorrow. Reading this article made me have a rethink.. is this a good idea or will I be sending the wrong message? I’m not doing this to win his love or anything, just being nice but i don’t know if it’s a good idea…

    • Person

      April 16, 2014 at 6:50 pm

      You are a learner. You bought a man who has EXPRESSLY told you he isn’t interested in you a new tablet because you know how much it means to him? smh. Mugun plenty.

    • Fountain of Paper

      April 16, 2014 at 7:20 pm

      I hope you kept the receipt of the tablet?

    • arin

      April 21, 2014 at 4:41 pm

      Hahahahahaahahahahahahah oh my!!! Bella Naija always makes my day!!!!!!

    • storystory

      April 16, 2014 at 10:22 pm

      fountain of prayer killed me…. baby use that receipt and return that tab. it seems u are new to the game. u have not heard of men who follow women cause they know the woman has money to spend. do u want to be that woman. whose husband only married her cause shes his sugar mummy. if thats what u want run along and give him the tablet. he would come back crawling to u. and u would live happily ever after until he finds his one true love. i thought i was a learner but it seems there are people out there that are worse than me. sister if u have misplaced that receipt give that tab to that ur friend that will appreciate it or do give away here on BN….

      u want to go and embarrass yourself in your office. your own work place. u want to be teh joke and laughing stock.

      sorry if i sound somehow i just didnt know your type still existed in 2014. me too im a learner in some areas o. its not like i know it well. after all i have been d standby chick before

    • Easy n Gentle

      April 17, 2014 at 10:59 am

      On the flipside, i know guys can be very unsure about ladies to go for especially when it comes to settling down permanently and serious relationship stuffs. Its not a decision a Matured dude will make based simply on emotions of “like” and intense attraction. This kind of very thoughtful gift might be a plus one for you. But the trick always is, with a Man, NEVER EVER TRY TOO HARD!!! NEVER!!!!

  70. Dr. Betty

    April 16, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    @person haba that was mean Na! @xx pls don’t give him nada, you might think you are just being nice but might not think same, shebi you pple work in the same office, I believe he can sort himself out. Trust me you really don’t want to be the mug person called You. Back to the matter, this thing hurts so bad oh. the whole waiting, hanging there, counting as the years go by, kai! or four years I lied to myself, dreaming that one day he would see the and comeback to me. I did everything I cld to make to work. The one thing that helped me heal was that I moved out of naija and d time I’ve spent without seeing his face. I deleted him from everywhere deleteable.

  71. Africhic

    April 16, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    Story of 2013. That’s how i kept hanging on for a guy i met, someone introduced us, i am sure he knew that we were not introduced to play suwe. After a few months he would come here i went to his city once. nothing was happening i decided to ask him and he said he wasn’t ready he needed to make more money. At 43 years old how much more money do you need? To me he seemed really comfortable financially. I hung on, after a while he couldn’t call because of work, he was sick, his phone was bad (are you kidding me) i gave him 10 months of last year. i had to speak to myself, i am still single but i believe i am better off without him

    • slice

      April 16, 2014 at 9:32 pm

      lol at introduced to play suwe.

    • Easy n Gentle

      April 17, 2014 at 11:02 am

      LOL!!! Introduced to play suwe line made my morning

    • Dee

      April 17, 2014 at 4:43 pm

      Yes o, you are much better off!

    • Purpleicious Babe

      April 18, 2014 at 1:44 am

      Na bruv…. that dude is emmm (i reserve my comment).. lol. sorry but at 43yrs old???
      Goodluck to anyone that marries him seriously at that age?
      I always say a man that is 30 or past 30 and does not know what he wants?? Wara shame, I have no hope, NADA. I dont care about the excuses, NO HOPE. KAPESH.

  72. storystory

    April 16, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    a friend told me about a story of a lady who dated this guy for about 5 years. he was the love of her life and everything. there was this guy who was interested in her while she was dating her supposed “love of her life”. this guy was serious. he wanted to marry her and everything but she was forming loyalty to her love. anyways years passed by and “love of her life” still hadnt popped the wuestion. mind u they werent young neither were they poor. what they both had was sufficient for them to start a family. anyways babe decided to ask dude how far marriage and all. dude said he never told her he planned on getting married. that he doesnt see marriage in his future and that hes fine where they are now. if she wants kids hes ready to father children with her but he will never marry her. now my dearest sister doesnt know what to do. where to start from.

  73. storystory

    April 16, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    ladies lets all wise up. even when u enter a relationship with a guy ask him where u guys are going. cause these days men just want baby mamas. they arent ready to make an honest woman out of someone. dont go and fetch water in a basket o. this is 2014

  74. bee

    April 16, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    @Africhic,loools at we were not introduced to play suwe!God will settle you girl.

  75. omodolapo

    April 17, 2014 at 1:37 am

    Nice write up.

  76. chibest

    April 17, 2014 at 2:22 am

    I’ve neva ever commented on issues on topics lyk this before bt I can’t help this.About eight months ago this matured looking ‘brother’ approached an elderly man who also happens to be my departmental head obviously for a serious relationship with me.I initially gave. A really cold shoulder but later gave in after some time.My mumu button was probably turned very off cos after some time he reported to the man that I wasn’t serious meanwhile I had not seen any seriousness in him as he was always evasive.He obviously expected me to throw myself at him cos he was well off.To cut a very long story short, he invited me to his house and actually wanted to have sex with me which I quietly declined without making any fuss.That was the first and last time he invited me over again.Subsequently ‘bro’ became xtremely evasive.Finally in oct I decided to test his patince and didn’t reply his bbm chats twice and call in just one week.guess wat !the neext time that ‘bro’ saw me he walked past me without even a hi and stopped talking to me thereafter.I actually couldn’t care less.Just 2 sundays ago my dept head told me ‘bro’ will be getting married this weekend.trust me I made sure I took out time to meet him after church service to congratulate him in advance,the look on his face was priceless.He was shocked to say the least.It showed he was obviously thinking that info would break me. The bottomline;ladies guard your heart and use ytour head.Some wicked men are out there who would do anything to destroy your peace of mind.

    • mra

      April 17, 2014 at 1:54 pm

      Hmmm what i wont give to see that ‘priceless’ face!
      That’s what I always tell girls going through a break up – always imagine the worst case scenario – He marries before you and even has kids before you! Maybe one day even drives pass you on the road (waiting for danfo!). If you can be honest with yourself and admit that he might in the short run do better than you then your real healing can begin.
      The best revenge you can give a bad ex is to be indifferent, to be Healed!!

  77. Eve82

    April 17, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Thanks for the article Toolz…and everyone who left a comment. I have indeed learnt a lot.

  78. ola

    April 17, 2014 at 7:28 am

    Lol we all have been in this situation before . Mine was when I finished secondary school. I was 16 met this 32 year old guy who kept calling me. I was loving up gan ni o, be like say then jazz mi. Na so I dey use my starcomms den dey call, morning and night and we never talked about anything sensible. Till the day we planned to meet and he bought me one God forsaken meat pie like this, in my mind I was happy. After that day he never called again, I kept calling o like mad. One day the guy even shouted at me that he will ban me from calling choi… i suffer maybe because I was fat na why he no call again o. Only for me to call him again and a woman picked and said she’s his fiancee dat did I not know he was engaged. ..my heart chattered to a million pieces. He took the fone from her dat and told me not to call him again o..dat he did he’s engagement a week before… going forward d guy got me in Facebook after seeing dat av blossomed and lost weight….giving me films excuse dat him and he’s wife broke up… i just told him straight up am engaged and showed him my ring… mumu guy

  79. Ayana

    April 17, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Nice one Toolz… I’ve been down that road too but at least your guy was half decent to admit earlier on that he wasn’t interested in a relationship… My situation wasn’t that decent… it was lies, lies, lies and more lies.

    Looking back now… i feel like thumping myself but we live and we learn….

  80. Chima

    April 17, 2014 at 9:24 am

    The phrase ‘if someone really wants to be with you or be a friend, he/she will do everythg within his/her power to be that’ became clear to me in 2 scenarios
    1. A guy who was my classmate all thro secondary schl. some how he had shown interest to have a relationship with me (my instincts, he didn’t say anythg) and bec i didn’t want it i was dodging. i avoided him for yrs. he will comment on my pics on FB, leave me msgs (nothing abt Love though, just checking up on me) but i didn’t reply. i was just keeping my dist. until one day i decided to reply him and we got chatting online on. Happens he has a GF whom he can die for and just wanted to be my friend.
    2. Another guy whom i was close to just as friends. we hung out a lot and kinda got really close. Until one day i made a mistake of calling him rude bec while we were chatting (fighting anyway) he suddenly stopped responding, to me i thot he switched off his phone cos i knw he can do that when he is mad. so i was mad i sent him a msg saying it was rather rude for him to switch off his fone while we were still chatting. The next day when we met, he explained he didn’t switch off his fone bla bla bla …….. in fact long story short he was furious for me calling him rude. And he didn’t talk to me for almost a year. during dis period my ‘mumu button’ was on there was nothing that i didn’t do. but he remained adamant.
    So i started talking to myself. Giving myself all the advice i thot i cld give. then i came across dis phrase ‘if someone really wants to be with you he/she will do everythg within his/her power to be with you’. After reflecting over it for a while and comparing scenario 1 and 2, i just stopped trying. I was hurting though, but i knew for sure friendship no be by force.

  81. Emerie

    April 17, 2014 at 9:24 am

    Informative writeup. I commend tools for her honesty. I just want to add that girls should be mindful of a man’s relationship history or the way he relates with his Ex gfs. Sometime in 2012,a guy started chasing me, he was literally pressuring me for a serious relationship. He even got my friends to help him out. Hmm,i almost give in just before i noticed dat he was pasting and sharing a girl’s pix on fbook. He said she was just an ex and that they had a bad break up. That was when i recoiled cos i knew and felt he was still in love wit her despite the break up. Boy,i was so right,he just sent me an invite to his trad marriage to the same Ex. Thank God i trusted my intuition,i never felt it was right sharing and pasting an Ex picture all over fbook.

  82. Emerie

    April 17, 2014 at 9:31 am

    My point is a man can be friendly with an ex but you need to watch out cos they never really get over that Ex sometimes. They need to be over a relationship bf jumping into another. They may be looking for emotional healing or rebounding in the arms of another lady. Thank God i saw those signs and left on time.

  83. To thyself be true

    April 17, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Its so sad reading all these comments. These things were avoidable but we walked into it by ourselves.

    There are a handful of men waiting to die on you alone, but we give them no face. They call, visit, buy gifts, have sleepless nights but we dont value them.

    On the other hand, the ones that doesnt send are the ones we wanna kill ourselves ontop.

    God knows the partner you need that will fit you and accomodate your excesses. It was God who said “It is not good for a man to be alone”, not Adam. God knew what Adam needed for him to be complete. Many a times we neglect the ones God had sent our way for the ones who seem okay financially, facially, physically…. You cant use your head to choose who will complete you.

    My take is this. If many of us were/are willing/ready to accept God’s will for us, we would have gotten our partners long ago, prolly with 3kids now, but we wanna choose by ourselves and by our head. Recall those who had been on your case for ages but you dont have their time (Not one, not two)

    There is a way which seemeth right unto man but the end thereof is destruction!

    • Emerie

      April 17, 2014 at 10:49 am

      Well,i don’t even think it’s about who is financially stable or otherwise. Cos i’ve seen well to do and educated women go for less finciancially or less educated men yet it did not work out. U can’t predict if a r/tionship with dat poor man down your street will work. It’s all about seeking God’s guidiance and being WISE enough. A girl that wants to remain a virgin till marriage,for example, cannot and should not accept an invite for tutorials in a guy’s room,there are better places like Library or classrooms.
      The issue is that girls go into certain relationships without their heads. Financially stable or not,good looking or not, we need to be wise and seek the face of God.

    • Dee

      April 17, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      Well said!!

    • slice

      April 17, 2014 at 8:15 pm

      well said. plus sometimes it’s hard to know who is lying. it’s not every guy that is moving slowly that’s lying. i see girls sometimes call their man back to back and get mad but he can’t answer cause he’s in an important meeting. i know it’s true cause i’m in the meeting too but the girl won’t gree. u don’t love me etc. there’s another guy gisting in a restaurant and lying abt a meeting. sometimes, u have to give it time to know which is which. in hind sight, it’s always easy to see that the person was lying but not the case when you’re in it gan gan

  84. Omodolapo

    April 17, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Am a 25yrs old guy,not comfortable tho,met dis girl late lst yr,she told m she has a bf tho n i was contented wit bein fwnds wit her,our feelins grown 4 each other along d line coz we do chat always on bbm,whatsapp n co evn c ourselve almost evryday,i was so attached 2 her n i evntualy ask her out knwin shez in a relationship wit sum1,we were in a relationship until they cal dia strike off,dat was wen d problem starts,she wont return ma cals,we dont chat on bbm lyk we use 2 anymore,evryfin i do dis days annoys her,we evn got in2 a fight on fone simply bcoz she isnt hearin m clearly n she had 2 switch off her fone coz of m,i ask her point blank weda she still as feelins 4 m or m forcin it n she said shez still in luv wit ne,her attitude 2wards me has changed eva sincr she went back 2 schl,am 2 attached 2 dis girl n am criously in luv wit her,i evn hope i get settled wit her sumday,buh i ont fink she feels dsame xpecially wen she broke up wit m 2wice.Cn a heart realy luv 2.2 ladies wu felt na only ladies dis fins hapns 2,i tel u dia ar lot of guys dia wu aint jst lucky wit ladies n i 4got 2 add her bf is in dsame school wit her.dont knw wat 2 do anymore coz i find it very hard 2 leave her buh m not getin d atntion i used 2 get anymore n i luv her wit all ma heart.pls i fink i need crious advice

    • Ada

      April 17, 2014 at 4:14 pm

      Sweetheart please write English!! This your response gave me a headache.

    • Dee

      April 17, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      Omodolapo, I think you need to read the signs and move on. From all indications, this lady is not really interested in a serious relationship with you. The fact that (from what I could gather from your comment) she’s still dating someone else says a lot. The fact that she doesn’t really seem to have time for you says even more. And you’re right, it happens to both women and men… we all fall for people who don’t feel the same way sometimes. But no worries, it’ll hurt for a while but you’ll eventually find someone who returns your feelings.

  85. YEMI ROCK

    April 17, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    I can definitely relate to this article….I was ‘friends’ with this guy for a year with the hope that it would lead to something more. Boy was i wrong! all the while he had been telling me he wasn’t ready for marriage, he met an “akata” via a dating website,the girl came to Nigeria and they got married! To cut the long story short, I told him to go to hell and @#$$ himself. And I moved on… Us girls know the truth but sometimes we choose to deceive ourselves. The moment you feel something is not right then something is not right. Please let us our heads…

    • slice

      April 17, 2014 at 8:16 pm

      lol u sure say no be green card he dey find

    • Kemi

      April 17, 2014 at 10:56 pm

      Amen sister!

  86. PromQueeen

    April 17, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    This comment is a bit late but i hope someone responds to this PLEASE…There is this guy in my office that i really like,our friendship grew from expecting nothing to being VERY attracted to each other. My problem is,he is very handsome and a has LOADS of female friends and attracts lots of female attention too ..anyways,we talked about the fact we find each other attractive but can’t date cos we work in the same office,even though i agreed with him,i can’t deny the fact i still have feelings for him and seeing him everyday doesn’t help in moving on and all but i feel if he REALLY wanted to commit and be with me,us working in same office,won’t be much of a big deal…do i sound confused?

    • Eve82

      April 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      If a man wants to be with you, he will really find a way to make it happen…that is the only thing I can tell you. You might want to read this article one more time, and try to slowly absorb it 🙂

    • Carnations

      April 17, 2014 at 9:38 pm

      My dear, you guys had the conversation and you both came to a conclusion. If the guy really wants to be with you, he will devise a way for the work environment not to be a deterrent. Guys are extremely creative and usually don’t give up on something they are passionate about. You need him to be passionate about you. Anything short of that is something you shouldn’t lose sleep over. It sucks that you have to see him everyday but you definitely have power over you emotions. He should be willing to do the work to be with you, NO EXCUSES! Every woman deserves that, including you!

    • Kemi

      April 17, 2014 at 10:54 pm

      In all honesty, I think you just solved your own problem when you wrote “i feel if he REALLY wanted to commit and be with me,us working in same office,won’t be much of a big deal.” Like you said all the females want him and he’s very handsome. That shouldn’t stop him, I understand that it may affect both of your work if you had both decided to date and it ends up sour, but when you feel that you may love someone, then nothing should stop you right? soooo I don’t think he’s the one for you. Sorry if you find this to be unhelpful and if you find it helpful then yaaaaay! 🙂

  87. sapphire

    April 17, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    I have been with this guy for over 2 years now. He once walked on me because ‘the sparks had died’. In my love-drenched status, i begged him and we got back together. He gets very confrontational when i talk about the future, sometimes he just plays the quiet card. Now, he has started the same gimmick he played but i am older now. i will play along, then invite him to my wedding. My long skirts have just been reduced to micro-mini skirts because ‘ i cannot come and die because of one not-to-be-taken-seriously dude.

  88. Kemi

    April 17, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    I’m glad I’m reading this because I was in that type of dilemma before as well, and for ages I convinced myself that he would come to his senses, there were good and bad times. When he was good, he was really good and those times would convince me that he truly does want to be with me, but it just wasn’t a good time, and he was also a Christian, we went to the same church, so I stupidly believed that he would have the same mentality as I did.

    Although he didn’t bring a girlfriend or anything like that, I still had my suspicions, especially when I found some pretty intimate picture of him and his female “friend”, even if he did have one or was talking to other girls, what could I have done considering the fact that we were not in a “relationship”? I put up with this for 3 years, nearly 4years (from when I was 15 and now I’m 19), but I’m glad we’ve cut ties now.

    We finally talked about our situation it was going good until he said that he wants to “focus” on himself and he doesn’t think it’s the right time for us, maybe in the future (future kor, future ni kmt) and since we’re going to university this year, it would not be a good idea – this was how I finally decided that I was an mu squared, the biggest mumu of the century lool 3 years and some months you know!

    One of my close friend also gave me the same advice (thank God for good friends) but I did not listen, I could have saved myself the heartache ages ago, but what is done is done.
    Thank you for this article, it’s beautiful and I can totally relate to it <3

  89. mariam

    April 18, 2014 at 2:31 am

    GOD bless u all, just wat I needed @ d ryt tym.

  90. Simone

    April 18, 2014 at 10:16 am

    It hurts so bad to be in love with somebody who does not feel the same about you. I have been dating this married (only traditional) guy for over 3 years. The guy is my first ever boyfriend and since i have been dating him, he never spends a full year with me. He travels from time to time and when he is away, he does not keep in touch. He comes back always expecting me to be his girlfriend until he has to travel again to forget that i am even part of his life. Once he came back after some time abroad and refuse to make love to me for over a month pretexting that he had too many things on his mind and needed to concentrate on his studies. One day he could not kept his words and almost raped me as i made it clear to him that he will no longer get it from me.It’s been 3 years i have been dating this guy and 3 years that i never seen pictures of his family or been introduced to them, three years that the guy keep telling me that he will divorce his wife through custom. The guy has a child with the wife and i found it all by doing some research on the net. I felt like the guy was wasting my time after so many years being together and not knowing about each other’s family. I told him that we needed to part because he does not belong to me but to his wife. I told him that he does not love me equally. When we make love he is always scare that i get pregnant and always advise me on getting the morning after pill. What kind of guy is that? I still love the guy, but i have accepted that he is making a mockery of me and does not deserve me at all, so i have decided to let him go. He keeps telling me that he wants to marry me after divorcing his wife, that he has started talking about me to his family and so and so. If i keep on waiting for somebody who cannot express love to me, make love to me with real love and passion, miss me for real, spoil me from time to time, communicate with me…then i am the one abusing myself and i would have passed child bearing age for that person. Let me enjoy being single until the right man comes along rather than be sorry and suffer the anguish of being with a rat and allowing it to happen to me. I should love myself not to let that happen. Sometimes i felt guilty because he is my first ever boyfriend past the age of 25 and i feel like i don’t really know how to satisfy him in bed. For instance i really struggle to perform well doing some position. But then again, i am just finding excuses to justify his negligence over me. I am real sad over this, but time will heal my scars

  91. hmmmm

    April 18, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    stop claiming that you are a Jehovah’s Witness. I know them and they will never say what you just said.

  92. PromQueen

    April 18, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    Thanks kemi,carnations and eve…in as much as its a bitter pill to swallow,
    I will heed your advice but we are already friends,how do I move
    On?it’s so bad that I feel bad each time I deliberately ignore
    Texting him cos I miss out friendship.. the truth is,he even puts
    In more effort than I do and whines every time i act like I don’t
    Care but dunno how to be a “friend” and control my emotions at the
    Same time…we’re now so used to each other that we even kiss,somebody
    Help biko lol it’s not funny anymore.

  93. Fickle

    April 19, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    This is somehow like what happened to me difference is we eventually got together after 2 years and all the “I want to give you my all speech” bobo gave me fast forward 5 months we broke up and some girl i call my friend had the guts to tell me i dint fight for him i just let him go ….I agree with you toolz if someone really wants you in their life they will show it.

  94. Christiana Mimigurl

    April 22, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    this is real…it happens everytime and everywhere

  95. Blesson

    April 22, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    This is so true, been in da shit recently but thank God i keep slapping myself couple times that if he want u, he will def be with you…But not easy tho lol… It just so sad when you don’t get the love in return and our Emotions can be very Stubborn from admitting the truth. The annoying part of it is that those you don’t love are the ones that so much care and would beg for ur love… Life is just funny!!

  96. Carnations

    April 22, 2014 at 5:01 pm

    PromQueen, the situtation is becoming that of ‘friends with benefits’ (I stand to be corrected if i am wrong). If you are looking for a fling and a friend to mess around with, then go ahead and entertain him. Enjoy the time you both spend together and know exactly what you are doing. However, if you want to be in a committed relationship with someone that genuinely cares about you and you feel the same way about him, i say be firm with him and stand your ground. If you want more out of your friendship let him know (again) and if he doesn’t feel the same way then you need to be the one to take care of your emotions. He may be attracted to you but just not ready to committ to you (no crime in that). If you keep hanging out with him, your feelings for him will continue to grow especially when it is only the two of you. Avoid him outside the office space as much as you can (at least you have control over that). I wish you all the best and i pray you hold yourself in high esteem with whatever decision you make. Toodles!

  97. MsChief

    April 24, 2014 at 9:59 am

    these stories remind me of ME. lool, most people i know say i am a smart intuitive young lady. hardworking too and knows what she wants. when it comes to relationships, all these ‘qualities’ disappear! i will know these men arent people i can end up with ever but will still date them. somewhere in their litttle minds, they think they are playing me, smh, i just let them keep their thoughts until i am tired. Very bad habit. i have changed though *big smile*

  98. Fade

    April 24, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Hehehehe, it is well. Except you are looking for “Suwe” @Africhic, then a guy is certain if he wants to be with you from the first few meetings/ encounters. Putting yourself on standby or slow motion for a guy might never change his mind, unless you have a game plan on how he would fall for you overtime. my 2 cents.

  99. Wisdom Love

    May 20, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Well written….been there had the women even thrown in my face was called every name in the book but a woman in love . I was in denial at first and then it hit me i am worth much more It got to the point my emotions helped composed a brilliant email to him that had no ounce of desperation but more of an appreciation thanking him for the wisdom and love i learned to give through him. I figured men like that are used to women screaming and making it all about them why dont you switch it up …show him how it made you feel. I basically wrote our whole relationship in an email without the bitterness . After the whole thing 3 days later he started the chase again each time he disrespected me i would delete him and put myself back out there and never speak to him. You have to show them that you are the exception. I said if you cant respect me enough to keep them out of my sight i dont respect you enough to show you the deep love i hold inside. We forgave each other for the past hurt but what im doing different now is the love is here im just not gonna let him waste my time ….

    I will never forget the day i met the side chick lmao i saw her didnt say a word just deleted him he came running in my direction asking to speak to me in circle of guys….

    I may not be with him now but i make sure the love im giving versus getting is even keel that way no one feels over stretched

    I never forced him to commit i just showed him i dont need to check his phone to know he is cheating sometimes these things are spiritual you have dreams etc

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