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Chidinma Eke: After the Vows… What Next?

Chinma Eke

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I watched the video of the nanny abusing the baby with so much pain in my heart, and all through the day that was all I could think of. Then the thoughts, and questions began to trickle in. It began with…this could be my child in the near future.
That thought jarred me so much and increased the pain I was feeling already. I asked myself; after the vows, what next? Just this past weekend, my mom and I had the ‘mother-daughter talk’(mostly, she talked, I pretended to listen) again on how; at my age she was married, I need to hurry encourage my man to the alter soon, bla bla bla. All these thoughts raced through my mind and I asked myself; after the vows, what next?

After our millions of Naira wedding, with the beautiful dresses and the sky-scraper cake (which no one gets to eat). After the beautiful but expensive aso-ebi (which majority of the people who bought it struggled to and did just to save face), and the mostly useless souvenirs, what next? Everybody leaves after the wedding reception and it’s me and dear husband left to begin our new lives and soon after, the children start coming, and this brings me to the crux of my thoughts; how would I manage?

How would I manage an eight-five, Monday to Friday job that needs me to wake-up by 4am everyday prepare and leave the house by 5:45, to begin the daily traffic commute in order to be at work before 8am, and spend another two to three hours (average) on the return journey. As a single lady, with no husband and kids to care for, I’m usually dead tired at the end of the day, so how would I manage a husband, children and a career I love, successfully, without one or more suffering.

So, while I had my thinking hat on, I examined my options. I haven’t ever been a fan of the live-in-help system, as I’ve seen the damage they can do. Also, I do not want my kids to have to begin crèche at 3 months; because, not just that it isn’t proper and healthy, the thought of dropping my kids off at 6am to pick them up by 8pm just leaves me cold and repulsed. This leaves me with the last idea I thought would work prior to my watching the video; my mom and a nanny.

My mom is a teacher; her work timing isn’t like mine. So I thought; she would help out in supervising the nanny so I don’t get to leave my children alone with caregivers for long hours while I’m working. But, seeing the brutality with which the nanny ‘cared’ for the child, I’m left with doubts and a conviction that my kids won’t go through this, even if it means me resigning to care for them.

I kept on thinking of all the possible ailments that could arise from such treatment; head-brain injury, internal bleeding, broken bones, collapsed lungs, even death. The parents of that child could have come home to a dead child (God forbid). I remembered a story I heard in secondary school of a maid that suffocated the baby in her care, cleaned up and lay the baby as though she were asleep. When the child’s mother returned home she said the child was asleep, the mother only looked in on her child to find a cold, dead baby and the maid claimed to know nothing about it. It was only discovered when the maid boasted to the hearing of their neighbor on how to get rid of troublesome children to make the ‘work’ in the home easier. The world truly is wicked.
So I’m left with questions. How does a career woman balance work and home? (All the women I’ve seen do it have external help; good or bad.) What options are available to the woman who doesn’t want to expose her children to the unknown?

This got me thinking further; if our roads and transportation system were in order, would I need to leave home that early? Would I have to spend an average of six hours every day commuting to and from work in order to make ends meet?

Maybe we need to ask our government to help us keep ideal homes, by providing an enabling environment that doesn’t see us spending half our lives in traffic. Maybe we should insist the recent law passed by the Lagos State government increasing maternity leave from three to six months (for the first two children) become a federal law, and be enforced even in the private sector. Also, all employers should be encouraged to have child care facilities in the building to help working mothers. Also, all this ‘concerned’ relatives that keep asking us to get married and have kids would they help me care for my kids?

Seriously; how do I achieve a healthy work-home relationship?
I have no answers to these questions, I shared these questions with a married colleague who laughingly told me; ‘when you get in, you’ll find a system that will work for you.’ But for me who by nature likes to have a solid plan in place before I embark on anything, I’m still asking; after the vows, what next?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Sam74100

Chinma Eke is a story teller with a hyperactive imagination, who gets inspiration from most everything; from events, to Lagos traffic to bath water temperature. She’s passionate about writing, children education, and buying and selling (in no particular order). She writes at www.chinmaeke.wordpress.com, and is @chinmaeke across all social media.

60 Comments

  1. bruno

    December 3, 2014 at 8:04 am

    pls not all nannies or care givers are the same. get that mentality out of ur head.

    let ur mother supervise the nanny, are you the only child of ur mother, doesnt your mother have her own life.

    when a woman gives birth, the woman’s mother will like to come around and help but trust me, after some time, ur mother will get tired and park her things back to the village.

    if you dont want a maid or help looking after ur child, then u have to quite ur job. thats the price you will have to pay.

    nigerian government shouldnt be responsible for the way u run ur house hold or the way u raise ur kids.

    if ur afraid of hiring a maid, install secret cameras, interview several maids, dont just hired anybidy ur anty or mother brings to u from the village. avoid little girls as maids. if u can hire someone who has kids

    • MS,ichie

      December 4, 2014 at 7:41 pm

      Dear Bruno on this matter stick to your own lane. You are not a woman and it is not the same for men.
      My dear I do not know how people do it o. I returned to Nigeria with one child. Began job hunting and became pregnant. After second baby, I thought ok, it’s time. I have to go back to work. Every month I didn’t get a job, I secretly rejoiced. When my son was 10 month old , some ‘idiots’ hired me. I told my self my child was lucky to have had me for 10 months. I did have a ‘good nanny that I kind of trusted. She was an older lady and had been with me for 4 years. Next thing said nanny said she had to leave as her old mother was sick. I called the new job, they gave me a month to get my self in order and I just thought to my self
      Am I ready to leave my kids for- that’s how it all ended.
      I decided I couldn’t take the job and spoke to the hubs about staying at home. My kids are now 6 and 4. I tied my tubes, got an online masters and just started working two months ago facing destiny chopping traffic like my fellow lagos in wives. While it feels good to be out and making mynown money, I am most grateful for the luxury of being there for my kids.(my son didn’t go to school till he was 3)

      I see so many other women juggling, confused and tired.
      I am grateful for money. E dey solve problem walai.
      Staying at home is a luxury AND a sacrifice.

  2. ivie

    December 3, 2014 at 8:08 am

    *sigh* Had same discussion with a friend earlier today! She was contemplating on resigning to start a business of her own. I didnt get a job after youth service so I had to learn baking. That’s my saving grace and DH job is demanding! God help all parents isn’t easy! I am also praying for good government/governance too. If we have a system that is efficient this struggle would be minimized ! *sigh*

  3. bruno

    December 3, 2014 at 8:10 am

    assuming u had a gay brother, he can be helping u look after u kids, cause gay people dont have kids of their own, but no, u people decide to kill and imprison gay people.

    i watched a youtube clip, of a gay guy and his boyfriend who help his sister to baby sit, pick the sister’s kids up from school etc. free of charge. lol

    the sister is a single mother.

    • Diuto

      December 3, 2014 at 8:59 pm

      Bruno so having gay siblings is the answer to all married ladies challenge of their child care. What a great advice. As if gay people dont work

  4. Ada

    December 3, 2014 at 8:12 am

    Honey u can’t wait 2 be so sure of d future before moving forward. You are stronger than u think & u’ll make it work.

  5. yetunde

    December 3, 2014 at 8:14 am

    Dear Chidinma, its something that bothers me too o,balancing career and home responsibilities aint easy,and no matter what, one of them would lack behind and all..as for me, my mother would b the best bet.. that nanny should burn in hell..people are so inhumane. The government truly has a long way to go. Our roads are too bad, the traffic situation is nothing to write home about. I hope it gets better soon.

  6. dami

    December 3, 2014 at 8:39 am

    Hmmmm!,uv just in a very nice piece written my life as it is. Got married this year and 9 months after i Av a baby. Your worries are so apt, but i think of all my worries, the best advice has been.. It will all be sorted out as you get to each bridge. The night i gave birth was the night i said goodbye to my life and welcome to family life. It hits u like a bomb but so far so good, with a supportive husband, willingness to get better, the grace of God, ul see seconds turn to minutes,to hours to days to weeks to months to years to decades.you need to create your family’s strategy and its only when u get to the bridge that ul know the perfect SWOT analysis for your strategy. My husband says, worrying never changes the situation only appropriate action does.
    cheers to the future!

  7. Damsel says

    December 3, 2014 at 8:49 am

    These are my thots exactly. my mum and aunts need to see this article and get off my case as am not the oldest single girl out there abeg. Hian.

  8. Glowing

    December 3, 2014 at 9:02 am

    Yeah. What’s the way forward?

  9. faith

    December 3, 2014 at 9:07 am

    I av my own business and presently pregnant with my first baby..i already av a fourteen yrs old girl staying with me. She goes to sch by 8am n close by 2pm. She helps me a lot with d house cleaning, preparing wat I will use in cooking n runs errands for me. I never planned all these..it just happened…as your neighbour said wen u get to that bridge u will cross it! surely!

  10. Intoxyka

    December 3, 2014 at 9:09 am

    I could hug you for this article…. this question has been on my mind for as long as I can remember. The sad thing is that we have little options, you will still have to go back to the nanny because that mum or sister that you’re counting on has their own life to live. They will pitch in from time to time but when it boils down to basics, the bulk of the work is still in your court. I have a 9-9pm job so this fear is soooo real for me.
    It would be a great idea if employers consider a small facility for kids…. we don’t mind pooling resources to pay the person who will watch the kids. At least they are close by and we can keep an eye on them…..

  11. Mocha

    December 3, 2014 at 9:14 am

    You simply echoed my thoughts. Of late, I’ve been experiencing something akin to panic attacks when the subjects of marriage and child-bearing come up because just like you, I need to have a solid plan before I embark on most things. Regarding these subjects however, I am clueless. I am come home deadbeat each day, what time would I have to spare to care for a husband and kids; most times I just want peace and quiet in my own space when I get home from work, would that still be practical in marriage? I would love to be a hands-on mom, but can I really pull that off with work commitments? Phew! I guess I’m providing more questions than answers…

  12. Naijahousewife

    December 3, 2014 at 9:16 am

    My dear namesake, when the time is right, everything will fall into place. We as humans, can plan as long as we like, but God has the final say. A lot of us started on a journey, in which we had no direction whatsoever, but God being ever faithful, has been our guide and so will He guide you. Have no fear for the unknown, for God is in charge of that. okay?!

    I am married with 3 beautiful kids. I never in my wildest dreams had marriage in mind at an age of26years let alone children…but see me now…so dont worry…God has everything planned out at the right time.

  13. chy

    December 3, 2014 at 9:16 am

    my dear the world is scary. another option is to start your own business. in this case you do what you love at your own convenience and have time to take care of the kids. still working for others does not mean not doing what you love, not what am saying. its just a tot.

  14. D

    December 3, 2014 at 9:17 am

    I have thought about this a lot lately and I made my hubby watch the video (maid murdering video) although he could not watch to the end, Work-life balance is not an easy question especially for women. It is one of those things that I believe there is no one size fits all irrespective of your location. Where I reside, child care is super expensive (you pay through your nostrils and then some) and with us thinking of starting a family soon I have always wondered. I have dreams and some serious ambition yet I want to connect on some serious level with all my kids, God helping me. Even with good roads I leave for work at 6am to get to work for 6:30am or there about for the most part I work till 3:30pm but then traffic and errands, you get home around 5pm, cook, shower before you know it it is 10pm already. Then you have all these other things even on weekends, no break. I have had friends complain about me not returning calls and being too busy and this is without kids. I had vacation last week and had been looking forward to having a week off of doing absolutely nothing. Well by the time Sunday nite was starring me in the face and my return to work imminent I felt more exhausted than I had prior to “My week off” .I had not rested at all, infact still have a lot to do and that is with no baby yet. I know I still have a lot of growing to do career wise too and that means working some God forsaken hours. For now the plan is to have my MIL come in once we start having kids but I want my kids to go to child care as well a few days a week just to make sure they start socializing at an early age. I was talking to my lil sis a few months back about this whole life-work balance. And we both concluded there is nothing like life-work balance because there is always going to be an imbalance, i.e you are going to forgo work for family at some point and at some point you are going to have to forgo family for work. Just hope and pray you have a good support system.

  15. D

    December 3, 2014 at 9:17 am

    ****forego*****

  16. Agatha Ahetuameh

    December 3, 2014 at 9:33 am

    I am in the same dilemma even before I watched that scary video. Getting married is just one part of the puzzle, the most important part is having time for your spouse and children. I love being a career woman and I also want my own family that will have my attention always. In my own opinion, I think having your own business may solve the problem. May God help us.

  17. Tolani

    December 3, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Amen to this article…I have the exact same fears…

  18. ada nnewi

    December 3, 2014 at 9:35 am

    God bless you for this article…you just asked all the questions that have been floating around in my mind since I turned 26…

  19. Chi!

    December 3, 2014 at 9:40 am

    My dear!my thoughts exactly!just bear in mind dat lagos is d only state in nigeria dat u spend all ur time in traffic.pray to marry a good husband,well to do dat can take care of u n ur kids just incase u hav to resign to start a biz to be able to hav time to take care of ur kids n possibly marry a man not based in Lagos e.g Abuja!i tell u,u’ll enjoy ur life as a working mother in those states or as a biz woman whichever u decide to do,but truthfully,leaving ur kids in d hands of a nanny u do not know is not a good idea.i wish u all d best.

    • Debby

      December 3, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      My dear sister, it is not only in Lagos you spend the whole of the day in traffic oo, please come to PH, no road network and God help you the it rains, everyone will be on the same road till whenever it clears.

  20. Adaeze

    December 3, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Very valid question, Chidinma Eke. I’m pregnant and searching for the BEST option myself.

    The best bet sure is your mother. I had my mum’s presence, assistance & wisdom with my first child but she recently passed away. May her gracious soul rest in eternal bliss, amen.

    Next best option is a husband who participates enough for you not to give up your own career. Then, a nanny who is always with you (follows you around carrying the baby) or sits where reasonable people can see what she’s doing. But this calls for extra moolah and certain kind of jobs (Business women, Judges, Teachers, etc) not a regular 8-5 in a hostile (baby wise) corporate environment. Then, creche and alone-with-the-baby-at-home other relative or nanny, come last.

    Any other great option out there, please, anyone?

  21. there will def be a way. If your work is stressful, you may have to quit but that depends on how comfy hubby is.

    mytestimonys.blogspot.com/2014/12/gbemi-siji-when-king-meets-his-queen.html

  22. tinnnnnnu29

    December 3, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Hmmmmmm, life oh life. As for me my mum is not an option at all cos she is in 70’s so she is another baby in my life,lol.
    hubbys work is so taskin ,comes home really tied,another baby in my life,i ve two boys and those two are like ten children in my life. The only saving grace is i work from home thou taskin but .just feel like resigning sometimes but we need this money.i ve had terrible experience with house help cant even try them again if i want my marriage to work.it is well.let God bless us real good amen.

  23. cesc

    December 3, 2014 at 10:10 am

    There should be a law, mandating companies, banks et al to have a place in d office premises (like a mini creche) where nursing mothers can keep their kids while at work ( i believe the big oil companies have this already) . they could make it strictly for kids aged 3-18months
    The mothers who keep their kids at the mini creche could be asked to contribute a token from their salaries to keep the place running. There could be strict instructions preventing the mothers from going there during work hours ( visiting should be during lunch break only) to ensure that they concentrate fully at work. I believe this will be very helpful…

  24. Taiwo

    December 3, 2014 at 10:18 am

    This is an issue that plagues many homes especially the woman. I’ve had to resign like two different times from jobs that got in the way of family. Men really dont have to worry about such things as compared to women.
    For the women whose mothers are still alive, Lucky you! For those of us who have none ( not even a mother in Law), find options!
    By options I mean Nannies, Live in maid, Creche, Day care anything to give you peace of mind!
    I have 2 boys and it has been one guilt trip after the other! I hardly have time to take care of them the way i want, but I make do.
    Here’s how I get around:
    1. I have a young girl of 15 staying with me, I am responsible for her upkeep and schooling and she in turn helps me with my kids
    2. I wake up every morning by 4 am, cook breakfast, Lunch pack food and Lunch so all they have to do when they get back from school is pop the Lunch in the microwave and voila! Mummy feels less guilty about not being home on time.
    3. Dinner, Husby takes care of that but I usually cook enough soup to last for 3 weeks and I keep it in the freezer ( I power my house myself so PHCN can go to hell). Whenever I cook soup, i cook at least 5 – 6 different kind of soups and pack them into little Plastics ( we are just 5) so we only re-heat the soup we need for that day. The fact that there is a variety to choose from also helps but i don’t push husby too much before the guy para for me! In between, I cook new soup like on Saturdays.
    4. Timetable!!! I cannot overemphasize the importance of timetable for meals!! You need it otherwise you would go crazy! you can re arrange your time table for variety otherwise complain go start.
    I hope this helps. I’ve had 9 years to work this out and presently, this is what works for me. Please before anyone condemns my style of keeping sane, try working like I do ( i work 8-8) before you open your mouth.

  25. Angel

    December 3, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Someone should start a campaign for organizations or work places in Nig to allow child care facilities at workplaces, even if it means the employees setting it up themselves. I have seen such arrangement outside Nigeria, believe me it works. It’s like u simply take ur kids to work everyday, keep them in the nursery with the professional nanny or nurse, and check on them every time u want to. That way u spend more time with ur kids until they are grown enough to be by themselves or go to school. This issue is a general problem worldwide, u can’t really trust nobody with ur kid without keeping an eye on them, and u can’t do everything all by ur self except u give up ur career and concentrate on child rearing. But Nigeria with their abnormal way of doing things, I don’t know if this will work..

  26. bee

    December 3, 2014 at 11:05 am

    You just wrote this from the thoughts in my head this a.m.
    I have twins and started work at about 3 months dropping the kids off at creche. But now they are in the weaning phase it is soo much harder and I was practically in tears this morning while sorting out their meal for the day.
    I had a live in for about two months but as they are wont to do, she woke up one day and said she wanted to leave. Being trying to get daily help for a couple of days a week weekend and a week day when im not at work but its been difficult. Gettting domestic help in this country is just so hard!
    Anyways, Im trusting God to give me strength cos Heaven knows Im just so tired. I have a supportive husband but truth is at the end of the day, particularly in these parts, the mother is the primary caregiver and she’s the one whose wants (sometimes needs, even) are de-prioritised when push comes to shove. Its a reality a lot of women will have to face. After the beautiful proposal in the moon, BN-featured wedding and all, then comes REAL LIFe.

    Sorry for the long post. rant? i needed to vent.

    • Fashionista

      December 3, 2014 at 4:11 pm

      I really wish I could hug you, seriously! I watch my sis as well with two kids and even with full time help (7am to 7pm), its still ALOT of work. Just hang in there babe, the Lord will renew your strength daily.

  27. Blessmyheart

    December 3, 2014 at 11:45 am

    So I’ve always wanted twins but of late, I’ve been scared. It’s difficult enough with one baby but two at the same time? And then, I don’t really like having many people in the house asides my nuclear family. Not sure what to do but I really want twins!

  28. Debby

    December 3, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Forget Woji Traffic in PH, it is second to none, as regards this topic honestly at a point I felt bad for my son, I leave home 6.20am with a 2yrs old boy and yet we don’t get to school till 8.30am before i zoom off to my own work and I pick him up at 5pm still in traffic till 8pm. We do this Monday to Friday…, just last month me and my hubby had to pay more for rent out of our little salary to get a place close to school at least, THE ONLY OPTION we had, I don’t want to think about those days any more, very heart breaking for me.

    Nigerian government can implement a policy where women can work between 9am-4pm at least we can get home in good time to take care of the kids and still have sanity.

    During this year mother’s day I remember in an article governor Fashola was asking mothers not to always leave their kids with nanny and should stop getting home late, I asked myself with the present harsh economy no sane wife will seat home without bringing anything to the table and no mother won’t want to get home in time to take care of her kids.
    To a large extent, as bruno said government will come and take care of my home but I bet you they can do a lot and put things in place to make life easier for women especially.

  29. nola

    December 3, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    here is the solution: (1) work! I encourage women to work, you need your source of income and for the rainy days you need to have saved up. Do not expect everything from the man and complain when they treat you like chattels.
    (2) feel guilty but get back to work and get an older nanny. Before getting a nanny do spiritual and medical test, yup take the nanny to a holy spirit, tongue filled pastor and a good hospital for a medical test.
    Get your mother or your MIL(if this is possible) to stay with the nanny and kids to monitor nanny’s behaviour etc.
    3) Care about your nanny and ask about her well-being, make her comfortable in your home and send food stuff to her kids from time to time if you can. conscience may not let her treat your kids badly.
    (4) Still cook your husband’s food, let the nanny/maid can assist with the prepping, because these days cooks, maids, nannies, etc have taken up several roles in the home and the wife na supervisor.
    (5) get a nanny cam preferably the one with remote viewing so that you can monitor your home. There are many free apps. Presence, manything, etc
    (6) weigh the options, its either you sit and home and not work and be dead bored and hating all the working mothers o. One thing I know is that when the kids grow up, they will leave the house and it will be you and your hubby alone with nothing to fall back on but good kids who will marry and relocate and decide not to move back, but you can be a good mother and the president of the world bank too, even better, you don’t ve to sacrifice one for the other.
    OR) Take your child to crèche but I think its better for kids to be in a familiar surrounding i.e home….Women were made for this we can do it, we are stronger than we think!!!! Multitasking sumborris…………………

  30. C'est moi.

    December 3, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Huge concern for me and you are right to think ahead. Family planning isn’t just about birth order, I certainly don’t want my kids being raised by nannies.
    .
    I for one was a lot closer to my nanny and got more love & affection from her than me mam who worked long hours and came home tired & very irritable (sigh). I’m sure she started off with the best intentions and thanked her lucky stars for scoring her own Mary Poppins enabling her to progress to the top of her career, probably thought she had it balanced. she certainly is the envy of her friends. She now wonders why her kids seem to be cut from a different cloth & we have an awkward relationship.

  31. wendy

    December 3, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    All you guys acting like i will die without Nanny. What about people who do it without Nanny? Are they not human too…. Make una stay there dey give una self Nanny headache.

  32. Tunmi

    December 3, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    I’ve also been thinking about this. Already as I am, my days are filled to the brim. I currently go to school and work. And even when I do begin work as a student actuary, I will still need to study for exams. The child care at work is a really good idea. While not every company can be like Google (free meals, gyms, onsite doctors, massages, etc), having on site childcare is a huge plus. For both mothers and fathers.

    I certainly want to pursue my career, as does my significant other (so). And my mum also has plans of her own. I am wary of bringing in a kid who I sponsor in exchange for child care (I used to be that kid) and kids honestly, should not have that huge responsibility dumped on them. It’s a discussion to have with my SO as no one wants to have their career take a backseat. My idea would be to have a stay-at-home parent if possible (or while the parent is studying at home – online masters program). Or simply save up for the nanny or day care. And there is the question of how many kids, I want 4 (biological and adopted) and I realize I may have to scale that back to 3 and volunteer with kids or sponsor them (slum2school).

    It truly is something that needs to be truthfully and seriously discussed before saying I do, and can we get the men on Herr to comment as well. This affects all of us.

    BN: this is the best marriage/relationship topic I have seen this year. Thank you Chidinma.

  33. Mrs T

    December 3, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    good to think and plan but things don’t always go according to plan, due to circumstances beyond my control I’ve been out of jobs and floating a biz didn’t happen. I am a control freak when it comes to my life had it all planned out but things just didn’t work that way,with no friends or family nearby just hubby and i. I’ve had the opportunity to stay at home with my son and raise him myself but after he turned 14months i was going crazy just being home had to take up part time job few hours a week here enters my nanny so lucky to have her she abides by my rules for my son,loves him like hers and i feel like we are raising him together. going back to work soon and i honestly have no qualms leaving him with her though he would go to Nursery few hours a day so she also gets a break

  34. C'est moi

    December 3, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    Don’t get why some have kids only to bungle them off to another to raise so they can get on with life. I’m aware some have to but what I’m seeing is a number of women that can afford not to, happily running away from their kids & back to their desk jobs while nanny/mam care for them. Also don’t understand how in a communal culture, being a [email protected] mum is looked down on. Heard them being called liabilities to their husbands wth! She’s raising the children, socialising them with the shared values of the parents, protecting them in the way only a mother can! Formative years are so important, at least one parent should be with the children for the better part of the day until they can be heard and understood.

    • Taiwo

      December 3, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      Wait, just wait. E go soon reach your turn, then you will understand wella!!!!. *walks away*

    • ivie

      December 3, 2014 at 6:51 pm

      Spot on!

    • Nola

      December 4, 2014 at 10:15 am

      Because not all of us can sit at home, we need to support our spouse and have money for ourselves…oh yes and the kids will still be well behaved…

    • lizcherry

      December 4, 2014 at 3:50 pm

      Don’t judge till you are in our shoes(working moms)……. waiting patiently for your turn.lol

  35. Mabel

    December 3, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    You could opt to work part-time instead of full-time; alternatively, you could opt to work at home instead of going into the office. You could petition your workplace to open up a company daycare, many companies do this. You could also petition your government to institute a longer maternity leave to allow you to stay longer with your child while your job remains safe. You could move a widowed aunt, your mother, or your mother-in-law in to assist with the childcare.

  36. bruno

    December 3, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    u are angry cause I have a valid point and u hate gay people. sorry for u

  37. Me

    December 3, 2014 at 11:07 pm

    Hmmmm great topic! This is my first time of ever commenting on bn. Let me say the struggle somehow continues o. I got married at 21 now I’m 28 with 3 children yet I’ve not been able to conquer this big problem.Currently my hubby works out of town and comes home on weekends I don’t work, I’m into catering which doesn’t come every day and I don’t have a help. It’s been crazy for me me becos I do everything u can think of sch runs, buying fuel, going to mkt ,home work,cleaning up,caring for the last baby who is a year plus etc. Just recently I said to myself” for how long am I going to continue like this?” so I have decided to get a little girl say abt 12 and a nanny to assist with the chores and serve as a check on each other.That way I wld have more time for my children becos their performance hasn’t been too good this term becos I’m not giving them enough time and of course my hubby gets to blame me for that. Whether we like it or not at some point in our lives we just need help to pull thru.

    • MC

      December 4, 2014 at 12:35 pm

      You are going to ‘get’ a 12 year old girl to do your chores????

    • pissed mum

      December 4, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      Are you dumb, she said AND A NANNY TO ASSIST WITH THE CHORES

    • MC

      December 5, 2014 at 1:11 pm

      It seems as though you are the dumb one!
      she said a 12 year old and a nanny. I didnt question the nanny I questioned the 12 year old. Or did she not say “so I have decided to get a little girl say abt 12…”?

  38. Nhia

    December 3, 2014 at 11:12 pm

    The big question is what the hell are the husbands doing? Why are they not active in the caregiving as well as the breadwinning. Oh you want to claim you are the head of the house hold but you arent doing anything spectacular. Your wife is doing the exact same thing you are doing plus more. but nahh. It’s tooo sit down, swallow eba with your pot belly, go and hang out with the boys and comeback to watch arsenal. Meanwhile your wife is slaving away with the baby and her day Job. Are you a learner? abeg commot for road. “Head of the household”. abegi

    • uche

      December 3, 2014 at 11:38 pm

      You, oh Nhia have just mirrored my thoughts. Simple solution: to the single ones, marry a good man that is willing to sacrifice just as much as you are willing to sacrifice. abeg! is the child only for you?

    • ghia

      December 5, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      When you get there come and tell us how you asked him if he is a learner and all etc..

  39. Moyo

    December 4, 2014 at 10:28 am

    This articles just speaks my mind,i love all the comments minus Bruno, I am a working mum with 4 kids, (yes some will say I brought on myself) and been married for 14 years, I have gone through so many maids and I have lost count. The only time I have peace of mind when I am at work is when my mum God bless her is around to look after the kids and supervise the maid. I also had a respite when I had an older nanny with my last child. It’s not easy coping with work and having kids and the men do not help. My advice for women going to marriage now is to discuss with your husband how many kids you want, who will look after the baby, whether you will need to stop working for a while before going back.,the husband should help the wife with the baby and other household chores. If a woman has to work to support the home then the man should not sit down as the Lord of the Manor and expect everything to be done for him.

  40. jhennique

    December 4, 2014 at 11:56 am

    My main concern about this is when it comes to raising kids

  41. nolasoulmate

    December 4, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    bellanaija.com/2014/11/14/must-watch-video-super-scientist-francisca-okeke-shares-her-inspiring-story-on-cnns-african-voices/…We can do this! no excuses

  42. nk

    December 4, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Hmmn this is certainly a tough nut to crack…I know today’s woman is a career oriented woman, as a matter of fact I am, but this just gets me wondering whether the people of old got it right to let the man be the provider while the woman took care of the home, seems to me like a strategy that worked……but hey there are so many reasons why this can’t work anymore. I think the man and woman just have to work together to go through this successfully and with every bridge that comes they’ll be able to cross effectively taking advantage of every available support system along the way.

  43. lizcherry

    December 4, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Don’t judge till you are in our shoes o (working moms)……. waiting patiently for your turn.lol

  44. MS,ichie

    December 4, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    People need to stop with the underage Nannies/helpers/maids.

  45. MS,ichie

    December 4, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    Dear bella naija I would love to do a post on being a house wife for you. I see so many people use this word like its derogatory. Dear Nigerian women please do not let anybody shame you. HOUSEWIFE AND PROUD

  46. Diadem

    December 8, 2014 at 4:17 am

    Hmmm! Read through all the comments and felt some bit of encouragement to know that I’m not alone. I have a 3-year old son, pregnant,working and sometimes sleep in the hospital especially when I am on call. Some days, I finish so late, go to the market and get home to cook and do other house chores, plus homework assistance and others. Been finding it difficult to get a nanny. Hubby tries to help out a little but most days, I go to bed exhausted and late and still have to wake up very early to continue my daily routine. Some days, I feel like I’m breaking down. God help all women.

  47. Diadem

    December 8, 2014 at 4:19 am

    Hmmm! Read through all the comments and felt some bit of encouragement to know that I’m not alone. I have a 3-year old son, pregnant,working and sometimes sleep in the hospital especially when I am on call. Some days, I finish so late, go to the market and get home to cook and do other house chores, plus homework assistance and others. Been finding it difficult to get a nanny. Hubby tries to help out a little but most days, I go to bed exhausted and late and still have to wake up very early to continue my daily routine. Some days, I feel like I am going to break down. God help all women.

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