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Iniobong Umoh: This Thing With Your Village People

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More DownloadsDon’t try to deny it. No matter how sophisticated you are or how modern the city you live in is, we all know that you come from a village. There are certain people in your village that you do not like. You don’t want to see them. You are running away from them. These people are your village people.

Your village people are dangerous; they have the propensity to cause harm/grievous injury to you and bring bad luck your way. They hinder your progress in life. You hate them and they hate you too  – even though you may pretend to like each other when you people meet at one function or the other.

The anatomy of your village people is a curious one. They are often short people with wrinkled and twisted faces. They may be young or old men and women. Their eyes are hollow with a reddish colouration. They have few stands of teeth left in their mouth and appear to have one foot in the grave. You may see a semblance of a smile on their faces but their hearts are dark and very bitter.

Your life is a continuous struggle to free yourself from the grasp of your village people. You believe that they are following you. Right from when you were born, your village people have been monitoring you and keeping tabs on your every movement. They had even tried to do away with you at infancy but you survived their attacks.

When you started primary school, your village people were angry because they didn’t want you to acquire western education that will make you become somebody in future. They wanted you to become a palm wine tapper, a bush rat hunter or a grave digger. So they tried to truncate your studies. They tried to make you fail exams in school. But you overcame them, you passed primary school and acquired your first school leaving certificate….Halllelujaaaah!

Secondary school came and your village people launched attack after attack to destabilize you. They almost succeeded because you wrote Waec five times and each time the result came out, yours was missing because Waec had seized your papers. But you finally succeeded and managed to walk away after your sixth attempt with five credits including the almighty Mathematics and English language.

Your village people became infuriated and re-launched their attacks. Only God knows how many times you wrote Jamb before you finally got the required cutoff point for aptitude test. You wrote the aptitude test and got admission into your preferred tertiary institution.

But your village people were restless. They swore that you won’t graduate. Your carry overs piled up like a stack of cards until you had to resort to extracurricular means to graduate.

After graduation, your village people followed you bumper to bumper like the children of Hamelin followed the Pied piper . They didn’t want you to have a job. You attended several job tests and interviews without any success, the different panels always thanked you for your time and told you that they would get back to you. When you finally had a big chance as the sole candidate for a luxurious job offer, your village people made you sleep off on the day of the interview. You forget all about the interview until five hours later when you woke up.

Despite all of these hindrances, you have succeeded in life. You have made it against all odds. Baba God has blessed your hustle. You now have a good source of income, a beautiful wife/husband and lovely kids, you have cars, clothes, houses and all the good things of life money could buy.  But you have not gone to your village in years because of the fear of your village people. If you go there to showoff, they will make you return to the city as a pauper.

You have not built a house in your village because you know your village people will bulldoze it spiritually and physically.

There is no escaping your village people. When you decide to leave your village or town and relocate to Lagos, Port Harcourt or Abuja to hustle, your village people follow you. If there is no space for them in the bus, they would hang at the back of the vehicle.

When fortune smiles on you and you finally get a visa to Amelika or Lonlon, you travel out of the country, excited that you have finally escaped the snares of your village people. You board the plane with your economy class ticket, while unknown to you, your village people are seated in the first class section, chilling with bottles of champagne, following you to your new location. They don’t ever give up, do they? By the time you land in the airport and before you can say ‘Hello America’, things have gone worse for you already because some kilograms of cocaine has been discovered in your luggage by the security.

Getting rid of the influence of your village people is a top priority for you. Some people tell you they can help you destroy your village people using spiritual means. They introduce you to one prophet, pastor, evangelist, bishop, alfa, marabout or the other. You are to pray special prayers and perform special assignments. You undertake 40 days and nights dry fasting and deliverance sessions. These assignments come with financial obligations. You have to buy certain items and pay the “men of God” for their services. You are spending so much money on destroying your village people. You have lost weight and have become emaciated. The “men of God” are having bulging bellies, feeding fat on the money you are giving them for their spiritual services.

Your village people are very powerful. When you get into their stranglehold, they won’t let you go until they destroy you. They have no atom of pity in their veins. They hijack your life and make you lose control of your life. They dictate to you what you should do.

You go to a beer parlor and order for only one bottle of beer but your village people whisper into your ears to drink five more bottles. They tell you to drink on credit because you can always pay the balance at a later date. After they have succeeded in getting you drunk, they lead you to your home and make you beat up your long suffering wife.

From the most complex to the most mundane issues and activities of your life, you can see the fingerprints of your village people. Service becomes unavailable when its your turn on the queue to withdraw money from the Atm. Sometimes, it even swallows your card on a Saturday evening leaving you stranded.

Your village people have a weird sense of humour. On the D-day of your date with that hot babe or guy, your village people release a big pimple that pops up on your forehead. You desperately try to pop the pimple but it dramatically swells up and alters your beauty/handsomeness by 50%. On the day you are to meet your ‘God ordained ‘spouse, your village people send down heavy rain that falls throughout the day. When you brave the odds and go out on the date, your village people hide your wallet from you. When you reach out for the wallet to pay for your meal, you find an empty space in your pocket. Your village people embarrasses you and your date, making you two to shamefully wash plates in Tantalizer’s kitchen as payment for the tasty food you lovingly gobbled down your throats.

Your village people ensure that at 45 years, you are still a hot trendy chick without any desire to get married. By the time you turn 58, they make you relocate to Shiloh and Redeemed camp in search of a husband.

Since your village people are wicked and heartless, and since you can’t break free from them, you have resigned to fate. You live an aimless life. You have abdicated responsibility for your life. You do not own up to your failings and shortcomings. You believe that it is not your fault. You have a valid excuse that your village people are indeed following and controlling you.

Photo Credit: Foto.com.ng | Nsoedo Frank

Iniobong Umoh is a multi-contextual writer, story teller and brand content creator. He writes with a touch of humour, satire and reality. Email: [email protected] IG: @ini_leroi Twitter: @iniobong_

31 Comments

  1. xainymo

    April 5, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    Lol..hilarious writeup but the truth is that “village people” exist!! Sometimes just like the devil who gets the blame for everything (rightly so!) The village people also take the blame wrongly sometimes when we are suffering the consequences of some of our actions or/and inaction. Thank God for CLAM, MFM and other bible believing churches with the God given mandate to clear these village” monitoring ” people from off our backs.
    Hallelujah!!!

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 5, 2016 at 4:21 pm

      Xainymo, i am just curious; have you had any experience with the village people?

    • Ijebu citizen

      April 6, 2016 at 9:52 am

      I have. MY village people! Heard of Ijebu- Igbo? (from my own experience) I am from there. People who become enlightened never go home! Never! Did you ever hear about how parents warn children to desist from marrying Ijebu folks back then? Well thank God it has reduced! or people like me would never get married! I don’t go back home. Folks are there tho, they always come to Lag to say hello but mum especially never wants us to come home. We come in at night sometimes and leave codedly!

      My village where masquarade festiveal wee be happening and people will be shooting each other and macheting each other but u wee not see bloodd! hehehe!

      ok, there was an old woman we called Mama Elepo(she makes palm oil to sell). Two male sons, no husband. One became a low life area boy. Other one went to school, i think he even did masters, he served, got a job, was to resume monday, he came home for the weekend, he died in his sleep. VILLAGE PEOPLE

      There was a day my mum was slapped with a cobweb, no exaggeration here, and she fell from her chair. We all saw it. It was creepy.

      Village people killed my brother also, sickler tho, but that special day, he was running fever, some women we didnt send started putting stuff in his mouth “for the temparature” and then he started foaming from the mouth. We were in the village, we took him to one hosppital where the man gave him injection and refused to admit him saying he doesnt want to. shikena. He died before we got to the next hospital.

      We wrestle not against flesh and blood, yes, I avoid my village people, i have seen them, i know them, i grew up seeing them and watching them turn people mad or kill them just because he was becoming successful. Village people won’t let you have what they didnt have and when you try too hard they find other ways to cut you short.

      watch out for village people. when you see me acting all posh and enlightened, you have no idea what my eyes have seen or what i have been thru in the hands of village people. I know u are trying to be funny but hey, i hope you dont have village people.

  2. Truth

    April 5, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Village people don suffer. Aside living in abject poverty, they are the witches and wizards working tirelessly to ruin our lives. It’s funny how we fail to give them credit with good things happen to us but always remember them when evil befall us. While I don’t always fall for the my-village-people-are-responsible-for-my-predicament story, I believe in black magic and I believe that some people are willing to use it to hurt an innocent person or a supposed enemy.

    • chi-e-z

      April 5, 2016 at 3:16 pm

      really u believe in black magic? really nd whr has that gotten u. u better coollect sense and realize ain’t nothing magic about this world G-d wrote it in plain mathematics and science. every action has an equal and opposite consequence. they thr and keep believing sm cn chuk u 4rm thousands of miles away. Some people never grow up mentally apparently… is this kind of thinking that keep making us be laughing stock of the world nd heartless to one another.

    • Truth

      April 5, 2016 at 3:35 pm

      Congratulations chi-e-z! You have succeeded in saying nothing. I don’t appreciate you telling me to collect some sense.

    • Star

      April 5, 2016 at 3:44 pm

      You can’t believe that there is good and not believe that there is evil. After all, how good is “good” if there isn’t an existing evil on the other side. Even while studying Philosophy of Religion in England, we analysed and discussed ghosts, apparitions, mediums and tarot readers. Even Yemoja or “mami wata” is practiced all over America. Do you know that the Starbucks logo is Yemoja? LOL you people should learn, really. If the white people you’re so desperately trying to emulate acknowledge these things, what have you?

      I’m really disappointed with the writer and you @chi_ez. Black arts are recognised and even practiced in many parts of the world. Acknowledging it won’t make you less “posh” or “intellectual”
      My dad shipped me off to boarding school in England at a young age, so you can imagine the kind of family I’m from. HOWEVER, it can’t be denied that there is black magic. People use these things to hurt,maim and destroy people’s lives everyday. If anything, ignoring that these things exist is a sign of ignorance, and it doesn’t make you a “better” Christian because you act like vudu isn’t real.

      Yes, I definitely agree that people sometimes blame their own errors or ill-luck on vudu or “haters”, but there are “Christian” politicians and evil-doers who make money and still say “na God” Same difference.

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 5, 2016 at 5:15 pm

      Lol, don’t you think that “Village people”are not given credit when good things happen to us because it is the general notion that “village people” are evil and nothing good can come out of/from them?

  3. Truth

    April 5, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    God bless you Star!

  4. Toby

    April 5, 2016 at 4:51 pm

    What a write up!! LMAO!! couldn’t help but laugh. Anyways people, Join the fastest growing skilled people directory in Nigeria.. visit skillsearch.com.ng

  5. whocares

    April 5, 2016 at 5:29 pm

    lmaooooooooooooooooo. “Your village people became infuriated and re-launched their attack”., lmaoooo. followed you bumper to bumper.. oh you are on fire! loool. Please please, no one take this too literally. If you miss the message in this funny and brilliant piece then what is the point? Take control of your life and stop blaming external factors when you could easily look internally (abi that’s not it ni?)

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 5, 2016 at 6:04 pm

      Thanks for getting the message in this article. May your village people never catch up with you 🙂

  6. have to be Anon

    April 5, 2016 at 5:38 pm

    There is jazz o.

    My cousin *Jada was in labour for 3 days. They didnt want to do a Csection because her older sister dies under the same circumstances. The sister was in labour for 3 days also. The grandmother said it was ‘village people’ holding the pregnancy and a CSection would probably be fatal.
    Everyone though the grandma was just being a “CS is not your portion” kind of person. Well the woman and the baby died during the Csection. No one really knows the cause.

    SO a couple of years later now, Jada too is in the same position and the family definitely didn’t want Csection. MFM pastor had used up all his bottle of annointing oil.

    Grandma came all the way from village with *Baba*. Baba said the pregnancy has been nailed to the ground, and its only if the nail is removed that Jada will born safely …….. OR they should do a sacrifice. Since No one knew where the nail was, sacrifice was done.
    The sacrifice involved taking a Sow (female pig) and its new born piglet, killing the Sow, cutting up the tummy, put the killed piglet in it’s tummy and sewing it all up and burying it.

    My people, the moment the baba and grandma called after the buried the pig, like 10 seonds after, we heard baby cries.

    Abeg JAzz dey o.

    Jada is not happy she also gave birth using “jazz” sacrifice, but wetin dem wan do now.
    They went for thorough deliverance after …… at like 3 different churches, with 3 days no eating at all fasting and prayer.

    Village people dey o, abeg.

    there are also times when it’s not village people, but as you dont have explannation for your circustances na, you blame villagers

    • Truth

      April 5, 2016 at 6:08 pm

      Whoever says, thinks or believes black magic is non-existent should ingest a dose of reality.

    • Promise

      April 5, 2016 at 7:31 pm

      Lol “@MFM pastor had used up all his bottles of anointing oil??”
      Groundnut oil ti take over

    • Iniobong Umoh

      April 5, 2016 at 8:58 pm

      Wow thanks for sharing this remarkable story.

    • Tunmi

      April 6, 2016 at 2:24 pm

      Where was this? A reputable hospital with a high success rates of CS or not? Did Jada use the same hospital as her cousin? Was the condition the same: the physicians, nurses, medication used, same technology, same days in labor, etc. Na question I dey ask. I no talk say juju no dey but why e be say this juju no dey bring fuel or light? This juju no able fix road sef? Okay, let’s stay in the same domain then, a cure for cancer we never get. A cure for HIV we never get.

      In defense of village people, let us not be quick to demonize.

    • have to go anon

      April 6, 2016 at 3:47 pm

      happened @ a GH.
      The sis and Jada HD exactly the same issues.

      They were in labour. Regular contractions the Sis that died was having contractions every minute, but her cervix was hard, high and closed.
      Jada had been having 5 mins contractions for 2 days.
      Both had a tablet put in her cervix, had IV with diff injections. I can’t remember all medication they got.
      It wasn’t a “lagbaja hospital and maternity home” o

  7. Liz

    April 5, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    Village people exist! Grew up not believing this African magic stories, but lately things have been happening around me I can’t even start to narrate. Thankful to Him. True , we can’t possibly blame everything on village people. Not to scare anyone , truth be told ” awon aye ” is very real!

  8. deb

    April 5, 2016 at 9:45 pm

    Village people do exist. Even the bible say we wrestle not against flesh and blood but principalities in high places. Unfortunately those village people don’t stay in the village any longer, one of my own village people is in birmingham&another in Maryland. To all using evil power to manipulate people’s life I know for sure there is no heaven for you but yorubas will say kile to pa osika ohunrere atibaje.

    I m coming back with my Spiritual Auto Biography

    • Iniobong

      April 7, 2016 at 8:54 pm

      I am waiting to read the spiritual autobiography @Deb

  9. IJS

    April 5, 2016 at 10:29 pm

    All I can say is “Make God nor let person see bad thing”

  10. Endee

    April 6, 2016 at 9:32 am

    Lol @Leroi, good work as always.
    Now that you have exposed these village people, I bet they’ll free “us” for some time to re-strategis. I guess we better pack up now and hit the road for Gidi before they finish their meeting and come chilling on the roof of our buses.

    I hope they are no village people in bellanaija reading this post…

    • Iniobong

      April 7, 2016 at 9:01 pm

      Nope Endee, ‘village people’ are not on Bellanaija because they do not know how to use the internet 🙂

  11. AANUOLUWAPO OYEDELE

    April 6, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    My popsy talk say village people don dey city self cos no one wan die in poverty, they don dey search for greener pasture

  12. Koffie

    April 6, 2016 at 1:48 pm

    Awon aye onirun-funfun-labe-ahon. This article was hilarious but we should all just pray the aye people should never see us. In Emmanuella’s voice “this is not my real face oo”. On a serious note though, the Anon’s birth story gave me some chills and reminded me of the importance of being under God’s shadow daily. That’s the only safe place to dwell.
    Ijebu citizen, I’m Egba and I didn’t know Ijebu people were renowned for juju like that oo. I always thought the discrimination was due to the stingyness people ascribe to them. Also, I recently saw a post of a Starbucks cup from Shirley Beniang and I remember thinking it looked marine-ish. I didn’t realise Yemoja had become international fa but folklore has it that Yemoja was not a wicked deity sha.

  13. Tunmi

    April 6, 2016 at 2:09 pm

    Sigh. It’s as if no one knew of the days when common flu would wipe out an entire town. I’m not discounting black magic. I’m frankly interested in these cases. But our fear no go gree

  14. Tunmi

    April 6, 2016 at 2:19 pm

    @ijebu citizen

    “My village where masquarade festiveal wee be happening and people will be shooting each other and macheting each other but u wee not see bloodd! hehehe!”
    On any talent show, na magic we go call am. Penn & Teller nko? Àbí the one where they slice a whole human being in half and blood no comot. They could have been using props, or the dull edge of the blade or shooting blanks. Shebi dem dey shoot for American film and the actors no dey die.

    “ok, there was an old woman we called Mama Elepo(she makes palm oil to sell). Two male sons, no husband. One became a low life area boy. Other one went to school, i think he even did masters, he served, got a job, was to resume monday, he came home for the weekend, he died in his sleep. VILLAGE PEOPLE”
    Cause of death? Could be a heart attack, an aneurysm, bacterial infection, who knows? Villages aren’t exactly the most sanitary places and who knows if his time away impacted his immune system

    “There was a day my mum was slapped with a cobweb, no exaggeration here, and she fell from her chair. We all saw it. It was creepy.”
    That is some strong silk. Golly gosh gee, you guys should get the spider who spun that cobweb. Dat one pass anansi by far. Since your mum already fears the village and her village people, even a poke would scare her out of her skin.

    “Village people killed my brother also, sickler tho, but that special day, he was running fever, some women we didnt send started putting stuff in his mouth “for the temparature” and then he started foaming from the mouth. We were in the village, we took him to one hosppital where the man gave him injection and refused to admit him saying he doesnt want to. shikena. He died before we got to the next hospital.”
    Darn. The guy had a pre-existing condition and then the village people compounded it. The boy could have developed an allergic reaction to whatever they gave him. Tsk tsk, poor kid. And the women were probably trying to help oh. You know many of our medicines are made from these same plants and stuff.

  15. osaretin

    April 7, 2016 at 2:26 am

    Lol scary

  16. Ever Green

    April 7, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    I agree with @ have to be Anon, @ijebu citizen they are real but we should not blame all our problems and mistakes on Village People .
    @ Tunmi and Chiez just pray and pray that you are not a victim….
    Wicked people exist everywhere within families (Polygamous home especially), environment, among friends, even in the office especially a public corporation and private (NPA and others) when it is time for promotion, awarding of contracts etc. No be only village people they harm or do jazz oh.
    You go know sey kaaki no be leather
    They are everywhere, if you don’t understand fine but to say they don’t exist na serious one chance oh.
    I would have love to share my daddy’s friend story some people may not believe but it is real as it comes, whenever I remember different experiences he shared with us and the experience I had I believe. In his words he said do not argue with anyone or say Aiye kosi …………Aiye wa, Aiye toto akamara ! (do not tell anyone or say spiritual underworld does not exist).
    Apart from Village people there is something they call kamar which is very potent (iyan ogun odun o ma ngbona felifeli)………. Will come back for the gist let me face my work now.

  17. Iniobong

    April 7, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    @IjebuCitizen i have actually heard many things about Ijebu-Igbo. It is quite sad that these ‘village people’ don’t use their powers for positive things. It is also extremely sad to see people who attribute every bad thing in their lives to be a result of the action of their ‘village people’-even the things they use their own hands to do to themselves. These are the people this article is directed at.

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